Episode 16:
"Enter Happosai, the Lustful Lecher"
FEATURING THE VOICE TALENTS OF:
ROB TINKLER as Ranma Saotome/ALYSON COURT as Ranko Saotome
CAMERON ANSELL as Kenma Saotome
LEN CARLSON as Jinn/Djinn
DAVID HEMBLEN as Soun Tendo
HARVEY ATKIN as Genma Saotome/Panda-Genma
TARA CHARENDOFF as Nabiki Tendo
TRACEY MOORE as Kasumi Tendo
PAULINA GILLIS as Akane Tendo
JONATHAN POTTS as Akimitsu
KATIE GRIFFIN as Shampoo
MICHAEL MAGEE as Happosai
KATHLEEN BARR as Cologne
KATIE CROWN as Lum
TODAY on "Ranma 1/2: The Life Times of Kenma Saotome":
Ranma and Kenma had never wondered where Anything-Goes Martial Arts came from before, but they soon wish that they had. You see, Soun and Genma learned their style from an incredibly disreputable source, a grand-master so evil that they sealed him away forever—or so they believed! May heaven have mercy when he gets loose...
Far away, in the Hida Mountains, there lies a cavern that has been sealed shut with an enormous boulder, plastered with all sorts of spiritual wards. For what, I hear you asking? Why, it's to keep evil spirits away...or in this case, to keep them trapped.
But today, the great boulder has finally weakened—for you see, a tiny crack has formed within the surface of the stone, momentarily disrupting the wards' shield. And it is during this moment of weakness, that the awesome boulder has finally become vulnerable to a devastating pressure point technique, causing it to be destroyed!
And as the boulder's remnants slide down the side of the mountain, from out of the cave emerged some nightmarish, terrible creature with bulging, blood-red eyes. A hellish cackle erupted from the pit of its throat as it snickered evilly...
Opening Credits Theme: Kusuburu heart ni Hi o Tsukero!/Light a Fire in your Smoldering Heart!
Original Lyrics by Yuriko Mori
Localized lyrics by Jonathan Young
[VISUALS are in bold, while lyrics are italicized!]
As we FADE IN, we see Ranma, in guy form, giving a V for Victory sign; in the background, we show 3 of his fights:
First, his and Kenma's battle with Ryoga.
Second, the fight with Kodachi in the Martial-Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics tournament. During this scene, Ranma is sprayed with water and changes into girl form, or Ranko.
Third, we see Ranma in his Neko-Ken state, going totally wild, as a flash of light fills the screen.
The series logo appears:
"Ranma 1/2: The Life & Times of Kenma Saotome
Season 2: Anything Goes for These Two Bros!"
FLASH CUT to Kenma and Ranma, riding atop Kenma's Flying Nimbus and soaring through the sky.
Tell me where's the hero pure of heart? Tell me who his greatest rivals are!
WIPE TO: Ranma and Kenma, as 4-year-olds, walking behind a younger Genma, as we see Ranma fighting Ryoga, and Kenma fighting Kuno. A splash of water, and Ranma is now a 16-year-old Ranko, Ryoga is now Wilbur, and Kuno's all wet. 16-year-old Kenma, now sporting a monkey tail and more Goku-esque clothes, spins his quarterstaff.
I will tell it! Fair and square!
NEXT: Junichi, Ryno, Daisuke, Hiroshi, Ukyo, and Lum are running [well, Lum's the only one flying instead of running] down the streets of Nerima, with Kodachi sprinting behind them, twirling her whip and cackling...before Shampoo successfully hogties her; Mousse is nearby, fretting over Kodachi, before a splash of water turns him into a duck. Cologne stands nearby, smirking while holding the hose smugly.
Don't learn to fly for nothin'! This leap of faith needs jumpin'~
Principal Kuno laughs wildly as he throws a pineapple bomb, but Ranko kicks it back, sending it right back to the sender, just in time for it to explode...BLAMMO! ...leaving him covered in ashes. He coughs up a cloud of dust.
So find your courage, and take your shot!
In the sky, Lum flies next to the Saotome brothers, shooting a wink at Ranma as she passes by, leaving Ranma red-faced.
(You...can...fight!) The future that I want~
In town, Genma is running for his life from a sword-swinging Nodoka, with Soun following behind trying to dissuade her.
(You…can...fight!) I will claim it for my own!
(You...can...make it!) I won't stop for nothing!
Standing together are Kuno, Kodachi, Mousse, Ryoga, Principal Kuno, Kiran, Picolet Chardin, Happosai, and Pantyhose Taro. On the other end are Ranma, Kenma, Ukyo, Daisuke, Hiroshi, Junichi, Akimitsu, Ryunosuke, and Shampoo.
and once I find my muse...I got nothing to lose!
Putting his hands at his sides, Kenma powers up, a Kaiō-Ken style aura flaring around him, before he leaps at Mousse, who's pulled out a spiked mace and leapt at him. Both combatants battle, sending huge tremors all over town.
I'll find my courage, I'm ai-iming high~! I don't have wings, but I swear that I can fly!
Kenma pulls out his nunchuks, and KLONKS Mousse right in the head, as he falls over and lands in a fountain, popping up as a bespectacled duck...with a huge lump on his skull.
My dreams are waiting, all I've got to do is claim them...
Happosai dances gleefully with a pair of panties, before a group of very pissed-off women surround him, and then start stomping on his body like he's a cockroach.
...not gonna stop anymore!~
Saffron, clad in his Phoenix Power Armor, stands tall, flanked by Koruma and Masala, ready to attack. Facing off against him are Ranma and Kenma, both ready to retaliate.
(LET'S GO!) Wake up, the hero that I need to be
Saffron puts his hand out and unleashes a massive blast of flames from his staff. Ranma and Kenma ready their respective energy techniques: Moko Takabisha and the Kamehameha.
I burn, like fire is taking over me!
With a combined scream, both brothers unleash their energy blasts, which merge and decimate Saffron's flame blast, before engulfing him as he can only look on in pure horror, as the white flash fills the screen.
I'll chase my dreams and be the man I'm searching for!
Finally, it shows Ranma, standing with Ranko before Kenma pops up between them and puts an arm around each of their shoulders. They're joined by Nabiki, Shampoo, Lum and Ukyo.
Not gonna stop, anymore~!
As the final notes of the song play, the final credits appear on screen:
Based on the characters created by
RUMIKO TAKAHASHI
Produced by FUJI Television, Kitty Film, and Tokyo Movie Shinsa
...and fade out.
IN NERIMA, AT THAT VERY MOMENT...
Jinn was asleep in his lamp, dozing peacefully when he sensed the surge of dark energy, topped off with a wicked cackle, echoing in his head.
The ancient master is FREE?! No...it just can't be! he thought as he shot awake, sweat beading on his forehead. Evil—great evil is coming...! And I must warn the Saotome Boys, PRONTO!
And in a worried flurry, he shot right out of his lamp and raced off to find Kenma and/or Ranma. If this dark ki belonged to the person he expected, then the boys needed to be warned ahead of time!
DOWNSTAIRS, COINCIDENTALLY HAPPENING RIGHT THEN...
Soun was in the middle of some spring cleaning...and surprisingly, Genma was actually pitching in with his friend [I know, crazy, right?].
"Spick and span!" beamed the mustached man.
"Ah, if only it were this easy to straighten out our children!" Genma agreed.
And the two dunderheads linked wrists together. "Let this dojo be our witness: everything we do, we do for the sake of our children!" they declared.
[Hear that? That's me, ROLLING MY EYES.]
Suddenly, there was a shattering noise from the left side of the room. Turning in that direction, they noticed that the family altar had fallen from its spot and crashed on the ground.
"The family altar!" Soun gasped. "...could this be an ill omen of some sort?"
Genma just laughed and laughed. "Oh, sure, Tendo! Maybe it means a demon's been freed!" he mocked.
Soun laughed half-assedly for a few seconds before getting right in Genma's face. "DON'T JOKE ABOUT SUCH THINGS, SAOTOME!" he bellowed.
"C-calm down, Tendo! It's probably nothing!" Genma insisted, sweatdrops beading on his forehead.
"Somehow...I doubt it..." Soun responded, his face shadowed.
In the commotion, nobody noticed Jinn sneaking past and scurrying up to the Saotome boys' room.
"RANMA! KENMA! TERRIBLE NEWS!" Jinn exclaimed as he materialized before the both of them. "I just sensed a massive surge of dark ki on the other side of Japan! Whatever it is, it's alive, and it is powerful!"
"Jinn...Jinn," urged Ranma, putting his hands up. "Just take a deep breath, and tell us what's going on, at normal speed."
Jinn took a few deep breaths to calm down, and then he spoke. "A few minutes ago...I sensed a powerful dark ki, all the way from the Hida Mountains. Whatever is generating this ki, it's ancient—in fact, thousands of years old—and it's on its way to Nerima."
"You think whatever this is might be bad news?" asked Kenma.
"I've been around for a long while...so yes," Jinn nodded. "I think we might need to tell someone else about my secret."
"Like...Kasumi?" inquired Ranma with a small smile.
Jinn inhaled...before he realized what Ranma said. "...well, I suppose she could be the best person to trust with this knowledge." he responded.
So yeah, Kasumi was the most worthy to be entrusted with the secret.
Kasumi was petting Tomo when she heard a knock on her door. Opening it, she saw Jinn, along with Ranma and Kenma, the latter holding a strange rusted lamp in his hands.
"Jinn?" Kasumi piped up. "...Ranma, Kenma. To what do I owe this unexpected visit?"
"Kasumi, the boys and I have a very important secret to let you in on," explained Jinn. "The truth is...I am a genie, a djinn. Hence the name, Jinn? I removed the D, so to speak."
The brunette blinked for a few seconds before she giggled. "I admit, that's a very amusing joke, Jinn," she said. "But really, tell me what's going on."
Jinn picked Kenma up and shook him. "She doesn't believe me!" he exclaimed. "WHADDO I DO?!"
"Why not have her...oh, I dunno—wish for something?" suggested Kenma as he tried to stop his eyes from spinning in his head.
Jinn immediately stopped with the shaking. "...oh! That actually makes sense," he replied before placing Kenma down and turning back to face the brunette. "OK, Kasumi, just work with me on this...and wish for something."
"Well, if you insist," replied Kasumi. "I wish for a new set of knives."
"OK! I can do that!" Jinn nodded as he gave a little nod of his head, and in an instant...
BWING!
...a set of brand-new knives appeared in his hands as he gave them to Kasumi, who rubbed her eyes in surprise. But it wasn't an illusion; those knives were as real as the fingers on her hands.
Which would mean that Jinn was telling the truth. He really WAS a genie!
"O-oh...oh, my..." Kasumi managed to say as she suddenly felt dizzy. "This is...this is—" And she suddenly began to fall backwards.
Quick as a whip, Jinn leapt over and caught her in his arms. "I really am sorry if this is overwhelming..." he said. "I didn't mean to do that to you."
"It's...it's alright," the eldest Tendo daughter reassured. "I just need some water, is all. Then maybe I could get my bearings and process this news."
"Right then," nodded Ranma. "Jinn, I wish Kasumi had a glass of water to drink."
"Got ya covered," responded Jinn as he gave a nod.
BWING!
Instantly, a small cup of water [with a pair of ice cubes floating in it] appeared in his left hand, and Jinn gave it to Kasumi. She accepted the cup, and took a sip before she withdrew from it.
"...thank you," she smiled. "So, where exactly did you two encounter a genie?"
"Well..." Kenma began.
AND SO, SEVERAL MINUTES LATER...
"...and that's how we all met," finished Ranma.
By now, Kasumi had managed to keep from passing out, and she had heard the entire tale; how the boys had stumbled upon the lamp, their surprise reunion with Ukyo, the cause of Ranma's half-cure, and how they had returned from China so quickly.
"This would explain so much..." Kasumi replied, rubbing her chin a little. "And I can understand why you'd keep him secret. Although how exactly did you explain his presence to your father and my own?"
"Well, we got to thinking, and decided that our story would be that 'Jin is a young man who's been hoping to learn the Anything Goes martial arts'," explained Ranma. "So far, it's worked pretty well. They tried training him for the first couple of days...then the 3rd day, they just forgot and went on with their lives, giving Jinn an opportunity to seem like he's been part of the household for a while."
"And I decided I'd lend you a hand in the kitchen," Jinn chimed in. "Personally, I didn't think it was fair that you have to stay at home, only getting to leave so you can run errands. You've got a whole life ahead of you, and you deserve to LIVE it!"
Kasumi blushed a little.
"Anyways, the reason we chose to tell you is because something sinister is coming to Nerima," explained Kenma. "And if worse should come to worse, we want YOU to keep Jinn's lamp because we know that you'd be the most trustworthy with it."
"If we gave it over to anyone ELSE, that'd just spell 'disaster'!" Ranma responded. "Your dad would wish for Akane and I to get together..."
"OUR dad would wish us away in favor of 'more obedient sons'..." Kenma remarked, his fingers trembling with fury.
"...and I don't even wanna KNOW what Akane or Nabiki would wish for!" Ranma finished, getting a cold chill up his spine.
"So that's why we're leaving it with you," stated Kenma. "...well, that and also because Jinn seems to like you quite a bit."
Jinn blushed again, but couldn't bring himself to deny this.
One thing was for certain: Kasumi was sure that her life had just become WAY more interesting...
AN HOUR LATER...
Everyone was at the table, eating dinner.
"Would you care for more rice, Father?" asked Kasumi. Soun nodded and passed his empty bowl to his eldest daughter...but when he passed it to her, it slipped from her hands and fell on the table, where it broke into pieces.
"Oops! Oh, I'm so sorry!" Kasumi apologized.
"It's just a bowl, Kasumi," remarked Nabiki, as Soun picked up the shattered bowl shard.
"Saotome..." he muttered. "...another omen..."
"Puh-leeze!" Genma scoffed after swallowing the mouthful of food he was eating. "You don't really believe in that hokus-pokus 'omen' stuff, do ya? Just a bunch of old wives' tales, and nothing more—"
But just then, one of his chopsticks broke, the piece landing on the table.
AND SO, THE VERY NEXT DAY...
It was a particularly cloudy day, that was for certain. And of course, the Saotome boys and Tendo daughters [minus Kasumi, naturally] were all at school.
"Were those two actin' weirder than usual, or what?" inquired Ranma.
"You might have a point; this morning, Dad looked like he hadn't slept a wink," Akane replied. "I think he might've been having nightmares..."
And then, it started raining, causing Ranma's dark hair to start turning bright red.
"I'm going on ahead!" Akane said as she started running towards the school building. "Maybe I'll meet Aki there..."
And off she went, with Ranko and Kenma right behind.
"Stupid weatherman didn't say a damn thing about rain last night...!" the redheaded girl groused.
"Never hurts to be prepared!" Kenma said as he handed her a spare umbrella.
... ... ...
At that time, someone had just polished off an order of pork cutlets...not to mention, 13 plates and 34 bowls' worth of food, and he'd hit the bricks without even paying.
"Hey! Stop, thief!" yelled one of the workers, but the dine-and-dasher had just disappeared.
"Hold on; he left a note," said another worker as he handed her a piece of paper. On it was scrawled a message: SEND THE BILL TO THE TENDO DOJO!
And off the misbegotten little wretch went, hopping from rooftop to rooftop until he spotted the Furinkan High female track team, out on their morning constitutional [which is a fancy way of saying "they're going jogging"].
Crouching, the stranger leapt from the rooftop, bounding into the female crowd, screaming, "AKANE!" for some ungodly reason.
... ... ...
Right then, Akane sneezed.
"Geez...I must be catching a cold!" she hypothesized. "I better take a hot bath when I get home..." But she was suddenly jostled from her thoughts by the sounds of high-pitched shrieks as she rounded a corner. The track team had been halted, while one of their members in the front was struggling to pry a diminutive creature off of her person.
"Get this freako off of me!" she grunted as she pried him off; unfortunately, he was like a magnet—which was to say, if they pried him off of one girl, he would lmmediately latch onto another...and he DID, latching onto one of the other track team members.
"Go away, you human lamprey!" she grunted.
"Guys, what's going on?" asked Akane.
"That's what I'd like to know, too," chimed in Aki as he rounded the corner, dressed in a green poncho and carrying an umbrella.
"Oh, hey, Akane," said the leader of the track team.
At that, the tiny little creep turned his head. "Akane...?" he muttered. Then, he unlatched from the girl and leapt towards Akane...who quickly blocked him with her bookbag, making him crash into it and fall on the ground.
"Do you know this guy, Akane?" asked Aki, making sure that his baseball bat was within reach.
"I dunno, should I?" replied Akane.
"Take a good look and see!" the masked individual replied as he took off his mask, revealing himself to be a balding old man with a tiny white mustache and a face that made him look like a flea.
"...seriously, who ARE you?" inquired Akane.
"You—you really don't remember me?" asked the old man. "How cruel!" he exclaimed, launching into a sobbing fit.
"Well, hang on, gimme a second!" Akane replied. "I just need to think!"
"Never mind! Don't trouble yourself about me..." the old man sniffled. "Just allow me...to have a good cry in your BOSOM!" he croaked out as he leapt towards Akane's chest again.
KLONG!
However, instead of Akane's chest, all the old man felt was the cold, wet metallic surface of Akimitsu's baseball bat, and then the wet, hard gravelly surface of the road.
"So...who's the creep?" asked Ranko as she and Kenma just arrived on the scene.
Aki placed his bat back into his bag. "Once again, this bat has bashed a worthless object," he recited.
The old man pulled himself to his feet, and took a look at Ranko. "AKANE!" he shrieked again as he leapt onto her and began rubbing his face in her chest.
"GWAAAAH! GET OFFA ME, YOU GROTTY LITTLE WART!" screamed Ranko as she kneed him in the stomach, sending him toppling off and hitting the ground.
"Hah! That's the sort of spirit I'd expect from a daughter of Soun Tendo!" the old man laughed.
"Wait, you know my Dad?" inquired Akane.
"Wait, you really ARE Soun's daughter?" asked the old man. "You mean that limp-noodle student of mine actually DID find someone to bear his fruit? Hot damn!"
"Making moves on girls you don't know?" remarked Akane.
"Well, we've never met before!" the old man laughed, before he coughed a few times. "At least, not until now!"
... ... ...
LATER THAT DAY...
"We're home!" called Akane as she returned from school that afternoon. To say that Soun was shocked by the guest that came in was a tremendous understatement.
"Hiya, Soun!" the old man waved. "I see ya finally grew that mustache in! Looks good on ya!"
Soun looked right at him, and from how terrified he was, he looked as though he had just aged 20 years in five seconds!
"M-master Happosai!" he exclaimed, his eyes spraying tear-geysers as he bent down and wrapped the ancient old man in a hug. "It's been such a long time...thank heavens you're safe!"
The old man, 'Happosai', just laughed out loud. "I'm as healthy as a DOZEN horses!" he declared, right as he spotted Soun's incoming fist. With only his index finger, he stopped Soun's punch and flipped him over, sending him crashing into the floor.
"J-just testing your reflexes, master..." Soun groaned as he pulled himself out of the hole in the floorboards. "W-wanted to make sure you...haven't gotten rusty..."
"As if I'd ever let MY reflexes wane!" Happosai retorted. "That was rather naughty of you, Soun; trying to attack your dear grand master like that! Shame~!"
"Pl-please forgive me, Master!" Soun begged, clasping his hands together in regret. "I promise I won't try anything like that ever again!"
Ranko, Kenma and Akane looked on in befuddlement. Sure, Soun had been a bit spineless in the past, but seeing him begging this tiny old man for forgiveness was almost laughable.
"Oh, stop your caterwaulin', boy. I'll let it slide this time," replied Happosai with a roll of his eyes. Suddenly, he heard a crunch of bamboo from behind, and as he turned around he spotted a certain panda bear. "Weeell, if it ain't Genma Saotome, my other student!"
Panda-Genma reached over and pulled out a sign: I'm just an ordinary panda, sir. I don't know any 'Genma Saotome'...although someone with his movie-star good looks wouldn't be around here, that's for sure!
Happosai just laughed. "Still the same ol' jokester Genma, I see!" he remarked. "After all, I'd recognize those beady little eyes of yours anywhere!"
As Genma tried to deny this, he suddenly screamed out in pain as he felt hot water pouring on his scalp...and soon, the panda was a human again. Standing behind him was Soun, bruised, battered, and now holding a tea kettle.
"If I'm going down, I sure as hell won't be going down alone, Saotome..." he hissed through clenched teeth.
The Saotome boys shared a glance with Jinn and Kasumi. "Is this the one, Jinn?" whispered Kenma.
Jinn nodded firmly. "Without a doubt. I'd never forget sensing a ki as horrible as that!" he whispered back.
"That little garden gnome?" asked Ranko. "It would explain why Pops and Mr. Tendo are so jittery around 'im..."
"Well, it was 10 years ago..." began Soun. "...when Genma and I dedicated our lives to training under Master Happosai."
"Stop! Thief!" yelled a chef as he tackled a younger, non-mustached Soun, while his partner had tackled a younger Genma. And where was Happosai? Why, far ahead of his two 'disciples'...but to him, they were little more than patsies he could use at his leisure whenever he felt like dining and dashing.
"Soun, Genma, you boys know what to do!" he called as he ran off with a full stomach.
"Master, no!" both young men cried. And so, they had to work in the kitchen as penance for their master's freeloading behaviors.
"You two are gonna work for all the food that YOUR master didn't pay for!" the chef bellowed, as Soun was scrubbing mountains of dirty dishes and stained silverware, while Genma was mopping the floor.
"We had to wash dishes and mop floors for 3 days and nights whenever he would skip out on his meals..." continued Soun.
The next unpleasant memory was of both 'students' being mobbed and beaten by angry women, while Happosai ran off, carrying a backpack crammed to the gills with women's lingerie.
"I'll let you boys take care of things here!" the skeevy old pervert declared as he darted away, leaving his disciples in the lurch.
"Not to mention when he robbed that lingerie store..." Genma chimed in. "We had to spend three days cleaning all those mannequins!"
It was clear that as pigheaded and delusional as Soun and Genma could be, neither of them was out-of-touch with reality enough to regard this as anything resembling a fond memory.
"And of course, there was that other time with the food run..." Soun reflected.
... ... ...
The food run in question was the time Happosai had Soun steal an entire ox, while having Genma steal some vegetables from a farmer's crop. In short, they had to grab their "food" and make a "run" for it.
"Tell me again, Master...why exactly are we stealing?" asked Soun. "Wouldn't it be smarter to just BUY the meat and vegetables?"
"What, with TODAY'S prices? If anyone's stealing, it's the markets!" Happosai retorted as he drank another shot of sake, while sitting atop the pilfered oxen. "Now shut up and run, before that farmer gets his gun!"
"Of course, master!" wheezed Soun as he and Genma kept running with their ill-gotten gains. And that night, for their labor, both boys were 'rewarded' with another deranged exercise: they were both chained to a boulder and forced to sit and starve, while Happosai cooked and ate the ox they'd pilfered for him.
"Please, master...Soun and I haven't eaten in days..." begged Genma as his stomach growled.
The diminutive old man just laughed and fanned the smoke from the fire towards his starving pupils. "Quit bein' a baby, Saotome! At least I'm letting you fill up on the aroma!" he retorted. "So I'm not completely heartless, understand? Even I can be generous, y'know!"
Ranko and Kenma suddenly found themselves thanking their lucky stars that Genma was a total windbag. At least he was easier to beat...but this Happosai guy sounded like some kind of monster.
"And one night...we'd had enough." Soun continued, his face growing dark.
On a clear, moonlit night, Soun and Genma had brought Happosai several barrels full of sake.
"Master, here's all the sake we 'borrowed' from the villagers," said Soun.
Happosai's wrinkly face lit up like a child on Christmas morning. "Well done, boys! VERY well done!" he laughed as he uncorked the first barrel. "Bottoms up!" he declared before he started shotgunning it down his throat.
Soun clapped a few times. "Way to pound one back, Master!" he cheered.
Happosai lowered the barrel and glared at his students. "These are ALL mine, by the way. I'm not sharing any of it!" he spat. "So keep yer snoots outta my hooch!"
Soun and Genma bowed in 'respect'. "Of course, Master!" they chorused. And so Happosai drank deep and drank hearty...it took almost four hours, but he'd eventually polished off EVERY single barrel. Once he was done, he was so inebriated that he just passed right out and went to sleep.
And once they were SURE he was dead asleep, Soun and Genma decided to put some emphasis on that 'dead' part. So they popped him into one of the empty barrels, and tied it tightly shut with ropes and chains and padlocks..but of course, they also put some dynamite on the bottom lid. Then they headed up to the Hida Mountains, and threw the barrel into a deep cavern. Next, they pushed a boulder decorated with spirit wards in front of the entrance, sealing the cave shut, before they plugged their ears just as...
KA-BOOM!
Once the deed was done, Genma and Soun clasped their hands together and danced a merry jig as tears of joy came to their eyes.
"We're finally free, Saotome!" cheered Soun.
"I can hardly believe it, Tendo!" agreed Genma.
"As of tonight, we forgive you, Master," smiled Soun, wiping away his tears. "We leave you in the past and move on."
"May you forever rest in peace," agreed Genma.
The two former students of Happosai stared at the boulder for another three minutes, letting the air fill with their combined silence.
"...so, we're taking this to our graves, right?" asked Genma.
"Nobody's going to hear a word of it, Saotome," Soun responded.
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE COMPLETE.
Happosai laughed, as though he were recalling a funny anecdote. "Ahh, those were some golden memories, weren't they?" he sighed nostalgically as he took a swig of his sake. "...I'd almost forgotten about that last part."
Soun and Genma both went pale with fear. "K-kasumi? How about some more sake?" called Soun, trying to distract his so-called master. "For our guest, of course!"
"Coming!" Kasumi replied.
"Maybe you two should've bought some poison and mixed it into the booze?" suggested Nabiki. "Or maybe used more plastic explosives..."
"Well, it ain't human, I tell ya!" Ranko remarked.
Kenma nodded in agreement. "He's some kind of demon, no doubt about it."
As Happosai held out his masu box, Soun took their 4th bottle of sake and poured him some more.
"It's yer own fault for not finishing me off, y'know," the little geezer remarked as he took a swig. "Shoulda done it when ya had the chance."
"He makes a good point," nodded Soun.
"Still, like the saying goes..." added Genma as he and Soun stood up. "...'it's never too late'!"
And they both leapt at Happosai...and were subsequently clobbered beyond compare. By the time Kasumi came with the sake, both Saotome and Tendo fathers were black, blue, and bludgeoned as they laid in a heap underneath Happosai.
"J-just a joke, master..." Soun groaned, nursing a black eye. "You understand, don't you?"
"Of course, of course!" Happosai laughed. "Always nice when a master and his students can have a good laugh, isn't it?"
... ... ...
"Look, I understand how you two must've felt back in those days," the old man told his former students. "I was young once myself."
"Really now?" Kenma whispered to Ranko. "What, was that during the ice age, or the triassic period?"
"I haven't come here lookin' to get even, so you two can relax," stated Happosai. "Truth of the matter is, I'm not gettin' any younger, and it's high time I picked myself an heir! It's about time one of you volunteered to take over the Anything-Goes School—"
It hadn't even been a second before Soun and Genma had packed their bags and were making a break for the exit.
"And just WHERE do you think you're going?" inquired Happosai.
"I just remembered, I'm moving to China..." stated Soun.
"And I'm helping him move!" Genma chimed in.
Ranko scoffed. "You two are pathetic; a couple of adults scared of an old geezer!" she mocked.
And in an instant, Genma was behind Ranko and Kenma. "Here, master! Why don't you take THIS one on as your heir?" he asked. "I'll sign over all my parental rights to you!"
"...you weren't exactly dad of the year, what makes you think THIS creep will be any better?" scoffed Kenma.
Genma's eyebrows twitched slightly. "...and the boy you can use for hard labor. Do whatever you please with him." he added, making Kenma fume with anger.
"GOOD GRIEF, GENMA, HOW CAN YOU BE SO INHUMANE?!" Happosai exclaimed as he jumped to his feet. "A beautiful young girl like this would NEVER survive the intense training of the Anything Goes Martial Arts!"
As he leapt at Ranko for his usual boob-nuzzling shenanigans, he found himself blocked by Kenma's quarter-staff.
"I'm saying this once, and ONCE ONLY," the mahogany-haired boy growled. "STAY. AWAY. FROM HER."
"Oooh, this one's spirited, isn't he?" Happosai commented before Genma splashed Ranko with a bucket full of hot water, changing her back into a him.
"As you can see, I've got two spirited young men, all lined up to carry on the Anything-Goes Martial Arts!" Genma beamed.
"ROT IN HELL, WHY DON'T YA?!" Kenma shouted.
"Quit usin' us as bargainin' chips, old man," Ranma snapped, jutting a finger in Genma's clavicle before turning to face Happosai. "AND YOU! YOU..."
But he didn't get a chance to fully retort, as the old lech took his smoking pipe and sent him spinning out into the backyard.
"If he's a boy, then that's good: I won't have to worry about holding back for fear of hurting him," nodded Happosai. "OK, Genma; I'll train the boys as my heirs to the school."
"You hear that, boys?" asked Genma. "From now on you'll be receiving training from the Master!"
Kenma crossed his arms and turned his nose upward. "Hmph...he's no master of mine!"
Time for a training break...Ranma and Kenma will return after this!
...
OK, break's over. Now for more fun with the Saotome Brothers!
[And their very unwanted houseguest...]
The next morning, Ranma was still plenty sore from last night's little incident.
"I'll train you to carry on my school," the old man had told him and his brother. "The both of you should be grateful...and I'm frankly impressed that Genma had enough sperm for making ONE child, let alone TWO..."
Dirty old freak, Ranma thought as he angrily brushed his teeth. Take over as HIS heirs? Yeah, right! Why does HE get to live here?
Because our father is a spineless jellyfish, that's why, Kenma's thoughts responded back.
And that kinda thing makes me wanna take up gardenin', or basket-weavin'... thought Ranma as he took some water and started to gargle. He can find a NEW heir, for all I-
SPLOOOSH!
Of course, as Ranma turned around, he'd received a VERY unwanted bucketful of water to his face, turning him into Ranko again.
"Good morning, kiddos!" Happosai crowed, clutching the bucket in his hands.
"And what the hell's so good about it?!" Ranko spat. "I got an old freako tryin' ta grope me like a stress ball!"
And so she leapt at him, trying to grab the old man, but he was just too damned quick! "Where'd he go?!" she fumed. "Ah, who cares...?"
But as she turned around, Kenma spotted Happosai clinging to Ranko's ass. "Hey, dude! You got a big, butt-ugly wart clinging to your ass!" he informed her.
"Watch who yer callin' a 'wart', monkey boy!" Happosai retorted. "First rule of Anything-Goes training, the master's always right!"
He was silenced seconds later, when Ranko slammed him down on the floor while he was still clinging to her ass.
"Saotome-Style Handbook: Page 1, Chapter 1!" she remarked. "If the master can't keep his mitts to himself, he's sure gonna WISH he did sooner!"
Later, at breakfast, Ranma angrily ate his breakfast, while Happosai sat at the table with a massive bruise on his skull.
"But he's so much cuter as a girl..." the old man whined.
"That don't give you cart blanche to molest my brother," Kenma hissed. "You do that again, and the next time you open your mouth, it'll be to show the dentist what he's gonna be workin' on for the next two weeks...YOUR FUCKIN' TEETH!"
"Tell us what you came for, and get out," snapped Ranma after he gulped down a mouthful of rice...which he nearly choked on after seeing Happosai fish out a lacy pink bra. "THE HELL IS THAT?!"
"It's your reward, sugar-cakes!" commented Happosai. "My heir can't be seen in some ratty old training bra, now can she?"
"You've got to be out of your mind to think he's going to wear THAT!" Lum remarked as she poked her head in.
"Lum? When did you get back?" asked Ranma.
"Since the writer just remembered my existence!" Lum grinned.
The second the old man spotted Lum, his eyes widened, and his mouth grinned. "Well, hel-LO there!" he exclaimed as he leapt towards her. But the second he did, he immediately felt 10,000 volts of electrical energy shooting through his body and slamming him into the nearest wall.
"Keep your wrinkled old mitts off me!" hissed Lum.
"Such a hostile young lady!" Happosai remarked, before turning back to Ranma. "Well, whaddya think, honeybunches?"
"I think I would sooner take that bra and shove it down your throat than wear it!" Ranma spat.
"But it was so expensive!" Happosai insisted.
"Didja hear that from the lady you stole it from?" Kenma remarked dryly.
"I made sure it was just your size..." Happosai sniffed, putting on the crocodile tears. "Akane couldn't even hope to fill that one out!"
"Hey, piss off!" Akane snapped.
"Well, aren't you lucky, Ranma?" Soun asked. "It appears the master's taken a personal interest in your welfare!"
Panda-Genma held up a sign that read "Oh, happy day!"
"Attention like that I don't need," Ranma snarled. "Put yourself in my shoes: if you had MY curse, would you want some grimy old lech constantly molesting you?!"
Soun didn't even get a chance to respond before Ranma cut him off.
"The answer, by the way, is NO." he stated.
A LITTLE WHILE LATER...
"You can't possibly beat him, Ranma," said Akane on the way to school. "He might not seem like anything to sneeze at, but he DID train both of our fathers."
"Ah, phooey on ya; he's just some old geezer," retorted Ranma as he strolled along the fence. "And I'll personally take him apart myself."
"You sure you wanna go in alone?" inquired Kenma. "I'm ready to rumble if you need me to watch your back, bro."
"Nah," replied Ranma. "I wanna make sure he knows Ranma Saotome isn't someone else that he can just push around!"
Suddenly, there came more screams from behind them. Turning around, the three teenagers saw that Happosai was in the middle of pressing his face into another student's chest.
"Ranma! Where are you? You forgot your bra!" he called, while two of the other girls were trying to pull him off of their friend.
"That old lecher!" fumed the black-haired boy. "Somebody's gotta put a stop to him, and I'm just the guy for the job!"
Just then, there was the sound of a bike bell. And a very familiar voice. "Kenma~!"
Kenma craned his neck and spotted the source of the sounds; it was none other than Shampoo, riding over on her delivery bike. "Yo! Shamps! What's up?" he waved.
"Nihao! Airen!" called Shampoo...before she felt that she now had a VERY unwanted passenger clinging to her back seat. Glancing down, she saw that Happosai was right at the back, his hands wrapped around her and reaching her chest.
"Airen! Airen!" the old man called. Immediately, Kenma's eyes flashed red briefly, and he started to growl from his throat. Shampoo brought her bike to a stop, flung Happosai off, and leapt off, landing on her feet.
"How DARE you touch my chest!" she spat. "Only my fianceé has the right to do that! And if anyone ELSE tries it, then they must DIE!"
As quickly as Kenma's feral anger bubbled, it suddenly dissipated. "Wait, you mean I have permission to do that? Awesome!" he beamed happily.
But before Shampoo could attack, she was blocked by a wooden cane...and the cane was held by a certain old crone.
"Great-grandmother?!" exclaimed Shampoo as Cologne blocked her attack.
"Shampoo, leave this dimwit to me," the old woman instructed. "An old goat like YOU chasing after young girls! For shame!"
Happosai growled in annoyance. "Figures...you WOULD spoil my fun!" he snapped.
Getting into fighting stances, both elderly martial-artists sprang from the ground and passed by each other. Happosai landed on the ground, and Cologne did as well—only to find that there was now a bra draped around her shoulders.
"Doesn't that look sweet on you~!" Happosai remarked. "It's an underwire; it helps to control and support, no matter HOW shapeless you are! Good luck! Good luck!" he crowed as he strolled away, laughing out loud to himself.
Ranma, Kenma and Akane approached with Shampoo after the little confrontation. "Wotta freak..." remarked Ranma, irritated.
"He's pretty damned good..." Cologne remarked. "Son-in-law...son-in-law's brother...you would do wise to not make an enemy of that one."
"A little late for that..." Kenma murmured.
"Come along, Shampoo," said Cologne, beckoning to her great-granddaughter as she left.
"Bye-bye, Kenma! Zai chien!" Shampoo said as she hugged and kissed her boyfriend before she skipped off behind her great-grandmother.
"Ah, don't sweat it, Ken," advised Ranma. "That dodgy old bat's just trying to scare you."
"Somehow I feel she's probably right," said Kenma. "And even though I don't trust her, I trust Happosai even LESS."
"No need to worry," Ranma responded. "The both of us could probably beat him." Of course, he stopped when he saw the lacy bra dangling before him from a stick...being waved by Happosai.
"Hey, sexy! Ya forgot something!" the old man crowed.
"SHADDAP!" Ranma snapped as he yanked the stick down and sent the old man tumbling to the ground.
"Why do you have to be so stubborn?" Happosai asked, feigning concern.
"Listen, you old goat!" Ranma remarked. "If you keep on following me around..."
"So, is this a challenge?" asked Happosai as he sprang back to his feet.
"You bet your wrinkled ass it is, old man!" Ranma replied.
"Fine by me," smirked Happosai.
"If you lose, you hightail it back to the crypt you dug your way out of and NEVER bother us again, got it?" Ranma instructed.
"And if you lose, then I get to see you model this brassiere!" Happosai countered.
"WOULD YOU SHUT UP ABOUT THAT ALREADY?!" Ranma yelled as he lunged at the old man, who easily dodged the attack.
"Hold'jer horses, sonny-boy; I'll letcha know when it's time fer us to fight," stated Happosai. "I'll be looking forward to it!" And he ran off, laughing all the way.
That afternoon...
The majority of the day had gone by rather quietly, and it was now 4:00 PM.
"Any sign of him, Ken?" asked Ranma.
Kenma lowered his binoculars. "Not even a wrinkly old hair."
"I still don't think it's a good idea to fight this guy," stated Akane.
"This old freak will be a pushover," Ranma retorted. "I won't even be tired!"
"Well, looks like this is the time to prove your skills," instructed Kenma as he took another look out the window. "Because here he comes!"
Following Kenma's gaze, Ranma spotted Happosai darting off with a bundle on his back. And right behind him were plenty of indignant girls.
"Looks like Mister Popular's been conversing with the fairer sex," Kenma observed as he put up his binoculars.
"I'm already on it," Ranma said as he leapt out the window and landed in Happosai's path. "Hey, old man! What're you up to—"
"Ranma, think fast!" Happosai called as he threw the black-haired boy the bag, and shoved him aside. Ranma fell on his butt, and ended up seeing what was in the bag: plenty of recently used female gym shorts.
Of course, then he was immediately swarmed by the angry girls, who all took to stomping on him and hitting him with a broom, and other such things. While Ranma was taking the brunt of the punishment that should've been rightly Happosai's, the nasty little gnome went and took a seat to smoke his pipe.
He was immediately interrupted when Ranma shoved him in the back of the head. "What's the big idea? You set me up, you freak!" the ponytailed boy spat, Kenma now nearby.
"Is that any way to talk to your master?" inquired Happosai.
"We had a deal!" snapped Ranma.
"And you're no master of ours!" Kenma added.
Happosai rubbed his chin in contemplation. "Well...I don't remember making any deal...something about the terms..." he muttered.
"Is that so? Well, then allow me to refresh your memory!" Ranma remarked, before winding up and swinging at the old man, who jumped up...and landed on Ranma's wrist.
"Ohhhh! OK, I remember! You challenged me!" Happosai said as he dropped an ember from his pipe on Ranma's fist before he leapt off.
Ranma clutched his arm in pain as the ember stung it. "OK, now you've done it!" he shouted as he charged after the flippant old geezer.
Happosai laughed as he leapt effortlessly into a nearby tree. "C'mon, Ranma, catch me if ya can!" he called.
"Gladly," Ranma remarked, leaping after the old man and joining him in the tree. "Now FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!"
"Only if you promise!" Happosai said as he waved the brassiere around like a flag. "If I win, then you turn into a girl and model this for me!"
"NO WAY IN HELL!" roared Ranma, swiping at the old man, who dodged and scurried down the tree.
"Aw, you're no fun!" Happosai whined childishly before he darted through the schoolyard, flipping up the skirts of the girls as he bounded along. Fortunately, however, his mischief spree was brought to a halt by Akane, who easily plucked him up by his shirt.
"And just what do you think you're doing?" she inquired.
"I just figured I ought to enjoy my duel a bit," shrugged Happosai.
"I wasn't aware that duels involved flipping up girls' skirts and stealing their gym shorts," retorted Akane.
"It's all Ranma's fault!" whined Happosai. "If he would just listen to reason and wear the bra—"
KLONG!
"WOULD YOU SHUT UP ALREADY?!" Ranma hissed as he'd just embedded his elbow into Happosai's skull.
"Is it really such a big deal, Ranma? Why not just give him what he wants?" asked Akane.
"...what." blurted Ranma and Kenma in unison.
"After all, it's only a bra," replied Akane. [OK, am I the only one confused as to WHY Akane is actually taking Happosai's side here? Especially since Happosai is a KNOWN PERVERT. I'm telling you, this shit ain't adding up!]
"Oh, sure; that's how it starts, with 'just a bra'," remarked Kenma with a knowing shake of his head. "Then he'll be asking her to model lingerie...then revealing swimsuits...and then one day he'll ask her to pose for him IN HER GODDAMN BIRTHDAY SUIT! BUT THE LINE IN THE SAND IS DRAWN, AND IT IS DRAWN HERE!"
"Yeah, you gotta be some kinda NUT to think I'd agree to something like that!" Ranma added.
"I bet you're just afraid you'll lose~!" Happosai sneered.
"WHAT did you just say?!" spat Ranma.
"If you're not afraid, then why not agree?" asked Happosai.
Kenma scoffed. "Puh-leeze, you ratty old fossil; I'm onto your little game," he asserted. "Do you think Ranma Saotome would be THAT monumentally stupid, to fall for such an OBVIOUS PLOY?! Because if so—"
"I'll probably regret it, but you've got a deal," Ranma declared, as Kenma plotzed and fell over in shock.
"...because if so, you've done your fucking research..." the redheaded boy finished, utterly dismayed.
A FEW MINUTES LATER...
Ranma was in the schoolyard, facing off against Happosai, who was situated at the other end, clutching the brassiere. Kenma was standing off to the side, next to Akane and Aki, shaking his head in irritation.
That damned fool, he thought. Why does he have to let his pride cloud his judgement?
"So, do ya promise?!" shouted Happosai. "Cross your heart and hope to die! If you trick me, then I'll cry! And I'll tell your dad, too!"
"WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND FIGHT ALREADY?!" yelled Ranma as he leapt with a flying kick. Happosai jumped out of the way...and then landed on Ranma's back, before he covered the boy's eyes with the brassiere.
Ranma ran around in circles, trying to get Happosai off him, but as soon as he grabbed the old geezer, he felt his pipe hooking around his arm, and soon Ranma was flipped into the air like a free-range flapjack.
Happosai ran and grabbed the bra as it floated to the ground, but was immediately stomped into the pavement by Ranma. But when he jumped aside, Happosai wasn't under his shoe—rather, all that was there was a hole.
"The jerk's pulling a Bugs Bunny!" Kenma exclaimed, as a trail was tunneled under the blacktop, only for Happosai to resurface underneath some girl's skirt.
"Phew! Thought I'd almost had it for a second!" the old man wiped his forehead in relief. Pulling himself free from the hole, he dusted himself off. "Guess I'll hafta get serious."
Kenma raised an eyebrow in surprise. So that means he didn't even see this as a REAL fight?! If that's the case, then Ranma's definitely gotten into some REAL trouble...
"So what, you were just pullin' your punches?" asked Ranma.
"Well, of course I was," Happosai tsk-tsk-tsk'ed. "A quick match would be boring. How much fun would it be without some dramatic buildup, eh?"
"Oh, you're gonna pay," Ranma glowered.
"Behold, you are about to witness one of the world's most powerful forces!" Happosai declared. "The Spirit of the Founding School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts!"
And he began to cross his arms in an X-shape, as wisps of aura began to materialize around his body.
Ranma could only watch in horror as a tremendous, red-eyed apparition took full form—and it happened to resemble a demonic version of Happosai's head.
"Amazing...what a battle aura..." commented Akane.
Ranma, however, was completely motionless. I—I can't move...!
Happosai chuckled wickedly. "Something wrong, Ranma? You're usually a lot mouthier than this!" he observed.
The old man's aura has got him paralyzed—like a deer in headlights, thought Kenma. Kinda like General Blue's paralysis technique!
"C'mon, Ranma!" he called. "You've got to break free!"
"I'm looking forward to seeing you in this little number," smirked Happosai as he held up the bra. "Do ya want it over or under your clothes, my pretty?"
That was the motivation Ranma needed; it was all it took to force his brain to send a signal to the rest of his body: MOVE, DAMN YOU!
"I...would sooner die...THAN WEAR THAT!" Ranma grunted as he broke free, and began launching punch after punch at Happosai, using what Ken had taught him about the Roasted Chestnut Fist.
However, the old geezer effortlessly avoided the blows. "Still moving, even AFTER I struck you with my battle aura!" he observed as he grabbed Ranma's wrist with his pipe again. "Impressive!" And he flung Ranma three feet backwards without breaking a sweat.
And despite this, Ranma remained undeterred; he just pulled himself to his feet and got into a fighting stance.
"See that there's still a fire in yer belly, eh?" asked Happosai. "Maybe you're worthy of fighting after all...en garde, Ranma!"
Cupping his hands and putting them outward, Happosai released a massive, dragon-shaped aura that roared towards Ranma. Everyone screamed, a few covering their eyes with their hands.
But when they removed their hands from their eyes...Happosai was gone! Glancing around, it was apparent that there wasn't a single sign of him anywhere.
"...are you alright?" asked Kenma as he and Akane approached his exhausted brother.
Ranma dropped to his knees, his face slicked with sweat. "Yeah...I think so..." he panted.
Kenma nodded. "Good," he replied, seconds before he drew his fist back and belted him in the stomach.
"Ah!" Ranma groaned as he clutched his stomach in pain. "What the hell, man?!"
"How many times are you going to let yourself be goaded into these stupid fights, Ranma?" Kenma spat. "I thought you would have more common sense than that!"
"Hey, he was bein' a pain!" insisted Ranma. "He was callin' me out!"
"And instead of ignoring him like a sensible person, you just PICKED UP THE GODDAMN PHONE!" Kenma shouted.
"Come on!" Ranma stated. "Nobody would've gotten hurt...y'know, besides me."
"And what then? When you recover, you go right on back to doing this until it gets WORSE next time?!" Kenma continued. "YOU MIGHT END UP DEAD! YOU THINK I CAN DEAL WITH THAT?!"
Now Ranma felt like a major-league imbecile for falling for such an obvious ploy. "I-I'm sorry, bro..." he responded, bowing his head.
Kenma's anger gradually dissolved into concern, and he placed a hand on his brother's shoulder. "...you know I only get mad because I care, right?" he asked.
Ranma nodded. "Yeah, I know," he replied. "It's just that...sometimes you don't know how stupid ya really are until someone spells it out for ya."
"Well, that's why I'm here," responded Kenma. "T'keep you from doin' stupid shit."
"Yep," agreed Ranma. "I just feel so stupid for falling into such an obvious trap..."
"Well, now you're a little wiser for the experience. And maybe next time you'll know not to fall for such a lame setup," stated Kenma. "Especially since I'll be there to remind you."
Ranma simply nodded and let out a sigh of frustration. "But that begs the question. Where did the little creep go, anyway?" he asked. "Besides, he's no ordinary lech..."
At that point, there were screams overheard...and they were all coming from the ladies' locker room.
"Guess, man, guess," replied Kenma, pointing towards the screams.
AND SO, FINALLY...
As Akane, Aki, Kenma and Ranma glanced through the window of the volleyball team locker room, they saw Happosai glomming onto one of the girls inside.
"Get off me, you pervert!" she screamed.
"Don't wanna! Don't wanna!" Happosai protested. "Besides, I threw a challenge match to follow you in here! The least you could do is gimme a little sugar!"
And off he went, bouncing onto the other girls as well.
"Like I said, he's no ordinary lech..." stated Ranma. "...he's an extraordinary lech!"
"So how do you guys intend to beat him?" asked Akane. "He's the one who trained our fathers!"
Kenma shook his head. "Nobody's unbeatable, that's for sure. Everyone has a weakness," he declared. "And when we find his...then his goose is cooked!"
IN OUR NEXT EPISODE...
It's a confectionery crisis when Akane bakes up some cookies, and she's determined to get Ranma to taste them. But Kodachi's also eager to get the Saotome Brothers to sample her baked treats, and a little blackmail can go a very long way.
Do Ranma and Kenma have the stomachs to put up with this mayhem? Or are they biting off more than they can chew?
Don't miss "How the Cookie Crumbles", the next exciting episode of "Ranma 1/2: The Life & Times of Kenma Saotome"!