Hello! This marks the first chapter of "Book Two" which is called Not So Alone Anymore! I hope you enjoy.
We spend about three weeks on the small boat, jostled between waves and living on the meager amount of food I was able to steal. Once the food runs out, we live on fish that Iroh has caught and that Zuko fries to an almost burnt crisp. It was difficult, but I have given up being a vegetarian for the time being. It was the only way to survive, and sea kelp was few and far between.
Iroh and I unwind my anxieties and inner turmoils. We work our way down my body, searching for what could be blocking my chi. I do not mention the kiss Zuko gave me before he captured Aang to either of them. Zuko goes back to ignoring me, and I go back to wondering if everything I am doing is somehow wrong.
Some of my chakras are more difficult to release than others. Because of this, my frustration grows and I end up abandoning them at times, much to Iroh's dismay. He believes my airbending is simply blocked, hidden by my fears, my shame, my guilt. But it is so hard for me to tell Iroh that I feel guilty that I've taught Zuko ways to best Aang. That I am ashamed that I cannot airbending, that I have forsaken the Air Nomad ways. That I am afraid of my future, of what traveling with Zuko and Iroh will mean to me. That I will go live in the Fire Nation once all this is over. That I will pretend to be something I am not. That my life is a thinly veiled illusion of forgiveness.
I grapple with these thoughts constantly, unable to sleep. Multiple times, adrift in the everlasting sea, Zuko and I sit in silence, both awake for various reasons. I sit next to him, so close that I feel the heat off his skin, and I think about his kiss. What did it mean to him? What do I mean to him?
I dare not voice these thoughts. I am never too certain of Iroh's state of awakeness.
Finally, with the third week looming so far ahead of us, sunburnt and dehydrated, we see land. It is far away, but we are headed directly toward it with the help of our one oar. As we near, I see a waterfall breaking apart a cliff. A large building holding itself upright, proud, over the raging waters. There are cherry trees everywhere. The blossoms stand bright against the red of the roofs.
When we get close enough to land, I use the pole to push against the sand, to bring us closer to the shore. Zuko is using the oar. I am struck, in my exhaustion, by how utterly beautiful this is.
"It's a resort! A spa resort," Iroh tells us. "That must be the Su Oku River. We're on the western edge of the Earth Kingdom, I think. Near the colonies."
"Colonies?" I ask, struck by the ease Iroh suddenly feels.
"Yes. When the Fire Nation invaded the Earth Kingdom, it took some of the towns and villages as colonies for the Fire Nation people. Some are better than others. This must be used as a retreat for more of the richer people."
I have a sick feeling in my stomach, but I cannot place it. When we reach land, we clamber onto the beach. There are shells everywhere, beautiful and varying in colors. Everything here is beautiful, but it feels tailored to be that way. Beautiful for a retreat. But not viable for a village, a farm, a home.
We climb a long set of stairs set into the cliff face. Chiseled right out of the rock. It is a long climb, and all three of us are out of breath by the time we reach the top. Being on a small boat for three weeks puts a toll on the body.
Zuko and Iroh are recognized almost immediately as royalty. We are practically swept off our feet, fed fruits, water, bread, nuts. We are shown to the bathhouse immediately, where we all take long, warm baths. Afterwards, our clothes have been replaced by robes. A gray robe with red accents and tie. I hope our clothes are simply being washed, as I would feel uncomfortable wearing only a robe and underclothes.
After the bath, I find Iroh being rubbed down by a masseuse. Zuko is sulking next to the entrance, and I want to ask what's wrong, but another masseuse beacons me to a low lying table. I take off my robe, careful to angle myself away from Zuko. My body aches from the long weeks of not moving, not practicing. The massage feels amazing, and I nearly fall asleep.
Iroh is the first to speak. "This is what I've been missing. Who knew floating on a piece of driftwood for three weeks with no food or water, and sea vultures waiting to pluck out your liver could make one so tense?"
"It was the cramped space for me. I could barely move without bumping one of you two into the ocean," I say. But Iroh and Zuko are both silent. Iroh has stood up, moving over to Zuko. I sit up, gathering the robe around me. This is a moment I feel like I am a prying eye.
"I see. It's the anniversary, isn't it?"
Anniversary? I stand up, moving closer to listen more clearly, and add my support to Iroh if needed.
"Three years ago today, I was banished. I lost it all," Zuko says. He looks up, and his eyes are sharp, angry. "I want it back. I want the Avatar, I want my honor, my throne. I want my father not to think I'm worthless."
Oh, so we were facing very similar thoughts on the boat. Two silent people, spiraling into their own thoughts.
"I'm sure he doesn't. Why would he banish you if he didn't care?" Zuko stands up, clearly hearing the wrong thing. He starts to walk away. "Uh, that came out wrong, didn't it?"
"It's okay, Iroh, I'll see if I can help ease the situation," I say, moving forward. I jog after Zuko, who has already made a considerable way toward our cottage.
When I get close enough to him, I lightly touch his shoulder. He pulls away, aggressive. "Iroh didn't mean it like that. I think-"
"I don't care what you think!" His outburst is loud. The birds on the trees closest to us scatter. I step back, agape. "What you taught me wasn't enough to catch the Avatar! At the North Pole, all it did was get Zhao killed!"
The words cut deep, hitting on my own negative thoughts about myself. "Zuko, I don't know what happened at the North Pole, but it isn't your fault. Zhao chose his death."
"Yes, it is! I wasn't strong enough, or smart enough, or quick enough to bring the Avatar home."
"If you had brought the Avatar home, the moon would still be dead," I say, speaking the truth. It was Aang's actions as that giant blue spirit thing that saved the moon, I am sure of it. "And balance would be wrong. You would have a throne, but a throne to a broken world. That's not what you want, is it?"
His gaze cuts to me, quick and like a dagger. I feel a pang deep in my chest. Quietly, Zuko says, "I don't know what I want anymore."
"Oh," is all I can say. "I'm sorry." After a long silence, I ask, "Did you want to practice some more? I have the bo now, so I can be more of a challenge for you, since Aang's got his staff and everything." I'm rambling, trying to find a way to help, a route to goodness, or, at least, distraction.
"No, I want to be alone. Leave me alone." Zuko stalks away, and I am left in dumbfoundedness in the middle of the walkway. Eventually, I make my way back to Iroh, and I just shake my head.
Later, when Zuko is ready to train, I will ask about firebending. Something he's good at, to get his mind away from all the bad. Later, I will think about the kiss he gave me, but not say anything. Later, I will find the source of my chakra blockage, and free it.
Some of these items are a little further off than others.
We spend only a few days in blissful luxury. Zuko continues to avoid Iroh and I, but the two of us spend a considerable amount of time in saunas, hot springs, massage tables. Early in the day, Iroh and I take a walk around the beach, collecting shells and talking idly. Abruptly, Iroh says, "Where do you want to end up?"
The question shocks me, and I stop walking. I've only recently thought about it, and I share this with Iroh. "I guess, I've never really cared where I end up. The nomad way, huh?" I laugh, but there is no humor within me. "I can go back to traveling, when you and Zuko return to the Fire Nation. I'm quite happy here, though the thought of living in a colony somewhat turns my stomach. Travel would be harder than I am used to - no sky bison to fly me around, no airbending to help." I pause for a long time, eyes gazing past the horizon for some help toward my future.
"I can go back with you two, can't I?" I ask. I look over at Iroh, and he is deep in thought too.
"Would that be something you're comfortable with, knowing my brother continues to plot the downfall of other nations?"
"Oh. In my mind, I had imagined Zuko to be the Fire Lord. That it would be different. That he would be different."
Iroh is quiet. "I hope so too." We resume our walk, silence a comfort between us. I am deep within my own thoughts when we return. It is almost dinner, and my stomach rumbles at the thought of fresh fruits and vegetables, of the warm rice, of the - there's someone in our cottage.
I had ignored Zuko and Iroh's conversation upon our return, but there is a girl in our cottage.
A Fire Nation girl. She wears Fire Nation armor, all reds and blacks. Her hair is framing her face. Her eyes show venom, hatred, deceit.
"Hello, brother. Uncle. Companion." I have not moved from my position at the door.
"What are you doing here?" Zuko asks. He knows this girl?
"In my country, we exchange a pleasant hello before asking questions." She is toying with a shell from one of Iroh's previous walks, near the window. "Have you become uncivilized so soon, Zuzu?" She stands up and walks toward Iroh and Zuko, and I finally make my move. I grab my bo that is leaning against the wall near the door and step up next to them. She eyes me appraisingly, but does not question me.
"Don't call me that!"
Iroh is always the calm one. "To what do we owe this honor?"
"Hmm. . . must be a family trait. Both of you so quick to get to the point." She crushes the shell in her fingers. I stand ready, waiting for Iroh or Zuko to make a movie. "I've come with a message from home. Father's changed his mind. Family is suddenly very important to him. He's heard rumors of plans to overthrow him; treacherous plots. Family are the only ones you can really trust." She is silent for a beat, waiting for the show to drop. "Father regrets your banishment. He wants you home." Nobody speaks.
"Did you hear me? You should be happy. Excited. Grateful. I just gave you great news."
Then, why is nobody jumping for joy? Why is it that the air is so thick with tension?
"I'm sure your brother simply needs a moment-" Iroh starts.
Brother? They're siblings? I always assumed Zuko to be an only child, but that doesn't line up with the thought of banishment.
Zuko's sister yells, "Don't interrupt, Uncle!" She turns back to Zuko, who has a complicated look on his face. "I still haven't heard my thank you. I'm not a messenger. I didn't have to come all this way."
So why did you? I think.
"Father regrets? He. . . wants me back?" Zuko is surprised, I realize. That is the complicated look on his face. Just a few days ago he observed his banishment anniversary like it was his funeral.
"I can see you need time to take this in. I'll come to call on you tomorrow. Good evening." She walks away without a glance, and I am left feeling like she just dismissed us from the room.
Zuko moves to the nearest seat and sits down, clearly overwhelmed by the offer. I lean my weapon back against the wall, watching the retreating form of Zuko's sister. I am left not feeling joyous, but with dread wedged somewhere within my heart.
Iroh turns toward me, saying, "That was my niece, Azula!" He does not hold any of the excitement in his eyes, however. In fact, there is a question on Iroh's lips that he does not question.
To break the tension, I ask, "Should we get ready for dinner?"