"Historia… as the Queen?" Eren asked, "Is that the main goal of this revolution?"
"That's right." Levi confirmed. "Historia, your thoughts?"
"Historia." And the girl turned her head, finding Ymir standing at the back of the crowd. Historia didn't know who to look at first— the woman she inspired, and the blood she was born to, it confused her which takes precedence.
"It's alright." Ymir said, dispersing noise with the comfort in her tone. "Whatever you choose. I'll be here. I'll stay with you."
"I can't rule the walls, sir. I'm unfit."
"Yeah?" Levi walked closer to Historia. "Doesn't matter—"
"But," Historia said loudly, halting him on his tracks. "It doesn't matter if I'm unfit. I know that much, but I'll do it."
Historia's voice reverberated in the four corners.
"I'll be your Queen." Talking louder now, Historia clenched her fists, facing everyone.
"I'll play as the Queen of the walls."
"What in the walls…" The room felt hollow with their momentary silence. Silence that lasted for two slow blinks and Eren was ready to bite himself, the squad scurried to get their weapons— or any weapon they could grab— Flegel grabbed a spoon, Dimo Reeves, strings of hay— or at least tried to arm themselves from the titan posing as a harmless human.
Too late to notice how forceful you were at grabbing Ymir's shoulder and arm, you attempted to hide behind Ymir, as if the width of her body was enough to shield you from the edges of their blades.
"Don't—" Historia said firmly, stepping one foot forward but never moving the one back. She spoke in a rough, soldier-like manner, in contrast to the demure, feminine tone back when she was Christa. This tone was deeper, bolder, commanding attention, if not authority.
But Levi's squad did not lower their weapons. In fact, they raised them even higher.
"Sir Levi," Eld growled, pointing a knife at Ymir. "Orders sir!"
"Stay where you are, titan— don't move a muscle!"
"Phoebe, stay away from her!" Petra shouted with alarm in her voice. One hand held out a knife, her grip was so tight her knuckles paled, while the other impatiently held out for you. Petra wore panic in her face similar to that time when Eren involuntarily transformed his arm to a titan by the mere picking up of a spoon. "Get over here!"
"You shouldn't be hiding behind me," Ymir, slightly bent her neck while she hushed the remark to you. She did so without peeling her eyes on the threats before her. "They'll think I'm holding you hostage."
"What d'you want me to do, jump in front of everybody and risk myself getting stabbed?" You hissed, mimicking her actions of alertness. Ymir acknowledged your argument with a slight nod and an arched bob.
"But someone has to speak soon—"
"You guys…" Your neck almost killed you seeing it twisted in Levi's direction, almost instinctively. Levi sighed, rubbing his the point between his eyebrows with his thumb and index finger, before walking towards—
"Sir Levi don't— she's a titan!" Eld exclaimed.
"You heard the would-be queen." Levi flatly said, putting his body between his squad and Ymir "If this plan needs to work, you gotta bring down your weapons."
"But sir did the commander…?" Nifa hesitantly asked, her expression quite alarmed.
"I'll answer to him." He responded in a low voice without looking away from his own squad.
"Sir, are we going to… deviate from the commander's orders?" Eld was in disbelief, and that reaction spread like wildfire in the room. There were murmurs and gasps and concerted confusion as if the captain couldn't hear them all. Maybe it was the unfailing loyalty of Levi to Erwin and the very thing he represents, but from their reaction, this could be the first time Levi was going against the order of someone he was supposed to trust.
But you were certain, if Levi was breaking rules, then he had a better plan in mind.
You weren't certain of the whys and the hows, just that, it only felt right to put your faith in this man, as blindly as it was.
You smirked to yourself. You couldn't help it, for Paradis' sake, you were trying to. Trusting someone? You? The smirk only widened when your thoughts, when the feeling found words. A faint feeling of warmth settled in your chest— almost like a soup that's been left uneaten for fifteen minutes, or a hot tea sipped on an empty stomach, easing itself on your chest, warming your belly.
And the feeling bravely and gracefully flared; its warmth spreading from your chest, to your cheeks, to your fingertips, even to your cold, soaked toes.
You didn't know when it happened, what, or why your brain cells would even vouch for this to happen, but you found yourself stepping in front of Ymir, beside Levi.
"If we trust Eren…" You could feel the shift of eyes to you, and as if on cue, your throat began to parch up like you did not drink three cups of hot water from your ride through the night. You needed something to divert the tension, something, something…
"If we trust Eren enough to plug the hole in Maria later on," Levi continued the sentence for you, making you aware that your hand was visibly shaking because his wrapped around your wrist. And you were certain you were thinking very little at this point, because you searched for the spaces of his fingers, wanting the feel of his palm. And you are never one to believe in destiny, much so in fate that the universe would cook up occurrences in one's life just so they could arrive at a single moment. It would be darkly unfunny to even think that the sum of your choices was to be in the middle of a coup, regarded as a killing target, hiding in a run down cabin near a water mill, shielding a titan from the whispers of your squad's disbeliefs and dangerous protests.
It just didn't make sense how things came up to be but right then, you knew one thing.
His fingers felt destined between the spaces of yours.
"You can't trust her, I understand." Levi said. "But as shameful as it is— putting your faith in another titan as if the first one isn't stupid enough— I'm betting on her to make Historia the ultimate ruler of humanity and fix things in the walls once and for all."
He gave your hand a long squeeze and a couple of short pulses to implicitly tell you to get back, letting you go.
"Anyone who thinks otherwise," Levi bent his knee to pull up the hem of his pants, revealing a knife in his ankle. He ceremoniously pulled it out, inspected it for a second and angled the sharp edge in front of anyone with a drawn out blade.
"Run from me as fast as you can."
You internally counted from one to three. Your eyes flickered from Eren, to Historia, to Nifa, Eld, Petra, Reeves and back to Levi's back. Your deepening yet stable breathing only intensified the tension in the room where no one dared to move even by an inch, when Levi promised a fight against anyone who bore no intelligence to think they'd even win.
Soon, the sound of metals clunk as it hit a hard surface, and only then did Levi walk towards the long table as the crowd made way and walked back to bring the two of you glasses of water and a couple of boiled sweet potatoes. "Good job getting back safely." Levi said quietly, but still loud for a silent room to hear.
"Oh," That was all you managed to say because for fuck's sake, you wanted nothing to do with the glass he was giving you— maybe the food— but take his hand, craving that safety and peace he momentarily made you taste, and never let him go.
"The report, keep going Nifa." It took precisely three seconds before he tore his eyes away, and only then did you notice your smirk faded a long moment ago. It was replaced by something tranquil and meaningful, displayed in the slight part of your mouth and the widened gaze at his direction that lingered longer than it should.
"Ah," Nifa said, making you blink, breaking you from the trance. "Here are the commander's orders for the operation."
You leaned sideway over the wooden pillar near the door, grateful for the refreshment of the starchy texture of the food.
"The plan will be executed today…"
Levi leaned his weight on the opposite side of the pillar, putting back the knife in the ankle it was hidden from. You observe him give everyone a passing glance as he did so, and when it reached you, he gave you a full inspection from your head down to your feet.
You just held hands with him.
Oh my fucking cat, you just held hands with Levi in front of everyone!
You choked on the orange-y root crop, and downing it with water didn't exactly help. You pounded your chest and bent over to push out the liquid, the awful sensation of drowning only let itself out with your violent coughing. It's not like holding hands is a crime or that it will instantaneously produce babies within five minutes, but… but… it's him. Levi. An untouchable. Unreachable. The person who was supposed to be with the unmeltable heart of ice. The person who was ready to play the crazy maniac to end this recurring nightmare. And it's not like it's the first time— you've had skinship with him before. It shouldn't have this much effect but…
But it does.
Something changed. You don't know who, what, when or how, but something did.
And something tells you that even if you spend your entire week figuring what it was, you will never find the right words to rationalize it. Heck, rationalizing will take the newfound feeling of warmth— whatever it was— out, but it is a memory you want to play and replay just so you could catch the tiniest of details.
Nifa concluded. Shame on you, because you found it difficult to listen while doing the same thing you secretly admitted you'll do.
You found yourself on the lookout after sleeping the entire daylight. You liked it, actually. You're more awake at night anyway, and the quiet of the night made it so appealing to just sit in the damped, dilapidated ruins of the roof, a gun resting on your shoulder and a pirate telescope in your hand.
The very hand that held Levi's.
He had held you before. This one's briefer than the other opportunities. Maybe not by the hand but certainly somewhere else. The arms, shoulders… even carried you like a bride one time when you thought Miche and Nanaba caught you peeping on them.
You caught yourself staring at your hand, and immediately tore yourself from it, reminding yourself that you needed to be more alert.
The air was cold and damp to your face. From the roof, dozens of scattered fire lights glimmered not so far away, presumably from the closest village. The trees rendered a darker shade than the dark blues of the starless sky. You sniffed at how cold and thin the air was that it hurt to inhale. You rubbed your nose, hoping it'll cure the discomfort and stopped once you heard rustlings below.
"Sir Levi," You said, when his hand was too familiar you recognized it by the shape. "Can't sleep?"
"Something like that," He responded. "Anything?"
"Nothing, they haven't found us yet."
"Good."
And silence. It didn't make you feel awkward even with the long pause. Well, that's new. You mostly feel uneasy with long pauses.
"Sir?" He hummed to indicate that he was listening, but his eyes were fixed in the darkness. "Did you plan something for Dimo Reeves? You could prevent him from getting killed, couldn't you?"
"He simply didn't need to bring small blades to avoid suspicion."
"But the murder happens right before they report it to your uncle." You responded argumentatively.
"Does it?" Only to be met with a flaccid, tasteless, almost dismissive rejoinder. You sighed, trying hard to keep the heat from rushing to your fist and throw a jab at his shoulder. Surely Levi planned something. Trost cannot live without Dimo Reeves.
"You promised Reeves, Levi." The words came out resentful, but quiet. "He promised that he'll trust you—"
"And they are."
"And you don't think you're obligated to guarantee his safety as an exchange?"
"If I did that," He almost cut you at the last syllable of your reply. "Survey corps won't regain its good reputation—"
"Well, I didn't think you're one to care about good reputation when in the first place, the scouts always had a shitty one." You mumbled sarcastically, satisfied with the vexed contortion of his face in the soft lamplight below. "If Reeves gets spared, Erwin doesn't have to take a beating—"
"But that will take him in Sina and answer to the King—"
"Well yes," You admitted bitterly, "But it will make the Survey soldiers as targets for everyone."
"Since I'm stupid enough to trust your words, I think you said we'll win this fight."
"At the expense of lives," You harshly reminded him. "I told you everything so we could prevent it! Not let it happen!"
A pause. You waited for him to say something— anything at all, but he only had time to lean his weight in his lower palms while passively staring in the void. Damn it, he was practically unfazed under your searing glare.
"Well?" You demanded.
"Did you listen when I told everyone the plan or was I too distracting?" You couldn't help it, you raised an 'excuse me' eyebrow with his arrogant remark. Did he really talk about his alteration on Erwin's plans? Well, you weren't listening the whole time because…
You couldn't possibly say that it's because you were too distracted with the things going on a roller coaster high inside your head, with all the holding hands business now, could you?
"So you didn't listen?" You could hear the sarcasm dripping from his tone.
You felt shy and defeated to admit it, but you pursed your lips, slightly nodded and looked away. That should get the message across that you were indeed, too distracted by something else. Not him, but merely related to him.
So yeah, him. Damn it.
"It's not you. I was starving and the potato was sweet." You mumbled under your breath.
Levi sighed. You cleared your throat.
"Sorry sir."
He tightened his hug on the Survey Corps' cape in an attempt to shield himself from the cold and began relating again, the plans for tomorrow. You were listening, then got distracted, then listening, distracted. It was an on and off thing, and the paying attention was just you memorizing the way the pattern that he expressed himself. Levi started to introduce the plan with the goal he sought to achieve, which was keeping Eren, Ymir and Historia from going anywhere off his radar. Then he spoke of the specifics, using the timeline of the events you laid out for him starting from Reeves taking Eren and Historia to Kenny, cutting it to the part where Historia battles Rod Reiss's titan.
The way he spoke was addicting. Easy, calm, curated with purpose, addressed according to urgency.
You almost won't mind getting drunk if he was liquor.
"Nifa should arrive at Miche's squad by now." He raked his fingers in the lobes of his hair, extending the caress of his fingers down to the back of his neck. "We need him to track the ritual cave under the chapel at Orvud district if there really is one."
"I could've just delivered the letter to them when I got Ymir." You responded.
"I want Nifa out of the way. You never know what could happen in the woods when we ambush them at their meeting point."
You smiled and with a teasing tone, you asked: "You mean you want Nifa out of the way in case something might really happen to her?" Levi very briefly paid you a glance only to cast his eyes to the distant glow of village torches.
"Never cost anyone to be too careful." He said quietly, to which you hummed in response.
"You're a good man." You mumbled, raking your fingers through your hair as well. You let the bind of your hair fall off, freeing your hair, which added to your protection from the cold.
There was a brief pause, that only made the silence of the night all the more comforting. It shouldn't be the time to spill honest thoughts, but the silence, the peace he brought you was tempting enough to encourage you so.
"You know, whenever I do this kind of thing where I try to…" You struggled to find a humbler word than 'save'—
"Save lives we couldn't." But Levi nonchalantly completed the sentence by using the words you felt undeserving to even roll from your tongue. You stared at him, your mouth slightly opened, your eyes stinging like they were about to cry. Are you even allowed to use the phrase? Because it just seemed too arrogant; it was as if you were playing deity in everyone's lives.
"It is what it is. You can say it." Yet there was a hint of encouragement in his tone.
"That…" You couldn't. You forbid yourself to use it. You don't deserve to do so because no matter how you bend and twist the possibilities for the future, Marco and Mina's death won't ever be reversed. You knew things, you've seen how it unfolds, you had the wits to outwit the enemy a hundredfold.
So why couldn't you do it at that time?
That's when you knew you needed to get better. You needed to be smarter because you didn't want more bodies weighing on your shoulders. First, it was Arianne getting gang raped in an alley all because of your poor, reckless decision, then it was Marco because of your oversight. Maybe if you told the boy the truth, he could've stayed alive and Jean won't be having a hard time sleeping at night. And then there's Mina because you moved a tad bit too late and maybe, if only you did more— better, you could greet Thomas with a smile.
It was all you. You couldn't get anything right. It's your fault. Your fault. Your cargo. Your conscience. Your very being. All these things you'll take to your grave and you might as well be nailed to it. You you you YOU—
"...kay? Hey, stay with me." And of all your thoughts that started to gnaw you from the inside, Levi was at the end of it all. He didn't sound overly concerned, his voice couldn't possibly be colder than tonight but why oh why was he able to pull you out of your misery and back to the tranquility of the night? With him was no dodgy alley with neon pink and red lights, no butchered shrieks of plea, no condescending snickers, no gore, no titans. Levi wasn't exactly peaceful nor his actions were to be regarded as such, but with him, you felt safe.
There was nothing more to want but stay by his side, even if it's only for tonight. But that doesn't entail he wanted to be with you too.
"Well…" You huffed, letting go of his arm after realizing you've been shakily clutching it for dear life. Your throat was parched, it felt uncomfortable to swallow. "This is um…" breathe in, loooong exhale out. "This has been a nice chat. I think it's time we change the look out?" Levi didn't look too convinced that you were that quick to change the subject, or dismiss it, but he let you go nevertheless.
"Sir?"
"They'll need the extra sleep for tomorrow." Levi almost tugged at the hem of your sleeves if only you didn't stand before he could grab it. You could feel yourself swell with warmth— the very same warmth you felt holding his hand when you saw how he missed and that he wanted to be with you too. Good thing you caught the gesture with your eyes.
"Do you… want me to stay?" You sounded scared rather than bashful. You tried reading his face to see if he looked shy or authoritative, concerned, or just curious but it was too dark to even try. "I mean, I could always give you time—"
"I just don't think you'd want to be alone after a lapse." He took out a waterskin and tossed it on the space between your crossed legs, your eyes fixed on it. "I wouldn't want to, at least."
And the cork that sealed the waterskin was tight, it was difficult to pull out, you didn't bother. So you played with it, feeling the jiggle of warm water as your palms played with it like a slime.
"This kinda feels like boobs, don't you think?" You said putting it on top of your chest, implicitly knowing his attention was on you. "No wonder you keep this in your breast pocket."
And Levi isn't known for laughs, in fact, he might as well be incapable of doing so— and no, he didn't laugh, not the full blown, hollering, dead on the floor kind, but—
He chuckled. The one that started as a lopsided, bashful smile with a short exhale. Then it got wider that his mouth parted showing his straight, even teeth and the right side of his cheek drew a subtle smile line, accompanied with a small indent you couldn't help but find endearing.
His eyes were downcasted, his small, quiet snorts taking over the silence, and it grew to both of you struggling to contain the laughter. It was immature, really, to laugh at some dirty joke, but here you were.
"You should know—" Levi had his fingers entwined, his thumbs in contact with his forehead to hide his suppressed, hysterical laugh. "Olou slept on them— two on the thigh— and I told Eld to take the cork out—"
And you laughed, laughed, laughed, until both of you ran out of humor to laugh at the same, stupid joke. You were wiping the tear from your eyes, while you peered at Levi raking his hair in an attempt to smooth it. Who knew the Captain, the Humanity's strongest soldier, had a crude sense of humor.
But this, this man beside you wasn't Humanity's strongest, nor the captain that everyone feared and revered by many. This was simply Levi from the shell that people dubbed him as. The boy who grew and survived from the slum and filth of the Underground and grew to be this humble, carefree- if-he-could-be.
It was humbling to witness it firsthand.
Fresh sunlight highlighted his pasty skin; his hair burnt from black to darker hues of brown. There were residues of laughter on his features. The corners of his eyes had a playful squint on them, his lips still curved to a suppressed, tight line, it threatened to spill to one last chuckle. And suddenly yet very slowly, his coats were back as layers, like it was second nature for him to put it back the moment the sun rose up.
"Let's get moving," He said, propping himself up. It sounded like an invitation rather than a command. Your lips tightened, weighing if you should say it.
Say it. Say what? You have no idea, it just felt right to say something to truly wrap things up in a good note.
"Levi?" You called out, trusting your voice to sound warm but it sounded clipped to your ears. He craned his neck down, to your direction, waiting with patience to be out with it, whatever it was you felt compelled to say.
"I just… I wanna say thank you for believing in me. For trusting me, protecting me and always looking out for me." And that was what came out. Not bad. It was honest and sincere, you do feel grateful.
And he grew very, very still.
His jaw tightened, as if suppressing something he shouldn't do, but did it anyway.
His lips felt dry and chapped, yet you eased at the warmth and iinate softness that came from his gentle, yet earnest press.