NeoNazo356: I know I'm posting this on April Fool's, but it is not a gag chapter; at least not explicitly. It's actually part of the Giant-Slayer Fanon, but because of the Humor undertone, I'm posting it on April Fool's. It's one of the rare opportunities where I have a Holiday chapter complete on-time for the actual holiday IRL. I tried that with my Teen Titans Christmas Special, but I don't think it was point-for-point due to either delays or scheduling conflicts.
Moving on, onto the fanmail!

Oblivious IJ: He's alive! Ok next!
... just figured out it's Vincent from FF7... yeh

NeoNazo356: Yes, Jack is still alive. He's bounced back from relatively-worse before, I just needed him out of the picture for a while so I could introduce the idea that the plot can move along without his direct involvement. It's why I'm giving characters like Arthur and Vincent more prominence as the story moves along.
Yeah... No... The Vincent in this story isn't Vincent Valentine from FF7, in his character origin that's purely coincidence that he has the same name, and a running joke between those that do know. This Vincent is a white-haired teenager with a "robot arm". In FF7, that Vincent is a six-foot-tall vampire-like man with black hair clad in red like Alucard from Hellsing.
I've gone to great lengths to delineate them from one another. Just though that point needed be said.

*NEW WORLD*

Even though the first morning back in session had been a complete, unmitigated disaster, everything afterwards had gone relatively well. The teachers were nice -barring one exception-, the new classes seemed exciting -barring one terrifying exception-, he met a nice guy he could possibly expand his social circle with -who seemed about as-clutzy as he was-, and the icing on the cake was that after the verbal lashing in first period, Jack hadn't said anything mean about him afterwards.

Sure, the guy was basically a vegetable after Dr. Stein worked him over, but he'd take the win where he could.

Of course, not all good things could last forever. Jack "came to" in the middle of dinner, so it was probably "business as usual".

Still, didn't mean he couldn't appreciate the peace and quiet while it lasted.

The sun setting in the distance and dinner resting comfortably in his stomach, Jaune decided to take the rare lull in action and sit down with some of the X-Ray & Vav comics he'd picked up since coming to Beacon. Even if it was a little juvenile, one of his favorite past times was inserting himself into the pages, imagining how things would play out if the legendary duo was a trio.

As he was about to peel open the most-recent cover however, his Scroll buzzed signaling he'd received a text. Popping his Scroll open, Jaune was greeted by a single solitary word that caused a knot of dread to form as a sense of déjà vu washed over him.

SOON

'Well… At least he didn't include nightmare fuel this time,' Jaune thought with a relieved sigh as he set the Scroll down, only for it to buzz anew. 'Oh god… Please don't tell me he can read my thoughts,' he thought with an audible gulp as he opened his Scroll once more, tempering himself for what might await him.

Jaune Arc. Gather your equipment and get to the Third Airfield on the double.

To anyone that knew Jaune had asked Jack to coach him, the message seemed innocent-enough at a glance, if not a bit weird when one considered that "lights out" would be soon upon them.

However, to Jaune himself, he couldn't help but imagine the Faunus cackling like some kind of demon lord as he composed the message, intent on instilling as much fear as he possibly could.

"As if basting a turkey."

"Which I will then proceed to have sex with."

"That's right."

"I'm going to FUCK the fear turkey."

"Follow me on Twitter at TheCrimsonFckr!"

"Sincerely-"

Alucard!? The fuck?!

"What, you think I'm just gonna let those Blue vs Red dipshits have all the fun."

It's 'Red vs Blue'.

" . . . Well it just sounds dumb the way you say it."

Get out.

'Aaand… he used my last name,' Jaune gulped. The only people that used his last name were his parents or teachers back at Orleans High, and none of those occurrences had ended very well for him, so why would this be any different?

"Jaune? Where are you going?" Pyrrha asked, looking up from her own literature as Jaune got dressed.

"Oh uh, nowhere special. Just… running an errand, that's all," Jaune deflected as-smoothly as he was able.

"Wearing full armor?" the red-head questioned with a raised brow.

" . . . Bye!"

The next moment, Jaune whisked himself away as fast as his feet could carry him.

" . . . " Pyrrha opened her mouth to speak up, only to clamp it shut, sighing tiredly as she laid back in her bed.

"You still bummed that Jaune made Jack his trainer and not you?" Nora asked, picking up on the cues in a rare moment of clarity.

" . . . Only a little," Pyrrha sighed.

"Admitting you have a problem is the first step in overcoming it," Ren said thoughtfully as he read from his book.

"Ren, I'm not a drug addict," the red-head pouted.

"I beg to diiifferrrrrrrrr~" Nora sung, causing the red-head to sigh.

If even Nora of all people could see she was crushing on Jaune, maybe she hadn't been as discrete as she'd thought.

*NEW WORLD*

In actuality, Beacon had three airfields, though you'd only ever know it by looking down at them from above.

The one that everyone had disembarked from for Initiation was Airfield One, which was obviously the largest of the three and the first that airships would touch down on after disembarking from Vale. The three airfields, Airfield Two on the left and Airfield Three on the right when looking at Beacon from the west, were joined together on a branching path that gave Beacon the freedom to let more ships moor than other skyship ports not built at the top of a cliff. However, the reason Airfields Two and Three were delegated to secondary and tertiary roles respectively was purely because there was greater walking distance between them and the Beacon grounds proper.

As-asinine a reason as any, but it allowed the secondary and tertiary airfields to become ample real estate for meeting grounds between students. Not necessarily for meetings of the more intimate variety, but a good open spot to have a picnic or merely to sunbathe when an influx of airships didn't draft them into active use.

As Jaune made his way to the designated meeting place, he had to wonder- "How the hell does Jack still have energy after Dr. Stein put him through the ringer like that?"

"I don't know. Why don't we ask him?"

"Aaagh!" Jaune yelped, the blond nearly jumping out of his skin at the voice that came from just over his shoulder. "What the hell- How'd you get behind me like that? I could've sworn there wasn't anything behind me a minute ago."

"You've got a blind spot the size of a city bus," Jack deadpanned. "Honestly, if I were a Grimm on a bender, you'd be a before-dinner snack right about now. That or a chew toy."

"Nice to know you're still so wonderfully honest," Jaune grumbled. "So… Jack… Why am I here?"

"Well, when a man and a woman love one another very much-"

"I don't mean metaphysically, I mean why am I here, out on the third airfield, in the middle of the night?"

Even his patience knew bounds.

"Take a wild guess," Jack said crossing his arms, affixing him with a cross look.

"This is about making you lie to my-"

"This is about making me lie to your sister, yes," Jack finished.

'Knew that was gonna come back to haunt me. Just didn't think it'd be so soon,' Jaune sighed. "So uh… This isn't the part of the movie where you kill me because I wronged you… Is it?" he asked nervously.

"Not yet. If you ever fuck me, then yeah you're a dead man, but for the time being, no, I didn't drag you out here so I could kill you. Too much work for too little gain."

"Oh… That's good… I think," Jaune let out a relieved sigh. "So uh… Why am I here?"

"Oh…" Jack said as his eyes glinted to golden-amber. "You're going to help me settle a little bet," he said slowly stalking towards the blond, Jaune now backing away from a pair of menacing eyes that seemed to glow in the dark.

"A b-b-b-bet?" Jaune asked nervously as he backed away, the sound of rushing water and the misty air at his back telling him he was getting steadily closer to the cliff at the front of the school. "L-L-Like what?"

"Just the answer to an age-old question," Jack answered as his left hand went to the blond's shoulder, the blood in Jaune's body chilling as he felt claws digging into his skin through his hoodie. "Does that thing kinda look like a big cat to you?" Jack asked as he inclined his head to something behind him, a large military-grade vehicle helmed by a familiar red-head who was neither Ruby, Pyrrha, or Nora sitting in the driver's seat.

How Jaune failed to notice something like that until just-then, he'd never know.

"Wh-Whu…?" Jaune gaped dumbly as he beheld the ATV, almost missing the tug on his shoulder straps as a large towing hook was put in place. Following the military-grade towing cable linking him to the winch on the front of the Warthog, then glancing over his shoulder to the empty air at his back, the color drained from his face as he mechanically inclined his head back towards Jack. "J-J-J-J-Jack! Please! You can't do this! This is madness!"

"Madness? No... Not madness... This… is… BEACOOON!" Jack said as he -You saw this coming from a mile away don't pretend you didn't!- Sparta kicked Jaune over the side of the cliff.

Elsewhere across Beacon, many a student looked up in their dorms and said- "Some girl's in trouble!" –in response to the shriek that filled the evening air.

The military-grade reinforced steel cable chewed up the grass and dirt as the blond fell further and further down until eventually, the line grew taut. Jack looked over the side to see that Jaune was holding onto the cable for dear life, and by the smell of things, had wet himself on the way down.

A natural response all things considered.

"So… You get the memo?"

"Yes, Jack! I got the memo!"

"I think he got the memo."

Deciding that Jaune had-in-fact gotten said memo, Jack whirled on his heel and followed the tow cable back to its source, the present driver clad in casual clothing that made his silhouette a lot less bulky than with full armor.

"There really isn't anything quite like watching a plan come together, is there Cardin?" Jack said leaning against the hood of the Warthog.

"No there isn't," Cardin said as he nervously drummed his fingers on the wheel.

"Relax, Cardin. You haven't done anything recently to earn my ire."

"R-Right. Of course not," Cardin replied nervously. "So uh… Thanks for supervising while I work on a stick shift. That was cool of you. If a bit random…" he trailed off.

"No problem, man. Happy to help. Sorry I dragged you out in the middle of the night, but I wanted to get this little detail hashed out before too much time passed," Jack explained. "Didn't want Jauney-boy thinking he was in the clear now did we?"

"No, I guess not," Cardin answered, nodding in understanding since Jack had explained his reasoning for doing this. If he'd been forced to compromise on his beliefs to cover someone else's ass, he'd be pretty testy too. "You uh… You think he'll be okay down there?"

"As long as he doesn't do something monumentally stupid like remove the hook from his shoulder strap, he should be fine even if he falls again."

"Thank god!" *Gasp* "I made it," Jaune gasped as he pulled himself into view a minute later.

"Cardin."

"Yes *gulp* sir?" the red-head asked from the front seat of the Warthog.

"Give the line a little more slack," Jack said plainly. "I'm still in the mood for a little fly fishing."

"Oh you've got to be kidding meEEEEEEEEE!" Jaune squealed as the line from the winch was let out, sending the blond plummeting over the side of the cliff once again.

"Hssssss. Aaaaaaaaahhhhh… Sweet sweet catharsis," Jack sighed wistfully as the blond disappeared from view.

"Um… What did I just witness?" Cardin asked trying to catch up.

"That, my friend, was revenge. Sweet, sweet revenge. And you know what they say about revenge, don't you?"

"It's a dish best served hot?"

"I was going to say- 'It's a dish best served cliffside.' -, but hot works too," Jack said with a small smile on his face as he watched Jaune struggle with what was contextually an ordinary rope climb. At least if all the grunting, panting, and wheezing was anything to go by. "Wouldn't you say this is much more satisfying than slapping his books out of his hands like a grade schooler?"

"Honestly?" Cardin asked as he shifted in his seat. "I have no idea what to say."

"My man," Jack said with a smile as he hopped into the passenger seat before propping his feet up on the dash.

"You… *PANT* son… *WHEEZE* of a… *GASP* bitch!" Jaune yelped angrily as he pulled himself over the side of the cliff a few minutes later.

"One: You get a pass. Two: I know you are but what am I?" Jack asked with an ear to ear grin as he nudged the lever for the towing winch once more. Jaune, having twice now made the mistake of holding onto the rope instead of the edge of the cliff, was once more sent plummeting into the abyss. "Hey Cardin, I think some girl's in trouble," the Faunus chuckled.

"Meh. It was funnier the first time," Cardin shrugged as he popped open a can of soda. "This cannot be legal," he said idly as he took a sip.

"It is if you have a waiiiiveeeeeer~" Jack sung in a sing-song tone as he held up a laminated piece of paper, both his and Jaune's signatures slapped prominently on the bottom line.

"So…" Cardin said as he held up his Scroll-Light to the paper and gave it a once-over. "You can basically do whatever you want to him… and he can't say shit because he literally signed on for this?"

"That is his signature on the bottom, yes," Jack nodded. "Have a witness too."

"Pyrrha Nikos?" Cardin asked looking at the third signature. "How the hell did you get her of all people to consent to this? I figured out of anyone at Beacon, she'd be the one to want to 'sheathe his sword'. If you catch my meaning," he said making the obligatory motion with his hand.

"Hey, Big Red isn't just some starry-eyed middle-schooler," Jack said with a shrug. "She actually recognizes, at least now, at least, that while the rest of us worked our entire lives to get strong enough to come here," he said pointing a finger between himself and Cardin, "that Jauney-boy screaming his nuts off got a free ride. Did you know the guy didn't know what Aura was until he got to Beacon?"

"For real?" Cardin gawped with raised brows. "How the hell'd he survive the catapult?" he then asked incredulously.

"He didn't. Pyrrha speared him to the side of a tree and saved the forest floor from being painted a really ugly color."

"Wow, no wonder I beat him so easily," Cardin marveled as Jaune came up over the side of the cliff, the red-head nudging the lever once more and sending him over the side. "But… wait, does this mean I'm weak too?"

"In context? No, you're actually pretty strong," Jack said with a shake of his head. "It's just that this year, the Freshmen class is stocked up to the nine irons with prodigies from the world over. You and your team just so happened to be the baseline is all. Nothing wrong with that," he explained. "Plus, your Team isn't bottom-of-the-ladder. That prestigious honor belongs to my former Team, who will now be referred to as Dirt, heheheheh."

When life gives you an inch, you take a mile, and when Ozpin asked his recommendation on who to give a callback so his former team wouldn't be one short, he took all the miles.

"Well… when you put it that way, I don't really feel so bad," Cardin shrugged as he propped his feet up on the dash. "Hey Jack?"

"Yeah, Cardin?"

"Where'd you get the Warthog?" he asked honestly.

"Shhhhhh," Jack said raising his finger to his lips. "Just enjoy the moment," he said flipping a very familiar lever as a splash of yellow appeared before him.

"aaaAAAAAAAaaaaahhh!"

"Glorious," Jack said popping open a can of soda.

"You know… in a weird way… this is more satisfying," Cardin hummed taking a sip a few moments later.

"Amen to that," Jack replied, the two raising their beverages for a toast.

"Jack Braxton! When I get up there, I will-"

"Whoops!"

*Click*

"aaaAAAAAAAaaaaahhh!"

"When do you think we'll run out of line?" Cardin wondered.

"No idea. Until then, let's just enjoy the free show," Jack chuckled, that chuckle growing deeper and darker until it devolved into full-blown maniacal laughter.

" . . . You scare me, man."

"Mwahahaha!"

" . . . At least I'm not the one you're pissed at," Cardin conceded.

"By the way," Jack cut out of his laughter. "Where's the rest of your team?"

"They bailed on tonight's outing because you frighten them."

"Well that is the sort of reputation I'm going for," Jack said with a shrug.

"Somehow… I can respect that," Cardin admitted, taking another sip from his drink. As far as guy-time went, sending a screaming blond plummeting over the side of a cliff repeatedly on the end of a hydraulic winch… was probably going to be one of the more normal things he'd do with Jack Braxton as a friend.

Not that he ever thought he'd be doing something like that in his school days.

Still, at least things would never be boring. That was a plus.

And hey, knowing you weren't the bottom of the totem pole anymore was an even bigger plus.

*NEW WORLD*

AN:
Given Ozpin catapaulted everyone off a freakin' cliff into a monster-filled forest with no hope of rescue, this cannot be as bad as what'd been done to Jaune early in the RWBY Canon.

Not only is this for the sake of Continuity between New World and its prequel, but it's also a Red vs Blue reference I just couldn't pass up. Especially since it's now on its 17th season! I just had to celebrate the coming of Red vs Blue: Singularity in my own special way, even if it's delayed a few episodes into the new season. I was honestly frightened it'd be a "hard reboot" kinda deal like the Flashpoint Paradox, but I'm glad the events of the "Pizza Quest" are still relevant.

As for the Hellsing Abridged reference... Readers have been asking for one of those for a while, so I managed to deliver after finding just the right spot to stick it in.

"Oh myyyyy~"

DAMNIT TAKEI!