Chapter 22- Once Was Lost, But Now Am Found
5 Years Ago, Dawn Island
Ace woke up suddenly to the sound of screaming.
"Wai-What? What?!" He jumped up, arms already in position to throw an instant right hook at the slightest provocation.
However, even as the sleep began to clear from his eyes, he realized that 1) it was the middle of the night, and 2) there was no enemy in his hut, rather the cries were coming from nearby. Rubbing his fist over his eyes he found himself getting irritated. What the heck was going on? If that old drunken hag had downed too many bottles of sake again, he swore he was going to—
Yet, as the cobwebs cleared he realized two more things. 1) Dadan and the bandits had all gone off on some supply trip leaving him and Luffy alone, and 2) that meant that there was only one person the screams could be coming from…
Completely awake now, Ace rushed out of his "country", grabbing his pipe as he went and crossed the "border lines'' into his little brother's territory. Neither he nor Luffy could stand to go back to the treehouse after Sabo's death (it wasn't right to be there in the place they had all built together without him) and so after a short stint with the bandits, he and Luffy had built their own individual "countries" outside where they could still have their independence.
Stepping through the door, he immediately was ready for a fight. Anyone who messed with his little brother, messed with him. He was going to destroy anyone who—
Ace stopped, observing the scene before him all at once. After a moment his arms fell to his sides and he dropped his pipe to the ground. His face twisted with doubt and uncertainty as he bit into his lower lip. Fights, enemies, intruders, threats? He could handle those no problem. Show Portgas D. Ace a target to fight and he'd be there.
But this? This wasn't something he knew quite yet how to handle.
Dropping to his knees he crawled cautiously towards his flailing brother.
Luffy was tossing back and forth, his bedding completely askew, sweat was dripping from his body and he was trembling all over. Every so often he would cry out in terror or call out names in fear, First Sabo, then his, then Sabo's again….
It wasn't the first time that Ace has observed Luffy caught in a nightmare. But it was the first time that he had had to handle it alone without the calmer, more patient middle brother to take the lead as being the main comforter of the two.
Ace wasn't really all that good at such things, having never really had an example to go off of. He always thought of nightmares and night terrors as signs of weakness, that if one was strong enough, man enough, then one wouldn't have something as silly as nightmares.
(Though it wasn't like he didn't have his own. He did. But he always denied it in shame, and no one had ever comforted him, so what was the point?)
So usually it was Sabo who took care of such things while Ace had simply watched on back then, thinking the whole issue a bit sappy but not interfering. Now, he had a similar situation and this time it was only him.
Sighing, he got up and started to head out of the hut. Let the 12-year-old deal with this on his own. He had to grow up eventually, He couldn't baby him. He was going to have to learn to deal with things on his own and—
Coward…
His spine stiffened.
He could hear Sabo's voice censure him harshly as if he was standing right next to him. Taking a deep breath, the freckled boy went back to his tormented little brother's side.
Ya know, it's not fair that you get to get on my case and you're not even here for me to rag on too.
Looking at Luffy awkwardly, he reminded himself to not act as Ace would, but to somehow channel his inner Sabo. Be understanding and gentle, understanding and gentle, understanding and…
He reached for Lu's shoulders and shook him soundly, "Wake up, Lu. You're just having a bad dream. Come on, wake up!"
The boy continued to toss and turn and Ace felt a small trickle of worry. What if it was something serious? What if Luffy had a fever or something? He didn't have any supplies for something like that up here in the mountains! Though if worse came to worst, he could carry Lu down the mountain to Makino's, she'd know what to do. How did one know if it was fever anyway? He knew from experience that it had something to do with feeling the forehead, but for what?
Ace pulled a flailing Luffy over to him, and holding him down as best as he could, he touched his forehead and didn't really feel anything. He went back to trying to shake the kid, a sliver of worry beginning to set in.
"Luffy, wake up! It's just a bad dream! Come on…"
Suddenly, the 12-year-old sat up, nearly crashing his face into the elder's. "NO! ACE!"
His eyes snapped open and were blown wide, cold sweat glimmering in the shadowed moonlight. Ace tapped his face to get his attention but it didn't seem to work. He knelt by his side and let him calm his breathing. His body continued to shudder and he didn't seem to truly realize Ace was there quite yet, despite having just loudly called his name. He waited for a few moments to see if anything would change, but the rubber boy only continued to breathe haphazardly, his gaze haunted.
Feeling a bit unsure of what to do in this circumstance, Ace asked offhandedly, "What was that, Lu? You woke me up with all that noise."
When he got no answer, the teen sighed with a bit of annoyance. If his brother was going to take the time to wake him from sleep because of a silly nightmare, he could have the decency to at least say something. Well, he had tried talking and being patient. He had tried to do things Sabo's way, didn't work, time to go.
He started to get up, "Well, get some sleep. We have to hunt for breakfast tomorrow and then we'll go down and see Makino. You'd like that, right?"
Still no answer.
Getting even more annoyed, Ace didn't say anymore and turned away to go back to his place and go back to sleep. Stupid, aggravating little brothers—
"NO!"
The cry was loud and sharp and stopped Ace in his tracks. Looking back, he saw Luffy's eyes on him and what he saw in them, had him slowly kneeling back down again. Once he had, Luffy looked away, seemingly slightly ashamed of the plea for help, his voice was now low and muffled.
"P-Please, don't go…"
The 12 year-old wrapped his lanky arms around himself, before he looked up with a smile. "I-I'm being a silly idiot, I know, but i-if you could just stay there, for a moment? Please? I promise I won't even eat any of your food tomorrow!"
Okay, now Ace was concerned. Lu begged him about stupid stuff all the time, but this sounded different, and he didn't like it. Also, Luffy's smiles were legendary. They never failed to brighten any situation. However, every once in a blue moon, when Luffy for one reason or another attempted to fabricate a smile, those fake smiles were more chilling than anything.
And so seeing this fake smile that his brother had pasted on his face made it clear there was something very wrong.
His first instinct was to bluntly demand what exactly was wrong, but at the last minute he kept his mouth closed. His little brother didn't need anyone snapping at him. He'd learned over time doing this on his own, that that seemed to make the situation worse in these kinds of cases.
Okay then, what should he do?
As he thought hard about how to handle this, he noticed that Luffy, while trying to avoid looking at him, was almost shivering, his fingers twitching nervously as he held onto his own body tight. What was up with that?
He hadn't seen Luffy like this, almost ever and he was at a loss. And so, as he often did, he once again tried to think of what his twin would do in this situation.
Years ago, when Lu had had nightmares, his first instinct was to punch him away and tell him to shut up and stop being a scaredy crybaby, but Sabo had stopped him. Instead, he had woken Luffy up carefully and when the boy blubbered incoherently and clung to him with his rubbery arms, he had just held him . Held him close, telling him everything was alright and that he was safe until Lu had finally fallen asleep in peace. It was a bit cheesy but—
Ace's eyes went wide with the sudden realization. Looking at his little brother's huddled figure, he realized what the boy wanted to do but now was trying his best to rein himself back, considering what he wanted was something that Ace usually rebuffed. The now very obvious reason why his fingers and arms keep twitching and he seemed to be holding onto himself for dear life.
The 15-year-old gulped silently but decided to kill his own self-doubts. This wasn't about him. Luffy needed him. He was the protector of his family, and that didn't just mean simply from the everyday physical threats. As much as he was a novice in the area, what kind of big brother could he be if he couldn't be there for his brother in all ways, even the emotional kind?
Sitting fully on the ground, Ace relaxed himself and pulled down his walls fully before opening up his arms in clear invitation. He touched the little boy's bowed straw hat and watched as his teary brown eyes jumped up to meet his own.
Not able to maintain eye contact, he looked off to the side even as he motioned with his hand, his voice a soft rumble. "Come on, Lu…"
The boy's eyes widened in shock before welling up. Ace automatically braced himself as the ebon-haired boy thrust himself into his open arms. The rubbery limbs clinging to him tightly, finally able to find what they really needed. He smiled tenderly before closing his arms around his brother in comfort. He felt a bit awkward as he rarely offered hugs himself, but if it was for Luffy, he guessed it was alright.
Hey, if Sabo could do it, so could he.
Luffy nuzzled and sniffed against his chest and Ace just continued to hold him, letting him get whatever he needed out of the physical contact. If his brother needed his presence, he didn't really mind. Luffy was a crybaby, but he was his crybaby now. Sabo had left him to him and so he would do his best.
After a few more moments of crying, he felt the younger boy squirm around a bit and thought he was asking to be allowed to get up. However, when he released his embrace, Luffy's tight grasp didn't loosen. Rather he seemed to have just changed the position of his head so that his ear was firmly planted against his chest.
His eyes were scrunched tight with concentration.
"Luffy, what are you—"
"Shh!"
Did this little brat just shush him?
He was about to tell him off when he noticed that his brow was scrunched up in concentration even while his eyes were still closed. He then noticed that his breathing was beginning to match his and that the younger was noting each rise and fall of his chest intently.
Thoroughly confused, he simply sat there as Lu, while still keeping his hold tight on him, climbed slightly up his body (the height difference between the two was getting rather obvious) and placed a feeling hand against his neck.
It took Ace a moment to realize that he was searching for his pulse.
Why? He had no idea. What was with him? Why did he have to be so darn weird—
Patience, Ace…
Okay, okay it wasn't that big of a deal. When they had slept in the treehouse, there wasn't a day that he didn't find a rubber limb somehow tangled up around him. So, taking a deep breath he let the little monkey continue to climb over him as he wanted.
It took Lu only a moment to find it, and once he did he laid his forehead against the crook of his neck, seeming just to allow it to thrum against his skin.
Ace just sighed and took it, glad that the boy had finally settled. At least he should be able to get a solid explanation now.
And yet he spoke too soon.
After another minute, Luffy jumped up once again and shuffled around his body, this time facing him directly (for being a kid made of rubber, those sharp bones in his knees and elbows sure did make an impact). This time though, he settled once again on his chest, this time on the left side listening to his torso once again. This time though, Ace could figure out what the other boy was looking for.
He found the older teen's heartbeat nearly right away. As he listened to the constant rhythm, the sound of it seemed to finally allow him to relax.
Smiling softly, Lu seemed to unwind and relax, nearly instantly becoming drowsy, snuggling close.
Okay, No. No. Luffy was not using him as a pillow. Again.
He shook the boy soundly, "Lu, Luffy! Come on! You've got your own place to sleep, And not on me."
The boy shook his head and tried to bury himself even closer. His voice was tired, but still small. "Please Ace? Just tonight? Just to keep the nightmares away?"
The vulnerability that was very much present in that entreaty, caused Ace's annoyance to once again soften. Instead he laid a hand on his brother's head hesitantly hoping that it would be in some way a comfort.
"You wanna talk about it now?"
At first Luffy shook his head, but then almost immediately he switched to a less-than-enthusiastic nod.
He spoke quietly, "I…I dreamed about Sabo…"
Ace grimaced. He had figured that. But he had thought that Luffy had gotten better after all this time. Maybe it was because the anniversary of his death was coming soon.
Luffy continued. "This time, Sabo got trapped in a fire. The fire at Gray Terminal. The one that we set!"
Ace looked away, a sliver of guilt rising up again. "Luffy you know that, that was all—"
However the younger boy wasn't done. "And then you went in after him! But the fire was too big! And it ate you both up! You both died and I couldn't do anything but watch!"
He felt the moisture of his brother's tears once again.
"A-A-And I was all alone again. And it was all my fault!" At this point, the sound of Lu's muffled sobs became quite obvious.
The gray-eyed teen sighed. So that was it.
Carefully but firmly, he worked to dislodge his limpet brother from his side and lifted him up so that could look directly into his watery baby brown eyes.
"Lu, listen to me." He spoke authoritatively, "It was just a dream. Sabo didn't die in that fire and neither did I. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. Besides, I promised you I wasn't going to die. You really think I would die to some measly flames?"
Luffy sniffed and sniffled. "Oh I know that now. You have the bees of life."
Okay, that was a new one.
He raised an eyebrow in confusion. "What?"
"The bees of life. When I was first learning to hunt, Sabo taught me how to find them. He said—" and suddenly Luffy did an amazing voice impression of Sabo's weird accent. "'Do you feel that Luffy? Those are the bees of life. If you can feel all those things, or even just one of them, there's still life there. Death hasn't won yet.'"
Ace chuckled, Okay, now everything was beginning to make sense.
"Beats, Luffy. 'Beats of Life'."
Lu nodded, "Yeah, that's what I said."
Breathing, Pulse, Warmth, and Heartbeat. These rhythmic indicators that Sabo had used early on to teach Luffy the difference between a dead animal, and one that was simply incapacitated.
Those had been what Luffy had been looking for. He had been searching Ace's body for proof of life. To make sure that he wasn't still in the nightmare.
That his big brother was still there.
That he wasn't alone.
Letting out a purposefully exasperated sigh, the raven pulled the straw hat boy back down toward his chest and the sound of the heartbeat that had given him peace of mind.
Luffy immediately clung on and snuggled back against him.
He pushed aside some of Luffy stuff and settled on the sleeping mat, making it comfortable for the two of them. "Fine…just tonight. Got it?"
He felt his little brother nod before yawning and curling up, and dropping almost immediately into sleep.
Ace smiled before shaking his head and closing his eyes, his consciousness finally being allowed to seek repose.
Hey, Bo? One day I'm gonna pay you back for leaving me to take care of our high-maintenance little brother all by myself. Ya got that?
Present Day, Amazon Lily
Ace breathed out heavily as he tried to catch his breath, even despite the smile on his face. He could feel the exhaustion in his body beginning to make itself known and he could tell that using his flames had been a mistake. His stamina was draining and his haki was hanging on by a thread, despite all the training he'd been doing with Rayleigh in Styx.
And yet in spite of all that, he felt an exhilaration that he hadn't felt in a long time. It felt great finally being able to be active again, the thrill of a fight again! Though of course he wished that he didn't have to fight against Jinbe at all. He sobered at the reminder of the heavy bandages he saw wrapped around the Fishman warrior showing how wounded he still was after two weeks. Marco told him how he had used his body to shield his little brother. Similar to how he himself had done so, but that was his duty, Jinbe was a veritable stranger to Luffy. He owed the whale shark male so much.
On top of that, to hear the sound of Jinbe's cold outrage when he had first shown up and not recognized him, followed by his sobs and emotional acknowledgment once he did…
Ace hadn't thought a lot on what his return from the dead would mean to those who were close to him that weren't his immediate family, say nothing about the world as a whole. And now he was beginning to see that it wasn't going to be as easy as simply saying "hey guys, I'm alive now!"
Everything was so complicated.
He sighed, but that was something he would deal with at a later time. Right now, while he respected and cared dearly for Jinbe and was happy that he'd looked after his brother for him in his absence, what he had to do now was something that he needed to do alone.
Ace looked to the shadowed surroundings and the enormous cloud barrier that surrounded them and thanked Schaden for his interference. A prolonged fight would have only exhausted him, and Lu was mentally stressed enough.
He still couldn't understand the strange language of Ange's shadow wraith friend, but the purple eyes had been able to communicate (quite angrily) through indicative motion and meaningful stares, that he needed to concentrate on his number one priority.
And suddenly with just having Lu in sight, everything else dropped away and he became laser-focused. He had gotten a brief glimpse of him before, but had quickly been distracted with Jinbe. Now, at this moment, the world narrowed to just the two of them in this singular place in time. Right now he only had eyes and time for one other person.
Taking a deep breath, he slowly turned around to face the only other person in with him in this shadowy hollow–the one person who had yet to move at all since he had appeared.
Ace felt his heart immediately lighten at simply being able to finally see him in flesh. Hearing that he was alive was one thing, but finally being able to seehim standing there alive for the first time since the Marineford battlefield, was another.
Now that they were face to face, Ace felt his mouth go dry, not knowing what to say. Should he apologize? Should he ask how Luffy was doing? Should he ask how the weather was?
His words were failing him once again. And Luffy wasn't making it much easier. Usually he wouldn't have to be the one to start things off, Lu could talk a mile a minute without him to help. However, nothing of the kind this time. In fact, strangely enough there wasn't really much of anything at all.
He's much too still…too quiet…
That was the first thought that came to Ace's mind as he came closer and watched his little brother's features becoming clearer with each step. The boy's form was shadowed. His skin, what he could see of it, was sickly pale, nowhere near the sunkissed tone that he was used to. He looked as if he was halfway between rising and standing, his lanky body in a shaky wide-legged crouching stance. However, other than some ragged breathing that even the elder could hear from where he was, the younger made no move…no sound…no anything…
It was as if his body was immobilized, frozen in place.
Luffy didn't even seem to notice Schaden or his form causing the murky change of setting. His eyes were only on Ace himself, snot and tears drying upon his face, those wide-eye brown orbs were blown somehow even wider, taking up a huge amount of the kid's face. It made him look even younger than his already minuscule 17 years. Ace had expected shock, surprise, even anger at his appearance, as well as for his brother to in some way or another, have been all over him by now in that bouncy, clingy Luffy way.
Instead, seeing Luffy so quiet and inert felt unnatural. He didn't move, his body was trembling slightly, but he didn't make a step forward or away, staying frozen to the ground. Usually, his brother spoke a mile a minute, but now he was stuck silent, and it was very off-putting.
The 20 year-old stopped a few meters away and took some time to observe his little brother's physical status. That Trafalgar doctor's words still repeated in his head as he took in all that Luffy's body had gone through simply to fight and rescue the one who should have been looking after him instead.
His gray eyes were drawn to his brother's wounds, roving over each one. He could now see evidence of how the war had scarred him. So much suffering his brother had taken on his account…
And yet, he also noticed the presence of fresh new ones that should NOT be there.
Bruises, cuts, and abrasions were beginning to cover the teen's body, and his knuckles were freshly bloodied and split. He had been covered from head to toe in bandages. Ace felt his fear and concern deepen more and more as he noticed many were already quite dirty, had come undone, and many were already stained scarlet with blood! The doctor's words came back to him.
'If StrawHat's wounds reopen, he'll die. Simple as that.'
He thankfully looked like he caught the kid in time, but he needed to get Luffy back to a doctor to be treated now. Anything else could wait. Nothing else was more important than his life.
He moved forward, his hand out to take his brother by the arm. "Lu, let's ge—"
"DON'T!"
The sudden outcry stopped Ace in place, and he could only look at his brother's huddled form perplexed.
Luffy was breathing even harder, his teeth grinding against each other. His face was crumpled in anguish. What was going on with him? Ace went to come forward again, only for this time Lu finally began to respond—by moving a step backward.
This time he stopped entirely. What was going on? Jinbe was one thing, but of all people he expected Luffy to recognize him?
He reached out once again imploringly, "Hey Lu….it's me…it's Ace."
Luffy felt like one of those building block sets he'd seen as other kids play with as a child. Like all the pieces that had once been him, had split apart and then put back together in some haphazard fashion. And then just when he had thought everything might be steady and he had put together some semblance of himself again, a block had been knocked once more out of the foundation and everything had once again come tumbling down.
What was real? What was false? He had been so good at being able to tell. Yet now, everything was so mixed-up!
One minute he was in a mountainous jungle, the next he was on an ashen battlefield.
One second no one was there, the next Akainu stood before him with a fist covered in molten lava.
One moment his hand was clean, the next it was stained with blood. His brother's blood…!
Ugh! He had tried his best. Nearly beaten himself black and blue to get the images out of his brain! To make sense of it all in some way. But his stupid rubber body was resilient and the nightmarish visions would not go away!
After an unknown amount of time trying to wrestle with hallucinations and illusions, the pain had finally begun to seep through and he was able to begin to get a small grasp on reality.
And yet that reality wasn't one that could be possible. His big brother couldn't be dead. He couldn't! He'd promised! Ace had never broken a promise to him. Never!
And yet everything was beginning to point to it. His body could remember the feel of Ace's warm, wet body in his arms. His hands could remember the sensation of Ace's charred flesh against his fingertips. His face could remember the whisper of Ace's breath against his face as he spoke words of love and happiness and gratitude.
His body remembered even if his brain was too afraid to.
And so when Jinbe finally found him and his presence along with the pain provided a bit of a steady anchor for him to mentally grab onto, he was able to push most of the visions away and cut right to the grimy, agonizing truth. A truth his psyche was still trying its best to shy away from.
He didn't want to have to face it! Why did he have to?! It wasn't fair! He promised!
Anger burned in the place of confusion and he raged blindly. Jinbe tried to talk to him, but he wasn't ready to listen. It just couldn't be! It had to be a dream! Another horrible, horrible dream!
But Luffy was a D. and Ds rarely could run from the truth for long.
The anger broke down quickly and all that was left was burgeoning grief. He knew what the Fishman was going to say. Had known it deep down inside.
And yet…he just couldn't!
He couldn't be the one to clinch it. It would be like killing Ace himself. If Ace was dead, it was his fault. And he didn't know if he could live with that. He was splintering but he wouldn't…couldn't shatter himself.
And so he had begged the older male to do it for him. To confirm his greatest fear and finish him. He deserved it after all. It was like he was himself on that execution stand just waiting for the fatal blow. In fact, that would probably be a mercy compared to this torture.
And yet, despite the depths of his anguish, a small, childish part of him still was hoping for the Fishman to deny it. To tell him that he was wrong and Ace was alive and healing somewhere. A part of him couldn't stop hoping. And it would stay alive for as long as he stayed whole.
It was why he had to have Jinbe finish the job. To break him to the point where even that small piece of hope was extinguished. To be the executioner's blade coming down across his spirit's metaphorical neck.
And yet, it never came.
Rather, Luffy's world once again got tossed upside down by a single spoken word.
His brother's voice called out to him from the clearing and the moment he saw the cloaked figure in the distance, he instantly recognized his brother's outline.
That small part of him roared to life.
Only to get subsequently doused in fear and doubt.
It couldn't be Ace.
Ace wasn't here.
But what if he was?
But everything he'd seen and heard hadn't been a dream…right?
Maybe it had all been a horrible joke?
But Ace would never joke like that with him…would he?
Maybe he was seeing things again?
But he thought he'd fixed that already!
Yet what if it WAS Ace?
But….then why had he done this to him? Why had he left him like this?
No. It had to be a trick. His mind was playing tricks on him again.
But what if…?
And back and forth his mind would go. Luffy was barely aware of the confrontation that was happening in front of him, or the fact that he had been separated from the rest of the outside world by an inter-dimensional shadow being. And before he knew it, "Ace" was standing before him.
Luffy could only look at him, not sure what was going on anymore. He thought he had gotten rid of the illusions, but now he wasn't quite sure.
And yet,in spite of that, he still had Ace's face…his eyes…his presence even…
Could it be…?
But how could he be sure?
It could be a trick.
But…
"Ace" spoke to him again, calling his name with Ace's voice.
He took a step forward towards him, but Luffy wasn't sure. His mind had already tricked him so many times!
The problem with hope is that it is both resilient and fragile. If this was actually his brother, nothing else would matter. He'd ardently run into his arms and never let go. But if it wasn't…if this was a trick….
He feared he wouldn't just shatter this time. He'd lose himself completely. No up, no down, no left, no right, no Monkey D. Luffy, no King of the Pirates, no StrawHat Captain, nothing. Everything that made him who he was would be consumed.
And so because he wasn't sure, he fled instead.
There was a way to get rid of hallucinations. Maybe he just hadn't tried hard enough.
Ace watched his brother continue to back away from him, his eyes staring back at him like that of a frightened fawn.
It stung. Luffy had never looked at him that way before, not even when they had first met and Ace had tried his best to kill him.
And yet the more mature part of him told him to look closer and reminded him of all that his brother had been through. The doctor has spoken about trauma and Luffy's fragile mental state. This wasn't about him. His little brother needed help in more ways than one.
This time he held his hands out both placatingly and non-threateningly as if trying to calm a frightened animal.
He spoke softly, gently. "Lu…it's okay. It's gonna be okay. I'm here. It's me. I came back."
Luffy, still breathing heavily, shook his head back and forth before suddenly turning tail and running away!
Ace could only watch him, wondering where the heck he was going? He was pretty sure Schaden's barrier was meant to not let things in or out. Or at least he thought so.
However, Luffy wasn't aiming for the barrier, but instead the boulder a few feet away.
Okay, not what he would have expected. What did he want with a boulder?
He got his answer as Luffy with his already bloody, split, and barely bandaged anymore fists, began to punch the boulder straight on. The rock cracked from the force, but the boy only continued to swing away.
Ace looked at him in confusion and growing anger. What was he doing? Why was he intentionally harming himself for no reason? There were much better ways to get rid of overflowing emotions than to punch things. Marco had reminded him of that many a time over the years.
He crossed his arms, he instinctively went into his disapproving elder sibling voice. "Luffy, stop that. It won't solve anything. Now come over here while I'm talking to you."
However, to his horror, rather than stop, the kid did the opposite and instead of his fists, his baby brother began to bash his forehead against the stone.
Blood immediately began to drip down his head and it triggered him. The elder raven immediately moved in alarm to intervene. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! Stop it, Lu!"
His speed and maneuverability were hampered from the fact that he had to run via armament haki hardening, and the little sunspot instinctively managed to outmaneuver outside of his grasp. But Ace wasn't even phased and used his logia powers (sorry, Ange!) to extend his arms allowing his flames to surround his brother's body and draw him in.
The pain was minimal but it had the desired effect as he brought the wriggling, self-harming little imp into his grasp.
"It's okay, it's okay, I've got you." He spoke as soothingly as he could to the squirming little brother who was trying his best to escape his hold.
Luffy tried to fight back desperately, limbs moving all over the place, elbows, fists, and knees trying to strike anything that they could. He was very much uncoordinated, his mind in a bit of a flustered frenzy. But even then his brother was a trained and true fighter and his body's muscle memory was still very much in play. But Ace was also that and then some, and even though he wasn't nearly as strong as he had been, he was familiar enough with Luffy's movements that he could handle his erratic flailing.
Pulling him away from the rock he dragged him over to a tree that he could lean against for support. "Come on, Luffy. It's me. It's me! I know this is a bit of a shock but I can't let you keep hurting yourself like that. Now are you gonna tell me what's wrong? You know you can tell me anything, right? Come on, Lu…"
This doesn't seem to calm the younger and he continues to struggle, but Ace had learned patience in the last decade. Eventually, the flailing slowed down to give way instead to shuddering. Suddenly he heard the sound of sniffling and he was concerned at the fact that Luffy was now crying.
He was about to once again plead for him to speak to him when he heard the faintest of whispers.
"Please…"
Ace was taken aback by how broken the small voice sounded…how defeated.
"Please stop…I can't take anymore. Please stop…."
The older couldn't see the other's face, and Lu refused to look at him and was instead leaning over, his face turned away toward the ground.
Ace took a shuddering breath himself as he pushed himself to be strong. He'd heard Lu beg and whine before—for food, attention, and other random knick-knacks—but never like this. It barely even sounded like his joyous sunbeam who had nearly singlehandedly brought light and life to his life.
Looking down at the bowed head of limp, lifeless black hair, he spoke in still, low tones, "Lu…talk to me…'stop' what?"
The cries turned into sobs and he felt hot moisture drip onto his skin. "S-Stop…please! Please go away. I can't take this…sob…"
Ace frowned inwardly but kept his voice steady and conversational, "You want me to leave?"
Luffy nodded at first before shaking his head just as rapidly, only to go back to nodding.
He calmly raised an eyebrow, "It doesn't look like you're sure."
The rubber boy truthfully shook his head. "I...gasp...I know you're d-dead. Really I do…and I know it's my fault."
This broke through the calm and Ace felt surprise take hold. "What? What are you talking about, you idiot?"
Luffy continued to speak to his brother's "ghost", "mirage", whatever…he was done making sense of it. He always could talk to Ace, even one that wasn't truly there.
His voice rose higher even though it was becoming garbled by his cries. "I-It's all my fault! I… sob …I was too weak! I said… gasp …I promised I would save you! And I FAILED! And now! sob …And now, you're haunting me and I can't tell what's real anymore and now I have no one and all I can see is your blood all over my hands and it WON'T COME OFF!"
His fists were balled up so tight they became white. He began to keen pitifully like a wounded animal, "...I-I-It won't come off…."
He then completely devolved into all-out bawling and now the only thing that was holding him up was Ace's arms.
The man instinctively held the teen closer, keeping him secured in his arms as he wept and whimpered. However his ashen eyes were wide with worry as he tried to figure out what to do.
Luffy didn't think he was real.
More than that, his little brother thought that what had happened had been his fault.
What?
The pyromancer was at a loss. Why would he ever think that?!
Protecting Luffy had always been his job, his right, his privilege, and his choice. Akainu had been about to kill his brother. He hadn't had a second thought. He would do it again if necessary. The idea that Luffy would blame himself had never crossed his mind.
However, remembering how it happened…thinking outside of himself and what his brother would have probably felt and seen and experienced, as well as the way Luffy's mind worked, he guessed that perhaps he should have…
His first impulse would be to quickly disabuse his brother of such a notion, but before he could even do that, he had to make Luffy understand that he was real and alive and not some trick played on him because of insurmountable trauma. Unless he proved to Luffy that he was alive and that he was real, then anything else would go nowhere. But how to do that?
Ace wracked his brain to think of how best to get through to his little brother. Simply telling him the truth point blank hadn't worked. He needed something else. Something more.
Luffy was done.
He'd done his best, but he didn't have anything else left in him to deal with this. He never liked to admit defeat, but he didn't know what else to do. It was hard to fight against your own head. So, for once, he just did nothing. He just let himself go.
Whoever it was that was holding him up simply continued to do so even as he let the tears flow. They stayed that way for a time before the arms that held him began to lead him to settle on the ground. Hands reach up towards his face and begin to wipe away at the tears, cleaning his face silently and caringly.
Luffy sniffed, he wasn't sure if he was done crying yet, but that didn't seem to matter to the warm hands that kept to their task. Eventually once done, and wiping his palms against the ground, those same hands came up and covered his eyes, plunging him into darkness.
Immediately he began to resist, to try to move away and see again, but a voice hushed him gently.
"Luffy…can you hear me?"
He sniffled in response. It was that voice again. His voice.
His breathing began to quicken again and panic began to once again set in, but those strong hands kept hold of him, fingers caressing against his skin tenderly.
"Shshshshsh….it's okay. I've got you. Just breathe, okay. Can you do that for me?"
Even though his entire being was in a muddle, that voice continued to have the desired effect on some intrinsic part of him, and he began to calm at the dulcet tones.
"There you go…you're doing great, Lu. Now, I need you to simply feel…don't try to see with your eyes or think with your brain…just breathe and feel. Can you do that for me?"
Relaxing fully, he nodded in return. If "Ace" wasn't going to go away, he might as well see what he had to say.
One hand stayed over his eyes, but another began to move and turn his body. He was pretty listless at this point so there was no resistance. There was a pause for a second before he could hear the sound of cloth tearing.
"Ya know, when we were kids, we would go hunting all the time. We'd make a lot of kills to eat everyday. We saw a lot of death back then. Do you remember what death feels like?"
Hysteria began to bubble back up to the surface and Luffy once again tried to gain the energy to move away. He didn't like this. He didn't want this!
But the caressing hands returned and the hushing, calming, and coddling came back and went to work soothing him once again. "It's okay, it's okay…it's going to be okay, Lu. You trust me, right?"
He nodded even as a few tears began to return. At this point, he didn't have a reason not to. The voice was very convincing.
After he had calmed down once again, the hand that wasn't against his eyes, turned his head and he felt the side of his head placed against a new warm fleshy surface, the person's chest most likely.
His voice spoke again. "Now I want you to just feel…to listen. What do you sense?"
Luffy decided that wasn't a big deal and so he did as he was asked and listened.
Silence…
HAAAHHH…
WHOOSSHHH…
Silence.
HAAAHHH…
WHOOSSHHH…
Silence.
The deliberate sound of air rushing in and out as lungs inflated and deflated in steady succession filled his ears. The sound of breathing.
His own cycle of ventilation began to match with the rhythm and made him feel more at ease, almost at home at the vibration of the sound.
"Ace" spoke again, the rumble of his voice very evident against his skin. "Do you feel that?"
He nodded his head, not yet wanting to speak and interrupt the sounds.
"Lu, when something dies, does it still draw breath?"
A bit of a niggle was sparked in the back of his head, He'd heard something like that before, Or had said it himself? He wasn't quite sure. Whatever it was, it was giving him a feeling of nostalgia.
All the same, he shook his head. He knew what a dead animal felt like. He knew that upon death the cycle of inspiration and expiration ceased.
"Do you hear me breathing?"
He nodded his head.
The hand then began to shift and move him again and he instantly began to moan and complain from being removed from the warm comfortable surface.
He could hear "Ace" laugh. "Come on Lu, stop mewling like a kitten."
Luffy didn't bother to respond and felt his head being placed gently against the crook of the other's neck, his forehead pressed deliberately against the skin.
Almost immediately he felt a strange steady thump pulsing against his temple. What was that?
"Do you feel that, Lu?"
He nodded. It was weird and yet the steady thrum felt strangely…oh what's the word…
Reassuring. Yeah, that was it.
"That's my pulse."
Ah, so that's what it was. It felt so familiar…
"Did any of those crocodiles and tigers we used to skin and sell have a pulse, Luffy?"
He remembered having to do that arduous task and how Sabo and Ace would constantly get on him for getting distracted and lollygagging. He had to do even more when it was just him and Ace. And yet all that time he'd never run into one that had a pulse after all that.
So he shook his head in response.
"What about warmth? Am I warm enough for you?"
He nodded vigorously. The heat he felt emanating wasn't too hot, and yet it was toasty and along with the darkness that he had gotten used to, he wanted to curl up and sleep if not-Ace would just let him!
However, it was not to be. This time he nearly did hiss like a cat as he was moved once again.
"Okay, okay. Only one more time."
He was moved around this time back against "Ace's" chest, but now was turned the opposite way, and closer to his left side.
Luffy immediately tried to curl up again, but instead he was moved up a little more and told to once again listen.
Sighing, he nuzzled his head closer and pricked up his ears.
The sound he heard this time had actually been there the whole time in the background. He had unconsciously been filtering it out as he concentrated on all the other sensations. However, now that he was closer to the source and had to turn his full attention to it, it was actually rather loud.
LUB-DUB
LUB-DUB
LUB-DUB
LUB-DUB…
The sound was consistent with what he felt from the pulse from before, but this time it felt larger. And also very familiar. Luffy didn't need anyone to tell him what that sound meant.
"Do you hear my heartbeat, Lu?"
He nodded again. He could hear it.
His eyes were still blinded but he could feel the one holding him, leaning forward. The voice whispered knowingly into his other ear.
"Put it all together Luffy. We both know you're the most intuitive person I know. Don't let your head get in the way, or even your feelings. What does all this tell you?"
The seventeen year-old didn't really want to think, but he had always been curious. What was not-Ace trying to show him?
Breathing…
Pulse…
Warmth…
Heartbeat…
'Do you feel that Luffy? Those are the beats of life. If you can feel all those things, or even just one of them, there's still life there. Death hasn't won yet.'
Beats of life…
Proof that life still existed…
That was what his not-big brother had been trying to tell him.
Proof that…
That…
His body began to tremble and his own pulse began to race as his brain began to put all the clues together.
That damned voice spoke once again into his ear, as if knowing that he was finally beginning to figure it all out.
His warm breath tickled his skin, "Death still hasn't won, Luffy."
Suddenly the hand that had been suppressing his sense of sight was taken away and the rapid return of light from darkness nearly blinded him. His eyes immediately squinted closed in an attempt to adjust.
After a few moments, he was finally able to ease them open blinkingly. The light still made it hard to see, but gradually from out of the blaze of light a very familiar visage was looking down amusingly at him.
Silver ash eyes met his own. "Hey."
All sense of sleepiness and comfort vanished and all he could think was that he had to get up. He needed to get away. He needed to see. He needed space!
Luffy struggled and fought against the hands holding him and this time those arms let him go. Jumping up, he quickly scurried away gaining a few meters distance.
Breathing heavily, his body and heart shaky, his eyes wide and dilated, he stared at the young man opposite of him, still sitting on the ground watching him. He hadn't vanished.
He wiped at his eyes with the sides of his hands to see if anything would change.
He was still there.
His mind whispered that it was a trick, an illusion, a dream, a nightmare…
But this not-Ace—maybe-Ace?!—had a heartbeat and could breathe, and was warm.
There was life here somewhere! He knew it! None of the fakes had ever had that before!
The flames of hope began to ignite even brighter and grow, and yet Luffy was afraid.
He hated being afraid. He hated it, but it was nonetheless true.
He feared this man in front of him more than any other he had ever faced in his life.
Both untold life and untold destruction lay teetering on the edge of a knife. He could go one way or the other.
For the first time, he looked, really looked, at the supposed brother in front of him.
This Ace looked different than all the other times he had "seen" him. He wasn't bloody or dirty or beaten or worn. His skin wasn't as toned as it had once been and he lacked a lot of the muscle that Luffy was used to seeing on his stronger big brother. He wasn't even wearing the clothes that he always did.
His hat and dagger that he'd gotten him as a sailing away present for his 17th birthday were of course gone. None of his visions had shared those. But his red beads, black shorts, and elbow brace were gone. He wasn't shirtless either. (He also didn't have a hole in him anymore either.) Rather he was wearing a torn plain gray t-shirt (so that's why he had been able to feel his actual flesh and heartbeat underneath), and jeans under his cloak. In fact the only thing "Ace" was wearing that was familiar, was the brown belt with the red 'A' belt buckle.
Why was this one so different from all the others? The fact that he didn't look like that damned last time he had seen him, caused his breath to hitch.
This Ace's heart still beats.
This Ace still drew breath. Even now, he could see his chest still rising up and down calmly.
This Ace was healed somehow, no longer with a gaping hole in his chest that had scarred his mind's eye.
This Ace was full of life…not courting death.
Could it be?
Could it really be?
His foot took an unintentional step forward before he stopped himself. His limbs were trembling so much that he had to hold them close to his chest.
But the dark part of him kept him back. The image of a white haired boy with blue eyes and his own face that reminded him of how weak he was and how everything was his fault, caused him to hesitate.
The real Ace would forgive him. He would make everything better no matter how much he had messed up or how weak he was. He'd tease him and call him a weakling, but he would never reject him because of it. He had always been strong enough for the both of them.
But if this wasn't the real Ace, then…
He couldn't risk it. He had to be sure.
Desperation filled his voice as he spoke fiercely through his already abused throat. "If you're really…if you're really Ace…please…tell me…tell me something only the real Ace would know!"
Maybe-Ace had been sitting quietly the entire time, watching him silently and calmly, letting Luffy have his space to try his best to figure things out. At this drastic plea, he seemed to let out a steadying breath before slowly getting to his feet. Luffy was too intent on the man's verbal answer to notice that his legs were beginning to shake and his brow had a sheen of sweat.
After maybe-Ace had gotten up, Luffy instinctively took a step back. The elder didn't follow, only holding his ground. He put a hand to his hip before looking up calmly in thought.
"Something the real me would know, huh?"
He then turned his dark intense eyes to his brother's, looking into them head on. "When we first met, I hated you."
Luffy trembled but didn't move. It was the truth, even if the younger him hadn't been quite as astute.
Maybe-Ace continued. "The very first time I met you, I spit on you. I wanted to kill you. I tried my best to do so, even though you seemed to annoyingly survive at every turn."
He let out a slight laugh before looking down with a smile in remembrance, "I hadn't even killed anyone before. I had asked Sabo to do it, but he hadn't before either. And you just kept going on and on about us being your friends."
The younger raven swallowed as he listened.
Maybe-Ace sighed, "And then there was the whole incident with Porchemy. How you were such an idiot and let them torture you for hours, just because we were your friends…I never forgave myself for taking so long to go after you."
Luffy took a step forward ready to tell him that there was nothing to forgive, but in the end forced himself to hold his tongue.
The older raven shrugged before looking back up at the younger, "But I don't regret the end result. You said you needed me around…that you felt better with me there. And then I asked you a question that changed everything for me."
Luffy felt moisture begin to well in his eyes as he mouthed the words from memory at the same time as Ace spoke them.
"'Do you want me to be alive?'...and you just said 'of course', like it was the simplest thing in the world." His ashen gray eyes glistened softly. "I told you on that battlefield that I wouldn't have even had the will to live if it hadn't been for you and Sabo. You don't know how much your simple answer meant to me."
Tears once again fell down the rubber boy's cheeks, he bit his lip as the memory flashed in his head.
Ace took a shaky deep breath before continuing. "I remember how much fun we had, the three of us. Even when I kept having to fish you out of nearly every wild beast in the jungle." He laughed, "I remember how much of a worrywart you were when I snuck into Dadan's room to steal that bottle of sake when we made our vow to each other, and how mad she was when she found it missing the next day."
A broken laugh escaped Luffy's throat as he remembered the big woman chasing the three of them all over the place to teach them a lesson about stealing her liquor, as well as complaining about how she was going to explain to Garp that his grandsons had been underage drinking.
Ace sighed and looked up toward the sky, "I remember the last words I told Sabo before his father dragged him away. I remember being so angry at him. I even let that idiot Bluejam's words get to me."
Luffy eyes widened a bit. He hadn't known that. He knew Bluejam had been telling lies from the get go. Sabo was their brother. Always was and always would be. He had never doubted his reasons for why he had had to leave them.
Knowing that Ace had had doubts made him a little sad, but knowing how Ace was stuck in his head so much back then, he wasn't surprised. He was also sure that Sabo wouldn't be all that angry. He had understood Ace sometimes even better than he did.
"After Sabo died, I wasn't used to being a big brother on my own. And then you got mauled by that bear." Ace continued, his hand covering his eyes at the memory. His voice trembled a bit, " I almost lost you that day, and I would have failed not only you, but also myself and Sabo. I would have broken my promise."
Lu can't help but sob as he continued to worry his trembling lip. He remembered the bear incident well, as well as the marked change there had been in Ace afterward.
When Ace removed his hand, he was surprised to see that there were visible tears in his eyes, his hands forming fists even as they began to shake.
He stared at him intensely, his tone beginning to be colored by emotion as he continued on. "Sabo wrote us a letter before he died. I hid it from you because…sigh…I don't know. Maybe I didn't know how you'd take it, maybe because I selfishly wanted to keep at least a part of Sabo to myself…I don't know."
Ace, Luffy, did you get hurt at the fire? I'm worried about you guys, but I know you're alright. Unfortunately for you two, by the time you get this letter…I'll already be at sea.
Small teardrops became full streams as Luffy began to sob softly. However the next revelation made him freeze.
"I know you found it." Gray eyes twinkled knowingly even as a single well of tears began to spill over down a freckled cheek. It wasn't long after he died. You had just turned 8 and you found it in my stuff, in my territory might I add, only you didn't know how to read very well yet."
A lot of stuff happened, but I decided to set sail before you guys. My destination is anywhere but here.
Luffy remembered wanting to find another jar for his latest beetle, but hadn't found any and so had gone into Ace's territory to see if he had one. As he was looking around, he had found the letter. He had recognized Sabo's handwriting. He knew Sabo had never bothered writing them letters before he left. It must have been one from after he left them. He had immediately tried to read it, but the words had been too hard for him. He had heard Ace returning and had hurriedly returned the letter and rushed away.
He never knew that Ace had known…had always known.
I'm going to become stronger so I can be a pirate. Pirates are freer than anyone else in this world.
Ace smiled reminiscently, "I know that you suffered through all those reading and writing lessons I dragged you to with Makino, so that eventually you could read it on your own."
Tears fell even harder from both sides.
"That letter was one of the most important things to me, a guiding reminder of what the two of you meant to me." The raven looked down as he bit his own lip, his own breathing was becoming ragged.
We brothers should become pirates one of these days! Then we can meet again somewhere out there.
He looked up at his younger sibling, teary-eyed and emotionally full. "I took it with me when I left Dawn Island, and I've never been without it since."
This ocean is vast and free! We'll meet again someday!
His hand drifted down to the brown belt at his waist and the large buckle that displayed his initial. Reaching for the apex of the Red 'A' he turned the letter clockwise until it was completely turned upside-down.
The small metal rectangle then surprisingly sprang open on a hinge revealing a small compartment. Inside, was only one thing—an old wrinkled piece of paper that has been folded up many times.
Taking it out, Ace began to unfold it, but even as he did so, his eyes were only on his crybaby little brother, who was at this point, completely soaked with tears, his eyes like two twin little waterfalls. His little Lu had made a small gasp at the sight of the memoir in his hand, having recognized it instantly.
Another thing, Ace, are you the oldest brother or am I?
"I always thought that maybe it was either some last joke or maybe his mind was frazzled at that time since my twin knew damned well that I was the oldest. Both of my brothers could be such idiots sometimes."
Ace didn't need to read from the letter, he knew the words by heart. He knew that Luffy knew them too. So even as he continued to unfold it, he spoke the words aloud, meeting Luffy's gaze head on and trying to communicate to him on an emotional level that his words couldn't reach.
With every word, Luffy continued to break down more and more. He was nearly bent over from the impact as each one affected him. By the time Ace got to the last lines, he couldn't take it anymore.
His body moved before he could even think.
It might be weird to have two oldest brothers and one little brother, but the bond we share is the greatest treasure I have.
His gut had been trying to tell him, but his stupid head had been getting in the way. But that letter clinched it.
Only Ace would have had that letter. Only Ace would have known how much it had meant to both of them.
Only Ace–the annoying big brother that he was–would have known that he had snuck and read that letter who knows how many times, and had shed tears each time he did at the loss of his beloved brother.
His feet nearly flew across the ground, his legs moving faster than they ever had before. His brother was waiting for him with a tearful grin, his arms wide open.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCEEE!"
He landed with a hard thump into those arms, the collision sending both to the ground, but neither seemed to care.
Ace pulled his little brother in as close as he could, holding his head close, fitting perfectly under his chin, the boy's face nearly buried into the crook of his neck, his other arm wrapping around his quivering body tightly.
Luffy for his part, wound his arms around his brother's body so many times that Ace had lost count and was happy that he was at least still able to breathe. His little sunstreak was crying so fiercely, that even though he was fluent in Luffy-speak, he couldn't make out everything.
"WAHHH-HAH-HAH-HAH, AAAAAAACCCCEEE, YOU'RE HERE! YOU'RE REAL! YOU'RE ALIVE!"
He gave a small laugh, tears running down his own face, meanwhile stroking his fluffy black hair tenderly. "Y-yeah I'm alive. I'm real, and I'm really here…you little crybaby…"
He held him even closer, if that was possible.
For the first time in two weeks…
For the first time since either had woken up from having crawled out of death's door…
For the first time, everything felt right…
Luffy is still weak and a crybaby to boot…but he's still our little brother.
Take care of him.
A/N: Wow...took a while to get here but we did it!
I know this one took a little longer than usual. But the next chapter hopefully shouldn't. If everything goes well, Chapter 23 should come out in about a week, so look forward to that.
See you next time!