Against a movie studio background, Kenma Saotome emerges, carrying with him a folding chair which he sets out and takes a seat in.
"Time to check out the review for last chapter..." he says, pulling out a piece of paper which he unfolds. "Nothing new from AsheTDust yet, but we'll keep an eye out. In the meantime, we got one from awsomerebel55! So, I don't consider that a loss."
Kenma reads the review:
"Well, the worst master of all time has arrived at last. (Worst is right!) One thing is certain, our favorite brothers will have to pull out every trick to get rid of this lech."
He folds the paper back up and tucks it in his back pocket. "You're not just whistlin' dixie there, awsomerebel55. Happosai's harder to squash than a cockroach, and at least a dozen times uglier. But, I have some positive news: due to the fact that Happosai is among one of the series's most despised characters, an effort shall be made so as to not include or shoehorn him into plots so frequently. The little lingerie-stealing spooge goblin doesn't need any more free publicity."
Kenma cracks his neck, then his knuckles. "In the meantime, this episode is full of zany shenanigans and cookie-related mishaps. The two co-writers have been itching to do this one for quite some time, as well as a few others. Hope you like it!"
Another message pops into his pocket, and he pulls it out and reads it.
"And at the time this is being written, a very happy birthday to the lady who voiced Ranko in Japan: Megumi Hayashibara!" he declares, before his face droops. "...and happy birthday to Genma's Japanese voice actor, Kenichi Ogata. Rackin'-frackin' panda..."
Suddenly, his phone buzzes and he checks a text. "Now if you'll excuse me, Nabiki just got done watching The Road to El Dorado, and she's gonna dress up like Chel!" Kenma says, before he registers what he just said and his eyes widen. "AW-AW-AWOOOOOO~!" he howls like a Tex Avery-style wolf, stomping his left foot in joy.
He quickly darts away, leaving behind a hastily-written sticky note:
Some episodes from later will include fan-made commentaries that feature the casts who worked on the episodes in-universe.
These versions of the cast members are fictionalized versions of the real people they share names with, and any resemblance to the real ones is strictly coincidental, okay?
Hope you enjoy!
Episode 17:
"How the Cookie Crumbles"
or
"Tough Cookies!"
Featuring the voices of:
Rob Paulsen as Ranma/Pam Segall as Ranko
Jess Harnell as Kenma
Grey DeLisle as Akane
Quinton Flynn as Akimitsu
Terri Hawkes as Kodachi
Andrew Lawrence as Hiroshi
Joey Lawrence as Daisuke
Francesca Smith as Ryunosuke
Will Ryan as Junichi
Kerrigan Mahan as Tatewaki Kuno
John Stocker as Gosunkugi
Melissa Fahn as Kasumi
Terry MacGovern as Jinn
Cristina Vee as Nabiki
Dave Mallow as Soun
Bob Papenbrook as Genma
ADDITIONAL VOICES:
Vanessa Marshall
Lara Jill Miller
Robert Axelrod
and Janyse Jaud as Ms. Emerson and Ms. Rebecca
[Amidst a bunch of springs, Ranma does a martial-arts stance.]
Meet my brother, Ranma Saotome: supposed heir to the Anything-Goes School of Martial Arts.
[Immediately, Panda-Genma springs over and grabs him.]
RANMA: HEY, LEMME GO!
[At the Tendo Dojo, Akane lets out a kiai and chops some cinderblocks in half.]
And this is Akane, of the Tendo Dojo.
[Suddenly, Akane is picked up and hustled out the door by Soun, followed by Kasumi and Nabiki.]
These two have been engaged to marry, because our fathers decided it (no doubt being drunk as hell while doing so).
[Soun puts Akane down, and Genma sets Ranma down right in front of her. The unhappy couple crosses their arms and turns away from each other.]
RANMA: I didn't ask for this, so don't decide for me!
AKANE: It's MY life!
As for the cause of my poor brother's suffering...well, at least chief among the causes...
[Suddenly, a wave of water pours onto Ranma's head, soaking him through to his underwear...and turning him into a HER. She angrily rounds on Genma, who's clutching a freshly-emptied pail.]
RANKO: WHAT'DJADOTHATFOR?! [She opens her shirt, revealing two huge knockers.]
Y'see, when Ranma gets splashed with cold water...HE becomes a SHE. And that's just the tip of the iceberg!
[Everyone else reacts in their own exasperated manner; cut to the logo.]
"Ranma 1/2: The Life & Times of Kenma Saotome —
Anything Goes for These Two Bros!"
~Ran-maaaaa!~
This little opening featured the voices of:
SARAH STRANGE
VENUS TERZO
MYRIAM SIROIS
...and
DAVID KAYE as
Kenma's Narrator Voice!
It was a bright, sunny afternoon at the St. Bacchus School for Girls, and at the time, most of the student body were currently participating in Home Economics. Of course, it wasn't exactly a blast.
"Geez, an all-girls school is the pits," groused one student as she pulled a tray of freshly-made cookies from a nearby oven. "We make all these cookies...and there's not a boy within 5 miles to impress with them!"
"Exactly! What's even the point?" asked another student.
"This is still a classroom, girls," the teacher, Ms. Emerson, reprimanded them. "So let's act like it and ease up on the gossiping, please."
"Oh, Ms. Emerson~" called out a familiar high-pitched voice, getting Ms. Emerson's attention. As she turned around, the girl who spoke removed her hairnet, revealing her long black tresses, bound in a ponytail. That's right, it was Kodachi Kuno, now with a MUCH reduced rose petal budget [to save money, the staff has had her use dandelions, but like those puffball dandelions you blow the seeds off of].
Ms. Emerson rolled her eyes in minor annoyance. "...yes, Miss Kuno?" she asked. "Is something wrong?"
"I've suddenly remembered a previous engagement," explained Kodachi as she took a nearby rose from a flowerpot, frantically painted its petals black, and clasped it by the stem between her lips. She then took her apron and tossed it aside, before twirling her ribbon in the air, whipping about dandelion seeds wildly. "...so I'll be leaving today's class a little early! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO~!" she crowed before she leapt out the window and took to the rooftops, bounding away like a demented jackrabbit.
Ms. Emerson sniffed lightly, blowing away some of the dandelion seeds before she took out her clipboard. "Kodachi Kuno: leaving early...again..." she murmured as she scribbled it down. "Honestly...if her family weren't so loaded, that girl would still be in freshman year..."
Some of the girls blinked before brushing the dandelion seeds off.
"It's kind of like being lightly poked by a pinky finger..."
"Whereas when she used rose petals, it was like two pinky fingers right in your eyes..."
Title card!
How The Cookie Crumbles!
Meanwhile, over at Furinkan High, their Home Ec class was wrapping up for the day.
"OK, girls; that's it for today's class," said Ms. Rebecca. "You're dismissed!"
As the door slid open, some of the female students headed out into the hallway, among them being Akane and Ryunosuke. As was to be expected, the boys soon came about, having picked up the scent of freshly-baked confectioneries.
"Awesome, they got cookies!" exclaimed Hiroshi. "Very tender, indeed!"
"How's about we taste-test 'em?" asked Daisuke. "I've got what many would call a cultured palate!"
"Hey, keep your tongues in your mouths, eh?" retorted Ryunosuke. "I put a lotta work into these babies!" This'll show Dad he's wrong for sure...nothing more girly than baking cookies, hahaha~!
At the end of the hall, there stood Tatewaki Kuno, wearing a bib and clutching a fork & knife. "It is said that true happiness for a woman is found solely in cooking for her beloved," he waxed poetic, before skittering up to Akane. "Akane Tendo...I shall be the man to make you happy!" he declared.
Akane blinked a few times. "...is saying 'may I have a cookie' too difficult for you?" she asked.
Then...
THWAM!
Ranma came crashing down, foot-first, atop Kuno's head. "I wouldn't do that if I were you, Kuno," he stated rather matter-of-factly. "Seein' as Akane's cookin' has killed better men. If the taste only makes you faint, then you'll be awfully lucky."
Akane's eyes twitched before she picked up a nearby mounted fire extinguisher and slammed it on Ranma's head, knocking him to the ground.
"Thanks ever so much for your opinion, Ranma..." she fumed, before she thrust the packet of her cookies forward. "...but save it for AFTER you've tried some!"
"Are you sure?" asked Kenma, poking his head up from behind his brother's shoulder. "Maybe he's giving them pre-emptively because he knows he won't live to see the afterward!"
Ranma plucked one from the package, and stared at it, as though he were expecting it to come to life and tear the flesh from his face.
"Aren't they cute?" Akane inquired. "They're animal cookies!"
Ranma was absolutely befuddled, to say the least. "...these are animals...?" he asked. "What's this...an octopus?"
"Bonehead, it's a penguin!"
Ranma put it back and picked up another. "A hermit crab?"
"It's a lion!"
Then another. "It's a water flea!"
"A rabbit!"
And another. "Loch Ness Monster!"
"A swan!"
"A Super Sentai!"
"A raccoon!"
"A salamander?"
"Alligator!"
"I know, a platypus!"
"A KOALAAAAAAAAA!" Akane screeched at the top of her lungs. "Knock off the Rorschach test and eat one, OR ELSE I'M GONNA GET MAD!"
"...get mad?" Kenma observed. "You mean you haven't already?"
Aki made his way over. "Y'know, Akane, I wouldn't mind giving them a shot..." he began. But as he reached to take the cookies out of Ranma's hand, a familiar ribbon lashed out like a frog tongue and grabbed the bag away!
It was, of course, Kodachi who had snagged the bag. "Yoink, as you commonfolk are so fond of saying!" she declared.
"Oh, no, not you again!" groused Akane.
"Who's that?" inquired Aki.
"Kodachi, the Black Rose," stated Akane, before she noticed that Kodachi was minus a certain flower. "...although I don't think 'The Black Dandelion' has the same ring to it."
"Don't blame me, blame the wretched producers for slashing my rose budget in half!" Kodachi fumed, before returning to the situation at hand. "Fear not, my darlings, for your lips shall NOT be touched by those horrible excuses for confections!"
"Hmm..." Kuno observed. "...so it's my twisted sister."
Aki glanced at him in disbelief, before glancing back at Kodachi, and then back at Kuno.
Kenma nodded. "Yehp. I had a similar reaction when I found out, too." he replied.
"I've come to deliver a present for my darlings, Ranma and Kenma," Kodachi smirked as she pulled out her own package of cookies and tossed it into Ranma's hands. As the package was unwrapped, both boys noticed that Kodachi's cookies looked almost downright professional. "Baked with my love in Home Economics, only a few minutes ago~!"
Ranma reached in and picked one out. "Hey, it's a pentagram!" he observed.
"'Tis a starfish, darling." Kodachi corrected him.
"Hey! I want my cookies back!" Akane demanded.
"Yeah, give her the cookies back!" chimed in Aki.
"Oh...these ratty things?" inquired Kodachi as she glanced at the package she had previously pilfered. "I never would've guessed they were actually cookies..."
And she leapt out the window, falling to the ground and landing on her feet. "These abominations of baking shall NEVER touch my darlings' lips!" she declared as she ran off.
"HEY! THAT'S NOT FAIR!" Akane yelled out the window. Then, she rounded on Ranma. "WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST EAT THEM WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE?! IF YOU ATE THEM WHEN I TOLD YOU TO—"
"Hey, don't look at me!" Ranma protested. "I was lookin' out for my health!"
"How can you even say that when I worked so hard to make them taste good?!" Akane wailed.
Kenma gave a disbelieving look to the dark-blue-haired girl. "Is that so?" he asked. "Well, did you even try them before forcing them on us?"
Feeling a hand on his shoulder, he turned and saw it belonged to Aki. "No sense getting into a donnybrook over it," he insisted. "Let's just get the cookies back...besides, I wanna try them."
"Really?" asked Kenma. "Are you sure?"
Aki nodded firmly.
And so that's how Aki and the Saotome Brothers ended up outside, scanning the surrounding area until they spotted Kodachi, retreating on foot through the woods.
"Looks like she's trottin' through the woods with a package of treats," noted Aki as he put on his hockey mask. "Then I guess that makes us the big bad wolves."
"Then let's go huffin' and puffin'," Kenma replied as they headed off into the woods after Kodachi.
The girl in question was tromping through the woods, when she overheard Ranma. "KODACHI!" he yelled. Turning around, she was pleasantly surprised to see that Ranma and Kenma were both in pursuit...as was a third person.
"Oh, Ranma-darling, Kenma-dearest, I just knew you would come for me!" Kodachi swooned.
"WHO I COME FOR IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" Kenma shouted.
"Hand over the cookies!" Aki called out, as he swiped at Kodachi, who yanked the package away like a carrot on a string.
"Now, now, mysterious suitor~" cooed Kodachi playfully. "Don't tease me like that!"
"Who's teasing?!" Aki remarked, before he felt something hard landing on his head. It was that annoying old goblin, Happosai, and he was making a break for it while carrying a bindle full of stolen female undergarments, as usual.
"Heads up!" he crowed as he darted off...while being pursued by a crowd of angry girls, all of whom carried either brooms, rakes, hockey sticks, or baseball bats in hand, screaming threats and death curses at the perverted old creep.
Hearing the oncoming stampede, Aki quickly tucked and rolled to the side, avoiding getting trampled by the pissed-off girls. Ranma, alas, didn't get the chance, and was trampled by the lot of them as they continued their pursuit of Happosai.
"I always knew I was irresistable! The ladies can't stay away from me!" laughed the old lech as he bounced away. "Let's play again tomorrow~!"
As Kenma pulled Ranma up, Aki was about to follow suit when he suddenly felt Kodachi's arms around his upper waist. "Ut!" he exclaimed, seconds before a camera shutter went off.
"So bold, mysterious stranger~!" Kodachi purred. "Make me...your own~"
Beneath his mask, Aki was sweating bullets; it took all of his willpower to keep from shrieking in terror at being so close in proximity to Kodachi...so he quickly skittered backwards.
"RAN-MAAA!" called Akane in the distance.
"I saw him go this way!" exclaimed Hiroshi, as Kodachi fluffed her hair and got to her feet.
"We shall continue our little rendezvous another time, my darling," she said with a wink. "Adieu, until then~!"
And off she went, leaving the cookies behind.
Aki shuddered, feeling disgusted with himself. The second-worst part of the whole experience, in his opinion, was that he had to admit Kodachi had a rockin' ass. The possibility that he might be attracted to Kodachi Kuno, even by a little bit, scared him immensely.
"See? I toldja they'd be here!" Hiroshi pointed out as he and the others arrived.
Akane's eyes lit up as she went and picked up the discarded package. "My cookies!" she beamed happily.
The others, meanwhile, had tucked into Kodachi's cookies. "Hey Ranma, Kenma, if you're not gonna eat these, is it cool if we have them?" asked Hiroshi with a few already in his mouth.
"Man, these are good!" Daisuke chimed in.
"Er, fellas?" asked Kenma. "I would be a bit more cautious about eating those if I were you..."
"Look! Now you can try one for yourself!" Akane beamed as she held out the napkin to Ranma, who looked like he'd just finished vomiting while running a marathon.
"N-no thanks..." Ranma wheezed.
"Now what's wrong?" asked Akane.
"I just don't got the stomach for it," replied Ranma.
Aki made his way over. "Y'know, Akane, I wouldn't mind giving these a try," he spoke up as he reached for a cookie. But before he could even take one, Happosai jumped up and snatched the whole thing.
"Allow me!" he exclaimed as he turned the package towards his mouth and gobbled down the rest of the cookies, much to Akane's shock. Of course, mere seconds after he polished them off, Happosai's face turned purple with shock and he clutched his stomach in pain.
"BLAUGH! Those were horrible!" wailed the old geezer as he cried. "Why didn'cha TELL me they weren't fit for human consumption?!"
"Hey! What'd you say?!" Akane shouted.
Nearby, Kenma was shaking his head in dismay as he stood over the sleeping bodies of the students who'd eaten Kodachi's cookies.
"Rule Number 9, never eat ANYTHING that Kodachi made herself..." he tsk-tsked. "Because chances are, it's loaded with SOME sort of powder."
Kuno nodded in agreement. "I would expect nothing less from that twisted sister of mine," he stated.
Aki sighed in relief, wiping his head off. Cripes, that was a close shave, he thought to himself. I'm just lucky that nobody saw what happened...
Alas, he was unfortunately mistaken. In a nearby bush, there sat the emaciated-looking, baggy-eyed figure of Hikaru "Voodoo Spike" Gosunkugi, and he was clutching a camera in his hands.
I don't know who you are, but I've captured your infidelity on film! he thought in his wheezing, weaselly voice. Now...how the hell do I make this thing print the picture?
"Well, now isn't this interesting?" crowed Kodachi as she emerged from the bush right behind Gosunkugi's bush. "Perhaps you'd care to make me some...duplicates~?"
Gosunkugi swallowed heavily. "W-well...I mean...I-I'll see what I can do..." he managed to reply.
"You do that," Kodachi smirked, as the gears in her head were already turning.
A LITTLE WHILE AFTER THAT...
"You want me to teach you how to bake?" asked Kasumi later that day.
Akane nodded in response. "You'd probably rather not, but...would you mind?" she asked.
Kasumi clapped her hands together. "You mean you're ready for bridal training?" she exclaimed, absolutely ecstatic. "Of course I'll teach you!"
Akane coughed awkwardly, seeing that her eldest sister had reached her own conclusion. "...it's not like that..." she tried to reply.
But Kasumi was already opening the fridge and getting out the ingredients. "It's nothing to be embarrassed about, Akane; if you want to impress Akimitsu with your cooking, then I'd be glad to help," she replied. "Plus, this way, when you make him food one day, there'll be less chance of him getting sick because of something you added that wasn't supposed to be in the mix!"
"I swear, this isn't about bridal—" Akane started, before she did a mental backspace. "...wait, how do you know about Aki?" she inquired.
Kasumi smiled. "The walls of your bedroom aren't exactly sound-proof, Akane," she replied with a wink. "You don't think I can't hear you in there?"
Now Akane's face was redder than ketchup. She'd known Aki for at least a month and a half by now...and she did find him really cute, plus he was friendly, helpful, strong, not a jerk or a blustering pervert...
Let's just say Akane wasn't in a sleeping mood one night...and Kasumi could hear every sound that came forth as a result.
"Personally, I'm glad you met someone," continued Kasumi. "I mean, Nabiki and I both knew you and Ranma weren't meant to be, even if Father is delusional enough to think otherwise. Nabiki bet that by the end of the week, you'd have scared him off or filed him under the seemingly endless list of boys you consider 'perverts'. Guess I won this time!"
"Wait, what?" Akane asked as Kasumi got out the sugar and vanilla extract from the cupboards and put them next to the carton of eggs she'd pulled out.
"Never mind that," Kasumi stated as she brushed off her sister's shock. "Let's begin, shall we?"
The memory of Ranma turning down her cookies still fresh in her mind, Akane was filled with furious determination.
I'm gonna make you sorry you EVER doubted me, Ranma...VERY sorry!
Nearby, in the living room, Ranma and Kenma were reading, when they overheard Akane's screaming from the kitchen, as well as a loud CRASH!
"200 GRAMS OF SUGAR, RIGHT?!"
"...Akane, that's salt..."
"VANILLA EXTRACT!"
"...and now, you just put in sesame oil."
"The heck is she doin', making potstickers?" asked Ranma.
"I don't know," replied Kenma. "But whatever it is, she's cooking up trouble."
THREE HOURS LATER...
"What's this?" asked Soun. "Akane's finally in bridal training? So where is she now?"
"Still in the kitchen, working on her cookie recipe," Kasumi replied as she sat down. "She says she has to get it just right for Akimitsu."
Soun waved that last part off. "That's my girl," he laughed. "Ranma's got to be especially fortunate to have someone so dedicated to becoming a good bride for him!"
Inwardly, Kasumi sighed. Her father was still clinging to this idiotic dream of his. "Father, I told you, Akane met someone else."
"That someone doesn't matter, because I don't approve," Soun replied as he turned a page in his newspaper. "I'm only approving of Ranma marrying Akane, and that's that."
After the timer rang, Akane opened the oven, pulled her baking tray out with tongs, and took one of the cookies off the sheet of tinfoil. She took a bite...and immediately gagged in disgust.
"BLEAUGH! THEY'RE NO GOOD, EITHER!" Akane shrieked. "The smell of the cinnamon and nutmeg overpowers everything...the vanilla extract and garlic I chopped and mixed into the dough completely ruin the hidden notes of cherry and watermelon...and for some MYSTERIOUS reason, the corn starch I dissolved in hot water and blended in with the flour turned the cookies into concrete!"
She sighed. "No way Ranma will agree to eat them..." she groaned. "...so what are the odds that Aki would, either?"
Lifting a hand, Akane slapped herself and shook her head. "GET A GRIP, GIRL! WE CANNOT GIVE UP!" she declared.
And so this was followed by even more crashing and screaming sounds from the kitchen, while everyone else tucked into the dinner Kasumi had made earlier.
"DAMN IT, THESE STILL TASTE HORRIBLE!" Akane shrieked 12 minutes later. "I'll start over...and THIS time, I'll try it WITHOUT the jalapeños!"
And so, as a result of Akane staying up ALL NIGHT to refine her cookie recipe, she ended up falling asleep in class the next day.
"So, you stayed up all night baking, and he STILL wouldn't try one?" asked Yuka, during lunch period.
"I can't believe how thoughtless Ranma is, Akane," replied Sayuri. "How do you put up with him?"
Suddenly, Akane sprang up from her spot between her gal-pals. "OKAY, THAT IS IT!" she bellowed. "I'M NOT GONNA QUIT UNTIL HE ADMITS HOW GOOD MY COOKIES ARE! HE'S GONNA EAT IT AND LIKE IT, EVEN IF IT KILLS HIM!"
"Attagirl!"
"That's the spirit!"
And so, once she got home from school [plus making a stop at the bookstore to buy some cookbooks], Akane immediately started in on baking another batch of cookies.
"...and, DONE!" she declared as she placed them before Ranma. "The moment of truth, Ranma! Feed or flee!"
Ranma covered his mouth, and his face turned green for a few seconds. If I eat any more cookies, I'm gonna toss mine...
"Akane baked her heart out for these cookies, son," said Soun. "I know you won't disappoint me; by all means, help yourself."
"She really worked hard on this batch, Ranma," smiled Kasumi. "And she did make them for you!"
Well, actually Ranma was only testing them. The cookies were made for Aki, but she wasn't going to say anything about that.
"Show some gratitude, boy," finished Genma. "And tuck into those cookies."
Swallowing his pride, Ranma was about to reach for a cookie when an envelope came flying in through the sliding door, landing on the table. Picking it up, Ranma noticed that on the back of the envelope was a black rose emblem.
No points for guessing what that emblem means...it's from Kodachi, he thought as he held it away from his face. As he opened it, luckily, no powder or gases came out, simply a letter.
To my dearest, darling, most adorable Ranma...
Ranma stopped reading the letter for a couple of minutes and turned his head to the side so he could gag in disgust, while his face turned green.
I've personally prepared a meal for you with my own two hands on this very day.
Come quickly, my love, lest it grow cold.
"What, first cookies, and now a whole dinner?!" Akane fumed. "Doesn't she know when to quit?!"
"Look who's talkin'," remarked Ranma before he turned back to the letter.
P.S. Remember our commemorative photo? I've included a copy to remind you of our most recent rendezvous!
Such joy, such rapture...I shall scatter the photos like petals in order to share this joy with the entire town! Photo by photo by GLORIOUS photo~!
As Ranma looked down, he found two photos taped to the bottom of the letter. One of himself on top of Kodachi...and another of Aki, in his hockey mask in the same position.
Rage in his soul, Ranma grimly clenched the paper in his fist. I gotta stop her before it's too late!
Kenma nodded. Plus, if that other photo gets out, Soun and Genma will consider it proof that Aki's not worthy, and then they'll be TWICE AS RELENTLESS in trying to get her and Ranma together.
Both boys got to their feet. "LET'S GO!" they exclaimed, and ran out the door.
So Ranma and Kenma headed out to the Kuno Estate, but with Akane hot on their tails.
"COME BACK AND EAT YOUR COOKIES LIKE A MAN, YOU COWARDS!" she screamed.
"Y'know, I think we'll take a rain check!" Kenma responded.
Out in the middle of town, Kodachi stood atop a building, clutching a basket full of photographs as she gazed up into the sky.
"Oh, please do hurry, dearest Ranma~" she crowed. "Each sweetly-agonizing second of anticipation brings me back to the memory of that magical moment we shared~!"
Kodachi picked the basket up, and reached in, plucking out a fistful of photographs. "I can hide my delight no longer...I must share it with the whole town!" she exclaimed, tossing the photos into the air like confetti.
As quickly as she threw them out, Ranma, Kenma, and Aki each snapped them out of the air.
"Ranma-darling! Dearest Kenma! And mysterious stranger!" Kodachi gushed.
"I'm puttin' an end to this, once-and-fer-all!" Ranma growled as he wadded the photos into a compressed paper ball and gulped it down. "Can't show the proof if it's all gone!"
"Who knew you were so fond of photos?~" Kodachi inquired. "In that case..." she reached over, and pulled out an entire pile of MORE photocopies. "...eat to your heart's content!"
Ranma's eyes nearly bugged out of his head at the size of the pile. This could go on FOREVER! he thought, irritated. I hafta cut it off at the source!
"I'd rather eat...the negative!" he spoke up.
"Very well, then! The negative you shall have~!" Kodachi beamed.
Aki nodded in silent respect. Good thinking, Ranma...this way you don't have to eat more Polaroids.
"They're located in the collar of my dearest pet, Mr. Green Turtle, who lives in yonder pond~" Kodachi explained.
"Some kinda turtle, huh?" Ranma asked. "Alright then!"
A FEW MINUTES LATER...
"Just what are you doing in my home, Ranma Saotome?!" Kuno demanded to know, jutting his wooden sword right in Ranma's face.
"Kuno, get your sword outta my face, eh?" asked Ranma. "I mean, at least take me to dinner first!"
"'Twas I who invited him, brother dear," explained Kodachi.
"Oh?" asked Kuno. "Then this would mean...thou hast forfeited our rivalry for Akane Tendo's love!"
"To call it a rivalry would imply that you even had a chance," said Aki in a gruff tone, once again wearing his hockey mask. "Let's just say the baton's been passed."
Kuno raised an eyebrow. "...and you are?"
Rolling his eyes, Aki raised his hockey mask, revealing his face to Kuno...and then Kuno recognized him.
"You're that boy!" he exclaimed. "The one varlet besides Ranma Saotome who DARES to compete against me for the heart of Akane Tendo!"
"I have no idea what a 'varlet' is, but yeah," replied Aki. "And unlike you, I don't come bugging her at any given moment."
"You shall not stand in my way!" Kuno declared. "Akane Tendo SHALL be my beloved!"
"You keep telling yourself that, buddy," Aki shrugged.
"Hey, hey, knock it off," stated Ranma. "I'm just here so Kodachi can feed me something, that's it."
"So she can...feed you something?" asked Akane, who was suddenly there for some reason. "Ranma...does Kodachi have some dirt on you?"
Aki did a double-take in shock. "...when did you get here?"
"Kasumi drove me," responded Akane.
"Ah! The fair Akane Tendo!" beamed Kuno as he quickly approached her. "Instinctively, you have come to me, knowing that you are mine!"
Akane gave him a flat glance. "...what are you talking about?" she retorted.
"Ohohohohoho~! You are too late, foolish girl!" Kodachi chortled in that 'classy noblewoman' style. "My dearests are now but slaves to my cooking~!"
"Like I said, I'm just here for the negative!" Ranma insisted. "And you said it was in your pool, right?"
"Indeed I did!" Kodachi nodded. "Inside the collar of my dear pet, Mr. Green Turtle!"
"Green Turtle, got it!" Ranma said, and in a cloud of dust, he was gone in a hurry.
Kuno got to his feet and brushed himself off. "...you DID inform him that Mr. Green Turtle is a giant alligator, did you not?" he inquired.
His twisted sister just laughed it off. "Certainly, it's nothing Ranma-darling can't handle," she responded.
Outside, there was a splash, followed by a loud scream of terror. Kenma and Aki looked at one another and headed outside to lend Ranma a few extra hands.
A HALF HOUR LATER...
It had taken some time, but with some extra help and some insulated gloves, Ranma, Aki, and Kenma had reclaimed the negatives from inside the collar, as well as having avoided getting electrocuted.
"Now to destroy this thing once and for all!" Ranma declared as he reclaimed the negative and swallowed it whole. "Ah...tastes like victory!"
Kenma nodded. "At least there's THAT problem licked!" he remarked. "Now we just have the problem of Akane's cookies."
"I'll try them," said Aki. "One good thing about growing up on the streets is, you learn how not to be a picky eater."
And so the three boys came back out to Kasumi's minivan, piling inside with Akane, who was holding a plate of her cookies from earlier.
"So...you mind if I give them a try?" asked Aki.
Akane blushed sheepishly. "What, these? I was expecting Ranma to taste test them...so that way I could perfect them for you..." she began, but Aki stopped her.
"Akane?" he told her, gazing into her eyes. "Let's just give them a try and see what happens, okay?"
Akane's hands wavered, but then she held the plate out as Aki plucked some cookies up and put them in his mouth. Chewing, chewing, chewing...and then swallowing.
"Well?" Akane asked. "...how are they?"
"Pretty good," Aki replied. "But might I suggest using chocolate instead of watermelon and cherries? Might make for a smoother taste experience."
Akane blinked, but she smiled and started taking notes. "Well...okay," she replied.
"So, Aki, where exactly do you live?" Kasumi inquired.
"I...don't really have a house," Aki explained. "I've been kinda living on the streets since my dad died."
All at once, the car came screeching to a halt.
"...what?!" exclaimed Kasumi, her maternal instincts kicking into overdrive. "That will NOT do, young man! You're going to be staying with us, and that's final!"
"Really, Miss Kasumi, I don't wanna impose on you, and I'm not sure if your dad would—" started Akimitsu.
But Kasumi would have none of it. "This is NOT up for debate, Akimitsu!" she retorted firmly. "You'll be staying with us, and that's final! I'll set up some cots in the attic and move some things around."
"Aki's right; what about Dad?" asked Akane. "I don't think he'll appreciate having another mouth to feed."
"If Father has any reservations about these arrangements, he can take it up with me." Kasumi stated as she began driving again. "Besides, I'm the one who does the feeding, anyway."
The ride home was relatively silent after that, apart from Aki and Akane. Personally, Kasumi was just happy that Akane might avoid further culinary disasters in the future.
"Well...I guess we're gonna be housemates," commented Akimitsu, rubbing his arm lightly.
Akane's face was now redder than a ripe tomato. "Sure looks that way..." she replied. "At least you've got a place to hang your mask."
On the inside, she was absolutely freaking out with pure excitement. OH MY GOD, THE BOY I LIKE IS GONNA BE STAYING AT MY HOUSE! I just hope Wilbur doesn't get too jealous...
... ... ...
At the Tendo Dojo, curled up in a corner of Akane's bedroom, a certain little black piglet suddenly sneezed, the force of it knocking him against the wall with a KLANG!
He stumbled to his trotters, as tiny multicolored stars orbited his head.
Was someone just talking about me? he thought. ...don't be daft, Ryoga, that's just superstitious bunk! Face it, you've got a prime opportunity to be with Akane, and nothing is going to get in the way of that!
Alas, as usual, Ryoga couldn't have been more wrong.
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
For the next chapter, I've decided that we'll finish up "Big Trouble in Nekonlon, China" before we continue posting regular episodes. We've been putting that off for long enough, and it's high time we brought that film to a conclusion. Afterwards, we'll probably post the film as a separate fic, and then go back to doing normal episodes.
The reason this escapade is shorter than usual is because I felt it was best to cut out some of the zany BS shenanigans, and I really wanted to get down to the nitty-gritty.
So yeah, Aki is gonna be living with the Tendos and Saotomes for the rest of the series [but he won't be their only new resident, trust me], and he'll actually help Akane: not just in cooking, but in learning to loosen up.
But in the meantime...here's our NEXT EPISODE PREVIEW!
ON the next "RANMA"!
... ... ...
The Neighborhood Watch Committee informs Soun that there's an underwear thief on the loose—and a downright shameless one, too! But since Soun and Genma have the combined backbone of a jellyfish, they dump the duty in the hands of Ranma and Kenma. And when the boys bring the rain on the old geezer's parade...it leaves him boiling mad!
HAPPOSAI: Boys! You...have aroused my anger!
KENMA: ...so how do we make it flaccid?
So the nasty little creep starts causing trouble for the entire household, making prank calls to local businesses and writing false notes! Will a bit of Amazonian trickery be what's needed to put Happosai in his place? Will Happosai have to take up life as a hermit living in the mountains? And why am I asking YOU all these dopey questions?
Besides, you know as well as I do there's only ONE way to find out! Tune in for "The Happo-Temper-Tantrum"
—the next gut-bustingly funny episode of Ranma 1/2: The Life & Times of Kenma Saotome!
AUTHOR'S NOTE #2:
And yes, the production team HAS replaced Kodachi's black roses with dandelions. They're less expensive, and besides, using all those roses was seriously cutting into the budget. Do you know how HARD it is to clean up all those damn rose petals after she scatters them about?!