You will always remember...
Shadis' 'urgent' call that he arranged a private order between him and you. And by that order, he meant you joining Erwin and his tail, Levi in a meeting when they visited on official business. You thought they were going to talk to you about the top ten and how many cadets were ballsy enough to sign their life away to the Survey corps. Turns out, Shadis' muscles were pulled doing that one yoga sequence you introduced in the training, prior to the 3DMG practices.
Although through the course of your training days under him, Shadis accepted your... oddity as an unusual step of improvement of the training regimen. He noted that the agility and flexibility of the cadets improved after doing your 'weird contortions'.
And guess what? He incorporated it for the succeeding batches' regimen, and recommended it to Erwin too.
You couldn't be happier to be summoned and drew four flows for them. It was embarrassing to let them watch you do yoga though.
You will always remember...
That Annie and Eren's fight earned you an injury, because Reiner had to be your next sparring partner. You tried to copy Annie's moves by memorizing, and you won against Reiner, although you dislocated your shoulder.
And you found out that Reiner just had to let you win. Damn it.
Three years in and finally, you get to smoothly monkey around using 3DMG without colliding on a tree, Petra style. Two broken fingers toughened you up to use your feet to prevent collision. You even incorporated some of your style now in slicing the makeshift napes of the simulator. You earned a broken rib when you pleaded Mikasa to teach you some moves. She taught you well alright, except that part where she does chain attacks on simulators. It took you a year and a half to build enough strength and agility to do chain attacks, and three months to incorporate your own style. Of course, you can't build an Ackerman strength but it should be enough to kill titans and protect yourself... hopefully. You bribed her with Eren's sketches as an exchange.
Three years in and finally, you mastered how to write and read their language. You speak the same, but the alphabets are not. Before, you have to memorize whatever you hear and write them in your notes by memory. You never showed your notes to anyone, but you were generous in giving lectures and receiving last minute ones from Armin.
Three years in and initially, it was only the girls that warmed up to you. The men too, somehow did not mind you as an oddball any longer. Well, because probably you got good at hiding it.
Three years in, and you graduated thirteenth. What a lucky number. But the rank didn't matter. You have no qualms being invisible while joining the Survey Corps. Fuck Garrison.
Tonight, everyone was allowed some leniency. You were allowed to put something in your face, like make up of some sort. Christa urged you to use beets for your lips and eyebrows, but you didn't think it was safe, so you refused. It was just the hair that you're allowed to do however you wanted, but since tonight is a celebration, they gave you a little more discretion.
Not that you did something to your face, but your hair though...
And the main players of Survey corps were here.
Hange Zöe was here.
If there's a character— a person in this world that you'd like to hang out for a day, Hange would be it. Their different view on titans made you ask questions. They're bubbly, they're smart, they can talk all night... what more can you ask for?
And then there's Pyxis, Shadis, Erwin and Levi, Miche, Oluo, Petra, Gunther, Eld...
You stood in the wall at the far end corner, appreciating the lighter atmosphere. Everyone seemed to be having a good time. You chose your default drink— watered down coffee, instead of that rare chance of alcohol. The lights from the torches licked the whole place and you wondered again if one day you could find a way to give these people light. Erwin's and Hange's eyes will go bad to worse if they relied on gas lamps all their lives.
But that would expose that you know more than they do, and that might get you killed.
"Hey, you should watch nearer, Febe!" Christa pulled you closer to the center. She attracts too much attention that her mere voice sends tingles to Reiner's and Ymir's spine.
"I'm fine in this corner." You said sheepishly.
"Don't be silly, of course you should join us! You are one of us!" The higher ups looked at the commotion now. Are you... hallucinating, or is Erwin looking at you with a smirk on his face? Does he remember you?
"Hey, Febe, you should play some songs! I'm sure they geezers have never them before!" Sasha is a loud piece of megaphone.
"Sasha you shouldn't call them geezers!" Christa corrected the brunette hunter. Sasha had always been the honest one. You chuckled at her remark, as much as you shouldn't.
"Kids," you shook your head while muttering under your breath. You stole a glance at Shadis and Erwin who is definitely staring at you. To make it worse, Jean has your guitar and Reiner has that smirk on his face.
Levi just bore a hole on the whole act. You could tell he had always been a big fan of the arts.
"You should play!" Jean cheered as you died inside. So much for being low profile. You worked hard to not get noticed and it's crumbling down the closer they dragged you on stage. You scanned the whole room as you caught your guitar. They wore silent smiles of anticipation; some cheered, some just incoherently loud... okay this has got to stop. The higher ups observed the commotion, and getting noticed is not exactly a part of the plan.
"It's graduation, you should make memories!" Memories of what? Hanging out with teenagers? You don't want them to give you a name to remember. Because you'll remember them, and what happened to them.
They don't need to know you. It's enough that you're the only person to carry the loss of saying goodbye so soon.
And as much as you don't want to feel anything for them, you spent years with them.
And it's starting to spill.
"Okay, okay, I'll sing." And Christa let you go, as the crowd cheered louder when you took the stage.
"This is um," You looked at their expectant faces. You breathe deeply to calm the nerves. It's just different when you play for anonymous audience. No expectation for you to be good in the plaza, but right now? The pressure built above your shoulders like you owe them the best performance you could possibly give.
You strummed the guitar checking for off keys, and as much as you're tempted to go on a Taylor Swift rampage, you settled on the song written by Coldplay, and sung by Embrace.
"This is um— oh well fuck, let's get this over with." You didn't realize that you told them your exact thoughts until everyone cracked a laugh, followed by silence.
Levi watched.
His whole squad watched.
Erwin watched.
Hange was preoccupied with something.
Moblit nagged.
Miche was drunk.
Pyxis was tipsy, but watched.
And you picked the first notes.
"Honey, It's been a long time coming... and I can't stop now..."
You started bashfully at first, when you saw everyone stared at you like: 'what is this bitch singing?' But the longer you played, the quicker their stares turned to feelings that you are familiar with: sadness and in the midst of it all, hopefully, a relieving conclusion.
You remembered that to survive in this world, the price never come cheap, and lesser are the chances when you choose to be a soldier.
You looked at Marco and pictured his untimely demise. He's so content and happy just to be with everyone and you're angry that that's how it ended with him. If you were only a reader of the books or an audience of the television, it wouldn't matter. You could forget about it quickly and remember it from time to time yet won't be affected by it. But you got to know Marco and how nice of a person he is.
He didn't deserve that, and you promised, with this angry strums of your guitar, that you will do something for him.
You looked at Squad Levi and that one second they might've been able to get out of that alive if only they decided to pull back.
Every strum was a promise you made to yourself that by the end of this song, with every ounce you have, that you will do something for them, if you can't keep them alive.
"Cause I can't help crying and I won't look down."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"What the hell, we're not dead yet but it was nice!" You can't help but chuckle, whoever said that!
"Sing something lively, for the wall's sake!"
"Lively music goes well with alcohol, damnit!"
"More!" Shouted Armin and Jean, and you giggled at them, the tears in the corner of your eyes posed as sweat coming from this hot summer night. The tension and sadness was replaced with the easy, happy ambiance when you strummed a random note and blasted the audience with your adorkable Taylor Swift classics.
The night ended with on a drunk, lighter note.
.
.
You thought your fingertips' callouses were enough to shield your fingers from singing the whole night, but damn, you just have to dip them over cold water.
The higher ups and their respective squads probably went back already and most of the Privates spent their last nights on the training corps barracks. Some were still on a rampage in the mess hall. It was nice to allow the freshly graduated Privates the leniency of one night.
And you saw some rumored couples sneaking to corners...
Your lonely guitar was enough to keep you company behind the stables.
These songs are less than enough to remind you of the life you left back home before all of these... whole soldier thing. Nevertheless, you hold on to them sacredly near, suffocating you even.
What if you just make a life here?
You shook that delusion. You have a life you're creating back home, and this? This is a temporary. Just a part of your romantic, adventurous phase; nothing more, nothing less. It will pass.
"Hey." You recognized that voice and you played louder like you didn't hear Jean.
"Hey Febe, don't ignore me." He sat beside you, and you picked the strings even harder.
Snap.
"Fuck!" You yelped, you finger and cheek were bleeding.
"That's what you get for ignoring me!" Jean said, hearing his tsk, taking your hand as he sucked on your bloody finger. Your instincts told you to retract it as fast as you could. It's dirty, copper-smelling, sweaty—
"Jean don't—"
He pulled your face closer, and he dared to plant a peck on your cheek.
Nothing too intense, just a peck, that's all.
But enough to heat them too.
"If you listened and not ignore me, you wouldn't have to buy another string and cut your finger."
The world stopped for a second, as you recalled the times you were kissed.
Do cheek-to-cheek greetings from your relatives count?
Cold water seemed to pour over the head; your shoulders tensed, you suddenly can't breathe. The absence of the guitar sounds was what you didn't need because loud is what you want right now. And you're scared that if you speak, he will do more than sucking your finger or kissing your cheek.
Isn't that how the drama goes now? Getting assault kisses in the middle of a sentence?
"Jean?" You were cautious to speak his name, not ever looking at him. You stared straight ahead, scared shitless that he might just do what you don't want him to do.
"What?" You could hear the delight in his tone, like he accomplished some great feat.
"If I look at you, what reaction are you wearing?"
"Why would you even ask that? Of course just the normal."
"I'm asking because it will tell me whether to leave without looking at you, or to look at you and here in now, break your heart."
Jean didn't respond. You've had enough of this— you knew the blush you're sporting is anything but delight. You can't possibly give the boy a chance. How old is he, fifteen? You're more than a decade older and he can't, not by your moral standards, have a thing between the two of you.
"Hey, Phoe—"
"Jean," You were still not looking at him. "You like Mikasa right?"
"What?" He was taken aback.
"You like Mikasa. You probably fell in love with her without seeing her first." It's true. He sketched her as his ideal woman before knowing she exists.
"No, I—" He is so easy to read sometimes.
"I saw how you look at her."
"If this is about Mikasa—"
"It's not about Mikasa, it's just that, you're fifteen, and I'm a lot older than you. And even if you're older, I am not interested." You faced him, deciding it's already safe. "And this thing— whatever you're trying to do is making me uncomfortable."
"I'm not trying to do anything." Your stomach churned when you could even taste how embarrassed he was feeling. You didn't want to break it like this but... you don't want him brushing off the signals you give that you're not interested.
"Of course." You nodded, "And there are a lot of girls out there with beautiful, black hair. And you will find someone closer to your age, I promise."
You said nothing else and left, leaving an unmoving Jean behind the stables.
But before you left, you landed a quick salute to Levi and Erwin who may or may not have heard the rejection.
Hange Zoe was here.
Dedicate your heart!
Songs mentioned:
Gravity performed by Embrace, written by Coldplay.
PS: While my account says 2 years ago, this is the first time I've thoroughly used this site. Sorry if my formatting's a bit messy right now. :)