Chapter 15

Upstairs in Spike's room, Xander stood beside the closed door, exactly where Spike had left him. Spike leaned against the desk, and observed his childe with a furrowed brow. Xander scuffed his foot on the floor briefly before stilling. He was clearly uncomfortable, and Spike didn't want to make it worse, knowing now what Xander had been through, but he couldn't let the kid's behavior slide this time.

Heaving a deep sigh, Spike moved to sit on the bed. Xander quickly glanced up from the floor, but lowered his gaze when Spike turned toward him.

"Xander," Spike began.

Xander cut him off. "I'm sorry, Spike. I'm just scared."

Spike sighed again, and Xander flinched.

"I know that, but it's not an excuse. You understand?"

Xander nodded.

"I didn't hear you." Spike's voice was firm.

"I understand."

"I don't think you really do." Spike's voice was disappointed, and it cut Xander more sharply than any blade.

Xander opened his mouth, and then closed it before moving slowly to stand before Spike.

"Then help me."

Spike remained silent, carefully watching Xander's face.

Xander knelt before Spike, tilting his face to look into his sire's eyes. "Help me."

Spike could remember begging his sire for things, often things that he never got. He'd learned early that he shouldn't ask for help, because it would not be given. He would not teach Xander the same lesson.

"What do you need?" He kept his voice soft, but made no move to touch the boy, despite his every instinct screaming to comfort him.

"I…" Xander hesitated a moment. "I don't know."

Spike tilted Xander's face upward. "That's a good start."

"I just don't feel safe anymore."

Spike moved his hand to the back of Xander's head. "Do you remember our conversation six months after you turned?"

Xander blinked at the abrupt change of topic, but nodded. "Yes."

"I won't leave you, Xan. I promised. I thought you trusted me."

"I do trust you." The force of Xander's anguish rocked him forward on his knees.

Spike took his arm and pulled him up to sit on the bed. "Then why won't you accompany me for some fun?"

Xander shuddered. "I…I don't want to get caught again."

Spike nodded sagely. "So, you don't trust me to have your back after I let you get caught last time."

Xander stared at Spike in shock.

"I understand that, whelp. I failed as your sire. I'm meant to keep you safe. To teach you how to protect yourself too, and I failed. It's no wonder you don't trust me."

Spike sounded so sad that it brought tears to Xander's eyes. He hadn't cried in a long time. Certainly not since he was human. Maybe longer. During his torture, he hadn't given them the satisfaction of seeing his tears, and after he'd been too numb. Launching himself at Spike, he caught the older vampire off guard and Spike grunted and tilted at the impact, but regained his balance quickly as the boy latched onto him tightly. Spike returned the embrace, holding his childe close to his unbeating heart as sobs tore themselves from deep within the boy's chest.

"I do trust you," Xander exclaimed as he tightened his hold on Spike. "I trust you more than I've ever trusted anyone," he confided.

Spike smiled, stroking Xander's hair. "I'm glad to hear that, Xander. I trust you too. So, will you go with me to find some fun?"

Xander tensed in Spike's arms, but calmed as Spike continued to rub his back. "I can't promise I'll have fun, but if it's what you want, I'll go," he replied, sniffling as the last tears fell.

Spike placed a gentle kiss to his childe's forehead. "It's a start."

Sighing again, Spike gently disengaged from Xander, pushing him back so he could look into his face. Xander took in Spike's serious expression and heaved a sigh of his own.

"I'm still in trouble, aren't I?"

Spike wiped Xander's tears away with his sleeve before nodding. "I don't mind if you disagree with me or argue about some things, Xander. I encourage it, even. I want you to be independent someday if that's what you want." Xander nodded his agreement. "But if you really trust me like you say you do, if you respect me enough to want to stay," Xander opened his mouth, but Spike hushed him before continuing. "Then you cannot speak to me like that again, at least not in front of Angel or the humans. Not yet, anyway. It goes against vampire family rules, and if you don't want Angel to think I can't handle you," he paused to let that statement sink in for a moment. "Then you have to be more careful."

Xander hung his head in shame. "I understand."

Spike smiled sadly as he brushed the hair tenderly off Xander's forehead. "I know you do."

He could smell the anxiety coming off of Xander, and, wanting to put the boy out of his misery, Spike moved before either of them could over think it. Grasping the side of Xander's head firmly, he sank his fangs none too gently into the tender flesh of Xander's neck, a brief growl the only warning. The boy flinched and began to struggle, bringing his hands up to grasp Spike's shoulders, but Spike tightened his hold, not wanting to hurt the boy more than he had to.

Xander felt tears well up in his eyes. It hurt. A lot. He'd been a vampire only a short while, yet every time he'd bitten Spike, he'd known to be gentle. Even the first time they'd exchanged blood, even before their bond had grown, Spike had been very careful with him. Xander had never known this kind of pain. Suddenly, the beatings from his human father, and the torture those demons had put him through were as nothing in comparison to the pain he felt now, pain that began at his throat and radiated down to settle deep in his chest, near his heart. On some instinctual level, he wanted to fight, to struggle, to pull away, but deeper than that, he knew not to fight, knew that would only make it worse. So, he kept his hands locked tightly, fingers digging deeply into his sire's shoulders as the pain intensified.

Yet, the physical pain was nothing in comparison to the knowledge that he'd disappointed Spike. The knowledge that Spike felt he had to do this, was forcing himself to do it to keep Xander from Angel, hurt more than anything else.

Somehow, Xander understood. Without very many words, something primal inside of him knew why Spike was doing this. Somewhere inside of him, the demon howled, desperate to please his sire, still too young to immediately know how, wishing he hadn't disappointed Spike so that he could show Xander how to respond correctly.

Spike kept his fangs embedded deeply in Xander's flesh, not moving despite the boy's pained whimpers, not drinking the blood, though his childe tilted his head minutely to offer the delectable essence. He almost drew away at the attempt to appease him, but knew he couldn't. He wasn't joking about Angel. Even though they had an agreement, even though he'd laughed this time, even though he might not want to, might not even mean to do it, if he felt Spike couldn't handle Xander, he would take over the boy's rearing, as he had when Spike was still a fledge, and Spike was not willing to give up his childe, especially to that kind of teaching. His eyes flashed and his fangs sank a little deeper, causing Xander to moan in pain. A growl rumbled up through his throat, and a low whine escaped his childe's lips as the pain intensified with the vibrations. No one would take Xander from him. Never again.

The two vampires sat locked in this brutal embrace for a time. Xander's gasps of pain intensified, and Spike's dead heart nearly bled at the pain he was causing, and he wished he could have explained this more to Xander. He didn't move, however, keeping his jaw locked and his hand firm. His childe should be able to figure it out, if he'd only listen to his instincts. He could feel the tears coursing down his childe's face, could hear Xander's apologies, but Spike remained still, waiting.

Xander recognized that Spike was waiting for something, but he didn't know what. He couldn't apologize more than he already had. He'd offered his blood. What more did Spike want? Trying to focus on Spike, rather than on the pain, he hoped he might get a glimpse of what his sire wanted. He stopped gasping for air he no longer needed, and drew in a deep breath through his nose. The movement caused fresh pain in his neck, but he ignored it. He could smell Spike's scent, familiar and comforting, and his own blood. The scents together were heady, and he hoped that was the reason he suddenly felt dizzy, rather than from blood loss. A twinge of pain made Xander shudder, and he whimpered again. It was then he realized that Spike wasn't moving. He'd barely moved since he'd penetrated Xander's flesh; each moment of pain since the first, had been caused almost entirely by Xander's own movements. And it was then that Xander finally understood.

Only ten minutes had passed before he felt Xander go limp in his grasp, submitting completely. He tightened the hand on Xander's neck as he gently pulled his fangs from his childe's sensitive flesh, allowing his tongue to come out to clean the excess blood and soothe the hurt. When he was satisfied that Xander's neck was clean, he drew back, fully expecting the boy to pull away from him. Surprise washed over him when Xander curled into his arms, knocking him back onto the bed. The boy was whimpering again, but this time from emotional turmoil and not from physical pain, seeking comfort only his sire could provide. Spike drew him further into his embrace, wrapping his arms as tightly around him as he could.

Xander sighed into Spike's neck, and relaxed fully against his sire, clinging tightly to him. Spike tilted his head, and Xander latched eagerly onto his neck, his fangs gently scraping Spike's skin in warning before he bit down more gently than Spike had expected, lazily lapping up the blood that spilled, not truly hungry, but wanting to replace the blood that had been lost, and taking comfort in the act. Spike smiled as he felt Xander relax into a deep sleep, gently stroking the marks where his own fangs had pierced the boy. The marks would not heal quickly, and would serve as a reminder to both of them. Yet they would heal, and so would Xander.

A/N: What was that? Did I just write the vampire equivalent of a spanking?