"I wish I could apologise for falling in love with you. But I can't. It would be like asking me to be sorry for breathing."

- Michael Faudet

Restart

Being alone never bothered him. If anything, it was a sweet solitude most introverts such as he enjoyed so much. However, once old habits were broken, going back to them was like getting-to-know each other all over again. The feeling was strange, the silence was choking, and the feeling of the wind against his skin was like a constant reminder that he was all alone now.

Being alone never bothered him, really. Just his luck, things were not the same anymore.

He glanced at the running water before him, glistening and rustling with life. Sitting under the tree's shade amid the summer's raging heat, he found the sort of silence that would make him feel less lonely. His deep blue eyes took in the lovely sight before him, he enjoyed spending time here in the riverside, away from people and their noise. He was all by himself in a serene place, and he could pretty much do whatever he wanted. Cry, talk, yell, sing, or dance...no one was around to witness. Exactly. No one else would see if he would do something stupid.

Slowly, a sad smile stretched his lips. Again, once you departed from an old habit, it was like restarting everything. Actually, today was the beginning of that restart. His restart.

He had heard this from his elder sister before that the person who falls in love first is actually the loser. 'Love is a game,' she reminded the younger him, and though he was too young to comprehend everything, he just nodded in assent.

If there were losers, there were winners. So it must be played like a game, then? He wondered why it did not come to his senses earlier (that love was simply a game), but then again, he only had himself to blame. When spring came to him, he was so blinded and fooled that he forgot who he was and who he used to be: a timid boy from the countryside, a boy ignorant when it comes to the matters of the heart. Sometimes he wanted to blame the scholars for not writing books about this, about how foolish it was to fall in love. Why did no one write anything about first love and how blinding it could be? How painful it could be?

Luki couldn't accept the fact that she made a fool out of him. Heck, he couldn't believe she could do that. What they had seemed so real, so genuine, so true, so authentic. It was almost everythinghe could ask for. The smiles, the sweet talks, the kisses and the caresses, they all felt so real - no, they were real. All of them. What had been untrue all these times were her intentions. Well, did she have any intentions in the first place? Besides toying with him, of course. How would he know? Honestly, forget it. He didn't want to find out anymore.

Love was a painful first-time experience for him. The pain he felt now was nothing compared to the bleeding wound he got when he tried fixing his dad's old bike the first time. The wound was nowhere in sight, he couldn't even use any antiseptic to cleanse it or something. Pain-relievers wouldn't work as well. It hurt, he wanted to scream that. Every time he would remember her, which was like every fucking seconds, his chest felt like churning when it does not churn at all. There was a weary feeling inside his chest, like his heart was breaking along with his ribs. It vexed him, it made him feel so...girlish. Fragile. Vulnerable. That was where he realised that a wound couldn't be reached by hands hurt more.

Love fucked him up badly. He should have remembered his sister's advice, 'love is a game; he, who falls in loses the game.' Well, the game was over now, right?

Luki looked above him, head leaning against the wide, rough trunk. He watched the leaves to rustle, unintentionally giving him a light show. His pink fringe slowly fell a few centimeters above his eyes, sliding towards the right. The sunlight filtered through the lush foliage above him danced across his face and lap, the tiny orbs of light felt so warm against his pale skin and khaki shorts. He used to hate summertime, but a certain someone taught him how to enjoy it.

Fuck, he muttered as he closed his eyes abruptly. He continued nibbling on his lower lip, still murmuring the f-word to himself. He hated how much she affected him, how much influence she had over him. Just like right now, he originally hated the sun. He hated summer. Luki used to claim that boys like him weren't cut out for the summer sun. He was a homely person, literally. However, thanks to her, he got rid of the habit staying indoors.

"Fuck," he said louder, raising an arm as if to shield his eyes from the bright komorebi. "Fuck you, Hatsune. Well, I already did that anyway. But still, screw you."The wind blew gently, warm and comforting. He was just unsure which was warmer, the wind or the tears trickling down from his eyes.

It began a year ago, when he transferred in Liphemra High. He came from a town on the countryside, a place most city people never heard of. The place where he came from was called Parler. When he mentioned it upon introducing himself in his new class, no one seemed to know where on earth was that place. Luki completely ignored his new classmates and proceeded to his seat.

The idea of restarting his new life in an urban life was quite a torture for him. Luki had no friends since he could not actually carry out a conversation with anyone. The trends they were talking about weren't the same fad country people were so hyped about. None of his class tried asking him things from where he came from; he thought tranferees were always welcomed warmly. Well, back in Parler every newcomer was welcomed with open arms.

He never felt this isolated before. The crowded hallways were one of the loneliest places for him, his classrooms next. Walking along the corridors and eating in the cafeteria never felt this terrifying. Luki had a feeling like there were hundreds of eyes staring at him. Sometimes he would purposely miss his lunch so he could avoid people, and instead he would spend his free time in the library to read. Books were his refuge, and for him books made a lot more sense than actual humans.

However, this habit lasted only for a month. Luki met her during the study hall, when he happened to pass by the stairs near the janitor's locker. There were muffled voices nearby, one soft spoken and the other, harsh and brusque. It seemed like there was an argument. Since Luki had nothing to with it, he intended to leave. Well, until there was a scream. The pink-haired boy peered down from the second storey only to see a guy forcing a girl to kiss him. Normally he wouldn't mind other people's businesses, but his hands moved on its own accord, throwing his pile of books down to the guy. Luki wished to pick no fights, he was physically weak, so he did was plain terrifying. Especially when the guy glowered at him with fiery eyes.

The girl used that distraction to run away from the other guy. What Luki did not expect was her coming his way, grabbing his hand, and running down the hallways while the bad guy was hot in their trail. For several minutes of turning left and right, Luki and the girl lost the other guy. They rested under the tree somewhere in the open field, chests heaving as they gasped for breath.

"Thank you," the girl said, pushing a lock of long teal hair away from her face. When she said those words, she wasn't looking at him. Her leaf-green eyes were staring at the filtered sunlight above them. There was a tiny smile on her lips as she closed her eyes to enjoy the cool air. Her hand still holding his hand bewildered the country boy. Of course, having a pretty girl to hold your hand was a rare chance.

Everything went out of control after that incident. Luki thought that encounter was the first and last. The next day, and for the next days, the girl kept reappearing out of nowhere. She would take the seat next to him in his AP classes, would volunteer to be his partner in gym classes, would share the table with him during lunch. Even his precious silent reading moments in the library were interrupted whenever she would take the chair next to him and read. Truth be told, she was not reading. The girl was just holding a book to cover her face as she slept. There were times she would lean to him, and those times Luki found his heart beating wildly.

He learned later on that her name was Miku Hatsune. Never the average, flashy student. She was actually smart, topping all classes even the AP ones. When Luki failed his history and some of his math subjects, his teachers asked Miku to help him catching up.

Luki would stay after class in the library so Miku could tutor him. When it felt like he was acquainted with her enough, he invited her to his house. From acquaintances, they became friends. She would come to his place casually, his mom was actually delighted to have her being the first friend he had in Liphemra. Perhaps his mom was under the impression that they were dating.

Seeing her hogging his bed and sleeping over became normal. They spent weekends together watching Netflix movies, throwing popcorns to each other. Sometimes she would nag at him when he failed another math exam. Miku would ask him out on a sunny day, one he would usually turn down. She was persistent though, so he had given us. That part of her was actually cute. He got to know Miku the strangest way. The sides she never showed at school, the study bug alternate personality of hers, he met it. Nevertheless, Miku was a nice girl, a bit rebellious he thought, since she visited him one late evening climbing to his balcony, carrying a bottle of wine she stole from her father.

The crowded hallways never felt so isolating again. He would not walk around the school stooping his head anymore, albeit he was still uncomfortable to the strange gazes his schoolmates would give him. There were times when Miku would just jump on his back, and then she would ruffle his hair. She would often tell him that his hair was soft and she liked it. The friendly treatment went on until barging in each other's rooms while changing was no issue. She had seen him in his boxers, she had poured water on his face to wake him up. When it was the other way around, he accidentally bolted to her room while she was stripping, Luki would find himself blushing madly. Miku would take that opportunity to make fun of him, claiming that his face was brighter than his hair.

Soon enough the friendly treatment turned into something. They spent late nights together, sitting in the roof to watch the sun replace the moon. The talks about the future, they had them. Changes surged their relationship. Hands drew closer together, fingers intertwined and lips touched. He liked the feeling of his fingers tangled in her hair, the softness of her lips and the sweetness of her skin. They went beyond what normal friends would do. It continued for who knew how long, their wanton times together were the highlight of each other's days.

Whenever he would stare at her pools of green orbs, he would envision the warm Indian summer. Oftentimes he was lost in those eyes. He hated summer days, but maybe if she was there, her hands holding his, he wouldn't mind. The secret base he used to own, that special spot on the riverbank, it was shared to her. Though there were times she would lecture him about the points he was missing in his waterloo subjects, he still enjoyed being with her. For the first time since moving in Liphemra, spending time with someone never bothered him.

Miku was fond of his eyes. She liked the deep blueness of his irises, like a moonless twilight. The girl loved to lie her head on his chest or lap, her fingers always playing with his pink locks. She would sing lovely french songs to his ears, knowing that her breath tickled the hell out of him. Besides her singing voice he fancied, he also liked hearing her pants and moans whenever they would do it. She was so experienced about the pleasures of the body, and this was another side of her he discovered. However, all wonderful tales would always come to an end.

One night, he woke up with a start. He spent the night in her place so they could finish a project together. Miku was dozing off on her desk, the study lamp still turned on. Luki went over to move her to the bed when he noticed a notebook pushed at the corner. Curiosity took over him since the notebook looked like a diary. He picked it up and scanned the contents, stumbling upon a list of names. Some looked familiar, some sounded like he heard it once. Most of the names were the popular guys in the school. It was a strange list, some names were crossed out with a red pen. At the bottom of the pages he found the legend. The names crossed out were accomplished, while the rest were in progress.

Progress? He scanned the other pages and he found his name at the bottom of the list. The names written above his were already crossed out. Luki did not understand this at all. He turned to the other pages where Miku's diary entries were written.

Friday, October xx,

The newbie is actually fun. Luki's a nice guy. Such a shame I'm toying with him. Well, is there any chance for me to fall for him? He's the strangest boy among all those I played with, you see. He's not the typical guy who only wanted to get into my pants...which is nice.

Okay. Fuck that. No need to read the next entries, yeah?

Luki dropped the notebook, his hands trembling as his insides churned. His eyes felt so hot, his forehead wrinkled. Wow, great news. He was just someone's past time. So that was why everyone had looked at him whenever Miku was with him, right? He reached up to wipe his tears, still too shocked to react. Luki picked up a pen and wrote down a note, and then he left without waiting for the morning to come.

So a country boy's virginity was some entertainment for you, huh?

After knowing what a slut Miku really was, he avoided her. He didn't talk to her, never dared to confront her, thinking that it was the best thing to do. He was hurt, broken and made a fool. If only his sister Luka was here, he wondered what she would tell him. Perhaps, Luki, save yourself.

Tears raced against each other in his cheeks. They drew a path down to his chin and drenched the neckline of his shirt. He still had an arm covering his eyes, head resting against the tree trunk. True boys cry, right?

Luki's hands felt so empty, he was so used to grasping her hands and tangling his fingers with her hair. Her warmth next to him, her lips against his skin, why do they have to be beautiful deceptions?

It was fine, anyhow. Once the summer break's over, he would go back to the countryside with his dad. He would forget her and the joy she brought to his life, and probably he would find another one. As he was about to stand, he heard the bushes rustling from behind. Looking back, he saw the girl he wanted to see the least now.

"Luki!" she called, but he ignored her. He wouldn't show his tears because it would only boost her ego, right?

"Leave me alone, Hatsune."

When you loved somebody, it was hard to pretend that the person's existence never mattered. Well, Luki was doing his best, so better give him some credit.

request: SPICE!/RIP=RELEASE AU where Miku is a playgirl and Luki (naive and shy) is a newcomer to their high school(...)

a/n. if im not lazy and unmotivated, i could have done better. not promising but might work for a part ii (miku's pov) for this one since this is luki's pov.. im taking a fancy with this shy boy luki (okay that's my canon now). and i like the characters of broken hearted boys.