Season 2, Episode 15:
"All's Fair at the Fair"
Featuring the voices of:
BARRY GORDON as Kenma
VENUS TERZO as Ranko
JUNE FORAY as Cologne
WILLOW JOHNSON as Kasumi
MYRIAM SIROIS as Akane
ROBERT O. SMITH as Genma
DAVID KAYE as Soun
CATHY WESELUCK as Shampoo
TERRY MACGOVERN as Jinn
IAN JAMES CORLETT as Goldfish Vendor
and MARK HILDRETH as Akimitsu
NOTE: Akimitsu is a new character that I came up with to pair off with Akane, because, as I've made clear, Ranma X Akane sure as hell won't be a thing in my fanfictions. He's not a martial artist [because we're ALREADY stuffed to the gills with martial artists as it is, but more of a "Casey Jones" type who fights using sports equipment. Character-wise, I was inspired by the earlier version of Yamcha, specifically his characterization during the very first arc. Figure I can get some funny interactions between Akane and a boy who ISN'T into leering and drooling over pretty girls [I know, in Nerima that's as rare as a peaceful day]. Also, maybe he'll help her loosen up and learn not to be such a prude.
Previously...
"I just came by to see if my future great-grandson-in-law was available," acknowledged Cologne.
Ranma just shrugged. "He's busy right now," he told her. "I'll pass it along for ya."
Cologne rubbed her chin in thought. "My son-in-law definitely cares for you, does he not?" she inquired.
"I guess," Ranma responded. "I mean, we ARE brothers...and we look out for each other."
"Ah, of course," nodded Cologne as she took the information in. Before Ranma could even react, she immediately gave Ranma a quick poke in the upper-right-side region of his abdomen.
A chill traveled up Ranma's spine, but he shook it off. "What was that for just now?" he asked.
"Oh, nothing," Cologne smirked. "Merely a taste of what is to come. Once your brother learns of this, he'll be begging me to let him marry only Shampoo."
And once more, she pogoed away, leaving Ranma standing there by himself.
"...seriously, why was she even here?" he asked out loud. Shaking his head, he went back into the house; from the way he felt, he could swear he was starting to smell a bit ripe.
When Ranma started washing himself in the tub, however, he found a nasty surprise.
"OW! TOO HOT! TOO HOT!" he screamed. For some strange reason, any sort of hot water, even LUKEWARM, felt absolutely scalding against his skin!
Winceing, he had to dump cold water on himself, turning into Ranko. Seconds after she did this, there were fast-moving footfalls approaching the bathroom.
Immediately, Kenma burst inside. "Ranma! What's wrong?" he asked, his tone alert.
"I was trying to take a bath..." responded Ranko, shivering. "...but the water's too damn hot!"
Kenma walked over and put his hand into the tub, swishing it around. "Strange...it's lukewarm," he muttered. "But how could this be?"
Suddenly, Ranko snapped her fingers in realization. "The old woman from earlier!" she exclaimed. "She jabbed me with her cane a little while ago...I thought she was just trying to rile me up...but clearly she did something to me..."
Kenma turned to face Ranko. "Old woman...you don't mean—" he started. Before he could continue, there came a weathered chuckle from the windowsill. As it opened, the diminutive old lady from earlier poked her head inside.
"YOU!" Kenma spat, as though his words were laced with venom. "What th' hell did you do?"
"Whassamatter, sonny?" Cologne wheezed. "Water too hot for ya t'handle? The pressure-point I touched makes your entire body as sensitive as a cat's tongue! And from now on, even the most lukewarm of waters will be absolutely scalding."
"And—you guys in the audience have probably already guessed this—but if Ranko can't splash herself with hot water, then she can't turn back into a guy!" Kenma exclaimed. "So THAT was your plan, you doddering old codger!"
Cologne smirked. "I'll give your brother the antidote," she replied. "But ONLY if you promise to marry Shampoo."
"How about I trade you?" Kenma growled. "ONE KNUCKLE SANDWICH, HOLD THE MUSTARD!"
Winding up his fist, he swung at Cologne, who just knocked him backwards into the wall, and left.
"Remember, child," the elderly woman called. "Unless you agree, then your brother will stay a woman FOREVER! He shall NEVER become a man again!"
And now, we begin our next escapade:
CAN'T HARDLY WAITRESS
or
PILLING THEM SOFTLY
Ranko angrily clenched her fists. "No...NO, IT CAN'T BE TRUE!" she shouted as she leapt into the tub.
"RANMA, NO!" Kenma yelled, but his warning came too late; seconds after Ranko submerged herself, her screams of agony rang out across the building.
"GUAAAAAAAAAAGH! IT'S TOO HOT...!"
And everything went black.
... ... ...
An undisclosed amount of time later, Ranko regained consciousness, and shot up in bed. Well, it was actually a sleeping bag, and she found herself now dressed in a see-through periwinkle nightgown.
"Good...you're awake," Kenma smiled. "Here I was worried for ya."
Ranko raised an eyebrow at her brother. "How come?" she asked, before looking down at her unwanted clothing. "...and WHAT the HELL am I wearing?!"
"First off, you passed out from the pain of the hot water," Kasumi explained.
"And second, that would be one of my nightgowns," Nabiki added. "I'd be kinda jealous. Personally, you wear it very nicely~"
"But I'm a GUY!" Ranko spat.
"Well right now, you're a girl," Nabiki responded. "So lighten up, eh? That color suits you!"
Kasumi nodded. "It does look really cute. Plus, you HAVE been spending a lot of time as a girl lately." she chimed in.
"IT HASN'T BEEN MY CHOICE, THAT'S FOR DAMNED SURE!" Ranko shouted. "I MIGHT HAVE A PAIR OF TITS, BUT NO MATTER WHAT, I'M STILL A GUY IN SPIRIT!"
... ... ...
Later, Ranko and Kenma were out for a walk; and Ranko was stewing over her predicament.
Man...I get stuck as a girl, and they all think it's just a big joke! she thought to herself. All they ever do is laugh at my misery, like I'm some kind of cosmic-level loser...dammit, Ken, PLEASE hurry up and find a way to cure me!
DON'T YOU THINK I'M TRYING, DAMMIT?! Kenma's voice boomed back in her head. This shit isn't easy! I AM TRYING TO HELP YOU, RANMA! SO PLEASE GET THE FUCK OFF MY BACK AND QUIT HASSLING ME!
A long, uncomfortable silence passed between the two siblings, before both siblings tried to apologize at once.
"Ken, I'm sorry. I get that this has to be difficult, and I don't want to be pushing you—"
"...Ranma, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have flipped out like that, It's just...I wanna help, but this—"
Upon realizing that they were trying to apologize simultaneously, they both stopped. But before they could try again, they overheard a shout.
"RANMA SAOTOME! PREPARE TO DEFEND YOURSELF!" exclaimed Kuno as he ran up the street. "Pusilanimous fiend...!"
"I got this," Kenma said as he got into a stance, and put his left hand up, pointing a finger at Kuno. "ALL SYSTEMS: FULL POWER!"
A thin orange beam of energy fired from Kenma's fingertip and shot forth, catching Kuno in the chest and knocking him on his back.
"...and THAT is taken care of," Kenma remarked as he dusted his hands off. Before they can walk away, both siblings hear the sound of a bicycle bell ringing. Turning around, they see Shampoo on a bicycle, running over Kuno as she made her way over to them.
"Ranma! Airen!" called the purple-haired girl, waving to Ranma and Kenma. As she got closer, Kenma noticed she was wearing a pink hoodie, bike shorts, and periwinkle sneakers.
"First off, love the new look," he complimented the purple-haired girl. "And second, what brings you by here?"
"Well, turns out there's a cure for the Full-Body Cat's Tongue hex!" beamed Shampoo.
Before she could blink, Kenma was right in front of her, grasping her shoulders. "...if you know something, then PLEASE, tell us!" he begged.
SHORTLY, IN THE GYM EQUIPMENT SHED...
"So it's called the 'Phoenix Pill'?" asked Ranko.
"Of COURSE!" Kenma remarked with a snap of his fingers. "The legendary bird that's reborn within flames! It all makes so much sense!"
Shampoo nodded. "Its heat resistance is second to none!" she chirped.
"So if I get this pill, I can change back into a guy again?" Ranko inquired. Off of Shampoo's nod, she continued asking questions. "So where is it? Where do I get it?"
"It's in great-gramma's possession; she should be at her restaurant, the Nekohanten, right about now," answered Shampoo. "But—"
Ranko didn't hear the rest. "Then if that's where I need to go, I'm glad you let me know!" she declared as she left the shed and headed off to the Cat Café, whooping and cheering all the way.
Kenma turned to Shampoo. "Not that I'm not grateful...but why did you tell Ranko about the Phoenix Pill?" he asked.
Shampoo smiled. "I know how dedicated you are to helping your brother, and I couldn't just let him suffer like that," she explained. "Plus, if you ask me, it been long time since Great-Grandmother been taken down a few pegs. I might not have been able to directly give him the pill, but I can at least give him something better: a fighting chance."
Kenma said nothing in response; he simply stood up, and hugged the purple-haired girl in response. "...thank you." he told her. After the hug was done, he led the purple-haired girl out of the shed.
"Now, we'd better go after Ranma," Kenma stated. "If I know him, he hasn't exactly charted out his road map to victory..."
LATER, OUTSIDE THE NEKOHANTEN...
WHAM! CRASH! KA-THWOM!
Ranko came flying out through the café's entrance for the seventh time in a row that afternoon, crashing into the outside wall and landing in a pile of garbage, just as Kenma and Shampoo arrived.
"Looks like you were right," noted Shampoo. "Your brother's taken the lion's share of thrashings..."
"Ranma, how long have you been at this?" inquired Kenma.
Ranko looked away dismissively. "Oh, one...or two times..." she responded. Kenma gave Ranko a look that seemed to ask "Really now? Are you SURE it was that many?"
The red-headed girl sighed in defeat. "...it was seven times..." she admitted.
"Well...shot in the dark, Ranma, have you considered using a different approach?" suggested Kenma.
"Like WHAT?" Ranko inquired.
Kenma gestured to a nearby sign on a telephone pole. It read:
WAITRESS WANTED
Inquire and Apply
at
Cat Café
Springing to her feet with renewed energies, Ranko hopped over and snapped up the sign. "A-ha!" she grinned to herself.
SUBSEQUENTLY...
"Yo! Ancient bag-o-bones!" called Ranko as she stepped into the Cat Café, getting Cologne's attention. "Is this ad legit? Can anyone apply?"
A weathered smile made its way onto Cologne's face. "In that case, consider yourself hired," she remarked, with a cackle.
We'll see who's laughing when I get that Phoenix Pill, you old relic, Ranko thought to herself.
... ... ...
The very next day, most of Nerima was abuzz about the Nekohanten, but namely a specific aspect of the restaurant itself.
"How about we get something to eat at the Cat Cafe?"
"Sounds good, I heard the waitress there's a total babe!"
"So you came to check her out, too?"
In fact, there was so much buzz that the line for the restaurant stretched out the door and halfway down the street! And inside the restaurant, most of the patrons were getting a good eyeful of Ranko, who was clad in a pink outfit with bell patterns all over it, and an apron as well.
"Thanks, come again!" she called to the departing patrons, before turning and greeting the ones who came inside. "Hi, welcome to the Nekohanten! I'm Ranko, and I'll be your server today!"
Cologne placed a freshly-filled bowl on the counter nearby. "One 5-flavor ramen ready to go, Brother-of-Son-in-Law." she informed.
"Okay~!" Ranko chirruped as she whirled around. And I'll take the Phoenix Pill to go with it, too! she thought as she lurched out to grab the necklace. But Cologne was at least five steps ahead of her, and her hands moved like lightning as Ranko grabbed for the pill. To the redhead's shock, she suddenly found there were now two more bowls in her hands.
"Whup! Try not to spill them, would you?" asked Cologne. "If you do, it'll come out of your salary~!"
Ranko fumed, biting back the urge to swear at the old woman as she continued swiping for the pill. The restaurant patrons watched in awe, as from their perspectives, it looked just like the bowls were floating in mid-air!
"That's the way, sonnyboy!" Cologne laughed, crowing.
"Three more bowls, incoming!" called a bespectacled man as he slid them out, while Cologne tossed them to Ranko, who caught all of them.
The patrons clapped in amusement; who'd have guessed they would be getting lunch AND a show that day?
"And take these to Table 4, would you?" asked Cologne. "Better get a move on, or you'll be drenched in boiling hot broth~!"
Ranko complied, but she was fuming something fierce as she carried the bowls off. "One a'these days, you old buzzard..." she seethed under her breath. "One a'these days...!"
Alas, it was NOT one of those days. Because this shit went on for about a whole week.
Ranko, baggy-eyed and absolutely bushed, trudged out of the dojo dressed in a yellow outfit, wobbling a few times as she left.
"I'm off to work..." she groaned, sounding like her soul had been siphoned from her body.
"Have a nice day!" Kasumi called out from the porch, as Ranko wobbled and stumbled away. "Do you think Ranma's been working himself too hard?"
"Do I think? No," responded Jinn. "Do I KNOW, however? Sure I do!"
Soun took a sip from his cup. "I hear the place has been quite popular since Ranma started working there," he commented.
"You heard correctly," Kenma nodded.
"I can't help but feel sorry for the poor sap," chimed in Nabiki. "The old lady's running him into the ground."
"And all because that ancient fossil is trying to get to ME!" Kenma fumed.
"With her as his boss, the boy must be working for every yen." said Soun. "...but this, too is part of his training."
"Lotta help you are," remarked Kenma dryly as he began putting on his shoes. "Maybe I shouldn't have suggested that job to start with..."
"Akane, aren't you at least a little concerned?" Kasumi inquired. "What with Ranma working at the cafe and all?"
"And why should I be concerned?" Akane retorted. "Let him do whatever he wants; hell, he can move in for all I care!"
"Well, I'm going to do something," Kenma declared as he stood up and cracked his knuckles. "Besides, I'd be a pretty crappy excuse for a brother if I didn't lend a hand in his time of need."
"That's the spirit, Kenma," Kasumi nodded. "...and Akane? You're going with him." she added.
"WHAT?!" Akane exclaimed. "Why should I?!"
"Simple, really: because I'm older than you, and it wasn't a request." Kasumi replied, never once straying from her kindly tone or letting the smile leave her face. And yet that made it feel even more unnerving.
A cold chill ran up Akane's spine. "...m-maybe I should go with you..." she told Kenma as she went to get redressed.
"I'm sorry, maybe?" Kasumi asked, raising an eyebrow slightly.
"I mean definitely! I'm DEFINITELY going with you!" Akane corrected herself as she scrambled up to her room.
"That's what I thought you said~" Kasumi replied with a sunny tone in her voice.
And so, Kenma and Akane went to the Nekohanten, only to find a surprise.
"Order up! Roast pork ramen, wonton soup, seven bowls total! Catch!"
To their bewilderment, they saw Ranko, running from table to table, balancing all seven bowls PLUS a teakettle, while the patrons applauded for this balancing act.
"...okay. I was mad before," Kenma stated calmly, his eyes trained on Cologne. "...but now?"
"NOW I'M REALLY PISSED OFF!" he bellowed.
"Give it up!" Akane insisted. "She's got you balancing bowls like some kind of trained monkey!"
Kenma cleared his throat in annoyance. "Dinky simile aside...you've played into her hands." he stated.
Ranko let out a boisterous laugh. "YOU AIN'T SEEN NUTHIN' YET!" she guffawed, seconds before she wobbled, swayed, and fell to the floor.
"Oh, crap!" Kenma exclaimed as he picked up Ranko's unconscious body and hoisted it over his right shoulder.
"Son-in-law?" called Cologne. "Come here for a moment!"
Kenma stuck out his left fist and raised the middle finger, but he complied anyway.
Seconds later, they were outside behind the restaurant; Cologne had lit a small fire nearby.
"If this is your idea of camping, antique-face, then I don't see the appeal." Kenma remarked.
"Not camping. Shampoo, hand me that bag," Cologne instructed. The purple-haired girl complied and gave her great-grandmother the bag, labeled SWEET CHESTNUTS.
"As you can see, I hold here a bag of chestnuts." she explained.
"And what am I, blind?" snapped Kenma.
Cologne popped him in the head with her cane before she dumped the entire bag of chestnuts into the fire. "Now watch carefully. You do that with your eyes, no mouth required." she informed.
Kenma scoffed, but he did watch closely. In an instant, Cologne began grabbing through the flames and plucking the chestnuts out like it was nothing! By the time she was done, all of the chestnuts were in her hands!
"It's a legendary technique," Shampoo smiled. "The Kachu Tenshin Amaguri-Ken!"
"What you've just witnessed is a technique developed over 3,000 years of Chinese amazon history," explained Cologne. "Even the last emperor of China lived in fear of it."
"Grabbing the chestnuts so fast that you don't even have a chance to feel the flames!" marvelled Akane. "That must take some incredible speed...!"
Cologne nodded. "If you can learn this technique, Son-in-Law, snatching the Phoenix Pill should be easy as pie," she said.
"If this is what it takes..." said Kenma. "Then I'll take a chance and I'll learn it. To save my bro!"
"That's what I like to see, some spirit," Cologne nodded, as she pogoed back to the kitchen, letting out a witchlike cackle.
"Great-grandma only gives hints to those she REALLY approves of," informed Shampoo. "You might just have this in the bag!"
"For Ranma's sake...I really do hope so..." Kenma said, radiating an aura of seriousness.
Join us after the break for the next part of our tale:
ALL'S FAIR AT THE FAIR
or
CARNIVAL KNOWLEDGE
And so, that evening...
Since they got home from the Nekohanten, and put Ranko to bed, Kenma had spent the last four hours trying to practice the Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken...which, now that he thought about it, needed a shorter, snappier name. In the time he spent saying the full thing, his opponent could just punch his lights out!
Maybe 'Roasted Chestnut Fist'? He'd circle back to that one and workshop it.
He'd gotten a little bit better, sure, but he just couldn't figure out how to work his way around that whole 'getting his hands burned' thing. So just how the hell was he going to get the pill for—
"What's become of you, Kenma?" a familiar gruff voice remarked, and Kenma's look of concentration remolded into one of pure agitated anger.
Fucking perfect...just what I needed today, ONE MORE HEMORRHOID ON MY PROVERBIAL ASS!
Glaring daggers, the mahogany-haired Saotome boy glanced up and saw the bespectacled face of Genma staring down at him.
"If you can't pluck a few lousy chestnuts from a fire, how can you be expected to carry on the Saotome School?!" Genma spat.
Kenma's left eye twitched. "...yes...of course, how could I have forgotten...?" he said in a quiet, but mocking tone. "After all, the ONLY thing that matters is carrying on the Saotome School...I mean, why should you care whether or not your firstborn son is stuck as a female for the rest of his life? I mean, it isn't like you've cared about either of us beyond what we could do for you, SO WHY THE HELL SHOULD I EXPECT YOU TO START CARING NOW?!"
Genma merely blinked. "I'm wondering why I didn't send you to a therapist..."
"Because, and I quote, 'therapists are for mental wimps who can't handle a little character-building in their lives and need to be coddled all the time, and real men bottle up their emotions'. Unquote." Kenma recited.
"Ah...that was it," Genma nodded. "Now watch and learn...I'll show you how a REAL MAN gets this done!"
And so, Genma proceeded to try his hand at the Roasted Chestnut Fist...only to not be fast enough and his sleeves to catch on fire.
"Ah! Oooh! Gwah! Hot! Hot! Hot!" he screamed as he ran around in circles.
Kenma just scoffed. Arrogant idiot, he thought. I knew he was even more hopeless than I am with this technique.
"Oh, yeah, great lesson, Dad," he mocked. "Show me how to set myself on fire when trying a technique where I'm NOT SUPPOSED TO GET BURNED!"
"Should I go fetch the burn kit?" asked Kasumi.
Kenma shook his head. "He isn't gonna learn if we coddle him, Kasumi, he's a man," he replied. "He has to tough it out and not cry about it like a whiny bitch!"
"Gonna take a whack and say this is payback for when he said those words to you too?" inquired Nabiki.
Kenma winked. "Right on the money, sweetie!" he replied, before kicking Genma into the pond.
"Yoo-hoo, Son-in-Law!" called Cologne, getting Kenma's attention.
"What is it now, you decrepit old fogey?" he snapped.
"Have you learned the technique yet?" asked Cologne.
"No, I haven't 'learned the technique yet'," Kenma mimicked, getting twice as agitated.
Cologne hopped down to the ground and waved the pill case. "Lookie-lookie, here's the Phoenix Pill~!" she crowed.
Now, to say Kenma was just 'agitated' would be putting it lightly. The stress of trying to figure out this technique had left him very, VERY pissed, and this old relic certainly wasn't helping matters.
"Don't...you...MOCK ME!" he roared as he began swiping and grabbing for the pill, but being blocked at every turn. By the time it was over, his hands were covered in rubber stamps that read "REJECT".
"Still too slow," Cologne smirked as she strode over to the flames. "I'll do this one more time, but only because you asked."
"I DID NOT ASK!" Kenma yelled. "I NEED HELP FROM YOU LIKE I NEED A HOLE IN MY HEAD!" he angrily took a rock and threw it at Cologne, who blocked it with a spin of her cane.
And so she proceeded to grab all the chestnuts from the flames with ease.
"You done now?" Kenma asked. "THEN PISS OFF, YOU OLD BUZZARD!"
"I suppose you're right, I left some noodles boiling," Cologne smiled as she bounced away. "We'll meet again, Son-in-Law~!"
Kenma clenched his fists, before slamming them down with a rage-filled scream. "GODDAMMIT! I'M NEVER GONNA GET THIS!" he roared, his eyes wet with tears of anger at his lack of success.
"That's some old lady you've gotten yourself mixed up with, Kenma," said Soun. "Perhaps you may have bitten off more than you can chew."
"I don't care," replied Kenma. "I have to get that Phoenix Pill! And to do that, I need to master the technique! If I don't, then I'll never be able to cure Ranma! If I can't save my own brother...THEN WHAT GOOD AM I?!"
Soun placed a hand on Kenma's shoulder. "Buck up, lad," he assured.
"Eh? What is it?" Kenma asked.
"Perhaps the fair will help brighten your future!" Soun beamed. "A night of fun at the midway booths will help you forget all this craziness! Have some squid on a stick, win a few prizes! What better way to forget your sorrows? It always works for me when I'm blue!"
"Y'know something, Mr. Tendo?" asked Kenma.
"What, Kenma?" asked Soun...right before he got brained by a boulder from the koi pond.
POW!
"YOU'RE A BLITHERING, BLUNDERING BLATHERSKITE!" Kenma yelled, his eyes glowing red like hot embers. "YOU REALLY THINK I NEED SOME STUPID FUN AND GAMES?! IDIOT!"
"Kenma...come with us to the fair, please~?" asked Nabiki. "You're all stressed out, and you can't win if you're too angry to think straight. You gotta take a break, rethink things, and with a clearer mind you'll be able to construct a new strategy."
At once, Kenma's eyes widened, and the red color faded from them as he rubbed his chin a few times before he smiled. "...say! That's actually a downright-nifty idea!" he beamed. "Nabiki...have I ever mentioned how incredible you are?"
"You could stand to mention it a little more often..." purred Nabiki with a wink. "But hey, whatever keeps your blood pressure down."
MOMENTS LATER, AT THE FAIR...
Kenma and Nabiki were walking around the place, admiring the sights and scenery around them while Akane walked by herself.
Well, it could be worse, the youngest Tendo daughter thought. I COULD have to babysit Ranma while I'm here...
Of course, she wasn't paying attention to her surroundings and accidentally bumped into somebody. When she shook her head in realization, she saw that she'd bumped into a dark-haired young man that was at least a year older than her. He wore a green T-shirt and orange pants, with blue sneakers.
"Gah, I'm sorry!" he exclaimed in shock as he got to his feet and helped Akane up. "I didn't mean to bump into you. I'm new here and I got lost in the crowd."
Akane blushed at her own failure to pay attention to her surroundings. "It's...it's fine, I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing," she insisted. "That's on me, not you."
"Still, I'm very sorry," the boy insisted. "Can I make it up to you? I'll pay for a snack or something!"
Akane hadn't expected this. In fact, she'd expected this guy to try and cop a feel of her butt while helping her up, rather than trying to make up for bumping into her. "Well...if you wanted to, I'd be fine with that," she finally responded. "My name's Akane. Akane Tendo."
"That's a really pretty name," the boy smiled. "I'm Akimitsu, but you can call me 'Aki'; it's very nice to meet you, Akane. So...you want some dango, takoyaki, onigiri (rice balls)?"
"Takoyaki is fine, thanks!" Akane insisted.
"Then takoyaki it is!" Akimitsu nodded as he went off to the stand in question.
I think that must've been the most positive interaction I've had with a guy in months, Akane thought as she watched him go. I mean, Ryoga was okay, but he's hardly around that much, and whenever he IS, it's usually just to fight Ranma or Kenma. Not to mention, UGH, Kuno. Maybe Aki and I could be friends?
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE PLOT...
At Nabiki's urgings, Kenma had acquiesced and decided to at least TRY having some fun to ease his mind. Spinning tops, playing at the shooting gallery, and throwing balls at the targets on the games...the mahogany-haired boy wouldn't come right out and say he was having fun, but...he was at least calmer now.
Of course, this would be put to the test by a game that involved catching goldfish.
"Try an' catch'em for ¥100!" called the man running the stand. "If you snag 'em all, you can take them home for free!"
Akane took one of the dinky little paper nets and tried to catch a fish, but the water just made the paper melt. "What the—?! I barely even got it in the water!" she exclaimed.
"Try again, lady," replied the man, giving Akane another paper net.
SWISH! SWISH! SWISH!
Nine nets later, Akane hadn't come any closer to even catching one fish.
"Sorry you didn't catch any," Aki told Akane, patting her shoulder to console her.
The long-haired girl fumed. "These things are defective!" she snapped.
The man looked at a net. "Y'think so?" he asked.
"You know what? I think I'll take a whack at it," Kenma said as he approached the stand. Snagging the net from the man's hand, Kenma inspected it from the sides.
"...I see." he said before he cracked his knuckles and wriggled his fingers. "OH-KAY, HERE I GO!"
In a blur of fast motions and fast hands, Kenma was netting those fish and scooping them into little bowls like it was nothing. The vendor and the people who'd gathered around to watch were utterly flabbergasted at his speed.
I gotta do sumthin'! At this rate, I'll be screwed! the vendor thought as he watched the fish disappear from the tank like mirages.
Quick as a whip, he snatched the fish tank away, and then put down a new tank, full of live, man-eating piranhas!
"I just remembered, this is the last part ya gotta do!" he said with a chuckle. "Barehanded piranha-catching! If ya can't snag 'em all, then you gotta give back the goldfish!"
Aki did a double-take. "Sir, this is insane!" he exclaimed. "All this for what, a few yen on some goldfish?!"
"That's not fair!" Akane spat.
"Yeah, well them's the rules!" the vendor stated. "You don't like 'em? Well, cry me a river!"
"So...THAT'S how you wanna play it, eh?" Kenma inquired with a smirk. "Awrighty then!"
"Kenma, this is madness!" insisted Akane. "Those things will eat your fingers in seconds! You know what 2 of those can do to a live cow?!"
"All I gotta do is grab them before they bite," responded Kenma. "The name of the game is Speed!"
And then, it hit him. INSPIRATION...!
It's the same principle as the Roasted Chestnut Fist!
Then I might just have this figured out after all...ohohoho, you better watch out, old lady!
Bracing himself, Kenma took a deep breath, and plunged his hands into the water. As fast as he could, he began grabbing the piranhas by their back fins and tossing them out into a nearby bucket of water. One by one first, then he was grabbing them two by two!
This is incredible! I've finally got it won! Wait 'till Ranma sees how to do this...it'll blow his mind!
If the fairgoers were amazed before, now they were absolutely gobsmacked. This teenager was plucking piranhas from a fish tank and he was STILL alive after all that!
AND SO, AN HOUR'S WORTH OF PRACTICE LATER...
Shampoo was standing outside of a 'Haunted House' set-up and welcoming in people who were willing to take the chance and go in.
"Ramen Vendors' Association welcomes you to the Haunted House of Horrors!" she announced, before she caught a glimpse of... "Nihao, Kenma!" she beamed.
Standing before her was none other than Kenma; his arms were covered in a few piranha tooth marks, but he was otherwise okay.
"Evenin', Miss Shampoo," he winked. "Ah've come fer the Phoenix Pill...so where's yer granny?"
"Right here, sunshine," Cologne rasped as she tapped his shoulder with her cane. "So you've come for your precious pill, have ya?"
"Damn right!" Kenma declared. "And this time, I'm ready! Just like you'd better be to live up to your promise!"
"Certainly, certainly..." nodded Cologne as she pogoed off into the haunted house. "But you'll need to catch me first!"
"Gladly," Kenma retorted as he wound his arms a few times before heading in. "Figures she'd hide in a haunted house—what better place for a dodgy old witch?"
And in he went. However, as he entered the first creepy hallway, he was suddenly assuaged by a trio of bizarre creatures that looked like refugees from Journey to the West: Sun Wukong, Pigsy, and the Horse-Dragon.
"Outta my way, I don't have time to play!" Kenma declared as he knocked them all down with a windmill roundhouse kick. But before he got ready to go, he snatched the pole from the wannabe Wukong. "Besides, there's only room for one Monkey King in this town!"
Once he was done, he instinctively ducked down, narrowly avoiding a jet of flame. These had been shot from the mouth of the Ushi-Maō ["Bull Demon King"], who carried with him a jug of sake, and was readying to expectorate another blast of fire.
[Author's note: during this part, feel free to hum or listen to the instrumental of the Dragon Ball theme, "Makafushigi Adventure" if you wish.]
"I don't take NO bull!" he declared as he spun the staff wildly, using it to block the flame blast. "Not even from a bull!"
When the fire ceased, Kenma pulled the pole up and held it like a lance. "POWER POLE, EXTEND!" he shouted as he thrust the staff into the Ushi-Maō's chest as hard as he could, sending him flying right through the wall.
"Oh-ho, I am definitely keeping THIS!" Kenma grinned as he raced through the last doorway. "And now...the final showdown!"
Upon entering the final room, Kenma could see that most of it was an enormous bath of steaming hot water, and Cologne was floating in the middle of it, inside a small wooden basket.
"If you want the Phoenix Pill, you'll have to cross this boiling lake!" the old woman called.
Kenma nodded. "Alright, you dried-up old mummy!" he declared. "You want Saotome? YOU GOT SAOTOME!"
And with a dynamic leap, he went soaring across three feet, and used the pole to prop himself up, swiping at Cologne a few dozen times and narrowly missing her. "Phoo! Missed her by this much!" he commented.
"Better be careful, boyo!" Cologne crowed. "That water's room temperature...if the room were a volcano, that is!"
"Made ya look, nyah-nyah!" Kenma sneered. "Where's all that arrogance now, eh, you stinky old codger? Ee-vaporated!"
"Always the mouthy one, aren't we?" asked Cologne as she reached for her necklace. "It'll take a lot more than that before you're ready to—eh? What the...?!" She glanced downward and felt around, but the necklace where she hid the Phoenix Pill was gone!
"Were you looking for...this?" asked Kenma with a cheeky grin, as he held up the necklace in question. "Heeheehee~!"
"Impressive, impressive," nodded Cologne as she reached into her pocket. "But do you really think you've gotten the REAL pill in..." her voice tapered off, as she saw that inside of her pocket was a red candy drop.
"Oh, gee! Didn't know ya had a sweet tooth...of course, considering how old you are, it's probably your ONLY tooth left, granny!" Kenma smirked as he opened the pill case, revealing what was inside. "So this must be—the genuine article!"
Cologne was flabbergasted, to say the least. "...incredible! Nobody's ever gotten one over on me like that in 50 years!" she exclaimed. "How did you do that?"
"I knew you wouldn't give me the real pill that easily," retorted Kenma. "So instead of coming right over after figuring it out, I did some more practicing for a solid hour to make sure I really understood it. And of course, I added my own personal touch of swapping out your phony pill with the real deal!"
"W-well..." commented Cologne, trying to downplay her shock. "I suppose you've improved quite a bit, Son-in-Law. Consider that little pill a prize for your fighting spirit. But you know I won't give up on making sure that only you and Shampoo end up together."
Kenma rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever. Just let me enjoy this, wouldja?" he retorted.
Cologne shrugged, and pogoed away.
"YEAH! I DID IT! I WON, I WON, I WON!" Kenma cheered as he got out of the water and did a little dance. I really did it, Ranma...I saved the day, AND I've snagged you an antidote. Just hang in there, big bro, cuz when you wake up, I'm gonna be there with the Phoenix Pill!
It was a welcome change after the past week had been filled with misery. At long last, there was a ray of sunshine glinting through...
AND SO, BACK AT HOME...
Kenma entered the guest bedroom and sat next to Ranko. "Did someone order a Phoenix Pill, to go?" he asked as he presented the prized pill.
Ranko's eyes nearly popped out of her head. "...no freakin' way..." she exclaimed. "You actually got it?"
"Sure did!" Kenma grinned. "It was kinda tough, but once I got to cool down and re-examine the problem, a solution became clear!"
"Kenma...I dunno what to say—" Ranko began, but Kenma cut her off.
"Then don't say anything. Just gulp that sucker down and go soak in a nice hot tub of water," he replied.
Ranko took the pill and gulped it down [and chased it with a glass of water that Kasumi had left for her]. "Ah, Kenma, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways~!" she exclaimed as she gave him a big hug.
Kenma hugged her back, his face a little red. "I'll leave you to get reacquainted with your old self," he told Ranko before he got up. "In the meantime, I didn't eat a thing while I was out, and I am hungry!"
"Okay, but whatever technique you used to beat the old lady, I wanna know about it tomorrow!" Ranko declared.
"You'll be the first one I teach it to," Kenma winked as he left the room.
... ... ...
Later in the kitchen, Kenma was helping himself to some food that Kasumi and Jinn had made earlier.
"Oo-wee! You guys have outdone yourselves!" he complimented.
"I'm glad you like it," Kasumi said as she sat down. "...Kenma, could we talk?"
Kenma swallowed another food bite and wiped his mouth. "Eh, sure. Any specific topics?" he asked.
"About earlier, in the garden," responded Kasumi. "When you asked 'what good were you if you couldn't save Ranma'...what exactly was that about?"
Kenma's face darkened a bit. "...well, I trust you enough, so I'll give it to you straight," he responded. "As you know, growing up with someone like our father wasn't an experience I'd wish on anybody...so Ranma and I had to rely on & trust in one another. We helped each other grow strong, and after Ranma got cursed I felt even more obligated to help him find a way to undo it. But if he were STUCK in girl form...then I would feel that I failed him. Brothers are supposed to look out for each other, to always have one another's backs. If I couldn't even do that? ...then maybe, just maybe...I don't deserve to live."
He was immediately swept into a hug by Kasumi, and while she hugged him he swore he could hear her crying softly.
"Kenma...never doubt that you have reasons to live, and people who care about you..." she told him, her tone firm despite her tears. "Even if your father is a terrible person who wishes you were never born...I want you to know that there are plenty of people who DON'T agree with that."
Kenma smiled a little as he patted Kasumi on the back. "Thanks, Kasumi," he replied. "That does make me feel a little better."
HOT BELGIAN WAFFLES, IT'S FINALLY FINISHED! THIS TOOK AGES TO WRITE OUT...I had to crank it up to 11 to get it all done today. I legitimately debated letting the arc continue into the next episode where it would finish off...but then my cowriter said it'd be better to let it conclude here—especially since this way, it doesn't feel like Kenma went through all that suffering for nothing. Plus, he finally got to take that old biddy Cologne down a few dozen pegs, which is always a victory in my book!
As for the next episode? I REALLY don't feel like doing the "Breaking Point" arc, plus I'm really burnt-out on Cologne's B.S. for a long while. Any of you readers have suggestions for manga chapters and/or episodes I could do for next time? If so, leave your suggestions at the end of your comments, AFTER your chapter reviews.
The winning choice [or choices] will be selected and covered for next time, or the time after that, if—and that's a very BIG "if"—I decide to do the next chapter for "Big Trouble in Nekonlon, China".
Thanks for sticking around, everyone, and I'll see you next chapter!
Also, no "Next Episode Preview" this time because I don't know what episode or chapter I'll adapt for then yet. Also, it's late when I'm writing this. If I decide before then...I might update this with a preview. MIGHT.