It was difficult not to mentally compare your ramshackle of a cabin to Nanaba's cozy, autumn-themed hut.
"Please, sit where you're comfortable." Nanaba settled her and your jacket in the hanger behind the door. Other than the flairs of orange and brown on the humble furniture, the whole place smelled like cinnamon, which made you longed for autumn even more. "It's not much, but Miche and I share the work maintaining this place."
You noticed that they bought your pillow cases you sold to one of Reeve's shop before. Now it had been cut to halves and made to accommodate throw pillows in their small living room.
"I think it's wonderful," You mumbled while your eyes feasted in the uncomplicated and energizing interior.
"Ah, that's all on Miche." She handed you a cup of water before sipping her own. "This is his thing. I know he looks intimidating, but once you get to know him, he's really not what everyone thinks he is."
You responded with a smile, too tired to carry on conversations, but too alert to fall asleep. You sipped the water in the mug, noting the surprising tang and sweetness of the drink. It has been a while since you consumed something with sugar.
"What do you want to do?" Nanaba said, her hands brushed and massaged the lines of her nape. It wasn't difficult to notice a slight tremor in her pinky that traveled and worsened to the ring finger and index finger.
"We have cards… Do you want to eat? Or yeah— maybe I could show you Miche's sketches. Don't tell him though…"
"Nanaba, you're shaking." You said absently, which stopped her from her tracks. Her fingers left her neck and now it traveled up and down her arm, as if soothing herself. What was she so nervous about?
"Is there something—"
"Oh, you know, soldier's curse—" You raised your eyebrow, knowing she was shaking because of something else. You stared at her for what felt like a long time and only until she sighed in resignation, did you let her see a vulnerable expression.
"Miche's squad is already at Reiss's chapel." She bit her lower lip before she continued. Her eyes frantically searched the wooden floor. "And I'm not there…"
"I'm sure Sir Miche will be fine."
"How would you know that? Even I'm not entirely sure." She snapped. Now she was nibbling at her fingernails. When she realized how harsh she sounded, she looked at you with blunt remorse, her tone buttered to coax an apology. "Sorry, I didn't mean to… Phoebe…"
"No offense taken. You're scared for Sir Miche, it's normal." You slumped on the floor. It creaked when it became acquainted with your weight. Even you were acquainted with that feeling now, especially what happened today.
"It's not losing him that scares me. It is, but…" Nanaba joined you on the floor. The balls of your shoulders touched gently. "It's that I know I can take anything good or bad as long as we face it together, and now he's apart from me…" She exhaled, looking down while she caressed her stomach. "I know I won't be able to get a wink of sleep thinking he's out there, and I'm not fighting beside him."
"You've got a battle of your own." You nudged her gently, knowing you referred to the growing life inside of her. Nanaba gave you a thoughtful, passive smile.
Quietness ate the time, but the silence didn't feel uncomfortable. You simply sat there with Nanaba, shoulder to shoulder, while you took the time sipping from your sweetened water. Nanaba didn't open a new topic nor did she elicit a response from what she said, but your guess was that, maybe, she knew you understood. Maybe when you left the hideout with her, the members of your squad already filled her with the details.
The fire crackled in their fireplace, the haunting howls of the wind made you feel colder. Back when life was uncomplicated, Nanaba and Miche's place was a place you could fall asleep at. Back when you didn't know how to use blades and tumble and venture through the forest with your gear. Back when all you knew was schoolwork and yoga and pilates and part time jobs and reading books and writing papers.
Back when you didn't know you could kill.
You stared at your fingertips as the slowly caressed the rim of the cup. Your reflection was drawn in the brownish yet transparent drink, your eyes wondered at the changes in your face.
No, you didn't grow at all. In fact, you've… changed.
"Nanaba," The silence on her end said she was waiting for you to continue. "What are you willing to do to be with Miche?" You asked, and you could feel her eyes seared in the way she stared. How depraved could she bear with him? How many sacrifices was she willing to make? Was she willing to go as far as you did? As much as you didn't want to admit it, Levi was right. Something inside you chipped away, lost and forgotten, and when you did what you did, there was a part of you that hoped Levi would fill that loss someday.
But what if he didn't? Couldn't? Wanted to, but did not? What if after all that transpired, it wasn't what you hoped it would be?
Because right now, unnamed emotions were jammed inside your chest, pounding and begging to be let out. They said love is gentle, love is kind. But this love was a hurricane sweeping you off your feet; taking you to places both thrilling and dangerous and far from the person you knew to be yourself.
Does love have to change you and shake you to your roots? Does it have to be so painful and terrifying it becomes paralyzing?
Maybe Levi was right. Maybe removing you was the best recourse. Maybe preserving what remained of your principles was the right thing to do. If it was the right thing to do, then why do you feel so…
"Lonely?" You mumbled, choking on your own spit. Anger, despair, self-pity, guilt, frustration— blended together in darkly hues and then trickled down your cup.
"Does loving someone really feel this lonely? It doesn't have to be this hard all the time, won't it?" You met her eyes, half-filled with empathy and pity.
"You could only know that kind of loneliness when you've experienced the opposite, Phoebe." Nanaba said, untwisting her neck and looking forward, as if reminiscing something painful.
"I think when you're with your person, it's the circumstances that make things difficult, and loving becomes the easiest."
"How are you so sure?" You asked, voice hoarse from the bitten tears, you chuckled so dryly. "Have you been?"
"I won't pretend I know how you feel, but I know exhaustion to the point where I thought everything we do will never change anything." Nanaba stretched her limbs out, even grunting a little. Her eyes began to droop from exhaustion, but her smile— a tender, small tug in the corner of her lips, stayed like it would always be there. You found comfort with that picture of her. Nanaba looked ahead, her hands dropped in the gap of her thighs, her legs sprawled over the length of her floor. The pained expression in her eyes was back, and it glistened through the reflections of the fire.
"But, when I'm with Miche, he becomes my rest and I begin to think, 'maybe I could go on just a little bit further.'" She put her head on your good shoulder. Maybe it was the calmness in Nanaba's voice, or the soft warmth of her torso leaning against yours that could feel your eyelids getting heavy, even with the muffled explosions outside. There was humor in her tone now, a tinge of lightness, an assurance that everything will be okay.
"After all, as long as we keep fighting, we haven't lost, have we?"
"No matter how hard it gets?" You managed to mumble.
"No matter how it gets." She replied, her voice lulling you to sleep.
LEVI ACKERMAN
"Tell me soldiers, if you were to choose between a hundred soldiers and one commander to save, who would you choose?"
The noise in that restaurant back then didn't overpower old man Pyxis' voice when he asked that question. It was a standard icebreaker to every fresh recruit he hadn't harassed and while Petra wasn't exactly fresh, and her answer never changed, Phoebe, however, answered differently than the rest of them.
"Both Eren and Ymir were going to be eaten." Hange said.
That's right, both . Phoebe said she would try and would save both the commander and the 100 soldiers. I found it amusing how easy and ballsy she said it, but knowing where that pair of balls came from— what she knew, it wasn't entirely impossible. She could say it because she knew she could do it. How greedy. But at least she knew better to share the burden with me.
"Every single Eldian who could shift gains their power by eating the current vessel of the titan." I remembered Phoebe saying. So what did that make Eren then?
"Is Eren just a vessel?"
"Yup. And shifter's lives only last for 13 years." I opened my mouth to ask why but she beat me to it. "It's because your progenitor only lived for 13 years. She got killed after taking an arrow for your king."
"What happens if the shifter dies without passing the titan to someone else?"
"Someone will be born with it. It's selected at random. Meaning—" The steam of the tea rose up to her nostrils as she took a sharp inhale. "Anyone with Eldian blood. Except me and the Ackermans. Meaning you, Mikasa and your uncle."
"Well, shit."
"We learn one thing at a time." Then she winked, and I could feel the corner of my mouth tugging upward—
"What's so funny?" Hange clapped my thoughts. "You're happy Survey's name is cleared?"
"Absolutely." I said rather promptly because I didn't want to be caught that I wasn't listening. That word is a staple when you have no clue where the conversation was going. Right now was one of those conversations.
"So Eren's gonna be a meal?" I blurted out from the last thing I heard from Hange. I knew all of these already but I needed to play dumber than the titans outside. Four-eyes had been talking non-stop, their mouth was faster than cannons could reload.
"Yeah— hold on," Hange looked around. "I don't see Phoebe," Hange's face soured. "Did she…?"
"She's with Nanaba."
"Eh? Was she injured that badly?" Hange grimaced. Four-eyes wouldn't say it out loud but a part of Hange liked Phoebe.
"Yeah, one impossible to recover from." I said, sending tacit signals until Hange got what I meant.
"You probably pulled that stunt for her, didn't you? Seeing her all wounded up." Hange scratched their obviously week-old, unwashed scalp that flakes were starting to chip. Four-eyes' face grimaced at the thought of killing people instead of titans.
"It's unlike you to act on your emotions, Levi."
"I didn't do that, four-eyes." I replied. "Phoebe did—" Surprise registered on Hange's face.
"She—!" There was a careful exhale on Hange's mouth as they slowly took in the information. "I didn't know she could…?"
"She thought I got shot badly. She thinks she's responsible for Gunther's…"
"That's why you sent her away?"
My silence answered for the most of it, and Hange succumbed on the grass. They knew what I was like— well, not most of it, but she knew what I used to do.
"Well, where's Miche's squad?" Hange said, looking around. My squad and Ugly readied their horses as Moblit and Rashad prepared the cart that would contain Ugly.
"They're staking out at Reiss's chapel. They'll be waiting for us." I answered while they studied Ymir suspiciously. "I took Ugl— Ymir, if you don't mind."
"Of course I don't," Hange gave Ugly a nod which Ugly also returned. "You don't get to work with titans up close. Eren's fine but sometimes, you need variety to keep things interesting."
"You're sick."
"Said the guy who has a gunshot wound." Hange rolled their eyes before their expression turned curious again. "But if Miche's squad's out at Reiss and Ymir is here, who's watching over Hoover?"
"I don't know." I said, "Ask the man when you see him. We should go."
That was when four-eyes looked sharp that even the edge of their glasses gleamed in the moonlight. What the fuck, I think I'm seeing things.
"Right," Hange tugged their cape. "I'll tell you more while we move."
And filthy four-eyes went on and on about how Historia and Eren's recovery was the crux of all shit that's happening. That Reiss family used to have five brats and a plus one from a seasoned whore. Then one night, Eren's model of a father— or as Hange knew to be bandits , destroyed the chapel and killed everyone in the family except Rod Reiss. Historia, being a bastard, of course, lived apart from the Reisses and didn't know any of it since she was always brainwashed by her dear half-testicle of a sister. How touching.
Then just as any father would miss their kid they've abandoned for years, Rod Reiss thought it was the best time to meet with his convenient, nominal daughter and her soon-to-be-dinner. And he did so like a pig squealing for shit.
Blood ties. What was so special about them anyway? Be glad I asked.
"They're the pure bloods." Phoebe responded when I asked her that question. I remembered her curled on my couch beside me, like a mutt conserving body heat. "Meaning their blood dates waaaaay back to your progenitor, Ymir. The first titan."
"And? That makes them special?"
"Hmm," The sofa groaned as she adjusted the way she laid. "For starters, they could command all pure titans. Even the ones hiding in your walls. I know I'm not there when you recovered Eren, but have you wondered why the pure titans started to eat one specific titan back then? Reiner and that pure titan…?"
The memory lit up like a bulb as my eyes met hers again. She shrugged, knowing I knew exactly what she was talking about. "There was that time." I said, remembering how the titans ganged up on Braun and he ended up losing time from tossing titans in our direction.
"But why did that happen? Is Eren pure blood?" Phoebe hugged her knees as she playfully ragdolled sideways. She stared at the ceiling, recalling memories with ease.
"Far from it. But when Hannes got eaten, the titan that ate him was actually a pureblood." She started to look contemplative. "Then Eren touched that titan's palm and that's why Eren had a quick access to paths— err, that's your titan control room."
"Titan… control room?" She hummed in a matter of factly tone when I confirmed it to her. I sighed and sipped some water. Looking back now, what would've happened if I didn't believe her? Everything she said on my couch that night was starting to align itself the more Hange uncovered things one by one.
"Sorry," She sat up, joints popping as she did. It was annoying to watch her unruly hair, tangled, flat and matted from laying down but I fought the strong urge to comb it. She must've taken that irritation as exhaustion.
"Do you need to take a break sir?" She glanced at the darkened skies outside and back to me. "I'll get some food. You look pale—"
"But how did you know?" I ignored her sentiment. "You weren't there."
Her lips tightened to an apologetic smile. She just knew. That didn't answer the question. She never intended to.
"Soldiers will probably be sent to the Reiss family estate by dawn. I doubt he'll stick around that long, we need to hurry." Hange concluded. "But there is something I still don't understand…"
"What?"
"Why did the bandits find it necessary to destroy the chapel? Normal bandits just take what they want and leave." Hange reasoned.
"Maybe they used explosives."
"Then why destroy just to loot? They would attract attention and it's the last thing they should've wanted." Hange insisted. "What's more— Rod Reiss rebuilt the chapel out of his own pocket. It feels like he didn't want attention."
I've kept silent and stayed agreeable like the man that I usually am. Now I understood Phoebe's hesitance to say anything to anyone. If anyone should know how much Phoebe actually knew… not only would she be hanged in the gallows after days of torture, anyone who knew should better ne good in hiding, if such a safe place ever existed inside these walls.
I sighed, and was surprised how rugged and unsettled I sounded. Guess the picture of the things they would do to her ate me more than I initially thought.
"I wished I discovered all of these earlier," Hange said with a gnarled tone. "This is bad, we might not make it."
"Ah, Levi," Hange crossed their arms, a careful, tensed expression plastered on their face. "Not that I don't trust you— don't get it wrong, but how did Miche ended up finding the chapel when none of us knew until today?"