Though the Christmas Eve dinner had been extravagant, it was all a blur. As I sat listening to the bubbling chatter, all I could focus on were their minds. Though it was nothing new, this felt different. Forbidden. Invasive. Now that more people will begin to find out that I can read their minds, I feel more on edge than ever. I have never felt ashamed of my gift; Granny Q saw to that. But it was easier when no one knew.
Severus only attempted to slip into my mind once during dinner. "We can leave, if you'd prefer." When I didn't respond, he remained silent. On any other occasion, he would ensure one of us left before the other. Tonight, however, he waited until I was ready to leave. He stood when I stood, and he followed when I exited. It was comforting. He didn't push; he simply let me be alone while ensuring I was anything but.
I could feel his trepidation radiating off of him in indescribable waves. It made it almost unbearable to be in his presence, yet his presence was the only thing I needed right now. A familiar, paralysing paradox. It wasn't until we stepped into my room that I realised we had come through my door and not my fireplace. We always came to my room through his fireplace. It was less conspicuous that I entered his office than that he entered the Slytherin common rooms every other day.
I couldn't help but smile softly at his continuous, silent reassurance. I stood in front of my window, staring out at the deep, dark depths of the Black Lake. It wasn't until I felt his hand on my shoulder that I realised I had, once again, zoned out. "Hmm?" I sighed both at his touch and at being pulled from my trance. "I asked if you were alright." He grasped my other shoulder lightly and turned my body to face him.
It took everything I had not to look away from his piercing gaze. He was intense at the best of times, and now, in my moment of weakness, it was almost too much to bear. "Please stop asking me that, Severus." He brought his hands up to cup my cheeks, stroking them softly. "Why?" I couldn't help but lean into his touch. "Because I don't know the answer." I didn't feel the lone tear that escaped my eye until it was swept away by his lips pressing against my cheek.
In the few hours since Albus and Severus explained my role in the war, my mind had gone awry. So many thoughts plagued my mind that it was blinding. My mind was fractured into so many tiny pieces that I was sure it would never be whole again. And yet, at the same time, I felt strangely calm. Perhaps I had gone numb from the chaos swirling around me. However, this calmness seemed to stem from somewhere deep in the back of my mind, like a miniscule bell ringing in the far, long forgotten corner.
There were many things I was still wrapping my head around. I was afraid of my friends finding out that I am a Legilimens, yes. I am afraid of having to work alongside Voldemort, yes. I am afraid that The Order may not accept me, yes. I am afraid for Albus's pending demise, yes. I am afraid for what will happen to Severus in the war, yes.
Despite all of my fear, however, I couldn't help but feel like this is exactly what I was supposed to be doing. This was the reason I was born. This was the reason I was blessed with my gift. This was the reason that Severus and I were bonded. The elephant that landed on my chest in Albus' office had all but vanished.
I sighed heavily when his lips feathered across mine. "You will be alright." He breathed against my lips, my face still cradled in his hands. I couldn't bring myself to respond. Deep down, I knew I would be alright because he was with me. "I'm going to have a bath." Shivers shot down my spine when I felt a wave of anxiety flood his system, causing him to tense up. "I will keep my head above the water. Feel free to supervise."
And just like that, my hazy mind seemed to clear. Though my invitation had merely been to settle his nerves, hearing the words fall from my lips made my legs quiver. My lip twitched ever so slightly into a smirk as I turned from him and started to peel my clothes away from my body. I left a trail of shoes, pants, bras, and knickers in my wake as I stepped into the bathroom. His trepidation was back, though now it was out of desire.
I had been soaking for a few minutes before he finally stepped into the bathroom. My head was only just visible to him over the mountain of bubbles that I had added to the steaming water. I was perched on a seat on my knees, and I cleared away a few inches of bubbles to lean my forearms against the ledge of the bath. "It's been a stressful afternoon for the both of us." I hummed. "You could join me."
I saw his shoulders tense further, and he sucked in a quick breath. "I will turn around while you undress, if you'd prefer." I eyed him carefully, trying to gauge any sense of fear or rejection. When he didn't respond, I turned around. If he was going to join me, I would respect his privacy. If he was going to stand there and watch, I would soak in peace.
Several long moments passed before I felt the water behind me swell and lap against my back. I hadn't heard him undress; he must have used a charm. My breathing became shallow as he sat behind me, and despite the heat of the bath, shivers spread through my body as I felt his arm wrap around my waist. I sighed, leaning my back against his bare chest. Of all our sexual encounters, this is by far the most intimate.
He is always careful not to get too carried away in any of our escapades, but now his completely naked body is pressed against mine. One of his hands rested on my stomach, while the other started stroking up and down my arm. Powerful, indescribable heat was flowing between us in this moment, and I couldn't help but let out a breathy whimper. The magic that surged through us when we touched was magnified as our bare bodies melded together. Cautiously, I turned around to face him, making sure to sit on my knees rather than straddle him, as I so desperately wanted to.
His legs were still spread from where I rested against him, so I was able to scoot in close enough to feel his breath on my face. The bubbles obstructed everything from our collarbones downward. Even though my thighs and knees were tucked between his, I was careful to keep my hands only on the skin that was visible to me. I ran my hands along his clavicle, over his shoulders, around his neck, and wove my fingers through his hair; only the tips of his black locks were wet.
No words had been spoken in quite some time, and the silence was comfortable and welcome. Mirroring my ministrations, his broad hands traced along my visible skin and rested between my shoulder blades. We stayed like this for what seemed like hours. His back rested against the wall of the bath, his hands tracing my upper back slowly, while my forearms rested against his shoulders, stroking my fingers idly through his hair.
I would give anything to feel his hands roam the length of my body, pressing and teasing every crevasse. However, I would be happy to sit like this for the rest of my life, feeling his naked body beneath mine and falling into the black depths of his eyes. Regardless of how this moment ends, I knew he would need to make the first move, or lack thereof. I tried with all my might not to think about the fact that his cock was mere inches from my bare core.
For the first time since he entered the bath, I broke our eye contact. My eyes fluttered closed, and I let out a soft sigh of contentment. I knew he did not want to have sex with me yet. It made my heart ache that he was not willing to share that experience. I have spent many nights wondering what was stopping him. The obvious answer was that I was still a student, but it wasn't illegal. The irrational part of my brain wondered if he had someone else with whom he quenched that particular thirst.
The rational and irrational sides of my mind were constantly bickering. "He only wants you because of the bond." Irrational would chime in every time he came close. "He gave you his trust." Rational would attempt to shut it down. "He still thinks you're a child." Irrational. "He gave you his word." Rational. "He doesn't crave you; he craves the euphoric magic that floods his system when you touch." Irrational. "He gave himself to you." Rational.
Of all the maddening, deafening thoughts swirling in my mind, there is one that rings louder than any. He doesn't want to have sex with me yet. That one word is enough to simultaneously calm my nerves and send me spiralling. Yet. Yet. Yet.
My reverie was broken when I felt his hands clasp the sides of my face, his palms resting against my temples. He pulled my face down and placed a soft kiss on my forehead. "Tell me what you're thinking." He was practically begging. It had been only a few short days since I blocked him out, and I could tell it was all but eating him alive.
"I'm terrified, Sev." I breathed heavily, the bubbles shifting around me as my chest rose and fell. "I am afraid of what my friends will think when they learn the truth. Afraid of The Order. Afraid of Voldemort. Afraid of what the war will do to you." He remained silent, not wanting to interrupt. "But despite all of that, I can't help but feel that this is exactly where I am supposed to be." I detangled my fingers from his hair and ran them across his shoulders.
"Both here, in the midst of a brewing war, and here, right now, with you." My voice shook lightly as my admission slipped from my lips. His hands, which were still holding the sides of my face, pulled me forwards again. His lips pressed against mine, and my body shook with adrenaline and anticipation. It was a hungry kiss, but light and soft. "Me too." Those two words burnt a hole through my chest.
"Let me in." He was begging again, pleading with me to let him into my mind, and I knew I was too powerless to resist. I leant in and locked my lips with his once more, and I let my walls crumble as his tongue connected with mine. Flashes of the fog that seeped through my mind swept past. All my anxieties about what was to come faded in and out of view. At the end of the broadcast of my thoughts, there were all but one remaining.
Yet.
I panted softly as he pulled my face away from his. I couldn't open my eyes, petrified that I might be chastised for having more sexual fantasies about him. "Look at me." It was a soft demand – a desperate, fearful request. My eyes fluttered open, and my heart swelled. The obsidian depths of his eyes held a myriad of emotions. Apprehension, desperation, hopefulness, and most importantly, love.
I could feel his heart hammering in his chest, and I knew he could feel mine, too. A barely audible whimper escaped my throat as his hands dropped from my face and traced along my shoulders before slipping beneath the bubbles. His hands moved slowly and intentionally down the arch of my back, and my cheeks flushed. He made the first move. He continued his descent over the swell of my ass and cupped both cheeks softly. "Sev…" I hummed, arching my back slightly.
"The bond may have brought us together, but that is not why I want you." He placed his lips gently against mine. "Though you are young, I do not think you are a child." His lips trailed down my cheek and pressed against my jaw. I shuddered and couldn't help but whimper. "There is certainly no one else." He pressed his lips just below my ear, and I shuddered. "I crave you." In his venture through my mind, he heard all my insecurities blaring out.
His hands were still pressed against my ass, and I was desperate to be closer. I grabbed his face, perhaps a little too forcefully, and crashed my lips against his. As his tongue dominated mine and his grip on my ass tightened, I was a moaning mess. Without thinking, I lifted myself off my knees and swung my legs over his, straddling him. I hissed slightly at the sting of my shins; I had been kneeling for so long they had gone numb.
I expected him to flinch, to tense up, and to push me away. But he didn't. I was careful not to sit too close to his cock. The ball was still in his court; if he wanted to stop this now, I would let him. He knew that I was more than ready. The heat of the water was almost painful against the heat of my core, and I whimpered. Every muscle in my body was fighting the urge to roll my hips. I knew if I did, his tip would likely brush against me.
I almost cried out as he pulled his lips away from mine. We were both breathless, and I could feel that he was at war with himself. He wanted me; that much was clear. But his apprehension was winning. "We don't have to do anything, Sev." I made sure to shift slightly back towards his knees but leant my forehead against his. "I understand." I placed a soft kiss at the edge of his mouth and sat up straight.
We sat for a moment, drowning in each other's eyes. His hands were still resting on my ass, but I could see his jaw clenching. We were both still agonisingly aroused. Even in the heat of the bath, I could feel my pussy was drenched, and though there were bubbles still obscuring our lower halves, I could tell his was still painfully hard.
"Do you trust me?" His voice was soft but desperate. "I would not be sitting here if I didn't." I smirked. I gasped when a vision danced across my eyes; he was showing me what he wanted. My eyes fluttered closed as he squeezed my ass gently. His lips brushed against mine, and I slowly traced my hands down his chest and beneath the bubbles.
I trembled as one of his hands snaked around my hip and over my thigh. We kept our eyes locked as our hands descended down each other's bodies. I whimpered when his fingers ran along my slit, and he hissed when my hands wrapped around his cock. It was insanely intimate, pleasing each other at the same time.
My back arched, and I threw my head back as he pressed two fingers down on my clit. My hands wavered slightly on his cock as I jerked back. "Look at me." His demand was soft, but I snapped my eyes to his as if he'd screamed it. His fingers continued to tease my slit, rubbing slow circles over my clit. I gripped his shaft tighter and began to pump him.
I gasped as he slipped two fingers inside my throbbing entrance, and my jaw fell slack. He timed his thrusts to sync with my hands working up and down his cock. It took every bit of strength I had not to let my eyes roll to the back of my head as we increased our pace. I let one hand slide down to cup his balls, squeezing and rolling them gently, and he let out a low groan.
His fingers hooked and twisted inside me, and his thumb was mercilessly pressing and flicking my bundle of nerves. I all but squealed when I felt a third finger slip inside me. It was a blinding sensation, his thick fingers stretching me further than I had been before.
The thought that it could be his cock inside me made my walls clench and flutter around his fingers. I increased my pressure on his balls slightly and started to pump him faster, letting my thumb brush over his tip with every stroke. When I started to bounce my hips up and down on his fingers, he let out a carnal growl that could have sent me over the edge alone. "That's it; fuck my fingers." His internal command sounded strained, as if he fought to keep his desires in check, but he caved.
I never knew how much dirty talk turned me on until it was flowing freely through Severus' mind. Oh, how I would love to hear him praise me aloud without restraint. I could feel my stomach begin to coil, and I knew I was close. I could feel his cock twitching as I pumped him in time with the rolling of my hips up and down the length of his fingers. Without being able to see each other's ministrations, it was as though his cock was thrusting inside me, not his fingers, and as though the walls of my pussy were clenching his cock, not my hands.
I could no longer attempt to keep my eyes on his as I felt the knot in my stomach tightening, and I knew he was as close as me. I faintly heard an animalistic growl that resembled my name as his hips jerked upward. His orgasm rolled over him, and his body lurched forwards, causing his fingers to slam into me harder. When I felt his mouth latch onto my nipple, I screamed some version of his name, my walls clenching tightly around his fingers as I crashed over the edge.
My body shook as he stilled his fingers, letting me ride my high out fully. My vision was blinded by stars, and I couldn't hear anything over the blood rushing against my ears. My hands fell slack against his cock, and I fell forwards against his chest. My whole body was spent, and I knew his was too. "Fuck," was all I managed to mutter through ragged breaths, and I felt him chuckle lightly. I moaned as I felt him grip my ass, lifting me to ease his fingers out.
I brought my hands up to rest on his chest, and his were tracing lazily up and down my back as we let our breathing even out. I am not sure how long we have been submerged in the bath, but I knew we were long past pruney. I gasped as I felt a sudden rush of cold air wash over my body. Severus had lifted me bridal style out of the tub, though I am not sure how he had the strength. The freezing bathroom air was quickly replaced by a drying and warming charm as he walked through to my bedroom and sat me down on my bed.
I looked up at him with awe. This was the first time I had been able to see his body completely exposed. I let my eyes fall from his, slowly taking in every inch of him. From his cheeks to his Adam's apple, which bobbed up and down heavily, to his chest and his dark nipples, over his stomach, and down to his cock, which was now slightly flaccid. My breath hitched in my throat slightly, but I continued to let my eyes travel further down to his toned legs and right down to his feet. He is perfect.
My eyes snapped back to his when he chuckled lightly. "Hardly perfect." He smirked. I giggled and stood up. I rested my hands on his chest, and leant up to kiss his cheek. I let my lips dance across his skin, down to his jaw, to his throat, his collarbone, and his chest. I could feel his heart thumping rapidly beneath my lips, and I pulled away to look up at him. He was watching my every move.
An intimate silence hummed through the air, and it sent chills down my spine. I was thinking nothing but of him, and I knew he was thinking nothing but of me. I looked back at his chest and began tracing my fingers, followed by delicate kisses, over the many scars that littered his skin. He tensed slightly, but he did not pull away. I could feel him still watching everything I did. After my lips rested atop a slightly raised, pink scar that spread across his right pectoral, he flinched once more and placed his finger under my chin, turning me to face him. "Every story has its scars, Sev. They do not define you."
I have never felt closer to him than I do now. It was not the fact that we had just shared our first simultaneous orgasm or the fact that we stood naked in front of each other. The heat that was radiating off his skin and that shimmered in his eyes was not in response to his climax. It was love. I knew he couldn't say the words, but right now, I didn't need him to. And I knew he didn't need me to, either.
"Will you stay?" I wanted to beg him, but it needed to be his choice. He looked between my eyes for what felt like hours before he brought his hands up to cup my cheeks. My eyes fluttered closed as he brushed his lips against mine, but I sighed in protest as he quickly stepped back. I pouted as I watched him turn away from me and step back into the bathroom. I frowned and tried not to huff in disappointment as I opened my wardrobe, pulling out an oversized t-shirt and a simple pair of cotton knickers.
As I slipped into them, I climbed into bed and rested against the headboard, waiting for him to exit the bathroom. I expected him to come out fully dressed, but when he emerged in nothing but his briefs, I couldn't help but grin. "Move over." He chuckled. I practically jumped to the side as he crawled in beside me. When he laid down on his back, he was quick to pull me onto his chest. I sighed as my cheek rested against the heat of his bare skin.
"Merry Christmas, darling." He kissed the top of my head and started to trace his fingers up and down my back. Though I haven't the faintest idea of the time, it must be past midnight. "Merry Christmas, Sev."