So I forgot to post this chapter in the correct order. As it's mostly Iris's chapter, that shouldn't matter too much, as she's mostly disconnected from the main plot anyway at this time.
Written and Directed by: Full-Paragon
Produced by: The Grand Cognator
Sponsored by: Mustang Brand Lighters. Build a man a fire, and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Chapter 9: Evasive Maneuvers
Kings Landing was much as Eddard Stark remembered it: a rats' nest of small folk living on top of one another in squalor, with the Red Keep perched atop it all. He was sweating more than ever in this Southron heat, even this early in the day. Still, Robert's summons had seemed urgent, and Eddard and Jory strode quickly through the halls to the Small Council's Chambers.
"Ah, Lord Eddard, so good to have a punctual Hand once more," Lord Varys said as Ned entered the room. The Spider was already seated at the council table, and did not rise, only giving a bloodless smile.
"Lord Varys," Eddard said, giving the eunuch a nod and doing his best to hide his distaste. He'd become somewhat better at such things since his last stay in King's Landing, as his daughters had taught him a great deal about patience and tolerating things he found unpleasant.
"I must say, your daughter is such a delight. It is rare that someone manages to take the court so unawares," Varys chuckled, a wet, almost coughing sound. "And such a match for the prince! Indeed, many of us had despaired of our beloved Kazuma ever finding a wife that would put up with his own peculiarities."
Something about the comment rankled Eddard, and he felt as though Varys was mocking his daughter. "Megumin is quite dear to me. I hope she and Kazuma will find happiness together," he replied coolly. Further conversation was interrupted as the Grand Maester and Ser Barristan entered the room, deep in discussion about some more arcane point of lore. They were followed shortly by the king's youngest brother Lord Renly, and Lord Baelish, the latter of which gave Eddard a knowing smile.
"Well then, shall we get started, my lords?" Varys said, giving another ingratiating smile as everyone was seated.
"What of the king, and Lord Stannis? I have not yet seen him about the keep, is he unwell?" Eddard asked.
"Lord Stannis has been absent for many months now, departing for Dragonstone not long after the king went North," Baelish replied, a small smile on his lips. "And, well, if we wait for the king-"
"Then you'd bloody well be doing what I keep you around for, Little Finger," Robert gasped, hauling himself into the room and panting softly for breath. "Forgot how bloody large this damned place is."
Groaning, Robert eased himself into the massive padded chair at the head of the table, then glared around the chamber. "Alright, I want to know where the bitch is."
"Pardon, brother, but does our new Hand know of whom you speak?" Lord Renly asked, eyeing Eddard with a neutral expression.
"Seven hells, Renly, he damn well should! I'm speaking of that viperous bitch, Iris Targaryen!" Robert roared, slamming the table with his fist. "What's this I heard about her burning Pentos to the ground, and why did I hear of it as a jape from Loras Tyrell and not from my Master of Whisperers!?"
"Ah," Varys said, licking his lips. "We had not sought to trouble you, your Grace, so fresh from the road. In truth, Pentos still stands, we only know that the girl has left the city."
"After slaughtering an entire damned Dothraki Khalisar! What in the name of all the goddesses is she up to?" Robert snarled. "I want that girl's head on a bleeding pike! Didn't we send some of the Faceless Ones after her?"
"Robert!" Eddard cried, forgetting himself somewhat. "She is nought but a girl! Not even a woman grown yet!"
"She's a Targaryen, and they're all snakes," Robert growled. "And this one I want dead like the rest of her brood."
"I do have some information, but it is unverified. I hardly credit it myself," Varys said, reaching into his robes. "I had hoped to have something other than base rumor for you, your Grace, but what whispers have passed to my ears are troubling."
Varys pulled out a rolled parchment, smoothing it out on the table. Eddard glanced at it, and felt his heart skip a beat. On it was an image drawn in hasty charcol, then lacquered. It depicted a girl sitting atop a horse, long lightly colored hair escaping from her hood. She had both arms out, and perched on each was a winged beast, tongues of flame shooting from their muzzles. Above her flew another creature. All looked to be about the size of an eagle, but what they were was unmistakable.
"Dragons," Eddard gasped, reaching out slowly to touch the paper.
Robert slumped in his seat, his face going gray. "This cannot be. There hasn't been a living dragon in generations."
"It is said on the night of the girl's birth, Athena herself appeared in the sky, blessing her," Grand Maester Pycell said, shaking his head. "There have been rumors of late. Rumors of goddesses and magic running rampant. The return of dragons would be an ill omen indeed."
"Still think she's just a girl, Ned?" Robert growled.
Slowly, Eddard shook his head. "If she has dragons, even young ones...she is no girl. She's a dragon lord, come again. Do we know of her intent?"
"The last word was that she informed the magisters of Pentoss that she would, 'cross the sea and take back my Big Bro's kingdom,'" Varys stated. "At which point, she vanished into the Dothraki Sea. She's reemerged at several points, but we haven't been able to piece together her plan."
"Bring me a bloody map!" Robert barked. "I want details! I'll see this girl dead if I have to hire every assassin and sell sword from here to Asshai!"
A map of Essos was dutifully retrieved and laid on the table, and Varys began to carefully mark where reports of Iris and her dragons had been located, indicating the likely date when the sightings had occurred.
When Varys was done, Eddard could only stare at the map in despondency. It was crisscrossed by lines that indicated possible travel and stops by Iris Targaryn's band, which was rumored to consist of her, her brother, and now Ser Jorah Mormont. Ned felt a pang of regret he'd not executed the man instead of exiling him. To have a Targaryen with dragons loose in the world again...Eddard had a soft spot for children, and he still feared for Jon's life. He did think of the boy as his son, and as a Stark, not a Targaryen. But Iris was a threat.
"We can make nothing of her intended path or destination. Wherever she appears, she recruits new followers to her company, causes some havoc with those who could hope to resist her, then vanishes," Varys stated.
"The Targaryen's are mad, but cunning," Robert growled. "Only the goddesses know what devilish scheme that girl is brewing."
"Big bro, I think we're lost again," Iris admitted after what Viserys estimated was at least three days of wandering in circles.
"Perhaps, little sister, if you would let someone else use the map?" Viserys suggested, trying not to let out a groan of anguish.
Iris shook her head, smiling brightly. "Don't worry, Big Bro, I know exactly where we're going! We're going to get an army, then cross the Narrow Sea and kick Fat Robert right off his stolen throne!" She held up the map, pursing her lips, and frowning.
This time, Viserys did let out a groan, and scrubbed his face with his hand. Iris had the map upside down. And, how he didn't know, also backwards.
"Hmm. I think...that way!" Iris declared, pointing in what Viserys assumed was a random direction. "Yep! This is sure to be the way, Big Bro! Come on, Ser Jorah!"
"As you say, my lady," Ser Jorah agreed, and waved his arm. The collection of misfits that Iris had been acquiring over the past few months followed after her as she rode on her horse, leading them only the goddesses knew where.
Part of Viserys wondered just why anyone would follow his obviously insane sister. The other part of him kept an eye overhead, where three dragons circled lazily in the sky.
One of them, the largest and a black colored brute, swooped down to Iris, causing the horse to shy. The dragon was growing swiftly, and was now about the size of a large hound. Iris reached into her saddle pack, pulling out a bit of cooked meat and tossing it to her pet.
"Good boy, Belzerg!" Iris said, reaching down and petting the dragon's pointed muzzle. The beast breathed out a bit of flame, which made Iris giggle as the fire played over her fingers.
As Viserys and everyone else had learned, Iris appeared to be entirely immune to fire, as the dragons had burned down no fewer than three tents with her inside. The first time, Iris had only woken up when Jorah had thrown water on the fire. She'd stumbled out, dress still smoldering, and demanded to know who was attacking them. Upon hearing it was the dragons, Iris had proceeded to set all three of the beasts down and delivered a stern lecture on fire safety.
At first, Viserys had thought this just a sign of his sister's madness. After all, dragons were beasts, not men, even if they did have odd powers. Except that Belzerg seemed to take exception to the lecture, and had attacked Iris. Ser Jorah and some of their followers had gasped in shock, until Iris wrested the dragon out of the air and proceeded to literally spank him.
After that, Belzerg was much more compliant and tame, apparently having realized what Viserys had learned a long time ago: Iris was tougher, stronger, and meaner than anyone else. Though decidedly not bigger, as most of the dragons were now larger than she. Belzerg had tried several times to prove himself against Iris, but so far all he'd earned were several more lickings.
In contrast, the two females, Stylish Sword and Imoto, were far better behaved than their larger brother. Stylish Sword was a mottled dark red, and was nearly as aggressive as Belzerg when it came to hunting for prey. Whenever Dothraki had been foolish enough to attack Iris's group, Stylish Sword had been the one to pursue the horse riders the longest and fiercest. She was, however, docile enough that she would allow others beside Iris to feed her, though she would suffer no other hand to touch her.
As for Imoto, she was the smallest of the dragons, and for a fire breathing monster that lived for war and conquest, she was surprisingly gentle, even allowing other hands to touch her at times. Though whenever Iris offered to let Viserys do so, he quickly begged off. The dragon was, however, extremely protective of Iris, and prone to sending licks of flame in the direction of anyone who dared raise their voices against her mother.
They hadn't got far before the female dragons overhead let out warbling shrieks, and dove on something out of sight on the rolling grassy hills. With a roar and burst of flame, Belzerg rose into the air as well, following after his sisters. Iris laughed and spurred her horse, which caused Ser Jorah to race after her. Viserys didn't know why. It wasn't as though Iris were in any danger. Maybe Jorah was worried for the sake of whatever was currently being flame broiled by the dragons.
Half an hour later, Viserys rode over a low rise and came upon a grisly scene: half a dozen slaughtered and seared sheep, which the dragons had mostly devoured.
"Look, Big Bro, Imoto brought your dinner!" Iris declared, holding up a lamb that had apparently been dropped from a height to break its back.
"Er, that's nice," Viserys said, forcing a smile on his face. At least it was better than starving. They'd acquired over one hundred former dothraki slaves, who had been left behind when their former masters had either perished or fled after attacking Iris. Viserys wasn't sure if they had been trying to avenge Khal Drogo, or if they'd just been dumb enough to think that a girl and her three pet dragons were easy prey.
They had spent more than half a year wandering across the Dothraki Sea by Viserys reckoning, though he was admittedly fairly bad at math that didn't involve figuring out how far away he was from his little sister. During that time, they'd clashed innumerable times with the Dothraki. Part of Viserys wondered if the horse lords were just slow learners, or if somehow they hadn't heard of the destruction of other khalisars because Iris didn't leave enough survivors.
Most of Iris's "army" was a collection of former slaves that Iris had "freed" after destroying several khalisars. A rather large portion of those slaves had sensibly run away screaming from the sword wielding maniac and her three pet monsters, but there had always been at least a few that had viewed Iris as a savior, if a violent one, and sworn themselves to her service. There were also a few warriors, most of them Dothraki that had bent the knee rather than be incinerated or hacked to pieces.
As it was nearing nightfall, the group began to set up camp in the manner that Iris prescribed. Viserys didn't see why Iris insisted on each camp being set up in neat, orderly rows, with the fighters on the outer edges and the women and children, and Viserys, on the inside. When possible, Iris also demanded that a line of stakes and a shallow trench be dug around the camp. The most obsessive part of Iris's plans however, came to sanitation. Slit trenches for latrines were always to be placed downhill and down stream of the camp, and were to be buried before the group moved on. Somehow, Iris had found a couple Axis cultists, and required that all water was to be purified or boiled before it was used for drinking.
"She behaves as though she's an old campaigner. Even Randyll Tarly or Tywin Lannister would approve of her quartering of troops," Ser Jorah had mused. Viserys thought that was dumb, as most of them weren't troops, but a bunch of useless women and children they had to feed.
As of late, the feeding was much easier, as Iris had taught her dragons to locate game, and either bring it back, or circle above their kills and wait for parties to retrieve it for the camp. As the dragons were just as terrified of her as everyone else, they were rather androit in their services.
With the camp set up, Iris set about holding court. She always demanded that Viserys attend and sit in the high seat, as though he were actually in charge.
"Captain Jokko, Big Bro needs to know our scouts reports," Iris said, standing dutifully beside Viserys.
"Khaleesi-"
"General," Iris corrected. She seemed to envision herself as the commanding officer Viserys' army, which was hilarious because the army's primary purpose seemed to be to keep Viserys from running away.
"General Stormborn," Jokko acceded. He spoke only Dothraki, which Viserys wouldn't have bothered to learn if Iris hadn't insisted on personally tutoring him until he mastered the language. As it was, he was quite fluent. "The scouts report we have entered into the territory of the lamb men. They fled, leaving behind some small portions of their flocks upon seeing your glorious children."
"What's a 'lamb men?'" Viserys asked, looking to Ser Jorah.
"That would be the Lhazareen. We must have crossed the Dothraki Sea and entered into the Lhazar."
"Is that near Braavos? I was trying to get to Braavos so we could cross the Narrow Sea and get Big Bro's throne back," Iris asked, her brow furrowing.
Ser Jorah and Iris's other advisors goggled at her, and Viserys cleared his throat. "Ah, little sister, Lhazar is just about the opposite direction from Braavos. It's on the other side of half the continent."
"Oh." Iris scratched at her chin, frowning. "Maybe someone else should use the map."
"I think that might be wise," Ser Jorah said faintly. "I had thought- were you not making for Slaver's Bay? I had thought you were seeking to hire mercenaries, such as the Unsullied."
"Oh! What do you think, Big Bro? Should we get some mercenaries? We've got lots of treasure now."
Indeed, Iris's baggage was composed of nearly 200 pack horses, many of which were laden with gold, silks, and other wealth they had taken from the defeated Dothraki. It was only a fraction of what had been left behind, and Viserys imagined there were still vast fortunes hidden in the grass as it grew back from the battles. It still pained Viserys that they'd left behind so much wealth, but they had simply not had the people and horses to transport all the plunder they'd seized from the khalisars.
"Er, well, Unsullied are supposed to be excellent and loyal troops," Viserys ventured. "We could do that?"
"Great! We'll get Big Bro's army from Slaver's Bay!" Iris agreed happily. "Now, I want a quartermasters report. How are our provisions? Big Bro wants to make sure his army is well fed!"
Viserys actually didn't give a damn about any of that, but he smiled and nodded and did a lot of "Well, little sis, what do you think?" and then told everyone to do what Iris said. It was what everyone was going to do anyway.
Early the next morning, the sentries reported the arrival of a band of armed men, some mounted, but most on foot with slings and spears. Viserys immediately went to the safest place: behind Iris. Unfortunately, that refuge had just buckled on her plate armor and had strode out to face the oncoming force.
"Who dares approach my Big Bro's army?" Iris shouted in dothraki as the group of just over a hundred fighters hurried towards them.
"We are the warriors of the Lhazareen! Prepare to face justice, dothraki dogs!" a voice replied in the same language
"We are not dothraki, you blind fools," Ser Jorah bellowed. "Before you stands Queen Iris Targaryen, the first of her name, Queen of the Andals, The Rhoynar, and the First Men, Lady of the Seven Kingdoms, Blessed of Athena, and Protector of the Realm!"
"That's right! And don't forget my Big Bro!" Iris agreed. Viserys fervently prayed that everyone would, and he could find some out of the way place to hide in for the rest of his days.
That brought the Lhazareen up short, and their leaders held a whispered conference. "Well, you still have stolen our sheep!"
"Oh, we can pay for those! My Big Bro is super generous," Iris declared. "My babies were just hungry."
"Babies?" the leader of the lamb men asked, and then had just enough time to piss themselves as Belzerg, Stylish Sword, and Imoto flew down out the sky bearing a sheep apiece. The dragons glared at the cowering warriors, several of which had turned tail and run off.
"That would be the dragons," Ser Jorah said dryly. "Her Grace is a dragonlord. We'd have thought you would have noticed."
"Oh, don't be scared, my babies are very well behaved." Iris turned her gaze on her dragons, her eyes flashing. "Because mommy would be very upset if you killed people you weren't supposed to."
The dragons all immediately assumed what Viserys could only describe as postures of wounded innocence. Belzerg shuffled slightly, apparently remembering the last time his mother had decided to discipline him.
"Er, well, i-i-if you're going to pay for the sheep, I suppose it's fine." the remaining Lhazareen commander stammered.
"Great! Quartermaster, negotiate a suitable price for foodstuffs for our forces, and include the animals we have already taken," Iris ordered.
The negotiations were short, and unless Viserys was even more uninformed of livestock prices than his sister was on geography, the deal that was struck was ludicrously favorable to their group. Considering that Iris and the dragons were perfectly capable of taking what they wanted from these timid people, Viserys figured the shepherds had still gotten a pretty good deal.
That day, they rode through more rolling hills, and made their camp by one of the Lhazareen towns. The villagers appeared to be utterly terrified of them, hiding in their homes and peeking out through their shuttered windows on occasion. The only time they showed themselves was when they were given payment for their flocks, and a few men hurried out to separate the sheep that were needed.
Near dusk, a woman emerged from the largest building on a rounded hilltop, which Viserys assumed was a Red Temple from the large braziers out front. Upon seeing she was dressed in red and white robes like that of a jester's motley, Viserys suspicions were confirmed. The Red Priestess proceeded to build a large bonfire not far from the camp, loudly reciting prayers to the Lord of Light. A few villagers hurried out to toss some fuel into the flames and mutter a quick prayer before running back inside.
Seeing Iris was occupied, Viserys snuck out to the bonfire, bringing a handful of wood chips to offer into the blaze.
"Why do you disturb my night fire, intruder?" the priestess demanded.
"Oh, you know, just saying my own prayers," Viserys said, giving her a halfhearted smile. He didn't necessarily believe in the Red God, but he was also incredibly wary of the Seven Goddesses, as he largely blamed them for saddling him with Iris.
The priestess regarded Viserys, looking thoughtful. "Do you follow the Lord of Light, False Dragon?"
"I'll follow anyone who could keep me away from that monster," Viserys muttered, and threw in the wood chips.
To his shock, the flames suddenly roared, and he heard cackling laughter. Viserys jumped back, his heart racing and face pale.
"The Red God hears your prayers," the priestess declared, raising her hands to the sky. "Fear not, noble prince. The night is dark, and full of terrors, but The Lord of Light shall bring laughter to every lip, and warmth to every heart."
"That's um, very nice, and-"
"I see within the flames, prince. I see you far away from your sister, given rest at last, the false goddesses laid low at your feet."
"Really? Far away from Iris?" Viserys asked, suddenly far more interested.
"Indeed. All you need do is follow the path the Lord of Light lays out for you, child, and he shall ensure you are warm for the rest of your life," the priestess promised.
Viserys slowly nodded. "I see. And, who, exactly, are you?"
The priestess's broad face, painted in red and white, was split by a grin. "I am Mirri Maz Durr. Priest of Kefka, Lord of Light and Laughter."
The woman smiled at Viserys, and he couldn't help but smile back. After all, how bad could this Kefka be?
Cast of Characters
Bobby B as; Actually correct on his threat assessment of Targaryens
Iris Targaryen as; Murder Loli
Viserys as; a total schmuck
Mirri Maz Durr as; Oh shit
And introducing:
Kefka Palazzo as; R'hllor, the Lord of Light
And the cast of a Song of Ice and Fire as thoroughly screwed