This story has a plot, we swear. We just like having random, stupid adventures between the plot chapters. Our target audience is us, we just publish for fun.

As for Sakura's stutter, the co-author has a stutter and uses the formula "Write the line, read the line out loud, add own stumbles" when it comes to writing stuttering characters. Except there's much less 'questionable language happens on the twelfth time trying to say taxidermist' in Sakura's case.

"Well," Rowena said as she looked over the local news website, "it says here that Iago died in a prison fight."

"Called it," said Xander, not looking up from triple-checking his reports for work.

Garon looked between his children, irritation clear. "I know Iago wasn't a likeable person, but don't you think he deserves some respect?"

"He killed my mom," Rowena pointed out.

"That was him?" Garon frowned. "Huh. I thought he went to jail for tax fraud. You learn something new every day. I should really start paying attention to what goes on around here."

"Like how you're pouring whiskey in your coffee instead of creamer?" Xander asked, finally looking up in concern

"I know what I'm doing," Garon replied at once.

Xander wasn't calmed, but he did know better than to challenge his father. "Well, Rowena," he said, and his sister looked up from her own distraction. "You don't have any courtroom antics planned for today?"

She laughed, shaking her head. "No, I don't think they'll let me back in a courtroom until I'm certified. If that. Revan's coming over for a mission."

"A mission?" Xander repeated, and then he realized what she was talking about. "You don't mean...the mission?"

"The mission," Rowena confirmed, dead serious.

"You just reunited," Xander tried protesting, "and you've given him this mission?"

"It needs to be done by someone."

"It's suicide!"

"I trust no one else." She turned back to the computer. "Not even me."

Revan stopped in the driveway, staring up at Nohr Manor for the first time. If this was where his sister had spent her life, he could completely understand why she wasn't the trusting person he remembered.

Then he climbed out of the car, approached the door, and was immediately met by a young man with pale hair. "One of Rowena's brothers?" the man asked suspiciously, and Revan immediately worried about this guy.

Well, he WAS here by invitation, and he WAS one of Rowena's brothers. "Yeah. I am. Are you?"

"I certainly hope not. I am her butler."

A butler? He didn't look like a butler. And she had her OWN...? "Is she here? Did I come at a bad time?"

The man didn't get to respond before there was a series of loud footsteps, and Rowena ducked under her butler's arm to reach her twin with a big smile. "You made it just in time! Don't mind Jakob," she added, and stuck out her lower lip in an attempt to make a betrayed face. "He's a softie at heart."

Jakob made an indignant sound. "A softie? Have you MET me?"

Rowena laughed and pulled his head down to hers, kissing his cheek. "A softie for me, anyway. Revan's cool, Jakob, I promise."

Revan was surprised by the complete lack of professionalism, and from the look of it, Jakob was, too. But Jakob made a quick recovery. "So this isn't the brother that ate evidence?"

Both twins were silent. "He's cool," Rowena repeated, which was all the answer Jakob needed.

As they left the butler to his work, Revan gave his sister a pointed look. "You're dating your butler?"

"Since my last birthday," she cheered, not bothered by it. "Garon didn't like it at first, but then I pointed out how much of a hypocrite he'd be if he didn't let me date the help, so..." she shrugged. "Jakob himself took longer to come around to the idea."

"Garon dated a butler?"

"Elise's mom was a maid," Rowena clarified.

"That makes sense," he agreed, then froze. "Elise's mom?"

"All his kids are half-siblings. But that's a story for another time."

"All of them?"

"What did I just say? Do the job well, and I'll tell you the story."

She pulled him into a room he assumed was her bedroom. The walls were painted a dark purple, the bed frame was black and twisted, and the bookshelves were stacked with law textbooks. She pushed him into the chair at the desk and sat on her bed, suddenly focused on him. He momentarily felt like he was back in the courtroom.

"You're aware, I take it, of the task before you?"

Revan looked down at his phone, where Rowena's number had texted him a message a few days earlier. He knew now that Garon had borrowed her phone to send the message himself, but he'd already accepted the mission. "I'm supposed to bring a batch of cookies to the state fair," he read off. "Camilla wants to enter them in a competition but wants to divert suspicion from herself."

"Is that all we told you?"

"No." He swallowed. "My mission is to guard these cookies from Elise. She'll play the cute little girl until she turns into a cookie-sniffing bloodhound, at which point I am to put my life on the line for these cookies. And the $1,000 your dad offered to pay me if I made it."

He'd said, at first, that this was a lot of work for $1,000. But then Yukimura had more or less dared him to get off the couch and get a job instead of reading everything about dragons that the internet could give him, and unfortunately, the only job that was as action-packed as he would have liked was acting as a bodyguard for a batch of cookies.

"There's more than that," Rowena said, the sound of her voice bringing him out of the flashback. "These cookies are the most amazing cookies ever baked. She made them for my 17th birthday. I spent the next YEAR craving them. I once saw Xander try to eat three of them at once, choke, cough them up into a napkin, and then eat the cookie mush from the napkin."

The image was both gross and hilarious. "That's...unexpected. But still..."

"Leo threatened to strangle me with a pool noodle to get those cookies." Her courtroom face softened as she entered 'dramatic storyteller' mode. "His friend Niles lost an eye defending those cookies!"

"Elise ripped out a dude's eye?" Now he knew that this was too much work for $1,000.

Rowena immediately jumped to her sister's defense. "No! No, she didn't, it was an evasive maneuver gone horribly wrong. She called the hospital and stole the cookies." She returned to her courtroom face. "But I hope you understand what you're dealing with."

Revan looked down at his phone again. Then, determined, he put it back in his pocket.

"Take me to Garon," he ordered. "Tell him that I'm ready."

After all, if he died, he could see his mom again. And it would really get under Yukimura's skin, so, bonus.

As she led him out, he stopped to take one final, valuable piece of equipment: Rowena's briefcase. He could always buy her another one if he lost or broke it.

Garon had given him the same speech that Rowena had. He hadn't mentioned his children's previous encounters with the cookies, or what had happened to Niles, but Revan was still just as terrified at the end of Garon's speech as he had been with hers.

But Camilla had given him a warm welcome as she'd passed the cookies to him and had ruffled his hair affectionately in the way Hinoka sometimes did. He hated it when Hinoka did it, and he hated it even more coming from someone else's big sister. But Camilla was sweet enough, and clearly counting on him, so he wisely said nothing.

He made it out of the house just in time to avoid Elise coming home from school. He missed the way her bodyguard, a blonde woman wearing pink and gold to hide how deadly she was, sniffed the air and went even paler. He missed how she suggested taking Elise out for burgers that night.

He missed Elise turn down the offer because she wanted to spend time with her family.

He missed Elise open the door, smell the cookies, and bounce up to Camilla, putting on her sweetest smile and asking to "pretty please with whipped cream on top" have a cookie.

He missed the crack in her smile when Camilla told her the cookies were gone.

And, fortunately, he missed when she sulked away, silently vowing revenge.

What he did manage to catch was a police car as it drove by, and he waved frantically until the cop inside pulled over. The cop left the car, and Revan did a double-take.

The man inside was blond, muscular, and dressed almost similarly to Bobby Fulbright from Dual Destinies. Revan momentarily wondered if he'd made a mistake.

He pushed the thoughts away immediately. "I need your help."

"Never fear, citizen!" The cop had a loud voice, almost like a superhero. "Officer Arthur Murphy lives to protect! What's your problem?"

Revan held out Camilla's cookies. "I need a police escort to the state fair. Camilla Nohr made some cookies..."

The cop's face fell. "And you were the poor sucker they tricked into taking them out in public."

"You saw what happened the last time?"

"No, but I know Elise and Effie. Effie told me stories." Arthur gestured to his car. "I was going to deliver evidence to the station, but I can take a slight detour. Leave your car here - she'll sniff it out."

"Look, dude. I have a teenage sister, ok? If Elise is anything like Sakura, she won't be able to -"

"Not Elise," Arthur said, his tone serious. "Effie."

"Who's Effie?"

Arthur's jaw dropped. "They didn't even tell you about Effie?" He shook his head to clear it and opened the door. "I'll explain on the way. Right now, we need to find a way to protect those cookies."

Revan didn't know who Effie was, but he wasn't going to mess with her. He got to sit where a partner would have been if there was anyone on the force who wasn't afraid of being around Arthur, and Arthur drove off. Revan asked if he could turn on the siren, but Arthur said that it would only draw more suspicion when they didn't show up at the station, "and I'm already on thin ice with the chief after the thin ice incident." Revan didn't even ask.

He did panic a little when Arthur slowed down and there was no stop sign in sight. "Can you look at the bag next to the cup holder?"

Revan did so immediately. "A bag of red pills?"

"Red pills, you say?" Arthur slammed the brake, sending Revan scooching forward and causing his own head to hit the steering wheel. "They're not my stash of candy?"

"No...?"

"Run, boy."

And then the sleeping pills kicked in.

Revan ran as fast as he could, taking only a moment to grab the cookies.

Effie pulled over when she saw the white car standing at the side of the road. Revan had locked it before he left, and Arthur had promised to have it guarded, but the other officers weren't there yet. That gave them plenty of time to pick the lock.

Yes, Effie could have smashed the window in or removed the door, but whether or not she would was another story entirely.

Still, they smelled the cookies as soon as they got it open, and realized they were gone almost as quickly.

"Did he outsmart us?" Elise asked, and Effie smiled a little.

"He's smarter than I gave him credit for," she admitted.

Elise stopped, playing with an earring in thought. "Ok, so let's play cops and robbers for a bit here. The robber took the cookies here. Then he had an accomplice help him, so he left his car here to throw us off. But robbers are dumb, so there should be clues."

"But he's not a robber," Effie pointed out.

"So it's even more likely he left a clue! He didn't plan out a heist, my sisters gave him the loot!" Elise sat down by the car, looking across the street for clues. Then, after a moment, "Arthur!"

Effie looked, but she saw nothing but chipmunks. "What about him?"

Elise pointed to a plastic bag of Skittles. "That's his candy stash! It must have fallen out when he was helping our criminal!"

"But where did they go?"

Elise already had a suspicion. "Do you know where the Hoshido Hill is located?"

"So let me get this straight," Takumi said as Revan held on to the cookies for dear life, blocking the front door with his body. "You accepted this mission even after knowing Garon stole our sister's phone, and are on the run from Sakura's deranged classmate, who is tracking these cookies through her bodyguard's super food sensor, and the cop that found your yogurt balloons is unconscious on the side of a road because you left him there."

"Pretty much," Revan confirmed.

"All this...for cookies."

"The best cookies ever baked, Rowena said."

"And you stole Rowena's lawyering briefcase to act as a cookie jar."

Revan nodded. Takumi threw his hands in the air in surrender.

"So it's an average Saturday night, then," Hinoka announced, hopping to her feet. "A stupid, dangerous mission? I'm in."

"I have nothing better to do," said Ryoma, who, having inherited a gaming company after the death of his mother, had a lot of better things to do.

Sakura looked out the window nervously, wondering if Elise and her bodyguard could see them right now. "The...the cookies can't be that good, c-can they?"

"Of course not," Takumi announced. "They're just cookies. It's not like they're drugs or something."

Before Revan could stop him, he reached into the briefcase and pulled out a cookie. Taking a bite, he chewed slowly, knowing that his siblings were anticipating his reaction.

The next thing he was aware of, he was facedown on the ground, both of his sisters sitting on him - Sakura on his back, Hinoka on his legs. "Ok, I blacked out for a second there. What did I do?"

"You tried to stab Revan with a pencil," Hinoka told him, so casually it sounded like a regular occurrence. "Don't worry, you used the eraser."

"Why the eraser?"

"Because I shoved a marshmallow on the pointy part," Ryoma said. He looked back at Revan, who was sitting on the briefcase. "I understand the danger you're in. I will do what I can to protect you."

"So will we," Hinoka promised, as Sakura nodded.

"I vote we all eat the cookies," Takumi said, and Sakura thumped him on the back of his head. He groaned. "Half-joking. Ow."

Revan decided to not even acknowledge Takumi's suggestion. "Thanks for your help. I vote we split up, everyone but Takumi taking part of the batch."

"You don't trust me?" Takumi asked. Everyone glared. "Smart. Keep going."

"Sakura, you're too scared to drive, so call Subaki or Hana."

"Han-Hana's out with her boyfriend tonight," Sakura said immediately, "but I think I c-can ta-ta-ta..." she took a moment to collect herself as her stutter numbed her tongue entirely, then spat out the full sentence, a pause between each word. "I think I can talk Subaki into helping out."

"Good. Do that."

As Revan planned out the routes everyone would take to the destination, Sakura pulled out her phone. Subaki had been her math tutor when he was desperate for (more) extra credit, and they were still friends even though he knew she didn't need him anymore. The man claimed to be perfect, so now would be a good time to test it.

Luckily, he was able to answer her call immediately. "Sakura? What's going on?"

"How did you know I was in trouble?"

"Because you never initiate a conversation unless you need something." Sakura made an apologetic sound, and Subaki quickly changed how he said it. "I mean, I know it's hard for you to call instead of text, so you must have a reason for contacting me that way."

"Um...it's a long story, but...well, it started with my lo-long lost sister calling Revan for help, and it ends with me needing you to d-drive me to the fair with a b-batch of cookies." She said the last part so quickly, Subaki barely understood.

"I was doing something, but this sounds important. I'll be there as soon as possible."

"Thank you!" Sakura cheered and clicked off the phone.

The siblings waited in silence, but then the doorbell rang.

"Please be Subaki," Hinoka muttered.

The muffled voice on the other side sent a chill down everyone's spine: "Hey, Sakura! It's Elise! I want to know if you can send Revan out to play...?"

"N-No thank you, please!" Sakura squeaked back, and she wasn't the only Hoshido sibling to hold her breath as she waited.

"Then can I come in and play with you guys?"

"I...I guess so..."

"No!" Revan and Ryoma shouted together.

Sakura clamped her hands over her mouth in horror. "A-Actually, it's not a good time," she corrected herself. "Maybe t-tomorrow. We have to make sure Takumi bathes."

"I am a grown man!" Takumi hissed. "I know how to bathe!"

"And we all wish you would," said Ryoma.

"Then can we play?" Elise asked once more.

"I don't see why not," said Sakura, as she reached for the door again. Ryoma gently slapped her hand down.

"Maybe we should sit on her, instead," Hinoka suggested.

"You wouldn't b-be able to restrain her," Sakura warned.

"I wasn't talking about Elise."

Sakura fell silent, and quietly moved to the back. They had a point.

Revan and Ryoma had decided to barricade the door with a couch, and Hinoka was kind enough to move Takumi to the couch for her to continue pinning him down.

"Yukimura's gonna chew us out for hours," Revan observed, not particularly caring.

"Forget about Yukimura," Hinoka snapped. "We have to wait until Subaki gets here! If he can even get past Elise in the first place!"

Almost as if he'd been waiting, someone knocked again. This time, it was accompanied by a male voice they all knew well.

"Hey, everybody! It's Subaki!" It definitely was, but he sounded nervous. "There's a blonde in your bushes and she's kind of freaking me out, so if you could just open the door, that would be great."

Revan and Ryoma quickly pushed the couch away from the door and opened it to find Subaki...

...restrained by a green-eyed blonde wearing a pink dress.

"Sorry," he managed to say, looking horrified at his current condition. "They made me."

Revan made uncomfortable eye contact with the woman. "I assume you're Effie?"

Another blonde jumped from the bushes and pinned Revan against the wall, glaring at him in a way that did not match her doll-like look. "Where are the cookies, Revan?"

"I'll never talk!" He sounded exactly like a captive in an action movie. Hinoka glared at him - he was having too much fun. He pulled a single cookie from his pocket as the taller woman tossed her prisoner aside. "Here. You can have ONE of Camilla's cookies. But the rest are for the contest, ok?"

Elise immediately snatched the cookie, letting go of her prisoner in the process. But she didn't gobble it down as Revan had expected, and was watching him instead.

He swallowed. "You're, uh, kind of freaking me out here, kid."

Elise didn't look away. She just broke into a genuinely friendly smile - which only made her creepier. "Thank you, Revan!" She broke the cookie in half. "I just have one more thing to ask of you." Instead of giving half to Effie, she broke the halves into quarters. Then the quarters into eighths. "I want you all to share with us!"

"Awesome!" Takumi cheered and reached for his cookie piece. Hinoka smacked his hand down. "What was that for?"

"It's what she wants!"

"It's what I want, too!"

"I'll eat it if he doesn't want it," Effie said, and Revan jumped slightly at hearing her voice for the first time. Deep for a woman, rough, but still feminine enough to be kind of attractive. And just as terrifying as Elise's childish cheer.

"I do want it!" Takumi objected.

Elise handed Effie a cookie shard, then handed one to Hinoka. "One for you...one for who I'm assuming is Ryoma...one for Sakura..."

They all knew, at least slightly, that they should not be doing this. They had all seen what the cookie had done to Takumi. But the fact that the person that they were trying to protect the cookies from was sharing, and with people other than her bodyguard? They were too stunned to do anything but take the pieces of cookie that Elise offered them.

Revan held it in his hand, tempted to try it to see if it was really as good as the Nohrs found it. It certainly had an effect on Takumi, but...

"Eat it!" Elise ordered, startling Revan so badly that he dropped the cookie piece on the floor. His siblings did so, all but one of them reluctantly - they'd seen how easily Effie had restrained Subaki and didn't want to have to face physical force. But the cookies did seem to affect all of his siblings.

"That was really good," Sakura said, for once not tripping over a single word. "Can I have a whole one?"

"You've gotta help me catch your brother first," Elise half-taunted.

"Good as done," said Takumi.

Revan bolted, leaving his cookie piece on the floor. Who knew if it would be a minor diversion?

Garon drove up to the Hoshido house, grumbling to himself. Camilla had scolded him for dragging somebody into a cookie guarding mission without giving him all the details, and he loved his kids too much to just ignore them when they yelled at him. So he was going to pick them up, or at least bribe Effie and Elise into giving up.

He was still trying to decide what he was going to bribe them with when he saw a young man with long red hair sitting in his car, crying and eating Cheez-Its.

Garon got out of his own car to knock on the window. "Two blondes?" he asked, and the man nodded once. "Physical restraint?" Another confirmation. "Forced you into betraying your friends?" Nod. "Eating away the shame?" One more. "Thank you for the information."

He didn't bother to knock on the door. He'd made enough mistakes that he wouldn't care if their security system blasted him into pieces. When the room turned out to be empty, he considered leaving.

He heard Revan scream. That seemed to be a good indicator of where his daughter was. "I don't know which of your parents you take after more, Elise," he said, as if she could hear him, "and that's frightening to me."

This was like a horror movie.

Revan liked horror movies, or at least some of them. Still, he'd never wanted to star in one, and certainly not as the damsel in distress. He always thought he'd be the action survivor that kills the monster's henchmen before getting offed with only 20 minutes left.

Of course, he had no intention to die, either. Especially not over cookies, at the hands of a 17-year-old and her monster bodyguard.

He wished he had a time machine, so he could go back and tell himself not to pick up the phone that day. There were safer ways to make $1,000, like bets. He could eat a spicy pepper salad. He could wander Taguel Avenue after 8 pm to investigate the urban legend of the Death Knight. He could fistfight the Death Knight.

He held his breath as he entered the fancy dining room his mother had loved so much, listening for the sounds of anyone else's breathing. Relieved to hear none, he turned on the light.

Only to find Sakura, also holding her breath, hanging from the chandelier. "Give us the cookies, Revan," she hissed, before falling onto the table. "Ow."

The others rushed in to check on her, Ryoma asking if she was ok. She whimpered, but nodded.

"I th-think I cracked a rib or two," she mumbled.

"How bad is it, on a scale of 1 to 10?"

"9. And a half." She was pretty calm, all things considered.

"Good," said Takumi. "Let us know if it gets to 13."

That meant that they were still coming after him. Revan, seeing only one chance at escape, rushed to the kitchen, ducking under Effie's arms as she reached to grab him. He grabbed a gallon of milk, opened the briefcase on the counter, and prepared to pour.

"What are you doing?" Elise gasped. "You'll make them soggy!"

"And I'm not afraid to do it!" Revan tilted the milk jug just a bit more - not enough to pour, but enough for it to be noticed. "Look at you all! The cookies have turned you all into monsters! Except Takumi, who was already there."

"Eh," Takumi said with a shrug.

"Think of what you're doing!" Ryoma was carrying Sakura bridal-style, and she was reaching weakly for the cookies. "That's Rowena's briefcase. You'll soak it with milk. She'll never be able to use it again!"

"I've already filled it with crumbs," Revan pointed out. "I'll just buy her a new one."

"You wouldn't!" Sakura gasped, and Revan glared.

"Try me," he hissed. He closed the briefcase, but kept the milk in his hand. "Now. I'm going to see if Subaki's still here. If he is, I'll have him take me to the fair, and then drive me to where I left my car. If he's not, I'm taking Takumi's. Ryoma, take Sakura to the hospital."

"There's no need for you to go to so much trouble," said Garon's voice, and he looked down at the briefcase. "I will take the cookies myself. Elise, apologize to the man crying in the driveway, and then Effie will take you home."

"But Dad!" Elise whined, but Garon wasn't budging.

"Elise. I'm angry and sober enough as it is. Let the man go."

Elise frowned and crossed her arms over her chest, but she mumbled "Yes, Dad" and left to apologize to Subaki, Effie following behind.

Once they were out of earshot, Garon returned to the matter at hand. "Well, Revan, you kept the cookies safe. More importantly, you kept Elise distracted."

"Distracted?" Revan repeated, and then it sunk in. "This whole time, I was a decoy?"

"Not in so many words," Garon objected as he took the briefcase, "but...yes. Camilla made an extra batch, and she took those herself."

"I risked my life!"

"Don't exaggerate."

"My sister got injured!"

"An unfortunate yet unforeseen turn of events," Garon insisted. "I'll pay for the treatments."

"Do you really think you can get away with -"

Garon shoved a cookie into Revan's mouth. It tasted like love.

"You can have them," Garon said, and the Hoshido family proceeded to eat the cookies themselves. Even Sakura. Even Revan. "Now, about your other payment..."

"Keep it," said Revan, before shoving another cookie in his mouth.

Sakura did not break a rib. Her injuries were merely large bruises, harmless despite how dark they were. Once that was determined, Revan met his twin at a bar, ready to hear the story of her other siblings.

"It gets pretty weird," she warned as they sat down at a table, the crowd loud enough to discourage eavesdroppers

"I can handle weird," he promised. "Come on. I need a distraction."

"Fine." Rowena tapped her fingers on the table, struggling to find the right opening. "It starts thirty years ago, when Garon married his college love, Katerina. A few years later, they had a bouncing baby boy."

"I doubt Xander ever bounced," Revan interrupted.

"You'd be surprised," Rowena answered immediately. "But Katerina was a journalist, and tried to be Lois Lane. When Xander was eight months old, she went to investigate something going wrong on a cruise ship. It took off for a two-week run...and it exploded. Her finger resurfaced, but she didn't. Katerina was dead. Garon did what anyone would do - he hired a nanny, and he started drinking."

Revan flinched back. "Ok. That's Xander. What about the rest of it?"

"Eventually, he got tired of being tired. He gave himself a kick in the pants - or maybe a kick in the teeth? But he went out and tried to find love again. He found Diane instead."

"Ooh, that's a hot chick name."

"She's Camilla's mom."

"That would do it," Revan agreed. "So. Tell me the story of that trainwreck."

"Trainwreck is right," Rowena agreed. "She warmed up to him fast. Xander was so small, and he needed a mom. They were married after only three months - she may have been pregnant with Camilla at the time, no one talks about her enough for me to figure that out. But she settled in, had a baby, and promptly became a trophy wife. Xander's earliest memory was of her trying to steal the dishwasher."

"She had her husband's money. What would she want with the dishwasher?"

"She'd been selling other stuff around the house and putting the money in a bank account she didn't tell Garon about. She planned to ditch the family as soon as possible. Garon threw her out first. She ended up getting only the dishwasher in the divorce. She didn't even ask for custody of her daughter." She had a moment of silence for her sister, and then started again. "Garon swore off women after that."

"But he has two more children."

Rowena nodded. "Her name was Julia," she told him. "But they didn't know this for a while."

Revan blinked. "What."

"It was a business trip to Vegas," Rowena explained. "He spent an entire week blackout drunk. Ten months later, Leo showed up at our door."

"Ten months? But it takes nine to have a baby."

"Right. Nine to have him, and one to realize that Julia was too...unfit to be a parent. She and Leo have a decent relationship now, though. He visits. And I hear she's getting better!" Then she smiled a bit. "Garon found a real second chance with Marie. Or at least he thought he did. She was nice, happy, treated the kids like her own. She even spoiled Camilla to make up for her own mother not wanting her, though of course the boys got a lot, too. Then she got pregnant herself."

"And the good stepmother became wicked?"

"Nope. Spent the entire pregnancy the same as always. When Elise was born, though...we all agree that she had a weird reaction to the painkillers. It's the only thing that makes sense." She rolled her eyes. "She decided that she loved kids, but she preferred being one of them than being responsible for them. She left the family to become a traveling banjo minstrel, playing birthday parties and subways. She tried to take Elise with her, but Garon said no. Marie, Elise, and Camilla go out for ice cream twice a week instead." She shrugged. "And you know how I got there. Then he dated a widow with a little girl around my age that we never got to meet, but then Katerina came back from her Gilligan's Island adventures - long story, some other time - and, yeah, he had to explain four new children to her."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I told you it got weird. Anyway, Katerina was surprisingly accepting of everything, since the explosion and the finger and being lost at sea and everything was all pretty solid evidence that she was dead, but the widow noped out of there like any sane person. Katerina decided to put Garon on a leash and try the relationship again, and Xander got to have his 9-fingered mom. We were a weird but happy family for a month or two. And then Katerina got hit by a bus. She was dead again."

"Until she came back?" Revan asked. Rowena shook her head slowly. "Oh."

"So," she said, brushing the memory aside. "I gave you the information you wanted. Time to give me the information I want. What have you been investigating?"

"I don't have much," he admitted. "But a promise is a promise. Iago mentioned dragons, so I took to the internet. It gave me absolutely nothing, and when I asked around the streets, most people didn't know what I was talking about. Everyone else avoided me like the plague. If you find more information on dragon criminals, I want you to tell me. In the meantime, I'll go visit Iago in prison tomorrow."

Rowena frowned. "Iago's dead, man."

"What? How?" More importantly, how was he going to get more information on his mother's death without him?

"Prison fight."

Revan thought for a moment. "He said that speaking of the dragons would put his life in danger. Then he's dead in a prison fight. Does that not seem -"

"Suspicious?" Rowena interrupted. "I'd say so. But what can we do?"

"We?"

"We're siblings," she pointed out. "Aren't we supposed to work together?"

"Just had to make sure you were in." He held out a fist for a fist bump. Rowena, reluctantly, granted his request. "The city better brace itself," he declared, as if to an audience instead of just a lawyer-in-training. "The real-life Mystery Twins are on the case!"

"Don't call us that."

Revan laughed, not responding with words, and got up to get them drinks with the money that he'd earned on the cookie mission. Getting the bartender's attention, he suddenly realized that he'd never been in this place before. "Uh...the 'Thor's Hammer' sounds pretty badass, so I'll take that, and my sister...I forgot to get her order, so just give her something sweet and girly."

The man flashed an evil smirk. "Got it," he said, reaching for the glasses. "Two Thor's Hammers."

Revan's face fell. "Dude. Not cool."

Before the actual work could begin, the bartender got a good look at Revan, who was now close enough that the eye patch and dim light didn't obscure everything. "You look familiar," he said, and Revan pushed his driver's license across the counter.

He also realized that Rowena had given him her school ID, which did not have her age or date of birth. To have this guy holding that, and still staring at Revan...

"We have a one-Nohr-at-a-time policy," he said as he passed the IDs back.

"I'm not a Nohr," Revan pointed out, tapping his own name. "I'm just Rowena Nohr's biological brother."

"Where is Rowena?"

Revan led him away, disappointed that his sister would get thrown out. When the two men arrived, she looked up from where she'd been doodling on a napkin.

"Hi, Niles." Rowena smiled innocently. "Is there a problem?"

"I let the ID thing slide because Leo forced me to have sympathy for your situation," Niles told her. "I didn't say you could bring your birth family in here."

"You didn't say I couldn't," she pointed out. "It's a public space. It's open to everyone who doesn't make a jackass of themselves."

"Not valid on days that start with T," Niles said immediately. "Restrictions apply whenever I feel like it."

"You never applied those restrictions before!"

"I've never had to deal with two Nohrs at once before."

"Dude, you're dating my sister."

"I've never dealt with two drunk Nohrs before," Niles corrected himself, "and I will die before I do."

"Technically," Revan interrupted, "I'm not a Nohr. I'm a Hoshido."

Niles turned to him, his face blank. "A Hoshido? That changes things."

The twins soon found themselves escorted out, neither of them even seeing what a Thor's Hammer was. Apparently, Hinoka forgot to pay her tab and her entire family was banned until she did.

They reminded her of this later. At the moment, they were hunting dragons.