Episode 18:
"S.O.S.! The Wrath of Happosai"
VOICE TALENTS:
Charlie Adler as Ranma Saotome/Pat Musick as Ranko Saotome
Barry Gordon as Kenma Saotome
Lacey Chabert as Kasumi
Terry MacGovern as Djinn/"Jinn"
Liliana Mumy as Lum Invader
Robert Axelrod as Happosai
Grey DeLisle as Akane
Quinton Flynn as Akimitsu
Cristina Vee as Nabiki
Dave Mallow as Soun
Bob Papenbrook as Genma
ADDITIONAL VOICES:
Tony Oliver
Cheryl Chase
Janyse Jaud
Before we begin, I just wanna let you guys know this episode gets kinda heavy in the middle. We delve into Ranma's thoughts a little, but you gotta read up to there to get the full context.
Also, additional dialogue is supplied courtesy of fellow fanfiction writer, skinnydude911, sometimes known as Ryuma217 on Discord. Big thanks to him!
REVIEW RESPONSE:
AsheTDust: It's mostly gonna be Kenma going the DBZ route; Ranma will be going a different way. Maybe he'll tie in a bit more with the Lum mythos—we'll try to at least integrate more Urusei Yatsura shenanigans into the Kenma series. But personally, I'm pretty proud of this chapter; it's got a speech written that I have been workshopping for a LONG time, even before we started this chapter.
Hell, maybe we'll bring in Ten if we can't think of anything. But I'm not quite sure. Urusei Yatsura is mostly "random bullshit happening each week", and trying to work out ways to integrate that into a more streamlined series with arcs really strains the ol' brain.
It was another quiet morning in Nerima; Soun was reading his paper, while Genma was clipping his toenails.
Suddenly, the side door opened, and in came Kasumi & Jinn, acccompanied by a gray-haired balding man.
"Father!" said Kasumi. "The man from the Volunteer Neighborhood Watch is here!"
...
"A prowler, you say?" asked Soun as he placed down his cup of tea.
"That's right," nodded the man from the neighborhood watch. "First report started coming in about a month ago. Ever since then, we've been piled under with cases. Not to mention, the police have no idea where to turn."
"How dreadful," Kasumi shuddered as he clutched Jinn's hand. "Is nowhere safe anymore?"
"Such a ruffian," Soun shook his head. "And to think, this town used to be such a nice place to live."
Genma nodded in agreement. "We cannot allow this perversity to continue unimpeded," he chimed in.
The neighborhood watch man took a sip of tea before continuing. "Exactly; which is why we came seeking help from you martial arts masters, since we were hoping there was something you could do about this," he explained.
"You just leave it to us," Soun declared. "We'll bring the culprit to justice; right, Saotome?"
"Righty-o," Genma added with a chortle. "Justice will prevail!"
"Oh, good; that fills me with real hope that this will be resolved," the neighborhood watch man smiled. "Ever since this panty thief started sneaking about, the missus hasn't slept too well, but now we can rest with ease!"
Soun and Genma's eyes went wide, and they glanced at each other.
"'Panty thief'?" whispered Genma. "You don't suppose—"
"Saotome…" muttered Soun.
The neighborhood watch man leaned over. "Think you might have any clues to who the culprit is?" he asked.
Immediately Soun and Genma started acting nonchalant.
"Who, us?"
"Nope, not even a hint!"
"Nothing at all, no-siree!"
As they proceeded to deny any knowledge they might've had, a certain diminutive old geezer bounced through the adjoining hallway, clad in a hokkamuri [basically the Japanese equivalent of a bandit's mask] and carrying a very full furoshiki crammed to the gills with stolen lingerie. In fact, he was brazen enough to flash a V sign before he zipped away.
The neighborhood watch man did a double-take, and then turned back to Soun and Genma. "...is it just me, or did something pass by?" he asked.
"Oh, probably just the wind." Soun said, desperately trying to hide the gremlin's presence out of some twisted form of loyalty.
"I could've sworn that I—ah, forget it," the man said as he reached into his wallet and took out a few Polaroid snapshots. "We haven't shown these to the police yet, but I got an eyewitness tip that says this is the guy."
In the first photo, Happosai was plucking a pair of panties off a clothing line like how one would pluck a ripe apple.
[TITLE CARD]
"S.O.S.! The Wrath of Happosai"
In the second photo, he was atop someone's apartment balcony, retrieving another pair of panties.
And in the third one, he wasn't even attempting to hide; the photo was just of the nasty little gremlin, a sack burgeoning with stolen undergarments behind him, and he was giving a V-sign to the camera.
The photos were being looked at by Ranma, Kenma, and Akane, who had returned home from school that afternoon.
"So this is their only lead, huh?" asked Akane.
"More like iron-clad evidence," remarked Ranma.
"He might as well hold up a big sign with red letters that says I DID IT!" Kenma observed. "Cocky old bastard isn't even TRYING to hide! He's flaunting because he's so convinced that nobody's gonna be able to stop him!"
"Which is why I called you here," stated Genma. "We've always known the Master lives in fear of no man, but putting us at risk for his crimes is going too far."
"So in other words, Pop, it was never A problem until it became OUR problem. Am I right?" Ranma said very bluntly, almost as blunt as a sledgehammer
"Y-you can do it, S-saotome…" wheezed Soun as he laid in a sleeping bag on the floor. "I leave it...in your hands…"
"Hey! Now WHO'S the one who made the vow to 'bring the culprit to justice'?" Genma yelled.
Soun shot up in his sleeping bag. "Well, I didn't see YOU protesting any, Mister 'Justice-Will-Prevail'!" he retorted. "So don't go dropping all the blame on ME!"
And then the both of them started bawling their eyes out.
Kenma rolled his eyes. "Well…this is perfidiously pathetic," he remarked.
"Yeah. With all the bickering they're doing, I wonder if we'll EVER get around to catching this crook." Ranma chimed in.
"They're right, you know," stated Akane. "Crying won't help anything."
"Well then, c'mon, Pop!" Ranma smiled. "Let's all three of us go bag a thief!"
At the thought of having to stand up to his chief tormentor, Genma's face turned purple with shock.
A LITTLE WHILE LATER…
"I'm home!" called Nabiki as she came in through the door. "What a long day!"
"I dunno about you, but I'm starving," Akimitsu agreed as he poked out from behind her…only for the both of them to see Genma, once more in panda-form, innocently playing with a ball.
"You know, you tend to pick the most bothersome times to become a panda, Mr. Saotome," Kasumi had to say, while Ranma fumed in irritation over his father's spinelessness.
"So, what'd he do now?" inquired Nabiki.
"Same as usual, he and Mr. Tendo just happened to lose their spines," replied Kenma. "Why else would they both be acting like this?"
"And as per usual, we're just gonna have to take matters into our own hands." Ranma said with a clenched fist.
Kenma nodded in agreement.
Happosai was in his room, ironing his stolen undergarments when he was suddenly interrupted by a sharp kick to the back of the head.
"What was THAT for?! How DARE you!" he shouted as he turned around to see Panda-Genma, with Ranma and Kenma right behind him.
"Well, I don't know what you're so mad at us for," stated Kenma. "I believe Genma wishes to say something to you."
"Izzat so?" asked Happosai. "Well then, let's hear it."
Genma, being the coward that he is, tried to run away before being promptly stopped by a kick to the jaw from Ranma.
"Oh no! You're not gettin' outta this one, old man!" he warned, forcing Genma to turn back around.
Reaching offscreen, he pulled out a sign. Hello, Master!
"Well, get to the point!" Happosai demanded. "I'm a VERY busy man!"
Genma pulled out another sign. I'm so glad to see you looking well!
Happosai rolled his eyes. "For this you interrupt my meditations?" he spat, disinterested.
Suddenly, another sign rose up from behind Genma. You stupid, lecherous old fart!
And then, another sign. I, Genma Saotome, will bring you to your perverted old knees!
Well, Happosai didn't take too kindly to that. "You insolent buffoon! How DARE you speak to your Master in such a manner!" he scowled as he leapt up and bicycle-kicked Genma in the face, then beat him to the floor with his smoking pipe.
Turns out Ranma and Kenma were the ones who made those last two signs.
"Well, what're ya waiting for?" asked Ranma. "C'mon and show the old goat your fists of justice!"
Genma held up another sign. I don't wanna! I don't wanna!
"Ugh! What a pushover!" Kenma groaned, feeling immeasurable disappointment in his father. "You wanna know WHY I've never called you 'Dad' or 'Pop'? This. This is why."
"Well? GO ON ALREADY!" Ranma ordered as he shoved Genma toward the old geezer. This just resulted in the panda getting sent straight through the roof, and flying through the air by Happosai.
"Fool," scoffed the old lech. "He fell for it."
"Yer technique's top-notch, but you've still got a flaw or two," Ranma remarked before Kenma sprayed him with some cold water, changing him into Ranko.
Happosai turned towards the redheaded girl in surprise; Ranko unbuttoned the top of her shirt and flashed him her tits. "Yoo-hoo~" she cooed.
"HOTCHA!" exclaimed Happosai as he bounded towards the prize that was out of his reach. Only two seconds later, the last thing he saw was an incoming blur of black and white.
CRASH!
Then everything went dark.
"Hah! Works every time," Ranko said while the little gremlin was trapped underneath Genma's weight.
"Nice one, Sis!" Kenma said, giving a thumbs-up as blood trickled down from his nostrils.
Kasumi looked at the discarded underwear. "Where do you suppose he got these?" she asked.
"Where else?" responded Akimitsu. "From laundry lines and clothes hangers…maybe even from a few stores."
"Oh my! And he even has one of my garter belts!" Kasumi said in a shock
"Hit the jackpot, didn't you, gramps?" commented Nabiki as she pulled one of her bras from the assortment.
"HEY!" Akane shouted as she pulled out a pair of panties. "I've been LOOKING for these for two whole days!"
"STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT! THOSE ARE MINE!" wailed Happosai as he tried to pull himself free.
"Ah yes. Were they yours before, or after you stole them?" Kasumi asked, wagging her finger.
"YOU GIVE THOSE BACK, OR I'LL—I'LL—I'LL CALL THE POLICE, YOU THIEVES!" Happosai screeched.
"Sure. Go ahead and call them," Kenma remarked smugly. "Call the cops and tell them all about the missing undergarments that YOU stole in the first place."
"Can you imagine that? Officer, there's the no-good thieving crook who took my stolen loot!" Ranko mocked while imitating Happosai's voice.
"So, what do you propose we do, Ranma?" asked Nabiki. "If people were to find out the culprit was none other than Dad's master…"
"Maybe we oughta bag him with the evidence, and dump it all into the drink," responded Ranko. "The old lecher gets to keep his panties forever."
"I like the sound of that," Kenma chuckled.
Genma nodded in agreement, until he started feeling the anger radiating from Happosai's body.
"Gen-maaa…" he scowled angrily; this startled the panda into jumping off of Happosai and frantically dusting him off.
But Happosai wasn't exactly feeling like forgiving. "Too late to be nice now, you ungrateful cretin!" he hissed as he jumped up and kicked Genma aside before running towards the door.
As he reached the doorway, he put a hand out and fumed to himself. "Genma…Ranma…Kenma…" he snarled. "You have AROUSED my anger!"
Ranko looked on in confusion, while Genma looked like his heart was about to burst from his chest.
"...okay, so how do we make it flaccid?" asked Kenma.
But Happosai was already out the door, his eyes teary. "JUST YOU WAIT!" he bellowed. "YOU'LL BE SORRY!"
Ranko just stuck her tongue out and tugged the sides of her mouth with her fingers. "Nyah-nyah! Oooh, I'm so-o-o scared!" she mocked.
"THEY WHAT?!" shrieked Soun as he shot out of bed, his eyes bloodshot. "What do you MEAN Kenma and Ranma made the master angry?!"
He clenched his fist in terror. "It's the thing I feared the most..."
Meanwhile, Genma was grabbing both boys and making a run for it.
"What exactly are you up to, panda-man?" Lum asked as she floated nearby.
Lum! What are you doing here?
"Back again to at least have something to do," responded Lum with a shrug.
Good, you can come with us!
"Let us go, ya big furry idiot!" Ranko yelled as she flailed and kicked angrily at the panda's ribs.
As Genma ran down the stairs, he was immediately stopped by Soun blocking his path. "And just where do you think YOU'RE going, Saotome?!" he snapped. "Leaving on a little training trip, are we?"
"More like chickening out!" Kenma remarked as he opened wide and bit into Genma's arm, making him release his grasp on him.
"Yeah, what're WE sneaking around for? We didn't do nuthin' wrong!" Ranko chimed in. "I ain't afraid of that old freak!"
"In that case, allow me to help you pack!" Soun responded, showing his true cowardly colors.
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" Ranko snapped at the two. "What'd he DO to you anyways?!"
"Oh, son, you don't know what you're saying!" Soun protested. "You have yet to experience the master's true wrath!"
"What are you even babbling about?" asked Kenma, annoyed.
"Come to think of it..." Akane murmured, remembering the last time Happosai fought Ranma.
Flashback?
Hell yeah.
Featured track: Dragon Ball Z M1525—The Tragic Battle
(Feel free to play this song while visualizing the flashback.)
"Behold, you are about to witness one of the world's most powerful forces!" Happosai declared. "The Spirit of the Founding School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts!"
And he began to cross his arms in an X-shape, as wisps of ki began to materialize around his body.
Ranma could only watch in horror as a tremendous, red-eyed apparition took full form—and it happened to resemble a demonic version of Happosai's head!
"Amazing...what a battle aura..." commented Akane.
Ranma, however, was completely motionless. I—I can't move...!
Happosai chuckled wickedly. "Something wrong, Ranma? You're usually a lot mouthier than this!" he observed.
The old man's aura has got him paralyzed—like a deer in headlights, thought Kenma. Kinda like General Blue's paralysis technique!
"C'mon, Ranma!" he called. "You've got to break free!"
"I'm looking forward to seeing you in this little number," smirked Happosai as he held up the bra. "Do ya want it over or under your clothes, my pretty?"
That was the motivation Ranma needed; it was all it took to force his brain to send a signal to the rest of his body: MOVE, DAMN YOU!
"I...would sooner die...THAN WEAR THAT!" Ranma grunted as he broke free, and began launching punch after punch at Happosai, using what Ken had taught him about the Roasted Chestnut Fist.
However, the old geezer effortlessly avoided the blows. "Still moving, even AFTER I struck you with my battle aura!" he observed as he grabbed Ranma's wrist with his pipe again. "Impressive!" And he flung Ranma three feet backwards without breaking a sweat.
End Flashback.
"I've never seen a battle ki as strong as on that day..." Akane reflected.
"Son, you have no idea of the forces he can unleash upon all of us!" Soun informed the boys. "That last fight was nothing compared to the Master's true wrath! In comparison, it'll seem like a training exercise!"
Kenma just scoffed. "Let the grotty old crotch-wart throw his little temper tantrum," he retorted. "This time, baby's not gettin' his bottle."
"Like we're gonna listen to two adult men who have less spines than jellyfish," scoffed Ranma. "And Jellyfish know how to fight back!" He had heard this type of song-and-dance from the older Tendo and Saotome so many times it had lost all meaning at this point.
"Woe is us!" whimpered Soun as he cowered with Genma. "What disaster have you both brought down on our heads?! WHAT IN HEAVEN'S NAME HAVE YOU DONE?!"
Lum crossed her arms. "You two are a pair of craven cowards, you know that?" she commented.
Ranko scoffed. "Come on, how bad could it be?" she asked. "I'm NOT afraid of him! Anything he can dish out, I'll face it head-on!"
Suddenly, the doors burst open and about a thousand delivery people came piling in, carrying boxes.
"100 orders of deluxe sushi combinations!"
"Got'cher custom ramen right here!"
"20 orders of tempura noodles, 50 orders of pork cutlets!"
And with them were about twelve very pissed-off women.
"OK, where's this 'Ranma Saotome'?"
"Not to mention Kenma!"
"Why do you want—" began Ranko before she was doused with hot water, and turned back into Ranma.
"Well, there you are, Ranma Saotome," sneered Happosai as he held the kettle. "You've got guests! And that goes for you too, Kenma!"
"So there you are, you little creeps!" snapped the angry lady as she held up a note. "You got some nerve doing what you did!"
The note read:
Wah-ha-ha! We've got your undies!
—Ranma and Kenma Saotome
"You think this crap is funny or something?!" the lady glowered.
Kenma briefly took out a pair of reading glasses and squinted. "...that's not our handwriting," he stated briskly.
"Well, son?!" asked Soun. "They're waiting!"
"What the hell are you looking at ME for?!" snapped Ranma. "I didn't order anything!"
"Oh, ya didn't, didja? Well, WHO DID?!"
"Look, I don't care who ordered what, JUST PAY UP!"
"50 orders of pork cutlets; that adds up to ¥43,775 [$321.60 in USD]! I want my dough, and I want it NOW!"
"I don't got the money to pay for that!"
"Then just sell your panda to some zoo and pay the bill!"
"The idea has merit, I'll admit."
"You gimme back my underwear, you little creeps!"
"We're gonna get you for this, you little drip," Ranma vowed, and Kenma nodded in agreement. "...and that's a Saotome Brothers guarantee!"
A COUPLE HOURS LATER...
Thanks to some quick thinking, the bills had been paid off, but Kenma's wallet had taken a huge blow, depleting his financial resources. On the plus side, they had a lot of food to eat now.
Alas, Happosai's one-man plague had not stopped. He had taken to covering the walls with paint streaks and paw prints, dropping matchsticks in Soun's tea and putting thumbtacks in his shoes.
"So this is his 'true wrath'..." commented Akane.
"It's nothing short of diabolical," Kasumi had to admit.
"Yeah...but it's so pitiful it's hard to begrudge him, y'know?" replied Nabiki.
"Remind me again..." Kenma said with a tone of annoyance in his voice seeing the "wrath of Happosai" for himself. "...exactly how old is this man? Is he over 300 years old or a damned whiny baby?"
The so-called 'master's wrath' was more equivalent to the tantrums of a spoiled child who'd just been told that no, he could NOT have that candy bar he'd been eyeing at the grocery store. Hell, he wouldn't be surprised if the old geezer started stomping his feet, shrieking at the top of his lungs, and holding his breath until his face turned blue!
"My money's on 'whiny baby'." stated Ranma.
"Yup." Lum nodded.
"I'll take some of that action," added Akimitsu.
"Don't leave ME out of it," Jinn chimed in.
"Mrow~" mewed Tomo.
"Be that as it may, we have to put a stop to this," explained Nabiki. "Or we'll never get any sleep."
Even if he IS our master, his actions are inhuman, Soun thought as Happosai was painting DOPE and STUPID on his face. I can't just sit idly by and let this destruction continue...
"I've reached my limit, Happosai!" declared Soun as he and Genma stood up. "I've had all I can stand, and I can't stand no more!"
Happosai raised an eyebrow. "Yeah?" he asked. "Izzat so?"
And then, Soun and Genma immediately prostrated themselves before the old lech, siphoning away what little shreds of dignity they had left.
"Please, master; allow us not to stand, but to bow before you in most humble obedience!" Soun pleaded. "Calm your righteous anger; we beg your forgiveness!"
"DAAAAD!" screamed Akane, embarrassed.
"Pathetic, yet strangely effective," commented Nabiki.
Happosai rubbed his chin, squinting fiercely at the two grown men bowing before him. "...aren't there two more?" he asked.
"Growr?" asked Genma.
"A couple more ingrates who should be bowing before me." Happosai stated.
"Gee, dunno who those guys are," Kenma replied, yawning.
"All they'd have to do is admit that they're wrong..." continued Happosai. "...and all would be forgiven."
Ranma didn't even say a single word.
"But no-o-o-o, they'd rather let everyone else suffer, sacrificing everything else for their own pride," Happosai crowed. "Well? Admit it! C'mon!"
"What're you, senile?!" Ranma snapped. "We'd rather die than apologize—"
WHAM!
Both Ranma and Kenma found themselves being shoved to the ground by Genma.
"I don't bow to nobody," Ranma grunted.
"Neither do I!" Kenma chimed in.
"You don't have to MEAN it when you grovel, son; just do it to appease the Master," whispered Soun. "It wouldn't really be bowing, it would just be pretend to soothe his wrath."
Kenma glanced downward as his eyes grew dark. "You know something? The both of you...make me wanna vomit," he spat, his tone acidic.
Genma let off a confused growl.
"What do you mean, Kenma?" inquired Soun.
Kenma scoffed. "Fine, since you don't quite understand, I'll keep going," he responded as he got to his feet. "You two call yourselves martial artists: men of honor and strength...and yet you're willing to drop to your knees, plead for mercy, and let this misbegotten mogwai-spawn tread all over you. Every time he goes off to cause trouble it's 'Yes, Master!' 'Sure thing, Master!' 'May we rub your back, Master?' Hey, since you've got the regular ones covered, I have a new one for you: 'Oh, please Grand Master Happosai, pull your pants down so that we may STICK OUR TONGUES IN YOUR ASSHOLE AND LICK OUT THE FUCKING SHIT CHUNKS TO CLEAN IT'! JUST BECAUSE YOU TWO GAVE UP YOUR FUCKING MANHOODS TO HAPPOSAI DOESN'T MEAN RANMA AND I HAVE TO!"
Happosai glared up at the boy. "You'd better apologize or else~!" he warned.
"Or else what, you dried-out old man-baby? You'll 'make my life a nightmare'?" Kenma snapped. "Hel-lo! You're 16 years too late! No matter what you do to me, Genma already did WORSE! And if I did apologize, what then? You just keep on going, causing nothing but trouble, and by doing nothing to stop you, they're technically a cause of the problem because they're only enabling your perverted desires! But not us! No, sir! We WON'T give in to criminal threats! I'm Kenma Saotome, and you're goddamn right I approve this message!"
Happosai raised a brow. "So I assume this means you don't intend to admit you were wrong to defy me?" he asked.
"Better yet," Kenma responded. "I'm not sorry, I DON'T regret what I did, and if I had to do it again? I'd make the same choice a thousand times over!"
"Or in other words..." Ranma said before opening the sliding door. "...WE WILL NEVEEEEEERRRRR APOLOGIZE!" he bellowed, sending Soun and Genma tumbling into the koi pond.
A HALF-HOUR LATER...
Both Ranma and Kenma were sitting out in the vacant lot, both boys carrying their own bundled-down backpacks.
"Perhaps it's best if you laid low for a few days," said Soun. "Just to save face for the master, of course."
Only for 2—3 days! said Genma's sign.
"I'm sorry, boys," said Kasumi. "If only our fathers weren't so gutless...but Jinn and I did pack you some food!"
"Maybe the old fart's anger will cool off by tomorrow," suggested Nabiki. "I mean...it's not so bad, right? Think of it as a vacation."
"A vacation, she says," Kenma sighed. "Good grief!"
"The old geezer throws a fit, and WE have to leave?" groused Ranma. "...and on a cold night, too! Rats!"
"How come we didn't go to Ukyo's place instead?" asked Kenma.
"She's out of town visiting her father to tell him the news about our relationship," responded Ranma.
"Didn't Ukyo give you a key to her place?" inquired Kenma.
"She was gonna do that, but I had to turn it down." stated Ranma.
Kenma's face fell. "What the—why?!" he asked.
"Because, and this is what I told her," responded Ranma. "—if my old man knew I had a key to her place, he would've robbed her and ate all her food to feed his bottomless gut."
Kenma rubbed his chin. "...okay, that actually makes a lot of sense." he admitted.
"Exactly what she said," responded Ranma.
"...how is it fair that we have to leave the house because the old man threw a shit-fit?" asked Kenma, after a bit of silence.
"Because we're guests in the Tendo home, our fathers are spineless when it comes to Happosai, and we'd rather do this than give in to that prune-faced troll throwing a fit," replied Ranma.
Kenma glanced at his brother. "I know how we got here, I was asking HOW IS IT FAIR?" he inquired.
"I never said it was fair," explained Ranma. "That's just our shitty lives being manipulated and controlled by our father who would rather stay lazy and leech off our hard work and earnings instead of actually getting a fucking job himself!"
Things were silent for a time. "...that word-a-day-calendar is really working for you, huh?" asked Kenma.
Ranma shrugged. "Hey, if you get a gift, may as well use it."
Kenma nodded. "Better than Genma's gift."
"Hell yeah, making us have to fight him for our gifts..." remarked Ranma, before it dawned on him. "Oh, my God, we had a fucked-up childhood."
Kenma rolled his eyes as he pulled out a bottle of root beer. "Well, duh. Probably gonna be fucked-up adults for what it's worth..." he groused as he stoked the fire.
Ranma nodded. "Probably make our therapists rich with all the counciling we'll need." he added.
"...yup," Kenma cracked open the bottle and took a long sip. After that came a long silence. "Hey, Ranma...you ever just—feel like wanting to die?" he finally asked.
Ranma glanced over at his brother. "Do you want the truth, or have me lie?" he asked him. Neither brother knew that Kasumi and Lum were listening in from nearby.
Kenma looked his brother right in the eye. "The whole truth, so help you god." he replied.
"So help me God..." Ranma muttered, before he looked back up at his brother. "Yes. A couple of times before coming to Nerima, and a few times after. But then...I thought about how that would effect you and leave you alone with Genma."
Kenma sighed as the flames crackled. "Whoa, that psychic link must be better than I thought. I've considered it a few times, too," he replied.
"Because we know our dad all too well," stated Ranma. "Just enough to know that what he put us through, he would double it all on one of us instead if we left him."
"Well...by the end of this? Things are going to be very different." declared Kenma.
Ranma nodded in agreement. "Absolutely, starting with putting our foot down on pop's spine and laying down the law," he responded. "We're telling him we won't take anymore of his bullshit. No more engagements, no more schemes, no more thefts...none of it!"
Kenma shook hands with his brother. "Hear-hear!"
"Hello, darling~!" crowed Lum as she and Kasumi arrived to check on the boys.
"Lum!" Ranma remarked as he turned to face the green-haired alien beauty. "What brings you here?"
"Well, I felt horrible about what you were going through," explained Lum. "So I wanted to come out here and keep you company. Kasumi insisted on going with me because she felt dreadful and wanted to make sure you were eating."
Kasumi nodded in agreement. "You two are very determined," she had to admit. "It's a welcome change from how Father and Mr. Saotome are."
"I can imagine, really," Kenma nodded.
"Besides, I think I have an idea to deal with that little creep once and for all," smiled Ranma, as he turned to Kasumi. "And we'll need your help to pull it off."
Kasumi smiled and gave a thumbs-up. "Consider it done," she replied.
"Excellent, yes...excellent..." Kenma grinned. "Hehehehe...hehehee...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors!
Ranma 1/2 fanfic trivia: Did you know that in this universe, Nodoka has three older brothers?
And now back to our show!
THE NEXT DAY...
"OW! Must you do that so hard?" cried Happosai.
"It wouldn't be so hard if you'd quit squirming," Kasumi responded.
"On the bright side, you've got a nice, warm lap for me to sit in…" Happosai commented, before he felt another sharp prick on his back. "YEOW!"
"I'd strongly suggest you keep your hands to yourself," advised Kasumi. "Unless you want me to stop."
"Alright, I'll be good," relented the old fossil. "Guess I just can't say no to ya."
FLASHBACK?
You're goddamn right.
"When this plan goes into action, the old man won't even expect it," smirked Kenma as he pulled out a packet from his pocket.
"First we make him cry…" began Ranma. "...and then, we make him DIE."
Kasumi looked at the packet in Kenma's hand. "What is that?" she asked.
"Shampoo gave it to me once; a Chinese herb she calls Nyokenko. I call it 'Girl-B-Gone'," explained Kenma. "It's like tear gas, but it only works on females. When the old man finds that girls are running AWAY from him, he won't know what hit him! And then—He DIES!"
"She also said that it was concocted by some Chinese empress who wanted to punish guys who ticked her off," added Ranma.
End Flashback.
With a wicked little giggle, Kasumi finished sewing on the patch. Boy, won't he be in for a surprise?
"There! It's all finished!" she said as the old geezer jumped up to take a look at his new patch.
"Wowee!" he exclaimed. "That's a cute little pig you sewed on!"
"I was hoping you'd like it," responded Kasumi.
"Well, you were right!" Happosai laughed gleefully. "The ladies won't be able to keep their hands off me when they see my cute new applique!"
More like they won't want to even be NEAR you, thought Kasumi with a glimpse of a smirk.
And so the old man trotted out of Kasumi's room, and out into town, little realizing what was going to happen.
...
Three schoolgirls were talking amongst themselves when Happosai bounded in front of them.
"Hey-ho, girlies!" he crowed. "Let's boogie!"
But the moment they got a whiff of him, they all collapsed like they'd been sprayed by a skunk.
"Get away from me!" one girl shouted as she hit him with her school bag. The schoolgirls screamed and ran for their lives as Happosai was left standing there, confused.
"What's up with them?" he asked. "I mean, I've always been hit by women, but they've never run away from me THAT fast!"
Happosai then spotted a young woman heading down the street and sprinted towards her. "And what's YOUR name?" he asked.
Unfortunately, her reaction was just like the one the old man had previously received. "URGH! Stay back!" she screamed as she threw cans at him, and crawled away, coughing roughly.
All the while, the Saotome Brothers watched from the rooftops.
"This—this is DELICIOUS!" Kenma guffawed, observing Happosai's plight.
"Oh! Who would've thought that being bad felt so good?" Ranma agreed.
Back on the ground, Happosai was in a panic. Women EVERYWHERE…running away from me?! he thought, mortified.
He tried running over to several other girls, but they each gagged, coughed, and threw things at him before running for their lives.
"No, no, NO!" howled Happosai. "This can't be happening!"
"Jeez! What'd ya do to em', Gramps?" One of the male onlookers said as he observed the situation.
"Howdy-do, old timer!" laughed Kenma as he landed on the old geezer's head. "I see you're quite down in the dumps!"
"Oh, Kenma!" Happosai exclaimed. "...is Ranma here?"
"Nope," Kenma lied.
"Oh. Well, it's terrible!" bawled Happosai. "Women are running away from me, and I don't know why!"
Kenma chuckled for a few minutes, before he broke into a full-blown laugh.
"Splendid!" he exclaimed. "So the Girl-B-Gone worked like a charm, then!"
Happosai looked confused. "Eh? Girl-B-Gone?" he asked.
"Like wolfsbane for werewolves," stated Ranma as he joined his brother. "Or garlic for vampires."
"So that's why the girls ran away!" exclaimed Happosai. "You little punks! How DARE you do such a thing to your master!"
"I told you, YOU ARE NOT! OUR! MASTER!" snapped Kenma. "You're just some ancient spoiled brat who despite possibly having a broken dick, is still perving on girls half of half of half your age!"
"I'm personally going to make you pay for that!" Happosai exclaimed, as he pulled out a papier-mache bomb and lit it. "HAPPO FIRE-BURST!"
But as he threw it, Kenma hopped up and slapped it back, causing it to explode right in the old geezer's face.
"H-how can this be?" Happosai asked. "That was my ultimate technique!"
"That's your ultimate technique?" asked Kenma. "Man, that's stupid!"
"Looks like your skirt-chasing days are over!" Ranma laughed.
"Dammit! Why didn't you just kill me instead?" asked Happosai.
"That will come soon, yes," Kenma responded, his eyes filling with darkness. "But first—you must suffer."
With a roar, Happosai lunged at the Saotome Brothers, before Ranma caught him with a fan and flung him into the air.
"It's up, and IT'S GOOOOOD!" Kenma exclaimed as he tossed his hands up. "Now I got a clear shot at him!"
Channeling some ki into his hand, Kenma drew it back, and then fired a blast at Happosai, which caught him dead-on in the air, leaving his body charred as it plummeted towards the ground.
"YES! I GOT 'IM!" laughed Kenma. "Now another blast to ensure it! Arrivaderci, Methuselah!"
As he wound up to fire again, he suddenly got bashed in the head by Genma.
"What the—?! You fat imbecile! Kenma was just about to finish the job, once and for all! And you pick NOW to show some balls?!"
"Foolish boys!" Genma spat. "You really think that was enough to faze the master? It was probably like a tickle to him! Right now, he's probably plotting his payback as we speak!"
THWACK! KRAK!
Happosai painfully landed on the ground behind them, breaking several bones and still being charred.
"...or, maybe not," commented Soun.
Kenma strode over and started warming up a blast again. "地獄に堕ちろ、老人. Not even YOU can block a blast at point-blank range." he scoffed.
"Hold on, Kenma," said Soun. "He was OUR master—"
"Only a master of disaster!" Ranma said, cutting Soun off.
"I was going to say, he was our master, so we should have the honor of getting revenge on him," responded Soun.
"Well, then go wild," shrugged Kenma.
"Ready, Saotome?" asked Soun.
"I've been dreaming of this every day since he showed up." Genma replied.
And then they both started furiously stomping on Happosai, churning up a dust cloud.
"Atta boys, that's the ticket!" crowed the old geezer on Soun's shoulder. "Stomp 'im! Mash 'im! Grind him into the dust!"
"Wait…if you're here…" Soun began before he and Genma glanced down. There were the beaten bodies of Ranma and Kenma.
"How the FUCK did we even get down here?!" wheezed Kenma.
"I can't feel my anything-goes…" Ranma groaned.
"Oh! Master!" Genma beamed, switching back to "sniveling bootlicker" mode. "Thank goodness you're alright!"
KRAKOOM!
In seconds, both men were pummeled and knocked into a pile.
"And YOU, boys! I expect a certain amount of playfulness from these two," scoffed Happosai. "But you oughta be ashamed of yourselves!"
"Yeah? Well, we're NOT!" Kenma sneered.
"Then I'll teach ya some respect!" Happosai retorted as he bopped him on the head.
"Teach this, Grandpa!" snapped Ranma as he swiped at Happosai, who just started running.
"Catch me if you can!" laughed the old gremlin as he raced off through town. But suddenly, a sharp pain ran through his body, and he collapsed.
As he fell over, Ranma stomped on his back, making him cry out in pain.
"Huh? Why'd you—?" The ponytailed martial artist questioned as he stopped dead in his tracks to see the little gremlin writhing in pain.
To his surprise, Happosai pulled himself up and tried to crawl towards a couple of girls who'd just come back from tennis.
"Puh-puh-pretty l-ladies…guh-guh-girls…" he wheezed as he tried to reach for them. "...vuh-vuh-vaginas…tuh-tuh-titties…peh-peh-pussy…"
As he extended a hand, he was once again beaned with objects, and the girls ran away.
Happosai laid on the ground, wheezing and coughing as his eyes were bloodshot.
"Juh-just…just one little touch…" he groaned in agony.
"I don't believe it!" exclaimed Genma.
"The master's in withdrawal!" remarked Soun.
"Withdrawal?!" sputtered Ranma. "Whaddya mean?!"
"The master isn't like any other run-of-the-mill pervert—he's an addict!" explained Genma. "He absolutely craves the touch of female flesh! For him, not being able to touch a girl is like not being able to breathe!"
"So we kill him, then?" asked Kenma.
"Of COURSE not!" Genma retorted as he and Soun picked up Happosai and put him in a box. "We're going to mail him to the South Pole!"
"But we have to finish him off now, or he'll come back!" exclaimed Kenma as they were taping the box shut. "He's too powerful to be left alive!"
After looking at the pitiful state that Happosai was in, Ranma actually began to feel sorry for the little gremlin. [Why he felt sorry for him, I'll never truly understand.] Somehow, by some unknown entity, whether it be out of some distorted sense of honor or just mere pity, Ranma actually felt this seemed undignified.
So he grabbed the box away from Soun and Genma, and sprinted away, with Kenma right behind him.
"Ah, I see! We're taking him away so we can destroy him in private, right?" asked Kenma. "Good thinking!"
"No. I'm lettin' him loose."
Kenma chuckled a bit as they made their way to the vacant lot. "That's a good one, Ranma. Here I almost swear you said you were gonna let him loose," he remarked.
"I'm serious, Ken. I'm letting him go," said Ranma as they arrived.
There was a silence that permeated the air until Kenma finally spoke up.
"...ARE YOU NUTS?!" he screamed. "WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WANNA DO THAT? Did you forget about all the trouble he's been causing? All the pranks he's pulled? His stupid tantrum that got both of us kicked outta the house?!"
"I know, I know. It sounds crazy and stupid but it's just that….I can't stand seein' someone so helpless!" Ranma spat back at Kenma.
"You…you…" fumed Kenma, before his arms collapsed to his sides. "...you know he wouldn't do the same if you were the vulnerable one, right?"
"Maybe, but I still don't like seein' anybody so helpless—especially because I know what it's like," stated Ranma.
"...ah, right," Kenma nodded, remembering the living hell that was the training of the Cat-Fist.
The older Saotome brother sighed and said. "I know I sound like I've lost my mind, but it's just the way I feel."
Kenma sighed. "...fine, go ahead and let him out," he told him. "But if something happens, it's on YOUR head."
Suddenly, there came a rumbling sound…and then came the rain. First a drop…then another…and then it came in buckets.
Before Ranma could even register what was going on, he suddenly found himself drenched, and he was now a she again.
"Oookay, we may be in trouble," stated Ranko.
"I told you we should've destroyed him when we had the chance!" snapped Kenma, as the rain began to wear away the cardboard box.
Once the box was wet enough, Happosai clawed his way out and clamored onto Ranko, rubbing himself all over her body.
"WHOOPEE!" he exclaimed. "FEMALE FLESH! TITTIES! YIPPEE!"
Ranko's face turned purple with disgust as she gagged at the awful aroma of the Nyokenko; the plan had backfired significantly.
"I feel brand-spankin' new!" Happosai laughed as he flexed his arms. "And now that I've got my second wind, it's time for some payback!"
Kenma just shot his brother a glare. "Well, still feeling sorry for 'im?" he asked dryly.
"Nope! In fact, I feel like a damn fool!" Ranko said, feeling an entirely different degree of stupid for what did.
"Haha! You should, because only a fool would allow their best weapon to be used against them!" laughed the old geezer.
"Well, so what? That Girl-B-Gone will only last a couple more hours!" snapped Ranko.
"That's fine, because by the time it's done, I'll have gotten a picture of you in THIS!" Happosai laughed as he drew out the bra he'd been keeping on his person.
"No way!" Kenma bellowed before he threw out a Pokeball. "Tomo, use Fury Swipes!"
The Meowth hissed and drew out its claws, before it leapt at Happosai and clawed him in the face.
"Aaaagh! That damn cat!" the old man howled in pain as he clutched his scarred face.
Kenma, go for the old geezer's back! Ranko informed him mentally.
No problem, nodded Kenma. "Tomo, Fury Swipes again, but this time on his back!"
"Rowr!" Tomo exclaimed, before he slashed Happosai across the back, cutting off the part of his suit that had the applique on it.
"Great! Now I can punt 'im!" Ranko grinned as she charged at the old fossil, drawing back and booting him right into the sky, sending him soaring away.
Meanwhile, Panda-Genma and Soun were stalking through the streets of town; Soun was clad from head-to-toe in cumbersome samurai armor, holding a mallet in one hand, and an archery bow in the other.
"Happosai...you wretched demon..." Soun glowered. "Bane of my existence—you shall be brought to justice...!"
Never again shall we bow and prostrate ourselves before him! said Genma's sign.
"Now is the time we finally exact sweet revenge, Saotome!" Soun declared. "Live or die, we fight together!"
"Say, Nabiki; isn't that guy in armor your father?" asked one of Nabiki's friends while they walked by.
Nabiki kept her eyes on her ice cream. "Never seen that man in my life," she replied.
"And now, we shall—" Soun declared, before he was cut off.
CRASH!
Genma and Soun ran over to a nearby trashcan and looked in, seeing that Happosai had landed in there.
"Damn that Ranma...AND damn Kenma, too!" he scowled.
Soun and Genma looked at each other, then turned the trashcan over and started stomping it into the ground, beating and bashing it with their signs and mallets.
"For an evil force like this, there can BE no mercy!" Soun bellowed as he and Genma each punched the sides of the can. But then, there came a wicked laugh from within the can, and it began to tremble as cracks formed on the sides.
Suddenly, the can burst into pieces, and Happosai let his demonic aura burst forth, manifesting into his gigantic head above him. "FOOLISH MORTALS...!" he bellowed in a deep, scary voice.
Ranko and Kenma arrived at the scene, only to be nearly blown back by the force of the old master's dark ki.
"Damn!" grunted Ranko. "That's some serious raw power he's putting out!"
"Don't let it overwhelm you, Ranko!" instructed Kenma as he crossed his arms over his face. "Just stand tough and hang in there!"
Soun didn't dare try to raise his arms, but Happosai somehow concentrated and sent some of the debris right at him, knocking him down and sending his helmet flying off.
"Dad!" exclaimed Akane as she ran over.
"Mr. Tendo!" Ranko and Kenma exclaimed as they ran over.
"Akane...forgive your pitiful father..." groaned Soun as he lifted his head to see them.
"You protected us?" asked Ranko.
"Dad, that was so brave of you!" said Akane.
"Actually...the armor was just too heavy for me to run..." grunted Soun.
Akane's face fell. "...you really are pathetic..." she grumbled.
Happosai laughed as he grew twenty stories tall. "So, Ranma, you gonna put the bra on?" he asked. "Or do I hafta get nasty?"
"WAY too late for that, old man!" Kenma shouted. "Can't get much nastier than you already ARE!"
"I don't care HOW big you get!" Ranko chimed in. "A 20-foot freak is STILL a freak!"
Before she could retaliate, Genma knocked him aside. I, too, have my pride! read his sign.
"...since WHEN?!" snapped Kenma.
Putting his paws to the sides, Genma let out a roar as he immediately grew to 20 feet tall! All around town, people shrieked and ran for their lives, not wanting to get hurt in the crossfire.
"So, it's an aura technique, huh?" asked Ranko. "I gotta figure that one out myself..."
"Ditto," nodded Kenma.
"Whoa! That's incredible, Mr. Saotome!" gasped Akane.
Genma let out a tremendous roar as he got into Happosai's face. But Happosai just roared back as he grew bigger! Then Genma roared in his face as he tried to get bigger...but then his eyes rolled back in his head, and he shrank back to his normal size, faceplanting on the ground.
I...leave it to you, my sons...the sign said as Genma held it up.
"You got big for five minutes, but you couldn't even keep it up?" asked Kenma. "God, this must be how Mom felt!"
"Geez! Why bother gettin' big if there was nothing you could do with it?!" snapped Ranko.
And then, Happosai suddenly shrank back to his normal size too, before he collapsed.
"He must've used all his battle aura, too!" Akane exclaimed.
"...well, THAT was a stupid fight!" remarked Ranko.
"Aye," agreed Kenma.
and so, that evening...
Ranma and Kenma were back at the Tendo House, eating dinner with the others while Happosai was watching television.
"—is home video footage captured by a local resident..." said a news reporter as the TV showed video of Happosai and Genma's 'confrontation'.
"Say, I look pretty good on TV!" commented the old geezer.
Ranma placed his fork down and looked across at Kenma, who gave him a firm nod with a gentle look. No words were needed—whatever problems either brother was dealing with, they'd face it together.
"Whatever happened to Father and Mr. Saotome?" asked Kasumi. "They came home and went right to bed."
"Dunno, but I'm keeping out of it," stated Nabiki.
ON THE NEXT EPISODE:
AKANE: Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo? Ever since I was little, I wanted to play the role of Juliet in Romeo and Juliet. Now all I need is a Romeo—maybe it'll be Aki? One can definitely hope!
In the next episode: Wherefore Art Thou, Romeo? The Taking of Akane's Lips!
AKI: Hoo-boy...I hope I don't freeze up or anything!
OMAKE
[for Star Wars Day, which is the day this is being published]
Ranma: It's over, Ryoga! I have the high ground!
Ryoga: Ranma, you underestimate my power!
Ranma: I'm sorry, but are you dumb or just fuckin' special?
Ryoga just stands there in shock
Ranma: I mean, we've been scrappin' since 1989 and you STILL think some sorta bullshit technique is gonna save you when I tenderize you like a fresh cut of beef?!
Ryoga: Uh...I—
Ranma: Not only I am more skilled and more levelheaded than you, I'm on THE MOTHERFUCKING HIGH GROUND! You ever read "The Art of War"? It says In bold "DO NOT TRY AND FUCK WITH THE HIGH GROUND"!