Madness

What had gotten into her? She never acts this recklessly. It's like she's becoming this whole other weird person that I don't even recognize anymore. And the worst part is, that it is with this crazy woman who stole her credit card. Like, come on, Mon.

Rachel was washing the dishes, which she promised Mon she would do two days ago. Well, better late than never, no? Anyway, the dishes were a welcome distraction from the worrying she did about Monica. She had no idea where she was right now. For all she know she took a plane to some country on the other side of the globe. But what could she do? She was a grown up and she, supposedly, could make her own decisions. And it's not like she needed to consult with Rachel before making such decisions. They are not a couple after all. Although, sometimes the line was very thin. At least in Rachel's point of view.

She finished up the dishes, but she was too nervous to do nothing. Since Monica was slightly losing her mind, her cleaning wasn't as meticulously as it normally was, so Rachel decided to at least do the basic cleaning. She took the necessary supplies and starting dusting. She just started with the table, lifting up the magazines to dust under them and resisting the urge to give up on this way too spontaneous cleaning to sit down with a magazine, when the door went open and Monica entered, swinging in all directions.

"Yo- hooo!"

"Where the hell've you been?", Rachel said, worry evident in her voice.

"Monica and I just crashed an embassy party", Monica answered, totally oblivious to Rachel's concern.

"Are you drunk?!"

"Noooo!" Monica came closer, a tad embarrassed, "I'm lying. I am so drunk", she said, giggling slightly.

"Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y'know what, you could've called, I have been up here, I've been worried...", she felt like she was talking to the wall. Her friends focus was anywhere but on her. She saw Monica putting her head to the tap.

" Monica? Monica!", she tried again.

"Water rules!"

Rachel sighed, defeated: "Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant called, they wanna know if you're gonna be showing up for work?"

"Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today."

"Okay Monica, what are you doing? You're gonna lose your job! This is not you!", she couldn't seem to get Monica to think straight.

"No, it is me! Y'know, I'm not just the person who needs to fluff the pillows and pay the bills as soon as they come in! Y'know, when I'm with her, I am so much more than that. I'm- I'm Monana!"

"But you are also so much more than that when your Monica. You're this amazing woman, who I actually admire. You have this amazing job that you love and you have big dreams for your future. And you have a strength I can only dream of. And I don't mean only physically", Rachel tried to keep a steady voice, but failed miserably. The tears were also already starting to well up, "And, and you're the woman who I really care about and who can make me feel like I'm a million dollars with the way you treat me. And -", a sob escaped her lips. God, why do I have to get so emotional all the time. She tried to finish her sentence, "And you're the only person who can get me to be so loud when we have sex. Monica, you are so much more than 'just' a responsible adult. I just – I just can't understand why you feel the need to be this whole other person."

Monica stood frozen watching her best friend choking up and having tears streaking down her face. Her words really shocked her. Not in a bad way, not at all, but no one had ever said such wonderful things about her. Things that made her like Rachel even more than she already did. It wasn't long before her tears started to fall too. She didn't know how to answer to Rachel's confession, so instead she took a couple of wobbly steps – she was still drunk after all – to Rachel and engulfed her in a hug.

The hug was full of emotion. They didn't use words, but they were holding on tight to each other, scared of letting go and losing the person they cared most about in the entire world. When they both calmed down a bit, Monica pulled back a little. Just enough to see Rachel's face in front of hers. Her right hand came up to clear some hair away that had gotten stuck on her cheek. "I'm sorry", she whispered. She let her hand rest on her right cheek, gently caressing it, "I'm just really lost."

Rachel looked at her with a confused expression. Monica continued: "I just don't know who I am anymore. I mean, I had always this clear vision of getting a husband, a house, kids, but ever since we started this being intimate friends thing, this vision is just all blurry. And it's not bad blurry, it's just really hard to know what to expect. Is it a wife I see know with me? Or a husband? Because I still feel attracted to men, but I'm starting to realise that I feel this attraction also for women. And it took me twenty five years to figure this out, so it just makes me wonder what else I don't know about myself simply because I never bothered to try it out or to think about it. I guess this is also why I went all crazy these past few weeks."

Rachel's expression went soft. "Well, you have still a lifetime ahead of you to find out all those other amazing things about you. You don't need to figure all of this out now. And if you want to try something new out, I am more than happy to try it out with you."

Monica had a small, teary smile on her face. "Thanks, Rach", she said in a whisper, "God, when did you get so wise. It seems like last week since you cut your dad's credit cards", she said with a soft laugh.

Rachel laughed too, shrugging her shoulders. The ringing of the phone made them disentangle from their embrace and Rachel answered it.

"Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please", She covered the speaker of the phone, "Monana", she said with a smirk, "It's for you, the credit card people."

Monica took the phone from her, giving Rachel a playful scowl: "Hello? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks", she put the phone down.

"What?", Rachel asked.

"They've arrested Monica", Monica said with disbelief evident in her voice.

"Who's this from?", Rachel asked, picking up the next present.

"Oh, that's Ross's", Chandler answered.

"Oh... Oh my God. He remembered", she said, looking with big eyes at the beautiful pin in front of her.

"Remembered what?", Phoebe asked, pulling Rachel out of her trance.

"It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!"

"Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane?", Chandler quipped, patting his Travel Scrabble game.

"Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune", Phoebe said.

"I can't believe he did this", Monica said in disbelief.

"Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?", Chandler flapped out. It wasn't until he saw everyone looking at him that he realised the impact of what he just said. He just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel.

"What did you just say?", Rachel asked, utterly confused.

Chandler panicked: "Ahem... um... Crystal duck."

"No, no, no...", Rachel shook her head, "The, um, the... 'love' part?"

Chandler tried to get out words, but didn't get further than a few strangled sounds.

"Oh... my God", Rachel said. Her head was spinning.

" Oh, no no no no no...", Chandler rubbed his temples.

" That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time", Joey said, being incredibly unhelpful.

Rachel took a cab back from the airport. She had no idea if he got her message to talk when he got back, but she would deal with that when he got back. Her mind was reeling. She didn't know what to do with this new information. And she felt a bit weird about it. I mean, the fact that it was Ross, her friend, who was in love with her, was already crazy, but the fact that it was Monica's brother who was in love with her, made her feel queasy. She was in this not-a-relationship thing with Monica while Monica's brother was in love with her.

The next days were filled with questions and hypotheses and even more questions – most of which she had no answer on – and it was starting to take a toll on her. She had a million questions herself already. All her friends' questions on top of that, made her lose it. She tried to picture herself with Ross, but it felt off.

She rinsed the last remainder of the conditioner out of her hair and stepped out of the shower. She dried herself off and put on her panties followed by her comfy pants and a camisole for her upper body. Twisting her hair in her towel so it wouldn't leak on her back, she stepped out of the steamy bathroom. She plopped down on a chair in the kitchen. Monica was chopping up some mushrooms and paprika, she looked over he shoulder when she heard Rachel sighing deeply and saw her friend sitting with her head in her hands.

"You okay?"

Rachel twisted her head to look at Monica, while still supporting it with her hands. "Pff, I guess."

"So no", Monica concluded.

Rachel's corner of her mouth quirked up a bit, "Karl is coming over for drinks after dinner", Rachel said, changing the subject.

"Karl, the guy you had a date with on your birthday?"

"Yep, that Karl."

"So you're not going to the airport then?"

"I don't know."

"You like Karl more?"

"No, not all that much actually. But I need to verify something for myself and for that I need to see him before I decide what I'm doing about Ross."

"Alright… What do you need to verify?"

"I can't tell you. Yet, at least. But, I've been thinking. If I would decide to take a shot with Ross, it's going to change everything between us. And I don't want that. That's my biggest concern."

"I know. I've been thinking about that too…"

Dinner was served half an hour later and they decided to talk about anything but 'the situation with Ross'. Once they were both full, Monica cleaned away the plates. Rachel went to put on something a bit more classy than comfy pants and a camisole. She came out of her room in an asymmetrical skirt – the front short, the back long – and with a black shirt on. Monica, having finished the dishes, sat on the couch and looked up. Her eyes raked over Rachel. From head to toe and back to head. Once her eyes arrived at her head again, Rachel had her hands on her hips and a smug smile on her face.

"Like what you see?", she asked coyly.

Monica stood up and came closer to Rachel. "Very much so. You look gorgeous, Rach."

Rachel put her hands on Monica's hips and pulled her close. Their lips met and they slowly made out. Taking their time. The buzzer from the apartment doorbell buzzed annoyingly loud. "Cancel your date", Monica said out of breath and full of lust.

"I'm sorry, hon. I would do it in a second, but I really need to do this", Rachel walked to the door and buzzed him in. Once he arrived at their door, Rachel had smoothed down her hair enough not to make it obvious that she made out minutes before. "Hi, Karl, come in."

"Thanks", he smiled at her and kissed her cheek. She couldn't help but notice that the slight stubble on his cheek annoyed her. When Monica kissed her cheek, she felt her silky, smooth skin against her. Not something that made her cheek itch.

"Great apartment you got", he said.

"Thanks. You want to drink something? I've got some wine, beer, milk, water or juice."

"Some wine would be great, thanks", he said while taking off his coat and hanging it on one of the chairs in the kitchen.

"There you go", Rachel said, handing him his glass and taking her own in her hand, "Why don't we move to the balcony? It's a nice evening today", she suggested.

"Sure", he agreed and followed her outside.

Before they were both fully outside, he was already launching into a story about himself. Annoyingly loud, might I add. Like, dude, my hearing is fine. You don't have to shout.

While he kept talking, Rachel began to work on the reason that she invited him here in the first place. To know if she was bi or a lesbian. In the past few months, she got more and more interested in women and less and less in men. Before getting into this complicated situation with Ross, she wanted to get her head straight first.

Alright, so, the stubbly cheek was already a turn-off. Let's see, when I cuddle with men in bed, there are no soft breasts to lay my head on. Their thing is still not something that I consider to be beautiful or fascinating, but it does feel good to have inside me. Though, a dildo feels equally good and doesn't go soft after a couple of minutes. On the other hand, a vagina looks gorgeous. When Monica and I have sex, I always think about what she used to call 'sex' in high school: 'giving my flower'. It really is like a flower opening when she opens her legs for me. And sex with a woman, but with Monica in particular, is goo-ood.

Okay, what else? Oh, right, bodies. The bodies of women are so soft and squishy and beautiful. But of men, she looked at the man – who, by the way, was still talking and didn't even notice her not listening to a word he was saying – in front of her, firm torso, big hands, lots of chest hair. I don't know, I don't really like it. As in, it doesn't turn me on, like, at all.

Next, personality. Well, he's been talking about himself non-stop now and for some reason this happens more when I have conversations with men than with women. I like how with women, we understand each other. More or less at least. And we're equals. There is no 'the man the protector' or any of this.

Karl didn't miss a beat between each of his stories. He didn't even care that she wasn't saying anything. He made her feel like a ghost. A ghost to which he could bloat about all the heroic things he had done so far in life. She began to get more and more disgusted by the second. She couldn't stand it anymore. "Karl", she tried, but he didn't hear her, too busy with himself, "Karl", she tried a second time but firmer.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry, but I just remembered that I really need to talk with this friends of mine and I need to do it tonight at the latest, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut this short."

"Ow, okay, no problem."

"You'll get home okay?"

"Yeah, I'll call an Uber, no problem."

They went inside and Rachel handed him his jacket. He put his jacket on while Rachel was already going to the door.

"So, call me. We can go to the cinema or something for our next date", he said with a smile showing all of his teeth.

"Yeah, bye, Karl", Rachel shut the door and let herself fall against it. After a few moments, trying to get up the courage, she went to Monica's room. She gently knocked on the door and went in when Monica told her to.

"Hi", Rachel said, heading to Monica's bed.

"Hi", Monica answered, sitting under her covers, closing her book she had been reading. She checked the alarm next to her, "Short date?"

"Yeah, I couldn't stand it anymore and I needed to talk to you."

"Alright", she said lifting up the covers so Rachel could slip in beside her.

"So, I only invited him for one reason. I needed a man to confirm what I have been thinking for a while now. And, now with this thing of Ross, I really needed to get my head straight before making any decisions. But now I'm sure", she grabbed Monica's hand, "I only like women."

Monica looked at her friend. "You mean, you are a lesbian?", she asked with a soft, understanding voice.

"Yeah, but that's not all. Mon, I would really love to date you. I care about you so much and you are the most beautiful woman I've ever met. You are my best friend and the best lover in the world."

Monica smiled at Rachel. "I would really love to date you too."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

They smiled at each other but it didn't take long for them to bring their lips together and to resume what they had started minutes before the arrival of Karl.

She felt an arm coming around her waist. Her eyes fluttered open and she saw Rachel's face in front of her. "Good morning", Rachel murmured.

"Morning", Monica said in her slightly groggy voice, a smile touching her lips.

"I like waking up next to you. No, wait, I love waking up next to you", Rachel corrected herself. She started drawing circles with her thumb on Monica's stomach.

"Me too", Monica couldn't seem to stop smiling. Instead she softly pushed Rachel on her back and she turned with her, ending up on top of her. They cuddled until Monica started to get hungry. They moved to the kitchen to make some breakfast, but they couldn't stop cuddling. Missing each other's warmth the minute the other let go to get an ingredient.

"I have a question", Monica said, while they were eating their breakfast, "Would you be okay with it if we didn't tell our friends yet about us?"

"Why? Are you embarrassed?"

"No, not at all, I just don't feel ready yet for all their questions and noisiness and, you know, them being them."

"Yeah, I see what you're getting at. We can tell them whenever we both feel comfortable enough with it."

"That would be great, thanks, Rach."

"There is nothing to thank me for."

Joey burst in with a sniffing nose. "Omelettes?", he asked trying to identify the odour.

"Yep, they are in the pan. Serve yourself", Monica said.

"Thanks, Mon!"

Ross came in a couple of minutes later. But not alone. "Hi, everyone! I want you to meet Julie. We met in China", Ross said happily, hugging her to his side. She looked up at him, smiling.

"That's great! I'm so happy for you guys! Want to join us for breakfast? I'll make some more eggs if there isn't enough", Monica said.

"Monica, there is someone here for you", one of her coworkers told her.

She looked at the clock. Only two more minutes to the end of her shift. After washing her hands quickly, she walked through the big swinging doors and found Rachel standing at the bar. Her whole face lit up when she saw Monica coming through the big doors. Monica smiled back and made her way to Rachel, who met her halfway. "Hi!", Rachel said and leaned in to kiss Monica, only to be met with Monica's cheek who had last minute turned her head. Rachel pulled back and looked at her confused.

"Everything okay?", she asked.

Monica looked at her, a guilty expression on her face. "I'm sorry, let's talk outside", she said in a low voice, making sure not to be heard by the bartender. She went back to get her stuff and they walked outside the restaurant. They started going in the direction of their apartment.

"What the hell, Monica? If you don't want to date me, just say it, okay?", Rachel's voice was angry, but her face showed a different emotion. Hurt.

"I'm sorry, Rach, I really am. I just don't think I'm ready yet to be publicly romantic."

"Oh, please, when you had boyfriends, you kissed them all the time in public."

"That's different!", Monica tried to keep her voice down, but failed.

"How?", Rachel said back in a loud voice, "Because I'm a girl? Is that it?"

"N- ", Monica started to say, sighed, and decided to go for the truth, "Yes, I'm sorry", she said in a small voice. She didn't dare to look in Rachel's eyes.

"Mon? Mon, look at me please", Rachel asked, tugging her to the bench at the side of the park on the other side of the restaurant. They sat down and Monica slowly looked up at Rachel, but her eyes immediately flicked away when she saw the hurt in it.

"Are you, uhm, do you not like girls?", Rachel asked with a thin voice.

"I – ah – I don't know, Rach, if I'm being honest. I know I like you so incredibly much, it's unbelievable, but I can't seem to figure out if I like women in general or if I like you. And I still feel attracted to men too", Monica confessed.

"So you're bisexual?", Rachel asked, not fully understanding what Monica meant with the liking women part.

"I don't know. I'm either bisexual or straight with feelings for my female best friend."

"Okay, hon, this is confusing, can you –", she got cut off by Monica.

"I know. It's easy for you. You know you like women and that's that. But me, I've spent this entire years trying to figure out what I am. In which box I fit in. But I just can't figure it out. And it's driving me insane. I get it, okay, I get that this is incredibly frustrating for you, but just imagine how frustrating this is for me, please", Monica's voice was starting to crack, her eyes starting to well up.

Rachel put her arms around her and gently rocked back and forth with Monica softly sobbing in the crook of her neck. "I'm sorry. I wish you would have told me sooner. I would have understood, you know", she said softly in her hair, "Do you still want to be in a relationship with me?"

"I would really love to still be in a relationship with you, but I can only go slow, so I understand if you prefer to date another girl."

"Monica, I don't want to date anyone but you. We will go at whatever speed you want, as long as we can be together, I don't care if you don't feel ready yet to be publicly romantic. I love you, Mon. I want to do this with you."

"I love you too, Rach. I promise I will tell you sooner about things like this next time. I don't ever want to hurt you. I care too much about you", Monica said.

After staying in their hug a bit longer, they got up to continue their way to the apartment, holding hands. Monica needed to get started on dinner. It was going to be a big welcome back dinner for Ross and a welcome-in-our-friend-group dinner for Julie.

S1E21 – tow the fake Monica

S1E24 – tow Rachel finds out