Chapter 7
Colonel Frank Burns rolled into camp looking for any reason to not recommend the 4077th as a model MASH unit. He dreaded the task. He was supposed to promote the camp as they had recent increase in the survival rate of the patients. In his warped mind he would rather see the camp fail and men die than succeed due to his personal issues with the doctors and nurses. Sporting his dress uniform of brown tunic with trousers and ribbon bar displayed he disembarked from the jeep reeling in the task that led him back to the 4077th. The last thing Frank wanted to do was congratulate the camp on the accomplishment. He made his way to HQ to see Colonel Potter.
HQ
Colonel Potter stood at his desk with Father Mulcahy. He expressed his interest. "I would really like a part in the play, Padre."
Surprised the Father asked, "What part did you have in mind, Sir?"
"The Captain." he expressed.
"I'm sure we can make that happen. I have not filled that part yet." he agreed.
Radar opened the door to the office. "Sir! Colonel Burns is here."
Right behind Radar, Frank Burns entered the office. "Colonel." he greeted Potter. "Father." he stated.
The Father gave a forgiving small smile, "Ah, Colonel Burns. It's nice to have your back at the 4077th."
"Really?" he asked unsure.
"Burns." Colonel Potter stated. He did not salute the man for he knew he did not deserve the promotion.
"I'll leave you with a copy of the play, Colonel Potter." The Father stated as he excused himself. He handed the paper to Sherman.
"Play?" Frank asked curious.
The Father explained, "Instead of our monthly talent show we will be putting on a play and the officers from the 8063rd will be our guest."
"What play?" Frank asked for it sounded rather entertaining even to him.
"The Twelfth Night by Williams Shakespeare." the Father announced. "Major Houlihan will be playing the leading lady."
Frank schemed. "I might be interested in a play." He wanted Margaret back now that his wife had filed for a divorce.
"Ain't you just supposed to write up a report on the advantages of having a full staff and how Captain Barns helped increase the camp survival and recovery rate, Burns?" Potter asked.
"That shouldn't take long. I got weeks to write the report. I want to see the play." he told the pair as his mind schemed for a way to win back Margaret.
The Father stated, "We are still filling roles, Colonel Burns." He assumed Frank would understand and be gone long before the play was to debut.
"I want to be in it!" he cheered.
"The play is not until the end of the month." the Father stated.
He cheered, "I got time." What Frank didn't realize was his assignment was nothing more than a ploy to get him out of the hair of the other doctors in Tokyo. He made a nuisance of himself to the General and thus got sent away on a nonsense task to write a good report on the 4077th. He stated, "The General told me to take all the time I needed and there was no rush. I got a whole month."
Sherman asked, "You mean to tell me that the General gave you a whole month to write a report on the 4077th and Captain Barns?"
Frank smiled brightly. "I do! I got a whole month to write the report and interview Captain Barns. I hear he's a real crack surgeon. Better than Pierce!"
"He is a crack surgeon and one of the best I have ever seen." Sherman agreed.
Frank then got a devious idea. "I can write a good recommendation for Captain Barns if you let me be in the play."
Sherman squinted, "You want in the play because Major Houlihan has the leading role."
He became meek. "We're just old friends."
Sherman looked to the Father. "Give Burns a role. A very small role." He threw Frank a suspicious look.
Father stated, "I will give the Colonel a small part. The Swamp is full with Captain Barns assigned. Should I have the VIP tent set up?"
"Put him in the VIP tent." he agreed.
Frank's day could not get any better. He got a chance to be near Margaret and his own VIP tent. He smiled happy. "The VIP tent will do." He then decided to throw his rank a bit. "Sherman."
Potter squinted, "That's Colonel Potter to you. You are a lieutenant colonel, not a full bird yet, Burns."
He smirked like a beady eyed weasel, "Colonel." He grabbed his bag and announced, "I'll be in the VIP tent, Father. You can drop of my script there." He then gave a salute and left the office.
The Father gasped, "He will be a whole month!"
"I'm afraid so." The Colonel began to suspect the General was just looking for a way to get rid of Frank and used the new doctor as an excuse.
"Lord have mercy." the Father prayed.
Margaret's Tent
Margaret laid on her bed with the script in hand. Sitting at the desk was Frankie Barns who was going over the lines for the play with Margaret. Margaret looked up from her script and asked, "How did you get to good at this? You must have had acting classes."
Frankie replied, "After my parents died my grandfather had no idea what to do with me. So, he enrolled me in private boarding schools. To keep from getting homesick I joined all sorts of clubs. The Acting Club was one of them. I was in school plays, school band and just about every club I could find."
"How did you get into medicine?" Margaret wondered.
"During the summers I went to summer camps." she explained. "Grandfather would let me pick out the camps that I could go to. I learned scouting, camping, archery, fishing, hunting, how to make a fire and first aid. The best camp was a private camp run by Indians in upstate New York. It was right on Lake Ontario and had tee-pees and a real Indian Medicine Man. The medicine man was actually a woman medicine man." she explained. "She introduced me to medicine as I always seemed to be helping bandage boo-boos on the other campers."
"A woman medicine man?" Margaret asked intrigued for she never heard of such a thing.
"She was an actual doctor." she nodded. "She went to medical school for women and her father was the medicine man of the tribe and taught it to her. She could mix white man medicine with native medicine. She was neat! She really influenced me." she confessed.
Margaret agreed, "She does sound interesting. You had a very interesting up bringing, Captain."
"I raised myself." she sighed. "My whole life was school and summer camps. The hardest part was the holidays. Christmas break came and all the other students went home and I stayed in the dorm. I was alone."
Margaret suggested, "Maybe the reason you don't have anyone is because you never learned how to love and was left alone as a child after your parents died."
She pondered the notion. "I guess that's possible. To be honest the whole idea of even dating scares me."
She asked, "Why does it scare you, Frankie?"
She paused for a moment and then replied, "What if I lose that person too? Or worse! A bad breakup and we end up hating each other."
She smiled, "Or you could find someone to love and will love you back for the rest of your life."
She shook her head, "The chances of that happening are real slim. I've seen bad breakups. I've seen the ex show up like a bad penny and nightmare that follows."
A rap then came at the door. Margaret miffed, "Must be Pierce coming to collect you." She rose to her feet annoyed and went to the door. She opened it wide about to yell at Hawkeye for taking away her study partner when her eyes seated on Frank Burns. "Frank!" she huffed annoyed.
"Hi Margaret." he cheered. "Can I come in?" he asked.
"I'm busy." she stated.
He peered inside the tent and found a new face. He asked, "Who is that?"
Frankie rose to her feet and gathered herself. She went to the door using the interruption as a reason to excuse herself. "You must be Colonel Burns. I'm Captain Barns. I'm the new surgeon here."
Frank took one look at Frankie and asked, "What are doing in Major Houlihan's tent?"
Margaret huffed, "I invited him. He's helping me study my part for the play that Father Mulcahy is putting on. What are you doing here?"
"I just got in camp." he replied.
Frankie excused herself, "We will pick up rehearsal later, Major. Colonel." she gave Frank a salute and then walked out of the tent.
Margaret soured at Frank. "What do you want, Frank?"
"I just came to say 'hi'." he played innocent. "And I'm getting a divorce."
"I'm married, Frank." she reminded him.
He replied, "That's doesn't matter." he closed the door behind him. "Oh Margaret! I've been so lonely without you."
She opened the door, "Out!" She pointed.
"But Margaret." he pleaded.
"Out!" she repeated.
He knew to not push further. He stated, "I'll be staying in the VIP tent. I'll be here the whole month." He walked outside and turned towards her, "And the father is giving me a part in the play."
She slammed the door in his face angry.
He stood outside and pondered "So, that little pipsqueak is Captain Barns. He got nothing on me." He started to walk. "Why was he in her tent rehearsing?" he wondered aloud.
SWAMP
Frankie soon entered the tent after her encounter with Frank Burns. She spied BJ and Hawkeye laying on their cots reading the lines of the play. She stated, "I just met Colonel Burns." She went to her cot and took a seat.
Hawkeye looked up, "He's already here?"
She nodded.
BJ noted, "He went straight for Margaret's tent I bet."
Hawkeye figured, "He wants her back." He soured in expression. Just when he thought Frank Burns was out of his hair for good he turns up like a bad penny once more.
Frankie noticed, "You don't like the idea of Margaret with Colonel Burns. Do you, Hawkeye?"
He agreed, "They make a terrible couple. I would rather see her with you than with him and you're a girl."
Frankie had to ask, "Are you one of the guys who get turned on by watched two women…you know?"
Hawkeye grinned, "What man doesn't want two women in his bed?"
BJ sounded. "I don't! My wife is more than enough."
Frankie shook her head at the pair. She wondered if Hawkeye flirted with the nurses to get Margaret's attention. She assured, "I think you and Margaret would make a good couple, Hawkeye."
BJ sat wide-eyed for he never thought of Hawkeye being with the head nurse.
He excused, "I'm not her type."
She grinned, "Yes you are."
He chastised, "Stop it, cupid."