*I promise we will get to the WL conversation. I don't want to rush it. It just doesn't seem like something she would want to talk about quickly. I feel like it's something she needs to build into. Hang in there. We will get there.

"When you first left, I wasn't exactly fun to be around," she began. "I felt stupid for caring so much. You were my partner, and I thought that everything, I don't know, I guess I thought that everything I thought I knew about us was wrong."

He wanted to correct her. He wanted to explain that it was so far from the truth. He tried to reassure her. "It wasn't in your head."

"Well at the time, I didn't understand it." He heard her sigh, "and obviously I still don't completely understand." Her voice strained with emotion. "At first it felt like I couldn't go even one minute without thinking about you. That was some of the torture, you know. Not knowing."

He wanted to apologize again. And again. And again. But he let her continue.

"If you ask Fin how I was at the time, he'd probably tell you I was a total bitch." She chuckled at her own pain from the time. But there was nothing laughable about it all for him. She wasn't a bitch. She had been coping. Coping with all the wreckage he left for her to sift through on her own.

He shook his head to himself."No way I'd ever bring any of that up to Fin… I like being alive." He tried to mimic her light tone. It didn't work.

"I'm not sure he'd kill you…" she laughed him off, but in reality, he was positive Fin would kill for her. No questions asked. Fin possessed the same loyalty as Elliot, but he had the follow through to back it up. He stayed with her. For more than twenty years Fin remained loyal and faithful to his friend. Elliot only wished he could claim the same.

"I am. I'm positive he would kill me, And Liv, I know he would know how to hide my body." The man's shady past in narcotics, and overall experience in law enforcement cultivated that skill.

"Oh stop. He wouldn't kill you." She paused and he could almost see her face as she considered her next words. "You mean too much to me," she admitted quietly. "He knows losing you would hurt me too much."

His heart pounded furiously at her honesty. He knew putting herself out there was difficult, near impossible, but she was trying. And despite everything he'd done, every way he hurt her, she still wanted to try. She was trying to trust him. The thought made his heart swell.

"I'm not going anywhere," he said, his voice a low rumble.

She tried at some levity, "says the man who is currently in some undisclosed location."

"I'm coming back," he insisted seriously. He knew his absence made this relationship even more impossible. It probably triggered every insecurity she had about him, and his abandonment.

"I know," she said the words but her voice remained distrusting, uncertain.

"I promise Liv." He would do anything to keep that promise. He would come home to her.

He could hear her emotions getting the better of her on the other end of the line, and he wasn't faring much better. Tonight had hurt, and they were both so raw from pulling apart all of the pain. He wanted to suggest hanging up and getting some sleep, but he didn't want to hang up. He didn't want another week to pass by without hearing her voice.

She reigned the conversation back in, turning to her original purpose. "Time went on, and I tried to figure out how to live my life without you. I found out I could do it. I could do life on my own again. I didn't need anyone."

He felt another rush of guilt as he was reminded again of how much he destroyed by leaving the way he did. He broke her already fragile trust in all of humanity.

"I dated here and there, but I mostly focused on my career. I couldn't ever…" she let out a nervous breath. "I couldn't ever settle. I couldn't ever…" he knew she was struggling to follow her own rule of brutal honesty. "I couldn't ever trust anyone the same way I trusted you, and in the end every relationship kind of fizzled." He heard her shift her weight and he wondered if she was in bed or on the couch. He wanted to see her again. Maybe they could video chat next week. Maybe.

"Like I said, life kind of moved on. I adopted Noah, and I'd think about you sometimes, but I was okay." He could sense some apprehension in her voice, and he had the feeling that there was something she was hiding from him. Something she wanted to tell him but couldn't. "There were a few times…a few times I wished you were there. That I wished it was you that had my back. I can't imagine…" her words tapered off, like she didn't dare imagine a world in which he never left. "Anyway. One of the times I wished you were there was when I was sucked into a hostage situation at a townhome."

"Work related?" He wondered.

"No actually."

He let out a surprised sound. People usually don't just happen into hostage situations. "How'd that happen?"

She went on to explain how Lucy worried about the other family and she did an unofficial welfare check, only to be taken hostage with the rest of the family. She told him about the group who had taken the family hostage, and about the members of the household. She told him about holding one child while the other was brutally assaulted in the next room. It was a lot. It was heavy. It was almost too much to bear.

"At one point…at one point he told me to call someone." She hesitated, and he felt his nerves heighten. "He wanted me to contact someone in the NYPD who cared about me…someone who had a lot of pull." She paused again. "All I wanted was to call you." She chuckled with irony. "It had been years. I hated that when shit hit the fan I still hoped you had my back." She didn't sound angry. Just…defeated. "I ended up calling," she suddenly sounded uncomfortable. "I uh, I called Ed Tucker. He uh, made captain and we, uh…" he wasn't loving the visual that was suddenly in his brain.

"Like IAB Tucker?" He asked incredulously. She couldn't possibly be talking about the same person.

"Um, yeah. We had become…friends? We had been spending time together."

Suddenly the memory of her mentioning the one relationship that was something. The one she thought might be the one. Ed. Ed Tucker. And then the words. And then…Ed died. Damn. He knew their conversations would take them to some uncomfortable places, but he could honestly say he never anticipated a serious relationship with Ed Tucker as part of their missing decade. A serious relationship that ended in a death. Damn.

"Ed was Ed Tucker then?" He wanted to be clear.

Her voice dropped when she answered. "Yeah."

He tried to be understanding. He hated the prick, but there must have been something redeemable about the man because Olivia didn't love easily or freely.

"I'm sorry," he offered. He asked the next question carefully, "What happened?"

She pulled in a slow breath. "Brain cancer. But that didn't take him in the end. He uh…" her hesitation made him more uncomfortable. "He ate his gun El," she finally spit out.

His response was reflexive, "Jesus. I'm sorry Liv. I just…" there weren't words. Suicide was every cops worst fear for another fellow officer. Falling from a shot taken by a perp was one thing, but at your own hand? It was incomprehensible.

"It was, uh"," her voice cracked. "Losing him was tough. We uh, weren't together at the time, but it was still…horrible."

"I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry," he said sincerely. He hated the man, but she loved him. He would be sorry for any added pain in her life.

He was surprised when she added another detail. A light one. A happy one. "He took me to Paris, you know. Both Noah and I."

"Oh yeah?" His heart lifted. So much of their conversation had been heavy. So much pain and anguish. But then there was this. Someone she loved took her to a place she always wanted to go.

"Yeah. It was incredible, and beautiful…" her words tapered off, like the experience was too beautiful to talk about.

"I spent a little time in Paris," he admitted then chuckled, "admittedly, it wasn't exactly the beautiful part."

"Work?" She windered.

"Yeah, during that private security gig. I was only there for a couple months though."

"A couple months in Paris? Sounds like a dream," she said lightly.

"I wouldn't say that." Maybe he could go into that story another time. Another call. Instead he changed the subject. "What happened at the town home? After you called Tucker?"

"Yeah," he heard her take a moment to regain her emotion. "He worked as a hostage negotiator. He uh, he had the certs done and worked as a negotiator before his time at IAB."

He let out an inadvertent surprised sound. The Ed Tucker he knew was not the negotiating sort. Quite the opposite actually.

"He was different than you think," she scolded.

He really didn't intend on making the noise. "I know Liv." He insisted. "He had to be…if you..uh," he quelled the roaring jealousy. It was his fault she had to turn to the man in the first place. His jealousy was not anywhere close to deserved. "I know you have good judgment, and I know," he hesitated, "he must have earned your trust."

"He did."

Ed probably deserved her trust more than he did. After all, Ed was just doing his job all those years ago. Elliot left on his own and without warning. Their offenses were nowhere close to the same. It was strange to live in a world where Tucker deserved Olivia's affection more than he did.

He brought the conversation back to the incident at the townhome. "I take it he was able to get you out okay?"

"Um yeah. It did not go down smoothly, but i was able to get out with the kids."

He could tell she was holding something back. "What else happened," he asked carefully.

He heard her swallow. "The sniper took the shot when I was standing right next to him."

He pinched his eyes shut. That…was a lot. The visual was a lot for him to take in. "Liv," he breathed.

"I'm okay." She reassured him. "I survived," she reiterated.

"I know," he couldn't control the emotion in his voice. "I just…I wish I had been there." It was just another thing on the list of things he missed. Things he should have been there for.