A Clash of NEETs: Prologue

Bored Goddesses are the most Dangerous

Just like its owner, Aqua's apartment in the Divine Realm was cluttered, disorganized, and rather chaotic. It was clean, mostly because as a goddess Aqua had access to the Heavenly Host Cleaning Service, which was top notch. Aqua claimed she could find anything and everything in her room. Given enough time, it was even mostly true.

"Hey, Eris, what should we watch tonight?" Aqua called as she dug through her disorganized bookshelf of mixed DVDs, VHS, Blue Ray, and even betamax.

The Goddess of Fortune had her feat up on the end of one of Aqua's overstuffed, slightly stained, and very comfortable love seats, her head resting against the other end. She had taken off her formal robes for the day, and was dressed more like Chris the Thief, in jean shorts and a sweater that somehow left her navel bear. Currently, she was tapping away at her phone, answering a few last minute prayers. "I dunno, you pick something. Maybe something from the gangs adventures. Not the Belzerg arc though, we watched that last decade."

Aqua looked up, holding up two colorful box arts of Konosuba Season 4 and 6. "Aww, but I like the one where we visit Elroad."

"Chris isn't even in that one. Pick something else," Eris ordered, still typing on her phone and not bothering to look up.

"Why do you care so much about Chris anyway?" Aqua grumbled, and bent over again to rifle through the box, her loose hair spilling over her shoulders. She was out of uniform as well, and had on sweat pants and a sweat shirt, both rather grungy from millennia of use.

Eris rolled her eyes. She still couldn't believe Aqua had never figured it out, but by this point she didn't want to give up the game.

"Oh, what about the Reverse Isekai one? Where we incarnated Megumin and Darkness as high school students?"Aqua called, her head half hidden in the recess of her massive collection.

"Eh, that arc was kinda boring. What about the one where you did the gender bender thing?" Eris suggested.

"I can't find it, I think Kazuma hid it. He's so embarrassed about it. Mortals are so weird about that sort of thing. It's not like they even remember when their soul switches gender. Oh! I found the one where we did the Super Hero AU! You remember, My Chunni Academia?"

Eris shrugged, closing her prayer app and opening up Mana Binge. "Meh. Boring. That was basically the same as the time you got Madoka to let us create a alternate universe and you sent them all to British Boarding school. Hey, what do you want to eat? I'm getting sushi and ice cream."

"Get me some bubbly and fish and chips. Ice cream does sound good though. Man, we've seen all these shows before," Aqua complained, standing back and planting her hands on her hips.

Eris nodded, putting in her food order. She was just about to put her phone away when she got an email from Madoka.

"Make sure you remind Aqua she's supposed to be sending some reincarnators to Planetos. She's got to fix that whole Kinslayer debacle. I'm keeping an eye on her. I know Aerys II wasn't her fault, but the Targaryen's have turned into a mess, and not the fun kind."

"Aqua, did you remember to send someone to Planetos?" Eris called.

"Huh?" Aqua pulled out her own phone, tapping at it. "Oh, yeah. That's this decade isn't it? I guess I should do that before we relax for the weekend."

"Come on, you do have a plan, right? Remember what happened the last time you just threw power at a problem on Planetos?" Eris needled.

"Ugh, no need to remind me. Everyone still complains about the Kinslayer. It's been 300 years! Besides, Madoka fixed that with the Targaryens, right?" Aqua asked, coming over and slumping into her armchair with a scowl on her face.

"You haven't been paying attention again," Eris sighed, shaking her head. "The Targaryen's are about to get overthrown by a rebellion in a few years. They've lost the Mandate of Heaven. I think Madoka's totally done with them this time. Athena's still sulking about that, she really liked them."

"Dragon Lords were pretty kick ass," Aqua agreed. She frowned. "Man, I guess I should just go find some Japanese schmucks and Isekai them or something. Planetos is so hard to manage. I blame that asshole god who keeps interfering. What was his name?"

"Just call him the Red God, it irritates him," Eris suggested.

"Fine.," Aqua swiped through her phone, looking at her options for reincarnators. "Oh hey, Iris is up for reincarnation."

"Really? Where did you have her?" Eris asked curiously.

"An AU. I made her the first woman president of the United States. Youngest in history too! Let me see, she left a comment. 'That was fun, but you forgot to send Big Bro with me again. When am I going to get to marry Kazuma?' Then she left me three stars. THREE STARS! That's a travesty! She even fixed their economy, redid their educational system, and married a nice boy from Texas. Ugh. There is no pleasing that girl."

"You should just send her to Planetos. She can probably sort it all out no problem," Eris offered. "The Targeryen's even do that sibling marriage thing, that should calm her down a bit."

"Yeah but Kazuma would get super grossed out and leave me a one star review again if he married his literal sister," Aqua said. "Huh. Yunyun just came back too. She left me five stars. I knew doing an AU where I replaced Stalin with her and Trotsky with Megumin was perfect. I even had Komekko as Khrushchev!"

"Really? Where was Kazuma?" Eris asked.

"Oh, he was a girl too, he left me one star again, but it was a lolicon yuri AU. I really ought to stop letting Cecily put together my reincarnator packages. Megumin gave it a 5/5 since she got to nuke the United States. Cecily's ideas are fun, but they're really derivative."

Eris rolled her eyes. "Well, maybe if she didn't spend all her time as your secretary. Let me guess, did that AU end with everyone dying in a nuclear apocalypse?"

"Yeah but we're going to spin it into a Fall Out knock off. We could watch the tapes from that one, should be fun," Aqua suggested.

"Eh. I'm not into the Doctor Strangelove stuff even if Megumin is," Eris told Aqua. "Plus, you really do need to figure out what you're going to do with Planetos. Just throw Iris at it and you're going to end up with another Kinslayer situation."

"Will everyone just leave me alone with the Kinslayer stuff? Sheesh. Maybe if I go fumigate Harrenhal again they'll quit whining. Satella STILL won't shut up about how much of a problem the Cult of the Other is in Dorne," Aqua whined.

"I mean that was all mostly your fault," Eris pointed out. When Aqua glared at her, she shrugged. "If you'd just waited like Madoka wanted, we would have dealt with the Endless Summer before that much longer. As it is, you screwed everything up and the Others are going to be a serious problem again. Not to mention that asshole in Essos."

"Ugh, you're right," Aqua grumbled. Then, she brightened. "Wait. I have everyone! Dust and Lean are still in storage, Claire and Rain were Iris's bodyguards in her last life and they're going through processing, and Komekko is still on parole after taking over hell again."

"What, she didn't get a further penalty for helping Megumin nuke an entire world?" Eris asked.

"I mean, she did, but you can only get so many negative karma points. But think about it, Eris! We could have everyone! Darkness was General Zhukov so she's here too, I have the entire gang! We can just send them all to Planetos! You have Chris somewhere, right? She could go too!"

"Um, that, er, Chris is busy," Eris stammered. She really did not have time right now to take a lifetime off and fool around with Kazuma. As much as she wished she could. Actually, that sounded really, really fun, and Eris was tempted to ask for the time off. No, no, she had duties. But if she could find a way... "But let's think about this, Aqua. Plantos is complicated. There's all the noble houses that are plotting, the situation in Essos, Nyrako to worry about, and even Holo up in the North."

"Hmm, yeah, that's true." Aqua tapped her chin, then picked up her phone. "Hey, Cecily, come over to my place real quick. No, this is not a booty call. You know I'm a maiden goddess. Look, I think I might have an idea to reincarnate you. Yes, there will be cute girls. How many? Um, let's see. I've got Claire, Rain, Iris, Megumin, Yunyun, Komeko-"

The front door slammed as Cecily rushed into the room, still wearing her office uniform. "Why didn't you say so in the first place?! Now what's this about putting me in a world with all those cutie pies?!"

"Cecily, look. The lolicon thing was funny once, but you're taking it too far," Aqua sighed, rubbing her forehead. "If I reincarnate you, we're getting rid of that."

Cecily froze, a look of horror on her face. "You...you wouldn't really do that, would you?"

Aqua and Eris gave the former nun a flat look. Eris shook her head in exasperation. "Look, we're not going to make you into something your not. We're just...we're going to be raising the age restriction on your preferences."

"So...I'll still like cute girls?" Cecily asked, frowning suspiciously.

"Let's go with attractive women, OK?" Aqua said, patting Cecily on the back. "Now look, I've got basically all my favorite reincarnators up as options, and I need to send them to Planetos."

At the mention of "Planetos" Cecily jumped up and sprinted back for the door. She tried to open it, only for it to now be magically sealed. She sprang up, planting one foot on the door frame and tugging, before gripping the doorknob in both hands and grunting as she twisted, finally even putting both feet on the door and jerking side to side.

"Oh come on. It's not that bad!" Aqua declared, planting her hands on her hips.

"Look, I watched Game of Thrones, that place is a hell hole!" Cecily snapped, turning to glare at Aqua as she wiped some sweat and damp hair from her forehead.

"Game of Thrones?" Aqua asked, looking to Eris, who shrugged helplessly. "Where did you watch Game of Thrones?"

Cecily went pale, and tapped her index fingers together as she stammered. "Oh, um, nowhere, I just, I, er-"

"You got it from Vanir, didn't you!" Eris accused, standing to go over and poke Cecily in the chest. The Axis Priestess wilted, looking rather guilty.

"I just...Natalie Dormer is so hot! She's a bit old, but...I'll do it if you let me bang Margaery Tyrell, OK?"

"Who the hell is Margaery Tyrell?" Aqua demanded.

"Wait...what year is it on Planetos right now?" Cecily asked, her forehead wrinkling.

"It's 270 years after Aegon I Targaryen took the Iron Throne," Eris supplied while Aqua was still counting on her fingers and muttering to herself.

"Wait so...that's before Robert's Rebellion right?" Cecily did some considering. "Oh man, that means I can meet Bobby B! He's like the best!"

"I thought you didn't like guys?" Aqua demanded, folding her arms over her chest and glaring at her favorite worshiper.

"For him, I'll make an exception," Cecily vowed, then frowned. "Wait, do they still hate gays and stuff there?"

"Huh? No! The Seven Goddesses are in charge, and I put my foot down on that sort of stuff!" Aqua huffed. "Even Holo's coming around, and Hestia's OK with it since we instituted the heir and surrogacy reforms."

"Well, alright. You um, you've really never seen Game of Thrones?" Cecily asked tentatively. The goddesses shook their heads. A slow, evil smile spread over the Axis Cultists face. "Well then. I have some ideas. You say everyone, right? Dust and them? Just er, not Mitsurugi, right?"

"He's super boring, don't bother with him," Aqua reassured Cecily.

Rubbing her hands gleefully, Cecily looked to Eris. "And Chris? She's a cutie too, you know..."

"You let me worry about her," Eris snapped. Cecily gave her a lecherous grin, which made Eris blush. "Look, I'll try, OK?"

"Oh you let me know if you want to shed that maiden status," Cecily chuckled throatily, the evil light still in her eyes. "Now, what's the whole goal here? Stop the Others, right?"

"Yep, them and the Lord of Light," Aqua agreed.

"Eh, easy. Megumin and Yunyun could handle it on their own. Which means we have more time for Shipping and Slapstick, my favorite things! Now, I have some ideas about where we want to put everyone. We'll start with the Great Houses..." Cecily laid out the basics of a plan, and over the next few years, she, Eris, and Aqua hashed things out in fine detail. In the end, Planetos ended up with fully a dozen reincarnators, spread out to the Nine Great Houses, with Cecily even ending up as Brynden Tully's bastard daughter.

And, Eris even managed to find a way to work Chris in. Even if it did somewhat tarnish her reputation.

Authors Note

I am aware prologues normally come at the beginning, but I thought of this now.