Memoirs of a Simp: My Undying Love for Rachel Berry

by anothergleekgirl

FINCHEL FUTUREFIC. Do you believe in Love? Finn Hudson does. Their love story was EPIC. Finn reflects back on their story from first meeting to how they ended up. Spans full life of Finn & Rachel, told in Finn's POV. Begins FRESHMAN year high school, thru college, and everything that followed over the next 50 plus years. S1-4 mostly canon, with some divergence.

14. Ch13: WMHS-Junior Year Part V

WMHS Junior Year - Part V

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RACHEL. IS SO. STUBBORN!

Right, so. My plans at the Sadie Hawkins dance didn't exactly turn out the way I hoped… but at least Rachel DID finally speak to me (in full sentences and everything – and without throwing stuff at me either). And she DID say she loved my song, and she DID let me kiss her… but then she did also say she wants to continue the pause. Which totally sucks a big one, especially because I had all these great plans for her birthday and Christmas.

But you should already know by now, I don't give up that easily ;)

So… Rachel's birthday was yesterday. I had the necklace all wrapped and ready. I had reservations at a fancy restaurant (not Breadstix!) with a great vegan menu and her favorite flowers ready for her. It was the most perfect romantic date I've ever planned. Except for one problem. She wouldn't go with me! I know she asked for time and wants to continue the pause.., I know this stuff with Allie really hurt her, but what the hell? I just wanted to show her how much she means to me and celebrate her special day, but she just wouldn't let me. Like, Rachel LOVES to be the center of attention, and my birthday date idea shoulda been GOLD… but I guess the song I sang to her didn't fix everything, although at least it did get her talking to me again.. Well, for that one night anyway.

{{Sigh}} I guess I should have expected it, I mean that is the point of 'the pause' after all, right? I really just hoped she'd make an exception for that one day… but she wouldn't. Stubborn. We haven't even talked since the dance. I had to try to invite her for this date through Kurt – which he wasn't very happy about, but oh well. Suck it up. Whatever. He said he talked to her and she told him she thought it was too soon for us to have an evening out together, although she appreciated the thought and thanked me for it.. Or so Kurt said; guess I have to take his word for it that SHE actually said that.

Anyway. I saved her present for whenever I can finally give it to her myself, but I left the flowers with her papa Hiram to give her. When I came by with the flowers, he wanted to have another talk with me. She wasn't home, her daddy Leroy had taken her on a big shopping spree for her birthday, so he actually invited me inside to chat this time.

He told me that Rachel has been very sad lately, said he'd even say she's been depressed. He asked me what happened between us since Rachel isn't talking to them about it – which is super weird, because she usually tells her dads everything.. No I mean EVERYTHING.. Even things I wish she wouldn't tell them sometimes… (Like how we haven't actually had sex yet but she thinks she wants to – soon, and she wants her first time to be with me – YES she really said that to them! I remember thinking I should prob'ly get some new boxers made of Kevlar or something when she sprang that little nugget on me. Leroy hasn't looked at me the same since!)

Well, I just sucked in a deep breath and told Hiram everything. It just poured outta me like word vomit. I told him about the misunderstanding over Quinn kissing me and Rachel's reaction. About my concerns over our trust issues and my bad dreams and my jealousy and fears over St. Jackass. About the pause and my friendship with Allie and Rachel's hurt feelings over it. I told him about the dance and my song and now the pause SHE asked for after it. He listened without interrupting and when I was done he just sorta shook his head and sighed.

"Finn… you're kinda slow sometimes aren't you? I mean, you seem to be a healthy, capable and at least moderately intelligent young man. It's clear to both myself and Leroy how much you care about our daughter, and perhaps you're well intentioned enough most of the time, but when it comes to Rachel I think you need some guidance."

I kinda chuckled nervously, "Yes sir, I couldn't agree more." If only there was an actual HOW-TO book on Rachel Berry.. that'd be super awesome!

He reached out and put his hand on my arm. "Listen son. Rachel, she's very… fragile sometimes. I'm sure by now you are well aware of her flair for the dramatic – and between you and me, I think she gets that more from Leroy," he sniggered. I hid a smile so as not to insult either of her dads. I have to protect my junk at all times around her dads… it's hard enough for a guy to do that when facing one dad, but Rachel has TWO dads. It kinda terrifies me sometimes – especially considering how many times I've screwed up with her (AND the fact that Rachel always overshares all the humiliating gory details with them.. UGH). I'm actually kinda stunned that Hiram is so willing to talk to me like this and even still treats me like family after all the crap I put Rach through last year – and yeah, I know she told them both EVERYTHING that happened last year – another bunch of stuff I wished she would have kept to herself and her diary!

"Finn, you have to understand, our Rachela was raised in a certain way.. Admittedly, a very spoiled and overly doted upon certain way, which, perhaps looking back on it, we should have reconsidered. She has some challenges socially, and that's our fault. We sheltered her too much as a child. We perhaps didn't do enough to let her blossom and grow, and understand about friendships and boy-girl relationships. Maybe some of that was our own ignorance or resistance to society for the way we were always regarded and rejected as a couple. We just wanted to protect her. But in protecting her, we might have transferred some of our fears onto her and prevented her from experiencing many emotions in the way that maybe most young girls would… then there's the whole lack of a mother in her life, which we all know has certainly had its deep emotional ramifications on her."

"Yes sir, I totally understand how that's affected her. We actually talk about it a lot. I do try to be more understanding and patient with her about things because I know how that's affected her."

He smiled warmly and said "Please son, stop with the 'yessirs'.. This is not the military. Hiram is fine."

"Yes sir– I mean, okay, Hiram." Wow that feels weird to say.

He just grinned at me. "Well, if you know about her abandonment issues, then perhaps you can see how all these separate instances of conflict between the two of you have started to compound and begun to take a toll on her self esteem, on her confidence. Finn, I know she loves you. She has made that ABUNDANTLY clear to us on nearly a daily basis since the first time you kissed her. Her passion and conviction toward you has frankly been about as unwavering as her desire to be a star and take Broadway by storm… and actually, it frightens us a little. She's so young – you both are – to feel so much passion about another person. It sometimes sounds like her feelings for you eclipse her other dreams. That's a pretty huge shift for her, in case you didn't realize it."

"Oh, yes si– I mean, Hiram. Yeah, I totally know it. I was really shocked myself when she told me basically what I think you're saying, that she loves me as much as she loves the idea of being a Broadway star. B-but, I want you and the other Mr. Berry to know that I DO believe she IS a star already. She's the most incredible person I've ever met. And I would never ever wanna hold her back from reaching her dreams, in fact I wanna help her get there someday. She deserves it."

He patted my arm. "You're a good man at heart, Finn Hudson. But for all your well meaning good intentions, I think you're just a young man who is still learning about life and relationships… and this particular relationship with Rachel would be challenging enough for the both of you if you were older and more mature, but at this stage of your life, everything is so over the top, end of the world, do or die sort of BIG and exciting and heart crushing sometimes. When Rachel is hurt, she doesn't always know how to react. Her first instinct has always been to hurt back. To be honest though, until you came along, we didn't know this about her. It's something we've had to learn and adapt to over the past year or so. I think in many ways, we are all three learning new things about Rachel together… So just, keep being patient with her right now. I really don't see her walking away from you permanently any time soon, but that doesn't mean she will roll over and let you walk on her or take her for granted."

"NO sir, I never mean to hurt her, or take her for granted. I'll admit I've made mistakes in the past but the two of us talked all that through this past summer and I know exactly how I feel about her now. I was confused in the beginning… but I never felt these kinds of strong feelings for anyone before Rachel. It sorta scared me, and I wasn't sure what to do about them or what they meant at the time.. I know now though. But also Rach can be really stubborn, and she sometimes messes up too. I know I get frustrated with her too, but usually once I have time to think about it I can work it out with her. This time though, it just seems like the biggest mess yet and I don't know how to fix things. She's being like, extra stubborn and really won't talk to me."

He nodded at me with a knowing look. "Yes, yes… young love. First love. It's scary sometimes. And YES I am well acquainted with that 'extra stubborn side' you're referring to. As much as her father and I hate to admit it, no, Rachel is NOT perfect. But she is extraordinarily passionate and she does have a really big heart – which, unfortunately for you, young lad, means when it breaks, it breaks really big. That said, I'm glad to hear you're both so open with each other; it will go a long way for you both if you're to have a future together. Just realize that Rachel is very passionate about the people she cares about. But passion feeds stubbornness. That stubborn streak of hers is probably my fault; I think she gets her determination from me too.. And while we creative, passionate people may love immensely, we also hurt immensely. It's hard to hold onto someone like that. It's even harder to learn how to handle someone like that and to NOT make them hurt OR to let yourself be hurt by them… doubly difficult when you consider her deeper pain from missing a mother figure in her world to help guide her through these complex emotions. You need to realize that any hint of a lack of conviction on your part could trigger her delicate emotions and cause her to pull away."

"Yeah no kidding, I think I'm learning this already… the hard way, obviously."

"Good. And yet, knowing all of this, are you really sure Rachel is worth fighting for, worth waiting for, worth adapting yourself to be able to be with?"

"Sir, Hiram, I can't lie to myself, or to you or to anyone.. Rachel is worth EVERYTHING. She means more to me than anything... I love her as much as I love my mom, and I never wanna see her in pain… but I know I mess up a lot. I really don't know why or how it even happens sometimes. Maybe sometimes I've been afraid to let myself get hurt, and maybe sometimes I've gotten bad advice from others. I'm sure my pride has gotten in the way sometimes too... But I always try to fix it though. And I've been through enough with Rach in the past year that I know I never wanna lose her. She's my best friend. So I'll do whatever I have to in order for her to believe it, and to get things right with her."

He put both hands on each of my shoulders and stared hard at me, like he was using HIS super-dad x-ray vision to size me up, see if I was telling the truth or something. Finally he said "Good answer Hudson. Good man. Stay the course, and hang in there. Where there is love, there is always a way forward. Just give her time, I'm sure you two will work everything out. But of course even when you DO work it out – as I'm certain you will – we'll still expect you to keep it in your pants or risk losing it, if you know what I'm saying."

I gulped and exhaled hard and said "Yes sir Hiram. I totally understand… but so I hope you know, I'd never pressure Rachel for anything she isn't ready for. I respect her too much and plus, my mom would totally kick my butt if I acted that way. And Rachel, well, sometimes I think she thinks she's ready or capable of handling things and it's ME who has to try and slow her down… which is shocking even to myself. But that's how much I care about her. I'd suffer anything to be sure she is okay."

"I'm very glad to hear that Finn. And yes, it's clear Carole has done a wonderful job raising you to be a fine respectable young man. Rachel has always had good instincts about you, Finn. And so do I. Leroy, well… let's just say he may need a little more convincing yet, but I'm sure he'll come around one day. Especially if you really are here to stay." He winked at me and we shared a laugh.. Mine was maybe more of a nervous, panic-stricken choking than a laugh, but whatever. I think we understand each other. I like Hiram a lot. It feels good to have another father-type figure to talk to.

. . . . .

SAVING CHRISTMUKKAH... SORT OF?

It's the Tuesday before Christmas. There was this whole ordeal with needing a new tree for the choir room (long story but to summarize, I found a free tree, we decorated it, then it got stolen by some UBER GRINCH). Everyone was pretty down after all the work we put into fixing it up nice, so Mr. Schue ended up giving us money to go get a new one from the tree lot out past the lake.

I volunteered to go get it, since y'know, my truck, but I was actually super surprised when Rachel offered to come with me. She said it was something we needed to do together as 'co-captains, for the club'. Hmm. Okay.. we're still paused because SHE wants it that way and she hasn't talked to me for like EVER now, but who was I to question her motives? :)

She was quiet all the way on the drive over, except for singing to a couple Christmas songs on the radio. When we got to the lot, she suggested I look down one aisle and she'd look down another. Then Wham's 'Last Christmas' song was playing over the loudspeakers. No matter where she was I always had her in my side view. I wondered if she was doing the same with me.

I finally looked straight at her and saw her pretty face from across the lot. She was singing along, and so was I (even though I think this song is totally depressing and should really be banned from ALL Christmas playlists, but it's catchy and there's like jingle bell sounds in the song, so, whatever). She looked like she was crying, and I nearly was too, because seriously, this song is SO not a cheery holiday track and also, this was just NOT how I wanted our very first Christmas together to be working out!

Anyway. By the time the song ended, we'd been walking back towards each other and ended up standing close together, face to face. I took one of her hands loosely, playing with her fingers through her pink fuzzy crocheted mittens and looked deep into her big beautiful eyes. Neither of us said a word, just stood there for a long beat. We were both closing in slowly and just about to kiss and just as our lips were starting to touch, some bratty tweener kid threw a snowball that hit us both in the face!

Well needless to say, that kinda broke the mood entirely. I thought Rach would be super pissed and humiliated by that rotten little punk's prank, but instead she just laughed. I helped her wipe the snow from her face and hair, and she did the same for me. Then she pulled me by the hand and walked me to a quieter row with nobody in it, saying she wanted to talk for a minute.

"I wanted to thank you, for giving me space and continuing to honor our pause. I'm sure it hasn't been easy, I know it hasn't for me. And, in the spirit of the holidays, I've decided that it's time to end the silence between us, Finn."

"Yeah? Sooo, um.. are you saying.. What are you saying exactly, Rach?"

"Well, I'm not quite sure that I'm ready to end the pause and fully resume our relationship just yet, but I have been doing a lot of soul searching since Hanukkah. And the dance. And my birthday. I've wanted to tell you how much I appreciated your Hanukkah gifts, Finn… I loved them all, so very much. I was especially so touched by the bracelet, and the framed song.. but mostly by your thoughtfulness. The fact that you even took the initiative and remembered my holiday tradition really meant so much to me, more than you can possibly know. And also, your gift selections showed me how much you really care and how well you really do know me, which I love and appreciate so much about you…"

See, I knew the Hanukkah gifts were a great idea! Still it was nice to finally hear her say so, even though I didn't get to be with her to celebrate or see her open them. But at least I know it mattered to her that I made the effort. "Rach, I was happy to shower you with gifts.. If I was rich I'd give you something every single day of the year."

She gave me that special pearly smile that makes my heart swell up. "You're so sweet Finn… that would be completely unnecessary but I appreciate the sentiment. And… Also, I - I wanted to apologize. I'm very sorry that I couldn't accept your invitation to take me out for my birthday. It.. it was really just too soon for me."

"Rachel it's okay, I get it. I mean, yeah I was disappointed and stuff, but.. I understood. I'd hurt you again. Doesn't matter how or why, the point was you were hurt and asked for time. So maybe it was stupid for me to think you'd just be willing to go out with me so soon after everything anyway."

"It's not that I didn't want to go out with you, Finn. At least, part of me really did want to go. I just… I wasn't ready yet. I'm still not completely sure how I feel right now but.. but I know that I do miss you. Even if I'm still a little hurt."

I brushed her bangs from her eyes and ran a finger down her cheek and said "Hey, I understand. I'm sorry I put us back in this situation. But uh.. I also just wanna let you know… I haven't been hanging out with Allie anymore. I told her we can still be friends, just, not like it was before. I mean, we still talk in school, but that's all."

"Oh? Well, Kurt mentioned noticing that she seems to have stopped coming around to visit."

"Rach, I need you to know that I'm truly sincerely sorry about everything with Allie... especially Thanksgiving. I mean, I swear I only meant to be nice to a new friend, and I thought telling you about her coming over would like, make it okay somehow, but you were right. I didn't really think about how it might have upset you. You know I never wanted to upset you, right?"

"Yes, I do know that Finn. I should also apologize to you… maybe I overreacted just a little bit too. I know it wasn't your intention to hurt me. And I realize you do regard her as just a friend.. And it's true, you can't help the way other people feel about you, right? Even if she does have a crush or something, I don't think you were actively looking to encourage her behavior or trying to make her feel that way. That is, I assume you weren't…"

"What? No, no way Rach, never! No, just… She was just a good friend to me in a moment when I needed someone to stop me from doing something stupid. That's where it all started I guess, and I wanted to return the favor, just a gesture of friendship, y'know?"

"What does that mean, she stopped you from doing something stupid?"

"Oh. Yeah, so I guess I never explained, like, how we got to be friends in the first place. Well… Remember the week I came back to school after I broke my hand, the day when you came to my locker and I.. I walked away and left you standing there? Well I don't know, I guess I went off in a raging fit thinking about you kissing him, and I suddenly was out for blood – his blood. I stormed into the choir room looking for him with the full intention of kicking his ass back to Carmel or UCLA or something. Turns out Allie was the only one in there. She knew I was about to get into some big trouble by the way I was acting and she just kinda talked me outta doing the stupid thing."

"Oh my goodness, Finn! You know that would have been so foolish, you could've been expelled! But.. You never said anything about that day before now, so no, I didn't know about any of that. So then, h-how exactly did she talk you out of, well, I would assume talk you out of the fight you intended to get into?"

Yeah, more like the Braveheart I was planning to unleash on his face… "I dunno, she just sorta blocked me from running after him and calmly talked to me. Introduced herself, asked me to go outside for some fresh air. She said she liked the drizzly weather and well, y'know how I like that kinda weather too…"

"So… you're saying you two bonded… over drizzle?"

"Well, I wouldn't say bonded, but I mean, yeah, it was something we had in common. It just surprised me to hear her say it was her favorite weather."

"Finn. I… I think you felt a kindred connection with her, right at that moment. Maybe you didn't mean to, but.."

"NO, no no Rach, not like that. There was nothing romantic or whatever, it was just… it caught me off guard, that's all."

"So… I assume you went out for the fresh air in the drizzle weather with her… And then what happened?"

I nodded yes, and I'm actually surprised she's being pretty cool hearing about all of this right now. "Mostly nothing. She talked about her old school and missing her friends, how hard it was coming here in the middle of her high school experience and trying to make new friends. She did most of the talking, and to be honest, I was only half listening. For me, it was just a distraction from all the crap that was spinning in my brain about our stuff, y'know, me and you. Anyway, I don't even know how we got on the subject of sports or basketball, but we ended up heading to the park after school planning to shoot some hoops. Her suggestion. That's the first time we hung out."

She let out a long breath and had a sort of faraway look. I can tell she's processing all this and deciding what to say.. And I hope whatever she's gonna say is not like, yelling. We promised each other no more lies, total honesty... so I really needed to tell her all this stuff.

"So you had a connection over the weather and sports and it just went from there. Well, I guess I see how you would welcome that sort of distraction, considering how much I'd hurt you and how I know you really wanted to take it out on Jesse... Maybe I should be thanking her myself, because you and your temper could have gotten into some serious trouble that day."

"Rachel, whatever friendship I felt with her starting that day, it's NOTHING compared to the bond I feel with you, that I have ALWAYS felt with you, probably before I even realized what was happening. I wish I could find the right words to explain it… but whatever it is, I just know that I can't lose you. Ever. I mean, part of it is for sure our musical connection, but it's something much more than that. I just can't explain how I really feel about you. Maybe if I could actually figure it out and find the words, then I could learn how to stop screwing up with you and learn to get it right more often."

"Well. If we're being totally honest Finn, we've both made some dumb mistakes; we've both hurt each other, even if we didn't mean to… or even if sometimes maybe we did. But I kind of know what you mean. We do have some deeper connection. I can't explain it either… except… I sort of think maybe we're soulmates?"

"Yeah? You think that's what it is?"

"Well, I certainly don't have much experience to know for sure, but from all the books I've ever read and movies I've ever seen, yes, it certainly feels like that to me."

"Yeah… maybe that's what it is, Rach. I DO really really love you."

"Me too, Finn. I love you too.. so much."

"But you're not ready to end the pause."

She gave me a weak smile, and cupped a mitten covered hand to my cheek. "I.. I just need a little more time, I think. But.. I do want us to talk more, and to try to spend more time together. Maybe almost like starting over? Slower.. But just not so separate, if that makes sense?"

"Hey, I'm game. Whatever you need, Rach." It seemed like now was a good time to bring it up. "So.. uh, you know that Christmas is just a couple days away… and I was really looking forward to spending it together with you. And NO, I did NOT ask Allie to come and I'm not going to! But I was really hoping you would consider coming over, even if we're just friends and still 'paused'. Would you at least think about it?"

She looked up at me with the sweetest smile. "Yes, I'll think about it. I have to admit, I'd also been looking forward to spending the holiday with you as well, and.. So yes, I think I'm open to doing that."

"Seriously? That'd be so awesome Rach. Mom will be happy to see you too, so will Kurt. And I promise to make it better than Thanksgiving."

"Hey, Thanksgiving wasn't all bad, remember? It had its moments," she smirked and bumped into my side with her hip.

"Yeah, I totally remember… but maybe we should avoid any food fights this time. I don't know if Burt will keep that secret more than once!" She giggled loudly and it was the sweetest music to my ears. Way better than that stupid Wham! song.

. . . . .

We talked for so long at the tree lot, it ended up closing before we could pick out a new tree. But that didn't seem to matter because the next day when we went to the choir room, we found a brand new bigger, more beautiful tree and lots of REAL presents under it! I guess we had a bonafide Christmas miracle! It was so great to see everyone smiling and enjoying the holiday spirit, but even better was knowing I'd be spending at least some of the holiday break at home with Rachel afterwards.

Since I missed out on actually spending Hanukkah with her and I'd missed her birthday, I wanted this to be an extra special time with Rachel. Friday was Christmas Eve. Mom said Rach could spend the night as a sleepover in Kurt's room. Rach was a little nervous about the idea at first, but Kurt was real excited and talked her into it, and even invited Mercedes over Thursday night for the three of them to hang out and have their own 'girls night' in, watching Christmas musicals and doing each other's hair or something. Kinda weird to call it that, but it's how he referred to it so… whatever.

So Rach ended up staying Thursday and Friday night, that way she was able to spend all of Christmas Eve and wake up with us for Christmas morning (guess Santa was really paying attention to me this year?). We had a totally great time on Christmas Eve night (and it did NOT end in a Rachel Berry storm out either). Mom and Rach did their cooking thing all morning and then later on me and Rach made cookies, including these fruity raspberry filled ones like she'd made for Hanukkah that she wanted me to try (and they were AWESOME).

Rach also surprised me with my eight days of Hanukkah gifts that she'd been holding onto. (Being RACHEL, turns out she'd bought some of the presents even before our pause ever started.) She let me open them three per day starting on the 23rd, sorta like a shorter version of Hanukkah, and she'd even brought a menorah with her to the sleepover that we lit together. I even have my very own yarmulke now (one of the first gifts she let me open). She said a prayer as I lit the candles and then we chomped down on some brisket that she'd brought with her (which, I've never had brisket til now and OMG it was so good! Being Jewish is super AWESOME!).

So I guess we sorta shared Christmukkah together? Whatever you wanna call it, it was just nice to have that time together with her. I just couldn't believe she'd already planned to include me in her celebration and still wanted to do this stuff with me now. She's just so amazing.

Also on Christmas Eve, I wanted to give her the birthday present I didn't have the chance to give her before. It was the matching necklace to go with the star bracelet, and the look on her face when she finally opened it was priceless. She kissed me on the cheek and hugged me tight… then Kurt came bouncing into my room and squealing about his eyes bleeding at the sight of us, and pulled Rachel away to go watch some Judy Garland thingy on TV. TOTAL COCK BLOCK!

Christmas day came, and I was saving Rachel's best gift for last. Well, I wanted to give her something extra special, to prove to her that I was totally committed to us being us again, that I was proud to be her guy. See, I remembered over the summer the one time we were at the mall when she saw this kiosk that did personalized jewelry, like name charms. She'd made a comment (that I think was meant as a joke, or maybe it was a tricky chick HINT?), how nobody would ever care enough about her to want her to wear their name like that. Right. Of course, I knew right then that she was dead wrong (and that I just needed to save up enough to get it for her).

So when I finally gave it to her, she completely broke down in tears. It was a gold charm necklace with my name on it, and she loved it so much she couldn't even speak. She had me help her put it on, and vowed to never take it off again.

After she opened her presents from me, she handed me my final gift - she'd brought none in total, eight for Hanukkah and one for Christmas. It was almost too funny that we basically had the same idea for gifts… she musta gone to that same kiosk at the mall and had a silver FINCHEL keychain made for me, only it was shaped like a football and the letters were cut out of the metal.

When nobody was looking after our gift exchange, we shared a deep kiss that was turning into a long, steamy makeout session and I was SURE we were finally going to end the pause… until…

Allie showed up. Unannounced and uninvited. She said she wanted to surprise me on Christmas day. She brought a gift for me, a new xBox wireless controller and this new video game release called Dante's Inferno. I mean, these were really nice - and sort of expensive - gifts… and Rachel kinda seemed really unhappy about it. She never said anything to Allie about it, but she also sorta got quiet and avoided me, excusing herself to help mom in the kitchen.

I told Allie I really appreciated her thoughtfulness but that I honestly couldn't accept them, it was too much. She insisted I keep them, because I had been her only real friend here and it would be something to remember her by when she left. She said her mom was supposed to be getting that transfer for her job soon, maybe by the end of winter, so it was a matter of time before Allie was going to be moving back with her.

So yeah, I ended up keeping the gifts and Allie only stayed long enough to have some leftover Christmas brunch (at my mom's insistence). Rachel hid out with Kurt in his room the rest of the time Allie was there, and when Allie left I walked her out and she hugged me goodbye.

Unfortunately Rachel saw the hug and it kinda stirred up another fight afterwards.

"Finn, you said you didn't invite her!"

"But I swear I didn't Rach, I'm telling you she just showed up!"

"Well why on earth would you accept those gifts from her? Can't you see what she's doing? She's trying to win you over with expensive trinkets!"

"Rachel, she can try whatever – not that I think that's what she's up to – but it wouldn't matter either way; I don't wanna BE with Allie like that. Haven't we been over this enough yet?"

"I know Finn, I know you don't like her that way.. It's just.. It's all the more reason you shouldn't have accepted those gifts. It's like giving her an opening, letting her believe that she could still have a chance with you."

DAMMIT I know Rachel has a point, sort of, but I also feel like this is still some of the old insecure crazy Rachel talking who doesn't trust me. But I seriously DO NOT want to fight over this! Not today, not on our first Christmukkah together. We were having such a great time, and once again, something related to Allie seems to be spoiling it.

"Rachel, please, I don't want us to fight about this. It's Christmas day, I just wanted to have a nice time together with you. Can we… can we just pretend like she never showed up? Please? You're the only girl I want to spend this holiday with and I… I don't want this day ruined for us too."

"So my feelings will be ruining your Christmas, is that what you're saying?"

"NO… well, not really, I mean.." I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close. "Rach. Just, you don't have to worry about Allie. I mean.. I wish you wouldn't. Do you still not understand yet? That you're all that matters to me?"

She was quiet for a long time, playing with the collar on my shirt and looking sorta sad and a little pissed. But then she looked at me with narrowed eyes and said "Fine. I'll try to forget about her ever being here. I know your mom was the only reason she stayed for brunch.. But I really didn't like seeing you hug her goodbye."

"I'm sorry Rach. It was just a friendly goodbye hug, it didn't mean anything to me. And she initiated it, I wasn't planning to hug her or anything." I tightened my hold on her and added "Besides, this right here? This is the only non-friend-zone-only type hugs I like to give out.. But you gotta be in a certain special club to get these hugs."

She giggled and I could feel her arms snake around my waist and hug me back just as tightly. Then she batted her pretty eyes at me and said "Really? Well, does that mean that I'm in the club?"

"Hmm.. I dunno. It's pretty exclusive. And the membership fee is pretty steep too…"

Now she's belly laughing. "Is that a fact? Well in that case, I might be interested in joining, so what's the cost of membership Mr. Hudson?"

"Well… see, this little hug here is really nice, but it's kinda like the sampler introductory rate… but if you want lifetime membership, it's gonna cost ya."

"Okay… maybe I'm interested in that lifetime deal... but that depends. How much?"

She squinted at me and wrinkled her nose, as if she's haggling with me now? We'll just see about that! I leaned down and pressed little kisses all along the side of her neck and then bit down on just that RIGHT spot that drives her insane and made sure I left my mark there, then whispered in her ear "You already know the price of admission, babe. You're already paid up in full…. 'Cause when I said exclusive, I meant there's only room for one."

And BAM! Just like that, hot makeout session was back in full swing, with her super sweet giggles in between. Christmukkah has been saved!

After about fifteen minutes, she said " Okay. Keep the stupid presents from her I guess, just don't make it a habit of hugging her, alright?"

"Promise, I won't… Thanks Rach."

"For what?"

"For trying to be cool about this. I get it, you don't trust her, and I think I'm starting to see why not… but she won't be here for much longer and pretty soon it won't matter anyway, right?"

"I suppose you're right. Sorry if I'm overreacting again."

I cradled her face in my hands and leaned down and kissed her nose. "Hey pretty girl. I love you. Merry First Christmukkah Rachel."

There's my girl's big beautiful smile. "Merry First Chrismukkah, Finn. I love you."

. . . . .

GETTING THE GLEE BACK…I HOPE?

I went to Glee today. Mr. Schue is making us do a dance booty camp to learn a bunch of basic steps and nail them to perfection. McDouche has been in there a lot helping with choreography 'cause we're getting close to regionals, and even though things are close to fixed with me and Rachel, it still doesn't mean I want to see that Jackass.

But as co-captain, I need to start pushing all of that anger aside and getting ready for the competition. The club needs BOTH me and Rach to be on top of our game if we're gonna win. And let's face it, my dancing can use all the help it can get. So I go and watch some of the rehearsals, but then I meet with Mike or Rach later to work on MY own personal booty camp.

We need to be concentrating on finding a competitive edge, something that gives us a leg up and will make the judges take notice. The theme for regionals this year is anthems. There was a lot of song ideas being thrown around for song selections but none that really struck a chord with the whole group.

True to what she said at Christmas, we've been hanging out at least once during the week and sometimes going out on a weekend night. Usually it's homework or dinner at her house or mine, and maybe a movie or dance practice. No more hot makeout sessions since Christmas, but that's okay, I'm just glad we're spending time together again. She's been talking a lot about wanting to write original songs and said she was gonna bring the idea to the club.

So after all the back and forth debates, finally Rachel stood up and made a great speech about us writing our own original songs to stand out with the judges, but Mr. Schue and the whole club pretty much shot her idea down thinking it's too risky. They were worried it could suck… um, HELLO? Have you met Rachel Berry? She doesn't suck at anything she does! (Um… we're gonna keep that statement as the totally G-rated non-sex related meaning as intended and leave it at that!)

Anyway. After another round of song choices, the club seemed to be set on 'Sing' by My Chemical Romance, but Rach didn't back down. She fought hard to make her case, even though really nobody was listening to her (which sorta pissed me off). Still, it was great seeing that fire in her again.

Watching her plead her case today, I'm just realizing, she hasn't been this passionate about glee in a while now, not since… well, yeah, the pause. But I thought Rachel's original song idea was terrific, though I didn't say so in front of everyone, mostly because I really just don't have the energy to fight all of them right now. Plus, it'd probably be easier to convince them all if there was already an awesome original song written and ready to show them and change their minds. So I caught up to Rach in the hall and that's what I told her after glee was over.

"You were right in there today about that number not being good enough to win. We need to write our own songs."

She looked at me with her big brown disappointed eyes when she said, "Why didn't you say that when I needed you?"

"It wouldn't have made a difference. The only way to prove it to those guys is to write a great song and shove it down their throats." She has to realize that's the truth, and I think she does.

"Well, do you think that you and I should do it together?" I mean, yeah, of course I would love to spend that time with her, but face facts - Rachel is MUCH better with words than me anyway.

I looked at her and told her honestly, "No I think you should do it yourself. Let's face it, if someone was gonna write a song good enough to win regionals, it would be you."

"You really believe in me that much?"

"More. You know, I really like the Rachel that I saw in there today. Reminded me of the old you – focused and take no prisoners. I think she might be making a comeback."

And I meant that too. Maybe once me and Rachel started dating, she kinda put some of that fire and determination she had for the club on the back burner a little bit? Sure, she still wants the solos and the spotlight, but she quit putting herself out there as much, like she used to like last year.

It kinda feels like I was the reason for that - which makes me feel really crappy. I don't wanna be the reason she holds herself back at all. She normally has a whole folder full of song ideas and suggestions on how we can win. I know I've missed a lot of glee practices lately, but I have noticed she hasn't been carrying around that pink sparkle folder of sheet music and the notebook with all the giant gold star stickers that has her research notes in it. So it was good to see her focus coming back. I just know she's gonna write a great song.

. . . . .

ZOMBIES VS. DEMONS.

One week later, right when things seemed to be going pretty good for me and Rach and getting SO close to being past this stupid pause crap, HE HAPPENED - AGAIN! What the actual hell? Why are there always these dark forces trying to test us and tear us apart?

I get it, me and Rach have been in this like, purgatory for a few months, but now I think I know exactly what Dante feels like in that video game Allie got me, where he has to battle through the Nine Circles of Hell…I mean that smug rat face just won't quit and I can't seem to kill him or send him back where he came from! I thought before that he was like a zombie, but maybe he's really a demon. I'm not a Templar knight but dammit, I gotta be getting close to beating this game by now, RIGHT?

Whatever. Anyway, St JACKASS. Seems while Allie was busy surprising me with a gift on Christmas day, he'd also brought Rachel a gift to her house that same day. Since she wasn't home for the holiday – because she was with ME – I guess he held onto it to give to her personally.

So during the first glee rehearsals after New Year's, he asked her to wait after practice in the auditorium under the guise of discussing choreography stuff, but then he gave the gift to her. Silver star earrings with diamond chips in the centers. Like, seriously?! He bought her freakin' DIAMONDS!?

Well, turns out she wasn't falling for it. She refused the gift, told him she couldn't accept anything so personal from another guy because she was working things out with me and it wouldn't be right (THAT'S MY GIRL!).

But it's pretty clear to me this guy really still does NOT know his boundaries at all! It'd be different if Rach was like chasing after him or initiating contact (and god I hope that NEVER happens again!) but she didn't. And THAT is the ONLY circumstance where he should be trying to go after her at all… UGH. I want to vomit now thinking about that idea…

Anyway. I couldn't figure out what the hell gave him the super-sized DOUCHE BALLS to go after her again (especially after I'd had that little chat with him before about respecting his boundaries), so I talked to Kurt and had him check around, see if he could find any explanation.

You remember before when I mentioned about this crazy rumor mill around here? Yeah, well that seems to extend to the ears of beady-eyed rat faces too, apparently.

Even though he wasn't at the Sadie Hawkins dance, I guess McDouchey heard about my song to Rach, and then found out Rachel wanted to continue our pause – so I guess in his mind, she was rejecting me and I guess thought it meant we broke up or something? Then he'd run into her and her dad at the mall the day they were out shopping for her birthday and tried to invite her out for dinner, but she said no - thank Cheesus!

She of course didn't tell me any of this until after she refused the earrings. She said she'd honestly forgotten about it, and she was still giving me the Silent Freezer Queen routine at the time so it slipped her mind until the earrings. And yeah, of course I was pissed - like she knew I would be.

Naturally, I wanted to go make mincemeat of his stupid smug face, but she wouldn't let me. I got sorta pissed at her for not telling me about running into him when she was out shopping, or about him inviting her to dinner. She said we were paused and she wasn't speaking to me then, so it shouldn't have mattered, plus she'd turned him down anyway so it was a 'moot' point. I pointed out that she had several opportunities to tell me about it since then, like y'know the 3 days at my house over Christmas? But she promised she didn't withhold info on purpose. Then she got mad at my being mad… and then we didn't speak again for a while. UGH!

Rachel doesn't like violence OR me being jealous, I know that. But I don't think this feeling is jealousy… at least not anymore. I've already told him to keep clear of Rachel, which he totally doesn't seem to understand or be willing to follow. Rach thinks I'm being unreasonable about his presence here and wants me to attend ALL glee rehearsals from now on because we're so close to regionals.

But I just don't think she sees him the way I do. He's a SNAKE. He's up to no good and can never be trusted as far as I'm concerned! He will always be the lying SPY who played with her feelings, who used and hurt my Rach on purpose, and I will NEVER forgive him for that shit he pulled on her (and on the whole Glee club) during sophomore year.

. . . . .

SOMEBODY CALL AN EXTERMINATOR… PLEASE!

It's like Burt said to me once before, sometimes you have to go big, and I know Rachel's right, original songs is about as big as we can go. She's been working on writing for several days now and as her co-captain, I agreed to listen to whatever she came up with to give her my opinions.

Rach said she got Brad to stay a little late to play piano for her and asked me to meet her after school in the choir room – except, I remembered wrong and thought she said the AUDITORIUM so that's where I went… but instead of seeing Rachel there, I found the rat face – McDouche in the flesh. ACK! I know he saw me come in and for a split second I was gonna turn around and walk away, but suddenly my feet were pulling me up to the stage where he sat tapping on the piano keys. He finally stopped when I made my way onto the stage and turned that evil smirk towards me. I just wanna wipe the floor with his face… UGH!

"Ah, well Hudson, you've finally decided to face me? I noticed your absence in glee these past months and thought maybe you'd given up your quest for mediocrity, conceded that I was the far superior talent, and simply couldn't handle the reality that you can never measure up to my expectations for your little glee club. Or, have you come here now to try and throw another punch at me?"

Smug bastard, he's playing with fire and doesn't even seem to know it yet... He has no idea how badly I WANT to do that last part. "No. Surprisingly, I'm not here for that. But I'd like to know why it is that you can't seem to stay out of Rachel's life?"

"Whatever do you mean?" He's looking at me with that friggin smirk like I have two heads or something.

"Why did you come back to McKinley?"

"Well, Finn, I realize you're not renowned for your stellar intellect, but certainly even you remember Mr. Schuester explaining hiring me as an advisor to the glee club to gain advan–"

"-NO. I know all that, but that's not what I'm asking. I'm asking you, why specifically did you come to McKINLEY? Whatever reason you had for leaving college and coming back to Ohio, if you really wanted to be involved as a show choir advisor, why wouldn't you just be doing it in your own stomping grounds back at Carmel? Why come here and help a competing choir beat your own alma mater? The only thing I can think of is that you came to get Rachel back. So I'm asking again, why can't you stay out of her life?"

"Hmm.. I suppose you've heard about my belated Christmas gift offering by now, is that it?"

"Yeah, I did. Straight from Rachel herself when she told me about the earrings, and also the mall, and the dinner invitation. We don't keep secrets from each other. But you're still not answering my original question. Why are you here at McKinley?" I stood there with my arms folded across my chest - figured better that than wanting to clench fists that I'd probably throw at his face sooner than later. He stared at me for the longest time without a word as I watched the smirk fall, and I saw a lot of different expressions cross over his rat face, but mostly I think it was surprise.

"I'm impressed Hudson. Who would've guessed you'd have the depth of thought to entertain such an idea as that. Okay, it's true; I could have taken up residency at Carmel. It only makes sense, doesn't it? I mean, who better than the man who successfully led Vocal Adrenaline to a four-year winning streak to become their competition advisor? But there was no real challenge there… no, the real challenge I was eager to conquer was here. You know, I've never had a girl turn me down like that before? It's surprisingly annoying. And also, despite what you may think, I actually do still feel regretful over the choices I made last year."

"So you finally admit it – you came back here for Rachel and not for any other reason."

"Well, Rachel certainly would be the crowning jewel to my victorious return here... But also, I honestly do want to help New Directions finally FIND a direction – one that actually may lead to a win at Nationals. And yes, that too would only be for her benefit. She deserves to be on a winning team for a change. She's far too unique a talent to be with a group of clueless losers who certainly don't appreciate or celebrate her gifts the way I do."

Ok so much for the not clenching fists… "THAT'S ENOUGH! Listen St. James, I know you seem to think you're like, god's gift to Broadway or whatever, but I see right through you. You are a TAKER, not a giver. You want someone to make YOU look good, to brag about how YOU helped her or you discovered her. Whatever it is you think you'd be doing for HER benefit would actually only be serving your own selfish need to look good. You just wanna ride her coattails to Broadway fame and take all the credit for her success. Well, over my dead body are you EVER gonna use her for anything ever again… and you don't need to tell me ANYTHING about how special Rachel is; I already know that first hand. You think you know her so well, but you don't know her like I do – and you never will. She WILL be a star someday – I'm positive about that – and you'll have nothing to do with it either. And truthfully, what you're missing is the fact that she already IS a star in her own rights, and she doesn't need you or anyone else telling her how to be better or how to make it big. She sure doesn't need YOU to mess with her head or her heart like that anymore. You being here is NOT what she wants or needs."

"And I suppose you think YOU are?"

"I think what Rachel tells me – that she wants and needs me, and that she isn't happy that you've come back here at all."

"Right. Yet it was ME she ran to whenever she found YOU kissing your old girlfriend recently, Quinn wasn't it?"

Don't get expelled, don't get arrested… "Maybe so, but she knows she made a mistake that day. Not that it's any of your business, but I didn't initiate anything with Quinn, that was all Quinn being a psycho and Rachel misunderstanding what she saw. Maybe if YOU hadn't been around to interfere, we could have cleared all this crap up a long time ago… but instead, I spent months trying to forgive her for something YOU seem to have pulled her into. As always, messing with her head. Hear me loud and clear- YOU ARE NOT THE GUY. You will never BE the guy. She doesn't love you. She doesn't want you. And I KNOW she's already told you this. So what will it take for you to just get the fuck away from her once and for all?"

"I have no idea what she possibly sees in you, Hudson. You come on like some neanderthal, beating your chest and preening like the king of the jungle. And I honestly should re-evaluate my opinion of Ms Berry if THIS is what she's seeking in a partner. You can't possibly mentor her, or foster her career the way I can… but out of respect for her, I'll concede that she does seem to have made herself pretty clear – she has apparently chosen you… for now at least."

If only I could beat him to a bloody pulp and not get in major trouble for doing it. "You can insult me all you want, no sweat off my back… But yeah, she's made her choice AND she's told you so herself. Right now I'm just reminding you of what I said the last time we talked, final warning – STAY AWAY FROM RACHEL."

Okay time for me to leave this room before I DO get arrested or something, because if I have to hear him run his mouth one more time he won't have a mouth left after I punch it off his smug little rat face.

. . . . .

THE CHOIR ROOM (THE RIGHT ROOM!)

I finally made it to the choir room, and managed to get my pulse back to a normal rate by the time I got there. "Hey. How's the songwriting going?" She's wearing that cute white dress with the little dogs all over it and my heart clenches a little because it's the one she wore to my mom's last birthday lunch. Rach baked a special cake for mom that day and mom cried. (And the cake tasted SO AWESOME! I'm such a lucky guy to have such a talented beautiful girl who also bakes!)

"Hey. It's going amazing. I might have a really big hit, which is why I wanted you to come by. I wanted you to hear it."

"Oh. Yeah. Cool."

"Come here," she said as she stepped toward me and then wrapped her arms around me. It just feels so good to have her in my arms again.

"What was that for?" Besides making me think about pinning her against the piano and having my way with her…

"We've been dating for months, Finn, and best friends for much longer. I know we've had much conflict between us for a long while now, but I think we can still give each other an occasional hug, just because."

I just grinned my sideways smile she likes so much. "Yeah. Totally."

"Okay, all our personal issues aside, I think it's important that we just stay focused on our mission for now, which is just to write an amazing song to win regionals with."

"Well I'm on board. Let's hear it!"

"It's just… It's a little bit rough. But, uh, I think it's really special."

And then she was singing some crazy song about brushes and hair care stuff and.. headbands? Like, what? Oh man, it was awful. "Hold- Hold on. Hold on. Is this song about your headband?"

"Yes. It's called 'My Headband'. They say you should write about what you know." She had this like, really sweet innocent look on her face and hopeful sound in her voice waiting for my reaction. I just hated to tell her that as meaningful as it might be to HER, it just didn't feel like something the rest of the club (or like, any normal human on earth?) could connect with... And, well we said NO LIES ever… so….

"Well, uh, it's really... interesting...but it's not emotional or.., like.., good." She's wringing her hands and shifting around all nervous-like, but she finally agreed with me.

"It sucks," she sounded so defeated. It made me feel bad.

Before I could say anything Brad the piano guy chimed in! "Yeah kid, it REALLY sucks. Let me know when you find something more worthwhile to try again - and it better not be a song about nail polish or pantyhose." I watched Brad hurry out of the room and looked back at Rach whose mouth was just hanging open in stunned silence.

I stifled a chuckle and cleared my throat. "Yeah… um. It does." Sorry Rach, but it sooo does suck. I mean I would NOT be happy about going on stage at regionals in front of all those people to sing a goofy song about headbands; and you know if I wouldn't do it, guaranteed there sure isn't a snowball's chance at getting the rest of the club on board!

"How am I supposed to write a song like Joni Mitchell or Carole King? They've lived."

"Well, maybe if you want to be an artist like them you should do a little living."

"You're so right! I mean, even now, it-it- it's Alcohol Awareness Week and we're supposed to sing songs about the dangers of drinking, and I've never even had a drink."

"Really? Like never? Not even a sip of wine or champagne for a holiday or at a wedding or something?"

She rolled her eyes a little. "Finn, have you met my dads? They would never allow it. Also, they've always warned me about the evils of drinking and teen pregnancy, and fetal alcohol syndrome and… Oh gosh, why am I still worried about all those ridiculous warnings? I'm nearly an adult now! I'm certainly mature and capable of making adult decisions. And all my life I've always followed ALL the rules, I should be allowed – even expected to break at least ONE now and then, right? Still, I'm certainly not going to become a teen mom under any circumstance –" her eyes suddenly went wide and she looked sorta panicked. "OH, I'm so sorry Finn! I didn't mean to bring up bad memories."

Uhh.. right. Well I'm thankful she doesn't wanna be a teen mom anymore than I wanted to be a teen dad… although, PRACTICING for becoming a mom and dad would be totally FINE in my book, y'know, if she wanted a 'study buddy' I'd be all in! :D

"Don't sweat it Rach, it's okay.. And yeah, you know I ALSO don't wanna be a teen dad. But well.. I guess if you wanna rebel a little, I could always take you to a party – but you've never wanted to go to them before."

"No, I haven't. But.. while it's true that the idea of watching all your neanderthal football teammates playing beer pong at a kegger while groping a bunch of cheerleaders never sounded like very much fun to me… I could always just throw my OWN party instead!"

"Yeah, seriously? Your dads wouldn't like, totally freak out?"

"Well Finn, as you know, they do trust me implicitly thanks to my impeccable school records and my eternal, utmost respect for following their rules. However, it just so happens they're going to be out of town for the next four days… so maybe it's time for me to do a little bit of that living you mentioned. And maybe what they don't know won't hurt anyone, right?"

My Rach wants to be a rebel and rule breaker? That's so… HOTTT. She had this crazy wicked look in her eyes and the sexiest little smirk and I'm really thinking about how good she'd look pinned underneath me on top of that piano again…

"Umm.. I mean, that depends… what kind of party are you thinking?"

"Well, just for all of us in Glee, of course… You know, it's funny timing but just before you got here, Noah was trying to talk me into having a party.., but of course I didn't think it was a good idea at the time. Now that you and I have had this little chat though, I see the error in my thought processes." she clapped her hands and rubbed them together all excited at her own idea looking so damn cute, then shined her brightest smile at me. "Prepare yourself for an evening of FUN Finn! Rachel Berry is having a Basement Party Extravaganza!"

Okay I had to seriously laugh out loud at her excitement. She couldn't be more adorable right now and she's so proud of herself at this idea… I really hope the glee gang shows up (and I might just ask Kurt to help convince everyone to come – just in case)… but, um, Puck? What the hell? Why's HE suddenly trying to get her to have a party? UGGGGH!

Well, I can probably guess he wants her to do this just because, NO DADS, and he's always looking for a new partyin' spot. But if he's involved in the planning at all, I'm afraid Rach is basically gonna end up at one of those football type parties she's always avoided in the past.

Oh my… I have a bad feeling this is gonna go one of two ways: really bad, or a whole lot worse.

. . . . .

O.M.G. – RACHEL THROWS A PARTY.

Rachel. Is. DRUNK. Rachel Berry. My Rachel.. I can't believe she's totally plastered. What the hell? Ok I know I told her to live a little, but I sure didn't see this coming…

So, Rachel thought it'd be cool to have like, a 'normal teenage experience' while maybe even scoring a few coolness points with the club by hosting this party. And yeah, me and Rach are like so close to becoming Invincible Finchel again, but we're still technically 'paused' and it's HER party, so I didn't wanna overstep and like, tell her what to do or not let her get like fall-down drunk. [Also, I secretly kinda wanted to see what a drunk version of Rachel looked like :) ]

Out of respect for her wishes, I decided I'd let her do her thing but I'd just keep an eye on her, because I also still don't totally trust Puck – certainly not drunk Puck at a party. And Rach? She's a lightweight. I think - well no, I KNOW Puck's the reason she's so drunk, refilling her cup with his special pink potion all night.

I might totally see this as a good night under normal circumstances with Rach so loosened up, but the terms of the PAUSE makes it hard for me to see this as anything but the impending disaster I'm pretty sure it's about to be…

Especially because Allie is here at the party. Yeah, see I guess Rachel invited the entire club (well, minus Quinn – THANKFULLY), which included Allie, and {{sigh}} I HOPE this doesn't end the way I think it's going to. I hope Rach is trying to be nice and include Allie as a teammate at least… but I'm not real confident that's how it's gonna play out. I mean, my sober Rachel might finally be coming around and letting go of her crazy jealousy.. but DRUNK Rachel? I'm not really sure… I'm just getting to know THAT Rachel.

And yeah I decided to be the designated driver (again) which means I'm pretty bored outta my skull and just people-watching while nursing like ONE beer for like three hours. Kurt and Blaine are hanging out in one corner and Puck is pouring some unknown (but most probably deadly) concoction in everyone's red Solo cups. Santana and Brit are doing stripper dances (and Brit's been giving Artie a lap dance which is.. weird?). Mercedes, Tina, and Mike are talking really loud and laughing on the sofa. I'm super glad the whole club showed.

Then I see Puck hitting on Allie while reloading her cup… um. Allie gives me a glance and I can't tell if she's in need of rescue or not, so I decide to head over to them, just in case. Right as I got to them, I almost got to say something but then I was shocked when Allie spun around to me and threw her arms around my neck, spilling some of her Puck's special pink brew down the back of my shirt. Crapcrapcrap… Rachel better be upstairs…

Now Allie is also wasted. What's worse, she's like, hanging on me and telling me how awesome I am and how SEXY I am, and saying stuff like how she wishes she didn't need to move away and leave me behind because I'm such a good friend and maybe she can come back to visit or I can visit her…

Okay. Uh, as a teenage guy, I can't lie, it's SWEET to hear a chick braggin' on me like that… but the chick in question is NOT Rachel. And the more I think about everything Rachel and everyone else has been saying since Thanksgiving about Allie liking me, and the fact that Allie's defenses are down now that she's all wasted…. UGH! I guess maybe Rach was right about Allie's intentions after all?

So I sat her down on the edge of the little stage (YES, Rachel's dads actually built her a REAL STAGE to practice singing on!) and had to point out to her the different kinds of drunks there are at parties - y'know, the archetypes (I'm so gonna NAIL that PSAT vocabulary section). Anyway. I told Allie she was coming off as the needy-girl drunk right now, which I think made her mad because she suddenly jumped up and ran back over to Puck.

The next thing I know, Allie's yelling out "SPIN THE BOTTLE! WHO WANTS TO PLAY SPIN THE BOTTLE?!" Just then I felt Rachel leaning her head against my arm. I don't know where she came from, so I don't know if she saw Allie hanging all over me a minute ago or not – but she isn't like freaking out on me yet, so I think that means she didn't see?

Anyway, Rach looks up at me and says "Well I guess we're playing spin the bottle… and YOU Mr. Hudson are absolutely playing because it's my party and those are the rules! Everyone participates, NO arguments!" I rolled my eyes but grinned at her, because hearing her be IN FAVOR of randomly kissing other drunk people while she herself is so trashed, well, it's actually kinda super hot? But wait.. That means SHE gets to kiss other random drunk people… ACKKK I'm gonna need to find a way to get a grip if/when it happens. I've played this stupid game plenty of times before, I know it's meaningless (usually). So okay fine, I'll play, whatever.. Just as long as I'm not kissing a dude, that's all I'm saying… no offense Kurt but I just can't. [But um, I really hope I can make that bottle land on Rachel! ;) ]

Since it's Rachel's party, Puck told her to go first and she got Blaine. And uhhh… wait what the hell? He's supposed to be gay and stuff, but I swear he was trying to suck out her tonsils - SO NOT COOL, DUDE! - which I guess I'm glad Kurt was there to put a stop to it, before I punched his little friend in the Warblers!

Then Blaine spun and got Allie (wow, um.., pretty sure he's getting more action than Puck tonight from the looks of things.. And Kurt looks a little scary unhappy about it right now, too) and he gave her about the same sorta tonsillectomy kiss as he was trying to give Rachel, though it didn't seem to last quite as long. Uhh.. are we all sure he's REALLY gay?

Whatever. Not important, couldn't think about that because then it was Allie's turn to spin, and she landed on… oh c'mon you can shout it out if you know the answer! YEP no joke. It landed on ME. Umm.. Of course it did. I knew I shouldn't play this stupid game, especially while sober!

Rachel glared at the bottle then looked from me to Allie to me again. She folded her mint green arms in front of her chest (oh god.. I don't know where that dress she's wearing came from but I think she needs to send it back there, like, immediately – and I usually love all her clothes, but that looks like something outta the 1970's.) and sorta drunkenly laughed, then slurred "Well Finny Fine Finnster, what the hell are you waiting for? Just KISS HER already!"

{{GULP}} But she has this super scary evil looking smirk on her face and I can't tell if she's being sarcastic or if she's just so wasted that she's like in the moment and playing the game… I've never met drunk Rachel til today (and I think she freaks me out a little bit). This is gonna end badly. Guaranteed. I just know how this'll play out with Rach later on, and I'm like about 93% positive it's another one of those sneaky chick trap things where she says one thing but really means another...

I tried to give Rach my like, best sub.. subliminal pleading puppy dog eyes hoping she'd magically hear me say how I REALLY don't wanna do this and maybe she'd back me up and give me an out from going through with it, but she just kept glaring and sorta nodded her head toward Allie, encouraging me to do it. (Sidenote: so is it maybe ONLY a special chick trick, that puppy dog eyes thing? Like, why doesn't it ever seem to work the same for me to get my way like it does for her?)

Shit. Okay, well.. I've been insisting we're just friends all this time, and Rachel is insisting that this plays out.. And well, it IS just a game right? So I looked at Allie who was all flushed but smiling and looking a little too eager and I sorta shrugged. I figured I'd give her a quick friendly peck and hope she'd forget about all of this by tomorrow… but I guess I totally underestimated Allie's reaction to this whole thing, especially since right now she's under Puck's pink vodka voodoo spell.

So I leaned forward and just gave her that super quick kiss, but when I tried to back away, her hands suddenly like, gripped my shoulders and held me in place, then her arms were wrapped around my neck and her hands were in my hair and she just sorta WENT FOR IT, shoved her tongue in my mouth and… HOLY SHIT! I'm officially a dead man.

Look I don't know why – except for the fact that I'm still a teenage GUY and my stupid dude brain just hijacked my body and reacted to like, y'know, TONGUE – but I got goosebumps and I think I maybe even saw fireworks (Or maybe that was my life flashing before my eyes because Rach is going to KILL ME?). I mean, I practically had to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch her and I'm freaking out now because I SOO didn't mean for this to happen. I mean dammit Allie is just my FRIEND and I sure wasn't thinking about her that way, not even in the moment.

I was actually thinking how Rachel must have been testing me the whole time and maybe I just failed?

This is just allll kinds of bad… I should have ignored Rach. Well, that is I should've ignored her THIS time and LISTENED to her before when she kept saying Allie has feelings for me. Because yeah, Allie's drunk and all, but I've played spin the bottle plenty of times and NO spin the bottle drunk kiss is s'posed to be like that!

I'm not even sure how long it actually lasted (TOO LONG though), but I was snapped out of it immediately by hearing a crash. I finally managed to break away from Allie and looked up to see that Rachel had knocked over a small table on her way to run upstairs. Aw hell, I KNEW this wasn't gonna be good… stupid tricky chick tests! UGH!

Of course I followed after Rachel. She wasn't on the main level in the house, so I figured she went up to her room. I got up there and her door was closed but I could tell the light was on. I knocked but she didn't answer. I tried turning the knob and fortunately it was open, but no Rachel.. However her bathroom door was also closed and I could hear sounds in there. I went over and leaned my forehead against the door.

"Rach? Are you ok in there?"

"Go away Finn!"

I could hear her crying, coughing, and gagging... Yeah she was totally throwing up. "I'm not leaving you if you're sick Rachel. I'm coming in, okay?" I open the door to find her heaving over the toilet.

"Rach, babe lemme help you." I held her hair up and ran my hand over her back while she ralphed over and over. When it seemed like she was done, I grabbed a paper cup from the little dispenser on the vanity, filled it with water and handed it to her to rinse with. Then I grabbed a washcloth and ran it under cool water before handing it to her. I sat down behind her on the floor leaning my back against the tub. She collapsed back against my chest and started crying.

"Rach, hey hey.. What's wrong?"

"You.. you actually kissed her Finn! I can't believe you did that.. Right in front of me, inside my own house!"

"Rachel it was just a GAME! A game you insisted I play, might I remind you – not to mention, you told me to kiss her!"

"Yeah but.. I didn't think you'd actually do it, let alone KISS her kiss her! Certainly not like that! All tongue-y and sexy and hands-y. You liked it - don't try to deny it either because I KNOW what you look like when you're kissing and enjoying it!"

Fuckfuckfuck. "Whoa whoa whoa… okay first, I wasn't being tongue-y and hands-y, that was all her… and more importantly, it didn't mean anything, Rach! It was just a stupid game. Please don't make such a big deal of it, okay? I mean, I didn't exactly enjoy watching you suck face with Blaine either, but I'm not freaking out at you or trying to kill him," YET.

"W-well.. of course not! Because Blainey is soooo gaaaayyy… But herrr.. she's prettier than me with her biiiig blue eyes and her biiiig red hair and her biiiiiiig BOOBS. And yoooou like her cookies and her singing and she plays video games and basketball… yooooou like her better than me–" and she started sobbing. Hard.

I was sorta afraid to touch her in case she might slap me in the face again (dammit she hits hard!) but I wanted so badly to just hold her in my arms and make her understand she was making a big deal outta nothing. (Also for the record, Rach's boobs are just PERFECT… she really needs to quit all this body shaming crap.)

"Rach.. RACHEL. Please stop. None of that's true, but you're too drunk to listen to me and I don't wanna get into a fight about this now. Just, just… hey, how 'bout we go downstairs and get some food in your belly to soak up all this booze. Okay? You need to sober up a little."

But instead of trying to stand up, she squirmed around to face me and started kissing my neck. She was starting to reach her hand into the front of my jeans and ohhhh geez MR. CLARK HELP ME! I think it took super-human strength and thoughts of the entire US Postal Service but I just had to stop her. "RACHEL p-please, ba-babe-babe.. We c-can't do this now.. C'mon, let's go eat something."

"You don't love me anymore do you? You're gonna leave me for her I know it."

Ignore her she's drunk. Ignore her she's drunk.. ignore ignore ignore….

"Kiss me Finn. Please? If you still love me you'll kiss me."

Okay. If I'd spun the bottle and landed on Rach I woulda kissed her then, right? Is it so bad to just kiss her now, even though she said she wasn't ready to end the pause, even though she's totally kicked in the ass drunk, even if she just gave me an instant boner that I don't know what to do with at this moment? Anyway she's still my girl, right? Even if her drunk self doesn't seem to believe it completely right now.

I brushed aside any thoughts about the pause and our ongoing topic of trust issues or her doubting me right now (she's drunk and just watched Allie try to swallow my face in front of her – talk about a Quinn deja vu, right? – plus she's RACHEL.. what else should I expect her to say?) then I scooped her up into my lap and held her close. My hands tangled up in her hair and I looked deep in her weepy red rimmed eyes with the black smudges streaking down her pink cheeks. "I love you Rach… even though you're drunk off your gorgeous ass and prob'ly not gonna remember this tomorrow… I will always only love you."

Her arms tangled around my neck and I kissed her, soft, slow, and deep. My hair was about to light on fire from the burning heat running through me and she started wiggling in my lap, like grinding against me… oh hell… but no no no, this is wrong because she's drunk and we're still on HER pause and we shouldn't be kissing like this right now! This kiss is as hot (or HOTTER) as any of our sexy summer kisses and it really isn't right for us to be doing this now in her condition.

I pulled away and gently took her by the wrists because her hands were starting to wander in all the wrong (right) places again. "Okay Rach let's go get some food."

. . . . .

Neverminding about the party going on downstairs in her basement, Rach needed to sober up (and I can always eat) so I managed to whip us up some almond milk pancakes really fast. I'm actually getting pretty good at making these now (it's Rach's recipe) – and I didn't even burn them all this time!

Rach didn't seem to notice the burned ones though, she just sat quietly on the counter munching them down while I was finishing up making the last couple pancakes. It's so cute watching her sitting there swinging her legs around like a little kid, gobbling them down. She's usually so prim and proper, using both a knife and fork for just about everything (except soup), but drunk Rachel just picks up the whole pancake and takes a bite like it's a cookie.

I was just sitting down with my plate of pancakes when she complained hers was a little dry. I watched her hop down from the counter and go get a cereal bowl from the cabinet and place it on the table then she plopped down in the chair next to me. She filled the bowl halfway full with maple syrup and then dunked her half-eaten pancake in the bowl. After her next bite her face was all sticky with little crumbs on her chin, syrup dripping everywhere and I couldn't stop myself from chuckling.

With a big goofy smile on my face I scooted my chair close to her and said "Rach you got a little something on your chin," as I brushed my thumb over her bottom lip, yeah, that memory flashed behind my eyes and before I could remember the next part, she was already saying the words out loud.

"You can kiss me again, if you want to." Well what can I say? She's still a little drunk but also super hot with sugary maple goop dripping off her face and I just had to taste her again. For the record, maple-flavored Rachel tastes just as good as strawberry-flavored Rachel :-D

. . . . .

Half an hour later, Rach was passed out in my lap at the kitchen table. I carried her up to her room and tucked her into her bed, then I went back downstairs and ended up being like, the DAD at the party, ushering everyone out and assuring that they got home safe. I had to make two separate trips to get all the drunkest ones home, except for Kurt who stayed sober enough to take Blaine and Cedes, and Brit and Artie who stayed the night in Rachel's basement.

Rach called me at noon the next day asking what the hell happened the night before. She had a massive hangover and was crying because her whole house was kinda like a total wreck… she was freaking out, sure her dads were gonna ground her for the rest of her life or ship her off to military school or something.

I offered to come help clean up and nurse her hangover and ended up doing basically ALL the cleaning myself. She just sat on the couch with an icepack on her head watching me work while I filled her in on the Great Rachel Berry Basement Party Extravaganza event of the year. I asked her if she remembered playing spin the bottle, and she groaned. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing? I decided she was in no shape to hear the play by play right now and that I'd fill her in on all the details another day when she felt better.

By the time I got the last of the vomit and spilled drinks scrubbed out of the carpeting, she vowed to never get drunk again.

. . . . .

ORIGINAL SONGWRITING, TAKE 2 - READY SET TALK.

So a couple days after the 'My Headband' catastrophe, Rachel asked me to hear another song, one she seemed really proud of and was sure that it hit the emotional sweet spot – about her being an only child.. And her dads making omelets – or not making omelets? – which was like SUPER weird lyrics and um, really? Rachel? Do we need to sing anything about EGGS right now, or, ever?

"It's called 'Only Child'."

"Yeah, I got that. Uh… It's better than 'My Headband', that's for sure." UUUGH but not by much! I didn't miss the look on Piano Brad's face. He was shaking his head as he walked out the door in a huff. Well, umm.. It was at least closer to the emotions she needed to tap into? Sort of? But.. once again, not something like, normal people wanna hear us sing about or that the club would be able to connect with, right?

Tough love time again. "But it… It still feels like you're just playing scared. You're only dealing with the easy pain. You gotta get to the hard stuff; that's what's relatable to everybody."

Of course she got a little defensive. "I - I'm perfectly capable of accessing my pain – I cry every time I sing a solo–"

"Exactly! When you sing… I can feel it. I guess, you just got to go inside yourself to wherever the singing comes from, and write from there." I hope that made sense to her.. I think it did?

"Where the singing comes from?" she asked me in this tiny quiet voice. "I'm just not really sure I can DO that, Finn."

She usually has more faith in herself than this. Something's not right… This is a rare moment I think I'm witnessing here – Rachel Berry is not feeling one million percent confident in her abilities? What the hell is that about? Unless… maybe this is the REAL consequences after the party?

We still haven't talked about the kiss with me and Allie during spin the bottle OR me and Rach's hot makeout session afterwards. She never asked me anything more about what happened at the party – which made me a bit nervous. So either she was so drunk she forgot about all of it (I really don't think I can get that lucky) or maybe she remembers everything but she's hiding her real feelings and has been afraid to bring it up? Which also makes no sense for her of all people to NOT talk about her feelings with me… so.. Did I somehow manage to break her self-assured Rachel Barbra Berry go-getter-ness by her once again seeing me kiss another girl? Something is definitely not right…

"Why not Rach? You surely must be able to tap into those emotions somehow if you're gonna be a big Broadway star and become a famous actress, right? I'm pretty sure you can do this. In fact I KNOW you can. You're Rachel Barbra Berry, you can do anything, remember?"

She gave me a small smile and her cheeks turned the prettiest shade of pink. But then she looked sorta sad and started fidgeting again and sat down in the chair next to me.

I guess I'm gonna have to pry this outta her and be the one to mention it. "But Rach… something seems to be bothering you, and I'm pretty sure I know what it is. We haven't discussed what happened at your party and.. well I'm wondering if you're okay."

"Whatever do you mean, Finn?" It came out as practically a whisper.

Uh oh. RED FLAG. Why is she playing dumb? "You know what I mean.. Spin the bottle? Allie kissing me… and your storm out afterwards."

She sighed and stared off at nothing and wouldn't look me in the eye. Finally she said "What do you want me to say Finn. It was just a game, right? And you don't want me to be upset about it because you don't like her that way, right? You told me to live a little and that's precisely what I did. I'm not sure there's anything more to discuss about it."

Tread carefully… feels like another chick trap…

"So wait.. Does that mean you do remember everything that happened?"

"Yes.. well, I remember enough."

"Well.. good, I mean, 'cause I hoped you'd feel that way, that it was just a stupid game, but at the time you seemed pretty upset. Rachel, I wasn't kissing her back, y'know? Like, I just wanted to make it a quick friendly peck and be done with it. But she–"

"It's okay Finn. I was there, I know what happened. I don't need the instant replay described in any detail."

"So, you're just okay about this, and have NO WORRIES at all? Nothing you wanna talk about or ask me?"

There it is. I immediately see the look flash over her face and I KNOW she's holding back. Well I opened the door now, so…

"Okay, fine, YES I'm sort of FURIOUS about it, is that what you want to hear? I mean, okay TRUE it was a game, and of course she was quite inebriated and so naturally she was very uninhibited, therefore her true feelings were able to slip through – just like I knew would happen! But I guess I can't be upset with you since I told you to go through with the kiss, and so.. I guess I'm just, angry at myself right now and trying very hard not to take it out on you."

Well damn. I really didn't expect to hear all of that. Uh.. how do I respond and not have this blow up into a big thing? I took her hand and turned her chin to make her look at me. "Rach. It totally was just a stupid drunken game of spin the bottle and I promise that kiss didn't mean anything to me."

"So.. you're saying you didn't feel anything when she kissed you like that?"

"To be honest, I felt like all I really wanted to do was kiss you instead." I smiled a big dimpled smile hoping it would convince her. "In fact I was planning on trying to make the bottle land on YOU when it was my turn to spin."

Okay that was actually all TRUE, I did not LIE there.. I just, maybe omitted a few tiny irrelevant (and potentially relationship-ending) details… Then she threw her arms around me and cuddled into my chest and squeezed me so tight. Maybe we're gonna end this topic without a major blow out for a change?

"I'm sorry Finn. I promised myself I was going to do better and not make a big deal over that.. situation.. with Allie at the party. I did some self reflection since the holidays and I've come to realize that – if I may paraphrase the incredible songwriting genius of Mr. Randy Newman – she can't make you love her if you don't."

I musta had that look of confusion on my face because she tried to explain further.

"Even if Allie has feelings for you, you've made it quite clear that you are not interested in reciprocating them. I think part of the reason I've been so hurt over this situation with her is… I can far too easily relate to HER perspective. As a girl who's quite literally been in Allie's exact position before, I guess I tend to remember too well how I felt when you were still dating Quinn, and the things I thought I might be willing to do to win you over. My therapist might call that transference… so, I just wanted to try to be more aloof about it all, and not let it eat away at me or anger me. Mostly, I just didn't want to take it out on you because no, I don't think you did anything wrong. So I was just trying to be quiet about it for a change and deal with it myself… because I realize, it's MY insecurity but you didn't cause it or make it any worse."

Okay I think I understood almost at least half of what she said there. And maybe… maybe this means Rach is really trying to get over her crazy jealous Rachel ways and her problems in not trusting me? Maybe she's finally really trying to get it right with me the same way I've been trying to do with her?

"Wow Rach, that was really deep and stuff. I never thought about all of this junk with Allie like the way you just explained. And I guess now I really understand why my friendship with her hurt you so much and what your real fears were all about. I'm… well, I'm just glad you're not mad at me. So I guess, thank you for that, for finally believing in me. Y'know, this is the kinda deep stuff that helps people write great songs, doncha think?"

She nodded and smiled a sweet little smile and got quiet for a few beats, like she was far away in her head thinking about something. Then she finally said "Can I tell you something Finn?"

"Sure babe, you know you can tell me anything."

She took a deep breath and it feels like she's gonna unload something really big here. I'm a little nervous wondering what she's about to say.

"You said I should find the place where the music lives in order to write a good song. For me, that place.., it's the same place where all of my strongest beliefs and most important thoughts and dreams are kept. It's where I hide away my deepest secrets and most treasured memories – the ones I'll hold sacred, forever.. the things I don't usually share with anyone else."

Yeah, that kinda makes sense, I mean everyone has things they keep to themselves right? Although, I thought she shared just about everything with me… but maybe there's still some stuff she can't even tell me?

She's fidgeting around with the sheet music in her lap, and she's biting her bottom lip, which is sorta making my dude brain wanna take control again... Dammit she's so adorable when she does that, and all I can think about is kissing her senseless. But I forced myself to pay attention because it looked like she wanted to say something more but was really nervous about it or something.

Then she finally said "Finn, do you remember second grade… Valentine's Day?"

Huh? Well that's really outta left field isn't it? But considering she's been singing about headbands and eggs lately… Nothing that she says surprises me that much anymore. I don't pretend to always follow her thought processes, I just wonder where this one is leading me? "Uh… I mean yeah, parts of it, but, w-why would you be asking about my second grade Valentine's day?"

She smiled this weird sorta shy smile, one I don't think I've seen before, and looked down at her shoes - which were the cutest little silver ballerina slippers today. I have no clue why I'm even paying attention to her shoes, most guys would prob'ly hassle the hell outta me – well, except for Kurt.

But then she snapped me outta my weird thoughts about shoes and shocked the hell outta me with what she said next.

"Do you remember…. the cupcake?"

Whoa… Wait. I never told her that story, did I? No, I'm pretty sure I didn't.. So.. How does she… uh..it's not possible.. unless.. It couldn't have been. SERIOUSLY? I was locked on her eyes and the look on her face said it all. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks to fully understand exactly what she was saying.

"H-how… Rach? Was it.. it was YOU? You were the girl with cupcakes with little gold stars.. the same girl who kissed my hand."

Her smile grew just a little bigger and a single tear streamed down her flushed pink cheek in a perfect line. I caught it with my thumb before it could fall all the way down and drip off her face. She nodded softly. I can't even believe it… Rachel was my cupcake girl. And I didn't have a clue. How is that possible? I don't even know what to say.

I can feel something warm and twisty in my gut and I know the fishes are flippy-flopping in there again. The water is pooling in my eyes too, as the next realization washes over me… Rachel was my very FIRST kiss ever. I just grabbed her and pulled her tight against me, wrapped my arms around her and buried my face in her neck to inhale her sweet intoxicating Rachel smells.

"Rach.. I'm sorry I didn't realize it, I.. I didn't even remember you being in my school but I DID remember the cupcake and I definitely remembered the kiss… but why don't I remember that it was you?"

"Well, maybe because I wasn't there for the whole school year? I came in after the new year, so I hadn't been there very long. My daddies were trying to start their law firm back then. They were working very long hours and traveling a lot. So I stayed with my aunt for that part of the year, which put me in your grade school at Heritage. When I moved back home to my dads, I went back to Freedom Elementary for third grade. After that I was at the Lima North middle school and you were at Lima West.. so I didn't see you again until—"

"—Until freshman year." I cut her off, since I was making another realization… because it.. yeah, whoa. It has to be. It finally makes sense… "The Valentine's flower I got freshman year, from a secret admirer.. with the gold star…" I just looked into her eyes and the truth was there.

She smiled so soft and her cheeks went beet red and she whispered, "Guilty."

I don't know why I never pieced this together before, why I didn't remember her? Someone as amazing as Rachel Berry… she's unforgettable. "Rachel, I'm so sorry.. I didn't know. Why didn't you ever talk to me before we met in glee? It's not like we didn't have chances to–"

"Finn really? You have to ask?"

Nope. I really didn't, not at all… jocks vs. everyone else. And Rach? One of Puck's favorite slushy targets back then. Shit. I'm such a douche. I shoulda stepped up and done something about the bullying in this school a long time ago. I shoulda fought for the school to do something about the damn slushy attacks – hell, I coulda smashed that damn slushy machine myself.

But I didn't know her yet.. And because I didn't know her, that wasn't me back then. Nah.. back then I was Finn Hudson, Cowardly Douche.

"No… you're right. I.. I'm sorry Rach."

"Finn.. it- it's okay. I mean, we were - we are - from different worlds and, and I.. I know I'm difficult, that people don't like me. I'm very outspoken and overconfident. I can be selfish and I know I make an easy target, though it doesn't make it hurt less when it happens. And yes, that all plays to my insecurities."

Her voice was so small and frail and so OPPOSITE of her big determined personality and talent. It was crushing my soul. She's been lurking in the shadows of my life for this long and I had no idea until glee. How could I have been so blind? Maybe if I'd have paid better attention sooner, maybe she wouldn't have suffered so much ridicule or humiliation. When that thought hits me like a freight train I just wanna crawl in a hole.

I stood up and started pacing the room. "No Rach, no. It's not okay. I'm so sorry, I was so blind.. I was so dumb, thinking I could just skate by on popularity. I WAS that jerk who didn't know, who didn't care enough to stand up for anything… That's not the guy my mom raised me to be, but somehow it's who I let myself become back then… But because I met you and because of your friendship, I now know what a jerk I used to be. Thank you Rach. Thank you for showing me what's important, thank you for… believing in me."

She does. I KNOW she does… Somehow, past all the years of being bullied, despite the lifetime of knowing her mom didn't want her, somehow beyond all of that crap in her life, this girl still believed in ME enough to forgive my blindness and my stupidity… and she even forgave all the times I hurt her last year.

Only someone with a heart so big you can't measure it could be so forgiving and care about someone the way she cares about me. How could I have EVER doubted her feelings in the first place? I let all the crap that happened with her and McDouche nearly derail us and I wasted sooo much time worrying about her real feelings for me… but she never gave up on me and her feelings were true and real all along.

"Baby, I… I love you, so so much Rachel. Now I know for fact I totally don't deserve you." She jumped up from the chair and grabbed my hand.

"Finn, I love you more than anything.. Don't.. Please don't say that, don't ever say you don't deserve me. You're so special and you can do anything you put your mind to, I've always believed it. I've always known you're so much better than everyone else. You may have fallen victim to the cliche of teenage peer pressure – we're all human and we all make mistakes – but I knew you just needed someone to remind you that you ARE capable of more than that. I've always known since I saw it for myself… It's what made me first notice you in second grade… it's why I gave you the cupcake, and the kiss, in the first place."

Huh? What did she see? "What are you talking about Rach?"

"About a week after I started at your school, that's when you first caught my eye. We were at recess in the indoor playroom because it was winter. One of the older, much bigger kids, a fourth grader I think, was picking on a smaller boy." Oh wow.. I know this story, I'd completely forgotten… but she kept telling it. "He followed him around taunting him, calling him names and tried to lock him in the supply closet. You saw the older boy shove him. The younger boy fell and tore his pants and cut his knee pretty badly. He was crying, but the teacher didn't notice anything that was happening. But you noticed, and you ran over and shoved the older boy and he fell back down on his butt. You stood up for a boy you didn't even know against a bully, even though he was older - but you were taller, and you were braver. You told the bully he should pick on someone his own size, like you. But the bully backed down. Then you helped the smaller boy up and tried to help him clean the blood off his knee."

"Oh my god Rach… I'd forgotten all about that too… I almost got detention for that, until the kid - Timmy was his name - told his mom how I stepped in to defend him and she complained to the principal about the lack of teachers at recess and said if not for my help, her son could have been more seriously hurt. So instead of getting detention, I got a good citizenship award."

Rachel just smiled at me, the biggest, brightest pearly smile that I love so much. "Yes, I remember the class day assembly when they presented you with the award in front of the whole school. You deserved it too. I guess my point in telling you all of this.. Well, you see, when you tell me to write from the place where the music comes from, it's the same place where I keep these precious memories too. I've clung to them for so long… because you inspired me then. You still do now. When I sing, it's these memories and so many more that make me feel, well, everything. YOU are where the music comes from inside me, Finn. You've been there all along."

"Y-you.. Rach…" I can't explain the explosion in my chest, and there wasn't anything else to say. My hands cradled her face immediately and I crashed my lips on hers. I felt her arms wrap around my neck so tight.. She pressed herself flush against me and I could feel the electricity light up my whole body. I felt like live wires were sizzling my veins and this magnetic pull toward her in a way I can't describe.

Her tongue was sliding against mine and her silky hair was tangled through my fingers. I slid my hands down her spine to the small of her back and lifted her up a little and pulled her as close to me as I could. She pulled herself up and wrapped her legs around my waist and I held tight under her thighs to hold her up. I walked us up against the wall and just held her there, kissing her until we were both dizzy. Then I kissed her cheek and across her jawline down the side of her neck and the tears wouldn't stop falling from my eyes or hers. I just hugged her there, holding her against the wall with my face buried in the crook of her neck, feeling her hands raking through my hair and her hot breath on my neck coming out in warm little puffs.

I finally leaned back to see her face. All I saw was love. I stroked her cheek with one hand and told her "I'll never doubt you again, Rach. I swear I'll never doubt how you feel about me ever again."

She giggled and wiped away a few tears from my cheek. "And I'll never doubt you again either," she said as she kissed my tears away.

As little as she is, it's still awkward holding her against the wall like that for so long (and um, y'know, we were still at school, which could be super awkward if someone found us here like this) so I walked us over to a chair and sat down with her perched in my lap, still hugging her close. She was leaning her head against my shoulder while I rubbed her back.

"What made you tell me all of this now Rach?"

"Well.. I.. I just wanted you to know what you've always meant to me. I've carried you with me in my heart for all these years, and I guess, maybe that's why it cuts so deeply when you hurt me." She leaned back to look me in the eye. "And then you sang that song at Sadie Hawkins. I'm so sorry it took me so long to realize what you were really saying to me that night, Finn. I was still hurt and angry and not completely ready to really hear you yet, or maybe to believe the words. Plus, I had to decide if I was willing to accept that sometimes you'll hurt me, even if you don't mean to, but it doesn't mean you don't love me. And… I also think I'm over this thing between you and Allie. I've thought a lot about everything you've said, and I've seen how hard you've been working to get it right with me. So I'm okay now."

"So does that mean you really believe me now, Rach? You know that I always love you and just you? That I choose YOU over everyone else, every time?"

She was nodding with a whisper of a smile. "Yes. I might have known all along in some small way, but I didn't have enough confidence in myself. That is, I mean, I've always had confidence in my talent.. but I didn't think anyone other than my dads could ever love me so unconditionally. I think deep down, I was still afraid the bubble would burst or the spell would wear off and you'd realize I wasn't worth your time or effort. But then, you chose the most beautiful, perfect song to sing to me. Finn, I've listened to it so many times since then. I realized when you sang that song, you were reinforcing all the words you've ever said to me. And that line that says you are the life to my soul… that's what you are to me, Finn… you are also my everything. I love you so much."

I hugged her tighter and I could still feel the knot in my throat. "Rachel I'm so sorry for all that I put you through, from sophomore year, from this past year… I'm so sorry I didn't trust your feelings, and that I hurt you so much at Thanksgiving. Maybe I was still learning and growing up too, but I promise to try to do better. I can't promise to NEVER hurt you again, because I mean, let's face it, I've made that promise so many times before and yet somehow I manage to keep screwing up – but you at least keep letting me try to get it right, to win you back. And I promise I'll always try to win you back if and when I DO screw up again." She giggled at that. "But I know I never wanna be the reason you hurt, ever again."

She was stroking her fingers through my hair and her touch felt so good. "And I never wanna be the reason you hurt either, Finn. So.. I'm ready to end this pause and for us to officially be together again, if that's what you still want?"

I took a sharp breath in and said "Well that depends on one thing…" Her smiling face dropped a little and a slight look of concern and confusion clouded her beautiful eyes. "Will you be my Valentine?" She grabbed my face in her tiny hands and crashed her lips to mine then giggled out of the kiss squealing "YES! YES! YES of course I will!"

. . . . .

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A/N – YAAAYY! To quote 70's singing group Peaches & Herb, 'Reunited and it feels so good'…. Are you happy yet my Fanatical Finchel friends? And hey, if it were up to ME alone, they woulda been reunified long before this but SOME certain beta readers just weren't having that idea so…(I love you anyway darlin' – and YES I know you were probably right! LOL)

Sorry it's taken a little bit to get this chapter online; I promise it's not for a lack of trying.. I've seriously been hard at work on it for weeks. It might still be incomplete at this point if not for my posse of Girl Gleeks, SapplingOfaStar and BroadwayBelle aka Scarlett88 (yes, she changed her pseud JUST to confuse everyone! j/k LOL) – they REALLY helped push, pull and beat this chapter out of me… Hope it was worth the wait!

We're almost at the finish line of season 2. I'm sure you're anxious to get there – and I cannot stress this enough but SO AM I! The final chapter is actually partially done as we speak, I hope to have it up soon… but we'll see how that goes lol. I also have another chapter of NSB started, a VERY LONG AWAITED update on Some Origins of Fire has been percolating, and a couple new projects I've just started… so… patience my lil' Finchlings. Good stuff and FINCHEL FLUFF is on the way! Meantime, please feel free to PM my Girl Gleeks and see when THEY are gonna update their own stories (ahem cough cough LOVE LETTERS, Scarlett?)

I also wanna give a shout out to TheSojournReader, and I'm looking forward to our little side project… as soon as I wrap up Season 2 here I hope to dive into that as well!

And a final note… today the news broke about the passing of Matthew Perry aka Chandler Bing of FRIENDS tv show fame, reportedly from a heart attack. His life story hits way too close to home for us Cory lovers and it's heartbreaking to lose yet another talented actor in such a tragically untimely way. Myself and the Glee Girls are all fans of his and are sad to hear this news. Our thoughts are with his family, he will surely be missed.

* * * THANKS FOR READING! * * *

REVIEWS ARE LIKE RAINBOWS… THEY MAKE ME SMILE :)

FINCHEL FOREVER! XOXO