A/N: This fic deals with trauma and grief. The first part is quite angsty, hurt/comfort. There are mentions of alcoholism.
HALLOWEEN ISN'T SIMPLE
HALLOWEEN, 1981
She was gone.
Severus would never get his chance to get her back. Nor would he see her smile again, not even from a distance.
Not that he deserved forgiveness anyway.
It was his fault.
The Dark Lord wouldn't have targeted the Potters if Severus hadn't gone to him, eager for recognition, and told him about the prophecy.
She was gone, and he was to blame.
Halloween had been Lily's favorite day of the year. It dawned on Severus, as he cried over her corpse, that Halloween would never again be a good day for him, no matter that he and Lily would celebrate it as children or the laughter and the fond memories the date had carried until the moment.
That night, Severus got drunk for the first time in his life.
HALLOWEEN, 1995
The school was buzzing with students eager for the Halloween Feast to commence. After a long day, the school teachers were thankful for the few free hours before the Feast. Skyrah wasn't any different. She couldn't wait to read while cuddling on the couch with her husband. When she came into their chambers, she found him standing before the kitchen table. He wasn't facing her. Even at the beginning of their relationship, he hadn't rejected her cuddles despite his evident awkwardness due to his inexperience. Over the few months they'd spent together, he'd become more at ease with the notion to the point of seeking cuddling time. The fact that he didn't even look at Skyrah after she made her suggestion confused her so much that she asked him if he was okay. He remained still, quiet. Only, the more Skyrah studied him, the more she noticed he wasn't still but shaking.
She rushed towards him. What she saw paralyzed her for a moment. An open bottle of strong firewhisky was in front of him, on the table. One of his hands was holding a glass. It was so unsteady some drops of the beverage were spilled. On the rare occasions when he drank, it was wine, never firewhisky, and much less the kind with the most alcohol. He drank when he had a tough day. A glass was enough. Maybe two. Today was different. His face was contorted. Ghosts came out on Halloween. Only some of those ghosts weren't like the Fat Friar or Moaning Myrtle. The kind that haunted Severus was ghosts of profound repentance and grief.
Skyrah put her hand on his shoulder slowly so as not to startle him. Anyway, the glass slipped from his fingers and fell on the table, shattering. Severus cursed under his breath and started picking up the broken pieces.
"Stop, Severus, stop! You'll get hurt!"
He didn't hear her. Even when she repaired the glass and cleaned the mess with a couple of spells, he didn't acknowledge her presence. He sunk into a chair and hid his face behind his hands, elbows on the table. Skyrah, now seriously worried, sat on the table and put a hand on his back. He flinched.
"It's me," she murmured, rubbing his back. "Only me, your wife. You're safe with me."
"You aren't safe with me. You should leave. Ask Minerva to let you sleep in her chambers tonight. She will know the reason and let you in."
Though the sound was half-muffled, Skyrah could tell apart each and every word, and at the same time, she understood nothing. "What are you talking about? Why can't I sleep in our bed tonight?"
"I don't want you to see me."
"I've seen you cry before. It's okay."
"You haven't seen me inebriated."
Her expression softened. "Have you been drinking?"
"Not yet. I wanted to. I still do. I don't know how long I'll be able to hold on. My will is weakening."
He spoke as if he were utterly powerless against alcohol, which bewildered her. They hadn't spent much time separated since they got married. The smell of potions, lilies, books, and homemade food defined their home; not beer, wine, or gin. It wasn't the home of an alcoholic. Never had she seen him tipsy. She'd always had the feeling that Severus wanted to put distance between him and Tobias, and so what had been a place that reeked of cheap beer back when Severus had been a kid had become the place she'd learned to call her home.
"Since when have you felt this urge to drink?"
At his lack of answer, she analyzed his behavior from the last few days. Nothing struck her as odd. She thought of that same morning, searching for any clue that could tell her what the matter was; only they hadn't talked. By the time she woke up, he'd left. There was a note signed by him: an apology for leaving so early. Something had happened in the Slytherin Common Room and he'd had to go. He didn't come up at breakfast time in the Great Hall. At lunchtime, he was there. Pomona had sat between him and Skyrah with the excuse of wanting to tell him about a rare magical plant species that she'd planted in the greenhouses and which could be used as an ingredient for potions. Poppy, who was next to Skyrah, too, chatted with her instead. Before resuming lessons, Skyrah always took a moment to flash him smile that never failed to reassure him. She never got a smile from him. The bat of the dungeons didn't smile, after all. Instead, he'd subtly touch her hand or arm; maybe simply nod. Not today. By the time she'd meant to give him that smile, he wasn't there.
"Severus excused himself. He must have gone to the loo," Pomona told her when she spotted her expression of bafflement.
Classes continued after that, and the next thing Skyrah knew, Severus was making an effort not to drink the firewhisky he'd already poured into his glass.
Something escaped her.
As if he read her thoughts, he said, "I've been struggling with this since 1981 on the night of Halloween."
It was Halloween today.
Idiot, she inwardly called herself. She'd never seen Halloween as a bad date. If anything, on her sixteenth Halloween, she'd begun seeing the festivity as the day she could start to live a little more, the day of her father's disappearance. What had been liberating for her had been a real nightmare for Harry and Severus. She'd known. A week ago, she'd reminded herself it'd be a delicate day. How could she have forgotten?
"I should've remembered that. What a horrible wife I am."
Severus unburied his face from his hands, eyes red. "No," he whispered. Louder, he repeated, "No." He took her hands and kissed them reverently. "You are the best thing in my life." His voice croaked with honesty that went directly to her heart.
"I still made a grave mistake. I'm sorry."
"There is nothing to forgive. I solely beseech you to stay with Minerva for the night."
"I understand the pain of losing someone you love so dearly. I know how it feels to blame yourself for their death. I can help you. Please don't push me away now."
"Dammit, Skyrah! Don't you get it? I'm not like you! I'm weak, and I drink. I drink every Halloween night so much that, the very next day, when I wake up, I'm incapable of remembering what happened. The pain is so deep that I can't take it."
"You can drink if it helps you," she offered, growing more and more disturbed. It was torture to see him in so much pain: shouting, shaking. "I won't judge you. Everyone has different ways to cope. It's justified."
"No, it isn't. I don't want to get drunk in front of you, but I'm afraid I won't control myself. You need to go to Minerva."
"Severus–"
"Tobias would get even more aggressive when he was intoxicated."
It came off as a warning. The implications were clear.
"You wouldn't ever treat me as Tobias used to treat your mother."
"I could be worse than him. He was only a muggle."
"He was abusive even when he didn't drink. You–"
"I have no desire to test whether I'm my father's son or not. I'm not waking up to see you covered in bruises, and maybe even with broken bones. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Promise me you'll go to Minerva's chambers after the Feast."
There was a pause in which only his ragged breathing was heard.
"I can't promise you that."
"Are you that eager to get beaten?!" he asked, gripping the edge of the table so strongly his knuckles turned white.
"I'm eager to help my husband! How is my going away going to help? You need comfort, not loneliness!" She took a small intake of breath and lowered her voice. "Not loneliness. It's bad enough that I failed to remember what today's date means to you. What kind of wife would I be if I let you suffer on your own?"
"One that isn't sent to the hospital because of her violent husband."
"You aren't violent."
"I don't know the kind of man I become under the influence of alcohol. I'd never forgive myself if I hurt you. I don't want you to look at me like my mother would look at Tobias. Not you. I wouldn't be able to bear it."
Skyrah pondered her options in silence. Severus sniffled and glanced at the firewhisky bottle with a mix of disgust and craving. It was funny how one could be simultaneously attracted and repelled by the very same thing.
"I never got to know Harry's mum. I only know what you've told me about her, but I don't think she'd be happy to see you in this state, or drunk. It's her death anniversary. Lily should be the protagonist. Think of the good moments you spent with her. Share stories about her. Go to her grave and talk to her, say the things you'd tell her if she were alive. Commemorating her will make her proud in a way drinking won't."
"How can I do everything you're telling me? I'm the reason Harry's an orphan."
"My father's the one who cursed her."
"Because of me."
"Because he's a merciless monster. He's the murderer. Not you, Severus."
By that point, his tears ran freely down his cheeks.
"Lily was so young and full of life. She had so much to give, a son to bring up, and..." He broke down and covered his face once again. Skyrah sat astride him and ran her fingers through his hair until his eyes dried. It took him a long time. Regardless, she didn't stop or complain. When he pulled his head away from her, he could barely look her in the eye. "Grieving for another woman is improper. I apologize."
Skyrah smiled sadly. "I grieve for the man I almost married too."
"You must do that when I'm not around. What I did just now is tasteless. You're my spouse."
Not by choice, she almost voiced. Yet he spoke as if he'd choose her as his wife, and it took her breath away for a moment, for she wouldn't hesitate either, should he propose to her. She'd say yes to him. For someone who hadn't told her he loved her, he surely found ways to let her know how deep his feelings for her were.
"Your patronus isn't a doe anymore. That's everything I need to know, Severus."
She summoned her crow, which flew around him and perched on his shoulder to nuzzle his cheek. Her patronus reassured him that, albeit she missed Daniel, the one she loved unlike no other was Severus. Its silver light was soft yet warm, as warm as a hug of hers.
Definitely, she was the best thing in his life.
No incidents occurred during the Feast. Nobody, student or teacher, could have guessed that the Potions Master had been sobbing not so long ago. His occlumency masked his suffering flawlessly. Minerva did notice he made no sarcastic comments and barely talked to her, though. He wasn't okay and she knew the exact reason. When the ghosts invaded the Great Hall and everyone was distracted, she put a hand on his arm and gave it a squeeze. Brief as it was, it meant a lot to Severus, for that was her way of letting him know he could count on her. For years, she'd let him pet her on her cat form on the evening of the 31st of October. It would calm him a bit though it had never succeeded in driving him away from drinking at the end of the day.
"Do you need me to be with you after the Feast?" she asked him, eyeing Skyrah. "I don't mean to intrude."
"Please don't. Not this year."
Despite her concern, Minerva nodded and hoped Skyrah would know exactly how to treat him on such a delicate date.
Back in their chambers, Skyrah hugged Severus tight. He didn't hug her back. His guilt was that intense. The self-loathing was so evident that Skyrah feared all the hugs and kisses she had to give wouldn't be enough to make him feel better. He pushed her away, trembling all over, and told her to leave.
"Don't ask me to leave you alone when you're in so much pain, Severus."
"If you don't go, I'll go. This is your place as much as mine now. Don't expect me to come home early."
"If you go, I'll go with you."
"You're making this even more difficult."
"I'm trying to help."
"Then you must leave at once. If you stay with me, I'll lose you. I'll lose the best thing in my life. Why aren't you listening to me? You've always respected my decisions."
"You aren't okay. You think you need to be alone, but that's the last thing you truly need. I can't let you harm yourself."
"You told me drinking is justified today."
"That doesn't mean you should drink. You could try to break this tradition, find another way to put up with the pain. For Lily, but most of all, for yourself."
"I can't. You must leave."
"You can't force me to."
He swallowed hard, his eyes full of unshed tears. A simple summoning, and the bottle was in his shaking hand. He couldn't even look at her. His urge to drink and forget it all was stronger than his shame.
"I should've known what we had was too good to last," he said. "I'm not meant to be happy. The pain will never leave. It grows and grows and grows. It never stops growing."
Skyrah shook her head and watched in slow motion as Severus brought the firewhisky to his lips, not bothering to take a glass. A spell fell from her lips, and the beverage vanished. His gaze went from his empty hands to his wife. He clenched his jaw and got a glass of water. An aguamenti later, it was filled. He was about to turn the water into wine when Skyrah took the glass away from him and put it aside.
"You can't stop me from drinking. I wish you could. I wish I could stop myself, but I need to drink. It's too much. I can't take it anymore. I truly am my father's son. He couldn't stop himself either."
Skyrah hated that he compared himself to Tobias. It wasn't the time to talk about that, though. His emotional state wouldn't let him see the truth. It was a battle for another day. Today's battle was a different one: his remorse over Lily's death.
"Does drinking help you cope with the pain?" she asked.
"It makes me forget."
"Is forgetting coping?"
No. It was a temporary solution at most. In the morning, all he felt was chagrin and remorse, yet every year, he drank again.
"I don't know what else to do."
"You drink because you feel guilty and hate yourself; because you miss her and you want to escape the feeling. Maybe, if you talked to me about her, showed me photos, or took me to places where you used to go together, you wouldn't be in so much pain. You'd be sharing your pain with me."
He shook his head, his face contorted in pain.
"I know. Your guilt and self-hate prevent you from doing that just yet. Once you conquer them, you'll be ready. You became a spy. You took responsibility even though you didn't have to, and guilt is fought with responsibility. You're protecting Harry, risking your life every day. Perhaps you need more time to accept you couldn't control my father and thus, realize you aren't to blame. You're on the right track. That's what matters the most."
"It doesn't feel like I'm doing enough."
"It's the self-loathing that makes you feel like this. You can overcome it."
"How?" he asked, desperate. The sight broke her heart.
"Like this," she whispered, and her lips met his. The kiss was soft and tender. Even though he didn't kiss her back, he was glad she didn't immediately pull away. He even allowed her to take him to their bed.
"I don't think I can do this," he said.
"Kiss me? Of course, you can. You're an excellent kisser."
He hadn't meant that. He knew she knew. But God, she was trying so hard to help him out. Playing along was the least he could do. It wasn't that difficult when she responded to his kiss with an adorable whimper, or when she ran her fingers through his hair. Soon, he wasn't thinking about drinking at all. The only thing he wanted to taste was Skyrah. He began to undress her while kissing her, caressing every inch of her body he uncovered. Whenever she tried to do the same with him, he distracted her so that she wouldn't touch him. It came to a point that Skyrah was highly aroused, clad in her underwear. Severus, in contrast, hadn't even let her undo a single button, nor had he done it himself.
"Severus, let me—"
"Don't touch me. Our baby died, and it was my fault, just like Lily's death was my fault."
He regretted the words as soon as they were out. They'd lanced through her. Her hand was on her womb. Yet again, she was reliving the pain. A knot in his throat prevented an apology from coming out of his mouth. He gulped, looked away, and berated himself for being so insensitive. Why had he even reacted like that? She was doing her best to take his mind off the pain and he rewarded her with such harsh words. Little did he know that it wasn't the fact that he'd reminded her of their daughter which upset her (Skyrah couldn't forget her). No, what upset her was his insistence that he was to blame for Voldemort's cruelty, so she gave him love, the antidote against self-loathing, and kissed him again.
"Why don't you want me to touch you, Severus? If you weren't in the mood… But it doesn't seem so." She glanced meaningfully at the bulge in his trousers.
"I want to pleasure you. Being pleasured isn't something I deserve tonight."
Her expression softened. She brought her hand to caress his face. "Do you trust me?"
"With my soul." It was the reason he hadn't left his quarters to drink in a muggle bar despite the threat. Deep down, he trusted her. If she wanted to stay with him, he wouldn't be strong enough to deny her.
"You deserve to feel loved tonight, you just can't see it now. Would you be willing to try something? We can stop at any moment."
He couldn't have possibly imagined what she had in mind, and when she revealed it, his face heated up.
"You want me to masturbate?" he choked. "How are you going to have an orgasm?"
Skyrah gave him a rueful grin. "I love it that you're thoughtful and put me first, but today isn't about me. It's about you."
Severus shook his head. "I don't deserve that kind of release, least of all tonight of all nights and after trying to push you away from me."
"Do I deserve sexual pleasure?"
"Of course."
"Don't forget my blood. I'm capable of horrible things. I've done them. Why do I deserve it while you don't?"
"Daniel's death wasn't your fault—"
"His death is only one of the many horrible things I was referring to. You don't know the pain I've caused to so many people. I'm not ready to tell you about them. I hope to be, someday. You're so very brave, sharing all your regrets with me. I admire you, Severus. You deserve so much love."
Overwhelmed, he lowered his gaze. It wouldn't do. She sat cross-legged next to him and let a bra strap fall, making sure to let out a sigh to catch his attention. His eyes went directly to her bare skin, just as she'd schemed. She fully unclasped her bra. With the cold, her nipples were perfectly erect and sensitive to the caresses she gave them. Severus, though confused by her actions, didn't do anything other than regard her. She caressed herself through the fabric of her panties. The dampness became visible, and with that sight, his resistance broke. He crawled towards her.
"Tsk, tsk," she said with a playful smile. "You can watch, but you can't touch. I won't touch you either. Feel free to touch yourself, though. I'd love to see that."
Severus stared at her, clearly torn.
"Are you aroused?" she asked, although she could tell. His eyes kept glancing at her sex, mouth, and chest; his pants looked very tight. Drinking was out of his mind.
"My gorgeous wife is pleasuring herself in front of me. How can I not be aroused?"
"Then you deserve some release. I'm not giving it to you tonight. It'll have to be by your own hand."
"Why?" he asked, breathless.
"Because you deserve to love yourself."
Perhaps he should be angry at her for using her body to tempt him. He couldn't, though, not when her Slytherin behavior was the result of her wanting him to feel loved. He'd thought he had no more tears to shed today, yet now, all his focus was on not crying again. It was overwhelming and inspiring to hear her speak so confidently about him being worthy of self-love.
"Skyrah, do you love yourself?"
She froze, self-conscious all of a sudden. Severus waited as she reflected, hugging herself as if she had just noticed it was a chilly night in the dungeons.
"I'm learning to. I know how hypocritical I must sound, asking you to love yourself when I haven't succeeded in loving myself entirely either. I just…" She gulped. "I can't stand the thought of you feeling unloved. You don't see what good a man you are. So brave. So noble and considerate. So intelligent and meticulous. I only want you to be happy. Drinking to forget makes you miserable. Self-loathing, more than anything, pulls you towards alcohol. But I'm here. I'm with you. You don't need to drink. You only need to let me give you love and allow you to love yourself with my help."
He loved her.
He loved her more than words could say, more than he was ready to admit. She made him feel so loved he was a bit dizzy. He restrained the urge to kiss her and asked her to remove her panties instead, which earned him a frown.
"I want to see you touch yourself while I do the same. I am aware that you mentioned only watching. I cannot touch you. That is not to say making suggestions is prohibited. We should learn to love ourselves together. I want you to touch yourself as I'd touch you."
He heard a small gasp that came from her, and then her lips were against his, and her tongue was asking for permission to explore his mouth. Gladly, he conceded it and put his hands on her waist, keeping her close to him.
"Didn't you tell me a moment ago we can watch but not touch?" he teased, slightly out of breath.
Skyrah chuckled and pecked his lips once last time. "This doesn't count. We have yet to begin."
Severus clicked his tongue, eyeing her fondly. He didn't know how relieved Skyrah was to see something akin to a smile on his face, the sorrow in his eyes notwithstanding.
They each lay on their sides, facing each other.
"Ready?"
"Undress," he husked as a response.
"Only if you do the same."
Both were nude in a matter of seconds, breathing harshly in anticipation. They took their time touching themselves the way their spouses would, learning to love themselves the way their spouses loved them. Each time, the instructions they gave each other were more daring. Though they weren't touching each other for real, it was far more intimate than they both had originally thought.
Severus got teary-eyed at one point, which caused Skyrah to stop altogether and put a hand on his cheek. She stroked it and didn't continue pleasuring herself until he assured her that he was okay. Seeing him come undone a few minutes later was the final push to reach her climax. She was yet to catch her breath when he felt his arms pulling her into him, initiating the cuddles he'd denied her earlier.
"How are you feeling?" she asked him after cleaning the mess with some spells.
"I'm better than I thought I'd ever be on a Halloween night. I haven't drunk. I don't want to right now. I only want to hold you. I didn't know I had it in me to overcome that. It happened thanks to you."
"Thanks to yourself. You cared enough for you not to succumb to alcohol, something that shamed you. I'm immensely proud of you."
Severus kissed her forehead and played with her hair even though he didn't share her view.
"I owe you an apology."
"Whatever for?"
Rather than with words, he answered with actions, by putting his hand on her womb.
"Oh, that. You weren't feeling okay. I won't hold it against you. Our baby's death pains you just as much as it pains me. There's nothing to forgive." She took the hand that was on her womb and brought it to her mouth to drop a kiss on it.
Skyrah was nearly asleep when Severus stirred and asked if she'd heard it.
"Heard what?"
"Someone's knocking."
Severus pulled on his trousers, scowling. "Whoever it is, I'll tell them not to bother us at such an hour."
"It might be important."
"If it were that important, Albus or Minerva would tell us, and it'd be through the floo network. I bet it is a Gryffindor. Only those dunderheads would dare come here so late. I don't care what Minerva says. I'll deduct as many House points as I see fit."
Skyrah decided to join him to reason with him, in case the punishment happened to be severe. It wasn't like she expected him to act rationally that night.
Most people would have been sure that nobody was behind the door, yet the Snapes knew who'd knocked. Severus didn't scowl anymore. It was a Gryffindor, all right, but the Gryffindor House wouldn't be losing points that night.
"I can't sleep. I keep having nightmares," said Harry, removing his invisibility cloak after they shut the door. "Nobody's seen me. I promise."
Severus offered to get some dreamless sleep potion and gave Skyrah a look, silently asking her to take care of the boy while he retrieved it. It was clear Harry required her motherly skills.
"I'm sorry I woke you," started Harry, once he was alone with Skyrah. He'd lowered his head. "I should cope with bad dreams on my own, like everyone else does, and not come to you."
Skyrah brought Harry into her arms. He fell into them willingly and closed his eyes when she began to caress his untidy hair.
"You lost your parents on this date. It's okay to feel sad and have nightmares. It's okay to seek help, sweetheart. Severus and I will help you in any way we can."
Harry melted into her soothing hug and voice, seeking her warmth like a toddler would.
"I sometimes feel like I'm a burden."
"Would we have allowed you in if you'd been a burden to us?" She kissed his forehead and pulled back. "Please don't believe you bother us in any way. We're very fond of you, Harry."
He smiled against her shoulder.
Severus returned with the potion. The small, thankful smile Harry gave him was enough for Severus to feel like maybe he hadn't entirely failed Lily.
"I hope the potion works," said Harry, taking the vial. "It's a memory more than a nightmare. I was very young, but I hear my mother screaming, and I see the green light."
Severus paled. He'd found the corpse but hadn't been there when the killing took place. To learn that Harry had that as his first memory was heartbreaking. No wonder the boy couldn't sleep.
"It will prove to be effective nonetheless. Worry not," Severus said, still disturbed.
"I'm very sorry for the pain my father's caused you," followed Skyrah.
"You aren't anything like him."
Although she didn't believe so herself, Skyrah was relieved to hear his words. "Will you stay the night here?"
Harry shook his head. "If my dorm mates wake up, they'd wonder where I am. Going back is safer."
Soon after an exchange of goodnights which involved more sweet words and hugs, the Snapes were left alone and very awake. Severus kept staring at the door.
"A knut for your thoughts," said Skyrah.
"I see a lot of Lily in him."
"What is it he got from her?"
Severus turned his head to her. "Do you really want to listen to me talking about her?"
"She's part of you, like Daniel's part of me. She's part of Harry. She should be the protagonist today, remember? Not pain and regrets." Not jealousy, she thought, though a part of her did feel envious of the fact that Lily had been in Severus's heart for years, while she had come into his life last summer.
Severus told her about the similarities that extended far beyond the brightest, greenest eyes he'd ever seen. Their bravery, loyalty, and morality were traits which drove them to protect others, even if it meant putting themselves in danger. Their selflessness, humility, and sincerity in a world filled with so much selfishness, so many lies.
"Sometimes Harry speaks, and I can't help but imagine it's Lily speaking through him."
"She lives through him, Severus. It's a beautiful, if tragic thought. As long as Harry is here, Lily won't have truly left your side. As long as you keep her memory alive, she won't be truly gone."
Although it wasn't solace enough, it helped. He went to sleep with that thought in mind, thankful Skyrah hadn't allowed him to spend the night on his own.
It had been the first Halloween night in years he hadn't drunk until intoxication.
HALLOWEEN, 1996
Severus woke to his wife's kisses all over his face and whispers of not letting him grieve on his own. His hands found her cheeks and inclined her head so that their lips would meet in a brief yet loving peck.
"Skyrah, you needn't worry about me."
"Considering that last year–" His fingers on her mouth silenced her.
"I've had time to mull over everything. You were right. It's a day to honor her. I still blame myself for her death, but I'm learning to love myself. You're helping me. I was hoping we could repeat our mutual masturbation session tonight."
She raised an eyebrow. "You enjoyed it?"
"It was cathartic to touch myself the way you wished to touch me. Not to mention, your pleasuring yourself is a sight to behold."
Skyrah smacked his shoulder playfully and let out a laugh, one Severus found contagious.
"I'm going to ask Harry if he'd like to visit his parents' grave. If he needs privacy, I'll grant it. I hope he doesn't mind me being there. Sharing that moment would mean a lot to me. I also thought I could tell him a few anecdotes about his mother, simple things that I remember clearly, and that Harry would like to learn about."
Skyrah kissed his chest. "That is exactly what you should do."
It was exactly what he did.
Harry didn't push him away. In front of his parents' grave, he became open and vulnerable to Severus and told him that he felt guilty. He should miss his parents more, or that was his sensation.
"When we grow up lacking something, we tend not to miss it because we are used to living without that. Sometimes, it isn't until you come face to face with what you lacked that you realize you have always missed it."
"What is it you didn't know you'd missed?" asked Harry, drying his face.
"A family. It took me over thirty years to find a real one. I thought children weren't for me, and now…"
"You can't imagine your life without Skyrah and Corbin."
"They are my life."
Harry would have given anything for Severus to have included him in that list. He controlled his feelings and said that, perhaps, he was a bad son.
"Why would you make such a claim?" asked Severus, cocking an eyebrow.
"I can't imagine my life without you and your family. I think I wouldn't value you so much if I'd had a normal childhood. I hear my classmates complaining about their parents all the time. I sometimes feel like shaking some sense into them. They don't realize the treasure they have. I don't know if I'd have turned out like them if my parents had lived. A part of me is fine with their deaths because I like appreciating and being close to you all, and that wouldn't have happened if they'd been alive. That's why I am a bad son."
Severus put a hand on Harry's shoulder. "You are looking for the bright side of a tragedy. A coping mechanism doesn't make you a bad son."
"Have you got a coping mechanism for her death?"
"Fighting for the cause she defended is my way to cope. Knowing I'm doing something good for her, even if she's gone," he said, his voice low. His other coping mechanism, getting drunk, wouldn't come out of his mouth. He was ashamed to admit such a thing, and with Skyrah in his life, drowning his pain in alcohol was something he'd stopped doing anyway.
"You loved her, didn't you? Before Skyrah, it was my mum."
Severus stared at his shoes for a moment. It wasn't an easy topic to discuss, much less with Lily's son himself. "Does that make you uncomfortable?"
"Not because of the reasons you might think. It's weird to think about you being with somebody who isn't Skyrah. You're made for each other."
"Made for each other… I never thought I'd find someone who loved me as purely and genuinely as Skyrah does."
"Well, you found her and married her," said Harry.
The corners of Severus's mouth twitched into the beginning of a smile. "My students are still in shock by my marriage, even more for the fact that their dear Defense professor happens to be my wife."
"They don't really know you two. Besides, why would you care about their opinion? Aren't they dunderheads?" Harry's question elicited a full smile from Severusd. "I'd love to have what you have, sometime in the future. I'd like to know what it's like to be loved by a girl like Skyrah loves you; and to love her in return as much as you do Skyrah."
Severus closed his eyes momentarily, picturing her warm smile and touch, and those eyes that saw inside his soul and found nothing to be disgusted with. "I often wonder what it is I did to have such a wonderful person in my life. For once in my life, I got lucky. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me."
Harry didn't say that the best thing that ever happened to him was living with the Snapes. He didn't find it proper, with the Potters' remains so close.
"Did my mother know you had feelings for her?"
Severus eyed the gravestone with Lily's name. "I cannot tell for sure. I didn't confess, and I tried to hide it from her. Mind you? My spying skills hadn't been developed yet. I wasn't particularly subtle and Occlumency wasn't an art I had mastered. Nevertheless, she never made a comment which hinted at her knowing."
"Why would you hide it?"
"I used to hang out with future Death Eaters. I felt pressured by them. Being her friend alone put me in a complicated position."
"So you and Mum never… you know?" Harry screwed his eyes shut for a moment. "Sorry. It's too personal and this isn't the best of places to discuss this. You don't have to tell me. Maybe it's better if I don't know."
"You'll always wonder if I don't tell you. Your mother and I never even kissed once."
"But there was a time you'd have liked it. You loved her that way."
"I cannot deny that. She viewed me as a friend, a brother, even. Petunia wasn't the sister Lily needed, after all. She did her best to have a good relationship with your aunt. Petunia isn't easy dealing with, though."
"You mean you could've been my uncle if you and Mum had been on the right terms and my parents had survived? We'd have been family," he said with a smile.
"I'm afraid your father–"
"Would have had to accept you, because my mum and I would have adored you, and you'd have adored us."
Severus briefly caressed Harry's cheek with his knuckles. It was a simple touch that made Harry feel loved.
"I definitely would have adored you two. I still love Lily. I always will. She was the first person who looked up to me, and who treated me like I deserved respect. How can I stop loving her?"
Harry nodded in understanding, eyeing the lily Severus had taken from his garden and brought for his dead mother. "I think she'd be proud of the man you are today. I'm proud," said Harry, looking at him with those big green eyes.
Severus believed him. He told Harry stories of his mother then. Some made Harry teary-eyed. Others got him chuckling. He made sure to say that James Potter had loved Harry – Severus had seen the family once, in Diagon Alley, and pretended not to see them. James had been boasting about his son, doting on him, and making Lily laugh. It was something Harry appreciated knowing, especially after discovering James had bullied Severus when they were young.
By the time Severus got back to his chambers, a burden had been lifted from his shoulders. A rattling sound was the first thing he heard, followed by the sisters' voices. He lay on the doorway, observing them.
"I love how he smiles when we play like this," said Dione, bringing a wooden rattle shaped like an owl near the baby, and then far away. She was lying on the sofa, her head on Skyrah's lap. Corbin, in turn, was lying on his tummy, on Dione's torso.
"He's very perceptive of sound. You should see him when Severus reads to him. He could read the dictionary. It wouldn't matter. He'd have Corbin's attention," explained Skyrah with a small laugh, eyes locked with Severus.
She tilted her head in an invitation to make his presence known.
"His voice is soothing," said Dione. "His lectures and classes would be a pleasure if he weren't so harsh."
"I do not intend for my class to be pleasant but educational and practical."
Dione groaned and looked at Corbin. "Dear nephew, would you do me a favor?"
Corbin gurgled and reached for one of her red curls, fascinated by how it bounced.
"Your dad, who happens to be my teacher and therefore assesses my potioneering skills, has just caught me criticizing his class. I'd appreciate it if you did something adorable that drew his attention so that I could leave unnoticed."
Dione pretended not to hear a muffled chuckle from her sister.
"I'll pass you to your dad," Dione said, sitting up. "Ready?"
Corbin opened and closed his fists, smiling up at her.
Yes. That was cute. Dione hoped Corbin would continue doing that for a while.
Severus took Corbin into his arms. A kiss dropped onto the baby's forehead.
"Shouldn't you be leaving now that Corbin's distracting me?" teased Severus.
"He isn't distracting you enough. And I wanted to apologize. I didn't mean to offend you. I know that you've got a role to play."
"I wasn't offended," was all Severus said.
"Thank Merlin… How are you? It's been a while since we last talked." At Severus's intense gaze, Dione shifted in her seat, getting nearer Skyrah. "Am I intruding?"
"You are not," he assured after clearing his throat. "I am not used to being asked that question by someone who is not my wife. I should have expected a Hufflepuff like you to ask me and mean it." There was no disdain in his voice, no arrogance in his eyes. Dione simply smiled at him, a smile that reminded him of Skyrah. "I feel much better than I thought I would today. Thank you for your genuine interest."
As he asked her about her well-being, Skyrah watched them all with a gentle smile on her face. Dione didn't stay long, though. Her friends would wonder where she had been and ask uncomfortable questions. With her poor lying skills, it wasn't advisable.
"He's sleepy," whispered Severus, tilting his head towards Corbin. So Skyrah followed them to Corbin's bedroom and sang to him the lullaby that induced him to sleep. For a while, neither said anything. They watched their baby take gentle breaths.
"He's the most beautiful person on Earth," whispered Skyrah, laying her hand on top of Severus's.
Severus didn't disagree. He could spend all night watching his baby, thinking how lucky he was to have him.
"I marvel at the thought that you and I made him. It is still difficult to love myself, yet when I look at him and remember that he's my flesh and blood, so perfect, it helps me see myself in a different light. I am capable of good."
"You were capable of good before Corbin was born too." Skyrah brought his hand to her mouth, in which she planted a kiss, and gently dragged him to their bedroom. "Did it go well?" she asked, leaving the door ajar.
"Going with Harry was the best choice."
"Good." She pecked his lips. "And you didn't lie to Dione? You're okay?"
"I can bear Lily's death and the guilt that comes with it so long as Corbin, Harry, and you stay with me."
"Do you need to cry?"
"I already cried. I hope Harry hasn't noticed."
"He wouldn't make you feel bad for grieving for his mum."
"Regardless, showing so much vulnerability…"
"You show it to me."
"You're different. Harry sees us as his protectors. I need to be strong for him."
"There is no weakness in showing emotions, or so my mum has always said… It's the contrary of what Father believes. I'm on her side. It's healthy for Harry to see that even those who protect him cry, sometimes. It's the same for Corbin. He's just a baby now, but as he grows up, I'd like him to see that we all live through ups and downs. He needs to learn we can overcome those obstacles. Showing vulnerability isn't wrong. It makes us stronger. In fact, it takes a lot of trust to show that side of ourselves to others. How can that be a weakness?"
Severus smiled sadly. "You're so very wise, my wife."
She clicked her tongue. "I was raised by Ravenclaws." Tentatively, she asked, "Do you need to drink?"
"I thought we were about to repeat last year's experience. It is a much more pleasurable tradition than reaching an inebriate state, if you ask me."
Skyrah licked her lips and pushed him down to bed.
HALLOWEEN, 1997
"Do you wish for us to accompany you?"
Severus was watching Hogwarts' grounds from his tower, in his headmaster's office. No student was outside. There were no celebrations for the first time in Hogwarts' history.
"It is something I would rather do with Harry or alone," he replied, not turning to look at his wife.
Skyrah understood. She got by his side and rested her head on his shoulder, silently inviting him to drape an arm around her and Corbin, held by Skyrah herself.
"Take all the time you need, all right?"
A brief kiss later, Skyrah and Corbin exited the office.
By the time Severus returned from Godric's Hollow, it was past dinnertime. Skyrah was in the studio, grading fourth-year essays. She wasn't focused enough, for she immediately raised her head and locked eyes with him. She rose from her seat and hastened to hug him tightly and warmly.
"I feel like I'm failing Lily. I can't keep Harry safe."
Skyrah wished she could tell him that they were keeping Harry safe, but she wouldn't lie to Severus. Death Eaters were hunting the boy. The two-way mirror wouldn't protect him if the danger was real. To make matters worse, Harry had to die if Voldemort was to be vanquished. Dumbledore had said so. Harry was Voldemort's last horcrux.
"How can you love me?" Severus asked her, still hugging her.
"How can I not? You turn your regrets into opportunities to become better and are so very brave. Despite all the suffering, your heart knows when to forgive and let go, when to give others a chance. You proved it by learning to love Harry and Eileen. You're a great father, son, friend, and husband, so devoted and loyal, so intelligent and pragmatic, witty and funny–"
"Funny?"
"I like your sarcasm and dry humor."
"Thank Merlin."
Skyrah let out a chuckle, and Severus began to relax.
"Thank Merlin you love me," he rasped.
They remained embraced in silence for the longest time.
When she began to unbutton his robes, he stopped her. "I thought we could watch but not touch."
He received the naughty smile he'd sought.
HALLOWEEN, 1999
Severus woke up to the sound of a cry. He immediately turned around to face his wife. In the darkness, he had to trace her arm and shoulder, and up towards her wet cheek.
"Skyrah, it was a nightmare. Just a nightmare. We won the war. Our family is safe. I'm with you."
That chant had become a routine. Nightmares came unexpectedly and always revolved around death and misery and frightening what-ifs. Skyrah gripped his arm strongly, and he knew, this time, a nightmare hadn't woken her up. Alarmed, Severus grabbed his wand from under the pillow and cast a lumos. Her hands rested on her big belly.
"I've got contractions, and they aren't stopping."
He would've smiled if it weren't for the fact that she was crying, and not in happiness.
"She's going to be born today of all days. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Her words slowly dawned on him. One of the dates that had brought him the most pain could very well be the day his daughter chose to come into this world. A thousand contradictory emotions flashed behind his eyes as Skyrah kept apologizing.
"Shh…" He kissed her sweaty forehead. "It is nobody's fault. Nobody's fault. Let's not think about the date now. I'll take you to Spinner's End. No students will come banging on our door. We'll have privacy. I'll inform Minerva and Poppy, and tell Harry to please look after Corbin." It was just their luck that it was Sunday, and, consequently, no auror training would take place and Harry would be free to babysit his little brother. "Everything will be fine. I'll pick up all the necessary potions. I'll choose some books from our library so that I can read to you while your body gets ready for childbirth. I'll get as many pillows as possible and–"
A long kiss cut him off. "How I love you."
Forehead to forehead, noses touching, he whispered that he loved her too.
They got a scare when Skyrah bled so much she lost consciousness for a moment, but Severus's potions were efficient, and Poppy was competent. By the end of it, Skyrah wasn't as fatigued as she'd been with Corbin, for the labor hadn't been so long. She was crying just as much, though, blissful tears Severus kissed away. It was Halloween. He should have thought of Lily, but he hadn't. Not yet.
Poppy was about to hand the wailing baby to her mother when Skyrah shook her head. "Let Severus hold her first."
Poppy followed instructions, being mindful of Brenna's little head. How could he think about something else than his newborn, and her perfect nose, lips, and cheeks? So innocent and pure, so small in his arms.
"My shiny little crow," he crooned, kissing her forehead. At the familiar sound of his voice, the baby calmed down. "I have waited so long to meet you. I love you. I will love you forever."
He barely heard Skyrah asking Poppy not to leave yet. Otherwise, little Corbin would drag Harry upstairs and, excited as Skyrah was about the siblings' meeting, she'd rather spend some tranquil moments with the new family member.
"You're a lucky one," he said. "You've got a loving family. We'll always support you and love you. Look at that smile." A mere reflex, but Severus was marveled anyway, mirroring her smile. "You're beautiful. So, so beautiful. Perfection. You would kick when I danced with your mum. You love music, don't you? I'll teach you how to dance." A laugh from Skyrah stopped him. "Something funny?"
"You're talkative today."
He'd been rather silent with newborn Corbin, in awe. Now he was in awe, too, but he knew how to hold a baby, how to interact with her, and he dared. "Should I stop?"
"Not at all. I love watching you with her, so unguarded. You're the best of dads."
Skyrah's words got Severus teary-eyed. He glanced at Poppy, a bit uncomfortable, but she simply smiled at him, and he forced himself to not repress any emotion. Not then and there with these people.
"Did you hear her, Brenna? She's convinced I'm a good dad. I will certainly give my best. But I think it's time you meet your mother properly." He sat beside Skyrah and put Brenna on her chest so that the baby could listen to her mum's heartbeat. Poppy was watching with a hand on her heart.
"My sweet baby, we did it. You're finally here. I'm so glad you're here," said Skyrah, doing a horrible job of keeping her tears at bay. "Your dad's right. You're incredibly beautiful." She caressed the baby's head, occasionally laying kisses on it. "Everything this family went through to meet you was worth it. You're so worth it. I love you, Brenna. I'm sorry I said so many swearwords while giving birth to you." The last bit made Severus and Poppy chuckle. When he kissed Skyrah's temple, she feared her heart would burst out of her chest from all the emotion inside her. "Sweetheart, do you see her?" asked Skyrah, pointing at Poppy. "She's a medi-witch, your aunt, and your brother's godmother. She helped us bring you to this world. Can you grab her finger to thank her?" As she asked the question, she moved one of Brenna's little arms so that Poppy would bring her index finger close.
It didn't fail to make Poppy smile. It took her a while to collect herself and fetch Corbin and Harry. Skyrah and Severus observed the tender siblings' meeting, committing it to memory. What they felt at that moment was the definition of bliss. Neither wanted it to end. Unfortunately, the brothers weren't the only ones eager to meet Brenna Eileen Snape. Corbin and Harry had to leave after 'I love yous' were said and kisses were given so as to floo-call relatives and friends.
"I think it was a bit difficult to get pregnant this time because Brenna wanted to give us something to be happy about on Halloween," said Harry right before leaving.
Skyrah kissed a tear that had unexpectedly trickled down Severus's cheek as he traced Brenna's jaw.
"You were worried about me, about how I'd react to the fact that my daughter's birthday is on the 31st of October."
"I was. I still am, a bit. Not only about you but also about Harry," confessed Skyrah. "If destiny exists, it's mocking us. So many days in a year, and yet, a Halloween baby."
"I don't see it that way. Our son is right. She's a blessing. It's as though she somehow knew that we are sad on this day, and she wanted to remedy that by turning it into one of the best days of my and Harry's life."
"You mean that?"
Severus gave her a nod.
Skyrah smiled, now convinced, and kissed the newborn's nose. "Brenna Eileen Snape, you've already won your daddy's heart. From this moment on, you'll have him wrapped around your finger."
The truth was Brenna had had him wrapped around her finger long before that day.
More visits came. Dione and Andraste stayed a bit longer, watching over Skyrah, Brenna, and Corbin while Severus and Harry visited the Potters' grave. It had become a tradition by then. Harry would listen to the anecdotes Severus told him about Lily, no matter if he was already familiar with them, like Corbin listened to his dad when he read bedtime stories.
"You'll have to forgive me," Skyrah told Severus once everybody was sleeping at home.
"For what?"
"I should rest, not have any kind of sex, not even solo."
Severus kissed her long, so passionately Skyrah almost drew back to repeat that she shouldn't masturbate after having given birth. It was too soon.
"If you're in the mood–"
He pecked her lips to silence her. "We'd do that because we were learning to love ourselves."
"And you've learned already?"
"There's been a considerable process. Seeing the family we made helps a lot. Don't you love yourself? You're a wonderful wife, mother, daughter, and sister; a wonderful person."
Skyrah smiled at him and gave him a nod. "Much more than years ago."
"Then rest, my heart. You deserve it. I'll cuddle with you. We can delay our voyeuristic session and do it once there is no risk for you if we deem it necessary… or not. Just because we are much better at loving ourselves, it doesn't mean we should stop doing that."
"Voyeuristic?"
"Or exhibitionistic. It depends on your point of view. There is something very intimate and erotic about pleasuring myself in front of you, and watching you do the same."
"There is," she agreed, pulling him down to bed. "I truly love you."
"And I you, my heart. Now close your eyes. It is time to get your much-deserved rest."
"Last time I gave birth, you said I snored like a walrus. As a historian I must warn you: history tends to repeat itself, and that isn't only a saying but the truth. I'll snore very loudly."
"I'm not intimidated."
Skyrah laughed and kissed the tip of his nose.
HALLOWEEN, 2004
The Snape family went trick-or-treating round the neighborhood. The youngest ones had insisted that they should dress up as story villains. Muggle, evidently, or else their neighbors wouldn't understand their outfits. For no other reason but his children would Severus be in a gryffindor red coat (of Minerva's courtesy), pirate hat, and a distinctive hook in his hand. The scowl wasn't entirely fake, but he wouldn't tell Corbin and Brenna that. Harry was wearing a Smee costume just to tease Severus and make his siblings laugh. He'd even tied a cushion around his middle section to make it look as if he weighed more.
Skyrah wore a muggle witch costume instead of actual witch robes. She'd changed the buttons for gummy bears and added lollipops on her hat. She'd taken a broomstick and transfigured it so that it resembled a huge candy cane she used to walk. All the children who spotted her screamed: "Hansel and Gretel's witch!" What other villain could she have chosen with her sweet tooth? Severus hadn't had any doubts.
Corbin had opted for the Sheriff of Nottingham. Skyrah and Minerva had been of help: Skyrah by dictating robes historically accurate and Minerva by making them come true with her transfiguration skills. They had added a badge that stated he was the Sheriff. He carried a leather pouch with chocolate money within and threatened his muggle neighbors with imposing new taxes if they didn't give him and his sister, the Evil Queen, their treats.
The Snapes had now knocked on Hickman's door. This was a trusted muggle neighbour, an old man the children had met in the soup kitchen, which they never failed to assist in every Christmas Day.
"You know who's the scariest one of all, lad," Hickman replied to Corbin, chuckling. "Taxes. The real monster, especially when politicians keep the money for themselves. You've certainly earned them."
He was about to give the desired treats to the boy when Severus cleared his throat and tilted his head towards Brenna. She'd lifted her trick-or-treat bag, which was red as an apple and looked like it had green poison on it.
"Oh, right." Hickman put the treats inside. "For you all."
"What do you say, kids?" prompted Skyrah.
"Thank you," said Brenna and Corbin at the same time.
The trick-or-treating route of story villains went on for a while. Back at home, it took mere minutes for Brenna and Corbin to fall asleep. No lullabies or tales were necessary. It was a good thing they were this tired, or else, they'd have asked their parents for permission to eat some of the Halloween treats they'd collected even though they'd already eaten Brenna's birthday cake.
In front of the fireplace, Skyrah enveloped Harry in a hug and thanked him for coming over. "It meant a lot to your siblings… And to me. We miss you here, even if we couldn't be happier to know you're happily married and expecting a baby."
Harry smiled and extracted himself from the embrace. "I wouldn't have missed this for anything in the world."
Severus was about to shake his hand as a farewell when Harry spoke, "I'm going to my parents' graves before going home. Would you like to come with me? After that, we could have a drink and talk, you know, father to son, son to father. I need your advice more than ever now that I'm about to become a dad myself. I know this muggle pub; nobody would recognize us."
Skyrah thought he'd refuse to drink with Harry on this date of all days.
To her surprise, a very resolute Severus said, "Not dressed like we have just come out of a famous muggle novel."
That was the moment Skyrah and Severus knew that he had made it: Severus loved himself enough to drink a beer with his son without fearing that, manipulated by the ghosts of repentance and grief, he'd turn into Tobias. Halloween hadn't been the worst day of the year for a long time now. Nor would it ever be.