Author's notes: Wow, I did not think that my chapter 3 would get this much traction! Thanks for the reviews and support! Hopefully the quality will remain the same, if not get better, haha.
Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion.
Asuka shook her head. "No…" She saw the blood on her EVA's hands. "No..." All she saw in her EVA's hands were the bloody remains of the destruction and carnage that Unit 02 caused against Unit 03 and its Pilot.
And… Shinji Ikari, the Third Child, was dead... With his blood on her hands.
Her face was filled with horror at what just happened. She held her head with every part of her body shaking in despair. The only thing the Pilot of Unit 02 could do was release a deafening scream that echoed throughout all of NERV and the plains where the bloody battle took place.
"AAAAHHHHHHHHH!"
Then, everything around the Pilot went black.
When she came to, she found herself jumping up from the dining table instead of her Entry Plug. "W-What?" The Second Child did a quick survey of her surroundings to figure out where she was.
The first thing she noticed, right after she woke up, was that she obviously wasn't in her Unit 02. She was back in Misato's apartment. And she wasn't wearing her red Plugsuit, instead she's wearing her school uniform. Wait… was she asleep and just woke up? What was happening?
"Unit 03… the battle… Shinji…"
"Asuka?"
That voice made everything about the redhead freeze down to the bone. "What…?" Shikinami knew who that voice belonged to. It was his voice.
She slowly turned, hoping what she just heard was real. Praying that this wasn't a dream. "Please… be there… Please let him be there." A part of her didn't want to turn only to be disappointed by an empty space or by someone else.
But she had to know if it was him. She had to make sure that it was his voice she heard. When the redhead fully turned towards the sound of the voice, her surprised and hopeful sapphire eyes met a worried dark shaded blue eye.
"S-...Shinji?"
It was him.
The Third Child was there, sitting at the dining table next to her. He was looking at her with worry. He… He was okay. Injured but he was okay.
He was wearing his school uniform as if he just came back from school, but there were bandages around his arms with extra layers on the left, one on right cheek, one white patch covering his left eye, and large bandages wrapped around his forehead under his bangs. There were also bandages that could be seen going up his legs but were covered by his pants. Even his neck up to just under his chin was covered in bandages.
In front of him was the curry dinner that the Second Child prepared for his return.
Was that all just a horrible dream? A nightmare? No… it wasn't a dream, she knew that… but… how and when did they get back here? And he's hurt but alive… What is happening?
"Asuka? Are you okay? You fell asleep soon after we sat down, and you were mumbling," Shinji got up while giving out a grunt as it hurt for him to move from the injuries. She wanted to help him but she was still frozen in shock seeing him… alive.
When he was fully standing, he looked deeper into her eyes with worry. Asuka just looked at him, unable to fully comprehend what was happening. Was it really him in front of her? Was it the Idiot? Was he really here? "How are you… What happened to Unit 03?"
He blinked, looking at her with a confused face, "What do you mean? You destroyed it."
She did? But that machine used her Unit 02 to crush his Entry Plug… nothing made sense, "But I heard that you were… I saw your…"
"It was a false reading made by the techs. And I was extremely hurt but unconscious. Did you forget? Are you okay?" He put his left hand to his forehead and the other to hers. "You don't seem to have a fever…"
How did he know what she was going to say with just those words? She wanted to bring up that NERV confirmed his vitals went… "silent", and that she saw his unmoving arm under the crushed Entry Plug... Did he read her mind?
…
…
…
Did it even matter how he even knew?
She could feel his warmth through his hands. It was him… it was Shinji… he was okay. He wasn't dead. He was in front of her. This was what mattered. Nothing else mattered right now… Right?
Tears started to form in her eyes. Shikinami immediately hugged him, not wanting to let him go. "You're okay… You're okay…"
He stood still awkwardly, unsure what to do. Instead, he shyly said, "Um… Of course I am… we came from the hospital toge-"
Her voice started to quiver, "I thought you were... dead. I thought I killed you." He's not dead… He's alive. "Thank you… thank you for being alive. Thank you for not leaving me."
Shinji apologized, "Sorry, I didn't mean to worry you… I'm sorr-"
Asuka tightened her grip on him, "Just shut up and hold me, Idiot." After a few seconds, she could feel his hand wrapping around her hesitantly… But she didn't care. She could feel his warmth holding her.
She didn't care how they got here. She didn't care what really happened after the battle or the fact that she couldn't remember. She didn't care if he was almost ruining this moment by holding her with uncertainty unlike before when he held her with blinding confidence during the kiss. She was just happy that he was alive and here... with her.
"Um… sorry," the boy apologized once more, with some pain in his voice, "but you're hurting me. I'm still injured, you know…"
The redhead immediately let him go and put her hands behind her back, "Oh… sorry about that." He gave out a small laugh. God, it felt good to hear that laugh again. But… "What's so funny?" she asked with a frown, wondering why he was laughing.
He shook his head, "Sorry… It's just… This is probably the first time you've apologized to me."
"Whatever…" she turned her head as she crossed her arms, but there was a small smile on her face. She didn't care if she was embarrassed. He was here… and that's all that mattered to her. She noticed the dinner plate that she prepared for him, "Aren't you going to eat that? The food's going to get cold, Idiot."
"O-Oh," he slowly sat back down, "right, yea… Thanks Asuka… for making this for me."
The Second Child sat down as her roommate grabbed the spoon. She rested her elbow on the table with her head on top of the hand, watching him eat her handiwork. There was a smile on her face when Shinji exclaimed, "Wow, Asuka, this is really good!"
She responded, "Of course it is. Do you know how long and hard I've worked to make this? You should be grateful."
"I really am, Asuka… this is really good, thanks for this." The Third Child continued to devour the food in front of him.
Asuka watched in content as he ate the food she prepared. Her smile never left her as he continued.
But... she just couldn't help but have this nagging feeling in her chest. Was this real? Is this really happening?
She shook her head. Why was she doubting this? Didn't she already confirm that it was Shinji in front of her? Why was she feeling like this? She didn't care about these questions, it didn't matter to her… Right?
So Why...
Why did something feel off? How and when did they get back? How long has it been since the battle? Why couldn't she remember?
Was he really here eating the food she made? Was he really here… talking to her? Was he really okay?
Why couldn't this feeling just leave her alone and let her enjoy this moment with him?
When Shinji finished, he placed the spoon down, "Thanks for the food… It was great! Um... You know Asuka, maybe you can teach me how to make this when we have a chance. And… I can start making this for your meals, if you want."
"Yea…" she smiled, pushing back the feeling of uncertainty in the back of her mind, "I would like that…" The girl then quickly shook her head, "But I'll teach you only if I have time."
He laughed again, "Of course, Asuka."
But that feeling kept coming back when she saw that eye of his. Why? He's here isn't he? Why was this feeling still coming back?
She shook her head, "Just ignore it. It's probably nothing. Besides, he's here. The promises… we can still keep them... and we still have to talk about…" "Hey Shinji, about what happened the other day before the activation te-" Asuka trailed off when she noticed that he was focused on the clock in the wall instead of paying attention to what she was saying. A bit annoyed by this action from the Third Child, she asked, "What's wrong?"
Shinji's face frowned, having this apologetic look to it, "Um… Asuka… I'm sorry…"
The redhead tilted her head, "For what?" What was he apologizing for? "And what's with that look?"
"I… I lied. I… don't think I can make anything for you anymore."
This was when that cursed feeling went into overdrive.
She put her hand down, her face filled with worry, "W-What are you talking about?" Asuka couldn't help but sense the worst was going to happen. "Please no…"
"I'm sorry… I wanted to at least spend one more time with you before… I… I'm really sorry about this." He got up.
But this time, Shinji didn't grunt or give any sort of limp or sign that he was in pain. She tried to reach out to stop him but he managed to slip away.
Not only was he walking like normal, from her point of view, it seemed as though he was getting further away with each step he took, more so than a normal walk. It felt like he was going out of her grasp. "S-Shinji!" Asuka reached out, but he didn't respond to her call. She got up and started to chase after him. But somehow he was already miles away from her.
When did the hallway of the apartment get so long? How was he already this far ahead of her?
She lunged forward in an attempt to grab him.
Then, all of a sudden, Asuka met with a flood of LCL. She closed her eyes trying in reflex as she was pushed backwards by the wave. "SHINJI!"
Asuka felt something behind her, stopping her in place, and the wave subsided, but this feeling around her body… This feeling was all too familiar to her... The sensation of Piloting an Evangelion.
When she opened her eyes, she found herself back in her EVA Unit 02, wearing her plugsuit. In front of her was the black EVA she never wanted to see again.
She found herself in the battlefield against Unit 03 once more. And Asuka couldn't stop herself from attacking the black EVA, her body was moving on its own. "NO! Why am I back here? I was just talking with him! Why won't my body listen to me?"
She could feel the grin on her face as she managed to push the Angel down and ripped apart the armor covering its core. "No! Stop!… This is a dream, this can't be real. This can't be happening again. This battle was already over! The two of us were just talking in the apartment!"
She could hear her Unit's mouthguard breaking as it released a loud roar. She could feel her body enjoying the sensation of victory as the red Evangelion mimicked her movements, starting to tear the fallen Evangelion limb from limb, flesh from flesh. Asuka couldn't stop herself from killing Angel within Unit 03… from killing Shinji again.
No longer able to deny what was happening in front of her, she screamed in her mind, "JUST STOP! STOP! HE'S IN THERE! DAMN IT, STOP!" Whatever was happening, whatever she was seeing, she was back in the forsaken battle except her body was actually enjoying this… her body was enjoying killing him.
When Unit 02 pulled the Entry Plug out of the wreckage, it started to crush it between its hands, "DAMN IT! JUST. STOP!" The redhead was trying with all her might to stop herself from destroying the Entry Plug. But her body wouldn't listen.
Much to her dismay, the Entry Plug was soon replaced with the Third Child who no longer had any injuries on him but was still wearing his middle school uniform. "SHINJI!"
She could feel her smile widened as she increased Unit 02's pressure, "This isn't me. This ISN'T ME! Please stop! Don't you know who this is? IT'S SHINJI! JUST STOP!" Much to her horror, she heard herself yell, "JUST DIE ALREADY!"
Her hands increased their pressure on the boy as he looked at her with a sad smile. "Please no. NO. NO! NOT AGAIN!" Unit 02 released a roar.
Shinji managed to get out his final words with a smile, "This isn't your fault… The food was delicious by the way… thank you… and… remember, no matter what, I don't blame you"
He closed his eyes to her, accepting his fate. His smile never left as he said, "I'll always like you… Please... take care of yourself."
Those last words were the last she heard as Unit 02 completely crushed him in its arms.
"NO! SHINJI!" Asuka screamed as she was able to finally move her body the way she wanted to and reached out. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she saw the Third Child's lifeless body fall to the ground.
Asuka's eyes opened, revealing an unfamiliar ceiling to her. Her right hand was reaching up, mimicking the last action she was performing from her nightmare. She could feel tears rolling down the side of her face, the dream still fresh in her mind.
"Shinji…"
"Asuka!" Misato came over and held her hand, "You're awake! Thank god! I was so worried!"
Misato hated this. She hated what happened. She desperately wanted this to be some sick, twisted nightmare she was having. But that wasn't the case.
EARLIER AT UNIT 03'S ACTIVATION SITE - SOME TIME AFTER THE BATTLE WITH UNIT 03
When she awoke, she saw Kaji sitting down next to her with her laying down on top of a stretcher. The Colonel had a cast on her left hand, bandages at her cheek and around her head. All she could see was the lights of the ambulance illuminating the evening sky and that unshaven man's face. It hurt to turn her head to him. It hurt to move any part of her body.
When Kaji saw that she was awake, he noticed her look which was asking for what happened, so Ryoji skipped the pleasantries and debriefed her. Unit 03 being infected by the Angel, the battle, and Asuka being forced by the Dummy Plug System to eliminate the Angel. It was fortunate that she, Ritsuko, and a few others from the site managed to survive.
As he kept informing her on who survived and what happened in the battle, she noticed that he was dancing around the Third Child's status.
He wasn't telling her what happened to Shinji.
Misato croaked out, "What…" god, her throat felt so dry. But she continued, "What… happened to… Shinji?" She had to know what happened to the boy.
If… if what he told her was true… if a machine system was used to eliminate the Angel because Asuka couldn't… and the way Kaji was dancing around the topic... it only meant one thing…
She clenched her cross necklace, praying to any god she could think of that her instincts were wrong. Praying that the child would be okay.
Kaji looked down. He was hoping that he wouldn't have to be the one to tell her this, but he just couldn't say 'no' to her when she looked at him with such desperation. "I'm sorry, Katsuragi. He's been eliminated alongside the Angel."
Misato's eyes widened as she let that information set in. He's dead. Shinji is... dead… "No… that can't be." He's survived at all odds before. Why would this one be any different? But those eyes… She knew the man long enough to know what that look from him meant.
He wasn't lying.
"No… Shinji!" she immediately turned over, getting out of the stretcher but falling to the floor. She gave a grunt as she fell as her body screamed at her in pain from the impact. She couldn't get up, it hurt to move but she tried to crawl anyway. She had to get to him! He can't be-
"Misato!" Kaji knelt down and held her good hand, "You're in no condition to be moving! We're lucky that you've survived! You need to rest."
She looked at him with eyes filled with desperation and sadness as she yelled, "B-But, he…" She took a deep breath and ignored the pain in her throat, "I... can't just rest knowing that he's in danger! I need to-"
He brought her up and hugged her, "He's gone, Misato. There's nothing more you can do… There's nothing you could've done. He's dead. I'm sorry." She was in understandable denial. He knew that, so he didn't blame her for being so reckless even though she was injured. He'll help her however he can. It may not be him who she needed, but Kaji was the only one here who she could lean on right now…
Misato couldn't believe it. This was not how everything was supposed to have ended… this was supposed to be a quick activation test… After this, she was supposed to treat him… They were supposed to go back home together.
The young boy's smile appeared in her head.
The poor, innocent boy… was dead. She couldn't even protect the boy who trusted her… who believed in her.
Misato grasped Kaji's back and cried, "N-No! Sh-Shi-Shiinjiiii!" Ignoring the pain in her throat.
Ryoji held her carefully tight to not to hurt her but enough to give her the comfort she needed. Everyone around them had their head down as they heard the woman give out the worst cry that they've ever heard. None dared to stop her from crying.
That cry was akin to that of a mother's cry who just lost their son… and no one dared to touch her or tell her to stop.
Katsuragi's cries of despair continued to fill the area throughout the night.
…
THE MORNING AFTER - TODAY
Misato was brought in to NERV for additional treatment and potential sign for any contamination for being so close to Unit 03. Thankfully, her throat didn't feel dry anymore after the treatment, but she felt exhausted. The pain coursing through her body did not help one bit.
Once the treatment and checkup was done, Maya came into the room to deliver a message to her. But when she saw the Colonel, all she saw was a defeated woman, not the confident woman who led them through the battle against the Angel.
She hated to bring this up as this may negatively affect the Colonel, but Ibuki had no choice. "She needs to know." Taking a deep breath, Maya delivered the message that Asuka was unconscious in one of the infirmary rooms.
That caused Katsuragi's head to pop up. Hearing that message made her realize something.
There was someone who needed her more than she needed someone. She wasn't the only one who lost someone tonight. That poor girl watched it all happen. She needed to be with her. She can't be sitting here drowning in her own sorrow of losing Shinji. Not when Asuka needed her.
With a newfound drive, Misato ran out of the room.
"Asuka!"
The Colonel ignored orders to rest and headed straight there. She did not care about the pain around her body, her muscles aching, the bones screaming for rest. Her legs were begging for her to stop. But she tried her best to ignore the pain coursing through her body. She needed to see Asuka. She was so focused that she didn't notice that someone was following close behind her.
The poor girl needed someone, and Katsuragi will be damned if she can't be there for the girl in her time of need. She lost one child, she'll be damned if she lost another due to her own inability to be there for her second, and last remaining, ward. Asuka needed someone right now, whether the girl would admit it or not.
But Misato fell half the way to her destination, her legs no longer able to support her march. "Damn it," she tried to get back up but her legs failed her. She hit her leg, ignoring the pain she felt from hitting herself, "Goddammit, move! Asuka… Asuka needs someone with her right now! She shouldn't be alone through this!"
"I agree," Kaji said, appearing behind her. He knelt down and helped her up by wrapping her good arm around his shoulders and wrapping his arm around her waist.
Her eyes widened at the unexpected helper, "K-Kaji? Why are you here?" "Were you waiting for me? Have you been following me ever since I ran out of the room?"
He smirked as he helped her move forward, he confirmed her suspicions, "I've been with you ever since you left the room, you just didn't notice me. And I couldn't leave a beautiful woman like you alone during a time like this."
If it were any other circumstances, she might've blushed… might've, "You asshole. You were stalking me?" But this wasn't the time nor the place for this. She needed help to get to her destination, even if the help is from the person who she has a history with.
"Well, I wouldn't put it like that. You needed help, I just happen to be the only one available to help. Besides…" his voice suddenly turned to a serious tone, "Asuka needs someone right now. And that person is you. I'll help you to her room, but it'll be up to you afterwards. I know it'll be hard for you, but you have to be the strong one for her. I'll help you where I can, but the girl needs you."
Kaji thought to himself, "Besides… you need Asuka more than anyone else right now. You two need each other through this. I… I can't be the one to help you nor be the person you need."
Misato smiled, this was his way of being there for her, and she'll take it. "Thanks…" She didn't care if he was indeed stalking her. She didn't care if he wanted anything from her after this. She was willing to take any help to get to the girl.
Her immediate concern was for Asuka and no one else, not even herself.
The two made their way to the room that the Second Child was currently in. When the door opened, they were met with an unconscious Shikinami, wearing a hospital gown with bandages around her forehead and wrist. In the room with the unconscious girl was an injured Ayanami watching over her as she sat on the chair next to the hospital bed.
The First Child turned her head to the two, "Colonel Katsuragi, it is good to see that you are okay." She got up and bowed. Rei was wearing a hospital uniform with bandages around her arms and legs. Some of the damage that was done to Unit 00 seemed to have transferred to her as well.
Misato smiled, "It's good to see that you're okay too, Rei." "I'm surprised you're here… didn't know that you two were this close."
"Inspector Kaji," she bowed to the unshaven man.
He smiled back at her. He brought the woman in his arms to the chair on the other side of the First Child's. He helped her get situated and said, "Well, I'll leave things to you."
Katsuragi smiled at him, "Thanks Ryoji. I owe you for this."
He winked at her as he made his way to the door, "Don't worry about it. That smile makes everything worth it. Be strong, Katsuragi." Kaji turned to Rei, "Take good care of those two, will you?"
She nodded, "Understood." The blue haired girl sat back down and stared back at the unconscious redhead.
The door closed behind him, leaving the two alone with the sleeping Second Child. After a few seconds of silence, the Colonel decided to break the ice. She turned to the Pilot and asked, "How are your injuries Rei?"
"They are… manageable," she didn't even look at the older woman as she replied. Rei was focused on her fellow Pilot. "How are your own injuries, Colonel Katsuragi?"
"Huh… following through on small conversations now…" "They're fine…"
"That's good to hear… and it's good to see that you are alive and well."
"Thanks Rei…" Misato had to hand it to her, the girl was getting better at making small talks other than with Shinji… "Shinji…" She couldn't ask how the girl was doing. Doing so would mean bringing up Shinji, and the older woman didn't know if she could keep her own emotions in check if either of the two brought his name up right now.
Instead, she commented, "Rei, I'm surprised to see you here… I didn't know that you and Asuka were close."
"We… are not close…" the First Child answered, this time her hands clenching and eyes filled with sadness. "I… I made a promise to… Pilot Ikari... I made a promise to watch over the Second Child should anything happen to him during the activation test…" Rei's eyes started to water a bit before she forced them back. It hurt to say any mention of his name and even his Pilot designation.
Misato looked down with her available hand clenched tightly, trying to force back the wave of emotions, regretting asking that question now. "I… see…" "Shinji… you really did care about Asuka… But you're cruel for asking Rei to do it... when she'll be affected by this too."
The two noticed Asuka squirm in her sleep. The older woman could tell she was having a nightmare, which wasn't surprising considering what the girl went through. "Asuka… I'm so sorry that you have to be the one to go through this… No one should've gone through what you did."
Misato leaned forward trying to comfort the German girl, but then her hand reached forward and her eyes opened. "Asuka!" she came over, ignoring the pain from her body, and held her hand, "You're awake! Thank god! I was so worried!"
Asuka looked to her guardian. She noticed Misato had a cast on her left hand and bandages around her body. The redhead managed to sit up with the woman's help, Misato's hand rewrapped itself around Asuka's. The Second Child looked around the room. The redhead noticed that she was in the hospital bed alone with the older woman on the right and the First Child on the other. She felt the bandages around her forehead and her wrist from the injury she suffered from the battle.
Rei was eyeing the Second Child with eyes that were akin to a worried gaze, "Are you okay?"
The Second Child blinked, ignoring the First Child's question and Misato's concerned eyes. There was only one thing she noticed when she did a quick view of the room. "He… he's not here… no… he… he has to be here."
Asuka looked around the room once more in futile hope… Futile hope that there will be a third person there in the room. Not caring about anyone else around her. She prayed that she would see him here. She prayed that he was okay.
The redhead didn't care about the bandages around her guardian, or the fact that she survived the explosion at Unit 03's test site. Shikinami didn't care about the bandages around her fellow Pilot or how injured she was. She didn't care how she herself ended up in the hospital ward with bandages around her. She only wanted to see him.
Asuka wanted to see Shinji.
But when she didn't find the person she was looking for, Shikinami asked with her voice shaking, "Where... is he?" She stared into Misato's eyes, hanging onto hope that he would be alive… that everything about his death was a false alarm, like Shinji said in her dream.
When the girl didn't receive a reply and instead felt the purple haired woman's grip on her hand weakened, she asked one more time, "Where is Shinji?"
Misato looked to the floor, figuring out how to tell the poor girl. She wished that it wasn't her that told the poor girl this, but it was. She, like everyone else in this room, wished that this was a dream… but that wasn't the case. This was real. There's no hiding this fact.
The Colonel needed to tell the truth… no matter how much pain it will bring both to her… and onto herself.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to hold back the tears. Misato looked back at the redhead with watery eyes, "Asuka… there's no easy way for me to tell you this."
All the red flags were raised within the Pilot's head. "Please no! Don't tell me he's gone!" She then remembered what she felt within the dream. "I… I saw him. I felt him when he touched me. I felt him when I hugged him! He has to be alive!"
Katsuragi took a deep breath, "I'm sorry Asuka." "Shinji… he's considered KIA… As of yesterday, he's considered deceased… He was killed with the Ninth Angel. He's gone."
Asuka's blood ran cold. She shook her head, "This can't be real. This… has to be a dream." She tried to ignore the words from the battle confirming his death. She tried to blank out the image of Shinji's arm under the pile of rubble from the crushed Entry Plug. She tried to deny yesterday's events…
She tried to lie to herself, trying to deny the truth she knew and confirmed. She tried to hang onto any blind, futile, fantasy hope she could find. Even if she had to grasp onto her dream in order to latch onto that hope.
But that can only bring her so far.
The Second Child grasped her chest, barely able to hold these feelings back, "He's… he's alive. He has to be." "Because if he isn't… if he isn't… I…"
Misato tightened her hand around her ward's, "Asuka…"
Rei bit her lips, barely able to handle the flood of emotions coming to her as she heard the Colonel say those words. But, she felt the need to say this for both the Second Child and… for herself, "Unfortunately… Pilot Ikari... he is… no longer with us." While this feeling of grief and sadness was somewhat alien to her, she wanted nothing more than for all of it to go away.
She wanted nothing more than to change the events from the battle… She, like the Second Child, wanted to see him again. However, that wasn't the case… and everyone in this room needed to accept this painful fact.
When both Misato and Rei confirmed the truth, it finally hit Asuka.
The redhead tightened her grip on her clothes, "He's… dead…" Finally allowing the truth to settle in her mind one more time… Tears started to roll down the girl's face. Everything from the last few days to the fight with Unit 03 and Shinji's last words to her replayed in her head.
"I… like you… and good-bye."
And then from the dream.
"I'm sorry… I wanted to at least spend one more time with you before… I… I'm really sorry about this.
"Please take care of yourself."
"No. I… I… he… we promised… and I… need to talk…" She couldn't make full sentences as her mind was traveling too fast for her mouth to keep up. The promises that the two made. The talk that she wanted to have with him.
The daily life that she came to enjoy. His smiles… She would never be able to see him again. She would never be able to talk to him again. She would never hear him laugh again. She would never be able to do anything with him again.
She would never see his smile again.
Maybe that the apartment was just a hopeful dream of what Asuka wished would happen, and the battle that came afterwards was a nightmare that brought her back to reality. Or… maybe… it was Shinji's last farewell to her only for her dream to ruin it all.
And that broke her. Every ounce of hope she had remaining slipped away, dread and despair filling her entire being.
Even her dreams denied her any sort of peace and rest.
Misato let go of the girl's arm and wrapped herself around Asuka, bringing the Pilot in for a hug. Katsuragi ignored the physical pain she was feeling from her injuries. She didn't care. The girl needed her, she needed someone right now. They all did.
As the redhead felt her guardian wrap her arm around her. She tried to push her away first, lying to everyone in the room, "Please… just leave me alone… I want to be alone."
Katsuragi didn't let her go and held strong, "Asuka. I'm not leaving. I'm here for you."
She promised to never cry again. She hated how she let herself lean on someone. But Asuka couldn't help herself. This pain… It was too much to bear. Shikinami couldn't help but bury her head into Misato's shoulders. Her cries filled the room.
She grasped the Colonel's red jacket as hard as she could and cried out loud. "Shinji… I want to see you. I want to eat your cooking. I want to walk with you again. I want to hear you play cello one more time. I want to talk with you…
The Second Child screamed as the words were muffled by her guardian's jacket, "WHHYYYY!" "Why did you have to leave me? Why… Why aren't you here… with me? It hurts so much knowing I won't see you again."
Rei, unsure what to do, held her hand out in the air, "What do I do in this situation? Shinji… What should I do? How can I 'take care of her'?" The other hand held close to her chest. "Shinji… I want to see you." Tears started to form around her eyes. "It hurts… It hurts to be without you. "
Misato looked up to the blue haired girl and noticed those painful red eyes. She knew those eyes anywhere. Those painful eyes. The woman opened up her arm, temporarily letting go of Asuka who was still grasping tightly at her, "Rei… It's okay to cry… come here."
Rei's tears started to fall down. She touched them, noticing the waters on her cheek. Was… was this okay? Was it okay to cry for his death? Was it okay to cry for the only one who cared about her? Who always tried to talk to her and engage with her? The only one who actually treated her like a friend? Was it really okay to cry just because she wanted to?
Was it okay to cry even though they accomplished their mission… at the cost of Shinji Ikari's life?
"It's okay to cry."
The Colonel's words repeated in her head. Aynami's tears started to fall harder. Those words hit her harder than she thought it would. No longer able to hold her foreign emotion back any longer, she let her emotions burst on through. She jumped into the embrace and let out a cry, a sound she's never made before.
Both the First and Second Child allowed their commanding officer to wrap them in a motherly embrace as best as Misato could with only one available arm.
The purple haired woman couldn't help but let her emotions flow out as well. Tears came down. She had to be strong for these two. Damn it! She had to be strong… But Shinji… it brought her so much pain knowing that she would never see him again. Misato would never be able to talk to the boy. Misato would never have that family environment again that she's come to love and enjoy…
She let out a whimper as she brought the two Pilots in her arm closer. She closed her eyes and let the tears run down.
Nothing was going to be the same again… and that fact hurt everyone in this room.
Maya puked in NERV's public bathroom toilet stall once more. Everytime she recalls the events of the last battle, she was forced to the bathroom before she made a mess. She collapsed next to the toilet seat, not caring about the sanitation around it.
The images of the battlefield. The Second Child's deafening scream. Misato's look of defeat when she met with the Colonel in the hospital room… the guilt of sacrificing the poor, innocent Third Child… Maya couldn't handle it…
She couldn't even bring herself to chase after Colonel Katsuragi when she ran out of the room. Ibuki, one of the people involved with activating the Dummy Plug System, couldn't look the woman in the eye. Afterall, she was involved in taking away someone Misato considered almost as a son.
"It… It just isn't fair. Not for Asuka… Not for Colonel Katsuragi... and not for Shinji."
None of this was fair.
Makoto Hyuga sighed as he looked over the files in his desk outlining the battle and the pictures of the aftermath. It was not pretty to look at nor was it anything he ever wanted to look at, but he had to properly record the events. He rubbed his eyes. He's been at it since last night. Everyone in NERV was able to sleep. Yesterday's event was still fresh in everyone's mind.
Shigeru Aoba, his friend, placed the coffee down on Hyuga's desk, "I'm sorry that you have to be the one to do this."
Makoto chuckled as he took a sip of the drink, "Well, next time we'll play a different game other than rock paper scissors."
He chuckled, "Maybe next time, don't choose rock."
"But you always chose scissors before!" The two laughed for a few seconds before they stopped and looked to the floor. "Hey… do you think we even have the right to laugh and have fun like this?" Bringing them back to the reality of their situation. Did they have the right to even smile?
Aoba sighed as he sat in his chair, "I… I don't know. But it's not fair that the kids have to suffer just so that we and the rest of humanity can live."
"And Shinji's… He… the poor kid didn't deserve this." Hyuga shook his head, trying to get the image of the body out of his head, "...And god, that scream from Asuka… How would she even recover from this?"
The long haired man looked up to the ceiling, "If the Sub Commander didn't order the increase in LCL pressure when he did, causing her to lose consciousness, I'm not sure if Asuka would've recovered from the mental breakdown she was going to have. But because he did, he gave a buffer period for the mind to adjust… and even if it didn't, at least she's now with people who can help her instead of being alone in that Entry Plug."
Makoto asked, "Is… is she awake yet?"
He shook his head, "I'm not sure. But from what I hear, the Colonel, after getting medical treatment, ran to the Second Child as soon as she heard. We should be glad that both Colonel Katsuragi and Dr. Akagi managed to survive."
The spiky haired man looked back at the paperwork before hin, unable to look his colleague in the eye, "Do you think that Misato will be okay? She… she just lost someone who she was taking care of… she almost thought of him as a brother… no… he was the closest person she had to a son."
Aoba looked to the area that she usually stood when missions began, "She has a better handle with her emotions than the Second Child."
"..." The answer wasn't a 'Yes' or a 'No'. It was just a statement that the guardian of the deceased Third Child was able to handle the pain better than the Second Child. But who can recover from this? Especially the child from all the trauma she saw and faced headon.
The two said at the same time, "This is so unfair."
Thirteen SEELE obelisks surrounded Gendo and Fuyutsuki as the two gave the update on the current situation. Needless to say, some of the Committee that was surrounding the two NERV members were not happy with how the battle against the Ninth Angel had ended.
SEELE 03 screamed, "This is unacceptable! We lost the Pilot of Unit 01? And how did that happen exactly? Would you mind repeating it for us?"
Gendo repeated his report with his usual cold, unwavering tone, "Evangelion Unit 03 was possessed by the Angel, causing contamination to both the Evangelion Unit and the Third Child. We had to eliminate the imminent threat before it got out of hand."
SEELE 07 responded to his fellow Committee member, "Calm yourself. There's one thing we were able to confirm through this unfortunate event."
SEELE 02 asked, "And please pray and tell us, what was beneficial about this?"
SEELE 05 replied, "Dummy Plug System is a success."
SEELE 08 angrily reminded, "Only on Unit 02! Whether it will work on Unit 01 is still in question."
SEELE 04 reassured, "As long as it works with an EVA means that there's a chance that it will be able to activate and synchronize with Unit 01."
SEELE 06 said, "Unit 01 has been… a bit picky in the past. I'm not sure if it will succeed. But, I for one, think this is within a line of deviation."
SEELE 09 yelled, "WHAT?"
SEEKE 10 added, "The fact that it was successful with an EVA is proof that the system works. There shouldn't be any issues with truly Awakening Unit 01."
SEELE 11 reminded everyone, "That's a big 'should'! We don't know if Unit 01 can activate and synchronize with the Dummy Plug System, let alone Awaken. The system was only able to activate and synchronize with Unit 02. We're playing a really dangerous game here. We're this close to losing our scenario!"
SEELE 01 interjected, "Enough." Silence befell in the room, "We could not have completely foreseen this event. What has happened with the Third Child is… unfortunate, but it will not hinder the plan. As long as we can use Unit 01, it will not matter. The Angel was a top priority and Gendo executed his tasks magnificently with the cards he was given."
SEELE 13 agreed, "As long as the Angels do not reach Lilith, the plan will not go unchanged, though it may be deviated."
SEELE 12 added, "But we can't afford to suffer any more losses."
SEELE 01 ordered, "Ikari, you are to figure out a way to use Unit 01, whether it be by another Pilot or the use of the Dummy Plug System. And bring Unit 01 out of stasis and into its cage for testing with the System."
Gendo responded in his usual nonchalant manner, "Of course."
The obelisks disappeared. Leaving both the Commander and Sub Commander alone in the dark room. Fuyutsuki turned to the younger man, "Was it wise not to inform them that we already brought Unit 01 out of stasis and it rejected the Dummy Plug System when we ran the activation test?"
The Commander stayed seated as he answered, "We only need to deliver what they asked for. As they did not ask if we've already done so or not, there is no point in letting them know. They only care about results, as you should know."
"In other words, keep them on a need-to-know basis… Like always," the elder man didn't know if he agreed with this decision, but what could they benefit from letting SEELE know about Unit 01's rejection with the Dummy System? For now, he'll let his former student play his game with them, like always.
Ikari stood up, "Have the requested items arrived?" And took off his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose.
After Gendo took off his shades, Fuyutuski could see his red eyes and bags under his eyes, showing fatigue and the lack of sleep his former student had after what happened yesterday. Not that the older man was in any better state.
He too had red eyes and his face showed visible stress that carried over from yesterday's events. Almost no one at NERV was able to sleep after yesterday's event, not even the two of them. The battle was the most gruesome and difficult battle they've ever faced.
The sacrifice that was made yesterday… Everyone in NERV knew that one would eventually have to be made in the war against the Angels. But none, including the cold hearted Gendo Ikari, expected the death of the Third Child to impact them this badly.
...However...
The former professor nodded, "Yes. Though, what we have recently discovered about the item may... surprise you." He handed the Commander of NERV a folder containing multiple documents and reports.
Gendo put his shades on once more and read the report in his hands. His eyes widened when he realized the contents he was looking at, "Who knows about this?"
"Dr. Akagi and us."
His usual cold confidence has returned within his eyes, "Finally, some good news. At last, the heavens are shining down upon us." "Good. And I trust that the necessary steps were taken to ensure the security of this information? Have all the other parties involved been dealt with?"
Fuyutsuki nodded with a small smirk, "Of course." Who did his former student take him for? Afterall, it was he who taught Gendo to be efficient in cleaning loose ends.
Ikari closed the folder. They had work to do. "Where is Ritsuko?"
The old man answered, "She's still in recovery. It's a miracle that both she and Katsuragi survive the explosion during Unit 03's activation. Seems that things are finally turning for the better."
Gendo turned with a smirk, "We are indeed fortunate that things are finally looking up, Professor." He walked out of the room with hands clenched. His smile widened, "All is not lost." But his partner in crime wasn't following him. He turned to face the older man, "Will you be coming, Professor?"
Kozo shook his head, "I have… personal matters to attend to."
Ikari knew what he meant. This old man was too sympathetic with some people, especially with that Second Child, the sole remaining survivor of the Shikinami series. But… he'll let this go. Afterall, the result he's brought into light may very well ensure the success of their newly revised scenario.
"Very well. Do as you please."
After what felt like hours, the cries in the hospital room ceased.
Asuka's eyes were red with her face red and puffy. Rei was no better but she seemed to have returned back to her stoic self. Misato looked the better of the three. She had to be strong for the kids. She had to be strong for Asuka who is in so much pain and holding so much guilt about what happened.
But deep down, even the grown woman was also taking it hard. She was putting on a front for these two, so that she could at least be sttonh for the children…
Upon the request from Shikinami, the Colonel clarified and reconfirmed everything one more time… The use of the Dummy Plug System with Unit 02 to destroy and eliminate the Angel… and it's Pilot.
Asuka seemed distant now. She wasn't even looking at the older woman. The girl was just looking at her hands, and only her hands. Misato held one of her hands, "Asuka…"
The Second Child asked with a low tone, "Who installed the Dummy Plug System?" She sounded so defeated but one could sense the anger in her tone.
Misato was afraid of where this was going to go, "Well, it was the workers. You're going to have to be more specific." She tried to dance around the topic, but knew it was futile. She needed time to figure out how to properly answer to the girl without her going wild.
Asuka elaborated as she asked once more, "Who was the one that was in charge of the Dummy Plug System?" That tone… it broke Misato's heart to hear the once lively girl speak like this.
The purple haired woman looked down, she had to answer the poor girl… she at least deserved that much, "Ritsuko, the Sub Commander, and the Commander."
The redhead's eyes twitched when her guardian said, 'Commander'. This was the only physical reaction that Misato was able to get out of the girls after the three of them stopped crying. That worried her. This girl harbored understandable ill feelings for the Commander, and there was no telling what she might do should she see him.
Katsuragi knew that the girl in front of her was acting like this due to the guilt that she must be feeling… and the loss of the Third Child, who she blames herself for his death. "Asuka… You need to hear this. You probably don't want to, but you need to understand… What happened to Shinji isn't your fault."
Shikinami mumbled just loud enough for the two other people in the room to hear, "But it was." Her hands started to shake. Misato, noticing this, tightened her grasp on the girl's hand.
"Asuka…"
"If something happens during the activation test. Please… take care of Asuka for me."
Those words from Shinji repeated in Ayanami's head. She needed to do something to help the Second Child. But how? What can she do to help? "What would you do in this situation… Shinji?" She noticed the way that Colonel Katsuragi was holding the Pilot's hand. "Ah… perhaps… I should…"
Rei mimicked the Colonel's action and clasped both her hands on the Second Child's other hand. "But now what do I do now? Should I… remind her? To support Colonel Katsuragi's claim?" "Pilot Shikinami..." The red eyes tried to look into the near lifeless sapphire eyes. "Do you not remember what Pilot Ikari said? That it was not your fault?"
Misato was both surprised and glad at the First Child's actions. This was normally not something that the girl would do, but she was willing to take any support she can get in helping the girl… But… "Rei, you don' t have to push yourself too much… You're hurt by this as well…" But the main concern was the redhead.
"That's easy for you to say," the redhead's voice getting slightly louder with her response, "None of you don't have the Idiot's blood on your hands." Her angry, near lifeless eyes glared at the First Child. "You know, it must be nice being the Commander's Pet… his lifeless Doll, because you don't get to feel anything."
The red eyes blinked at the sudden verbal attack. Did she forget the three leaned on each other for support earlier? "What do you-"
"I don't need your pity," Asuka shook Rei's hand off of her's. "Especially not from someone who only follows orders blindly and supports everything that sad excuse of a Commander does."
Ayanami froze at Asuka's responses. She was called a 'Pet' and a 'Doll' before by the Second Child, but this time, it hurt her. It made her feel an additional unlikeable emotion besides the sadness and grief she was feeling with the loss of the Third Child.
Anger.
The First Child went against the Commander's wishes and engaged the Angel to try and attempt to save Shinji… And this was the response she was getting from the Second Child? Ayanami shook her head.
No, she tried to make herself understand, The German girl was reacting to the grief and sadness… The girl wasn't thinking logically, at least that's what Rei thought.
So, to help the angry Second Child, despite her lack of knowledge on the subject, Ayanami is willing to try her best to understand Shikinami's reactions and responses.
Misato responded before this got out of hand, "Asuka, that's not fair. Rei went against orders to be on standby in order to attempt to rescue Shinji."
Asuka turned to her. Why is she defending the girl that is favored by the very man who used her and Unit 02 to kill Shinji? But… Ayanami did go against orders to be on standby to engage Unit 03… didn't she?
The grown woman continued, "Asuka… I know this is hard for you… it's hard for everyone. But please don't push us away. Both Rei and I are here for you! We want to help you."
Her defeated tone returned once more after seeing the image of the crushed Entry Pod in her head, "'You know how hard it is for me'? That's easy for you to say. Maybe you two didn't hear me the first time. So I'll say it again."
She glared at the two, "Neither of you have his blood on your hands. You don't know what I'm feeling nor do you really care."
Asuka was right...but wrong at the same time... They can't begin to fandom the amount of true pain that Shikinami must be going through right now, especially since she was there to witness it first hand and watch as a machine used her own hands to kill Shinji. And she was powerless to stop the machine from using her.
But Rei felt that she understood a part of her pain. Afterall, she could only watch and was powerless to stop the Dummy Plug from controlling Unit 02 and killing the Third Child. She was powerless to save Shinji. She couldn't get the Commander to shut down the Dummy System.
As for Misato… She was there at the test site and couldn't do anything as the Angel took over Unit 03 with Shinji inside of it. She was right there and she couldn't protect him.
And… Asuka was wrong on the second account. Misato did care about her, how could the girl say that? Misato took her in and thought of her as her own daughter! But Misato had to be strong here. She can't let Asuka push her away like this.
For Rei… it was a bit different. The promise… she wanted to keep it… but… Rei felt something when she looked at those blue eyes. For her, the closest thing would be that she felt the same. The pain she saw in those eyes, she almost saw a reflection of her own emotions through it…
...
Ah… "So… that's how it is… I… feel the same as her."
Katsuragi tightened her hand, "Asuka… We do care. We want to help. We're aren't doing this because we pity you. We're doing this because we care. And we do know what happened was not your fault."
She shook off Misato's hand as well, "Leave me alone. I know you're lying."
"But Asuk-"
"It is my fault. If I was just a little bit stronger, maybe I could've done something. Maybe if I was just a bit better, we could've avoided all this." Her voice got louder as she looked at her guardian, "Maybe if I didn't freeze up like I did and hesitated, then the damn machine wouldn't have been used and the Idiot WOULD'VE BEEN ALIVE!"
Rei thought to herself, "You're not the only one who feels like this." If she was just a better Pilot, maybe she would've been able to retrieve the Entry Plug before it was too late. Maybe if she was faster, she wouldn't have let the Angel get the better of her. And... If… if she decided to work with the Second Child instead of charging in head first… the two might've been able to work together to save him…
But that wasn't what happened.
Misato leaned in closer to the girl to get her attention and held her again once more, "Please. I… I know this must be hard for you. And I can't begin to imagine the amount of pain you must be feeling. But… please. Asuka, please know that we DO care, and we DON'T pity you. We understand that you're in pain."
"Pilot… Asuka…" Rei uncharacteristically called her by her first name like she did during the battle. "I do understand that you feel responsible for his death. But… Shinji did not hold you accountable… I hope you at least understand and remember that."
'Shinji'… Rei rarely used the Third Child's first name. And when she did, it was only when she ever showed some sort of rare emotions. And this with the past few times… were one of those moments.
However, just because they didn't blame her… she mumbled as she looked to her hands, "Maybe everyone and the Idiot don't, but I do. I blame myself." She still blamed herself for what happened, no matter what everyone told her.
"It is not your fault."
"Why do you even care?"
Ayanami's voice still calmed but now had an uncharacteristic force to it, "I will not watch the person Shinji tried to protect, hold herself at fault for what happened. Do you think that Shinji would want to see you acting like this?"
Asuka gritted her teeth, "And do you think I want to be the one to go through this? Do you think that I wanted any of this to happen?"
"No, however-"
"Then let me ask you something, Rei," there was a heavy distaste in her voice when she called the First Child by her first name. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
She turned to her guardian, "Misato, why didn't you tell me? Why didn't anyone tell me sooner that Idiot Shinji volunteered to be Unit 03's activation test! If you did, maybe we could have planned something ahead of time!"
Misato responded with what she knew was a poor excuse, "I… we couldn't. Shinji wanted this to be kept a secret from you… it was his wish… we couldn't just-"
Shikinami accused her, "You lied to me. You all did."
"I'm sorry." Katsuragi really was, she didn't want Asuka to find out like this, nor did she want her to lose all trust in the older woman, "But Shinji didn't want you to find out until after yesterday's activation test. And I couldn't tell you before the battle because I barely survived the Angels attack. It was all too sudden."
The part of the dream where she could feel her own body's enjoyment of killing Unit 03 came back up in her mind. It was similar to how she felt when she was this close to destroying Unit 03's core the first time… The time when she almost killed Shinji without realizing that he was the one inside the EVA.
Her defeated tone never left her, "And what would've happened if no one told me about him and I found out after I killed him? How do you think I would've felt then?" But the venom in her voice was there.
There was no answer from the two for a while. The two knew that they kept a secret from her and that she would've felt worse if no one told her in the end. If she found out that Shinji was the Pilot after she killed him… it would've destroyed her, even more so than now.
Asuka knew that it wasn't their fault. But, right now, she didn't care. All she wanted was to be left alone. All she wanted was for them to leave so that she could be alone.
She didn't need them. She doesn't need anybody… not anymore.
"That's what I thought," she pointed to the door. "Leave me alone. You guys can go now. I don't want to be near people who lied to me."
But Rei was not going to leave just because Unit 02's Pilot wanted to be alone. She was not going to leave. Other than to keep the promise, she didn't fully understand why she didn't want to leave her alone. She saw her own feelings reflected in Asuka's eyes… could that be the reason as to why she didn't want to leave her fellow Pilot alone?
No… that shouldn't matter. Unit 00's Pilot felt the need to stay with the redhead for now, and that's what she'll do, but… she didn't know what to say. She didn't know how to comfort someone. Rei didn't know how to 'take care' of someone like Shinji requested of her to do.
Misato held strong. "Asuka… we're not leaving. We're sorry that we lied to you. We've lost your trust… But we're not leaving you. You can't be alone through this… no one can get through what you went through alone…"
"Why can't you two just leave?"
"Because Asuka," the purple haired woman said, "we care for you. We're all in this together."
"Just leave."
"Asuka-"
"LEAVE!" The Second Child threw her pillow at Misato. It hurt the grown woman to even be hit by a pillow due to her injuries still being fresh, but she held strong. She was not going to leave. Period. Asuka turned towards the other Pilot, "And you! Don't act like you care! You don't! I am willing to bet that you're only here because someone ordered you to!"
Rei replied, unsure if this was the right answer to say at this time, "I'm here upon Shinji's request to assist you… to watch over you in case something were to… go awry during the activation test."
"See? You don't care. You're here just because someone told you to be." She noticed that Misato's hand was still on hers, "Are you ever going to let go?"
Misato looked her dead in the eye, "No. I'm not. I'm not leaving nor am I letting you go because I care about you. Asuka, we're all in this together. We all lost… Shinji."
But the Second Child didn't believe her, "You're lying. Why should I trust you even though you lied to me?"
"I cared about Shinji… so did Rei… please… Asuka, don't push us away… Asuka, we need each other right now. I need you. Rei needs you. And… You don't have to trust me or Rei. But… Do you trust Shinji?"
That froze the redhead. She did. Even though he kept a secret from her, even though he was no longer with her, she did. Even though he left her, she still trusted him… And it brought her pain knowing that she still trusted him.
"You don't have to trust us, but… please at least trust in Shinji who trusted us." But Misato didn't know if she had the right to say that… after all, Shinji trusted her… believed in her… and yet she couldn't be there for him when he needed her.
"Why…" Asuka's head dropped and her shoulders started to shake. She didn't want to say how she felt, but for some reason, it was all spilling through, "Why do you have to say that? Do you know how much more I hate myself when you tell me that? Of course I do. I hate myself even more knowing that my hands were used to kill him even though I trusted him… even though he trusted me."
"I-..."
A new voice called out, "If you wish to hate anyone, don't hate yourself, Pilot Shikinami. If you wish to hate anyone, let it be me."
The three turned to the owner of the voice. How and when did he get in without any of them noticing? Sub Commander Fuyutsuki had a stern look as he stated, "Pilot Shikinami… if you wish to blame someone, blame me… since I was the sole cause of this."
Author's note: That's the end for now.
Originally, I wanted the chapter to stop a bit later on, but with how long everything was already getting, I thought it was best to split it into two parts. Hopefully the second part for this won't take too long. *fingers crossed*
Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed.
Till next time!