XVI. Life, II

Edvardiel crossed his arms and didn't reply. Jacob tried to offer her some but she refused as well. The last thing she wanted if they ran into the demons was to be high as a kite.

Honestly, she found it absurd. "You can barely grow food but you found the resources to grow that?"

"I got it from a supplier," Jacob said, taking a deep puff. "Helps numb the existential angst somewhat."

"He nearly lost a finger over that joint," Paul said. He shook his head as Jacob held out the joint. "I'm driving, dude. Do you want us to crash?"

"It's either the crash or the demons," Jacob sighed, his pupils little pinpricks. "I'll take crashing."

Issa felt a twinge of disquiet every time they talked about the 'demons' but that was to be expected. She kept her emotions at bay and made up lies, blending with the two humans easily. Edvardiel, on the other hand, fell into a stony silence that surprised her.

Where was the friendly, trusting-to-a-fault angel she'd come to know?

At first, she'd thought it was because he was still shaken from the void or because he was afraid of repercussions from Heaven since angels weren't supposed to talk to humans. But after sitting through his silence despite Jacob's attempts to include him, she'd reached out and stealthily felt his emotions.

What she found there surprised her.

Beneath his guardedness were undertones of disgust. Edvardiel was disgusted by Jacob.

Issa scratched her head. Sure, Jacob was a pothead and he smelled. But so did any human without access to a shower. Disgust was too strong an emotion. As she observed their bond, she realised he didn't feel that way towards just Jacob. He felt that way about Paul as well.

As she stared at him, Edvardiel turned, catching her eye and her stomach curled with dread. She knew he was waiting until they could talk and she wasn't looking forward to telling him that Michael had destroyed his wings.

No wings meant no help from Heaven.

Not that she expected any help from the angels after what they did.

Her heart ached. For Edvardiel. For their Earth. Because Edvardiel was right—Hell didn't belong on Earth. But without a way to reach Heaven, no matter how unspeakable its angels, she had no idea how to stop the Apocalypse.

She was a ticking time bomb. Once Edvardiel ran out of glory, she would again be Hell's instrument. There were a lot of things Issa wanted to do before that happened. She wanted to see Alice again and find a way to keep her safe. She wanted to get Edvardiel as far away from Lilith as possible. She wanted to get rid of as many demons as she could. And after that… well, she'd figure it out when it happened.

When Jacob and Paul finally decided to rest for the night, Edvardiel and Issa wandered away with the excuse of needing to stretch their legs.

"How are you feeling?" he asked softly.

She studied his face in the moonlight, pondering on the stark difference. His gentleness for her was worlds apart from his distaste for Jacob and Paul.

"Not great," she said honestly. She was well enough to put on a charade for the humans but she wasn't well enough to do much more than hobble around slowly. Her muscles felt weak as a newborn and she had to lean on him for support. How the tables had turned. "How long was I out for, exactly?"

"Five and a half days," Edvardiel said.

Five and a half days... and that was after a few hours in the void. How had Edvardiel lasted a century in there?

"You carried me around for six days?"

"Only three. Ran into them after." His face grew pinched. "I didn't know how to help you. I don't know much about human needs so I accepted their help."

Heaven forbade him from interacting with humans and he'd done it all the same. He'd done it for her. Issa felt the odd flutter in her stomach, the same one she'd felt when he'd helped her fly.

She made a face. "You didn't faint? What a surprise."

Edvardiel's eyes glinted with humour. "I've used up my fainting quota. Your turn was a long time coming." He glanced back in the distance where Jacob and Paul were sleeping. "Since you're not feeling well, we'll have to stay with the humans a little longer."

Something about the way he said 'humans' rubbed her the wrong way. As though they hadn't spent the afternoon getting to know Jacob and Paul, however superficially. Issa had found herself surprisingly enjoying their company.

"I guess." They were also going to Albania and Issa really hoped to run into Alice there.

Alice…

His wings.

If she'd seen everything he did, then he'd seen everything she did too. The silence between them grew heavy, the events of the void no doubt replaying in both their minds.

"So," she said flippantly. "We've literally seen each other's worst days." Not that hers came anything close to his.

"Your worst day wasn't even about you," Edvardiel said.

They weren't here to talk about her. "Your wings," she said. She could hardly bring herself to look at him, let alone say it. "What are you going to do if we find your wings?" she asked instead. "It's not like you can glue them back on."

"No, but you can fly and the wings can guide us to Heaven."

"And then what?"

"I already told you. We're going to ask for help."

"From whom? Those arch-assholes? If it's them, you can forget it," Issa felt her temper flare. "I'd sooner help Lilith kill them."

Edvardiel ran a hand through his hair—Issa realised he did that whenever he was agitated. "You don't understand."

"What don't I understand?"

"I… I failed their test," he said. "I wasn't supposed to kill Lucifer."

Issa didn't follow. "The king of angels told you to do it."

"That doesn't mean anything. If the king of angels told you to kill your friend, would you? If he told you to help Lilith with the Apocalypse, would you?"

"If I'd been trapped in Heaven's prison my whole life and he promised me a reward, yeah, I probably would," she said defiantly.

"But don't you see? All the more I should've refused," Edvardiel said. "I fell because of greed."

What kind of mindfuckery was that?

Issa grabbed him by the shoulders. "Edvardiel," she said. "You did not fall because of greed. You fell because Michael wanted you to fall. If you'd refused him, he'd have made up another reason to throw you out. Insubordination, disobedience, some shit like that."

Edvardiel shook his head. "No. He's not like that."

"He is."

"You talk as if you know him."

Because she did. She didn't know from where, she didn't know how, but she knew him. Something in her blood resonated with his very presence.

"And you know him so well?" she challenged. "He betrayed you."

Edvardiel clenched his fists. "You don't understand how Heaven works. I don't belong there but they took me in anyway. They gave me a chance. A test. And I messed up."

Issa was floored.

"No. No, no, no. Just no, Edvardiel," she said. "How can you believe that?"

"There's no other explanation."

"Seriously?" she burst out angrily. "How can you be so blind? Michael is afraid of you."

"That's ridiculous."

"He is," Issa said. "He's so afraid of you, he sent you to kill Lucifer to weaken you and then he ambushed you three-on-one. If that doesn't scream coward, I don't know what does!"

"He could've killed me," Edvardiel said, sounding dejected. "If he was so afraid of me, why didn't he just kill me?"

"He might as well have," she said. "It's a miracle you survived. He's not someone we can trust." Her instincts had never been wrong.

Edvardiel shook his head again. "We don't have a choice if we want to stop the Apocalypse. We have to try. I have to try. So please, won't you tell me where my wings are?"

There it was. The moment she was dreading.

Issa covered her face. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because, Edvardiel, your wings are gone!"

He froze. "What do you mean, my wings are gone?"

"He destroyed it," Issa whispered. "Michael destroyed your wings."

Ice shot through their bond.

"No," Edvardiel said slowly. "No. Maybe you saw it wrong. You said the void was broken. Maybe it altered my memories."

Issa stayed silent. She felt his despair. She knew he knew that she was right. It made no sense to give fallen angels a key to Heaven.

"I'm sorry, Edvardiel," she said. "I really am." She was sorry for so many things. She was still leaning against him for support, her body consuming his limited glory, their bond an invasion of his emotions. She was incapable of giving him something as little as space to grief.

He led her back to the truck, his expression unreadable despite the turmoil she felt in their bond. She thought he'd leave after helping her back into the back of the truck but he laid down next to her, staring off into the darkness.

Issa reached for his hand. "Edvardiel."

He turned.

"I can still fly," she said. "If you want, we can look for Heaven's gates and keep banging on them until someone opens them."

Edvardiel looked at her with a lost expression.

She squeezed his hand. "I'm dead serious." It was a stupid idea but she had nothing better to offer.

"I'm never going to fly again," he said softly.

"You can use me," she said lamely. She never thought she'd say that to a Keeper. "To fly, I mean."

He squeezed her hand back. "Don't think I don't know how much it means for your to say that," he said. "So thank you, but no." He drew a breath. "It's time for me to accept that I don't belong in Heaven. I never will."

"Fuck Heaven," Issa said before she could stop herself. "They're a bunch of flying assholes. They probably won't help us anyway."

"Maybe not, but what are we going to do, Issa?" he asked. "Neither of us has enough power to defeat Lilith."

"You said I was an amplifier. That I can generate the same amount of glory as Michael. Do you think I could do it? If you… if you use me right?" she asked.

"What is it with you and suicide missions?" Edvardiel murmured. His expression turned pensive. "But it might be our only chance."