Chapter 6
Swamp
Frankie found herself feeling much like a lump of clay in the hands of three doctors who decided to teach her to act more masculine. Charles stood up as BJ sat on his cot and Hawkeye laid down sideways on his cot observing.
"Let's see you walk, Captain." Charles stated.
Frankie shrugged and took a number of steps across the tent floor.
"Try to not sway when you walk." he suggested.
"Sway?" she asked. "This is how I walk."
Hawkeye rose to his feet. "I'll show you how you walk, Frankie." He then walked across the tent swaying his hips in the most girly way possible. He turned and flipped his wrist down to make a girlish pose. "Like that."
BJ then stood up as well. Soon, Frankie was surrounded by the three men. He suggested, "Try walking again but don't sway back and forth."
"How do I sway?" she asked for she didn't think she was swaying.
"Just walk." BJ insisted.
As she began to walk BJ placed his hands on her hips. He noticed her hips were a bit wider than most men. He stated, "You have wider hips than most so try to walk without moving much."
"This is stupid." she complained and threw up her hands.
Charles signed, "Try to not flip your wrist so much. Comes across as a bit feminine."
Frankie stopped, turned sharply and looked upon her audience. "Do you really think Colonel Burns is going to come after me?"
BJ glanced at Hawkeye. The both nodded in agreement.
"Just because of the way I walk and talk?" she asked doubtful.
BJ admitted, "It's more than that. Margaret really likes you. She adores you. She and Frank had an affair. When Margaret married Donald, Frank broke mentally. He had a complete mental breakdown and went AWOL. Turns up in Tokyo and somehow gets a promotion. He will go after you to get to Margaret. He also has it out for the camp. He was the worst surgeon. He went into medicine for the title and money. Me and Hawkeye had to fix his mistakes. He will want to undo all the success you brought this camp. Frankie, you are the top surgeon in the camp. You are better at it than all three of us. The nurses adore you. You stand up for them. But the downfall is that you come across as rather feminine and Frank will use that against you and the camp."
She shook her head, "I'm not the best surgeon here. I do my best but this is meatball surgery and Hawkeye is the best at that."
Hawkeye stated, "You're right behind me on meatball surgery. You're good. Real good and to be honest, I thought I was going to lose my mind until you came to camp. You ease the load. You catch our mistakes. You are one of the best surgeons I have ever worked with." He confessed, "We don't want to lose you."
"You really mean that?" she asked unsure.
Hawkeye nodded, "We need a surgeon of your caliber."
Charles admitted, "There are very few surgeons I would trust my life to. You are one of them."
She let out a sigh and sat down on her cot. "Maybe the Colonel can send me away for the time when Colonel Burns is here?"
Charles insisted, "Nonsense! Colonel Burns should not scare you off. You have nothing to hide. We just don't want any false accusations."
"I don't think I can act more masculine. I've been trying and it's not good enough." she shook her head. She began to vent. "This place is a zoo! Klinger is running around in dresses. There is a still in the tent. You three carry on like teenage high school girls. Radar has an animal rescue going. Colonel Potter keeps his horse here. The officer's tent is filled with enlisted. Nurse Baker keeps making passes at me. And I'm the problem! Hell, I damn near fit right in." She waved her arms, "I'm never going to pull this off."
Hawkeye asked, "What are you not telling us, Frankie? You are keeping something from us. I'm not sure what but it's more than just the walk and talk."
BJ cocked his head, "What are hiding? You have a privacy screen. You never change in front of us. You always shower in the middle of the night. You are up way before we are."
Charles added, "There are some issues that need to be cleared up."
Her shoulders slunk defeated. "I was hoping to just lay low, get through this and not tell a soul what I did."
BJ cocked an eye, "What did you do?"
"I snuck in." she confessed. "I went to the Army recruiter to join up for the Medical Corps. I wanted to help. They wouldn't let me join. So, I snuck in."
BJ asked, "Why wouldn't they let you join? You are a doctor. You have a degree and obvious skill and training."
"I have all that. I'm just not the right gender." she smirked.
The three paused and looked at one another trying to understand.
She gently removed the fake mustache. "I got the idea from the play. I thought I could prove the Army wrong if I snuck in. Then I realized that I could face a court martial and be sent to prison for lying about my gender." She looked at the three who stood nodding as they put the pieces together. "I'm female."
Charles asked, "Your name is actually Francine."
She shook her head, "My legal name is Frances Barns. My father wanted a boy so he named after him. I didn't lie about my name or make something up. I just passed myself off as a man and they accepted me. Everything else stayed the same." She gave a sigh, "I guess I heading to the brig anyways."
BJ stated, "We won't tell a soul." He looked to Charles and Hawkeye. "Right! I mean we can't lose her. She the best surgeon we got."
Hawkeye agreed, "We can't lose, Frankie." He grinned and shook a finger, "I knew there was something off about you."
"You thought I was a homosexual." she countered.
"I didn't know what it was but I knew it was off." he remarked.
Charles looked upon Frankie without the odd mustache. He had to admit she had a very pretty face. "When this war is over I would like to see you dressed in women's clothing."
She smirked, "I'll just borrow a dress from Klinger."
BJ added, "As a woman, you are Frank's type. Tall, blonde hair and blue eyes. You are very pretty. I see that now without that mustache."
Charles reminded him. "Colonel Burns is coming to the camp due to Dr. Barns and her efforts. If he sees her in a dress he will know that she snuck in."
BJ stated, "We got two days. We can get Frankie up to speed." He asked, "Where did you get that mustache from?"
"A theater kit." she informed.
Hawkeye asked, "What more can she do, Beege? She's already passing herself off as a man."
BJ stated, "Maybe add more male features to her face. Like make it look like she has a beard?"
"Hmm," Charles looked upon the pet project before them. "Instead of making Frankie look more masculine let's make her less groomed and more crude. That should help cover up the walk and the talk a bit more."
She cocked an eye, "You mean act like Rizzo?"
He nodded, "Exactly!"
Hawkeye stated, "We turn her into one of us."
"Oh boy!" she winced.
Later
The three doctors took hours working on their next pet project. In short time Frankie went from looking clean cut and in regulations to loose clothing and disheveled. They messed her hair up a bit and reapplied the mustache. Standing before the trio Frankie doubted if the upgrade to her disguise would be enough.
"How do I look?" she asked the three masters of disguise.
BJ cheered, "Like one of us!"
Charles miffed, "Like one of you two."
Hawkeye teased, "Just don't stay out past your bed time." She looked even more like a kid upon making the uniform a bit of a mess.
Charles rubbed his hands together pleased with his masterpiece. "This act will rival any Shakespearian play."
BJ stated, "Alright Frankie! Let's see you walk."
She walked across the floor, turned and looked at her audience.
Hawkeye assessed, "Better. But still too feminine."
Charles stated, "Strut instead of walking."
"Strut?" she asked unsure.
"Yes, like one of Radar's chickens." he directed.
"Walk like a chicken?" she asked bewildered.
"Just try it." he assured.
She started to mimic a chicken and folded her arms much like wings. "Like this?"
"Now drop your arms." Charles told her.
She complied. Her walk changed to more masculine. She came to the end of the tent, turned around and looked upon their faces. "How did I do?" she asked.
The three nodded as they traded glances.
"Better!" BJ cheered.
She stood a bit amused. "So, the secret to walking like a man is to strut like a chicken."
Charles stated "My dear, that is your secret to walking like a man."
She bobbed in place mimicking a chicken, "I should start a new dance. The chicken strut."
BJ smirked, "And all this time I thought you were this shy, quiet guy."
She stopped bobbing and admitted, "I'm just laying low to not get caught. I can be as loud as Margaret if I need be."
Charles sighed, "Too bad we can't tell Colonel Potter your little secret."
BJ could see the wheels turning in Charles's head as he thought up an idea. "Charles?" he asked.
The Major explained "In the play Viola posses as a man and is in service to the Count. She leads a double life. When her brother comes no one can tell them apart and Olivia mistakes Sebastian for Viola in disguise. Imagine what kind of mental exercise we could do on Colonel Burns if Frankie could be two place and two different people at once. Be Captain Burns, crack surgeon and be a twin sister working with the nurses."
She shook her head, "That sounds like a disaster. My best bet is to lay real low while Colonel Burns is here and no one outside the Swamp knows. Colonel Potter could have me arrested and charged."
BJ squinted and asked, "Would Colonel Potter really have Frankie arrested and charged if he found out the truth?"
Hawkeye shrugged, "I honestly don't know. It's not like she's faking being a doctor and endangering men. She just faking being a man and saving lives."
"We cannot risk it!" Charles declared. "She's a doctor. We doctors must stick together." He then admitted, "Though I wasn't too found of being accused of arguing with Hunnicutt and Pierce like a high school girl."
She apologized, "I'm sorry I said that to you guys." She didn't want to argue with the men or put herself in an even worse position though to her estimation her assessment was correct.
"Apology accepted." Charles replied. "Now, let's see if our little project worked. Let's go to the mess tent for dinner and see if the new look helps get rid of the feminine walk and talk."
BJ agreed, "Bet to do a test run before Frank Burns arrives."
Hawkeye opened the door, "After you miss." he motioned for Frankie to go first.
She started to walk normal.
Charles called, "Strut my dear. Strut."
She paused and then started to put on the act.
"Better!" the Major cheered as she walked by him.
She walked out the door with Hawkeye, BJ and Charles in tow. She was ever so relieved to have the three doctors on her side and helping her pass as a man.
Margaret Houlihan emerged from her tent and spied the four walk out of the Swamp and towards the mess tent. She notice Frankie was dressed down with a half open jacket, hair a mess and she was walking more like the other men. She actually found it dishearten as Frankie was one of the better dressed officers. She walked right up to the men and stopped before them.
"What did you three do to Captain Barns?" she demanded to know.
Hawkeye stated, "We made him more like us."
"I can see that. He's dressed like you, Pierce." she scowled. She looked to Charles and huffed, "You went along with this? You three were supposed to teach him to act more masculine. Not turn him into a version of Pierce."
BJ interrupted, "It was Charles's idea. We figured if we passed Frankie off as one of us, dressed…him…down a bit that would throw off Frank and he will leave the Captain alone."
Frankie stated, "It's just for when Colonel Burns is here. I will be in regulation after he leaves."
She rolled her eyes, "Fine!" She looked at the three men. "But why have him strut like a chicken?"
Frankie spoke up, "So I don't walk like I'm a homosexual."
"But you are not." Margaret stated. "If Frank makes such an accusation. Then I will just tell him that you are my lover."
Frankie begged, "Please do not do that."
BJ agreed, "You are married, Margaret. Don't you think telling Frank that you are seeing Captain Barns on the side might make Frank think he could win you back?"
Hawkeye added, "And make Frank jealous of Frankie." He then smirked at Frankie, "Tell Frank that Captain Barns is dating Nurse Baker."
Frankie gasped, "What?"
He teased, "She likes ya."
Charles stated, "Frankie could simply tell everyone that he's got a girl back home. That would squash any such rumors."
BJ agreed, "Just say you got a girl back home, Frankie."
"I'll make something up." she nodded in agreement. "Let's eat. I'm starving after all that." She started towards the mess tent ahead of the other officers.
Margaret walked beside Hawkeye. He glanced at her and asked, "Does the Army accept women doctors, Margaret?"
She shook her head, "No! One of my biggest pet peeves. So unfair. If we could get just one female doctor in the Medical Corps they would have to change that policy."
He puckered in thought. "If you got one in, would that being lying?"
She pondered, "Depends on the situation I guess. You realize that if the Army accepted women doctors that could help ease the shortage. It would be a game changer for the Army. If we could just get one in, that would be enough to make them change that policy." She then looked at Hawkeye wondering why he even asked.
"Good to know." Hawkeye stated as he kept an eye on Frankie.
Margaret looked at Frankie and then at Hawkeye. She began to wonder if maybe there was more to Captain Barns than met the eye.
Author's Note: My stats and counts no longer work. I have submitted help request a few times now with no relief. I have no idea if anyone is getting notices or still reading this story. Please let me know if you are getting a notice and still following.