Author's notes: Thank you everyone for the reviews and the continued support! Hope you are all doing well.
I've realized that there are/were spelling/grammatical errors on my chapters, so I apologize in advance if it makes it hard to read. But I hope that it doesn't deter you from enjoying the story.
Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion.
TEN YEARS AGO - RESEARCH FACILITY IN GERMANY
As Kozo entered an office in the afternoon, the first sight he was met with was a messy floor and desk filled with piles of papers, opened books, and empty paper cups with coffee stains on the sides. There was barely any room to walk let alone a place to sit. By his definition, this place was a dump. He never understood how the owner of the office, someone who is one of the most highly regarded scientist in the world, could be this… unkept. Fortunately, he noticed that one side of the room had a small clean area where a long haired blonde woman was sitting on a couch.
Both of them were wearing their lab coats with Fuyutsuki having a button down with a tie and dark brown pants underneath the white lab coat while she wore a red blouse and a long black skirt underneath her lab coat. As the door closed behind him, he noticed that there was a small person sleeping in the woman's arms.
The small figure had long red hair with hair ties tying the left and right ends of her hair. She was wearing a red sweater and sweatpants. The little girl didn't seem older than three, maybe four years old.
Fuyutsuki, talking in Japanese, started to say, "Ms. Soryu, oh I mean Ms. Shiki-"
"Kozo, I told you to call me by my first name." The blonde woman responded in the same language as she slowly turned so as to not disrupt the sleeping child in her arms. "We've known each other long enough to at least have that, don't we?"
He nodded, "Right… Old habits die hard, I suppose, Kyoko."
She giggled in response, "You do realize that you're older than me. If anything, I should be the one calling you by your title, Professor Fuyutsuki."
He gave out a small chuckle as well. The two spent a few seconds laughing before having to stop when they saw the small girl squirm in Kyoko's arms, "Nnnggg". The woman managed to calm the girl before she awoke, allowing the child to stay asleep. As the little girl started to snooze once more, the blonde to take a quick sigh of relief.
Kyoko commented in a lower voice, "Beautiful, isn't she?" She had that look in her eyes that resembled a mother looking at her precious daughter.
Fuyutsuki had to give credit where it's due, this was one of the perfect clones for the Shikinami Series. No defects. No mental instability. The child before them was one of the few dozens out of the hundreds that were managed to be created perfectly. But for the life of him, he couldn't understand…
He asked in a lower voice as well as to not disturb the sleeping child, "I don't mean any offense, Kyoko, but why this one out of the dozens of successful Shikinami Series? And why are you giving such care for this specific one? You even changed your Soryu name into Shikinami just for that girl. She's just a clone, she can never take your late daughter's place."
He was being blunt and cruel with his statement, but he had to know the answer.
Kyoko lost her only daughter years ago in an accident before spearheading the creation of the Shikinami Series, named after her own late mother. He knew that it still hurt the her to think about her late child, but he had to ask. He had to know.
Originally, some thought that leading the development of the Shikinami Series was a means for her to cope. While others thought it was a means for her to find a replacement for her lost daughter. Then, due to her increase in passion and devotion for Project E, the creation of the Evangelion Units, everyone collectively thought the reason to create the Shikinami Series soon turned into a drive for Soryu… or, now, Shikinami… to create the clones to become the perfect Evangelion Pilots.
Fuyutsuki was one of them. He thought that she had long abandoned her goal of recreating her daughter and put her focus on creating the Shikinami Series for Project E… For the future of mankind…
So why was she so attached to this specific clone of the Shikinami Series? Kyoko even went as far as to change her family name to match with the Series, and was currently in the process of actually adopting the one in her arms as her own daughter. One would think that she may have lost her mind with how overly obsessed she was with this specific clone. She was treating the little girl like her daughter... no, that wasn't right. Kyoko was treating this one even more than she ever did with her own late daughter.
And, again, the question always comes back to this one. Why this specific one out of all the others?
"It was so very sudden too. One day, out of nowhere, Kyoko came up to this one and started to treat her like she was her own child."
Kyoko didn't seem to take offense to his question as she smiled and she looked at the little girl sleeping in her arms, "Because she is Asuka… My Asuka… My precious Asuka. You wouldn't understand. No one in this world would understand what I see."
That smile froze the older man. That smile reminded him of Yui as she held her child in her arms. That smile from Kyoko was exactly the same as hers. The image was almost a perfect reflection that he didn't think much of her words. He could tell, to her, it didn't matter if the girl was a clone, Kyoko really did think of the little girl as her own child, if not more. He's seen a lot of people in the world, both mentally stable and unstable. And this, what he saw right here, right now, was not the face of a woman who is losing her mind. In fact, she looked the most sane and happiest out of everyone he's ever seen, only outclassed by Yui and her son.
"I… see…" Kozo shook his head, remembering that he was called to this room by her because she needed something from him. "Let's not get off topic. Let bygones be bygone, as they say." "So… what did you need to see me for?"
The blonde scientist turned her head to him, "I have a favor to ask. After all, you do owe me one from back then."
"Ah… Is that so? So… What's the favor you would like me to perform to pay you back?"
Kyoko reminded him, "Do you remember all the issues we have with the others from the Shikinami Series?"
"Of course, many were... unfortunately disposed of due to their reactions after their overly prolonged exposure with the prototype Units. Which is why your team is focused on getting the Series to be compatible with just one Unit."
"Which is why I want you to promise me that, should anything happen to me, this one," she shook the girl in her arms lightly, "would never pilot any other Evangelion Units but Unit 02, the one we have here in Germany. Promise me that she will never have to activate and synchronize with any other Units but with the Unit I'm specifically working on for the Shikinami Series. I may sound and look crazy or mentally unstable for showing this much affection to her, but this is my one and only request I make to you… Please..."
There was desperation in her eyes as she continued to look at him, "This is the one promise I want you to make and keep with me."
"You almost make it sound like you won't be around much longer… And that makes this request stranger than it already is. One would request that the friend take care of their child should they leave this world, not prevent them from piloting other Evangelions…" But it was a simple request. Who was he to turn down this request from a friend? Even though he did think that she may currently not be within her right mind, he did owe her. And that look… he couldn't say 'no' to it… "Yes. You have my word." He was a man of his oaths.
The mental picture of how both Kyoko and the sleeping Shikinami clone resembled Yui and her son never left the older man's mind for the long and arduous years to come.
And he most certainly did not know how much suffering this one promise would ultimately bring to him and to everyone else both mentally… and physically.
PRESENT DAY - SECOND CHILD'S INFIRMARY ROOM AT NERV
Fuyutsuki said to the three people in the room who didn't notice him coming into the room. "If you wish to hate anyone, don't hate yourself, Pilot Shikinami. If you wish to hate anyone, let it be me."
The three in the room turned towards him with a surprised look on their faces. He continued, "Pilot Shikinami… if you wish to blame someone, blame me… since I was the sole cause of this."
Rei was surprised to see the Sub Commander here. He was one of the last people she expected to see here in the Second Child's room. He never showed any sympathy to anyone else at NERV. So, why was he here? And what did he mean by it was 'his blame'?
Misato was speechless. The Sub Commander? Here? He wasn't one to ever do anything like this. And what he said, it made her afraid of what her ward would do. She held Shikinami's hands tighter, trying to give any sort of comfort she could and to try to hold the girl back should she become… aggressive.
Asuka's eyes twitched when she saw him and heard those words come out of the Sub Commander's mouth. She didn't care how old and innocent he looked. There was only hate in her eyes to the man before her. There was visible anger filling the redhead's face and her body shaking with anger.
"He was a part of the group… the people in charge of that damn machine… the ones responsible for using my hand to kill-... what did he mean by 'his fault'? Did he do something else other than be a part of that damn system?"
Kozo elaborated, "Pilot Ikari only volunteered and took your spot as Unit 03's test Pilot because he overheard my conversation with Commander Ikari about your special condition with Unit 02."
Asuka's eyes widened when he mentioned that. "He knows… He knows that I have issues with other Units..." But after giving it a quick thought, she closed her eyes and shook her head.
Of course he knew. He was the Sub Commander… in other words, the Commander most likely knew as well. It wouldn't surprise her if Misato knew at this point too. "So… that's what Shinji meant back then… he also knew..." It now made sense when Shinji mentioned that he knew about her condition with Unit 02, how she doesn't do well with any other Units. "The Idiot tried to protect me like some hero… that Idiot, I didn't ask for your protection. But because you did… you're-"
He continued as he put his hands behind his back, "He did not wish for you to get hurt once he found out. And when he did, I supported his decision to be the test Pilot for Unit 03, allowing us to convince the Commander to switch the test Pilot to be him. In short, Pilot Ikari only volunteered and took your spot due to my incompetence to keep your special condition a secret. I'm sorry."
The Second Child's hands twitched in anger. "Sorry?" Did this no good piece of shit just say that? "Sorry?!" Did he think that a simple apology would be enough?! That everything would magically be okay?! "SORRY?!" Out of anger, Asuka jumped out of bed and managed to shake off Misato's hand as she charged forward to the Sub Commander.
Both Rei and Misato tried to reach out. The older woman, however, winced as she did. She didn't have the strength to stop the Pilot, she was still injured. "A-Asuka wai-" she didn't finish as both of them noticed Fuyutsuki's right hand was out, signaling for both her and Rei to stop… And not towards Unit 02's Pilot who was charging at him with fury.
The older man ordered, "Colonel Katsuragi, Pilot Ayanami, you two are to remain where you are. Do not interfere with what is about to transpire." His eyes never left the angry German as she made her way towards him. She stopped about an arm's length from him. "Pilot Shikinami, I've turned off all surveillance in this room. Whatever happens in this room will stay in this room. Do what you mu-"
The poor man didn't get to finish as he was punched in the side of his face by the angry redhead, the force enough to make him recoil backwards but he managed to stay standing. He hunched down as he held his cheek in pain. Both Misato and Rei tried to move to prevent Asuka from attacking anymore, but the Sub Commander stopped them by holding out his hand once again. "You have your orders. Do not interfere. If you do, you will be reprimanded, am I clear?"
Rei bit her lips, unable to disobey his orders. She couldn't understand why he wanted the angry Second Child from unleashing her anger towards him. It didn't make any sense to her. She did have to wonder though, "She has a special condition towards Unit 02?"
And it didn't make any sense to Misato either. Sub Commander Fuyutsuki would never put himself out like this. If anything, he was almost as ruthless as Commander Ikari albeit more sympathetic. Plus, she couldn't interfere if she wanted to, it still hurt for her to walk, let alone stand right now. She was just worried that the redhead would do something she might regret later.
Asuka didn't care about anything else at the moment. She didn't care if the old man gave her the authority to do what she wanted. Whether he gave it or not, she was sure what she's done and would do will not have changed. Her fists shook in anger. "You're sorry? YOU'RE SORRY? That's rich coming from you. WHO are you to tell my secrets to the world? Who are you to take away MY decision over his? WHO ARE YOU TO CHOOSE HIM?"
If it wasn't for him opening his old ass mouth, Shinji wouldn't have become the test Pilot for Unit 03. If it wasn't for him telling the world about her special attachment to Unit 02, Shinji wouldn't be the one to Pilot Unit 03 and die in the end.
Not only that, this man was a part of the people that created the Dummy Plug System, the same System that was used to kill Shinji with her own hands.
Fuyutsuki started to straighten himself up but soon got punched in the other cheek, making him stumble backwards. Blood started to drip down the sides of his lips. Asuka continued, "Let's not forget that YOU and that sad excuse of a father activated the damn drone, using me like some sort of weapon to kill Shinji. Instead of stopping or waiting, you just let it happen! I HATE YOU! If you'd just given me some time, I could've found a way to save him!" Shikinami went up and tripped the man to his back. She went on top of his chest and punched the old man in the face once more, "If you just waited just a bit longer, he would be in this room instead of me and we would be waiting for him to get better."
Tears started to form around the blue sapphire eyes, "We would've gone back home together. If you just waited a little longer, we would have been able to have meals together again, laugh together again."
She punched him again, "IF YOU'D JUST WAITED, HE WOULDN'T BE DEAD!" Asuka gripped his collar, elevating his head as blood dripped down his nose and mouth. Bruises and blood covered his injured face. "It's your fault I can't see him again. It's your fault that I can't even talk to him again. It's your fault that his blood… that his life was taken away by MY hands." She held her head down as her body started to shake.
Through the pain, Fuyutsuki looked at the crying, angry girl. It was hard to believe that it was the same girl that was sleeping in Kyoko's arms. The same innocent little girl from years ago now turned into a broken, defeated, angry teenager. The same little girl who Kyoko held in such high regards and may have loved even more so than her late, biological daughter, was so… broken.
Life was cruel.
He said the only words he could, "I'm sorry."
"Sorry." But to Asuka, he didn't get to be 'sorry'. "If you're sorry, then why didn't you wait? If you'd just waited I could've done something, anything!"
This time, the angry redhead slapped him hard as the sound echoed throughout the room, "If you're sorry, then give him back!" Cuts could be seen on the man's cheeks that were made from her fingernails when she slapped him. Another slap with her backhand. "Give him back!" More cuts appearing in the other cheek. She tightened her grip on his collar with both her hands and slammed the man's head into the floor, "Come on! You're sorry aren't you? THEN GIVE HIM BACK!"
Misato couldn't look at this anymore. Despite Asuka's understandable outburst, it was misplaced. The Commander was ultimately the person who ordered the activation. The Sub Commander was just there. He may have been the cause for Shinji taking over the girl's spot, but the old man was just doing what he thought was best. She may have thought that the Sub Commander did deserve a good beating for it, but not this… The way that the redhead was handling the situation scared the woman.
If the girl continued the assault, she may end up killing Fuyutuski. The Colonel looked at Rei who mirrored her action and returned the look, "Rei, help me."
Before the First Child could get up to help, they noticed that the Sub Commander's hand was up once more, signaling them to stop. "Shikinami," the old man weakly said, "I made a promise to your mother to never let you Pilot any other EVA other than Unit 02. I did not mean for all of this to happen." Kozo looked at the angry, sad eyes of the girl who was attacking him, "If it wasn't for me, Pilot Ikari would've never known... and I couldn't do anything to stop the use of the Dummy Plug System. I truly am sorry." "I'm sorry Yui. I failed you."
"NO!" She leaned in and screamed at his face, "YOU don't get to be sorry. You don't get to start this and think it'll all be over with a mere 'sorry'." She raised his collar up once more before slamming head against the floor again, "It's your fault that he's never going to come back." Asuka's head went down and gave out a small sob, "It's your fault that he left… me."
She's alone. Shinji would never be here for her again. Just like her fear, he left her… Just like her mom did. But unlike her mother, it wasn't his fault that he left her. No, Shinji wasn't the one to blame. Someone else took him away from her and she knew who it was. Someone else took away the daily happiness she managed to find in this god forsaken world. It was this man who caused it all to be taken away from her.
It's his fault.
It's his fault!
IT'S HIS FAULT!
Her eyes now filled with pure rage, glared at the man underneath her and growled, "It's your fault… IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" She wrapped her fingers around Fuyutsuki's throat and started to squeeze as hard as she could.
Kozo could only give out a low croak as the unexpected pressure around his neck started to choke him.
Misato, despite her pain, somehow managed to find the energy to finally get out of her chair and run towards the girl. "Asuka! STOP!"
Rei mimicked her reaction and ran towards the angry Shikinami as well. She knew she was ordered to not interfere, but she couldn't just sit here and let the Sub Commander be killed. She couldn't let Asuka kill someone intentionally. It wouldn't be what Shinji would've wanted.
Ayanami managed to get there first and grasped the German girl's fingers, trying to lessen the pressure around the poor man. But, she couldn't even do anything against the Second Child's iron grip on the man's throat.
Katsuragi put her hand on the angry German girl's shoulder, "Please Asuka, don't do this. Think about what Shinji would think of you if he saw you like this."
Rei tried to get through the angry girl as well, "Pilot Shikinami, Second Child, Asuka you need to stop this. Shinji would not have wanted this."
But she wasn't listening. All that Unit 02's Pilot could hear were the loud beating of her heart beat and the pure rage that was inside of her that only said two words that echoed in her mind.
"KILL HIM!"
Fuyutsuki tried to struggle from the lack of air and the pressure around his throat. It could be the lack of oxygen in his brain, but he couldn't help but see an image of the sleeping redhead when she was younger. The innocent look was robbed from her. He stopped struggling.
If this was his punishment for putting the Third Child, Yui's only child, through so much pain… If this was the punishment that he had to go through for keeping his last promise to Kyoko… then so be it.
The Second Child's teeth started to grind against each other as she gritted her teeth in anger. She didn't care about anything. This man… It's all this man's fault. He needs to pay for taking away any ounce of happiness she managed to find in her life. There's nothing else but rage.
"JUST DIE ALREADY!"
That line from her dream repeated in her head. She blinked, allowing the pressure to ever so slightly decrease around the old man's throat. This was almost a mirror image from the dream. Asuka could feel the same sickening feeling inside of her that she felt for the first time during the battle with Unit 03 when she still thought it was a machine piloting it, and her uncontrollable dream against the Angel.
She was enjoying it. She was enjoying killing someone.
"ASUKA!" Misato yelled, trying to get her attention. "Please! Doing this won't bring Shinji back!"
That line froze the Second Child as her grip around Fuyutsuki's throat weakened even more. Now that she could think more clearly, her guardian's words finally reached her ears. The rage within the redhead vanished with the loud beating of her heart starting to slow down. "Misato's right… Shinji won't come back… no matter whose fault it is, the Idiot won't come back… he's gone…"
Rei managed to finally pry the fingers off the Sub Commander's throat as the older woman managed to pull the Second Child away from the man. But both fell to the ground due to Misato losing her strength. Her legs were no longer able to support her own weight, let alone both her and the Pilot's. The purple haired woman brought Asuka's head into her red jacket and held the back of the girl's head with her good arm.
Asuka gripped the Colonel's red jacket as these words repeated in her mind, "No matter what I do, he won't come back. He's never coming back." She buried her head deeper into the jacket, trying to hide the tears that were coming down her face. Remembering the sickening feeling of enjoyment of killing, she thought to herself, "God… I feel sick. Shinji… Idiot Shinji… if you saw me the way I am now, what I was about to do, would you still feel the same way about me?"
She remembered Shinji's words in her mind, "I'll always like you."
She shook her head against the red jacket, "If you saw me like this… No you won't… No you won't…"
Ayanami helped the old man sit back up as he tried to catch his breath. Between the coughs he said, "I ordered you… not to… interfere."
She answered with a monotone, "I could not sit by and let her continue with staining her hands with any more blood."
Misato looked at the Sub Commander, "I'm sorry sir. But this wasn't something that the two of us could've watched and let happen." She held the German girl tighter in her arms, "Please, I understand you mean well, but don't let the girl do something she's going to regret. She's not like the two of us. She's still just a child." The Colonel lightly stroked the girl's long red hair to try to provide some comfort as she continued, "I'm sorry to request this of you, sir, but would you mind leaving this room? I… I don't think your presence is helping the situation."
Kozo blinked. Never in his life did he expect Katsuragi to ask him to leave. It may have sounded like a plea, but to him, it felt like an order. He caressed his throat, still trying to catch his breath. One thing was for sure, he's only going to do more harm than good if he stayed…
"Very well…" Fuyutsuki managed to get up with Rei's help. He's done what he came to achieve, no use staying here any longer than needed. "Ayanami," the Sub Commander looked to the girl, finally able to catch his breath, but the pain was still fresh, "Would you… do the honor of escorting this injured old man to the Doctor's office for treatment?"
"I…" the First Child looked at Misato and the redhead in her arms. She thought about what had happened, and what she had done to 'take care' of the Second Child.
Every time she spoke, Asuka got angry with her and pushed her away. The more she spoke, she only seemed to add towards Shikinami's anger. The only thing Rei could do was add and repeat Misato's words, and when she did try, it all seemed futile. And it was the Colonel who managed to stop the Second Child's rampage, not her.
The woman, who was holding the redhead in her arm, was the one who was better at 'taking care' of the Second Child… not her.
Rei looked to the floor, ashamed that she couldn't do what Shinji requested of her. Ashamed that she couldn't keep her last promise to him. She didn't know what to do. But she knew, just like with the Sub Commander, if she stayed, she may do more harm than good to the Second Child. Asuka needed someone close to her right now who could be there for her, and Rei was not sure if she could be that person.
"Y-...Yes sir," she uncertainly answered. She still wanted to keep her promise to Shinji, but just didn't know how. For now, it may be best to retreat and rethink her approach… besides, she had questions she wanted answered from both the Sub Commander and… Commander Ikari. "I will be back, Pilot Shiki-... Asuka."
The two turned to leave, with Rei supporting Fuyutsuki with each step. As the door closed behind the two, Misato tried to calm the girl, "Asu-"
"He's dead, Misato. He's never coming back," the Second Child interrupted her as she shook her head against the red jacket. "And it's all their fault… it's all my fault."
"It's not your fault."
How can she say that? It was the redhead's hands that were used to kill him. It was her inability to properly activate and synchronize with other Evangelion Units that got him in this mess in the first place. It was her inadequate skills that held her back. It was her fault that she couldn't properly fight against Unit 03 and save him. "But-"
"Shinji didn't blame you. And he would never blame you. You did your best."
"This isn't your fault."
"...no matter what, I don't blame you."
Shinji's words from her dream echoed in her mind. Misato said the same thing to her. Rei said the same thing. Telling her that it wasn't her fault. Then whose was it? Sub Commander's for telling him about her special attachment to Unit 02 and starting this whole thing? The Commander's for ordering the Dummy Plug and using her hand to kill him? Was it her fault for her special condition and attachment to Unit 02? Or was it Shinji's fault, for choosing to Pilot Unit 03 just so that she wouldn't get hurt?
She gripped Misato's jacket tighter, "'Tried my best' my ass… My best wasn't enough, and because of that he's dead. I wasn't strong enough."
"Asuka-"
"I hate him. I hate him! I HATE HIM!" She pounded her fists on the Colonel's chest, getting a low grunt from her with each hit. "If he just waited, I could've done something!" "You sad excuse for a father! If you just waited a few more seconds, I could've done something! I WOULD'VE BEEN ABLE TO DO SOMETHING!" "HE HAD NO RIGHT!" "You damn old excuse of a human being! If you'd just kept your mouth shut, the Idiot wouldn't have known! And wouldn't have piloted that damn EVA… and he'll still be here, alive." "If he just didn't do anything, he wouldn't have been in there! Instead, he would still be here!" "Why did you have to do it, you Idiot? It was supposed to be me! But because you took my spot, you…you're…you left me. And you're not coming back."
Then a voice said to her in her head, "But then it might've been you who he killed. He would be going through this instead of you."
"I KNOW THAT!" The Second Child screamed back at her voice as she increased her attack at her older woman's chest. "At least then he would be alive! But, I know no matter who I hate, how much I scream, how much I wish it was me who was in there instead of him, it doesn't change anything! It doesn't change the fact that he's not here! He's not coming back! I… I can't even talk to him again. I… I..."
Katsuragi didn't care if the Second Child was attacking her, it was very light compared to the amount of force the child put into her assault against the Sub Commander. But it still hurt her nonetheless due to her injuries. She listened to all that the Pilot had screamed out. It was towards the Commander, Sub Commander, and Shinji. But Misato knew that this wasn't all of it. The girl was still holding on to something. "Asuka… Let it out… don't keep it in."
"I HATE YOU BOTH AND I HATE MYSELF!" The redhead stopped and grasped tightly at the red jacket, "If you two just told me about who was Pilot Unit 03, maybe we could have planned for something! You two lied to me!" "We could've made a plan to rescue him before it was too late! And I wouldn't have frozen up like I did! We could've saved him! You two lied to me!" "If I was just a bit faster, if I was just a bit stronger, if I was just a bit better than I am right now, he wouldn't have been killed. He would still be alive!" "Why did I let myself get close to you? Why was I so stupid?"
"Asuka…" Misato knew that the girl was talking about both herself and the First Child since they kept Unit 03's true Pilot from her. And… "I'm sorry that I lied to you… and... Shinji wouldn't have wanted you to hate yourself for what happened. He chose this, and he would've wanted you to live."
"I HATE HIM!" she screamed as more tears came down her eyes. "Why are you gone? Why did you have to leave?" Asuka buried her head deeper inside Misato's jacket and cried. "Why did this have to happen, Misato? WHY?!"
"Asuka… you're asking the right questions to the wrong person…" The purple haired woman thought the same. Why? Why did everything have to end this way? Why did this have to happen? Why… Why wasn't he here with them?
Tears streamed down her face as well. "Shinji… I'm sorry I couldn't help you. I'm sorry that I couldn't protect you even though you believed in me. I'm sorry… that I failed you…"
The two cried for what seemed like hours, allowing the emotions of losing the Third Child seep through. After the cries died down, there was silence filling the room. No one wanted to speak, they just wanted to think.
Misato wanted to know how much more they will have to suffer before all the Angel's are dead. Just how much more does she have to lose until they're all gone? And… How can they get through this? How can they get through losing a big important person in their life?
Asuka hated this. Why did she have to be the one to go through this? Why did she have to lose someone? Why was this happening? What does she have to do to make this pain go away? What does she have to do… to make this all stop?
The answers never came to her, now matter how much she begged for them. But, through it, she knew she wanted one thing right now...
The first to break the silence was Asuka as she said, "Misato… I… I want to go ho-..." No… that place was not her home, if ever. It may have been the closest thing she had to one… but not anymore. Not without Shinji. "I want to go back to your place." The blue eyes locked into Misato's dark brown eyes, "I… I don't want to be here any more." She can't be here right now. Asuka did not want to be in NERV right now. She needed to be somewhere, anywhere other than here. Even if it's to the apartment that belonged to the woman who lied to her.
Misato looked at those sad, defeated eyes belonging to the once lively Shikinami. She knew why Asuka didn't call her apartment 'home'. It was never her home. And without Shinji, it would never be. "Okay… let me make some calls."
Rei watched the Doctors treat and patch the injured Sub Commander Fuyutsuki in silence. She had questions she wanted answers from the elder man but she wanted to ask them alone, in a more secluded place, where there would be no one else around them.
Once the Doctor finished, he left the room as per the Sub Commander's orders. Kozo caressed the bandages around his neck then to the ones on her cheeks. While the pain did subside, he could still feel the pressure around them. But he didn't mind, after all he deserved it. This was the punishment he wanted for making Yui's child suffer, due to his promise to Kyoko. The punishment for his own inability to keep him safe. This was also a punishment for allowing himself to show sympathy to Kyoko's clone Series.
Did he feel better? Well, most would say that 'it didn't' as the guilt wouldn't disappear. But to him, the pain felt just right, though it didn't help lessen the guilt. How could anyone's guilt lessen after they practically killed their closest friend's child? However, his resolve for sacrifices as a means for the scenario was already hardened and unwavering. It may be cold hearted, but in that aspect, he was the same as his former student, Gendo.
So to him, seeing the Second Child wasn't just to apologize to her, but it was a means to punish himself for his own incompetence. For letting it happen. For almost jeopardizing the scenario. But, with this, not only did he keep his promise to Kyoko, he has washed any sense of guilt and attachment to her 'child'. After all, he was a man of his word to both Kyoko and the scenario. As long as Commander Ikari does not do anything that will involve the Second Child and another Evangelion Unit, he would no longer have to involve himself with the Second Child and would no longer be a danger to the scenario.
Fortunately, the Item that they managed to secure would make everything insignificant in the long run… assuming that it will work. "Though Ikari seems to believe that it won't fail. Let's hope it comes to that. Let us hope that our scenario is not lost on us, Ikari."
He noticed that Rei was still looking at him. Fuyutsuki stood up as he asked, "How are you feeling Rei?"
She answered in her usual robotic tone, hiding her alien emotions, "I am able to do all the functions I am ordered to do,"
He nodded, "Yes, that is good to hear. But let me rephrase my question. What are you feeling right now?"
She didn't know what to say. These emotions were still new to her. But she knew what they were. Anger. Sadness. The two emotions that she never felt before and were alien to her.
She felt sad on the death of Shinji Ikari. The person who she considered to be her closest friend was now dead. The only person who cared enough to approach her for anything other anything related to the missions. The only person who would check up on her and invite her, making her feel… normal… And Rei would never see him again.
She felt anger against her powerlessness and at Commander Ikari. Rei felt that she was too weak to save Shinji. If she was strong enough, then maybe the end outcome might have been different. Maybe, they might have found a way to save Shinji. And she was angry that Commander Ikari didn't even try to save his own son and opted for the easiest and simplest finish, activating the Dummy System.
She was also angry that she couldn't be the person to 'take care' of the Second Child like Shinji requested. Rei did not know the first thing about 'taking care' of someone or watching over them. She merely mimicked the Colonel's actions and reminded Unit 02's Pilot about Shinji's words… but every action she did seemed to have backfired and got the Second Child angrier with her… She was angry that she did not know how to keep her promise to the Third Child. She was going to go back to the Second Child, but she didn't know how she should approach her.
But most of all, Rei was angry that Commander Ikari did not keep his promise. Shinji was not safe. He was hurt, injured, and killed. She was angry that the Commander broke his promise to her and killed the Third Child without any room for negotiations or, what it seemed like to her, any real attempts to save him. She was angry that the Second Child and she had to face through this. She was angry that she couldn't do anything to change how it ended.
"I…"
Kozo nodded, "Maybe this is still a hard concept for yo-"
"I am angry and saddened," she answered him.
He was taken back by her response. He had to admit, he did not fully expect her to reply to his question. But now that she did, he wanted to confirm with her, to see if he can understand what's happening to this Ayanami, "I suppose that you are saddened by the Third's death?"
A nod was given by Rei to confirm.
Fuyutsuki asked, "And I suppose you're angry that you weren't strong enough to save the Child?"
Another nod.
"Ah, well this is an emotion that we all fee-"
"I am also angry that the Commander did not keep his promise…" The blue haired girl's fists tightened as it started to shake in anger. "He did not keep his promise that Pilot Ikari would be safe. And I am angry that I am currently unable to keep my promise to Pilot Ikari."
Fuyutsuki froze. "Ah, Gendo did promise that, didn't he?" He thought to himself. "But it's unexpected that Rei would develop this much emotions in this short span of time. And promise to his son? Just what promise did they make?" He put his hand on her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her. "Rei-"
She shoved his hand aside, surprising the old man even more, "No. I wish to understand the 'why'… I currently do not want any comfort. I wish to understand why he didn't keep his promise."
Fuyutsuki pointed out, "Rei There's no way he would've known that Unit 03 was contaminated by the Angel beforehand. It was… an unfortunate scenario."
The blue haired girl shook her head, "I understand that no one could see the Angel taking over the EVA. But at least the Commander could've halted the Dummy Plug until we could isolate and contain the Angel to figure out a way to save Shinji."
The old man blinked in surprise. Rei's form of speech was changing. She would usually be calm and calculative, almost robotic in her speech. But now, she is slowly starting to sound and act more like a calmer version of the Second Child. And she said, 'Shinji' and not his Pilot designation title. He wasn't sure if he liked it since it has the potential to affect the already changed scenario. The change which they may no longer be able to afford, even with the Item.
"Rei," the Sub-Commander said, "We ran the Magi predictions. To save Shinji, it would've taken a miracle. And a miracle was already performed with him fighting the control of the EVA for as long as he did. As Commander Ikari put it, 'we can't count on miracles to win our battle for humanity's survival, let alone two happening back to back'."
Ayanami clenched her hand. "Miracle?" She thought to herself. Rei could not believe those words. Instead of believing in his son, he decided to choose the logic of 'miracles don't happen twice' to make his decisions. Even though she may not know a lot of family, she at least knew that family is important and that they should always be together and believe in each other, even if it's through 'miracles'. Though she only understood the concept at first, after the death of the Third Child, she now knew more of the true meaning of family.
And if what the Sub-Commander had said was true, then Commander Ikari was no family to Shinji. "I wish to speak with the Commander."
Fuyutsuki sighed. He saw this coming. But… this may be good for Rei. It may be best to hear from Gendo directly instead of through him. "Very well."
Gendo took a big gulp of his drink in his office. He was angry. Not at what happened, but of almost losing himself to his emotions. Emotions that he has locked away ages ago. Emotions will only lead to illogical decisions that will eventually destroy the scenario he wishes to achieve, which it was close to happening during the fight with the Ninth Angel. He was so dangerously close to losing himself to his emotions, he barely hung on by a thread.
But that didn't matter. Not anymore.
What happened to Shinji was unfortunate, but now, with the Item that they've managed to secure, they have a new plan. A plan he was sure was going to succeed and put them back to the correct path. He just needs to steel himself so that his emotion doesn't seep through again in the future. So that the emotions he let through during the battle with the last Angel doesn't happen again.
And with with Item… he mused, "It is fortunate that Ritsuko survived to incorporate the Item to the-"
The door to his office was opened without any knock or call for one's arrival. To his surprise it was Rei who opened the door, storming inside, with Fuyutsuki following closely behind her at a steady pace. Gendo put his cup down, "What is the meaning of this?"
The elder man responded as he stopped midway from the door and the Commander's desk, "It may be better for Rei to hear the explanation from you instead of me."
"I fail to see what there is to expl-"
Ayanami immediately intervened as she stopped in front of the desk, "Why did you break your promise to me?" She was not going to go with the pleasantries she usually did whenever she came into his office. She wanted answers. Then, in the coroner of her eyes, she noticed that one of his hand was bandaged. "When did he… is that because he-"
Gendo knew exactly the promise she was talking about. The promise that Shinji would be safe. He placed his drink down on his desk, "The entire humanity was at stake. We can't let some personal value such as a meager promise prevent us from eliminating the Angel."
The girl slammed her hand down, causing Gendo's eyes to widen at her uncharacteristic motions, "Why couldn't we isolate the Angel until we could find a way to separate Shinji and the Angel?"
"Shinji?" Gendo wondered. Rei never addressed the Third Child as 'Shinji' in front of him. It was either 'Pilot Ikari' or the 'Third Child'. Could her emotional development be accelerated due to what happened? He shook his head. But no matter, as long as she could perform her tasks, it is of no consequence to him. "It was near impossible to extract the Third Child without extracting the Angel with him. The only way to eliminate the Angel was to eliminate the Third Child as well… unless a miracle occurred, and we can't count on miracles to lead to humanity's survival."
"But we could have still tried to do somethi-"
The Commander brought up his bandaged hand to stop her, "Before you retort, Pilot Ayanami, remind me, what is the main objective of NERV?"
Without missing a beat, she answered, "To eliminate the Angels for humanity's survival."
"And what did we accomplish?"
Rei bit her lips, knowing where this was going, "We… We eliminated the Angel. But we lost the life of a Pilo-"
"A life of a Pilot for survival of humanity is within acceptable loss," Gendo cold heartedly responded.
Rei clenched her fist. She knew this. What is one life compared to the entire human race? Should they have risked losing all of humanity for a slim chance to save one person? But it was his son, surely he should feel more remorseful about his death. Or even show that he felt remorseful.
Gendo got up from his chair and put his hand behind his back, "Pilot Ayanami, you may be feeling distressed, but you have to understand, this was within acceptable loss for the lives of billions."
'Acceptable loss.' There it was again. To Commander Shinji's life was only an acceptable loss. Just… statistics. Numbers. He wasn't even showing any emotions mentioning his son's death. "Are you not saddened by the loss of your son?"
He turned his back to her, "Emotions will only hinder our main objectives. We have to be willing to-"
Rei brought up, "Then why is your hand bandaged?" The First Child pointed to the bandaged hand. She had an inkling as to why the Commander's hand was bandaged but she needed to hear it from him. "Was it because you did indeed care for Shinji and it brought you pain to see him get hurt? Was this self-inflicted?" She needed to make sure that he was indeed Shinji's father.
Gendo turned his head towards her as the glare from his shades covered his eyes, "It was-"
But she didn't let him finish, "Was it because you too were affected by the situation during the fight with the Angel?"
He froze as the rest of the room seemed to freeze. Ayanami was right. She was dangerously correct. Gendo did let the emotions through and his injury on his hand was proof of that. But he can't show any signs of weakness now. Not now. Rei was getting too emotional. She was forgetting her objective. He needed to remind Rei her place in the grand plan.
After what seemed like an eternity, Gendo replied with anger in his voice, "Do not make assumptions Rei."
But she wasn't going to back down from this, "Then please explain the injury on your hand."
He answered, "I was at the site of the battle to investigate for any clues for Angels, where I got injured."
She wasn't buying it, it was too vague and she was not told that the Commander left the facility at all. She wanted the truth, not lies, "Why are you lying?"
Gendo was losing his patience with this girl. She was becoming much nosier than before. "Are you here to question my health, Pilot Ayanami?"
"No-"
"Then are you here to investigate my personal life?"
"No sir, I-"
"Then explain why I need to explain my injuries to you?
Rei responded with her hands tightening into fists, "Because I wish to understand your relationship to Shinji and try to understand what you thought of him." Why was this man dodging all the questions she was asking? He usually answered them before. What changed?
"My relationship with the Third Child is of no concern to you. He was a Pilot for NERV. And that is all that should matter to you."
"Just a pilot?" And he didn't call Shinji his son. Just the 'Third Child' and 'Pilot' titles. The way he was brushing off Shinji… This was the last straw for her. This made her realize the statement that she thought of earlier, "This man… is no family to Shinji." Rei stated in a low tone just loud enough for the two men to hear, "I should have never tried to host a party for both you and Shinji so that you two can grow close together. You two will never have a family relationship. You are no true family to him"
Gendo asked as he sat back down, "Are you done Pilot Ayanami?" He did not show any remorse or reaction to her comment, nor did he seem to care for it, "If so, then we have additional tests to run with you for Unit 01 later this evening. We need to confirm that you will be able to pilot it."
Rei's fists tightened even more in anger. She hated how he was willing to already find a replacement to pilot Unit 01. He was already trying to find a replacement for Shinji. She was starting to dislike the Commander, who she looked up to, even more.
She would never win against him nor get any answers out of him, not while he holds power over NERV and her. He was just that type of person who kept all the answers and secrets to himself, she now knew that. And he did not care for anyone. Not for his son… and not for her. "Yes… sir…" For now, she would have to listen to him… just until after the battle against the Angels were finished… or just until a better opportunity provided itself.
Fuyutsuki only watched the two converse while pitying the child. She did not get any real answers from Gendo, and this conversation only seemed to have shifted her view of the Commander into a new light. The cold hearted man who Shinji feared. And Gendo was back to his cold personality now that the scenario was back on track with some alterations made in light of the new events.
He did not agree with how his former student handled the situation, but it seemed to have brought Rei back into a more controllable manner. Though the old man couldn't help but wonder how different things would've been if it was Shikinami who piloted Unit 03 instead of the Third Child.
When the First Child left to get ready for the test with Unit 01, leaving the two men alone, Gendo asked, "So, have you taken care of all of your 'personal matters', Professor? Do you now feel the burden lessen now that you've punished yourself with the Second Child's wrath?"
"I suppose that you had the room taped? Even though I ordered for every surveillance to be turned off?" "Leave it to you to be very attentive and to pry on personal matters, Ikari."
"No," he shook his head, "I left that matter to you. However, we will need to look into updating our staff. That Doctor informed me of your injuries as soon as he could, in hopes that he will be promoted. And I've hypothesized that based on what I was told and seeing your injuries, the Second Child assaulted you and you've allowed it to happen based on your guilt. You're getting weak, Professor."
That surprised that old man. THE Gendo Ikari, the cold hearted, calculating, leader of NERV, actually let the Sub Commander of NERV handle his personal matters privately without having someone spy on him. "Are you going to do anything about the matter? With Shikinami?"
Gendo took out a bottle of alcohol and a cup from his drawer, "Not unless you wish to. I'll leave reprimanding the Second Child in your care because of your attachment with Kyoko. I won't touch any matters concerning her unless the situation calls for it. Do as you see fit as long as it doesn't affect our plan. The Doctor with a loose mouth, however, has been terminated. We cannot have anyone spreading information that easily for personal gains, whether it be false or true." He poured a drink and handed the filled cup to the old man, "Care for a drink, Fuyutsuki?"
Kozo walked over. So, in other words, the way that the old man understood it, Gendo will leave the Second Child alone. Which was what he preferred. He wished to soon be rid of any attachment to the child, since it may hinder their scenario. As long as Gendo won't get her to pilot any other Evangelion Units, he won't have to get involved and will always be committed to the scenario without any distractions. He's oath to Kyoko will no longer interfere with this oath to the scenario. "Of course, I could never turn down a drink from my former student."
Ikari smirked as Fuyutsuki took the cup. This was a sign that the two have an agreement. He will leave Shikinami alone as long as the former Professor is committed to the scenario. Now that's out of the way, "I've spoken to Ritsuko, it seems that it would be possible for the Item to be finished within a week."
"That soon?" He thought for a moment, "Well, I suppose all the groundworks have already been all laid out. Though don't you think you're pushing her a bit too much? She did avoid having a meeting with death yesterday at the activation site."
"We need this completed as soon as possible, we don't know when the next Angel will strike. We need it to be ready before then."
Kozo sighed as he took a sip of his drink, "Don't blame me if she decides to put a bullet to your head after pushing her so much."
Mari was biting her thumb as she was sitting down in a flight of stairs while her left left shook restlessly up and down. After hearing the news from Ryoji, she was angry… no, she was furious. "Goddamn that piece of low life shit."
"Mari," Kaji said as he sat down next to her, "don't do anything that will jeopardize our mission." Luckily, he picked out one of the few empty and unmonitored stairwell in NERV for them to discuss and meet. He can't risk Mari being discovered right now. She knew the ins and outs of this place, but they still had to be careful.
The Pilot glared at him, "And you expect me to stay calm after what that no good of a husband did to Puppy, to Ms. Yui's child?" No, she's not going to stay calm. How can she be when Yui's child, her dearest friend's child, was ordered to be executed by the husband? "If anything, I'm going to go straight there and give him a fine beating!" The brunette was about to get up but Kaji put his hand on her shoulder.
"Mari, listen. Before you act on this, you need to see what our Insider has discovered. We have a plan, but it'll only work if you cooperate," he handed her the folder. He watched her snatched the folder and mumble something under her breath before reading it.
It took a few seconds for the information to settle into the girl's head. Her eyes widened after reading the entire content, "That... shouldn't be physically possible. How are you going to stabilize the spread of-" She flipped over to the other pages containing pictures of a large black pod with red glyphs around it, "That's what Ms. Kyoko, Ms. Yui, and I worked on. The same ones that were used to help restrain the Third Angel." She clicked her tongue, "Well, I have to give credit where it's due. Dr. Akagi is good at modifying other people's designs to fit to the need of the situation. But would it kill her to give us some credit for her works?"
He smiled, noticing how much calmer she's gotten after reading the file. Ryoji stood up, "After seeing that, do you still want to go to his office and 'give him a fine beating'?"
Makinami slammed closed the folder and got up as well, "Oh yea I do. But I'll play along, for now." She looked at him with anger still filling her eyes, "And, besides, if he's new end game is with this 'Item', he's severely wrong." She started to boorishly wave the folder, "There's now way this will work. Well… it's a big maybe with the Ayanami series, but especially not with the last of the Shikinami Series, the one who Ms. Kyoko thought of as her own daughter… practically treating her like a Princess. But I would rather not touch that… The Shikinami Series has its own can of worms to deal with."
The unshaven man's smirk widened, "Rei is going to go under testing with Unit 01, I'll be heading over there to see if she can still pilot it. I have something I want to give to her as well... But, that's neither here nor there. It doesn't matter if she can pilot it or not. You are what matters here."
Mari blinked, "Come again?" What did the man mean by that?
He leaned in and whispered in her ear. Taking in the information, her eyes widened as she tightened her grip on the folder in her hand, crumpling it. When he finished, he took a few steps back. Mari finally happily smirked, her anger now somewhat diminished, "You know, maybe you should start with that first instead of getting me all worked up like that." She tossed the crumpled folder to Kaji who caught it with ease. "Let's hope that nothing blows up on our face if you're wrong."
"Well, the Insider believes that it's going to work, and I have complete faith in her."
"Well, Ms. Yui had complete trust and faith in 'Mr. Shit-Husband of the year' to keep Puppy safe. So let's hope your faith is in a better person, yea?"
START ENTRY SEQUENCE
Rei closed her eyes as the LCL flooded the insides of the Entry Plug of Unit 01. It was a direct test with Unit 01 as the Commander wanted to be hundred percent sure that she could still activate and synchronize with the purple Evangelion with the Dummy Plug in place. And so far, everything was going well. No anomalies were detected. Everything was starting up like normal.
IONIZING LCL
INITIATE A10 NERV CONNECTION
Then, everything in the Entry Plug turned red and Ayanami had to put her hand over her mouth as she heaved over, bile almost threatening to spill over from her mouth. She could feel all the connection with Unit 01 being forcibly cut off by the Evangelion itself. This meant only one thing, "This won't work… Not anymore."
She couldn't help but also comment, "Why does it feel so… cold?" It didn't always feel this cold when she was inside Unit 01 before. Could something have happened? "Do you… know what happened to Shinji as well?" She could feel a low rumble around the Entry Plug. Deciding not to push her luck any further in agitating the Evangelion, she wisely chose to stay quiet.
Gendo grunted as the technicians and officers reported a complete failure of Unit 01's test with Ayanami. Fuyutsuki commented, "This… was unexpected. Rei was able to pilot Unit 01 before, why would it reject her now?"
The Commander turned, "This is unfortunate, but it only proves how much more significant the success of the 'Item' has to be for our scenario to be realized." He started walking out of the monitoring room, "I'll leave the rest for you to clean up, Fuyutsuki." He needed to check up on the progress with Ritsuko, even though it hasn't been a full day yet.
"Of course…" "Like always."
The First Child sighed as she got out of the locker room, fully changed to her middle school uniform and freshly new bandages around her head, arms, and leg. She hated this. She hated how the Commander was already looking to replace his son with her as the Pilot for Unit 01. Was he really just a pawn to the man? His own son?
She tightened her first. Why? Shinji always sought affection and acknowledgement from his own father, and the man just thought of him as a tool that can easily be replaced. She didn't understand it at first, but now that she was able to witness it first hand on how fast the Commander was already looking to replace Shinji… Rei now understood why Shinji was afraid of him.
From her point of view, the Commander did not think of him as a son.
She shook her head. No. This was no time to think about the Commander. The Commander is not what matters to her, not anymore. She… she should be thinking about her promise to Shinji. All she cared about, now, was how she could keep her promise to Shinji… how she could help the Second Child.
"Rei," Kaji said as he walked over to her from behind, "you seemed troubled."
The First Child turned and greeted, "Agent Kaj." She gave a quick bow.
"No need for formalities, just Kaji is fine."
Rei nodded, "Very well… What can I help you with?"
"Well, you seemed to be troubled, and after what you've been through, I thought that I should lend my ears to you," he smirked.
Her eyes narrowed. This man never came to talk to her alone before. What could he possibly want? Why is he here? What was his objective here?
Sensing her distrust, Kaji reassured, "Rei, I'm here to check up on you… you were close to Shinji, right? I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay."
She blinked in surprise and realized something. The way he responded to her... Could he possibly have the answers to her question on how she could be 'taking care' of the Second Child? "Agent Kaji, I have a question for you."
Now it was his turn to blink. A question? From Rei? That was… an unexpected reaction from the girl, he will admit. He expected her to say a quick reply before he asked her for a favor. But now that she's thrown the ball onto his court, he suppose he could throw it back, "Sure Rei, what can I help you with? And like I said, just Kaji is fine."
She ignored his latter response, "I made a promise to Pilot Ikari… and I am unsure how I can keep it."
"Well, what's the promise?"
Rei took a deep breath before revealing, "I made a promise to him… that I would 'take care of the Second Child' should anything happen to him during Unit 03's activation. And I am unsure on how I can go about doing it."
Kaji now understood why she was in Asuka's room when he brought Katsuragi there earlier. Rei was keeping her promise to Shinji. But… the way she was going about it could be wrong here. He needed more information before he could properly answer her, "Rei, do you want to 'take care' of Asuka because you made a promise to Shinji? Because you feel obliged to? Or because you want to help her?"
She didn't have to think about it to answer, as she already thought about his question to her back when she was in the room with the Second Child, "It is both. I wish to help her not only because I made a promise to Pilot Ikari… but because I wish to be there for her."
This was new. From all the reports and rumors he heard from people about the First Child, she was a cold, robotic person who didn't give much care to others unless she was ordered to. So to have her acting like this was off the mark from what he heard. "Do you really wish to be there for her? Are you certain about it? Rei. If you wish to help someone, you have to make sure of one thing. Are you doing this because someone asked you to? Does this all stem from because Shinji asked you to? Or because you want to help her through this?"
"I-"
"If the reasoning was because someone asked you to without you wanting to, then it's better for you not to do anything at all besides giving an occasion 'hello, how are you doing' pleasantries and checking up on them once in a while. If you force yourself to do more, it can easily be mistaken for pity or false kindness, which I am sure isn't something that Asuka needs nor wants right now."
He leaned against the wall before continuing, "But it's a different story if you genuinely want to help someone. Then you should be with them as much as possible. Make sure that they're staying healthy and not doing anything to hurt themselves. You need to be there to listen to them and give them advice when they ask for it. You need to be willing to stay even if they start pushing you away. You need to be willing to fight with them through this."
Kaji looked at the girl, "So, taking what I said into consideration, I'll ask again, do you want to help Asuka because you want to? Or because you feel obligated to? If you want to help someone because you want to help them, then you need to put your heart and soul to it. If you help someone because someone forced you to or you feel obligated to, your heart and soul won't be in it. It will all be empty and useless in the long run."
Rei took what he said to heart. What did she REALLY want to do? Did she want to 'take care' of Asuka because Shinji asked her to? Yes. Did she want to 'take care' of Asuka because she, herself, wants to? Well… Now she didn't really know. Because he said that, this could be herself trying to lie to herself about wanting to help Asuka for the sake of making Shinji happy...
No...
She shook her head. That wasn't it. That wasn't it at all.
She thought of the blue sapphire eyes. The reflection she saw of herself in those sad, angry eyes. How much she wanted that pain to go away. How much she wanted to make sure that no one else suffered like that. She genuinely wanted to be there for her and help her through this.
Her answer was clear, "Yes. I want to help Pilot Shikinami because I wish to. Not because I feel obligated to, but because I want to. Not only do I wish to keep my promise to Shinji, I want to help her through this. I will fight with her through this." "Shinji… I know I promised you at first. But now… I wish to truly help Asuka through this… would you have been proud of me for coming to this decision if you were still here?"
The older man smiled, "Good." He patted her head, "And Rei, just so you know, it's okay to ask for help and advice from others. And don't try to hold your emotions in. It's okay to show your emotions. Cry when you want to cry. Scream when you want to scream. Smile when you want to smile. And laugh when you want to laugh."
There was a small blush that came up her face. A person other than Shinji was praising her and treating her normally. This didn't feel unpleasant to her, but it still did feel a bit unnatural since she wasn't used to this type of affection from someone else other than the Third Child. "Y-Yes… T-Thank you… Agent Kaji."
"I told you, just Kaji is fine." The unshaven man saw the Pilot give a quick bow and as she was about to turn to walk away. "Not yet." He tapped her shoulder. The girl turned to face him again. He handed her a small black box that was about the size of the girl's hand, "There's another reason I came to see you… it may be best if you were the one to bring this to Asuka instead of me."
Rei took the box with uncertainty, "What is in it?" When the unshaven man motioned his head for her to open in, she complied to look at the contents inside.
Her red eyes widened when she realized who the content inside the box belonged to.
Akagi rubbed her temple. The fact that she was still recovering did not help the situation one bit. Her arms and legs were all bandaged from the incident with Unit 03's activation. There was also a bandage around her forehead. It hurt to walk and use her hands. But this… she needed to do this.
She looked over the window that separated her and the contents in the other room that was illuminated by a red light. She then looked over to the charts, "So far so good... But the feedback is still delayed." Ritsuko hated what the Commander ordered her to do. She also hated herself for telling the man how soon she would be finished with the Item, "I told him I can do it in a week… so I have no choice. Damn it, me and my big mouth. There's no guarantee this will work anyways."
She looked at the room separated by the window once more and sighed. She took out a cigarette from her pocket and lit it. Guess she wasn't going to be sleeping for the next week. "What I would do for a cup of coffee right now."
Misato was able to pull some strings and got the doctors and nurses to discharge both herself and Asuka under the circumstance that it was later in the evening when the older woman had more time to heal and walk better. Asuka, having changed into her school uniform but with the bandages still around her forehead and wrist, stayed silent throughout the way back to Katsuragi's apartment as the two were driven back by Section Two. No matter how much the Colonel tried to start a conversation, the Pilot stayed silent and unresponsive.
Once the two arrived outside of the building, Shikinami quickly made her way into the building ahead of her guardian, not helping the injured woman out of the car. Misato was walking better, but currently she needed a clutch for long distance walking. Katsuragi made her way into the apartment complex, trying to catch up to her ward.
"Asuka, wait!" The purple haired woman tried her best to get to the elevator that took them upstairs to her floor. The Second Child wasn't even looking at her as the doors started to close. "Hold the eleva-" she didn't finish as the doors closed right before the woman could get inside the lift. "-tor…" She gritted her teeth, "Damn it, Asuka." Misato quickly pressed the elevator button to call for another one.
Shikinami had her head down as the elevator took her up the apartment floors. All she wanted was to get back to the apartment. Her body was on autopilot as it guided her towards the apartment door. All she wanted was to forget about today. Her hand opened the door.
"Welcome back, Asuka!"
Her eyes widened and head lifted up as she saw a lit hallway with Shinji's face popping out of the corner, greeting her with a smile. That damn goofy, idiotic yet caring smile that always greeted her when she came back. But the view soon vanished and was replaced with the nightlight illuminating inside the empty apartment. She shook her head, "Snap out of it, Asuka… the Idiot's gone… he's not going to be here." As the Pilot walked into the building and took off her shoes, she couldn't help but notice that the apartment felt different to her from the previous times she was here.
It felt cold.
She didn't bother turning on the lights and let only the nightlight shine through the building to guide her way deeper into the apartment. As the redhead slowly made her way, she saw the memories of the times that she would interact with her roommate. The time she first arrived, kicking him out of his old room and forcing him to move into the smaller room. The time when she freaked out by the sight of Pen-Pen and accidentally showed Shinji her unclothed body which ended with her kicking him in the face, knocking him unconscious.
She saw it all.
The times when Shinji and Asuka would get ready for school. Watch TV together. The time when she would watch him cook with a smile on his face. The time when Shinji played his cello perfectly. The times when they talked together. Even the awkward kiss. The better days when they were still in the apartment, together. She saw it all.
Everything that they've ever done in this apartment played right in front of her as she made her way into the dining room. Shikinami froze when she saw that the special dinner plate she made for him for his return was still there on top of the dining table, stale and cold from being left out in the open for too long.
She saw the image of the injured, bandaged Shinji from her dream, smiling at her. Shikinami heard the image say, "Thanks Asuka… for making this for me." Then the image took a bite of the food as it complemented her cooking with a smile, "Wow, Asuka, this is really good!"
That smile… that damn smile she grew attached to… Asuka took a step forward and reached her hand out trying to grasp the boy. But the image vanished like all the others, replaced with the darkness of the apartment and the untouched day old food resting on the table. She bit her lips and put her head down. The Second Child walked forward and wrapped her shaking fingers around the back of the chair where the image of the Third Child sat.
The lights turned on as Misato came into the apartment, "Asuka, it's not good to leave the lights off during the night. You can get hurt." She slowly made her way into her apartment. She froze when she saw that the German girl had stopped in front of the dining table with a plate of cold food in front of the redhead. "Asuka… that was for Shinji… wasn't it?"
Shikinami didn't answer, she continued to bite her lips as the bottom started to quiver. She was forcing back the tears from sipping through her eyes. Instead of responding to her guardian's question, she grabbed the plate and started to make her way to the kitchen to throw it out. Misato quickly grabbed her arm, "Asuka, you don't have to do it. I'll clean it up."
With a defeated tone, the Second Child said, "Let go." Finally saying something after the two of them left NERV.
"Asuka, I can clean it up. You don't have to do this."
"LET GO!" Asuka swung her arm to get the older woman's grip off of her but ended up throwing the plate to the wall. As the plate crashed against the surface, she saw her image of the smiling Shinji crack. The last thing she was going to do for the boy, the special meal she wanted to make for him, crashed into the apartment wall. The broken glass fell to the floor with the food splattered across the wall and some falling to the floor. "Damn it…" she put her head down with her fists shaking in anger and agony of the situation, "Damn it…"
Katsuragi looked at the mess on her wall then to the girl before walking over to the closet and put her clutch next to it. She took out a broom and a dustpan with her one arm. The owner of the apartment told the teen, "I'll clean it up. Asuka, you can take a shower first…"
"But you're injured."
"Hey," she managed to strain a small smile to the girl, "I told you I'd clean it up. I wouldn't have said it if I couldn't. Don't worry about the mess… I can clean it." She slowly made her way to the pile of broken shards of glass and food. It hurt to walk without her clutch, but Misato was confident that she could go without it just until this was all cleaned up. She put the dustpan down on the floor next to the pile of food and broken glass, securing it with her foot so that it wouldn't fall back and allowing the mess to be swept into the dustpan.
The Pilot couldn't be out here right now. She just couldn't look at the woman cleaning up the mess she herself made. "...Fine…" the redhead quickly ran into the shower, not bothering to get any change of clothes or anything else, and slammed the door shut before locking it. Asuka turned on the shower, letting the hot water hit her skin and the school uniform and bandages she didn't bother to change out of. She didn't even bother to take off her A10 interface hair clips. She let the hot waters hit her skin, hair, and dampen the clothes and bandages as they clung itself around her skin.
She looked at her hands, seeing glimpses of the blood from both the battle and her dream. She saw Shinji's blood on her hands. The sounds of crushing metal, the sound of the Entry Plug being crushed by Unit 02, played in her ears over and over. Shikinami quickly closed her eyes and shook her head. She increased the pressure of the water as she tried to drown out the sounds and wash off the blood from her hands with the running water.
And, despite the hot waters touching her skin, she felt cold.
Unit 02's Pilot wrapped her hands around herself, trying to imitate any sort of warmth that she felt from when she was with Unit 01's Pilot. "It's not the same." She crouched down, "Damn it…" tears started to fall down. "Damn it all…" She let out cries and sobs, hoping that the sound of the waters raining down on her would drown out her sounds and everything out. Her cries, the blood on her hands, and the sounds she kept hearing ringing in her ears, she wanted it all to go away.
"He's gone." She told herself for what felt like the hundredth time, and it never got easier to remind herself. The blood. The carnage. It would always remind her that she would never be with him again. Never taste his cooking again. Never talk to him again. Never… see him again.
"Shinji… why did you have to leave?" "Shinji… please… come back…" "It's not the same without you." The Third Child became a big significant part of her life without her realizing it, and now that he was gone… she didn't know how to fill that empty hole that he left behind. Now that he was gone, Asuka realized that, "I… I don't want to be alone."
Outside the door, Misato, having already cleaned up the mess, could hear the Second Child's cries through the running shower. Barely, but it was just loud enough for Katsuragi to hear. "Asuka… I'm sorry…" She leaned back at the wall next to the door and slid down and let the tears stream down once more. The purple haired woman put her hand to her face. She wanted to be with Asuka to tell her that everything was going to be okay and that it wasn't her fault. But she felt that Asuka needed some alone time to cry. No matter how much she wanted to be there for the girl, the redhead needed some time to herself if she was ever going to get through this. And most importantly... she didn't even know if she had to right to be with her ward right now after having lied to her.
"Asuka... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry… Shinji…" The woman couldn't protect him. She was right there with him at the site, but she couldn't do anything. She let this happen to him even though she was so close to him before it all went down. She couldn't be there for him when he needed her the most, "I'm so sorry…"
Pen-Pen came out of the fridge to see what the sound of crashing plate was and to greet the return of his owner. But instead of Misato's smiling face and the two teens fighting like he expected, he saw the grown woman injured and crying on the floor against the wall next to the bathroom door with the shower running on the other side. He quickly made his way towards her and pecked her leg lightly, trying to see what was wrong. When Misato turned her head towards him, the warm water penguin saw the sad, defeated eyes he's never seen on her before. Unsure as to why she would have that face, he did what he saw people do on TV when they were in similar situations. He opened his arm to her.
"Oh, Pen-Pen," she opened her arms and picked him up, allowing her pet to hug her. From her pet, there was a small "Wark?" as if the penguin was asking what was wrong, or asking where Shinji was, or both. She returned the hug as she closed her eyes, tears streaming down, "I'm sorry… I know you want to see Shinji again… but I don't think he's ever coming back." It was unsure if the animal ever truly understood them. But it seemed that she was able to get the message across as the penguin gave a sad "Wark" and hugged her tighter.
Her cries filled the halls of the apartment while Asuka's filled the bathroom with most of it being drowned out by the sound of the running shower. All that the two of them could think and say at the time was...
"I miss you, Shinji/Idiot."
Author's Note: Well, that's it for this chapter.
This is based on the second draft I did... I was debating basing this chapter either on the first draft or second. Hopefully, I stuck with the right one that was more compelling lol. And I hope this answered some questions about Soryu/Shikinami (there is a plan in the later chapters expanding on this. Though if it will be something that you may all like or hate is something I can't guarantee haha).
Thank you all so much for sticking with the chapter to the end. Take care.