Written and Directed by: Full-Paragon
Produced by: The Grand Cognator
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Hey kids! Eddard Stark can see what his daughters are up to, but can he see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
In this world, only winter is certain.
No! It's the cinnamon sugar swirls in every bite!
Part of this complete crack fic!
Chapter 8: You Can Take the Chuuni Out of the North…
Fourteen years ago…
The Red Keep was never completely empty, but there were times when it was less busy. Despite the Winter cold, the King had taken it upon himself to go hunting in the Kingswood, after a particularly unpleasant argument with his lady wife. He'd also taken Cersei's newest handmaiden with him, and she had a feeling when he came back, the stupid whore would have a swollen belly, and would be bundled off somewhere out of sight.
Part of Cersei was glad. It meant she wouldn't have to worry about taking that oaf into her bed again anytime soon. Part of her was furious. She was the queen. And yet, her husband loved a woman long dead, or the various whores and servants he tumbled. This time he even had the audacity to take a noblewomen to bed, even if she was a minor one.
Which was why Cersei didn't feel the least bit guilty that her brother was sharing her bed again. She wondered if she'd catch? If she did, she'd have to take Robert to her bed again. The thought of that man putting his hands on her was galling, but it was a small price to pay she supposed. What sweet revenge it would be for her to put a cuckoo on the throne, a pure Lannister instead of Robert's ill-begotten spawn.
Cersei heard a noise, and languidly sat up. Jamie was pulling on his tunic, but he'd frozen, and Cersei's heart skipped a beat. She'd left strict orders! Who would-
A sudden blue light filled the chamber, and brother and sister shielded their eyes, even as Jamie grabbed his sword and sprang forward to defend his sister and lover.
"Greetings, Mortals! I-ACK!"
There was the ringing of steel, and when Cersei managed to clear her eyes she found a woman in a long robe with a feathered mantle and two daggers in her hands standing over Jamie, who was on the ground, his sword knocked from his hands. Behind the woman with the daggers cowered a blue haired maiden, who was-
"YOU STUPID JERK! IS THAT HOW YOU GREET GODDESSES WHO COME TO GRANT YOU A BLESSING!?"
"Aqua, you did just jump up and start yelling at him," the dagger woman sighed. Her blades suddenly vanished with a twirl of her fingers. "Where's the king anyway? I thought you said Cersei Lannister was supposed to bear Kazuma."
"Yeah, that's why we had to wait until Bobby B was gone, Eris. Cersei doesn't want to have his kids, she wants to have Jamie's," the blue haired one explained, coming around. She gave Cersei a big smile. "Hey, what's up? So, you're totally in luck! Because I, Aqua Goddess of Water, believe all love is good, be you lolicon, NEET, or have a brother complex, I-"
"Wait, aren't they brother and sister? Twins?" the first woman said as Jamie slowly got to his feet. She spread her hands, and a book appeared in a sparkle of silver light. "Oh my me, Aqua. They ARE twins! Kazuma would be a bastard!"
"He is a bastard, and a NEET. Plus, all of Bobby B's kids are bastards anyway, and Cersei keeps praying to me for a kid and to let her love her brother so I'm answering her prayers. Come on, Eris, this makes the most sense!"
"J-Jamie?" Cersei stammered. "Are, are these?"
"Hold up, just a sec," the woman Cersei was increasingly certain was the Goddess Aqua said. She turned to the other, who had to be Eris. "Look, all love is good, right?"
"Well, I mean-"
"And they love each other, right?"
"Er, yes, but-"
"So what's the problem!? Athena's dad married his sister, and Hestia's mom and dad were siblings too! I mean, I only have a mom, and she just popped me out of her head one day, just like Athena's dad! I do not get why mortals have this hang up! "
"Well, it's the inbreeding, mostly," Eris said. "I think? Look, it's been like eight thousand years since I was mortal. I don't really get it either, but they seem to think it's important."
"So we just keep it a secret! That's what Cecily's for, right?" Aqua argued.
Eris shrugged. "Ok, fine. Just make sure you clear up any negative recessive traits in the gene sequence."
Aqua blinked stupidly, and Eris sighed. "Oh, fine. I'll take care of it. Just give me Kazuma's soul."
"Great! Thanks. I never get all that weird science stuff, doesn't make any sense." Aqua rooted around in her bosom of all places, and pulled out a glowing blue sphere, which she passed to the other goddess, who accepted it.
"Right." Aqua turned back to Cersei and Jamie, who were now clinging to one another, terrified. "Greetings, Mortals!"
"G-greetings, g-goddesses," Cersei stammered.
"You're not here to judge us?" Jamie asked, sounding rather worried.
"Nah. That's Satella's job, or maybe Hestia. We're here to give you a blessing!" Aqua declared. "One of the Children of Destiny!"
Cersei listened in growing shock, and then, smug satisfaction. She had been right. Jamie was the one for her, and she was being rewarded with a son who would be the Prince that Was Promised. Though that did worry her, as the last Prince That Was Promised had been the Kinslayer of Harrenhal. In the end though, she and Jamie accepted the blessing Eris offered them, and made love once more. Her flesh quickened, and she took Robert to bed. When Kazuma was born, the foolish king believed him to be his own son.
But as her son grew, Cercei began to worry. People talked, especially when Tommen and Myrcella came around. The king rarely called the queen to his chambers, and there was no love between them. Theirs was not the only frosty noble marriage, but the Queen's children were drawing notice.
Still, the Goddesses would not abandon Cersei now, would they? She prayed not. If they did, however, Cersei's enemies would not find her a sleeping lioness. She would protect her cubs, no matter what came.
No matter the cost.
As usual, Megumin got up with the sun, bounding out of bed and scrambling into her clothes. Yunyun was up at dawn as well, bursting with excitement and dressing in her nicest riding dress. Megumin darted out of the door, only to be collared by Septa Cecily before she'd gone five steps.
"Not today, kiddo. You've gotta wear your nice duds. Go back and try again," Cecily ordered, hand gripping Megumin's neck firmly.
"Leggo, I'm riding with Kazuma!" Megumin protested, attempting to wriggle out of her tutors grip.
"Yes, you are riding with the prince. Which means, at least for today, you have an incredibly important mission," Cecily informed Megumin.
Megumin paused, eyeing the Axis Septa. "What kind of mission?"
Cecily looked around, then leaned down, dropping her voice to a whisper. "You see, in King's Landing, the Prince has dozens of dangerous enemies. Foes at every turn. If you're going to be riding with him, you'll be a target too."
Megumin considered this, eyeing Cecily suspiciously. "So, I need to wear armor?"
"No, you need to wear a disguise. Everyone knows that Megumin Stark wears nothing but riding leathers and boy's clothes. So, to sneak into the city, we have to get you to wear a dress and-GET BACK HERE YOUNG LADY!"
"You're just trying to trick me, Cecily, I'm not falling for it!" Megumin shouted, scampering away from her minder. She turned around to stick out her tongue at Cecily, only to run smack into what felt like a stone wall. Staggered, Megumin turned to look up and find her father looking down at her.
"Megumin. We're entering the city today. I asked Scepta Cecily to ensure you were dressed as a lady should be. You are going to listen, aren't you?"
Folding her arms over her chest, Megumin frowned and began to sulk. "Well, if I have to wear a dress, then-"
"-uncomfortable! Can't I just ride in the wheelhouse? I don't want to wear this stupid monkey suit! It doesn't even fit properly anymore!" Prince Kazuma complained as he exited his own tent, dressed in a red and yellow silken tunic emblazoned with the Crowned Stag and Lannister Lion. It did indeed not quite fit the prince anymore, as he had done some growing in the nearly six months since they had left King's Landing last, and though the tunic had been adjusted several times it was just a bit too small.
That made Megumin flush slightly, as her dresses fit just fine, her having not grown much since leaving Winterfell. To Megumin's irritation, Yunyun had actually surpassed her younger sister in height, and the gap seemed to be widening.
"Yes, father," Megumin grumbled, and turned back to her tent, changing into the riding dress of grey and white with the Stark direwolf on it. Megumin had made it a general policy throughout her life to wear skirts as rarely as possible, as knights did not wear dresses. Though she did have a newly acquired goal of learning magic, she still thought of herself as doing so as an armored knight, not a silly maester in robes.
"Hey."
Megumin turned to glare at Kazuma, who was standing beside his horse, fiddling with a golden circlet in his hands. "What?" she snapped, ready for the prince to deliver some acidic barb about her appearance.
"You, um, you look good. That dress is, er, nice on you."
Having been prepared with a cut about how Kazuma looked like an overstuffed scarecrow, Megumin's mind blanked at the compliment. All she managed was to goggle at Kazuma, who blushed and turned away, scrambling into his saddle far less gracefully than he usually did.
"Um, Megumin, I think he was trying to be nice."
Megumin turned to glower at Yunyun instead, who was already on her own horse. "What are you talking about? Cadzuma is a rude jerk! He's never nice!"
"Really?" Yunyun looked at her sister incredulously. "That's not a very kind thing to say about your friend."
"We are not friends," Megumin huffed. Instead of accepting the helping hand up into her saddle, Megumin hiked up her skirts and jumped up into the saddle rather ungracefully.
"For someone who you're not friends with, you two spend a lot of time together," Yunyun said, still eyeing her sister sideways.
"That is because we have to learn about, you know," Megumin wiggled her fingers suggestively, as though casting a spell.
"Megumin, even before that, you woke up at dawn to get Kazuma, played together all day, then didn't separate until it was bedtime," Yunyun pointed out. "You spend more time with him than you do me these days."
"That's because you're not interested in becoming a knight, and learning the art of the blade," Megumin declared. "I shall master the blade, and one day, be Lady Commander of the Kingsguard, just like Barristan Selmy!"
"Is that so, my lady? I do confess, do not recall many calling me 'lady' Commander of the Sworn Brothers of the King's guard. Or would that be Sworn Sisters?"
Megumin spun about, going pale, then red, as an older man dressed in a snow white cloak and tabard rode up to them. Despite the man's age and weathered and scared features, he sat with grace and poise in the saddle, and his hand rested lightly on his sword hilt, his eyes steady, yet ever aware of his surroundings like the master swordsman he was.
"Ohmygoddesses!" Megumin squealed. "You're Ser Barristan the Bold! The Greatest Knight EVER!"
"You flatter me, Lady Stark," Ser Berristan chuckled. "I would consider myself merely a man who does his duty."
"But you slew Maelys the Monstrous in the Stepstones! You won Lord Steffon's tourney where you defeated-"
"Your pardon, Lord Barriston, my daughter has something of an obsession with you," Eddard said, easing his horse next to Megumin's.
"Dad! Dad! He's Ser Barristan! Do you think you could beat him, dad? I bet you could! I know you don't like tourneys and stuff but I bet if you'd fought him at the Trident you'd totally have kicked his butt!" Megumin babbled.
That made the old knight chuckle. "It seems even the supposed greatest knight of the realm must pale in comparison to the esteem a daughter has for her lord father. Though I will say, Lady Stark, I am grateful that your father and I never crossed swords. He is a man to be respected, on and off the battlefield."
"If only my daughter believed the same," Eddard said, giving Megumin an affectionate smile. "Come. We're to ride at the head with the king's party. You're to ride beside the crown prince, Megumin."
"What about Yunyun?" Megumin demanded, glancing at her sister.
"It's OK, I can ride with Tommen and Myrcella! I'm just happy we're going to be able to make so many new friends today!" Yunyun then rode up to Ser Barristen, smiling widely. "Hello! I'm Yunyun Stark! I'm so glad to meet you! You seem nice, we should be friends!"
Ser Barristan's eyebrows rose, and he glanced at Eddard, who chuckled and shook his head. "Was it not you who told me it is more honorable to make a friend, rather than an enemy, Ser Barristan?"
"I suppose it was," the Lord Commander agreed, and he bowed slightly to Megumin. "I should be honored to be your friend and protector, Lady Yunyun, for as long as you remain here in King's Landing."
"Oh good! I'm sure I'll be here lots, Megumin's going to marry the prince. I don't think she's figured it out yet though."
Ser Barriston hid a smile and a laugh with a cough. "Is that so? Well, come. It is time for us to enter into the city."
Though Megumin rode beside Kazuma as the party entered into the city, she had eyes only for Ser Barristan, and rambled on to Kazuma about his various heroic feats. She didn't even notice that the prince was growing increasingly irritated at her nattering as they wound their way through the city.
"Oh yeah?" Kazuma snapped to Megumin at last, even as the small folk waved and cheered at the royal party's passage. "If you like him so much, why don't you marry him?"
"Don't be gross, he's cool, but he's old. Older than my dad," Megumin said, making a face. "See, you should try to be cool like Ser Barristan, or your Uncle Jamie. You could have an awesome cloak, and go on quests, and slay vicious foes!"
"Yeah? Well, knight's aren't as cool as you think," Kazuma grumbled. "Wait till you meet Sandor's asshole brother."
"Well, Sandor's alright, but he's not really a proper knight," Megumin sniffed.
"True. I don't bash children's heads in, or rape women before I kill them," Sandor growled.
"Clegane!" Jamie snapped, turning in his saddle to glare at the Hound. "Keep a civil tongue in your head around the lady."
"Oh, your pardon, Ser Jamie," Sandor said in a dutiful tone, but the emphasis he put on the Ser made it more than half an insult. "What was it they call you again?"
"Ok, Sandor, knock it off, right now," Kazuma ordered, turning in his seat to glare at the Hound. "What the hell has gotten into you? Ok, so Megumin's a knight fangirl. It's annoying. But that doesn't mean you need to pick on her. Back off."
"As you say, your highness," Sandor muttered, and pulled his mount back slightly.
"He's mad because he feels bad he didn't protect you," Megumin said softly, feeling guilty. "And me, probably. Haven't you noticed? He's slept outside your door pretty much every night."
"How do you know that?" Kazuma asked suspiciously.
Megumin flushed. "Well, he may have caught me trying to sneak in and get you to try practicing magic during the full moon. It's supposed to make some spells more powerful."
"How am I not surprised?" Kazuma sighed. He managed to give Megumin a smile. "So, um, what do you think of King's Landing so far?"
Megumin looked around, wrinkling her nose. There were stains of old filth everywhere, gutters with brown water and worse, and unwashed masses of people. It wasn't like Winterfell at all, which housed over a thousand, but was clean and well kept. "It stinks, and it's too noisy."
The prince snorted and had to stifle a laugh. "You know, I think the same thing. That's why I hardly ever bother leaving my rooms."
They arrived at the palace at last, where the party split up to refresh themselves from the road. Megumin was eager to change out of her dress and have a bath, until she spied what Cecily had laid out for her and her sister to wear.
"This is outrageous! It's unfair!" Megumin bellowed, standing up in her bath and making Yunyun squawk as she was splashed. "I already wore a dress today, how am I even supposed to walk in that thing?!"
"Tell you what, you wear the dress, I'll throw in the eyepatch," Cecily said, holding up a bright crimson strip of cloth. "Deal?"
Megumin considered this, eyeing Cecily distrustfully. "You won't trick me and try to take it?"
"Honey, Axis Cultists know how to make a good entrance. Knock 'em dead," Cecily said, giving Megumin a big thumbs up. "Just don't put it on until you're ready or Eddy will take it. Sheesh, you'd think he'd lighten up after all these years and learn how to have some fun! Now you two hurry up, I'm supposed to help you remember all the names of all these supposedly important people. Can't remember them myself most of the time…"
With the realization that she was going to be able to make a spectacular introduction in front of the entire court, Megumin eagerly scrambled into the dress, but had Cecily and Yunyun help her hide Chunchumaru in her skirts. She had to make sure they did a proper introduction.
"Um, Megumin, just this once, maybe we could, you know, introduce ourselves like normal people?" Yunyun asked as they made ready to head to the great hall.
"Yunyun, what have I told you? This is a proud and important part of our culture. Now, are you a proper member of the Crimson Demon Band of Adventurers or not?"
"I am, I am," Yunyun agreed. "You know dad is going to have a fit."
"You let me worry about him. This will be totally worth it," Megumin declared.
Unfortunately, no sooner had they stepped outside then their father and Robb were standing there, waiting.
"Megumin. Where is Chunchumaru?" Eddard asked, baring Megumin's way.
"I don't know, in my trunk or something," she said, scowling in irritation.
"Sister, we're in King's Landing. Father is to be Hand. We cannot dishonor our family name," Robb said. "Now. Your sword."
"But, but we have to-"
"We'll have time for posing and shouting about your great feats later," her father said sternly. "I'm not going to ask again. Where is Chunchumaru?"
Grumbling, Megumin hiked up her skirts and handed over her wooden blade, which her father stowed back in the sisters chambers. "Now. I trust you will both behave yourselves? Follow the example of the royal family if you forget your lessons. Which I am certain Septa Cecily did not neglect."
"Hey, we just went over that stuff. Megumin can curtsy with the best of them!" Cecily laughed. When Lord Stark gave the Septa a pained look, she just winked. "I'll behave myself, boss. Don't sweat it, your girls will be good!"
As they walked, Megumin fell back to Cecily and glared at her. "You told."
"Damn right I did, kid. It's for your own good you know. Unless you want to join the Axis Cult, you can't really get away with acting like that down here. We're not in Winterfell anymore. Dog eat dog in the court," Cecily said seriously. "Look, I care about you, Megs. Make a good impression. It counts for a lot."
"I was going to make a good impression, but then you all ruined it," Megumin muttered. Then she brightened. She did still have the eye patch. Maybe the situation was salvageable after all.
When they did arrive at the Great Hall, Megumin suddenly felt slightly relieved that her father had confiscated Chunchumaru and forbade her from her typical theatrics. She hadn't realized just how many people there would be here. Even riding through King's Landing hadn't quite prepared Megumin for the pageantry of the lords and ladies of the court assembled in their finery. There were over a hundred of them, plus servants, men at arms, courtiers, and several children.
They were just making their way into the hall when Prince Kazuma appeared with Sandor at his heels. "My Lord, if I may have the pleasure of escorting my lady?" Kazuma said.
To Megumin's surprise, her father nodded, and allowed Kazuma to take Megumin's arm.
"What are you doing?" she hissed.
"Getting you this," Kazuma replied, and held a hand out to Sandor, who quickly passed Kazuma a long object.
"Here, take it. We just grabbed a random one, but I figured you'd get busted and your dad would take Chunchumaru," Kazuma whispered.
Megumin gaped as she realized the prince had given her a sword and scabbard, but she quickly made it vanish into her skirts. "Why'd you bring it to me?"
"Duh, so we can do a proper introduction," Kazuma hissed. "Wait, hold up, gotta let my dad go first."
The court greeted Robert, who nodded looking a bit irritated at the long winded greetings offered by the members of his Small Council.
"Before we go any further, I have two announcements," Robert said, leaning forward on the rather uncomfortable looking Iron Throne. It was a lot bigger than Megumin had imagined, being taller than a man was with what had to be hundreds of swords making it up.
"First, Lord Eddard Stark has accepted the position of Hand of the King. Let his word be my word, and his actions, my actions, for he is my right hand in all things," Robert declared, standing with a grunt and shambling down the steps of the throne. Megumin's father knelt, and Robert draped a heavy golden chain of interlocked golden hands about Eddard's neck.
"I accept this burden, your Grace, and shall execute the duties of the office of the Hand with honor and justice," Eddard vowed.
"So be it," Robert said, making a hurrying up gesture. Did he look...bored? How could he be bored? This was so cool! "Rise, Lord Stark."
"Next, Lord Stark and I ought to share with you all," the king said, looking around the chamber. "He and I have pledged our houses to be joined, by the marriage of my son, Crown Prince Kazuma Baratheon, and his Daughter, Lady Megumin Stark."
"Now!" Kazuma cried, and before she knew what was happening, Megumin jumped out from the crowd, drawing her new sword and raising it high. She caught her father's expression out of the corner of her eye and- was he smiling?
"BEHOLD!" Kazuma roared, causing a collective gasp of breath from the assembled court. "I AM KAZUMA BARATHEON, CROWN PRINCE OF THE SEVEN KINGDOMS, AND HE WHO WILL ONE DAY MARRY MEGUMIN!"
"BEHOLD! I AM MEGUMIN STARK! FOREMOST GENIUS OF THE HOUSE OF STARK, AND SHE WHO WILL ONE DAY BE QUEEN!"
Megumin grinned at the astonished expressions of the assembled nobles, and lowered her sword, making an arcane sign over her eye, which of course bore her eye patch once more. "Ha! I see my glory has left these poor Southron fools speechless! No wonder the King and Prince Kazuma were forced to battle their way north, against vicious demons and terrible monsters in order to find a worthy bride!"
"Of course, how else could my dark and terrible power have been tamed save by the hand of the She-Wolf of Winterfell?" Kazuma asked, leaning against Megumin's back and posing with his sword held in a high guard position.
"As you can see, our children are somewhat enthusiastic about the betrothal," the king said dryly. "I'm quite certain you'll all agree it's a suitable match, and that I couldn't have found a better woman for my son if I'd searched all the way to bloody Yi Ti. Now, if the two of you will excuse us, you're not quite king yet, Kazuma. There are some small matters to attend to, I'm certain."
"Um, yes, of course, father," Kazuma said, giving a jerky bow. Megumin gave a curtsy to the king, blushing as she and Kazuma scampered back to where Yunyun was standing.
"Still don't think he's your friend?" Yunyun whispered.
"Well. I am beginning to think he may have certain redeeming qualities," Megumin whispered back. She eyed Kazuma, considering. Maybe being a queen wouldn't be so bad. Some queens had been dragon riders, after all, and fought in battles. She'd just have to be that kind, instead of the fussy annoying type like Cersei Lannister was.
Neither she nor Kazuma ever saw the small private smile on the new Hand's face, or the amused look the queen gave her son and his betrothed. And while both of them got quite a lecture from their respective parents in private later, it wasn't quite as thorough as it could have been.
Cast of Characters:
Megumin as; WINNING!
Kazuma as; The Chuuniest Prince in Town
Yunyun as; Red Eyes of Friendship
Eddard Stark as; The Hand of Judgement
Robert Baratheon as; Not nearly drunk enough for this
Ser Barristan Selmy as; Holy shit this guy is so cool
And the cast of A Song of Ice and Fire as rather scandalized.