Letting go

"How was dinner? Survived?", Rachel asked when she heard the door opening. She turned around from her seat on the couch. Monica got out of her jacket and took a deep breath, preparing for the conversation ahead of her.

"I couldn't do it", she said in a defeated voice. She had talked about telling her parents with Rachel. A flicker of disappointment flashed across Rachel's face before quickly hiding it.

"How come?", she asked. Monica came around and sat on the other side of the couch. Holding her distance from Rachel. Rachel began to have a bad feeling.

"Because I can't do this", Monica said, head down, voice barely audible. It was like ice coursing through Rachel's entire body. Hoping to have misheard her, she asked: "What?"

"I- I can't do this. I can't do us. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry", Monica hid her face in her hands to avoid showing her crumbling façade to Rachel. Rachel felt frozen in her seat. A million questions coursed through her head, yet none made it out. Eventually, she settled on the shortest. "Why?", she already felt her voice breaking.

Monica took a ragged breath and looked up, attempting to keep the tears in her eyes. "We talked about the wedding yesterday and, let's just say my mom isn't really open-minded about it- "

"So you're breaking up with me because of your mom?", Rachel's voice was loud and distraught.

"No, no!", Monica said quickly, shaking her head, "It's about something else she said. She was talking about how it's illegal for same-sex couples to get married. Apparently, it's just the ceremony, but you're not married according to the law. And this makes it nearly impossible for same-sex couples to have children", Monica's tears had started to flow down her face now. She didn't even bother to hide it, since Rachel's face was a mirror of hers.

"I mean, I know it's hard, but is this really what's going to end us?", Rachel asked, choking up.

"It's just, it's been my dream ever since I was little to be a mom. And I- it's just too hard. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Rach", Monica was sobbing at this point.

"But we can make it work. We can search for lesbian-friendly adoption agencies. We can look into- "

"I'm sorry, Rach. I can't do this. I can't have a girlfriend. I should just look for a husband", Monica said, pinching the bridge of her nose.

A sharp pain ran through Rachel's chest. She had never felt pain this intense without being physically hurt. "But, this can't be it. It just can't", she said coming closer and desperately grabbing Monica's hands.

"Then how come it is?", Monica said standing up. Rachel's hands fell to her lap and she looked at Monica walking to her room. As soon as her door closed, her entire body began to shake and a silent scream came out of her mouth.

Monica broke down against her door. As soon as she had closed it, she had fallen against it with her back and sunken down to the ground. This was the most horrible thing she ever had to do. But it was her only choice if she wanted a family.

She had slept horribly. Every time she finally managed to doze off, her arms decided to wrap themselves around Rachel, who was in her room for the first night in months, and then she was awake again, replaying the fight again in her head. At last, she had managed to fall asleep for three hours straight. Waking up, she had a terrible headache from a lack of sleep. She went to the bathroom to get something against the throbbing pain and then went to the kitchen to get a glass of water to swallow the pill.

"Can we please talk tonight?"

Monica found the note on the fridge. Rachel had to be at work at nine today, so she had left already. Normally Monica would already be up and making breakfast, but she couldn't face seeing Rachel this morning after last night. It seemed however that she couldn't avoid her for long.

Her day at work went horribly slow. There weren't a lot of customers so the kitchen was not as busy as it normally was. Unfortunately, when she didn't have a lot of work, she had a lot of time for her thoughts to wander.

When she finally left to go home, her relief was of short duration. It's not like she was excited to get home when there was another conversation waiting there. Rachel sat at the table waiting for her when she got home. "Hi", Rachel said softly.

"Hi", Monica answered.

"How was work?"

"Horrible. You wanted to talk?", Monica asked, cutting straight to the case.

"Yeah", she stood up, "Look, Mon, I- I can't lose you. I just can't. Can we at least try to figure something out? Please?"

Monica sighed, "Rach, I'm sorry, but I can't. I can't let me do this to myself."

"But what about me? Because I love you. I'm actually in love with you. And it hurts. A lot. Are you saying that you feel completely fine about breaking up with me?", her voice was breaking again.

"When did I ever say that? I've never loved anyone like I love you. But I need to let you go. And any woman would be the luckiest woman alive to be with you."

"I don't want any other woman. I want you!", Rachel exclaimed. Noticing her rising voice, she tried to calm herself down a bit.

"Only because I'm thin now", Monica muttered, but Rachel had caught it. Her mouth fell open.

"What did you just say?"

"Oh, please, like you would have wanted to date me in high school. I was just your fat friend. And as soon as you got to college, you got rid of me. Hell, you didn't even invite me to your wedding", Monica hadn't intended to get into all this, but now it was too late to go back. Rachel, however, began to lose her mind a bit. She couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"That is so not true. I have always found you beautiful", Monica scoffed, but Rachel continued, "You were my best friend. And the only reason I didn't keep in touch with you was because I was embarrassed."

Confusion flickered across Monica's facial features, but she was too tired to get into another fight. "I- I'm sorry, Rach, but I can't do this. I can't have this conversation right now. And I'm sorry, but you're going to have to accept that I can't be with you", she said. She gave Rachel a last look and then turned around, walking to her room.

Rachel watched her walking away from her. With incredulous eyes, she watched her, apparently now ex-, girlfriend close her door. She couldn't let Monica think this about her. She didn't ditch her after high school. And she was so much more than just her 'fat' friend. She went to her own bedroom. Searching under her bed, her hands found her diary. She tore out some pages and went to Monica's room. She knocked and then shoved the papers under the door.

Just as she wanted to say 'go away', she saw papers sliding under her door. She wanted to ignore them, but she was too curious. She stood up from her bed and picked up the papers. Once she was settled on her bed again, she began to inspect them. One side was torn, as if ripped out of a notebook. Every page began with a date. Is this her diary? Why would she give this to me?

She began to read:

19th of June 1988

Oh, my, god! I just had the weirdest dream. In my dream, I was going to prom (which is in 4 days by the way – AH! So excited!). Anyway, so in my dream, I was all dressed up, ready to go to prom. The doorbell rang and I sprinted downstairs, because it was my prom date standing there. I opened the door and I kissed my prom date hello. It all felt super normal and we went inside, but now I'm awake and there is one thing that was not normal at all. It wasn't Chip who stood in front of the door in my dream. Instead, it was Monica. In my dream, my prom date was Monica.

I mean, she is beautiful and funny and so incredibly smart, I can't, but she's a girl. And girls are supposed to date boys. No? Anyway, I just wanted to write this down, because it was so bizarre. I'll be getting ready for school now then.

22nd of June 1988

OMG, tomorrow is prom! I'm so excited! I'm going to go over to Monica to get ready and we're going to go to prom from her place. It's going to be great!

24th of June 1988

This was the shittiest prom ever. Like, really horrible. First, Chip was too late and had me all worried that he had stood me up. Then, we finally get to the prom, but after twenty minutes he has disappeared. I couldn't find him for two hours straight. Apparently, he was having sex with Amy Welsh. I still can't believe it! Needless to say, we broke up.

However shitty this prom was, it was also kind of weird. When I couldn't find Chip, I decided that I might as well just wait at one of those tall tables without chairs, but with snacks on them. While I was eating way too much, I was looking around at all the people who were having the night of their lives. Just like I was supposed to have. And then, my eyes fell on Monica. She was dancing with Roy. She isn't really a great dancer. She doesn't have a lot of rhythm neither does she have a lot of cool moves, but she was the most beautiful person I ever saw dancing. She was completely oblivious to everyone around her and she was just moving to the music in whatever way her body decided to move.

This wasn't the weirdest part, though. The weirdest thing was, that I felt jealousy. I actually felt jealous about the fact that it was Roy dancing with Monica and not me. He was dancing with the most beautiful girl in the whole room and I was just standing here.

Rachel really found her beautiful? I mean, Rachel used to tell her every now and then that she was beautiful, but she always thought it was just because she was being friendly.

June 29th 1988

Monica is leaving on a holiday tomorrow with her family. I'm not going to see her for two weeks. I better get used to it, I guess, since we are both going to different colleges next year.

August 28th 1988

Almost. In two days, I'm leaving for college. It's crazy. I don't feel ready at all. I chose psychology, but honestly, I have no clue why. It's not that I'm super interested in the subject or anything. I just don't know what else I would like to study.

Monica, however, it's insane. She has this clear goal. She wants to become a chef. So, she's going to college and culinary school to realise her dream. She has this whole plan for her life and I just know she's going to be this amazing chef. I admire her so much. And I feel kind of intimidated.

November 24th 1988

It's Thanksgiving today. It's the first time in three months that I see Monica again. When she opened the door, my eyes almost popped out of their sockets. She is so thin. Like, she is beautiful, she always has been, but she has lost this insane amount of weight. She is really happy about it. And I'm happy for her. I'm just also a bit worried about her health. I'm going to keep an eye on her.

Her eyes started to fill with tears. It felt like the twentieth time already today. When she had lost all the weight, everyone just commented how great she looked. How beautiful she is now. How healthy she looked. God, she hated it when people said that. What she had to do to lose all the weight was everything but healthy. If she was being completely honest, she was still recovering from her eating disorder. She still couldn't bear to go onto a scale. She tries to avoid them as much as possible. It's why she doesn't have one at the apartment. Same thing about portions. You will never see her getting a second portion. She is glad she is able to actually enjoy eating the first portion.

Anyway, it feels good to read that someone was actually worried.

May 11th 1999

I think Monica and I are growing apart. It's okay though. I'm going to miss her enormously, but she is better off without me anyway. I changed my college major and I still don't feel like I belong. Meanwhile, Monica is acing her way through college and she's happier than ever. She doesn't need a liability like me. I'm going to give her some distance and in a few weeks, she will have forgotten about me. I'm too embarrassed to keep being friends with her, I will just hold her back. She's going to have an amazing life.

She couldn't believe it. This is why she and Rachel lost contact? She always thought it was because she had way cooler friends than her and that she didn't need her anymore.

She got up and walked to Rachel's room. Taking a deep breath, she knocked on Rachel's door. When Rachel opened the door, her eyes immediately fell on her diary in Monica's hands.

"Thank you, Rach, for letting me read this. It really means a lot to me, I hope you know that", she said in a soft voice, extending the papers to give them back to Rachel.

"I just couldn't let you think those things about me", she took the papers, "Now that you know all of this, does it change things?", Rachel asked, her eyes staying on the papers in her hand, too afraid for the answer to look at Monica.

"I'm sorry", Monica said, Rachel's shoulders sagged and she saw her fighting not to cry, "Come here", she said, spreading her arms. Rachel gratefully fell into them. Her tears were falling yet again. Monica held her tightly and pursed her lips while looking upwards, trying to keep herself from breaking down again. She gently rocked them back and forth.

"If you love me, don't let go", Rachel whispered in the crook of Monica's neck.

"I'm sorry", she said loosening the hug, "I love you, but I have to let you go", she gently tucked Rachel's hair behind her ear and took a few steps backwards. She turned around and went back to her room, her legs felt like they could collapse any time.

"Mon, where is Rachel?", Joey asked. Dinner was served and Monica just went to sit down to eat. She hadn't seen Rachel since last night, but she assumed she was just working late.

"I don't know, working?"

"She wasn't at the coffee shop", Ross shrugged.

"Or maybe- ", Phoebe began, but was cut off by the phone ringing.

"Hello?", Monica picked up.

"Hi, Monica, it's Sandra Green. I'm just calling to let you know that Rachel will be staying here for a couple of days. She wanted a bit of space, but I didn't want you to get worried, so I thought I'd let you know", Rachel's mom spoke into the phone.

"Oh, alright, thanks for letting me know", Monica answered.

"Of course. Have a nice evening, Monica."

"You too Mrs. Green."

The line disconnected.

"Was that Rachel's mom?", Phoebe asked.

Monica turned around, trying to make herself seem like she was totally okay. "Yeah, she just called to let her know that she will be staying with her mom for a couple of days", she said, returning to her place at the table.

"Why?", Chandler asked.

"Oh, uhm, well, she, uh, she is going to help her mom out a bit with the divorce", she thanked her mind for her at least semi-fast thinking. Everyone seemed to buy the excuse. For now at least. She will just have to hold up her façade.

Look at me, 5 chapters in not even three weeks. Surprised myself there :p