Episode #24:

"Momma Drama"

The Summary:
Chaos erupts amongst the would-be brides of Ranma Saotome when it appears that Ranma and Kenma's long-lost mother has finally found them once more. Surprisingly, Kenma is not so eager to reunite with their estranged parent—but is his distrust warranted?

FEATURED VOICE TALENT
(recorded at BUZZY'S RECORDING STUDIO, CA)
LORENZO MUSIC as Ranma/SUE BLU as Ranko
FRANK WELKER as Kenma
JANET WALDO as Akane Tendo
DIANNE PERSHING as Nabiki Tendo
RUSSI TAYLOR as Kasumi Tendo
TERRY MACGOVERN as Jinn
ED GILBERT as Genma Saotome
ROBERT AXELROD as Happosai
DAVE MALLOW as Soun Tendo
REBECCA FORSTADT as Kodachi Kuno
KERRIGAN MAHAN as Tatewaki Kuno
RENAE JACOBS as Ukyo Kuonji
JENNIFER DARLING as Shampoo
TIM MATHESON as Ryoga Hibiki
BARBARA GOODSON as Sakura

One evening at the Tendo Dojo, the boys were in yet another argument with Genma, while the Tendos…as well as Happosai and Wilbur…were caught in the middle.

"Ranma…would you mind moving from my seat?" asked Soun.

"That depends, does Dad mind not being a gargantuan piece of shit for once in his life?" Kenma spat icily.

"Haven't you been fighting long enough?" asked Akane.

"Why don't you ask them?" snapped Genma.

"I'll say sorry, when HE sez sorry!" Ranma retorted.

"WHAT'D YOU SAY?!" snapped Genma.

"Oh, I'm sorry, are you deaf AND stupid?!" Kenma shot back.

Suddenly, there came a female voice from outside. "Hello?"

"I'll get it!" Kasumi said while Genma and his sons were snarling at each other like ravenous dogs.

"Mr. Saotome, you have a visitor." Kasumi informed him as she sat next to Jinn.

"Who, me?" asked Genma.

"Knowing him, it's probably a debt collector," commented Ranma.

Kenma gave a wheezing laugh in response. "Or the cops with a warrant!" he snickered.

"That wouldn't surprise me…" Nabiki remarked.

"Actually, it's an attractive older woman!" Kasumi replied, startling Nabiki so much that her head fell off her shoulders [you know, like a Dullahan!]. Fumbling a bit, she quickly popped her head back onto her neck.

Kenma did a double-take upon seeing that, and scratched his head in bewilderment.

"Say it ain't so! There's GOT to be some kind of mistake!" blurted Soun as he fell towards Kasumi. "RIGHT, KASUMI?! No woman in their right mind would be calling on Saotome!"

"What's the matter, Daddy? Is somebody a little jealous?" asked Nabiki with a smirk.

"Oh, I—er, um…well…" Soun stammered before he took his paper and went back to looking at it. "...you know."

And so, as Genma was talking with this mysterious woman, several heads popped out to take a look at the scene, including those of Happosai and Wilbur.

The big lout was laughing rather giddily about something or other, which piqued the others' curiosity even more.

"What's with all the bowin' and scrapin'?" snapped Happosai, annoyed. "Why don'cha show some guts fer a change?"

"Perhaps he lost them while being your student," Kenma remarked.

"Yeah! You probably beat the guts right outta him!" Ranma added.

"Well, what IS he, a man or a mouse?!" snapped Happosai before he grabbed onto Akane's leg. "Personally, mice have their advantages…"

POW!

Of course, he was "rewarded" with a fist in the skull courtesy of Akane.

"So you won't let me speak with them, then?" the older woman asked.

"I'm sorry but it's not such a good idea." explained Genma.

"But I...Ranma, Kenma, sweeties!" the brunette woman called. "I need to talk to you!"

"Huh?" the boys both exclaimed.

"She called you sweeties?" asked Akane. "How come?"

"Well, how the hell should WE know that?" Kenma retorted.

"Who knows? Maybe it's just how she greets people." Ranma shrugged.

"Wait! Ranma doesn't know a thing, and neither does Kenma! You'll only confuse them needlessly!" insisted Genma. "It'll be better if I can break it to them in my own way!"

"Just one minute?"

"I'll let you talk to them, just gimme some time to soften them up a bit!" insisted Genma.

"Dears—!" the woman called, waving to the boys as Genma blocked her path.

"Now she just called you two 'Dears'! That can't be a coincidence" Akane observed once again.

"Astute as always, eh Akane?" Kenma taunted.

"Ranma, Kenma, I'm going out!" Genma said as he stepped outside. "I'll explain everything later!"

And he closed the door behind him, as the woman called out, "Ranma! Kenma!"

"So what was that all about?" asked Ranma.

"Beats me," Kenma shrugged.

"So, his past has come back to haunt him," said Happosai, prompting everyone to glance over at him. "It happened when Genma was a young man. As I've told you many times, the three of us were on a training trip to hone our skills..." he began.

"In other words, you were fresh off another panty raid," Kenma interjected.

"Shut up and respect your master!" Happosai squawked.

"I told you, you ain't my master!" Kenma retorted.

"And you don't deserve any respect after all the crap you put us through!" Ranma growled.

"As it happened, Genma fell in love," the old fart continued. "Her name was Sakura, as in cherry blossom."

"You mean like that useless pink-haired bitch from 'Naruto'?" asked Kenma.

"Or that fighting schoolgirl from Street Fighter?" added Ranma.

"First rule of Anything Goes is to NEVER interrupt your master!" Happosai snapped.

"And we said, YOU'RE NOT OUR MASTER!" Ranma and Kenma retorted.

"I thought the first rule was there were no rules?" Soun asked in confusion trying to remember the rules.

"Whatever!" Happosai said as he continued. "Anyways, the two fell in love, and Sakura gave birth to one healthy baby boy…and a sickly, worthless brat."

"How about ya kiss my ass, Captain Cuntwad and the 45th Asshole Brigade?" Kenma remarked.

"Anyways, these four lived together…but Sakura's parents didn't approve of this love—probably because their second child was so horribly deformed," Happosai continued.

"Does the phrase 'F.O' mean anything to ya?" Ranma spat.

Ignoring this, Happosai finished his story. "And thus, Genma and his babies took to the road, while Sakura stayed behind," he concluded. "Forever alone."

"Well, this is the first I've ever heard of this!" Soun remarked.

"Likewise," Kenma nodded.

"Oh my! That's terrible." Kasumi said, actually believing the old gremlin's story. "Your father probably didn't tell you because he wanted to spare you the pain."

"And because it was probably another giant lie," Kenma sniffed.

"Come on, Kasumi! Don't tell me you actually bought this sentimental claptrap." the ponytailed boy added. It wasn't the first time Happosai lied to them with some made-up B.S. story.

"Yeah!" Kenma chimed in. "I mean, someone finding GENMA desirable? That's a plot hole bigger than a moon crater!"

"Oh…" the elder Tendo sister realized just how ridiculous the story was. "Admittedly, the story doesn't quite hold up to scrutiny

"Yeah, kinda sounds like the plot to a cheesy soap opera. And not one of the good ones." Nabiki stated, adding her own two cents.

"See?" Kenma asked. "There we go! Nice to see MOST of us have begun using our brains today!"

Meanwhile, Soun was brought to tears by this absolutely ludicrous story, buying it wholesale. "Then WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING TO HELP!" he bawled.

"I agree," the old man nodded. "We've got to bring them together as one big happy family."

"...honest question here, who else saw this coming?" Kenma asked as several hands were raised up.

"You can count on ALL of us," Soun said as he glomped both boys in his arms.

"Be happy, lads!" Happosai declared.

"Don't tell me how to feel, you prune!" Kenma snapped.

"Hip hip hooray, for us." Ranma said very unenthusiastically

Kenma scoffed, even less enthusiastic than his brother. They haven't seen their mother since—actually, he couldn't even remember what their mother looked like! And he was fully convinced that she wanted nothing to do with them, either.

Wilbur looked at this, and became convinced that this would be the perfect opportunity to get rid of Ranma—not by killing him like all of his other attempts that would've worked (they were never gonna work in the first place), but by sending him and his brother back to his mother and away from the Tendos.

"Now stop wasting time and go straight to your mother's bosom!" Happosai declared before getting two fists to the head by Kenma and Ranma.

"Why the hell would you even phrase it like that, you ugly freak?!" Kenma shouted before he sent the pervert flying off the veranda with his nunchucks.

"Hop into our mother's bosom…what does he think we are? 3 years old?" scoffed Ranma.

THE NEXT AFTERNOON…

After yet another day of contending with their lunatic principal, Ranma, Kenma, and Akane finished another day of school.

"Hey, whatcha got there?" Ranma asked as he looked at the papers in Kenma's hands.

"Oh just some art I made of some of the Seven Lucky Gods and the guys from Togenkyo. Thought these would sell well." Kenma said as he flipped through the art he made, while it was hard to find time to draw given Genma's and Happosai's antics, he could always relax while drawing.

He froze when one artwork popped up as he tried to hide it quickly. "Whoops! How'd that get in there? Heh-heh-heh…" Kenma panicked as he let out a chuckle before hiding it in his backpack. The picture in question was a very steamy drawing of Nabiki from their Togenkyo adventure that was definitely not for public viewing.

"Hey, I know you guys are trying to cope knowing your mother's back in your lives," Akane sighed. "But shouldn't you lay low for a while?"

"I'm sorry, what?" Kenma asked as he was confused where this was coming from.

"Why ya making a big deal about this?" Ranma asked before a bokken appeared next to his head. "Huh?"

"I heard and know everything, foul fiend!" Kuno stated in his normal state of delusion. "If you think to escape from the wrath of my most puissant self with your meager plots and trickery, then you should think again!"

"Puissant self? The hell does that mean? I swear you're just making words up at this point!" Ranma turned around to face the kendoist.

"Eh…don't look now, bro," said Kenma, spotting Ryoga behind him. "But the trouble just doubled."

Ranma looked behind him, and groaned when he saw Ryoga standing there ready for a fight. "Oh great, what do you want now Ryoga?"

"I don't care what plans you have cooked up, but you're not leaving until we settle the score!" Ryoga smirked, thinking he had them cornered.

"What the hell? Where do you two get the idea that we were gonna be leaving?" Ranma asked, confused.

"Fine! You wanna fight?" Kenma asked, taking a defensive stance. "You'll get one, but don't go cryin' when we knock you clear to Hell!"

Before the guys could attack, they were tackled to the ground by Ukyo, Shampoo and Kodachi. "Ranma-honey, say it isn't true?" Ukyo pleaded with her boyfriend. "Are you really gonna leave us behind to live with your mother?"

"Say it isn't so, Kenma!" Shampoo pleaded as she gave Kenma the puppy-dog eyes (she knew he couldn't resist them). "She would be my mother-in-law in the near future too, so I don't want you to run away from me."

"We're not running away! Who have you heard this from anyway?" Kenma responded.

"I am so not in the mood for this rumor—" Ranma said before Kodachi tied both boys up with her ribbon, unintentionally choking them both.

"I shall follow you both anywhere, my darlings!" Kodachi declared.

"GWAK/GAH!" Both Saotomes responded as their faces began turning red, then blue.

Ukyo quickly pulled out a spatula and held it at the gymnast with a fire in her eyes. "You better step off of my boyfriend and let him go, he's turning blue!"

"Silence, you wench!" Kodachi yelled back, tightening her grip on the ribbon, thus tightening her grips on Ranma and Kenma's necks before Shampoo cut the both of them free.

Both boys fell to the ground, clutching their necks and panting heavily.

"Kami bless you, Shampoo," Kenma wheezed, as he thanked his Amazon girlfriend.

Ukyo saw Ranma was free, and she held him close to protect him as he caught his breath. "It's okay Ranma, take deep breaths honey."

Ranma did so as he felt Ukyo patting his back to help relieve the stress he felt from being choked so tight.

As Akane just huffed and looked away, as she didn't even budge to try and help them out while being choked, Kuno watched on as a thought actually ran through his head.

Some could say that they actually heard what sounded like gears spinning after years of neglect coming from the wannabe samurai.

Hang on a second, if they ARE leaving Nerima… why don't we just LET them leave? he pondered.

If Ranma and Kenma DID leave… an ACME-style thought bubble appeared above him as he played out the scenario in his head. With Ranma and Kenma gone, his main obstacles from getting to Akane would be out of the picture. He ALSO imagined himself defeating Akimitsu too (which was very unlikely to ever happen), Akane was then all over him. Akane Tendo would be all mine. Physically, mentally…inevitably!

Miraculously, Ryoga was thinking the same thing, as he just remembered his plan from last night that he forgot about while lost in his own mind.

"THEY MUST BE SET FREE!" Kuno and Ryoga shouted as they stood up and got between the brothers and the girls.

"Give them Liberty—" Kuno shouted.

"Or give them death, either option is fine by me!" Ryoga added. "Guys gotta stick together, after all!"

"What the hell is wrong with you two?" Akane asked in disbelief at what was happening.

"We must solve this problem, with a vote!" Kuno declared before shouting, "All those in favor of Ranma and Kenma leaving for good, raise your hands!"

Both kendoist and lost boy raised their hands and held up the girls' hands as well to make it seem like they voted in favor. "Sorry, majority rules. Ranma and Kenma are hereby ban—"

The girls glared at the moronic duo and all four of them kicked Ryoga and Kuno as hard as they could. "GIVE US A BREAK!" they shouted angrily.

"Well, that was a waste of time," Ranma remarked as he watched that whole plot unfold. "Hey Ukyo, I hear there's a good movie playing today, wanna watch it?"

Ukyo beamed at the idea as she hugged Ranma's right arm. "Oh I'd love to, Ranma-honey."

"Yeah, I'm with ya!" Kenma said as he got back up. "Hey Shampoo, I hear there's a new Italian restaurant in town. Wanna eat there?"

Shampoo had the biggest smile on her face as she jumped in place before leaping into a hug. "Oh, I'd love to, Kenma!" she gushed.

"What about moi?" Kodachi asked as she watched her darlings walk off without her. A cloud of desperation hung over her head, before she saw Mousse out for a delivery. "Oh! He's cute!" she exclaimed as she ran over to get his attention.

As soon as Kodachi leapt to catch up with Mousse, Akane was left standing behind with two unconscious guys in front of her. "Honestly, those idiots..."

"Now hold up there, my pretties!" Happosai stated as he landed on the unconscious Kuno's back, having his eyes closed before opening them, and seeing no one around. "Huh? Where'd they all run off to? I had this whole speech planned about Japanese mothers picking a daughter-in-law!"

"On dates, stupid," Akane retorted. "...you know, like how teenagers do."

"Great, well there goes my plan of having three hot girls clean the house for me, making them think it was a competition to see who would be the better daughter-in-law." Happosai groaned, dejectedly since his plan had been foiled. "Curse these teenage hormones and taking girls out on dates!"

"Wait a minute…" Akane growled in anger at the diminutive pervert. "Were you the one who spread that rumor about them leaving Nerima to be with their mother to everyone?"

"...if I say yes, would you hold me in your bosom Akane?" Happosai asked as he leapt up to Akane before he got sent flying into the sky by Akane's uppercut.

"LIKE HELL I'D LET YOU, YOU PERVERT!" Akane yelled at the top of her lungs.

LATER THAT EVENING…

"Look guys, all I'm saying is that you should give your dad the benefit of the doubt." Akane said.

"Yeah, well every time we've done THAT it's screwed us over," Kenma retorted. "If Mom was so eager to come an' see us, where's she been these last 16 years, huh?"

"Hey, don't count her out just yet, Kenma." Ranma insisted. "Maybe she had a good reason for staying away so long."

"A good reason? What good reason would she have to not come and see us? To leave us alone for our entire lives with that irresponsible jackass that calls himself our father?!" Kenma countered as he was getting annoyed.

"Why are you being so stubborn? God, just go talk to her already!" Akane grumbled, annoyed by how stubborn Kenma was.

"Because why would I ever go to the woman who supposedly abandoned us and never tried to find us or try to contact us for our whole lives?!" Kenma yelled back in frustration. "At least YOUR MOM has the excuse of being DEAD! Akane, next time you want to butt into a Saotome family problem—here's my advice: DON'T! EVEN! BOTHER!" he screamed at her.

He got to his feet and then went inside, leaving Ranma, Akane, and Wilbur on the veranda.

Nabiki soon came onto the veranda as she heard Kenma shouting. "Okay, which one of you made my man angry?" she demanded to know.

Ranma jabbed a thumb at Akane. "Ask Miss Busybody," he responded.

"How is it my fault?" Akane asked defensively as she glared at Ranma. "All I said was to give your father the benefit of the doubt and think about your mother in town!"

"Our father has always screwed us over in the past, how can you be so willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, but be so willing to think only the worst of us?" asked Ranma. "Second of all, we don't know if that lady really is our mom. Besides, you forget who told us that little fabrication."

Akane hesitated to refute that last question, but she was quick to offer a rebuttal to the ending statement. "She's not going away, you know." she said with her head down.

"Yeah, I know," riposted Ranma.

Akane's brow furrowed. "Then why won't you agree to meet with her and talk?!" she exclaimed.

"Hey, I'm not just doing this for ME, y'know!" Ranma snapped. "In case you haven't been paying attention…Kenma doesn't exactly trust our mom. For all we know, she could be just as bad as Genma, if not worse. I mean, sure, being apart from her really affected me, but Kenma's younger, a little more impressionable. Even if I am older by 5 minutes, being separated from Mom really shook him up. He's convinced that Mom never wanted us, that she's only visiting after all this time in order to use us as pawns again."

"Grrr…listen, Ranma, it's none of my business, but you're allowed to stay with whoever you want!" Akane angrily spat back.

"You know something, Akane?" asked Ranma, his tone calmer. "...you're right."

Akane's eyes widened in bewilderment. "...r-really?" she asked, awestruck. "Well…I'm glad you decided to start listening to reason and—"

"No, I mean that you're right in saying that it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" Ranma remarked, cutting her off. "Like Kenma said, this is a Saotome family problem, so why are you a Tendo involving yourself in it?"

He got to his feet, and walked off, leaving Akane outside with Wilbur.

"Hmph! Stupid jerk…I just wanted to help!" the blue haired girl said under her breath while a few tears rolled down her face.

Don't let it get you down, Akane! squealed Wilbur. Those idiots don't DESERVE help from you! You poured your heart out, and they didn't even appreciate it!

Of course, since he couldn't talk in actual words, it just came out as more squealing noises.

Later, Akane tried to get some sleep, but she found herself constantly tossing and turning. Sitting up in bed, she sighed.

Maybe what I need is a workout, she thought to herself.

And so, downstairs she went; but when she came to use the dojo, she saw Ranma and Kenma in there, sparring against one another and sweating fiercely.

From what Akane could observe, Kenma's attacks were fiercer and more primal, and he was sweating like mad.

"It's hard on them too, you know," said Soun, prompting Akane to glance up and see her father standing nearby. "Kenma never got a chance to know what sort of person his mother truly was, you see. He and Ranma try so hard to hide it, but they're most likely hurting on the inside. To a martial artist in training, their problems are their own, and not something that they should burden others with. So they both choose to sally forth, carrying the pain they feel deep within, refusing to let it out, lest they be looked upon as 'weaklings'."

THE NEXT MORNING...

As Ranma and Kenma came into the living room, they saw that Genma was at the table, scarfing down a big bowl of rice.

"Well, if it isn't the bloated bean-bag himself," Kenma remarked. "And in the process of acquiring more stuffing, no less."

"And where the hell have you been all this time?" Ranma shouted at Genma.

"If I had to guess," commented Happosai. "I'd say on a quest seeking that which he most desires."

"What, a free meal?" Kenma commented with a snicker.

"Is it me, or has Mr. Saotome put on weight?" inquired Akane.

Nabiki mused. "One might think he's been binging in secret, hmm?" she asked.

"Yes…" replied Kenma. "One might think."

Soon, Genma polished off his bowlful, and clasped his hands together. "Thanks for the breakfast," he said, before he got up and left the living room, a small yawn in his throat.

"So where's HE going?" muttered Kenma as he and Ranma watched him leave.

"Tell me, girls," said Soun, changing the subject. "What do you think of having the boys' mother move in with us?"

"Father, that's a splendid idea," complimented Nabiki. "That way, Ranma and Kenma needn't be separated from Akane, right Akane?" she taunted with an incredibly smug smile.

"Oh. Well, I mean…" Akane stumbled verbally. "I-it's not my call to make…I'm fine if Dad's fine…"

"Then it's decided," declared Soun. "We'll talk it out, man-to-man!"

"Hey! Will ya let go of me, Mr. Tendo?!" snapped Ranma, struggling against the grasp of the man's elbow.

"Oh. Forgive me, Son." the Tendo patriarch said with a small chuckle.

SHORTLY...

Both boys, Happosai, and Soun were in another room with Genma, who had his back turned to them as he stared ahead.

Finally, Ranma broke the silence. "I'M SICK A' THIS!" he blurted. "Pop, I refuse to—"

Soun put his hand up and rounded on Ranma. "Think before you speak, Son!" he insisted.

"And why is that?" asked Kenma.

"I understand how you feel!" Soun declared.

"Uh-huh, sure ya do," Kenma responded dryly.

"But you MUST understand, these past few days have been difficult for Genma as well!" Soun continued. "If you truly care about your father, shouldn't you sympathize with his pain, and not speak so carelessly? Please, boys, do the right thing, and let ME handle this!"

Kenma rolled his eyes, but he and Ranma stepped back to let Soun deal with the situation.

"Look, the truth is, this is about that woman from the other day," explained Soun. "Must you REALLY go off with her, or—"

Genma's head moved slightly.

"So...it's like that?" asked Soun. "You intend to help out with the family business?"

Genma gave a low groan as his head bobbed again.

Soun bowed. "I suppose we can't change your mind," he said. "Ranma, Kenma, don't blame your father."

"Maybe it's his problem, but it don't mean nothin' to ME!" Ranma declared as he stood up.

And then, Genma fell right on his back...and snored.

He snored.

Genma had been asleep the entire time.

"The big dupe's been catchin' big Z's!" Kenma remarked. "...not quite surprising."

"SAOTOME!" Soun yelled. "WHY IS IT THAT EVERY TIME I STICK MY NECK OUT FOR YOU, YOU FIND SOME WAY TO MAKE ME REGRET IT?!"

"That's the old man fer ya," scoffed Ranma.

Soun stormed out of the room in a huff while Ranma spotted something sticking out of Genma's shirt: a sprig of bamboo.

"What kinda bamboo is this?" the ponytailed boy queried.

"I'd say it must be imported straight from China." Happosai replied.

All of a sudden, Genma shot awake…or rather, he seemed to be more half-asleep.

"Don't wanna be late…" he murmured. "...got a very important date…"

"Important date? What's he babbling about now?" asked Ranma.

"Sounds like he fell asleep readin' Lewis Caroll," commented Kenma as Genma took to his heels and left the house.

"Or maybe he really does have an important date." suggested Ranma.

"Sure, Ranma," Kenma scoffed. "He's headed to an unbirthday celebration with the Mad Hatter and the March Hare."

"I'm being serious, ya know."

"Don't tell me you actually believe this nonsense! It's just one big disconnected misunderstanding."

"Maybe, but he had to have gotten this bamboo from somewhere. What if he wants to go get more?"

THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL…

"I heard everything from Dad," said Akane. "Guess you'll be moving out soon, huh?"

"Pops will be moving out," corrected Kenma. "Who said that we would be joining him?"

"There you two go again, putting on that stupid Mr. Cool act!" the blue-haired girl nagged, much to the boys' ire.

"Listen, we're NOT trying to impress anyone!" Ranma shot back.

"Then what are you doing?"

"WHY the hell do you even care anyway, huh?"

"I don't for you, but your dad—" Akane began.

"Screw our dad, he's an asshole!" Kenma shouted. "Not like we're joined at the hip with him! He's got his own life, and we have ours!"

"Besides, if ya love him so damn much, why don't ya marry him?" Ranma added.

"Okay, now you're just being stupid!" Akane spat.

"Well, you would know, bein' the world's leadin' expert on stupid!" retorted Ranma.

Suddenly, the sound of the 3 wooden carts could be heard getting closer.

"Kenma!" Shampoo called out.

"Ranma-Honey!" Ukyo cried.

"Ranma, Kenma! My darlings!" Kodachi bellowed.

Kenma groaned, rubbing his head. "Days like this, drinking sounds especially pleasant…" he muttered.

Within seconds, the 3 girls all arrived on the scene.

"Kenma, take me with you! Grandmother said it was ok." the chinese amazon pleaded.

"Me too, Ranma. You know I can run my shop from almost anywhere." the chef implored.

"And no matter how strict your dear mama may be, nothing will keep us apart as long as we have love on our side." the gymnast beseeched.

Kenma gritted his teeth. "...would you all kindly SHUT UP?!" he shouted. "Bad enough Ranma and I have one girl screaming her head off at us, it's not like we need THREE MORE! And you, little miss Black Rose, with the cackling-cackling-cackling, SHUT UP ALREADY! I got a headache THIS BIG and I don't need you building it up! Why can't anybody ever just ask us what we want instead of just deciding that their way is the right one, huh? NO WONDER I WANT TO DIE SOMETIMES! WHAT'S THE POINT OF LIVING IF YOU DON'T HAVE EVEN THE SLIGHTEST AMOUNT OF CONTROL IN YOUR LIFE?! ALWAYS BEING TUGGED TO AND FRO, TOSSED ABOUT BY THE WHIMS OF A THOUSAND OTHER PEOPLE, NEVER ONCE GETTING TO MAKE DECISIONS FOR YOURSELF! WELL, HEAR THIS NOW: KENMA AND RANMA SAOTOME ARE THROUGH BEING FATE'S PUPPETS! THE STRINGS HAVE BEEN CUT, AND WE'RE MAKING OUR OWN CHOICES!"

He brought his hands back to his sides, panting exhaustedly and sweating furiously. By now, his face was completely red.

All 4 girls were at a complete loss for words.

"Ooo-kay! I can tell you're not in a decisive mood…" Shampoo said, very cautiously. "I'll give you some time to cool off."

"...that would be the best choice here, yeah," Ranma informed her.

As the girls each backed off, Ranma spotted Genma at the edge of the schoolyard, leaning on the front gate.

"Hiya, Pop," Ranma spat, his tone acidic.

"Ranma, it's time we had a father-to-son talk," stated Genma, his tone firm.

"Gee; no shit, Sherlock!" Ranma remarked. "How come it took you THIS long to piece that together?"

As Akane was going to leave, she hid behind a nearby tree and eavesdropped.

"Tell me, boys; have you any memory of the woman at all?" inquired Genma.

Kenma scoffed. "She's nothin' to us," he retorted. "So leave us outta your problems."

Genma turned his back. "Son, you couldn't be more wrong; she needs you two most of all, as it turns out!"

Ranma raised a brow. "Are you—?" he began.

"Oh, heck. I'm just an added attraction!" Genma laughed. "Helping her get you two is all I'm good for!"

" 'Added attraction'?" Kenma and Ranma murmured.

"Son, I meant to keep you two out of it; I was going to turn her down," Genma continued, glancing downward. "But then she started crying, and those tears broke my heart!"

Kenma raised a brow in surprise, which was doubled when Genma whirled around and grabbed both boys.

"Promise you'll meet her! Just listen to what she's gotta say!" the bespectacled man begged. "Then if you don't like it…"

Ranma and Kenma looked at each other, apprehensive.

"You mean you'll DO it?!" exclaimed Genma. "I don't know what to say! I have such wonderful sons!"

"Just stop the cryin', huh?" asked Kenma. "Any longer, and we're gonna hafta call in the Kleenex squad!"

EVENTUALLY...

Ranma and Kenma were brought to a large circus tent and led inside.

"A circus?" Ranma asked confusedly. "This is where she works?"

"Yup," nodded Genma.

Suddenly, Ranma and Kenma overheard Sakura's voice calling. "Yoo-hoo! Over here, boys!" she exclaimed, prompting Ranma and Kenma to approach her.

She was now dressed like the comic-book character Zatanna. "So, does this mean you've decided to come with me?" asked Sakura.

Ranma and Kenma looked down.

"Well…we're not really sure how to feel, y'know?" asked Ranma. "I'm grateful, but it's not easy having a mom after all these years—"

"What are you talking about?" asked Sakura, much to the boys' shock. "You make about as much sense as your father…speaking of which, there he is!"

As she pointed, Ranma and Kenma turned in that direction and saw Genma, in panda-form, trying and failing to balance atop a ball while an animal trainer screamed and waved bamboo at him.

"You gotta lotta nerve slackin' off!" snapped the trainer. "Just for that, no bamboo fer you!"

Hey…that's the same bamboo you found yesterday! Kenma thought.

"Come to think of it, it is." Ranma replied.

"Ranma, Kenma, think about it," advised Sakura. "You two have remarkable talents. Have you ever once considered making a profit from what you can do? People would pay through the nose to see a shape-changing girl, monkey, or panda!...girls and monkeys being preferred, of course."

Genma tried to stay atop the ball, but he stumbled and fell off, landing on his ass.

"IS THAT WHATCHA CALL 'PERFORMING ART'?!" screamed the animal trainer. "DO IT AGAIN!"

Genma held up a sign saying, I'm doing the best I can! Can't you go a little easier on me?

"Don'chu gimme that!" the trainer spat. "I, sir, am an artiste!"

If nature had wanted pandas to balance on balls—

But this sign was quickly cut off by two very angry Saotome sons.

"OKAY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!" Ranma yelled.

"Yeah! We want answers NOW!" Kenma chimed in.

The fat panda handed the boys a few of his signs, and they each took turns reading them in succession.

"The circus wanted you two because you can turn into a girl, and because everyone likes monkeys," read Ranma.

"But knowing you were also needed to carry on the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts—good GRIEF, I am sick of hearing that name!—I tried to take your places. But unless they can balance on balls, they don't give a hoot and a half about transforming pandas," Kenma continued.

Genma braced himself, waiting for his sons' unfathomable rage…but while it came from Ranma, it didn't come from Kenma.

The redheaded boy just sighed as he turned to leave. "So much for havin' faith," he groused. "Look where that got us—roped into another dumb scheme..."

At this point, Ranma's rage had reached its boiling point. "That's it! Come here!" he said as he lunged at his father.

Genma quickly moved out of the way and hopped onto his ball and started rolling towards the ponytailed boy, trampling over him.

As they rolled into the other side of the tightrope, it startled the tightrope-walker, making him drop his buckets over the sides, and they splashed all over Ranma, turning him into Ranko.

"DAMMIT! YOU TRICKED ME!" the redheaded girl spat.

"Ta-da!" exclaimed Sakura. "There he is, the boy-who-becomes-a-girl, just-add-water! Name your price, you'll be swimming in bamboo leaves!"

You gotta admit, it's a pretty sweet deal, read one of Genma's signs.

"I don't care how good it is, you used my tender feelings as the butt of one of your stupid jokes!" snapped Ranko. "Besides, this'll probably mess Ken up even further—"

She suddenly let out a yelp due to one Happosai suddenly clinging to her ass. "Ah, he'll get over it!" the old troll replied as he made himself comfortable. "Besides, did someone say 'butt'?"

"YOU!" hissed Ranko as she swatted at Happosai. "This is all YOUR fault! I knew that idiotic 'forbidden love' story was a bunch of bull! This is the last time I'll ever listen to you, you neolithic nitwit!"

"And don't think for a second that I forgot about you, Pop!" the redhead exclaimed as she turned her attention to Genma, who immediately broke into a run as the old man jumped onto his back.

Ranko chased after the fat panda. "Yeah, you BETTER run!" she shouted. "Balancing on balls is gonna seem like heaven on Earth when I'm through with you!"

From the far end of the tent, Kenma watched briefly, then shook his head as he withdrew it from the curtains.

"...the worst part is, a tiny bit of me wanted to believe this might be for real," he commented.

Sad truth of things is, sometimes you don't always come out on top.

And on Kenma's downcast expression, we...IRIS-OUT.