Chapter 40
James I'm tired. It's been a long day. I'm sorry for whatever that was just now. Obviously, I'm not thinking clearly. There's anger inside of me that hasn't a right to be there. Causing a scene in a public place isn't normal for me. This is embarrassing for both of us. I'm truly out of sorts. Please accept my apology.
Again, what do you want? Why have you come to my room at one o'clock in the morning? Why are you here?"
"I'm here because I… I need to talk to you. Think about it Tessa, why would I come to your room in the middle of the night? We have unfinished business and you know it! We have things to discuss."
"Listen, we don't need to discuss anything. We're unable to keep a civil tongue when we speak to each other. We express unwarranted anger when in each other's company. It has to stop. I know you love my children. You'll always want a presence in their lives but perhaps we shouldn't cross the path of the other. I held the illusion that we could still be friends. I'm beginning to think I was wrong, so very wrong.
I know that you have hated me all these years for what I had done. You couldn't even look at me for the last twenty-four years. I understood why. There was a time I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. That was horrible business that happened that night. What I did. I still don't understand fully why I did it. I shouldn't have come to you in the heat of the night because my marriage was such a failure. We had once been friends and lovers. I thought… Actually, what I thought is of little import now.
I had no one that night. I was seeking shelter from the miserable life that I had created for myself. My hurt and humiliation had no place at your door. I was young but I was old enough to know better. What I need to do right now is to get some rest and clear my head. I truly don't understand where I am right now."
"You're here with me Tessa. You're here with me for a reason. I know you're tired, out of sorts, and as you said you're angry. Nonetheless, we need to talk. We are going to talk right now, this morning, at one-thirty AM Eastern Standard Time in the United States of America. I'm angry too. I've been angry for more than thirty years. I'm tired also but we're still going to talk.
There's not a doubt in my mind that someone from Grant Security is outside of that door. Grant is very much in love with your daughter. He protects her and her family now. That includes you. Our little scene on the other side of that door, that man won't take it lightly. We're going to talk Tessa. What I have to say won't be speedy. I'd appreciate it if you would step to that door and advise the man that all is truly well and he can return to his base. Could you do that?"
"I could if you really believe he's out there. Why would Fitzgerald Grant have someone watching me? I know he loves Olivia, it's very obvious. You honestly believe he has this entire floor under surveillance? He's watching us all? Isn't that an invasion of privacy. Perhaps it's a step too far. I don't…"
"Tessa, men will go to great lengths to protect what is theirs. You're Olivia's mother. Do you honestly think the man would allow something to happen to you while you're on American soil, under his watch? You're here, we're all here because seven months ago Fitzgerald Grant came to our island and swooped up our most precious gem. He intends to keep her Tessa. Her happiness is his everything right now. He knows the girl loves her family. He is duty bound to protect her family, but especially you."
"Of course. A man such as Grant would guard us all. Even you I suppose. Olivia loves you too you know. You are very special to her. You're like a father to her. More so than Thomas Pope ever was. Yes, I must send the poor man on his way. I'll be right back."
James watched Tessa walk to door open it and start to speak. He lets out a sigh. It's finally going to happen! The conversation he and Tessa should've had more than a quarter century ago was finally going to happen. They had been deeply in love all those years ago. A man knows when he is loved by his woman. Yet, she had made a choice that had nearly destroyed him. A choice that had left him bitter and broken. She had married another man and bore his children. He had been played for a fool and tonight he would find out why. He would look her in the face and know why she had forsaken him.
Fitz was holding Olivia tight and whispering sweet nothings into her ear. Actually, it was more than sweet nothings. He was being very descriptive about what was going to happen to her once they got to their suite. It was graphic. He was making her burn! Heat was pooling at her core. She moved her body closer to his hoping to uncoil some the sexual heat within her. The graduation party had been great but she was ready to retire to their suite. She wanted him. She wanted him to feel the fire she was feeling.
Luckily the graduation party was ending in thirty minutes. This was their last dance of the night. After that they would spend the next several minutes saying goodbye to family and friends. The entire weekend had been a marvel. Fitz had thought of everything and it had been perfect. More perfection was to come!
He was going to make the sweetest love to her tonight and she knew it. They were spending the night in the penthouse suite. Olivia could barely conceal her enthusiasm as they had walked around the room saying goodnight. Tomorrow morning a breakfast would cap off her graduation weekend. Not surprising, most of the guests had remained the entire weekend. An absolutely free weekend in America was a quick sell.
Her father hadn't bothered to accept the generous offer. She was glad that he hadn't. Olivia was sure he would've done something to spoil her perfect weekend. It was better that he was being vengeful and spiteful rather than to show up here.
"This has been so incredible Fitz. Thank-you for loving me so much. This weekend has meant the world to me. Having my friends and family here to share my triumph has warmed my heart. Your family coming all the way from France to support me was awesome. I don't think I can imagine a happier event Fitz. I've had a glorious weekend."
"There will be a happier event, Olivia. The day you become my wife comes to mind. You haven't forgotten you promised to marry me, have you?
"Of course not! You see this huge diamond on my finger and all those beautifully crafted stones that surround it? Did you see the way I flaunted those carats all night long? I haven't forgotten for one minute. And Mr. Grant, I'm thinking we should do it sooner rather than later. I love you Fitz. You love me back. We already live together. What in the world are we waiting for?"
"Olivia, I didn't ask that question to rush you into marriage. I was just reminding you that you promised and I'm holding you to it."
"I know that but I have been giving it considerable thought. We will embark on a very exclusive journey in June. We move into our first home together. In December we'll have been engaged for a year. Also, I'll have completed a half of year-one of residency. By then we'll know how all of this is working. I anticipate all will be well. According to your mother it could take a year to plan our wedding. I want to set a wedding date at Christmas Fitz. I see no reason at all for us to have a protracted engagement. Do you?"
Fitzgerald Grant was smiling like he had stolen something. She wasn't going to make him wait years and years to claim her. Maybe next year this time there would be a wedding to celebrate. He was hopeful. He was thrilled beyond his wildest dreams. Olivia wanted to marry him sooner rather than later. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her passionately and intimately. He was beyond caring that this was extreme PDA. The kiss only ended when it finally registered in his brain that someone was tapping him on the shoulder.
"Hey Grant, how about you get a room? I've been informed by my wife that there's a time limit on a proper public kiss. It seems that you two are over the limit."
"Tommy, your sister has made me the happiest man on the planet again. We're going to set a wedding date at the end of the year. That my man, is good news that must be sealed with a kiss. Your sister's kisses tend to make me do very improper things."
"Fitz! Stop That! You too Tommy! He's right however. Everyone is staring at us. The hotel staff and everyone that's still here has eyed glued to us. Were we really kissing that long Tommy?"
"It wasn't so much that the kiss was long. You two were in your own little world. You were clinging to him like a vine and Fitz was just about to start those improper things he just mentioned. Look, it's not a big deal. It was a little steamy but you two haven't broken one rule that I can see. I'm only here because my wife insisted that I intervene. I see absolutely nothing wrong with PDA."
"Are you okay Olivia? I honestly did forget where I was for a minute. With you in my arms I forget a lot of things. I was so elated and you fit so perfectly in my arms. I should have had more control."
"No Fitz, everything you have said and done tonight was perfect! I'm not going to let you even come close to apologizing for loving me and being happy we're soon to marry. We were celebrating a new level of our love affair. PDA is part of the package." Olivia whispered something in Fitz' ear that made him blush and his ears turned red.
Olivia then looked at her brother and said, "You're right Tommy, we do need a room. What say you, Mr. Grant?"
"I say I love you, Dr. Pope, hopelessly."
"You two are too much. Go to bed. I'm sure no one will mind if I say your goodnights for you. You both look hot and bothered. Go on, get out of here!"
The lovers wasted no time retiring to their suite. After closing the door and locking it Fitz turned back to Olivia. His smile was devastating. It was just for her. He wanted so her much. He had been so patient all night but all of that was over.
"Let me see you, Livvy. Take off your clothes."
"I promise I will. Remember I told you there was something I have wanted to do all night? It's imperative that it's done even before we get to the bedroom. Do you mind?"
"Livvy, I could never deny you anything."
"It's going to be about you first, tonight. I insist. Stay right where you are and wait for me. Do not move! He didn't. He stood there waiting as she had instructed.
She looked around for what she sought. There it was, a sofa pillow. She walked back to where he stood and placed the pillow on the floor at his feet. Once on her knees she looked up at him with that smile that was reserved only for him. She touched the front of his pants. There was swift intake of his breath but his eyes never left her. She reached for zipper of his pants. Her name was barely audible when it left his mouth. "Livvy." Was it a question or was it a plea? It didn't matter she wanted to love him this way. She had wanted to all night.
Unzipped and unleashed she found him just as she knew she would. He was so hard and in need of her. She admired what she saw. It was to be an instrument of so much pleasure for her tonight. Her fingers traced down the length of him. Her tongue emerged from her mouth to lick her lips before she looked up at him. He had braced himself against the door. He was watching, waiting, anticipatory. He knew he would need his strength and will power to keep standing. Round one had been initiated. His woman was about to blow his mind!
"I love you Fitzgerald Grant with all my heart." And then she proceeded to show him how much!
"You were right James. The man was standing there right outside of the door. I wouldn't be surprised if his ear had not been glued at the door. He apologized while politely letting me know he was only doing his job. I couldn't very well blame the man for that. He's gone, but dare I say, I suspect he's only out of sight. Back to our conversation, I think we should call it a night. Perhaps when we are back at home and calmer heads prevail, would a better time for us to talk."
"Not a chance in hell Tessa! We will say what needs to be said tonight. I have questions that I want answered."
"Really? I'm not the Tessa Pope you knew in the islands James Lockheed. I'm a divorcee that is on her own once again. I have been badgered, bullied, and maltreated for over half of my lifetime. No one tells me what I will and will not do anymore. I'm not sure what you thought to interrogate me about but I don't have to answer one question from you! You may go to the buxom beauty you were salivating over for the last two days. Ask her your questions."
"You're brushing me off over some damned woman with big titties that I don't even know. Are you serious, right now?"
"I told you that I wasn't in a good place. I'm mad and I'm… I don't know what I am but I don't want to talk to you!"
"You're what Tessa? You're pissed off because I dared to look at another woman? You're mad and jealous? Over a woman that I met two days ago? Over a woman that you think I would rather fuck than you?"
"You're being crass James Lockheed. I never said I was jealous. Those are your words. I don't care who you fuck. That's your business."
"So, you are still going to try and play me Tessa? You're going to deny your feelings for me for some inane reason and go on like you and I never happened. You did that once and foolishly I let you. Not this time. And unlike you, I do care who you're fucking. It has been floating around in my brain for more than thirty years. I loved you and you loved me. Yet, you left me and gave yourself to someone else. I want to know why, dammit? I want to know how I could've been so wrong about us? Talk to me Tessa. Because I swear, I'm not leaving this room until you do!"
"What's there to say James? We had a tumultuous love affair many years ago and it ended. It ended badly. I went back to my husband. I chose that life. Perhaps it was what I deserved."
"I only saw your marriage from the outside looking in. But no one deserves to be maltreated Tessa, regardless of the type of relationship you enter into. The man abused you. I saw proof of that with my own eyes. You have pushed ahead to the years of your marriage to Thomas Pope. What of the years before that? What about the almost two years that you lay with me in my bed, professing to love me above all others? You gave me possession of your body to have and hold as I chose Tessa. Yes, your precious maidenhead was left intact, but do you honestly believe I left it that way for another man to breech? I wasn't that goddamned sanctimonious Tessa. I fully expected that I would be your husband. I expected that right to be mine!
Instead, I saw you choose another man. I watched you cloak yourself in a white gown and marry Thomas Pope. You deceived him as you deceived me. You were a virgin in name only. And the words you uttered to me night after night and in the light of day were all lies and deceit! My heart broke in half the day you told me you had decided to become a doctor's wife. The day you actually married one, you shattered that same heart into a million pieces. How I stood and I watched you pledge your trough to him, how I handed him a ring to put on your finger, and how I listened to that minister declare you his wife; I don't fucking know. I thought they were the worst moments of my life Tessa. But they weren't. They were eclipsed six years later by you getting up from my bed with my semen dripping from your body and returning to a man that abused you. What the fuck was that, Tessa?
Yes, we had a tumultuous love affair. You ended it. As you say, you chose that life. Tonight, you will give me the courtesy of telling me why. I know I never discussed marriage. I didn't think I had to. We loved each other. In my mind, that is commitment. I believed we had a future but we didn't. You gave me everything on our last night together. You held back nothing. That night was all I ever dreamed Tessa. Until you got up and walked away from me again. I want to know why?"
Tessa had stood there listening to it all. He was very angry and he was baring his soul. And it wasn't easy. Jimmy always laced his hands together when he was nervous and upset. She was afraid he would snap fingers soon as he interlaced them back and forth. He was finally calling her out for her perfidy. She knew this day was coming but she wasn't sure under what conditions. She wanted James Lockheed back in her life. She had plans to get him back there and she had thought it would be easy. She still loved him and she imagined she could get him to love her again.
She was still passably attractive. She now had money. And she wasn't above using her physical assets to attract him. In fact, somewhere in the future she had plans to outright seduce him. He was a man after all. Nonetheless, she hadn't seen this coming. At least not this way. He was so angry and he wanted her to know it. He had demands that would be met before they could move forward at all.
She was so ashamed of what she had done. It was unforgivable in her book. She was afraid that it was in Jimmy's book as well. She had left him with an image of her as no more than a tramp. She had laid down with him doing things that are normally reserved for a husband and wife. She had lived for the pleasure that James Lockheed had given her. In return she had given him everything she possessed except her virginity. That was reserved for her future husband. And she'd given him every right to believe that she'd chosen him to be that husband.
Thomas Pope came back home with a diamond ring and a mouth full of flattery. Fool that she was, she fell into his trap. She had put the love that she had for Jimmy aside to become the wife of a doctor. To obtain status and a certain standing in the community, she had given up this wonderful man standing before her lacing his hands furiously. She had ruined him and herself. There was no way in hell he would ever forgive her. His tone and demeanor were saying it all. Her dreams of them together again had been the dreams of a fool. He hated her! She had looked into his eyes as he spoke and currently, she saw no forgiveness there. He was so angry! That pent-up anger had been festering for years.
She had left him once for the notoriety of being a doctor's wife. What the hell was her excuse the second time. Another degree of shame washed over her. She had committed adultery with this man for hours and had gotten up from his bed like a common whore and slithered back to her abusive husband. Looking down at her feet, her eyes were filling with tears. She was going to lose him, again. She was sure of it because she had broken his trust. Without trust could they have any form of a relationship? He was angry and blamed her solely for his torment. She didn't think that she could bear any more of his anger right now. This was Jimmy. In her heart she knew he would never hurt but his anger was suffocating. The brave new Tessa Adderley had gone.
"James, I'm not sure that I have the strength to do this right now. I know what you want from me, but I don't believe I can address it this morning. I thought because I had restructured my life that I could survive anything at this point, even your anger. You have every right to be angry. I expected it. I thought I could face it. Right now, I'm not so sure."
"Tessa, today is the day that we talk this out. I won't allow you to put it off. Talk to me. I see the tears in your eyes. Let them flow and talk to me. Yes, I'm angry, but please don't categorize me with your ex-husband. I'm not Thomas Pope and I never will be. I would never hurt you Tess, not ever. It's just you and me. Tess and Jimmy. Tell me what happened to us."
The tears began to flow freely from her eyes. She hadn't wanted him to see her cry. She wanted him to believe her strong and independent. Right now, she was neither. She was woman that was hurting. And none of it was for herself. It was for the man standing before her. She had hurt him so much. She was so ashamed of what she had taken from him, from them. Right now, she was a woman not knowing what she could say to savage her relationship with this man. That revelation frightened her because she wasn't sure she wanted to continue the rest of this life without him.
She looked up at him and her heart began an unusual pacing. She wanted to run from this place. She wished that she were home in the islands. She wanted some peace right now. This confrontation wasn't going to be a good thing. She could feel the bad voodoo circling the room. She had to get out of here!
James knew that she thought to run. It wasn't going to happen. He reached out and grabbed her hand. He placed his thumb on the rapidly beating pulse at her wrist. Then he took her hand and brought that wrist to his lips. He placed a kiss where her pulse pounded like a drum. He tilted up her head so she could look into his eyes. There was an intense focus on her but his eyes weren't ablaze with the anger that had been within them earlier. There was no more time. All of the chickens were at her door.
"Look at me Tessa and believe that you are safe with me. Calm heart. Lower your pulse and talk to me."
"I loved you, Jimmy. I swear on the lives of my children that I did. More than anything I loved you. I was prepared to tell Thomas that we were done. I didn't have a ring. I only had a few letters and an occasional phone call to even suggest that Thomas and I were anything. Let alone engaged. That Sunday that he came home unexpectedly. I had spent most of Saturday at your place and I was very happy about it. He came over around noon saying he had arrived late the night before and wanted to surprise me. I was shocked for sure because nothing in his letters implied he was coming home. He wasn't due back home until summer.
He said he had made a special trip home to bring me my engagement ring. He claimed he had been saving every extra cent he had to buy me that ring. Years later I was told by his mother that she had purchased the ring herself, even picked it out. Jimmy had never even seen the ring before that weekend. It was beautiful that ring. I had never seen one more enchanting. I was amazed that he had saved all of "his" money to buy it for me. He said the ring would make us official. After his graduation in May, we would be married in the summer just as we had planned. Thing was we hadn't made any plans of any kind. He had asked me to marry him two years ago and to consider myself engaged. That was our alleged love story.
He claimed he was deeply in love with me. He was immersed into his studies over the last couple of years and he had neglected me over that course of time. He was going to make all up to me. He promised me such a good life as a doctor's wife. I would never want for anything. The children that I would give him would lead extraordinary lives. He would shower me with diamonds, cars, a beautiful home, maids, nannies for the children, everything my heart could desire. He would pay for me to pursue my doctorate. He promised to treat me like a queen. He said he loved me above anything else in his life. He promised to cherish me. All of it was lies of course but I didn't know that.
He left for the states later that night. I put the ring back into its box and in a drawer. I fell right back into my routine with you. I didn't tell you he had come back and had made our engagement official. I didn't tell you that suddenly he was always calling saying that he loved me and that we were going to make a wonderful family together. I didn't know what to do. I felt an obligation to him even though I was seeing you and involved in a sexual affair."
"And telling me that you loved me."
"I did do that Jimmy. I wasn't lying, I loved you."
"So, you loved Tommy too? You loved him more? What was the story, Tessa?"
"I didn't love Tommy at all. For some insane reason, I convinced myself that love wasn't the most important thing in life. At the time I thought that prestige and money were more important. I wanted to live a life of luxury. I wanted my children to have everything that having lots of money could buy."
"And you surmised that I could never give you those things because I was just a lowly fisherman?"
"To be honest I did. I thought you were content to be a fisherman all your life. I thought I wanted more in a husband."
"You thought a fisherman was good enough to fuck every which way possible but one right? Your precious virginity you saved for your husband, right?"
"Jimmy, you never said a word about marriage. You never said that you wanted more."
"I needed to spell it out for you? I loved you Tessa, more than you could imagine. You said you loved me too. People that loved the way we did, they eventually get to marriage. I hadn't made my way in the world but I had plans. I even told you of some of them. My dreams about the tourist boat and acquiring property, we discussed it. You were planning to teach at the University. Surely you remember such discussions?"
"I do, but I thought…"
"You thought what? Because I didn't have a fancy college degree at the time it was a pipe dream? You decided that I could fulfill your sexual fantasies at the moment but not your long-term dreams?
"You are misjudging me, Jimmy. I thought you were content to be where you were. I guess I didn't believe enough in you. I did love you though, with all my heart. To be honest, I didn't know how to tell Thomas no. He bombarded me with so much stuff. It was like I was being held hostage. I felt I had no choice but to go forward with the marriage."
"Okay but why wait months after the fact to tell me of your decision? I deserved to know up front and you know it! It felt like you simply used me to satisfy your needs and then threw me the fuck away."
"No, it wasn't like that at all. I agonized over this thing so much. If you remember I lost almost twenty pounds that spring. You thought I was sick remember?"
"I remember. I started to ply you with sweets and loads of carbohydrates. Still, you never saw fit to advise me that you had accepted Thomas Pope and planned to marry him? I really don't put it past him to have somehow found out about us and shammed us both. He was always devious Tessa. I feared for you long before you confirmed my suspicions."
"I don't know. He never implied to me that he suspected me of anything. His only concern seemed to be that he had to force himself inside of me on our wedding night. He had proof I was a "virgin" bride. We both know that wasn't quite what he acquired. He did get to breech a hymen though. Which he did without any preliminaries at all. The man was a brute that night. Could we leave him out of this discussion."
"We could, if he were not the reason we're having this discussion. So, you married the man out of obligation and then you stayed with him for six years. I gather that they weren't six pleasant years. You imply the man brutalized you mentally and physically. Yet you stayed and portrayed the happy wife whenever I saw you. What was that about Tessa? Why pretend that the marriage was happy when it was not?"
"To admit to anything other than happiness would have only made it worst. Don't you see? I gave you up to be a doctor's wife. I didn't want to be the wife of a lowly fisherman. It was snobbish and ruthless what I did. I loved you and you loved me. I threw it all away to try and live in some nonexistent fantasy world. I deserved all that happened to me, every bit of it. I absorbed my disappointment and doted on my son. His love and devotion kept me sane during those early years. I don't know what I would've done without Tommy.
When I came to you that night I had stood up to Thomas. I said no to him. I refused to submit to him. I told him he was an adulterer and to go to his whores to empty his cock. He became enraged! I had spoken to him like that only once before and he had punished me severely. He had been a doctor with purpose. He only struck and mauled me in places where the bruises and battering couldn't be seen. It was a well taught lesson. I never "sassed" him again, until that night. The look in his eyes, he intended to beat me into submission that night. Years ago, I had promised myself NEVER again. I would take all the verbal abuse and all else he deemed to torture me with but I would never be beaten like that again.
Enraged, he struck me as hard as he could almost knocking off of my feet. I didn't fall, I stood and I struck him back as hard as could. I was looking around for a weapon. I intended to fight back and he knew it. He followed me and pushed down to the floor. He kicked me hard in the abdomen and told me to get out. Once I could breathe and get my bearings, I ran to Tommy's room to get him. Thomas was there, blocking the door. He wouldn't let me take my son with me. I could see it in his eyes. He had found a new way to control me. I left Overton Place completely defeated.
The previous pattern had been for me to run to my sisters until there was calm in the household. They had welcomed me in until they realized he was abusing me. Eventually they had made a pact never to shelter me again unless I left Thomas for good. That night I knew that I couldn't go to them.
I had nowhere to go. I didn't have enough money for a decent room. I couldn't stay on the streets. You were my friend and lover once, so I came to you. Reluctantly, you let me in but then you saw evidence of my abuse and you became enraged. As angry as you were, I had to stop you, Jimmy. You would have killed him without a doubt if you had left your house. I knew that if I offered myself to you, you wouldn't go."
"So, you bartered the for the life of your abusive husband with sex? Apparently, you did have some feelings for the bastard. You saved his life Tessa. If I had left my house that night, I would indeed be in a prison right now. I would've killed him with my bare hands for the marks he put upon you."
James Lockheed was thinking to himself that he may yet kill Thomas Pope. The things he had done to Tessa were without honor and shameful. She had suffered at his hands and there would be a reckoning. However, at this point in time his focus was Tessa and the future he hoped to forge with her. She was talking and he was listening. The process of them coming together again was inevitable. What they were doing now was uncovering the darkness so they could emerge into the light.
"I knew I could stop you with my body Jimmy. The craving that we had for each other was always stark and undeniable. I used that craving to stop you. But make no mistake, I have no feelings for Thomas Pope. I loathed him then as I do now. It was a barter of sorts but I wanted to be in your bed for reasons other than that. I missed what I had shared with you in that bed. I missed you. I missed loving you and having you love me back."
"So, what was between us, it was all about squelching your desires. It was all about sex."
"No, it wasn't and you know it. I wanted that night more than anything. I also needed to soothe my wounded pride. In my mind I had given you up for nothing. I was ashamed of my actions. More than anything I wanted to know that I could feel something with a man again, with you. That one night was everything to me. That night refueled my heart and my soul. Being with you was everything I had ever dreamed a true sexual encounter should be. I'll savor that night for the rest of my life."
"I suspect that we both will. It was the first time I had completely possessed you. The feel of you completely destroyed my mind that night. I couldn't get enough of you. I couldn't get deep enough. I couldn't come inside of you enough. That night watching you come for me again and again. I couldn't explain to you in words what that night meant to me. When we finally came together, when I was buried deeply inside of you; we both came so hard and so fierce. I have lived to experience that again.
That night meant everything to me. I couldn't hold back saying how much I still loved you. You said it loud and clear that you loved me too. You said you had never stopped loving me, Tessa. I offered you all I had at time. I was certainly not as rich as I am now, but I was rich. I would've protected you and Tommy too."
"I left you Jimmy, but I didn't want to. Thomas was holding Tommy over my head. If I were not back at a certain time, he had promised punishment. I wanted to stand my ground but Thomas had all the power. I returned home and I was determined that once Tommy got off of that school bus, we were leaving that place for good. Thomas Pope was one step ahead of me. He had picked Tommy up from school himself.
He began his tirade the moment I stepped through the door. If I thought to separate him from his son, he would see me in hell first! Tommy was his son and he would never let me have him. He would sue me in court for being an unfit mother and he would win. I could go anywhere I chose to go but not his son. I begged him to let us go. He was so ugly right in front of Tommy. The child was frightened to death! It was an awful scene.
I couldn't leave Tommy alone with him. I had to stay there. As his mother I had to protect him. I stayed but I still had hope for us even after all you had said. You told me if I left you that morning I could never come back. I didn't believe you at first but then you shunned me so completely I had to believe that you no longer cared for me. You wouldn't even say hello to me Jimmy. You made it quite clear that you hated me for returning to Thomas. Seeing you pick-up my children over the years and become devoted to them warmed my heart. What was left of it. You wouldn't even look at me, their mother. How could you hate me so much after what we shared?"
"I could never hate you Tessa, surely you knew that. The indifference I showed you was necessary for my peace of mind. You had to have known that I still cared for you. I've spent more than thirty years coveting another man's wife AND his children. I couldn't very well express what I felt for you out in the open."
"You've coveted me? You've wanted me all these years? Even those years you spent with another woman on your arm?
"Yes, I loved you even then. It was why I could never commit to the relationship. Again, it was always you. You should have come back to me Tessa and told me that he had threatened to take Tommy from you. That wouldn't stand, I would've never allowed him to keep your child from you. You should've never left me Tessa. Not thirty years ago, not twenty-four years ago."
"I know that now. Both times that I left you were the biggest mistakes of my life. My children are scarred for life because of my association with Thomas Pope. They deserved a better man to raise them. Can you forgive me Jimmy for what I did to us? Saying that I'm sorry is such an understatement. I regret every minute that I've spent away from you in the last thirty years. I've never stopped loving you. Can you forgive me? Will you give me another chance to show you how much I love you?"
Jimmy closed his eyes and finally dropped his hands to his sides. He let out a long sigh and opened his eyes. Tessa was standing in front of him her eyes once again glazed in tears. She looked so vulnerable and so young. The Pope matron had been replaced with the woman he had loved so much, just a more mature version. He opened his arms to her.
"Come here Tess. Forgiveness is easily given to someone you love. Let me hold you." She flew into his arms hugging him with all her might. He held on tightly to her as well. He didn't kiss her. He wanted to but he wasn't sure if they could survive a kiss without tumbling into bed. He'd been dreaming about tumbling her into one for months. It had a been an agonizing thought since he found out she was divorced. He wanted her back in his bed but they needed to continue their present conversation. He would leave no stone unturned this time. He wanted a secure and lasting relationship with her. That was his ultimate goal. They would end up burning up the sheets soon enough!
"Jimmy, you've forgiven me for leaving you?"
"Tessa all is fair in love. I love you. It's always been you. Even the few times I've been involved with other women, it's always been you."
"I prayed that you would wait for me. I have been so jealous of you and other women. I wanted to scratch the eyes from that hussy at the party. I've always considered you mine Jimmy. I had always planned to come to you once Olivia was grown but then I became frightened that you wouldn't want an older version of me. When Olivia found her Mr. Grant, I had decided to come to you whether you still wanted me or not."
"I'd take you back at any age Tessa. Believe that. You stole my heart years ago. However, this time around I want things to be different. I want a courtship out in the open. I want us to spend time together, to become reacquainted. I want you to stay here in the states with me for a while. We need to make the adjustment of re-entering each other's lives. I imagine it sounds silly considering all we've been through but I feel we still have things to discuss and lay to rest."
"Jimmy, we do have much to discuss. I want us to get our relationship right this time. We are too old to make errors this time around but a courtship? An old-fashioned courtship as in dinner and dating? I get what you are saying but we've been separated for years. You said it's always been me but you don't seem that excited about a reunion. I'm speaking of a sexual reunion. I meant it when I said that I missed you. I miss the way we used to be. I want to be with you. I know we are older but…"
James Lockheed moved his body into Tessa's. He pulled her closer so she could feel his need for her. He was hard as could be. He whispered into her ear. "Does that feel like I don't want you, Tess? I may have only been inside you for one night but I damn sure didn't forget it. It was a night to remember. I want you right now as much as I ever did. I'm older but I'm not dead, yet. We're going to get back to that side of our relationship sooner rather than later."
"I'm relieved to know that you still want me. We've been apart for so long. I imagine your needs may not be the same as I remembered. I worried that…"
"Tessa you are worried for no reason. You and I jumped into a relationship with Thomas Pope in betwixt us. We were always in the shadows. We never did the things that most normal couples do. I think it's why you didn't realize my total love and devotion to you. I never wanted us in the shadows, never!
You told me of your hopes and dreams remember? I had planned to move heaven and earth to see them fulfilled. I can understand that you thought that I wouldn't back then. All of that's in the past as far as I'm concerned. We've broken the barrier between us. We go forward from this moment with love and trust. No more lies between us. Just let me hold you. I've dreamed of this moment for so long. You feel so good in my arms."
"I've dreamed of it also. Why won't you kiss me, Jimmy? What's wrong? You say you still love me and you want me but you haven't even tried to kiss me! I loved your kisses. You always kissed me first thing."
"Tessa, I'm trying to be a gentleman. My very first thought was to pick you up and take you into that bedroom and keep you there for days. It's still my inclination but we aren't done talking. I asked you to explain yourself and your actions first. I wanted to know why you married Tommy in the first place. I wanted to know why you went back to him after sharing true intimacy with me. I've accepted your explanation and apology. I intend to put the past behind us.
I hope you will forgive me for my bad behavior over the years and my little cursing rant tonight. I was tremendously hurt by your actions. To mask that hurt in the past I either ignored you or lashed out at you. It wasn't the right thing to do. I'm genuinely sorry. We are going to get back on track but I don't want to rush into a sexual relationship without examining the issues that got us where we are.
Don't think I can't remember the way it was between us. I can. I've had many a sleepless night dreaming about you Tessa Adderley. We aren't going to rush into anything this time. I want the chance to court you properly. Once we are on the footing I think we need, we can move on to other things. We did this thing your way once before. You left me behind. It's not going to happen this time!"
"Exactly what are these issues, James Lockheed? What type of footing do we need? I love you. You love me. I want you and you obviously want me. Why can't we rush into a sexual relationship? We're both over fifty years old and as you know I'm not an untried virgin. I've been dreaming of being with you again. We have wasted enough time."
"Yes, we have. I love you, Tessa. I have for most of my life. I've been given a second chance; we've been given a second chance. I'm only asking for a few weeks, maybe a month Tessa. You asked me to wait thirty years! Is a couple of weeks of getting to know each other again such a bad idea? And we need to talk to Olivia and Tommy. They deserve to know the truth about us Tessa. In fact, I'm sure Tommy already suspects something. He gave me your room number tonight."
"Tommy suspects there's something between us? Have we been that obvious all these years? I don't know what to say. If he knows perhaps, he isn't the only one. You're right Jimmy, they have to be told about us."
Tessa turned out of his arms and walked a few yards away from him. She had tensed in his arms. Who better than she knew that they had issues to discuss. She had hopes that they could put the most vital issue off for a while. She wasn't an evil calculating woman but she wanted to share her secret with Jimmy after they had bonded again. To be specific, in her mind she had felt once they were lovers again and their relationship was strengthened by a sexual bond; maybe Jimmy wouldn't be angry at what she had to tell him. Her secret had haunted her for a long time. It wasn't a bad thing really, but it was lying. It was lying by omission.
She wanted James Lockheed back. She had wanted to turn back the clock and pick-up where they had left off. She wanted to go forward as if they had no past. They did have a past and she had buried a secret about it. She knew what she and Jimmy had shared in the bedroom. Their one night of total passion still left her weak thinking about it. She had given him everything that night. It had been glorious those hours of lovemaking. And he had given her everything. She experienced pleasure like she had never dreamed possible.
Nevertheless, she had left his bed and gone home to her faithless husband that held her son over her head. There she once again found nothing but indifference and sorrow. Thomas Pope lashed out at her on her return. He had threatened to take her precious son from her and deny her visitation! He took her pin money from her, dismissed the cook and the housekeeper. And he refused to look at her. 'When I'm around Tessa stay out of my sight. You may call me when my meals are ready. I haven't any desire to look at you right now! You refused your husband conjugal rights. You had the audacity to strike me, your lawful husband. You wanted to take my son from me. There must be consequences for that. I refuse to share a bed with you. You may take the blue room. If and when I come to desire you again, I will let you know. You will learn to become a proper wife.'
She had been properly dismissed by her husband. All of the so-called amenities of her great marriage were taken away from her. He believed her unworthy of his touch so he banned her from his bed. She could live without his money, a cook, a housekeeper, and most definitely she had no desire to be in his bed. She had always been repulsed by his touch even before she had married him. Their wedding night was a disaster and every night that followed it. She had done her duty on nights that he turned to her which was rare. It was a reprieve that she welcomed his banishing her to the blue room. It was in that room a little more than six weeks later that she realized James Lockheed had given her more than just immeasurable pleasure. He had given her something else, something more precious than gold!
She should've gone to him then with Tommy in tow. Jimmy would've have protected her, loved her, and given her children a home. What a fool she had been! And now her chickens were coming home to roost. She wasn't going to be allowed time to create an impenetrable bond with Jimmy before she told him her secret. It was callous of her anyway to think that sex could be used that way. Desperation caused people to become foolish. Especially a middle-aged woman insecure in her footing. There was only one way to go forward and that was to tell him the truth and pray he wouldn't deny her once again.
"I felt you tense up? Why have you turned from me? What's the matter? The children have to know about us anyway. The are grown-up Tessa. They know what it is like to be in love. Both of them have experienced it now. They will accept us. I'm sure of it. Turn around and talk to me. What has upset you."
She turned back around to face him. Amazingly there weren't any tears in her eyes. The new improved Tessa was back. She was a woman grown and had survived life with Thomas Pope. In just a matter of minutes she had regained her sense of self. Her divorce had left her a self-sufficient woman. Her life had been sat upon its proper axis again. The love of her life had been returned to her. If it turned out that his return to her amounted to only a few short hours, she would have to find a way to live with that. She held out her hand and Jimmy took it. His eyes were filled with concern.
"Come with me Jimmy and sit down at the table. You were correct. There are issues we must discuss and they must be discussed before we can move forward. If we move forward at all."
"What are you talking about Tessa, if we move forward? We are definitely moving forward. We love each other. We both have said so."
"Yes, we both have said so. And I do love you with all of my heart but I have kept a secret from you. I pray that the love we have for one another is strong enough to stand up to such a secret."
They sat down at the table opposite of the other. They still held hands. Tessa turned his hand over and brought it to her lips. She looked up into his eyes. She could see the worry there. She could also see the love he had for her. A woman can tell when he is loved. She would tell the tale, the truth that she had kept to herself for a quarter of a century. The daughter that she had birthed, that she had nurtured at her breast, and loved so fiercely all these years; her precious Olivia was his!