"Where have you been?"
Derek would never again tell one of Ellis Grey's daughters that they resembled her—particularly while said daughter yelled at him—but it was his immediate thought.
A chip of Ellis's ice was visible in Maggie. Ellis's hardness rarely came naturally to her. Even the stare: her eyes didn't freeze. They burned. She yelled on the defensive; Maggie was used to getting her way. Meredith was verbose when she let go; Maggie pulled back. He was used to waiting Meredith out, but he wasn't sure if Maggie had anything further to add. The longer he didn't say anything, the thinner her lips became.
"We had an er—" he finally started, ready to shut up if she cut in.
"Aunt Maggie!" Zola hopped out of the car. She'd mastered her carseat straps while he'd been gone. "Is my mommy downstairs?'
"She is, sugarplum."
Derek winced. He didn't like the emphasis in Maggie's voice. Zola ran for the house. They'd originally planned to send the kids to Karev's, for President's Day, since multiple home health representatives would still be parading by the house. Now, he knew that wouldn't be happening. Getting her out of the door had been such a battle of wills that he'd never been happier that the week would start with a federal holiday.
He got Bailey out of his seat and looped the bags he'd loaded in under the baby's feet over his arm. "I had to pick up the fish. Amelia's here. Did something happen?"
"Did something…?" Maggie muttered. "Give me that baby." She tossed her phone at him in trade. He snagged it before glass hit gravel.
BPA ALUM ATTACKER EXTRADITED TO KING COUNTY.
He almost slammed the phone down himself. "Goddamnit."
"How do you not have a GoogleAlert set up for this?"
"I do!" he insisted. (It was charming that she did, too.) He jerked open the passenger door and grabbed his phone from the cupholder. The factory-set wallpaper lit up. "Government phone."
"Daddy eedyot," Bailey informed Maggie.
"Oh, you are your mother's child aren't you?"
"His mother hasn't heard him say that yet," Derek said, unable to keep a pleading note from his voice. "Has she seen this?"
"Not that I know of…." Maggie put Bailey down and aimed him for the porch. He grabbed onto the porch railings hand-over-hand as he climbed. He wasn't much more skilled at it than Meredith was, currently. "I was still getting out the hide-a-key when I heard her, so… I went straiht upstairs. The trail of clothes led to the closet. She nearly took me out with one of the shoes she was throwing to get Amelia's attention."
"Let me guess, she decided to get dressed for tonight?"
"Basically? Sunk/cost fallacy. She needed the bathroom; her closet's right there. Fist issue was throwing her clothes into the bedroom. Shirt went long. Pants hit the fireplace. So, she stayed there, got the brace and sling off, but I guess she's only been practicing with t-shirts? We got her up, dressed, and medicated."
"Thanks. I know she's not always…pleasant by the time she starts throwing things."
Maggie's expression softened. "Me finding her in that situation isn't optimal, I get that.. She said she wanted to save you this one thing, and since she did, technically…. I can show her the update, if you want. I wanted to give her that time."
"Thank you." Derek sighed. "Why didn't Amelia hear the shoes?" He didn't wonder why Mer hadn't buzzed her to help her to the bathroom.
"She was right behind me."
Sure, but how many thumps between Maggie opening the hide-a-key, and that? How long had she been going before Maggie heard?
"Maybe the scans I found her pouring over? She felt bad. She's up there picking up."
"I'm going to put those in the safe." He pinched the bridge of his nose. If he found out Meredith had tried the bell, and Amelia hadn't heard it, he…, Hadn't he gotten sucked into planning lectures? He should've suggested she rehearse it for Meredith. "You examine her leg?"
"No palpable damage, and no edema. She came downstairs on her butt; nothing unusual about her gait beyond what I've noticed at the hospital. Is Torres coming?"
"On-call. PT starts tomorrow. I'll check it out. It's my fault. I said fifteen minutes; there was a line and a diaper blowout." He closed the car doors. "Think I could get away with telling her tomorrow?"
"Depends, you think there's a chance in hell no one will mention it?"
"I do, until she's had enough of them looking at her sideways and demands to know what's going on."
"That's exactly what it's like whenever someone mentions something I wasn't AROUND for."
"There are a lot of things we don't talk about . Did anyone tell you that tonight is…would be…Lexie's birthday?"
"Meredith, while I was fixing her hair."
"Oh. Good."
"You're surprised?"
He shrugged, pausing on the porch. "I think she worried that you'd be—not jealous, exactly….Lexie lived with us off and on. She was with us when Zola came home. They didn't grow up together, but…they did. I think she's afraid you'll resent that."
"That's stupid. I didn't really know about her until someone mentioned Meredith not being hurt in the plane crash when her sister died." Derek held back a frown. Meredith really had a point; they didn't talk about Lexie. Had Maggie thought the hospital had Ellis's name, or that it was coincidence? "I put off introducing myself, because, in her eyes, I took her best friend's job. I don't expect us to be besties. I did go off on her after that dinner you sexiled me from, but it's not like I've missed that she's had shit going on. I'm used to not making friends fast. And I'm young. It's obnoxious."
Derek laughed. "If you know about Sadie, you're about on track with Lexie, the first year, I think." Sadie had been their intern on the serial killer case, and that had been Valentine's Day. Dunn hadn't come up in the journal. Had Mer not thought of him beyond the lemons thing? That seemed impossible. He had, and he'd only spent a long drive listening to her stifling sobs, making sure there were breaths between them. God. Had she been afraid of hyperventilating around him again? Or had it not resurfaced until he'd started treating her the way Ellis had said he would?
"Uh, Derek?" Maggie ventured. "Rough night?"
"That obvious?" He ran a hand over his face. "Been a few. Zola always comes in a few hours after bedtime. That's our fault, and now isn't the time to stop indulging her. Honestly, I'm surprised that she's falling asleep in her bed first. But...we've always put her between us. Mer's casts are on the outside, but she's still scared she'll hit her, or just scare her. Zola cannot possibly fall asleep on my side with Mommy home." No blame there; he want to take his eyes off her, either. Waiting for Zola to fall asleep and moving he hadn't worked since she was small enough for a pack-n-play. It'd taken three tries to get her sleeping on his right. The initial grogginess caused by Mer's meds had long worn off. "Meanwhile, Amelia's up at all hours calling specialists in Singapore, and Bailey woke up at five. because he's decided all on his own that he's going to get mama milk twice a day."
"Only twice?"
"Theory is he was on the dawn and dusk schedule for so long he thinks he can't nurse with the sun all the way up."
"Aw. For what it's worth," she added. "She was understandably shaken when I got here, but she already seems better. Overall."
"Glad I'm not just seeing things, because I wanted her here." He finally made himself open the door. The front room was empty. Maggie took the bags from him, and he turned to the playroom.
Bailey had recently gotten big enough to ride the FAO Schwartz rocking-horse his mother sent them for Zola's first Christmas, as she'd done for his sisters' eldests. Zola was "helping" him; chanting, "Ride a horsey down to town, watch out Bay-Bay's gonna fall doooown." She tipped the rocking horse back, and turned to Meredith as soon as she set the casters down. Bailey laughed uproariously, but Zola's smile came with Meredith's thumbs up.
How had he given this up for prestige? For ego? The research mattered, but he didn't need to be the one doing it. If it'd been about impacting lives, he might've realized that had seen through him. She'd seen that it wasn't worth upending this and kept them from tipping too far.
She noticed him as Zola started her rhyme up again, and gave him a chagrined smile. God, she was adorable. It was a shame that playing it up hadn't benefited her as a kid; it would've been something she did more often. He'd be screwed, but he couldn't deny her for long, anyway.
She was right about the way he'd pushed her last year. He'd exaggerated everything about her that he didn't understand, or that she disliked about herself. She'd seen through most of that, too. Then, she'd literally had the confidence shaken out of her.
"Hey, beautiful." Her eyes were so bright. He didn't want to do anything that changed that. He crouched by the couch. When he kissed her, she covered his lips with hers, surprising him, since she'd refused to part them for the past month.
He ran a hand over her hair, which was brushed to a shine. She had on slacks rolled up over her brace and a light, plaid button up, and one of their sisters had helped her with her makup. He was right that the brown suited her weekend clothes, but her smile was what suited her the most. It grew when she glanced over his shoulder to watch Zola tipping Bailey backward again.
MAGGIE TATTLED, HUH?
"Half-an-hour and you get into trouble." Meredith put a finger up and then waved it like she was swatting a bug. "An hour," he corrected. "Mer..."
She signed, "no," snapping her fingers in his face. There was an undercurrent of playfulness to it, and she'd had a good morning, but Meredith went up after she'd been down. He'd missed the low. He hoped this wouldn't cause another one.
"There's something I need to tell you. Can we go to the study?" Her eyebrows drew together, but she reached for her crutch. He picked her up instead. She rolled her eyes, but settled easily into his arms.
"Where are you taking my momma?"
"We'll be back in a second, Zo-Zo."
"I'll come. I have to carry the write board."
"She has it, baby," Derek said, as Meredith held it up. "You take it when she doesn't have a free hand."
"But…but…. Her 'raser! I'll bring that."
Meredith lips twisted, partially amusement, but also a grimace. He was pretty sure that Zola would be equally clingy if she'd been visiting Meredith for weeks.
"You are so thoughtful," Maggie said, coming in from the kitchen. "Have you been a big help for Mom and Dad today?" Zola nodded enthusiastically, the red, pink, and white beads he'd put into her hair Thursday night making her braids bob. "Since they've got stuff covered right now, can you help me set the table? We have eiiiight grown-ups?" She looked to Derek who nodded. "And two kids."
"Three!" Zola countered. "Sofi is on an Auntie Zona day!" Hopefully that excitement would last. Sofia was not the novelty that Momma was.
Meredith poked the back of his neck. Right. "Seven adult place-settings. Three kids. Can you help Aunt Maggie count out seven plates, and the silverware and napkins?"
"I guess." Zola's finger tapped against her mouth.
Meredith pressed her forehead against his shoulder, and he felt her huff of laughter. Then she lifted her head, and signed, "Please?"
Zola signed "okay," and then said, "Come on, Bailey. You can practice with the magnet letters."
"Not bossy at all," Derek murmured. Meredith shrugged, and gestured toward the empty playroom. "She is effective, it's true."
In the study, he put her down on the leather chair in the corner, which was her favorite for sitting out of the way and monitoring what was happening while people were over. He sat on the ottoman, lifting her legs onto her lap.
NO SWELLING
"I see. You got lucky."
"I know."
"You can't put weight on that leg without the brace."
"I know."
"Callie will flay both of us."
I KNOW
IT JUST HAPPENED.
IF I HADN'T ALREADY
She lowered the marker, and the way she raised her eyes surprised him. The plea in them was something she'd usually reveal in snatched glances.
"Those old pajama pants were pretty loose on you. I need to do laundry. Did they fall past the brace?"
She nodded, bending her good leg up to her chest, and he remembered she hadn't had anything on under them; the idea had been that she could get them down easily on her took her hand lightly, leaving the marker resting between their fingers.
"I can see why you'd decide to change from there. Hamper was in the closet. You... use your crutch? Drag the pants over?" She nodded. "And while you were there, you—"
The doorbell sang out through the house. Meredith tried to move, but he held onto her. "They all know each other. They won't starve. Stay here with me."
She relaxed, slightly, but he could tell her ears were perked to hear the door opened and Amelia greeting Arizona and Herman. They both smiled at Zola's happy shout of "SOFI!"
"Separated for twenty-four whole hours," Derek commented dryly. Meredith's smile faded a little. He could almost read twenty-three days in her eyes. "Arizona and Nicole drove here together. She has Sofia, so she wasn't at the hospital. Is that a…thing?"
Meredith swiped her hand over the board and wrote furiously, cramming letters in:
1. I DON'T KNOW N'S SEXUALITY
2. STAID OLDER WOMAN/YOUNG LESBIAN IS A CLICHE
3. N CAN BE GAYER THAN A RAINBOW & JUST BE A'S MENTOR
4. SYMPTOMS+DRIVING=BAD
5. IS THIS A NICHOLAS SPARKS BOOK?
6. I HAVE NO IDEA & IT'S KILLING ME
"There it is. Want me to pry? Amelia probably knows."
IF U WANT 2 B A GOSSIP
He shook his head, and her smile was a copy of the one she'd had in the living room. That was a good sign. He took her hand again. "Okay. You got your pajamas off…To put in the hamper?"
She nodded, and he noticed her left hand moving. Had the fox been in her sling this morning? He wasn't sure. That she might have risked Maggie seeing it was telling.
I JUST WANTED TO F-ING GET DRESSED B/
FELT SO EXPOSED. KEPT THINKING
IF SOMEONE CAME IN.
CRAZY. IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
FINALLY GOT THE SHIRT ON. CLDNT BUTTON IT.
UNDERWEAR TSHIRTS PJS SWEATS IN THE BEDROOM
FROZE
CLDN'T MOVE.
CLDN'T THINK.
HATE IT. NEVER CARED BEFORE
"I know. Did Maggie help you get it buttoned?"
U CAN SAY SHE DID IT. NOT ZO
"And how was that?"
NOT BAD. DESPERATE
"Having her check your incision was bad. I call this progress."
I CALL U RIDICULOUS
"All the time, yeah. You got lucky," he repeated. "You're more capable every day, but just because—even though you're nome…" He paused. If she could've; she would've been gnawing her lower lip. It was there in the rigidity of her grip, and her avoidant gaze. It wasn't just the clothes. "You got Amy's attention. Thank you for not just waiting for me to get back."
She shrugged. More chagrin
The doorbell rang again.
"Mer… I didn't bring you back here just to talk about that. It was more important, and I'm glad you told me and will tell Dr. Wyatt tomorrow."
SMOOTH
"I thought so. The thing is, the sc—"
She held her hand up. "Your phone. Where?"
"In the bedroom, I assume?"
GIVE THE MAN A PRIZE.
DET MOORE TXT 5MINS IN
"You could—oh," he murmured against her lips as she kissed him.
IT WASN'T ABT THAT
IT'S NOT HIM.
SPECIFICALLY. I DON'T THINK.
I KNOW HE'S LOCKED UP & HE GOT WHAT HE--
MOST OF WHAT HE WANTED
IT'S MORE GENERAL.
I HATE HIM
I HATE THAT I HATE HIM
I HATE BEING LIKE THIS
"Okay. One, you can hate him. I know it's not your nature, but you can. Maybe it gives him more power than you want, but this was powerful. I think it's better if you admit that, rather than pretend you can shrug any of it off. Two, you had your clothes cut off right after, and we know you were aware, because of the other things you remember. That stayed out of your hands for weeks. You're a doctor, you understand it all; but you didn't get to consent. Even when you went into the water, you woke up in the ICU covered in blankets. Three, I know this isn't comparable to a fraction of what you're going through, but after the sho—the first shooting. My dad.—I picked them out in six packs, but even before they were arrested, I didn't look for their faces on the streets. Dreamed about them, but in real life, they weren't what I was afraid of."
GUNS
"Yeah. Kath would say there were always nutjobs, whether or not they had guns. I've never experienced the kind of fear my sisters, or anyone who's not a white guy, feels on the streets now, let alone in 1978 Manhattan. I admire the way they seemed to paint on confidence with their lipstick, but… they weren't there, and thank God, nothing violent had happened to them. I don't think it ever has. It's possible I don't know. But I don't think you can't know how you'll react until it happens. It took me a long time to stop expecting anyone who raised their voice to pull out a pistol."
BUT YOU DID & IT HAPPENED AGAIN
"And I was scared afterward."
She raised her eyebrows.
"What I realized after Dad died was that other people aren't under our control. That's what makes the world interesting, but also be terrifying. People with guns, the man who hurt you, they can't accept it. That's the only wrong way to react to pain, trying to take someone's control. I've done it. I've been wrong. You're not doing that."
She considered, her marker hovering over the white board. SURGERY?
"On that gurney, you didn't have control. Your friends interest was in giving it back to you. That's what surgeons always want, ultimately. The diseases, tumors, injuries, they take control, and we try to give it back.
"You didn't experience those events separately. You associate being exposed with what he did..." Derek swallowed; his anger didn't have a place in this conversation. "What he might've wanted to do. He caused it all, and there are others like him out there. People with grudges. Skewed values. People out of control of themselves. You've known that, but a month ago you felt it. Your body and your mind know it was wrong, it came out of the blue, somewhere you felt safe. You haven't had all that many experiences lately that weren't a direct reminder. Being away from the hospital doesn't take it all away. I wish it did. I wish I could process it for you, feel it for you."
he smiled, softly. U HELP. THE KIDS. BEING HOME
U NO THOSE STILETTOS I NVR WEAR OUT?
"Uh. Uh-huh."
COULDA GONE BADLY 4 MAGGIE
I HEARD THE DOOR AND….B/ SHE CALLED UP
& SHE'S FAMILIAR.
KNEW I WAS SAFE
"You should tell her that." She wrinkled her nose at that suggestion, and he laughed tapping the end of it."Honestly. And maybe…I don't think it was a benefit long term, but maybe it was good you couldn't hear them. Not that you didn't know what was going on, just that…what?"
Meredith's eyes had gone wide, and it took her a second to start writing.
I THGHT THAT. BEEN THINKING IT.
I REMEMBER STUFF I HEAR MORE
B/U KNOW THAT
"I do. I know you. And as long as you'll let me, that'll be true. Foundationaly," he added, tucking a piece of her smooth hair behind her ear. "When it comes to the finer points, there's always more to learn."
HAVE 2 KEEP U INTERESTED.
UR AN ASS WHEN UR BORED
"Go out there and ask everyone how delightful you were when the iPad timed out on you."
W/E. THEYRE HERE 4 AMY. MY FRIENDS ADORE ME
"Herman doesn't know you well, but everyone else here thinks you're pretty great. I am proud that you'd say that, even if you're joking."
"Mm." She clipped her marker onto the white board and leaned in to kiss him. When she pulled back, she held her hand up and slowly signed, "Not tunny."She grimaced. "NotJ-O-K-I-N-G."
He grinned at her. It took another ring of the bell, and Richard's voice to draw them out of the study.
Bailey started rubbing his eyes while Zola and Sofi were still happily playing, and Meredith didn't mind the excuse to have Derek take her upstairs.
"Hit send when he's done," he said, typing a text into his second phone.
"J-O."
"Wilson? Why?"
Meredith thought for a second, watching him while the toddler positioned her tit for the his accommodate her arm, she was just pumping on the other side, though it seemed unlikely that he'd be getting many bottles before they started slowing down toward his birthday, or her return to work, if that came later.
"She needs-to talk. All dinner, looking, looking, looking."
"Huh. I didn't notice that. Okay." He kissed her, and for maybe the hundredth time that evening she was grateful that she didn't have any instincts telling her to run from him. His lips felt as perfect as ever, and the buzz of discomfort (anxiety) under her skin calmed down a little more every time.
Feeding Bailey helped, too. Even in the short time before her milk dropped and the oxytocin flow started, it meant sitting in the closet mostly naked and totally helpless wasn't her last memory of sitting with her shirt unbuttoned.
She missed being able to talk to him while she did this. The content of her soliloquies never mattered to him; those bottle-blue eyes would stare at her like he understood every word.
He was dozing when he finished, exhausted from bringing so many toys from the playroom for an adult to admire, and showing Herman his Thomas table. She sent the text to Derek, and a moment later there were two sets of footsteps on the stairs, one grown-up, one tiny.
"Jo-Jo," Bailey observed just before his sister trailed Jo into the room. "Zo-Zo." His giggle ended in a yawn.
"Hi, bud. Ready for your crib?" Jo took him and expertly checked his diaper. How many times had Alex agreeing to babysit been him volunteering himself and Jo?
"Momma?" Zola asked. "Sofi went home, and Dr. Jo said she'd help me do bedtime, so, can I put on my jammas and rock with you in my room? I don't need my stories."
"Yes, yes, yes," Meredith signed. She wished she could counteroffer and give her both. But she doesn't care, she reminded heself at the sight of Zola's baby-toothed grin.
"Uh, one: do you want me to one: redo your top?" Jo asked once Meredith was sitting in the old rocker they'd kept in Zola's room. "Or two: get one you can sleep in?"
That was a tactic several of the nurses had used to help Meredith communicate, and she liked that Jo wasn't shy about learning from them. She held up two fingers, and watched Zola become a whirlwind of limbs and fabric as she switched her "dinner dress" out for Doc McStuffins PJs. Meredith pointed her through taking her clothes to the hamper, and then to the bathroom that connected the kids rooms to let Jo oversee her tooth-brushing.
While they were out of sight, Meredith took a long breath and slipped her right arm out of her shirt. Getting it on with the cast already fed through on the left had involved snagging the collar with a hanger and catching it under her chin to hold it within reach while she grappled for it.
They had a few adaptive devices leftover from then. She'd been right to stop him from donating them; although, then she'd been thinking about monkey bars and tree-climbing. While arranging them around the house, Derek had assumed he, or someone, would be able to hand her the button-hook from the dresser. He hadn't expected her to be wrangling herself into a shirt alone, literally in the damn closet.
Neither had she. Before she'd lowered herself, determined to just get the third outfit on there, she hadn't considered that her panties were in the drawers of the same dresser. She hadn't been able to get back up on the crutch where she was, but while scooting or crawling into the bedroom might not have been the most exciting way she'd ever gotten rug burn, it shouldn't have been impossible.
It had been.
Having never lived totally alone, she'd never developed a habit of walking around naked, but it wasn't as though Derek hadn't striped her in every room of the house. She'd gone topless plenty in Bailey's early days. Amelia moving in had nixed that, but she didn't always wear anything under her robe or tie it all that tightly. Giving both Dereks access had taken precedent over her tendency to get cold with a thermostat that could be controlled within a tenth of a degree. She hadn't anticipated the exact way air blew through the vent onto the sides of her boobs, or how she hadn't been able to make herself straighten her leg at the point where it began to ache, and then throb, because it would be one more barrier between an intruder and her cunt.
She hadn't believed someone was going to come out to their house, bypass the locks and come upstairs without alerting Amelia. That didn't mean she could stop imaging herself in the set-up of a typical porno, without the part where the lonely woman lets in the person who's there to deliver/repair/plumb. It wasn't likely, but what part of this was likely? Amelia was a heavy metal fan. Had Derek asked her not to put on headphones? Meredith couldn't scream. No one could have said she hadn't gotten herself in this position. She'd been all hopeful and stubborn, and Derek would find her down there surrounded by great shoes she wouldn't be able to wear for another two months.
Somewhere in there were the shoes that matched the pair worn by a sexual assault victim who'd come in during her first month at work. Allison had been covered in defensive wounds,she'd bitten off the tip of her attacker's dick, and she'd still been beaten into a freaking coma. If Meredith had been shoved onto the gurney and had her scrubs ripped down, would she have been able to knee him in the balls, like she'd tried to do at fifteen?
Callie guessed her wrist fracture had come from trying to catch her fall, and her knee had buckled first. Meredith thought they were two drops. It felt like she'd been dragged up off the floor and slammed against something, but that could've been the backboard. All she knew with certainty was that whether they were part of his plan or not, he'd had ideas that were not about his sister. That Lissy would have hated. He was in Caldwell Correctional, and she'd seen that place. It wasn't a joke.
She wasn't afraid of him. She was just afraid. She'd told Derek, which felt like—was—a triumph. Time would tell if it helped. That was the truth for all of it. Time would tell. Freaking time.
Jo brought in a t-shirt, and Meredith stretched the sleeve over her cast to get it over her head as fast as she could. Easy. Less time spent chastising herself over being anxious. Less anxiety in general. With Zola cuddled on her lap, all she wanted was time. Her baby girl would never be too big for this; that she'd decided years ago, but the legs she curled up were long, gangly preschooler legs. They had one more year before school, and activities, and friends who weren't their colleagues' kids took her away more and more. What keep Meredith from spiraling over that was that Zola would come home; she'd have a home to come to.
"I'm sorry you have broken bones, but Momma? I'm glad you weren't in D.C. Daddy says he likes us much better, and I know you do, because you were here."
Meredith shifted, letting Zola rest against her chest to free her hand. "Daddy loves you, a lot, a lot, a lot."
"I know it. But he had to learn all our stuff, and Bay-Bay did biting at daycare, and you couldn't do the face call, because you were too sick. You couldn't do yes and no."
Having a lump in her throat didn't keep Meredith from responding. She could have her hand soundly on her daughter's back and nod. Making herself do it was something else. It was a lie.
"Your mom hit her head when she fell down," Jo said She'd sat down in front of Zola's bookshelf and was examining thechapter books they read aloud. "For a while she couldn't hear very well, and she was sleeping a lot so her body could save energy for healing."
"She still has naps," Zola whispered. "Sorry, Momma."
"There's nothing wrong with that. Naps aren't only for little kids; sometimes bodies get tired."
Zola made a face and returned her head to Meredith's shoulder. For a few minutes, she twirled a piece of her hair around a finger, the edge of it and her huffs of breath tickling Meredith's neck. Then, her fingers slipped, her breaths got slow, and her body heavy and warm.
Another time, Meredith would have kept holding her for a while; examining her for subtle changes, and re-familiarizing herself with the curve of her eyelashes, the whirls of her ear, the button nose, and the tiny bit of baby fat left in her cheeks. It would have to wait.
"You need talk?" she asked Jo.
"Oh. You…. I…Dr. Shepherd said you're due for meds. Can I help with that first so…so your hand is free?"
Her resident had tucked in her kids and was now getting her ready for bed. This really had turned her life upside down.
It didn't seem to have affected the way Jo respected her. The only comparison Meredith could make was the TA she'd babysat at a party freshman year; it was a position she'd been in herself, but Meredith had had trouble taking her seriously after hearing her sob over the adorableness of JTT. Would all this be different if she could speak? If Jo had heard her rhapsodize about Labyrinth? Maybe not. She'd already heard her rant about her marriage.
Meredith brushed the parts of her teeth she could reach, and let the prescription mouthwash Jo poured for her seep between her teeth, swished it around, and dribbled it out again. The chance of dental issues after this was high. Like she didn't have enough fillings from the years where her mother had canceled appointments for surgeries, and any chance she could get away from the sighs and lamentations over wasted time, she took. She wasn't sure she'd even gone to a dentist before her first adult tooth had come in.
Jo helped her replace her sling; if she noticed the newly named Roxy the Foxy, she didn't say. She did smirk when Meredith unlocked the iPad, swiping to the app they were using to track her nutrition and medications, like she thought Meredith didn't know she'd won a wager on her.
"Pain level?"she asked, while Meredith wrangled her pajama pants, reminding herself that she could. She paused. Her knee was throbbing again from the closet, and up here alone her mind would return there.
She'd flushed half a bottle of Vicodin after her broken ribs because she'd taken them a few times when the thoughts of her mom and the memories of Elliott Bay had hurt more than the physical pain. She wouldn't be free of that for weeks, yet. Callie and Wyatt might be able to figure out how to treat the anxiety as a primary thing. Valium could also help with pain. That plus the NSAID might be a better choice with what she was really worried about. She didn't want to switch herself this close to her last dose of the Dilaudidd, but maybe she needed to consider that. Ugh. She held up six fingers with an additional one bent. Let Jo decide.
As the warmth of the opioid coursed through Meredith's system. The resident picked up the framed photo of Zola that Derek kept on his side of the bed. "She's really lucky," Jo said.
"Mmm," Meredith murmured. "Us."
"She fits with you," Jo put the photo down and retrieved a saline flush and the PN bag from the cooler Derek set up that morning. "You have a gorgeous family, Dr. Grey."
"M-E-R-E-D—"
"Meredith."
"Here."
"No, I get that. Totally get it." Jo swiped a hand through the air, and Meredith remembered how once just her freshness and her slight awkwardness had been too much like Lexie. They were totally different, but sometimes, seeing Jo from the back, it had triggered the feelings she'd been repressing while everyone's visible wounds healed.
"Um, Alex said you didn't get officially married until you were trying to impress the system."
Meredith pointed to the Post-it. The infusion pump started, and Jo arced her neck to study the damaged shadowbox. Meredith had thought of replacing it, but for now she thought they needed the reminder of how easily it could crack.
"That was after you gave Alex your ceremony?"
Meredith gestured for her to sit on the bed. She did so hesitantly, perching on the edge to unlace her boots. Her hair was down, which Meredith rarely saw, even when she barged into Alex—Alex and Jo's bedroom. It looked nice, but Jo kept tucking it behind her ear and shaking it out, like she wasn't used to it either.
WASN'T OURS.
IZZIE'S.
Meredith avoided thinking about Izzie, in general, but her mental filter was leaking. She could hear her saying "it's just a place I worked," and even dulled, the pain seeped out of it. She'd tried to understand. She'd considered taking off on the worst days of intern year—and it was the decisision to stay that was anomolous. She assumed Izzie had left Chehalis in a similar way, and it'd worked for her. Meredith had just thought that what they'd been through might make her more than a former colleague.
Izzie had been stuck in the hospital far longer than Meredith had, and the ways her body had been betraying her were invisible. Meredith's friend had had a brain tumor, start seeing things, and she'd regretted not noticing. She hadn't been in a hurry to get married, but telling Izzie about the engagement had made her eyes light up.
"At least one of us will be settled by thirty," she'd quipped after she stopped gushing.
"Um, married and divorced here," George had said.
"You're a boy-penis, you don't count." She'd smiled at Meredith like they shared a secret. Meredith hadn't told her that she was sure that doctrine had been the reason for her parents' unhappy marriage. That her grandmother had "certain expectations" was all Meredith really knew of her, and Ellis would never have planned to meet anyone as a resident. Marrying Thatcher could've been a way out of a lifetime of being hassled. She'd been conforming to move forward, much the same as she did at the hospital by ignoring the sexist jokes, never taking the time to shut them down. She'd had other things to do.
Izzie had been one of those girls who'd made a wedding scrapbook after school. Meredith could imagine her paging through it at fifteen. Maybe she'd been expected to marry the boy who'd gotten her pregnant, or maybe he'd refused to acknowledge her. She'd have been afraid she'd lose that dream and her dream of being a doctor.
By the time she'd gotten cancer, one of them had been realized, but it'd been just over a year since she'd believed she'd be marrying Denny. He'd been on her mind—in her mind—and so had losing a chance to achieve the milestones she'd set for herself. Not that she hadn't loved Denny. Meredith might have doubted it before Derek, but she'd fallen for him in far less time than Izzie had had with the patient. Izzie had also loved Alex, and he'd been besotted by her from that first date with no goodnight kiss.
"I get that it was all A Walk to Remember," Jo said. "That's about all he'll say. But he wanted to marry her. To be married."
EVENTUALLY.
He hadn't been ready, but there'd been plenty of parts of a serious relationship that Meredith hadn't been prepared for, but with Derek she'd been ready to try.
"Did you…were you always gonna do that? Let her plan it, then give it to them?"
Meredith considered that. "Eh."
DEREK LIKES A SHOW
I WANTED THE PROMISE
Jo nodded, and Meredith absently mimicked it tapping the pad of her finger against Roxy the Foxy's eye. She didn't have the energy to miss anything physical, but in that closet she'd longed to slam her sticks down and let the reverb build her up until she'd finally exhausted her fury. It was more orgasmic than some orgasms. Sorry, dude, at least you tried.
"Alex is like you, you both say that. He's done it before, like Dr. Shepherd had. Plenty of people don't get married. They can't. Even if gay...same-sex marriage passes, people on disability can lose benefits. It's a privilege, and he doesn't think he needs to own me. He grew up Catholic, but he doesn't practice...well, he's gone to confession a couple times, but no services. And it's God that needs to be there. The priest is the middleman. That's… That's what Vatican II was, isn't it?" She continued, rattling off arguments against marriage Meredith had heard everywhere, from the kitchen table, to college classrooms, to her room while Cristina freaked out before her wedding to Owen.
Meredith was having an epiphany. Maybe it was the meds; she'd been on them during the last conversation with Jo. Maybe she would've put it together regardless, knowing what she knew. Didn't change that she was realizing it in that moment.
Growing up relying on only yourself was not the same as being taught to be self-reliant. Meredith's mother had programmed her not to trust men with pretty words. She couldn't explain Derek. She was almost positive she'd have run if he'd struck her—which he wouldn't, ever. Don't hit a woman, she'll hit back was a joke among Shepherds, but he held to the first part of the saying independently—but those nice apologies of his, the way she accepted him making the same mistake over and over; the way he'd taught her to be vulnerable. Intern Meredith might've been just strong enough to hit back, to know she didn't deserve that. But a younger Meredith, who already had a sort of mutually violent relationship with Sadie…? She could've gotten in over her head.
"Sho," she said, the word slurring through her teeth. The resident looked at her.
Y/N: YOU WERE MARRIED
There was a long pause, but Jo's wide-eyes told her she was right prior to the nod that made hair fall into a curtain over her face. "I ran. I became a different person."
ARE
Y/N: YOU WERE MARRIED
She had to snap to get Jo's attention. Well, no, she didn't. She could've said her name again, but she thought it'd was better to do something normal. That was what she'd needed over the past month. Jo read the board. Her face froze, and her back stiffened. Meredith could imagine her unfolding her legs and taking off so easily that she had to blink to be sure which was real.
"Yes." Jo pressed her hand to her mouth, but Meredith heard the relief in that single syllable. She'd never forget telling Derek about her mother after four-and-a-half years of evasion. Four-and-a-half years of saying "traveling," and being able to smile because she was thinking through time, and the other option was to scream. "Please don't tell Alex." Meredith pointed to her mouth, and Jo scoffed. "Like I don't know you guys have a creepy twin ESP thing? Sorry."
There was the intern Meredith had snapped at while overseeing her first appendectomy. She'd taken a different tact than Meredith when it came to feelings; they tended to show, and replace them with defensiveness if someone challenged her. It tracked. Most adults could be moved by a sad little girl; other kids could be intimidated.
Meredith didn't know if Jo thought she was offending her, or just taking up attention she didn't deserve. Either way, she needed to be reassured, and Meredith needed to think. She held her hand out. The resident moved hers hesitantly, weighing the possibility of a trick.
Derek was married. He didn't tell me, and then she showed up. It broke me. I felt betrayed. Alex would too, and you cannot let that happen. You need Alex. He needs you.
While she tried to figure out how to get that across without putting her long burnt out anger at Derek onto Jo, the story unspooled. "I met him waitressing at Bob's Crab Shack while I was at Princeton. He'd come in for a conference. I'd heard him speak, and I thought the old dude with him was going to shit a brick, hearing me ask whether he thought fiber-optics made a bigger difference in medicine or in information. Honestly, I barely knew what I was talking about. I was a junior in college, and engineering isn't my thing
"He answered me like he respected my intelligence. I was such a dork; every time I returned to the table, I had a follow-up question. When Old McDouche left, and my shift was over, we sat at the bar for hours. He said all these things about how smart I was, how I absolutely had to come to Harvard. He took me to his hotel room and... it's a tale as old as time, right? Wooing the poor girl with room service? Except, I thought it was different, because he didn't act weird when I tried to freak him out by turning on the Pay-Per-View."
Meredith pressed her lips together to keep the whistling sound of her snicker from reaching Jo. She could see herself doing that at that age—or older, while she was trying to prove to Derek that he didn't know what he was getting into—but getting stuck with the bill wouldn't have felt like the risk; that would've been being in a hotel room with a strange guy. Not that she'd never done it, but rarely his room. Sadie had said she took it to a point of paranoia. Really, it'd been privilege. She'd been able to afford to be carefree and cautious.
"He came up from Cambridge all through summer, and he'd sit in someone else's section, ordering sides for hours. He'd tip really well, and he was doing it for me, but not, like... for me. He wasn't tipping me. He never asked to take care of me, or required anything. He helped me apply for med school. When I got into Harvard, him asking to marry me seemed logical. I wouldn't have to worry about housing, or loans, or anything but becoming the best doctor I could be, and…I was so tired of doing everything for myself. There were people in fourth-year whose moms still did their laundry."
Meredith thought of George moving home for his residency; of her own suspicion about Susan's empty nest syndrome. Taking care of her mother had been more than she was ready for, and she'd never been truly on her own with Ellis joint on her bank account.
"The first time, he said going back and forth for a year put him behind on his research and had him frustrated. Of course, that was my fault. I tried spending more time out; study group, a few nights in the Square. That was me was acting like a child... I see all the gaslighting now. What I don't know...don't understand is how he could look at me and know how primed I was to see everything as my fault."
During that fight in the stairwell, Derek had claimedthat she never took responsibility for anything. She'd wanted to laugh in his face at the projection. The next thing he'd said had stuck with her, but she'd known he didn't have a right to say it. She hadn't been scared of him. She'd known he wouldn't hurt her. Still did, even now. How had she been sure? She'd seen him hit Mark. Had had him lash out in ways that almost made her wish he'd struck her, and she could fight back, wordlessly. They'd had sex like that.
What he'd never done was lie about it. He'd never said "you made me..." He'd cool down and see what he'd done. Sometimes, he didn't know how to fix it, but blame went where it needed to be. Even with Mark and Addison, he'd seen his part in it.
That she'd learned to take words from her mother didn't keep them from hurting. That she rarely made him explain them was her issue, and she was getting better. She still took responsibility for things that weren't her fault, but not that way.
Jo had been the one who understood why she'd blamed herself for his…for the…for Felix's anger. She'd known. Meredith hadn't been surprised when he'd put his hands on her, but it'd be too much to say she'd expected him. That someone so much more inconsequential than a husband had shown up in her life after twenty years must've confirmed Jo's worst fears. Meredith squeezed her hand and let go slowly to reach for the marker. She had a mess of disjointed thoughts on secret marriages, but this was bigger.
1. U TELL ALEX
She gave Jo the hardest look she could muster to stop her immediate protests.
I CAN BE THERE IF U WANT
IT'LL BE GR8
HE CAN BE THE 1ST PERSON I YELL .
HE'LL GET IT. I'LL MAKE HIM.
Jo's lip twitched.
IF I CAN'T, MIRANDA CAN. NO DETAILS.
TELL HER HE'S BEING STUPID.
PULL ROBBINS IN IF HE'S STUBBORN
B/ HE'S HAS 2 KNOW B/C:
2. WE'RE GOING 2 C THE LAWYER DEREK PUT ON RETAINER LAST WK.
CALL F.A.C.S.
2.5 MYB 1 OF THE REPORTERS ON MY ASS
3. UR GOING 2 GET A DIVORCE.
4. MARRY ALEX. DON'T. W/E. 1ST U GET FREE
"I can't do that. He'll…he's never gonna come up here. He's in Florida! You don't move to Florida, and then come to Seattle. Not unless you know your runaway wife—"
Meredith snapped at her again, her eyebrows raised as she held up the board. U WAN GR8 SURGEON? .
"What…? I…yes, but that doesn't…what does that have to do with…?"
SEARCH ELLIS GREY ON YOUTUBE.
SHE DIED B4 IT EXISTED.
THERE R GOOGLE IMGS OF ME FROM HER 1ST HPR AVRY
UR GOIN GR8 SURGEON W/A PRETTY FACE
& U SHLDN'T BE SCARED HE'LL SEE
U CAME HERE ALONE,
U DIDNT TRUST ANYONE.
WE WERE ALL AWFUL
"You had reason. I mean, your sister had just died. You were still all scratched up from the crash, and we didn't…we were interns."
I DIDN'T WANT ANY1 NEW 2 CARE ABT.
MAGGIE WAS A PRBLM. U WENT UNDER THE RADAR
"I…Oh."
DON'T MAKE IT A THING.
"No. No, of course. I wouldn't...I…." Jo pressed her hand against her mouth. Meredith rolled her eyes and pointed at the Kleenex box on the bedside table.
CMON UVE SEEN WORSE FROM ME THIS MONTH
U'VE GOT US. ME. ALEX. EDWARDS. RICHARD.
U HAVE A WHOLE DAMN HOSPITAL.
HE HAS WHAT? A DICK? NOT SPECIAL.
Jo laughed, collecting another wave of tears on her wadded up Kleenex. "No. It wasn't."
THEY NVR R
"Well—"
Meredith held up a hand. TELL ME ABT ALEX'S DONG, I DARE U.
"Like you haven't seen it?"
EXACTLY.
"You really think I'm gonnabe a great surgeon?"
U HAVE A GOOD TEACHER
"And that I'm pretty?"
Meredith threw one of the extra propping pillows at her. Io was still laughing when she managed to get her next thought onto the board.
WE TELL BZ PRETTY ON THE INSIDE IS WHAT MATTERS.
SO, YEAH. UR PRETTY WILSON
When Jo smiled this time, Meredith thought again of Lexie. If her sister hadn't been such a genius, they'd have been at Harvard Med at the same time. They could've been the friend the other needed. Instead, they'd both ended up with Meredith, who never seemed to realize she was getting a sister before it'd already happened.