I practice with the bo for hours on end, waiting for Iroh to come give me the signal or come relieve me. I wind myself up with my anxiety, convinced the Zuko has capsized, that Zuko has drowned. I fight invisible enemies that are there to kill me, protecting Zuko, Iroh.
I question my final discussion with Zuko. Should I have kept the oasis hidden from him? It is a spiritual place, and Zuko falls far from the spiritual tree. I see the fish twisting and turning, pushing and pulling, and I ride my anxiety until Iroh opens the door. I have him cornered, the bo against his throat.
"Zia," he says, aware of my anxiety.
His voice takes me down, shows me the worry I have created in my own mind. I quickly take away the bo, and he pries my fingers from it. "Have you not rested this whole time? Come, lay down. We have a big day ahead of us, and you fighting in here is not the right thing. Come."
Iroh takes my hands and leads me under the covers. I am exhausted, sure, but Zuko, Zuko, Zuko, is all I can think about.
"It is nearly daybreak. I will be back soon to let you know of our landfall. Please, rest until then." I listen to him, laying down to rest. I fall into a fitful sleep, waking in anxiety and sweat. At some point, I stay awake.
Shortly after, Iroh tells me we have landed and started the siege. I am to go to the food storage and steal and then make my way to Agna Qel'a, quietly and without notice. I take the pack I have hidden underneath the bed and dress in my warm clothes. I am still wound up, but, as hoped, Iroh has pointed me in the right direction.
Is that what Aang is for Zuko? A place to point his worries and anxieties?
Regardless, I must keep going. Bo in hand, I grab as much dried food as possible. There isn't a great amount of food inventory, and I know Zhao thinks this will be a short siege. Otherwise, he is ill prepared to feed his fleet.
Because of this, I am convinced he will try killing a spirit tonight. Will Zuko know what he sees in that oasis? Or will he only have eyes for Aang?
Part of me hopes Zuko fails, but I imagine the wrath and pain that Zuko will feel upon having failed again, so I push those hopes down.
Taking food is easy, and so is getting off the ship. It looks like Iroh and Zhao have already left. I see the large komodo rhino footprints. I follow them part way - the Fire Navy has made good headway. When the footprints enter the city proper, I take the side streets, away from fighting and fire. The city, even under siege, is beautiful. I wonder if I can find my way back to the oasis myself? What can I even do to help a city against the siege?
Am I not dressed as the enemy?
Oh, spirits, I think. I'm in Fire Nation red in a city meant for blue. I stick out like a sore thumb. I duck into an alley, a small stream of water heading into the canal at my feet. If the Fire Nation finds me, they will assume I am one of them. If the Water Tribe finds me, I will be captured or killed.
I would rather be seen as a Water Tribe out against curfew than a Fire Nation person deserting. I move back toward what used to be a main avenue, windows all frosted up, doors iced over. I need clothes, at least a Water Tribe cloak to cover my red clothes.
Luckily, the signs are still hanging over the doors, so I make my way into a clothing store. The door is iced over, and I can't chip through it with my bo. Instead, I turn my attention toward the window and use all my strength to make a whole small enough for myself. I can still hear the fighting, the rocks getting thrown at the Water Tribe. The thought of getting caught gives me strength and I climb through quickly.
Inside is dark, only a small amount of light pouring through the hole and some showing through the frosted glass. I make my way through by feel, looking for something long and heavy. Finding what I'm looking for, I make my way toward the back, hoping for a back door. I find one, and it isn't frozen over!
Slipping into the alley behind the shop, I feel incredibly more comfortable sticking to the back streets. Winding my way up and up, knowing that I am headed more north than we already are, the oasis calls for me, pulling me toward it. Knowing that I was once a part of it, through spiritual connection, knowing that I am not lost.
Nobody is ever lost.
I am just on a separate path.
In the darkness, my dark blue cloak blends into the shadows. I see flames to my right and steer clear of them. It would be bad if I ran into a Fire Navy soldier, though I am no longer helpless. I clench the bo harder, reassured by its presence like my staff used to. I miss flying, but fighting feels familiar.
There are many hidden entrances into the oasis. It is a secret place, and it is sacred. I do not take the main entrance, by way of the palace and a small, wooden door. Instead, I keep the palace to my right, climbing into a round water pipe, used to divert water in cases of overages.
It is not as quiet as I had anticipated, so Zhao has progressed well into the night, despite the waterbenders advantage of the moon.
I climb through the pipe, taking a right where it splits. I must head north, until it splits right one last time. When I get there, I climb down. There are ice paths on either end of the oasis. I sneak up toward the oasis, torii gate looming over the pool.
I am too late.
There are already Fire Navy soldiers here.
The sky goes red.
Red.
Red.
The Moon Spirit is dying.
Zhao is shouting, but I can't here. I run forward. A sky bison lands, hard, next to the pool. There is a stand off, and I am just close enough to see Iroh. He told me he would help, he would stop Zhao.
I am too far away to help, but I see Zhao drop the spirit into the pool. The sky returns to normal, and I halt running, relieved. Then he does the unthinkable. He shoots a column of flame at the pond, killing the Moon spirit.
The world turns gray. Ashen.
I scream, "NO!" though I am not the only one shaken by what has just occurred. Iroh immediately starts punching and kicking flames, attacking Zhao. I continue running, seeing Zhao run away. From afar, it almost looks like he is stricken with what he has done.
I follow Zhao, close behind him. I catch up to him on a bridge, and there is blue tinting the air. I swipe at his feet, knocking him down.
"What have you done?!" I yell. There is a crashing in my ears. "Do you know what you have done? The destruction to the Spirit Realm, to ours?"
He shakes his head, and he doesn't recognize me in my rage. I swipe down at him with my bo, but he rolls away, out of breath. "I - I didn't think-"
"You never think! You killed a whole nation and you still. Don't. Think." I punctuate each word with a jab at him, forgetting my training. My rage grabs at my brain and my hands. At my heart.
"Zia, get back!" a voice yells from behind. A punch of fire brushes past me, and I know Zuko is alive alive alive. It blasts Zhao down to a fountained area.
Zhao is as surprised as me, because he says, "You're alive?!"
Zuko pushes past me, nearly knocking me down. "You tried to have me killed!"
"Yes, I did. You're the Blue Spirit, an enemy of the Fire Nation! You freed the Avatar." Zhao scrambles up, but I only have eyes for Zuko.
The night with the toad comes crashing into me. I know Zhao claimed Zuko was the Blue Spirit before, but he had brushed it off at the time, telling me he was trying to protect me from becoming a sex slave under Zhao. But it comes fully back into me in my rage.
It was Zuko, with a bruise across one eye, that had held me down, had kept me from clawing my own eyes out. It was Zuko, always, giving me the toad to keep me from hallucinating further.
It was always Zuko.
And he freed Aang?!
I miss part of the argument, because suddenly they are fighting, punching and grunting, shooting flames everywhere. I want to support Zuko in this argument, but I let him take Zhao's punches, circling into his weak zones, punching and kicking where Zhao least expects it. He is taking the path of least resistance.
During the fight, the sky slowly returns to normal. Somehow, the Moon Spirit has returned.
I follow Zuko at a distance. They are at a bridge, and Zuko has blasted Zhao onto the ground, where he sees the full moon. "It can't be!" All his hard work was repaired in less than a night.
A blue slime comes from the water, interrupting my thoughts. Zuko rolls back to me, out of the way, but Zhao is not so quick. It grabs him and starts dragging him into the water.
Zuko and I act at once, reaching out our hands to Zhao. "Take my hand!" Zuko yells.
I would have killed Zhao earlier. He had killed the Moon Spirit. In that moment, with my rage, I felt that he had deserved to die. No longer.
The look on his face, with death dragging him down, is one of regret at fear. But he does not take either of our hands. Zhao is dragged down, and Zuko and I watch him sink below the surface of the canal.
Zuko stares for a long time at the spot Zhao disappeared. I place my hand on his arm, reminding him of my presence. "Zuko, we should find Iroh. I think the siege is over."
He follows my lead quietly, but I keep the hod on his arm, comforted by his warmth. As Iroh suggested earlier, I find him at a small wharf. He has already claimed a small Water Tribe boat by the looks of it. By the time we approach, he has mostly untied it from the canal. "Figured you two would find each other first," he says. "Board quickly, we must leave before the Water Tribe takes notice."
We push off with a long oar, using the pole to push our way out of the canal and into open waters. At open water, Iroh begins to let a sail catch wind. It is here that he breaks the silence that Zuko and I have created. "I'm surprised, Prince Zuko, surprised that you are not, at this moment, trying to capture the Avatar."
"I'm tired," Zuko says. Iroh hands me the sail's rope and moves over to Zuko, putting his arm on his shoulder, easing him to the floor.
"Then you should rest. A man needs his rest."
In the silence that follows, I sit with Iroh at the other edge, telling him of my anger. Of my thought to kill Zhao. I am quiet, whispering, ashamed. The wind takes us south, and Iroh and I begin to unpack my emotions, my blocked chakras. Within the advice of Iroh, I begin to unwind.