Author's note:
Hey look!
It didn't take me forever to write this. Partly due to it being fairly short.
This interlude is written to contain no plot development at all, only provide a few giggles.
I laughed a few times at least. See you next time for a more serious chapter as the Ishtar arc reaches its finale.
-asdf
Interlude 4: Lakeside Cook-off
Kirito:
"I'm sorry, I must not have heard you correctly." Laughing weakly, Kirito scratched his head. "For a moment there, I convinced myself that you agreed to a cooking competition where the winner sleeps with you and I get kicked out."
"Ahaha…"
"Y-You wouldn't do that to me… right, Bell?" Staring down the boy, Kirito's voice grew desperate. "Right!?"
"Ahaha… Good luck, leader!"
"BEEELLLL!" Grabbing the white-headed adventurer by the shoulders, Kirito cried. Bell didn't realize what he started. He didn't understand what would happen.
Already, Kirito's heightened senses could pick out the predatory gazes. Bell may have the appearance of a rabbit, but Kirito was the one shivering in terror like one.
"Why are you scared? I'm the one that has to endure a whole night of sharing a tent with a girl…"
"You don't understand," Kirito moaned again as a set of new footsteps shifted against the sand on the lake's shore.
"What did the two of you do?"
"Me?" Kirito complained.
"Not you," Yuna waved her hand. "I mean Bell and Eiji. Why did you start this? Do you realize the consequences!?"
"You mean delicious food?" Nautilus smirked.
"Wait… don't tell me you suggested this!?" Kirito asked aghast.
"Of course I did!" The boy's eyes were filled with a strange light. "It was easy to manipulate Bell's budding harem into an advantageous position to me!"
"B-Budding harem!?" The boy in question squeaked. His voice reaching very unmanly pitches.
"But you should have known what this would lead to!" Kirito whined again.
"Hehe, please endure it for me!"
"…You really have been possessed," Kirito muttered, sagging in defeat.
Seconds later, the sounds of more footsteps rang through his head like the drums. "Ki. Ri. To."
"Y-Yes?" Glancing up, he stared at Rain's smiling face. It would have sent minotaur's running. Being slightly stronger than the bull monsters, Kirito didn't flee.
"I heard that you lost your sleeping place for the night. Philia and I would just love to have you join us."
"Y-Yeah, I-I mean I suppose that could work."
"You suppose?" Rain asked daringly.
"Yes, he supposes," Leafa huffed. "I'm not sure what you all did last night in the lake but it is clear that Philia and you can't be trusted with Kirito."
"T-That's right!" Silica nodded from behind Leafa. Pina squawking in approval from the dragon's now familiar position on her head.
"Oh ho? You think you deserve Kirito's presence? But I'm pretty sure you live together." Continuing to smile, Rain stepped up into Leafa's face. Smiling at each other, sparks began to swirl around the girls.
"Nautilus…" Kirito mumbled to the nearby boy, "this is your fault."
"Ahaha… I must say I think I underestimated you…" Nautilus retorted guiltily.
Glaring at him, Kirito continued to kneel on the beach and watch as the girls struggled to come to a compromise.
"That's right, we live together because we are familia."
Crossing her arms, Leafa's motion emphasized her assets. Smaller than Strea, Leafa was still considerable bustier than the… err, Kirito didn't want to use the f word to describe Rain. He felt that doing so would be injurious to his health.
"Tsk, K-Kirito isn't shallow enough that such gestures would sway his mind."
"Grr… I find myself cheering for Rain all of a sudden," Silica muttered from behind Leafa.
"H-Hey! I'm doing this for you as well!" Leafa called back to her traitorous partner.
"Papa!" A new voice called. Yui split the small gap between Leafa and Rain and threw herself at Kirito.
Grunting slightly, he managed to catch her slight body in his arms. "W-What's up?"
"I heard we get to sleep together tonight. I'm so happy!"
"Hrgh!" Kirito's heart fluttered. She's… She's so cute! Kirito had no idea how to deny her. Before that though… this may be the avenue out that he needed.
"C-Can I really?" Rain muttered.
"I can't deny Yui…" Leafa added on.
It's over! Kirito thought triumphantly. Way to go Yui!
"Heehehehe," a sinister laugh washed over Kirito from just outside the group. "I knew sending in Yui was the correct decision. Now I'll get Kirito as my personal bodypillow!"
"In."
"Your."
"Dreams!"
Combining for a triple attack, Silica, Leafa, and Rain ambushed Strea.
"EEP!" Releasing a hapless screech Strea found herself thrown into the limelight. "Rude!"
"What happened little sister? I thought you said that Papa had asked to sleep in our tent tonight?"
"W-Well…" Strea prolonged her speech, trying desperately to avoid confessing.
"Tell."
"Her."
"The truth!" The girls combined again for another triple whammy.
"T-Truth?" Strea laughed weakly. "Yui wants to sleep with her papa, I think that's a good enough truth…"
"Grr…"
"H-Hold on Strea!" Yui spoke quickly. "If Papa needs to spend time with one of my mommies then that is fine. I-I'm a big girl. I won't be selfish!"
So cute!
Personally, Kirito was cheering for Yui. Despite being the youngest in appearance she was acting the most mature.
"Hehehe, it seems my moderation is required once again on this fateful day."
Oh no.
"Do you have a suggestion Nautilus?" Rain asked her subordinate.
No!
"Of course I do!"
Don't say it… Kirito pled silently.
"Join in on the cooking competition! We will have two groups. One that is competing to sleep with Bell. The other, trying to get Kirito to sleep with them. The Bell group will make entrees, the Kirito group, desserts. It's perfect!"
Kirito collapsed to all fours. "I-I thought we were friends… Was it all in my head?"
Nautilus' compassionate hand patted Kirito on the head. "Fret not, it just that my machinations are beyond your comprehension. Just smile and enjoy the good food."
Unable to muster a reply, Kirito lay there as rules were discussed and timelines drawn up.
Yuna:
"Hmm…" Muttering to herself, Yuna ignored the hysterics of the other girls. Her eyes tracked Nautilus as he left the group with a sly smile, no one else noticing him leave.
Slinking behind him, Yuna watched as he stealthily observed Bell and Kirito's guild advisor. The half-elf was muttering to herself, just out of Yuna's earshot. Even without hearing anything she was saying though, she could surmise its content.
Pulling at her hair, pacing, murmuring, jotting down notes, it was obvious. The girl was planning on cooking something.
But for who?
It had to be Bell. Kirito's involvement was only decided a short while ago. Of course, it seemed like Nautilus knew exactly what was going to happen beforehand and had manipulated the situation to his liking.
It was that exact reason more so than his strange attitude that led Yuna to follow him. They were childhood friends, Yuna knew him extremely well, and while she loved the boy to death, calculating is not a word that could be ascribed to him.
A young Eiji had moved forward with a one-track mind. That same tendency manifested itself here. Nautilus fought the enemy that was before him with straightforward attacks. No feints, no real techniques. It was fine against monsters, but he had struggled trying to fight against other adventurers.
That was why Yuna knew something had changed with the boy. None of the other girls even seemed to remember that this was Nautilus' suggestion. He had conned everyone perfectly.
"Are you struggling to come up with an idea?" Nautilus greeted Eina.
"EEP!" Screeching, the girl jumped a foot in the air. Upon seeing Nautilus, she shifted in embarrassment. "Ah, sorry about that. Did you say something?"
"I was just wondering if you had made up your mind for what your dish should be."
"D-Dish? I'm not sure if I should compete at all…"
"Are you sure?" Nautilus asked, worry tinging his words. "I didn't want to say anything, but I overheard Lili and Hestia talking… let's just say that they have some big plans."
"T-They do!?" Eina replied nervously. "This isn't good, I can't let that happen to Bell!"
Liar, Yuna glared at her childhood friend.
"If you want my recommendation, make something Bell has likely not had before. Maybe… a traditional elvish dish?"
"Yes… that will work. I can find of the traditional seasoning in town and… I'm sorry, I have a lot of work to do, bye!"
Nautilus waved and smiled after the running Half-elf. "That went well, don't you think, Yuna?"
Having been called out, Yuna frowned and approached. "What is wrong with you?"
Nautilus sent her a frown. "Wrong? Why I'm feeling better than ever before. Later, Yuna, see you at dinner. Should be quite the showing."
"Grr…" Growling, Yuna couldn't say anything. The guilt at not being able to stop him earlier preventing her from acting once again. Nautilus sauntered past her, his left hand clenched tight the whole time.
Bell:
"P-Please stop fighting…" Bell said yet again. For as many times as he had said it, it once again went unheeded.
"I'm telling you to give up now! A lazy goddess has no chance of winning!"
"Hmpf!" Hestia snorted back, crossing her arms. As she did so her bust wobbled dangerously, sending Lili back a step. "If I have no chance of winning, why are you trying to stop me?"
"I'm not! I'm telling you this so that you don't try to sabotage me!"
"You? Hah! You're so frugal you'll serve up boiled grass you found growing in the forest!"
"Urgh…" Bell didn't know how to stop this. Oh yeah! Clueing in on an idea, Bell apologized silently to Kirito. "H-Hey you two. The girls have arranged another competition for what tent Kirito sleeps in. Maybe you should work together to make a dessert?"
"Why would Lili care about that?" The prum supporter asked.
"Oh ho!" Hestia's eyes sparkled. "So when I win both the dinner and dessert competitions I'll have you both to myself!"
"That's not…" Bell smacked himself in the face. This hadn't helped at all. How Hestia was planning to make two dishes in the designated time was another issue altogether.
"Hehe, for my master plan to succeed I need to find that vixen…"
"Huh? …Whatever I guess." Giving Bell a sly wink, Lili stalked off murmuring to herself.
More nervous about what Hestia thought she was doing; Bell followed the goddess. He could almost see a black aura roiling around her. Its tendrils writhing like mist as they sought to suffocate the world around her.
Terrified of his transformed deity, Bell found a new respect for the deusdea. They so often acted like normal people that it was easy to forget that any one of them had to power to incinerate even the strongest adventurer in an instant.
"Hey you, with the golden hair!"
"Y-Yes!?" Haruhime squeaked. Makoto and her were sitting on a log, jotting down a list of something.
"I need your help to win this contest!" Hestia declared.
""Huh?"" Bell and Haruhime murmured. Mikoto stayed silent, slowly growing the distance between Haruhime and herself with all the stealth of a true ninja.
"S-Sorry," Haruhime shook her head. "I'm planning on winning this with Mikoto!"
"Hehe, unfooooortunately," Hestia smiled with terrible authority, "I command Hestia familia."
"S-So?"
"Weeeeell, a little birdie told me that you were looking to join my familia."
Haruhime's face blanched. Shooting to her feet, she bowed deeply. "I-It's a pleasure to meet you goddess Hestia. I promise to work hard starting from today!"
"Hehe, that's a great attitude to have!" Hestia congratulated her.
I'm getting a bad feeling about this…
"Now, let's have you start that work, shall we?"
"Umm, what is it?" Haruhime asked.
"I need you to recruit Mikoto to come up with an entrée and dessert for me to submit in the competition." Hestia informed Haruhime, that thin smile unfaltering.
"H-Hey!" Haruhime protested. "That's exploitation!"
"O-Of course not!" Hestia huffed back. "It's a test to ensure you'll be a good fit for the familia!"
"No its not! I was part of Ishtar familia! I know exploitation when I see it!"
"Urgh! Y-You have no choice!"
"Excuse me," another voice entered the conversation.
"N-Nautilus!?" Bell was shocked by the sudden appearance of Miach familia's lone male adventurer. Bell didn't know much about him as a person. From what he had heard though, it was obvious that he was head-over-heels for Yuna.
A girl who was currently… standing right behind him.
Yuna's face was calm, but like Hestia, Bell got the feeling she was anything but.
"I could have sworn I heard manipulation of the competition's sacred rules?"
"M-Manipulation?" Hestia stuttered. "Why I would never."
"That's good," Nautilus nodded. "Afterall, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. They can tell who cooked it!"
"H-Huh?" Bell stuttered. What was he saying!?
"T-They can!?" Haruhime asked. Nervously holding her tail, the Renart stole glances at Mikoto.
Tilting his head, Bell hoped Mikoto would explain. Unfortunately, the far east girl caught him staring and instantly went red. "T-This is too much responsibility!"
"Stop that." Making her presence known, Yuna smacked Nautilus in the back of the head. "Just let them have a fun cooking contest without the manipulation."
"Manipulation!?" Nautilus gasped. Waving his right hand at the group of girls, Nautilus shook his head sadly. "I'm only here to make sure that there are no regrets. Each person must present their heart's true feelings in food form. The one who's emotions shine through the brightest will surely take home the prize!"
"Umm…" Hesitantly raising a hand, Bell asked a question. "How does one put their heart into food?"
"Hehe, you'll understand soon enough, Bell!" Hestia declared. Sticking out her chest, Hestia's eyes were shining brightly. "I may not know how to cook but with my emotions I'll win both prizes! Hehehe!"
Hestia skipped off happily into the forest. Bell barely had a chance to wonder if she'd be alright before Haruhime made her own declaration.
"I-I agree with Hestia. I'm sorry Mikoto, but this is something I'm going to do on my own!"
"A-Are you sure!? Have you ever cooked before?" Mikoto asked panicked.
"I have not but fret not! I am confident that my emotions will reach Bell!"
The boy in question broke out in a cold sweat as Haruhime followed Hestia into the forest. "W-Why are they going in there?"
"Harvesting their own ingredients… maybe?" Mikoto spoke warily.
"Oh ho, the participants are getting fired up as time ticks down to the main event!" Nautilus declared happily.
"Why are you doing this?" Yuna sighed.
Nautilus shrugged, lifting his right hand in the air. "Doesn't everyone love to see fair, healthy competition?"
"Hmm, I mean it isn't like you're forcing them to do it… but still! I'm on to you."
"There's nothing to be on to, I swear." Lifting his hands in a non-aggressive stance, Bell blinked in surprise. Nautilus' left hand was still closed. As if something was in it.
"That's even more suspicious!" Yuna declared as Nautilus sauntered away through their makeshift camp.
"Umm, Ms. Yuna…" Bell spoke politely.
"Yes?" The girl snapped irate.
"Err…" Bell felt himself sagging. Something about angry women made him want to find a hole to crawl into. "Do you think Nautilus is plotting something?"
"Without a doubt," the girl sighed. "At this point though I can only hope that the thing he desires is nothing more than this cookoff."
"Oh my," Rubbing his head, Bell felt his stomach growl. Looking up at the sky, the sun had already past its zenith. They were about three hours away from the competition and Bell knew the hysterics of the day were just getting started.
Kirito:
"So what are you…"
"Go away!"
Trying to not let it get to him, Kirito accepted humbly his third and final rejection and sauntered off. The camp was abuzz with activity. As the afternoon hours ticked away, the eastern sky grew slowly darker. The competition was entering its final hour. Each girl or pair of girls had cordoned off their own spot and were attempting to secretly assemble their meal.
Strea had ran off into Melen on Yui's request, Rain, a while later had set out in hot pursuit. Kirito was just glad that no one was venturing into the lake to grab ingredients.
The antics and ferocity with which they approached it intimidated Kirito. Almost as much as how he was allowed nowhere close to their bases of operations. Somehow, Nautilus appeared to be the only person that had the ability to saunter from group to group without being questioned.
The more Kirito watched him; the more suspicious Kirito was of the boy. He didn't say anything weird, nor did Nautilus make any strange motions but… it was still odd.
"You sense it as well, right?"
"Ahh!' Yelling in surprise, Kirito tried to jump to his feet. Foot slipping on the loose sand, he landed with a thud. "Ow!"
"…Can you be more serious please?" Yuna sighed. "Something is wrong, very wrong."
"W-What is?" Kirito asked.
"With everyone!" Yuna pressed. "Why is everyone so eager to compete in this!? Why does Nautilus care so much!?"
"Err… Maybe… because its fun?"
"…Huh?"
"J-Just hear me out," Kirito pled as Yuna glared at him. "Couldn't he just be cutting loose since we're outside Orario. I mean, it will be a unique experience, especially since it's back into the dungeon when we get back."
"I-I understand…" Yuna muttered, "but… I also know that something is wrong!"
"Okay."
"…Okay, that's all you have to say?"
"Yupp," Kirito nodded. "You know Nautilus better than anyone. If you say he's acting strange, I believe you."
"Good, now we need to stop this competition!" Yuna began passionately.
Sweating, Kirito rapidly shook his head. "That would get me killed. No can do."
"Grr… Not only are you the strongest adventurer here, but you're also supposed to be a 'harem master', shouldn't you be able to do whatever you want!?"
"Haha… Umm… No?" Kirito scratched his head. "To be honest I'm a bit of…"
"A pushover," Yuna finished coldly. "Unable to say no to your girlfriend."
It hurts when you say it like that!
Laughing weakly, Kirito didn't confirm nor deny Yuna.
"Urgh, then I'll just have to make my own dishes!"
"…What?" Kirito scratched his ear, wondering if he had heard wrong.
"That's correct," Yuna nodded. "If I make the best entrée, I get the right to sleep in Bell's tent, however, I don't actually have to. Then, if I make the best dessert, I can make you sleep in the tent of my choosing which will be Bell's."
"Umm Yuna, you are kind of running out of time." Kirito spoke to the frazzled girl gently. "How are you going to make an entrée and a dessert in the time remaining."
"I'm glad you asked Kirito." Giving him a beautiful smile, Yuna pointed her finger at his face. "You and Bell are going to help me."
Strea:
"Are you sure about this, Onee-chan?" Strea asked Yui nervously.
"Of course!" Yui chuckled back as she continued preparing their dessert. "Don't fret my imouto, just put your faith in me!"
"Y-You got it…" Strea accepted weakly. Taking a sniff of the black smoke rising from their small fire instantly curdled Strea's stomach. "But are you sure those leaves are edible?"
Yui pouted at Strea. "I may not be the best cook, but I know two things. Papa loves strange, spicy food. Also, Nautilus said that as long as we put our heart into the cooking, he'll love it!"
"Umm, but the leaves?"
"I was talking to a visitor to the lake today," Yui spoke matter-of-factly. "He said to be careful of them. They could take out an upper-level adventurer!"
"…"
"…"
"So that means they'd be perfect for Kirito!" Strea agreed after thinking about it. "I'm so blessed to have an older sister like you!"
"Hehe, you may praise me more."
"Then I shall!" Strea nodded quickly. "When we give Kirito the dish I'll make sure to emphasize that it's all your creation!"
"N-No," Yui shook her head bashfully. "It was a combination of our efforts. After all, you fetched ingredients from the fishermen in town."
"True…" Strea muttered, glancing at what she had brought back. "The fishermen seemed surprised that someone would ask for fish eggs."
Yui nodded wisely. "Yes, I head Papa talking with Mama Leafa about their old world where it was a delicacy!"
"Ah, that's my smart Onee-chan! So what about the whole unskinned eel?" Strea asked with interest.
"Hehe, another gem from my questioning! I heard straight from papa's mouth that eel is very good! It is served as part of a dish called 'sushi' where it is served raw. Sometimes it is rolled up with seaweed!"
"Amazing!" Strea praised her again. "So you are rolling the raw eel with seaweed from the ocean with the fish eggs?"
Yui nodded again, matching Strea's excited smile. "Yupp! Also, we are adding the leaves from around here to make the food strange as well as the hot pepper seeds you brough back to make it spicy!"
"Wow…" Strea had run out of words to describe the dish that they were creating together. All the while black smoke curled past their faces as the shredded leaves turned into a blackish-green viscous ooze.
"Hehe," Yui giggled again innocently. "I can't wait for Papa to try our dish!"
In a different part of the camp, Kirito shivered as he felt the hand of death draw steadily closer to him.
Lili:
"Grr… I need another hand." Glancing up at the sky, Lili balked at how late it was. The competition would be starting in thirty minutes and she was still missing the primary ingredient of her entrée.
Having grown up in Soma familia, Lili had picked up numerous unsavory habits. Despite many of the members liking to use her as punching bag, Lili had also been forced to cook for the adventurers' numerous times.
In those dishes, unsurprisingly, wine was a principal flavouring ingredient. Having grown up since then, Lili wondered if the idiots in that familia even realized that the part they cared about, the alcohol, burned away in the process.
Gritting her teeth, Lili mentally smacked herself. She had been in such a rush organizing that she had overlooked a staple ingredient in the preparation of her red wine reduction. It was necessary to prevent the veal she wanted to grill from getting chewy and hard. She had previously packed it for this trip so that she could make it for Bell tonight anyway. The competition was merely a formality that Lili could use to win extra prizes.
Unfortunately, as a side dish, Lili had locked herself into preparing a soup that needed constant maintenance. "At this rate Bell is going to be ensnared by the big-boobed idiot. Or that big-boobed prostitute! Ahh, why are all the women so well-endowed!" Cursing her species' figure, Lili simmered beside her dish.
"Saying such things about me… I knew this was a bad idea." Hestia muttered to herself.
"Huh?" Glancing at the approaching goddess, Lili gaped. Her hair had been trashed, sticking up at odd angles; there was even a stick suspending in one of her ponytails. "W-What happened?"
"N-Nothing!" Hestia replied hastily. "I-I just thought I'd show you my benevolence as your goddess."
"W-What do you mean?" Lili narrowed her eyes.
"As payment for allowing you to join my familia, I'm willing to accept the low prize of us submitting this dish together for the competition."
"…You can't be serious."
"Of course, I am!" Hestia huffed. "It's not that I can't make my own dish, you understand? I just thought I'd be nice and allow this favour."
"Oh, Lili sees how it is," Lili smiled nastily at her goddess. "Your life of indolence as left you unable to perform even a small task like this. One that even Yui and Strea can accomplish."
"Hrgh!" Hestia winced. Her attitude changing in an instant she fell in front of Lili. "I tried going to town but I tripped on a root and tumbled down a hill! I got disorientated and couldn't find the path. I only found my way here five minutes ago. I'm begging you!"
Seeing her goddess in such a pathetic state, Lili winced. Lili in no way hated her goddess, she just thought like most deities, Hestia was far too willing to allow reason to fly out the window when there was excitement to be found.
"Lili accepts on one condition!"
"Y-Yes, anything!"
Smiling her victory, Lili laid down her condition. "When we are getting ready for bed and we retreat to Bell's tent together with him, you'll suddenly need to use the washroom."
"…Huh?"
"You'll have 'complications' there and come back half an hour later!"
"Half an hour of you alone with Bell? Urgh, I've already lost any chance of winning Kirito's competition so… deal!"
As Hestia stood up, Lili laid down her final condition. "Oh right, I need you to run to… err, scratch that. I need to you continue stirring this soup. DO NOT let it boil. I need a final ingredient from town."
"G-Got it!" Hesita saluted as she grabbed the wooden spoon from Lili.
Praying the absent-minded deity that blew up a magic stone oven wouldn't strike again Lili put her status to use as she ran to Melen for her final ingredient.
Bell:
"I think I'd rather face that minotaur again…" Bell said. His body felt weak and shaky as if he'd come down with an illness.
"True, I wouldn't mind a goliath right about now," Kirito muttered back. Kirito's words truly conveyed the gravity of the situation. It may be the first time Bell remembered Kirito's face not lighting up upon hearing the word dinner.
The two of them were seated in the 'guest of honor' seats. That meant the others were all facing the two of them, watching them eat and judging their reactions. Off to the side, Nautilus was acting as the third judge.
On the makeshift table before them sat four dishes. One made by Haruhime, one by Lili and Hestia, one by Eina, and one final one by Yuna. Bell had gotten roped into helping out that one. He didn't think the dish they had created was anything special, but the competition may not be too high.
The real surprise had been Lili and Hestia working together. The girls appeared to have reached an uneasy truce. A delightful aura was seeping out from underneath the covered plate.
"Let's get this started, shall we?" Nautilus clapped his hands. "Now who wants to go…"
"I'll take over there!" Hestia declared thrusting herself to the forefront. "Unfortunately, Kirito, I could not win your competition, so be good tonight, kay?"
"Umm, yes?"
"Now then, with Lili's help, I have prepared the winning dish. Tada!" With a flourish, Hestia removed the lid of sticks and leaves that had to have been created here.
"W-Wow!" Nautilus yelled. "What do you have here!? This appears to be a plate of lamb covered with a red wine reduction sauce! Amazing, the scent, the presentation, all top tier! To combat the gaminess and mature flavour of the meat, they have combined it with a light soup flavoured with light acidic tinges!
"But how will this culinary masterpiece sit with the judges!?"
"Err…" Mumbling to himself, Bell wasn't sure how to take Nautilus' rant. He sounded inspired by something. Maybe things like this were more common in his old world?
"It looks sooo good…"
Bell sighed, as his ally in this had been pulled in by the food. Remember what you say determines what happens to me tonight! Bell yelled at him silently. It did nothing to change the boy's expression as Lili and Hestia brought out duplicate dishes for everyone to eat.
"Good…" Muttering, Bell chewed the meat slowly. It was a dish he had never had before. Growing up Bell had never had a major sweet tooth, but these mature flavours were also something he hadn't experienced often. On the farm, his diet had been extremely plain. The meat was salted for preservation, the bread hard.
Chewing, Bell found himself enjoying the new flavours. This truly was a treat. "So good! This really is something special!"
"Hehe, I'm glad you are enjoying my meal," Lili spoke pointedly.
Everyone else had nothing but compliments for the chefs. Even the competing girls couldn't find a flaw to speak of. Bell caught a glimpse of Yuna's disgruntled expression as the first course wrapped up. The one that she had made simply didn't match up.
Bell shrugged at her. Honestly, if was Lili and Hestia, Bell was far less worried. The two girls had a tendency to spend so much time bickering that they forgot about Bell completely.
"P-Please try mine!" Haruhime bowed, bringing about the start of the second course. "I-I made an easy dish inspired by my hometown… M-Mikoto helped with collecting ingredients but the cooking was entirely my own. I-I'm so sorry if its bad!"
"Have more confidence!" Mikoto encouraged the depressed fox. "You did great."
"Y-Yes. Umm, here you are Bell."
"Hmm?" With the meat out of the way, Bell could now smell Haruhime's dish. It had a more subtle smell. Rather than being the exotic scent of Lili's meat, Haruhime's whole dish was a bowl of soup.
"It smells… homey." Hestia commented, leaning in further to sniff.
"Is this…"Kirito trailed off.
"It is!" Nautilus reclaimed his mantle. "The fabled miso soup! This unique dish is a Japanese staple shared with the far east! Can the regional similarities tug at judge Kirito's heartstrings and get his vote!? Will the new and foreign taste win over judge Bell!?"
What is with the style change!? Bell yelled internally. His hands, however, were too busy bringing a bowl closer.
Taking a spoonful, Bell's eyes widened. "Ahh, it's good!"
"Seems like you'd make a fantastic wife," Philia teased Haruhime.
"M-Me!? Oh no, I am barely worthy to have a one-night stand with Bell!"
Bell blushed at Haruhime's far too honest words. Most of the people's jaws dropped slightly as eyes slowly tracked toward him.
"Urgh, it seems my decision was prudent. I must save Bell's innocence." Stalking forward, Eina unveiled her creation. "While I can only save Bell today, Kirito, I expect you to retain your innocence! You are both far too young to be experimenting with women!"
I'm going to die from embarrassment!
Writhing in his chair, Bell knew that he'd probably be crying if he was on his own. He didn't like being the center of attention, it made him self-conscious. Those feelings only got worse when the on-lookers to these events were mainly beautiful girls around his age.
"Nautilus…" Bell heard Kirito whisper, "I'm going to strangle you later."
"Haha!" The man in question laughed, flourishing his right arm again. Watching him, Bell realized that he had avoided using his left hand to hand so far. "Up next we have the half-elf Eina presenting her application for the right to sleep with Bell!"
"Hey, what is this!?"
"Nineteen years young, Eina is one of the guild's flowers, stealing the hearts from hundreds of adventurers over the years!"
"Where is all this personal information coming from!?"
"It appears that Bell is finally the boy to break through her indominable façade, the only question left is if this exotic beauty can earn her night with him through her elvish cooking!"
"ARRGH!" The half-elf screamed, her face bright red. "That had nothing to do with my food at all!"
Bell wore a matching expression of supreme embarrassment. This situation had gotten out of hand. Barely looking at the food, Bell dug into the plate in front of him mechanically.
"Huh?" The flavour shook him out of his reverie. It looked like a simple salad, but the flavour was extremely rich. It almost tasted a bit like a dessert somehow. The leaves weren't mushy yet melted in his mouth.
So this… is elven cooking?
Bell wasn't sure how Eina had pulled it off, but the dish felt like it could have been served in an elvish forest. A serene place where the inhabitants managed to coexist with the nature around them.
Cling.
His fork scraped the bottom of the bowl. He had finished it already. Feeling a bit sad, Bell understood there was still tons of food left to serve.
A moment later however, Bell realized that his time to choose would be arriving shortly. Only Yuna's dish was left. It was forgetful enough that the girls would be in a rightful uproar if Kirito and he voted for it.
Oncoming pressure filling his head, Bell held it in his hands. Haruhime, Eina, or Hestia and Lili. It was an impossible choice. One that he couldn't even make on his own. Kirito and Nautilus would also have a say.
"Why did I agree to this…" Bell murmured.
What, did I agree to this!?
Kirito:
"Hmm…" Finishing Yuna's forgetful dish of chicken, Kirito waited for Nautilus to speak. He wondered if Bell would have first vote. Kirito was determined to just mimic whomever Bell choose. After all, it really should be his choice alone.
Clearing his throat, Nautilus rose to his feet. "Well, that was exquisite. Applause for all the combatants today!" Mimicking his words, Nautilus hit his right palm against his closed left fist creating a subdued clapping noise.
As no one joined in, Nautilus coughed awkwardly and kept speaking. "Now, I think we should leave the voting to the end and move straight into the second half of the competition!"
This created a small stir, but Kirito nodded. Voting on Bell now would kind of ruin the second half for the girls that failed to be chosen.
Thinking about it from that angle, Kirito winced. He as well would have four choices presented: Rain and Philia, Leafa and Silica, Strea and Yui, and Yuna's thing. If any of them managed over mediocre than Yuna's would lose again.
"Well, if we are starting, then it is only fair for the best to go first before you're full!" Rain winked dramatically.
"Wouldn't that make you last?" Leafa shot back.
"Hah! In your dreams." Without even waiting for Nautilus' approval, Rain presented Kirito her dish.
"It's… a cake." Kirito breathed a sigh of relief to himself. Whatever it was that had given him a premonition of death had yet to reveal itself. The closer they came to the end of the food, the more relieved he felt.
The cake itself looked pretty ordinary. A nice circle decorated with cream and this world's version of strawberries. The only problem Kirito had with it was…
"There's no way you made this," Leafa pointed out.
"Agreed!" Nautilus nodded sharply. "Unfortunately, Rain and Philia have managed to get themselves eliminated from the competition."
Rain's smile didn't waver. "I must be getting hard of hearing. Where exactly in the rules did it state that we needed to make the entire dish ourselves?"
"It didn't…" Nautlus spoke slowly, "however, this cake is very clearly store bought and-"
"Yes!" Rain cut him off. "But the cream and fruit we added ourselves!"
"Hmm… I'll allow it!"
"What!?"
"Rain and Philia are back in the competition."
"I-It's okay," Silica tried to comfort Leafa. "We will still win!"
"Y-You're right."
Good luck, Kirito thought as he took his first bite. True to its appearance, the cake was fluffy and light. The cream added some much needed texture while the fruit had a burst of sweetness. Overall, it was an exceptional western dessert.
"Ahh…" Letting out a contented sigh, Kirito wished there was a second piece. Unfortunately, some people didn't even get first helpings due to the large gathering.
"Umm, Papa?"
"Y-Yes Yui?" Kirito asked hesitantly as his daughter pulled on his sleeve.
"P-Please eat mine next!"
"It seems our next competitor is up!" Nautilus declared. "I'm looking forward to this one, I didn't get a chance to check up on them during preparation making it a total surprise for everyone!"
Yui kept pulling on Kirito's sleeve. "I-I don't know how to cook, but since I put the most love into it, it will be the best, right?"
"Absolutely," Kirito smiled warmly, rubbing Yui's head. "I'll be sure to eat every last bite."
"Yeah!" Yui cheered happily, her smile a blast of sunlight. "Tada!"
Oh no.
As the lid was lifted, a smog of black smoke seeped out. It smelt of burning plant material and plastic. The thing on the plate was a black lump. Kirito had no idea what it was even supposed to be.
"Y-Yui?"
"I'm looking forward to sharing a bed with you tonight Papa!" Yui danced happily. "Please enjoy every bite!"
…So this is where I die.
Steeling himself, Kirito swallowed warily. The premonition of death greeted him. The surrounding people looked at him with mixed expressions. They ranged from disgust to sympathy to outright worry.
"S-So what did you make?" Kirito asked to buy time.
"Y-You can't tell?" Yui pouted a little. "I guess I didn't have a picture to go off of…"
"Sushi!" Strea chimed in, stepping up behind Yui. "It was Yui's idea but I helped her out collecting things!"
"I-I see…"
Sushi!?
On the verge of panicking Kirito stabbed it with his fork.
Thud.
It impaled halfway down the tongs before stopping. "T-The core is… hard?"
"Hmm… I'm not sure why…" Yui muttered.
"Maybe the raw eel has hard parts in it?" Strea supplied a solution.
"Oh, maybe!"
"R-Raw eel…" Kirito muttered as the girls stared on horrified. No one spoke, even Nautilus looked somewhat nauseous at the creation on the table.
Perhaps sensing something wasn't quite right, some joy left Yui's face. "P-Please try it Papa. I put all my love into it!"
Swallowing, Kirito faced an ultimatum. On one side, his daughter's love and trust. On the other… agonizing death.
Before he could second guess himself, Kirito picked up the impaled lump and stuffed it into his mouth.
Urgh!
Placing a hand over his mouth, Kirito's eyes bulged under the influx of sensation. The outside was oily and repulsive.
This isn't food! His mouth screamed at him, what the absolute fuck are you doing!?
I can't let my daughter down! Kirito's heart fought back.
Only the hand in front of Kirito's mouth stopped him from disgorging it as his gag reflex set in. It seemed that the girls had wrapped the lump in freshly picked seaweed. He could taste the salt from the ocean.
That wasn't what made it so disgusting though. It was the oily substance that coated it. Part of it was seaweed slime, but what was the rest!?
Unthinking, Kirito bit down into the blob. "Gah!" A whole new level of wrongness coated his mouth as more fluid burst out of the lump. It was a mixture of eel blood, more oily slime, and something else just as vile. Kirito's teeth hit the obstacle that the fork had stopped at.
Now, with an understanding of the horror contained with it, he recognized it as cartilage. Maybe even bone. "Urgh…"
Panting heavily through gritted teeth, Kirito could barely sense his surroundings. The taste was filling his brain, driving out every single other sensation.
"Way to go, Papa!" Yui cheered it on. "You can swallow now. Unless its too spicy maybe?"
Spicy!?
A moment later it hit. As his teeth slid over the cartilage, he found seeds. The buried ingredient burst with flavour. For a blissful moment, the horrid slime was gone and life returned to mouth.
In a flash, it was gone. Fire invaded his world as a tear formed in each of Kirito's eyes. This wasn't just hot. It was concentrated spice. Yet, even for all of its power, it couldn't erase the disgusting lump of this food.
Leaning back his head, Kirito prepared himself for death. I. Won't. Lose! Utilizing every ounce of his willpower, Kirito's mouth made a swallowing motion. Teeth relinquishing their hold, the demonic food entered his esophagus.
"He did it…"
"Amazing…"
"Is… Is he still alive?"
With one tear on each cheek, Kirito's body kept leaning further and further back. Before the disbelieving eyes of his familia and friends, Kirito's back hit the sandy beach. A small poof upon impact then nothing.
Kirito didn't rise from his position.
Leafa:
"O-Onii-chan!?"
"AHH! Yui killed Kirito!" Silica yelled, falling to her knees. "Ah well, at least we got to share our first kiss before he died…"
"Don't give up on him so easily!" Leafa chastised Silica. "Strea! What else was in that!?"
"Hmm? What else besides the raw eel? Well, there was the seaweed we wrapped it in. The pepper seeds we put in and the fish eggs… Umm, what else Yui?"
"Huh? W-What happened to Papa? D-Did I screw up?"
"Urgh…" Leafa couldn't yell at Yui. The young girl's face was stricken with disappointment. Tears threatening to form at the edges of her eyes. "N-Never mind for now. What did you put in!?"
"I-I think Strea got everything except the leaves."
"That's right!" Strea snapped her fingers. "Yui collected leaves from a plant a local recommended and boiled it into a black paste. That's what was coating it all!"
"But most of the local plants are poisonous!" Eina groaned. "You should never cook with ingredients you don't know!"
"Oh!" Strea snapped her fingers. "That's probably what they meant when they said it could knock-out even a high-level adventurer! Not that it tasted good enough to do so!"
""STREA!"" Numerous voices overlapped in disbelief.
"EEP!" Panicking from the anger sent her way, Strea put Yui between her and everyone else. "Y-Yui was the cook!"
"WAH!" Yui burst into tears. "I killed Papa! W-Why wasn't my love enough!?"
"Urgh… she's… too cute!" Leafa winced, taking a direct blow to her heart. Even in the midst of a colossal error, no one could find the heart to get mad at Yui. Strea had found herself the perfect shield.
"Hey, Nautilus," Philia spoke with a scary smile. "Would you like to explain why Yui's love wasn't enough? I could have sworn that you said love was all that matters in cooking?"
"D-Did I? I-I think you may be misremembering the quote. You know, things get lost in translation, yadda yadda…"
"Is no one actually going to help Kirito!?" Bell muttered.
"Oh right!" Rushing over to him, Leafa placed a hand on his forehead. He looked horrible… yet somehow at peace all at once. His pallor was sickly white and cold. "Why is he cold?"
"Uhh, cold is really bad," Rain spoke nervously. "A sick body will heat up and get a fever. A cold body usually means systems are shutting down…"
"No, I know what he needs!" Nautilus declared boldly, drawing angry glares. "Love's true kiss! Ladies, line up!"
"SHUT UP!" Yuna roared, throwing Nautilus into the lake.
"EEEP!"
Ignoring the fading scream and resultant splash, Leafa wrung her hair. "W-What do we do!?"
"Umm… T-There is one thing we can do it this situation…" Rain blushed. "I-If we all focus on keeping Kirito warm… maybe his body will fight off the poison."
"Y-You're right!" Leafa nodded quickly. "After all, he has the advanced ability immunity! He'll recover in no time!"
"W-Wait," Bell held up a hand. "What do you mean by we all."
Philia's eyes sparkled with fiendish delight. "Cuddle puddle! Only Nautilus is forbidden!"
"Wait Philia!" But the girl ignored Leafa's demands and all societal conventions as she threw herself on top of Kirito's prone body.
"W-Wait I want a good spot too!" Silica declared, darting in as well.
"T-This doesn't seem to be the optimal solution…" Yuna muttered.
Leafa could only agree silently as the excitement spread.
"This is my chance!" Hestia declared. "Come with me Bell!" Leaping forward, Hestia locked one arm around Bell's neck as she dove for Kirito as well.
"How improper!" Eina protested. "There has got to be a more, eep!"
"How fun!" Haruhime giggled joining in and dragging a reluctant Eina.
"I'm going to save you Papa!" Yui smiled with renowned confidence.
"Me too!" Strea added in, diving after Yui.
"Urgh… may as well I suppose." Lili sighed. Yet rather than anger, the prum sounded very happy.
"Oh well," Leafa sighed allowing herself to get absorbed into the pile of humans. "Too bad you didn't get to try to my taiyaki… don't worry Onii-chan, I'll improve for next time."
Surrounded by warmth, Leafa's eyes closed as everyone drifted to sleep, confident that Kirito would pull through.
Yuna:
Smiling as she stared at everyone's sleeping faces, Yuna did feel a longing to join in. However, she had a more important task.
Walking to the edge of the lake, Yuna waited as Nautilus slowly pulled himself back to shore from where she had tossed him.
"Ahh… seems like everything ended different from how I was planning…"
"Not a bad ending though," Yuna smiled.
"…You're right, its not so bad."
Without waiting, Yuna stalked up to Nautilus and grabbed his still clenched left hand. Receiving no resistance, she opened it and stared at a small amulet clutched within.
"…It's cursed, isn't it?"
"Yes… I saw it and thought about giving it you as a present… When I picked it up though…"
"It took over your mind?" Yuna asked, her stomach sinking. Sure, Nautilus was different, but she felt bad that it was something else controlling him and she hadn't been able to tell.
"No," the boy denied. "It just… the person who made it, they wanted to have fun. So I…"
"You tried to liven things up for them, huh?" Yuna smirked. "Well, you certainly managed that."
"I think they moved on," Nautilus confirmed. "I… oh god, I behaved like such an idiot."
"It should be fine now," Yuna chuckled, "everyone will remember this fondly. "So umm, are you still going to give it to me?"
"…If you would like it."
"I would."
"T-Turn around then."
Blushing in the moonlight, Yuna tried to stand still holding her braid of brown hair as Nautilus' clumsy fingers did up the clasp.
"Thank you, its beautiful…"
"So are… err, so is the moon."
Chuckling at the obvious rewording, Yuna turned back around to face Nautilus. "Hey, do you want to a little stroll?"
"…I'd love to."
Walking slowly side-by-side, the pair left footprints behind them in the sand. Bathed beneath moonlight, the distance that had sprung up between them closed with each refreshing step.