You didn't sleep.
To put it precisely, you couldn't sleep because after the disbanding ceremony will immediately be the battle at Trost.
For two weeks, you rummaged through the shed to look for old, 'unfixable' 3DMGs, an extra green cloth, and something to paint the Garrison logo.
You found luck on the bushes, twigs of various sizes were skinned and fibered just so you could paint the roses. The original Garrison logo and your handicraft weren't exactly identical because, well, not that you're bragging but... yours is more detailed. Yeah, you're awesome like that.
But it's difficult not to cringe when you wasted a gold coin for three colors! a gold coin that could afford you 2 leather boots in the market for THREE fucking paint! Why is it so expensive?!
You took the some 3DMGs in secret and modified them.
You fixed the supposedly 'unfixable' 3DMGs, but it bored you, so you also customized them. Took you 3 days and if Arianne was here, she'll definitely laugh at your face if she found out you're getting rusty. Marco's new gear isn't detachable while yours is. You made a new gear out of the workable parts of other scraps for Marco, while you only customized yours. You drew your drafts in a morning newspaper, and worked on the gears every time you had some free time.
First, you put torque mechanism to it, so the hooks and throws are more aggressive and powerful because more aggressive and powerful throws means it can yank you faster.
Then you joined and twisted the cables to form thicker ones, scared it might burn and snap because of friction;
You installed this vertical back support because you knew it will be faster now. Fast enough that you might break your back when it pulls you too hard.
Oiled the cables for smoother retraction and fire-ups;
Encased the very gear with larger canisters.
Painted herbs and mushrooms all over your canister, because you like a touch of color. What? It's pretty.
Test ran on days-off.
They looked ugly and huge but perfect. Now Marcos' survival rate increases 9999x.
The size of the gas tanks did not change; your enhanced gear will need more fuel to burn. That was the only down side to it, that you have shorter running time compared to the standard-issued ones. Marco's and Thomas' escape plan will be your first priority. You knew how much Marco mean to Jean and although you 'broke' the young romantic's heart, it shouldn't be a reason to be apathetic to a common friend.
Friend? You're getting soft.
You pushed the thought aside and prepared yourself, as hours ticked before someone score a goal on Trost District.
"Goodness me! Those are some big gears!" Some fresh Private who graduated on the other side of the wall saw you chugging watered down coffee with the ration biscuit the military gives to power you up before you face this dreaded, fateful sunny day. You were stationed in the southeast of the wall, near Stohess district, and there wasn't much to do except to guard the elevators installed beside wall Rose.
"Yeah, I like 'em big—"
BANG! You heard the wall crash. There it is. It wasn't long until the screams and cries were all you hear.
You've been deployed; Trost District had been breached.
Rooftop.
Armin's about to be dinner;
Eren was one leg short and bleeding in the rooftop;
Mina about to get eaten while settling a bet through a staring contest and;
Thomas on the verge of getting chewed up like a bowl of salad.
You gagged at the smell of gas and untimely bowels from wrangled intestines of dead, bleeding people. Sometimes, you wished you couldn't tell which body was that, or there's a person underneath the rubble. Your skin crawled at the sight of titans a few blocks away— froze when you encountered that kind that jumps and charges unpredictably. They run and jump like fucking grasshoppers, it's creepy!
It's so different when you lie on your bed and feel sorry for their deaths as you sip you nightly tea. You felt adrenaline reading the books, but this? This isn't just adrenaline.
This is fear.
Your foot stepped back, your instinct screamed that all it wanted was to keep you safe. There isn't a damn calculation in your head— it threw itself outside before you could even remember how to think. Your grip in your blades got tighter as you lost your footing...
Slipping on the roof, a titan's mouth ready to bite your fall.
You can see it's palate, and you were too late to do anything with your blades—
"Marco!" You caught his determined eyes and those freckles, as his free hands prioritized your safety than having something to protect himself.
"Why'd you throw your blades?!"
"I'll pick a couple later, after we get to a safe place!" He said, as you both landed on a roof. You took a second to observe your surroundings, and you readied your stance at the titan who's about to pounce on you.
And when you sliced the jumping titan in the mouth, you noticed that its body wasn't so... sturdy.
It's like a styrofoam or a stretched pile of tulle. So that's why they move weird; they don't have much weight. You hooked your line on its back, your blades aim in its nape.
"Nice!" Marco exclaimed, giving a proud smirk. Your uniform felt hot as the titan's blood dissipated in the air. You found a couple of blades from an unknown soldier with a missing torso, and you gave Marco yours, before taking theirs.
You're body and psyche were adapting to it.
You assessed the situation where Thomas was still fending off the titan, but to a disadvantage. Marco followed where you looked, and among Armin, Thomas, Mina and Eren, you could all agree that Eren needed the most help.
"Marco, help Thomas. I'll help Mina." You told him.
"But Eren—"
"Eren doesn't matter now, he'll be fine."
"What are you saying? He's about t—"
"Eren will get swallowed whole— he'll be fine! " You didn't mean to blurt out something he didn't need to know.
"If we don't save Thomas now, he's as good as dead—"
"And if we keep talking who should we save first, we can't save anyone of them!"
Marco stared straight at you and breathed hard. He's getting suspicious, you can see it. You saw movement in your periphery only to see a titan about to grab you. You hooked your cables in its eyes, and mustered your strength to decapitate it from the jaw. You glanced at Marco and how frozen he was, making choices. So you ran past him to save Thomas while steam from the titan's blood exuded from you.
Strength has left you legs.
You catapulted yourself in Thomas' titan, its teeth sank in your arm, but you managed to painstakingly cut its jaws up to its ears. Thomas, when the titan's grip was looser now, sliced its fingers, and finished the job by cutting the nape. You had to sit for a moment, regathering yourself with all these madness going on. All you can hear were screams of help and hurt. When you close your eyes, the air smelled death and desperation. When you open them, your eyes will tell you all of these were true.
You didn't have time to breathe or think things over, you just have enough time to move.
Your gas tanks were lighter. There's not much left even when you run and replace it in the shack. Trost headquarters is too far to travel with a gas like this. You looked around for dead people whom you can rob some gas below.
One.
Two.
Four.
Eight.
Eight people to rob; some whole, some half, some bleeding to death.
Wait, aren't you forgetting something?
"Mina!" You totally forgot about her!
You got up and catapulted yourself on the nape, dissolving the last of your gas, but at least it saved Thomas's lover. You tried shaking her, that maybe she just passed out, but she didn't flinch or show any sign of resistance that something hurt. You tried to lift her up, but she didn't respond.
Then it hit you: she actually broke her spine. Even in the books, Mina broke her spine.
You looked at Thomas, your insides churned with dread. Is this your fault that you forgot to rescue Mina before the titan could get to her? You had to steady your bended knee as her body slipped in your arm. There was blood at the back of her head, which she probably got from the impact when she slammed on the concrete.
"Mina!"
Thomas yelled, sprinting to her, and you closed her eyelids, before taking her gas tanks.
You didn't want this.
You called her unimportant because she's gonna die in the story, but that was before you knew her as Mina and not some twin-tailed bitch who thinks she's cute.
You didn't want this.
You didn't mean to forget about her.
You didn't want this.
To let her die only to take the gas after.
This is not your fault—
"Help me!" Arianne's voice echoed in your ears.
"Don't touch her!" Thomas shoved you away from her before you could get her tanks. You didn't have the energy to stand, so you just sat there, letting yourself get shoved while listening to Thomas' cries.
They say that when a person dies, they brain activity stops after fifteen minutes, and the last sense to shut off is the sense of hearing. If they're lucky, their brain might actually understand what their loved ones are saying on their last minute.
If Mina were able to understand, she certainly doesn't want her last memory of him crying because her, knowing fully well that she's leaving him alone.
Mina can't even feel his touch when Thomas caressed her face so dearly, while he lulled her in his arms.
Marco gathered all the gas tubes he could get around his vicinity.
Somehow, taller titans didn't come for you for a while, conveniently. Maybe it was your location, but you're too spent to think. You heard Marco's gear wheezed, bringing with him all the gas tubes he could find.
"Just four?" You looked up to him, before you took his hand as leverage to stand upright. Thomas somehow calmed down, yet not so fully you still saw rage in his eyes.
"You killed her." He mumbled, laying her carefully before he stormed towards you, tackling you down yet again.
"You didn't save her on time!"
Marco tried to stop him, dropping the tanks he found, but in all honesty, you hoped Thomas punched you, without saying a word.
"You killed her!" He punched you jaw by jaw. It hurt. Every punch hurt but what if you really deserved it?
You were too tired to defend yourself. It seemed wrong to defend yourself.
"Thomas, she couldn't save Mina on time because she saved you first!" Marco reasoned while he restrained him. "Phoebe was out of gas!"
"Then she could've saved her first..." His punches goes weaker and weaker until it turned to a grip in your shirt, the warmth of his tears dripped and trickled to your face.
"I was about to save you... but I froze so..." Marco's voice was trembling. "That was me, Thomas."
Thomas was so still that you gently pushed him so you could sit upright. Your jaw hurt and slightly misaligned when you massaged them, and you blew your nostril to expel the blood. Grieving now is not the right time. At this point, you needed to set your feelings aside and mourn when things are more stable. Safer.
So you stood, taking two tanks and refilled your gear.
"You can hide Mina's body inside this building." You quietly said, too exhausted to feel or argue. Explosions of cannons were fired in the hole of Trost where the breach took place, and you could tell the Garrison was running out of defenses.
Eren should transform by now...
"S-Sorry..." You heard Thomas as you replaced his tanks now. You didn't pay him a glance but his hands were on his sides, trembling, not knowing what to do with the anger and sadness he's going through.
"We can mourn later, Thomas." You quietly said, meeting Marco's teary gaze. You still need to save Marco. You have one job: keep Marco alive. Otherwise, all these weeks of preparation will go to waste and you can never look Jean in the eyes ever again.
"We need to gather gas as much as we can to support others. We can get our supplies in the HQ after."
"Where do we meet?" Thomas wiped his face as he carried his beloved.
"Marco and I will go together, and if you see a non-standard color of flare, that's me. Do it too. Tell the others to get their fill where we fire the flare."
The bearded titan swallowed Eren, and it should burst by now, revealing Eren's attack titan.
You and Marco took off your capes to make a bag to put the tanks. You stick with him and made sure to keep an eye wherever he went, just so he doesn't wander too far.
You knew these won't suffice to supply everyone and continue the mission, but it should be enough to get to the headquarters to get an access. When your mind started to think about Mina, you forced yourself to think about other things. Be it the history of knitting, potatoes, how to make bombs using home supplies... you thought of anything.
Just to stir away the guilt.
It was nice of Marco to defend you, but it wasn't enough to defend you from your thoughts. You didn't like Mina in the beginning, but you both got over it once you bonded together for three years. She was always about Thomas; his favorite food, the colors that complimented him, his nasty habits, their small fights, his favorite date spots to the point that all the girls seemed to be dating her man, given how much you all knew about him.
And here you are, thinking about Mina again.
You heard the wheezing of gears and found yourself staring at Mikasa, asking you about the situation, or the gravity of the mess.
"We're out of gas." You said, "Marco and I are gathering—" Where's Marco?
"Mikasa?" Her stare was blank. You knew why; she probably realized Eren got eaten. "Have you seen Marco?"
"No."
Adrenaline started to shoot in your veins, firing urgency and panic you've never had before. You just knew that the second you let Marco slip away from your sight, he'll meet the three honorary Marleyans leaving him defenseless to fend for himself.
You needed to act, fast.
"I gathered enough gas under the tree. It should get you in HQ to refuel." Your breathing had gone labored, as you dropped the tanks in a nearby tree, after giving some to Mikasa. You ripped your cape and made a flag out of the trees branches. You fired red and yellow flares to form an orange color. It was to let them know that they could refill used tanks under the tree.
"I'll look for Marco and head to HQ." You told Mikasa, the light dimmed and dying in her eyes.
The bearded titan popped like corn on microwave with Eren's hand sticking in its mouth.
But even so, you couldn't find Marco.
You looked at your bitten arm, registering now that it hurts. You can see white fat oozing out of your skin, the blood matted in the sleeves of your jacket. You bit your lip as the pain now fully registered. You didn't carry bandages or pain killers with you—
You screamed when a jumping titan almost got you— just a few more inches and you would've died!
You had to get back to that titan before it decided to chase you and you run out of gas. So you hooked your gears in its eyes, tumbled through the air to get to its back, and sliced its nape.
You hate this. You're getting used to killing already.
And your back hurts being retracted too forcefully.
But where the fuck is Marco—
"Annie! Take off Marco's gear!" You overheard Reiner. Annie stood there, horrified at what Reiner was making him do. You can't barge in now, you can't take the three of them!
"Do it, fast!"
"Why do I have to?!"
"You saved Connie, awhile back, right? Have you become attached to this evil race or something? If I'm wrong, prove it to me right now!" Reiner dared Annie while he held Marco in place.
"If you and your father waiting for you to come home are any different than this filthy race, prove it right now!"
"Reiner! It's almost on top of us!" You heard Bertholdt exclaim.
"ANNIE!"
You closed your eyes when she bent and fiddled over Marco's gear, while the kind, freckled boy screamed in protest. He begged her to stop but Annie gritted her teeth and stomached the betrayal she's about to do.
When Marco begged for an answer, she couldn't look him in the eyes. Annie comforted herself with Reiner's words, deluded herself that she's doing this for her and her father's safety just so the tear stained face of the kind boy will register to her in a blur.
"This is what makes you a warrior." You mouthed the scene taking place by memory. "Annie, you did well."
And when you opened your eyes, Marco looked at Bertholdt, as he pleaded in tears.
That was your cue.
You wore your Garrison cape before you sliced up the titan's nape when it could grab Marco by the leg. You were aware that the three were looking, with Reiner busily contemplating why Marco was taken away. You took advantage of their deer in headlight moment, taking the boy with you, taking advantage of the steam to hide from the titan shifters.
You knew you couldn't get far when Marco didn't have the strength to hold on to you.
You stumbled on bad footing, feeling your ankle crack when you rolled over the ground. Good thing the steam from the titan kept you hidden from their sight. The landing hurt with the debris on the way, your gaping wound throbbed in so much pain when it caught dust and stones, but you tried to ignore it by sheer will. You can't die here now, no. You refuse to croak. You took deep, rapid breaths to manage the pain, as you checked on the boy.
"Marco," You winced in pain. You crawled to get to him, hyperaware that anytime soon, Reiner and the others might come and look foryou. Marco's face was scraped, his breathing was sporadical but at least he was conscious. You couldn't move with an ankle like this.
Meaning Marco should carry you in the shack.
How the fuck would he do that? The boy was in shock.
"There's a safe place I found and we're gonna stay there for awhile until you calm down, can you do that?" You shook him in the shoulder but the boy was unresponsive. You can't walk, your arm is fucked, now what?
You heard wheezing of gears which could only belong to the three. Panic surged bile in your throat, your muscles moved with an untapped strength you just discovered to exist within you. You carried Marco with your free hand, your bitten one pulled you both with the gear. Soon, he clung unto you as tightly as he could.
This shack you chose was located in the middle of the tallest infrastructures, easy to miss. You settled on a corner where you hid Marco's modified gear; Marco was still petrified about discovering their identities and that he almost got chewed in half.
You limped where you hid your supplies, removing your jacket and gagged it in your mouth before you poured liquor over your wound. You didn't care to count. It just made you more anxious as the numbers got nearer to three. Your screams were loud and goat-like and muffled when the sharpest of stings registered. And when you couldn't take it anymore, you cried and peed yourself.
You'll need to put a bandage soon...
Breathing didn't help now. You want to take pain killers and sleep it off but you can't even do that. You wanted to cry, mourn for Mina's death but you didn't have time, not even for yourself.
You glanced at the still Marco, and watched how he's processing things. The boy is gentle and intuitive. If he lived in your world, he's the type to get home early after a school day, has fishes for pets, and will walk your neighbor's dog if they needed a dog sitter. He's the type to talk over differences instead of ending it, then and there.
This gentle boy is not built for this cruel world.
"You calmed down yet?" You murmured, drool, sweat and tears pooled on your face, limp, spent muscles replaced that incredible strength a while ago. You struggled to take off your boots to look at your ankle which could be broken.
"There's a gear I made beside the door." You sounded weak and strained. "Check it to see the fitting. It's faster than usual and it uses gas faster too so conserve it, okay?"
"R-Reiner... Bert were..."
"Not now Marco. Keep it together—" You winced at the sight of swollen ankle. It didn't seem to be a fracture but you could tell that it was a bad sprain.
"But they're—"
"Yeah, they are titan shifters, but you're alive now, so try to keep it that way." You definitely need a hot compress. You exhausted your strength in tending to your wound and you didn't have the balls to rotate your ankles and bring it back on its rightful place.
"But how did you know—" the panic in his eyes were more intense now. He was obviously apprehensive that you might be a titan shifter as well.
"I just fucking save you boy." You winced, struggling at wrapping your foot to ease the pain. "And now's not the time. Try to stay alive. Let's go meet Jean and the rest."
"But—"
"Damn it, Marco—" Your arm seriously hurts like a motherfu— "Help me wrap my foot instead of whining like a little bitch—"
You both heard them pass by the shack. You leaned out of sight, while Marco instinctively hid behind the door.
"You found them?"
"No, not a trace."
"You think they could've hide in one of these houses?"
"Too risky, smaller titans would've gotten them."
"I hope so. They can't know about us."
Soon, the three passed by, leaving you alone, but you knew they could always come back.
"LISTEN. TO. ME." You hissed, your anxiety getting thicker by the second you stayed unprotected against Reiner and the two. You gulped what moisture was left in your throat while you waited for his focus to actually be in your eyes. He was terrified, you can see it, and how you hoped he saw it too, how equally scared and hurt you were.
"I'm not one of them." You whispered, "You can trust me, Marco."
Only then did it reached him, and you let him patch you up, while he processed everything in silence.
You knew what happened next: Eren seals off the hole, and you didn't care. You were more cautious of what the three might do now that the cat's out.
Marco got you out of the shack the moment the titans inside the wall were finally dealt with. Oh how carefully he dealt with you, and you appreciated the comfort he gave. He was with you all the time in the makeshift ward, insisting that he watches you heal, but really, he could go; you're both just scared that he might get poisoned or killed by the three if you ever let him out of your sight. You even demanded on staying within the most populous of wards, just to make sure that if they were to make a commotion, they couldn't do it easily.
"Phoebe," Marco started. You knew he has a lot of questions.
"Shoot."
"Did you know Reiner's secret?"
"No, I overheard them too. That's why I got to pull you out."
"But that, that doesn't make sense," he started, licking his lips, his eyes searching his memory that backed up his argument. He looked at your modified gear you wrapped with your jacket to avoid scrutiny.
"You modified your gear and made one even though mine is perfectly working. You acted like you know where to go and hide when you ran away. You faked a Garrison cloak—"
"You didn't worry about Eren getting eaten or Armin as if you know he won't get eaten..."
He breathe deeply, while you gasped for air. The keen piece of shit...
"You knew that was going to happen, isn't it?"