Chapter Ten: Wake Up Call
Heero laid awake in bed waiting for his alarm clock to sound, unsure of what to do next. He was certain his love for Duo had not wavered over the years but time had changed him. In Duo's absence he built a life for himself. After so many false starts he finally grew up, and his world expanded from the narrow path of a solider into something more. Working with Preventers gave him direction and purpose, but instead of solely focusing on work he now valued his free time. Heero learned how to find his own happiness. Could his new life make room for Duo when it would require so much time and effort to reconnect?
Perhaps more importantly, would Duo recognize him and want him as he was now?
There was no denying that his initial reaction of desperation to see the American was visceral. And he still felt a need for something that only Duo could give him. He just no longer knew if it was a second chance or closure.
Losing his balance for the last few weeks was wearing on him. He'd stopped being himself and devolved into whatever pathetic mess called Quatre only to be encouraged to move on with his life and stop being a whiny, sulking disaster. The reaction from his friend was deserved. He was Heero Yuy. Pilot of Wing Zero. Savior of the world. It was time he acted like it again.
Determined to leave his depression and lethargy behind him, he quickly formed a plan and launched himself out of bed. After a fast shower he found himself standing in front of his mirror, towel around his waist, toothbrush in mouth, and phone on the counter next to the sink. The device was dialing a well known number. A surprised voice answered after three rings.
"Heero?"
"Good morning Relena." He spat into the sink. "It's been a while. Would you like to catch up this weekend?"
She laughed brightly as he turned on the sink to wet his toothbrush and scrubbed his teeth one more time. Though they weren't on a video call there was no way for her to miss what he was doing, and her laughter was welcome. He didn't realize how much he'd missed her laugh. After Duo resurfaced he spiraled into a self-absorbed breakdown and began avoiding her. They'd hardly spoken in three months.
"You're brushing your teeth while talking to me?"
He spoke with the toothbrush still in his mouth. It muffled his voice as he replied "Yes."
"And you're calling very early in the morning. Some people would say this is too early to be polite."
He spat. "But you're awake."
Her voice had a sing-song quality as she responded, "I guess so. After all I am a morning person. You need to be when your schedule is as full as mine."
He looked at himself in the mirror and smiled, wondering why he thought distancing himself from her was a good idea. Whatever bad blood there was between Relena and Duo surely had to be water under the bridge by now. They were all firmly adults. He could manage both of them in his life, given the opportunity. Before taking a swig of mouthwash he asked with a teasing quality "Don't you always make time for me even with your full schedule?"
She paused for a second.
"Heero Yuy. You sound… happy."
He spat again. "I realized I've been a total ass and I need to take charge of my life again. So are you free?"
"Are we going where I think we're going?"
Heero chuckled at that. "Yes. So dress accordingly."
"And you're not taking him?"
To anyone who didn't know Relena well her question would sound innocent. Heero knew better but ignored the unspoken message. "I'm asking you, aren't I?"
She brightened again. "Pick me up at seven? It'll be so nice to see you. I hear we have a lot to catch up on."
"I'll see you then. Goodbye, Relena."
"Goodbye, Heero."
As the call disconnected he examined his face and decided he didn't need a shave. What the man looking back at him through the mirror needed, with disheveled wet hair and faint circles under his eyes, was a break. If he could take down the last of Peacemillion as a teenager he could take back control of his life at nearly 30 and live as he wanted without being dragged down by outside forces.
A notification popped up on his phone screen and he turned off his morning alarm ten minutes before it was set to wake him.
Heero Yuy was done sulking.
When he arrived to work the odd looks spared his way by agents who normally didn't speak with him were resolutely ignored. Trowa, who got to the office early for a mission briefing, immediately inquired over his state of mind. Heero assured his friend that he was better than he'd been in months. For his comment he was given a skeptical look.
He had a good day. He focused well on his work and efficiently completed his assignments. It didn't matter that his partner shot him curious glances throughout the afternoon. And it didn't matter that each time Trowa began to ask him about his change in attitude his friend would stop and reconsider before a single word slipped out. What mattered was shaking off the dismal mood that slowly consumed him for weeks. So when Trowa asked at the end of the day if he wanted to grab a bite somewhere, Heero ignored the surprise on his partner's face when he replied "Sorry, I have plans."
It wasn't completely unusual for him to have plans. He did have a rich life before Duo showed up. He just didn't have much of a life after.
He stopped home for a few moments before heading out again, this time with a large, long bag that he gently laid into the trunk of his car and secured in place before pulling out of his building's garage. Normally Heero only drove to and from the office, and that was only because his vehicle was Preventers issue. The Preventers Handbook stated in article 78, sub-chapter 12, that all issued vehicles must be readily accessible to their designated agents. He and Trowa took it for field assignments and used it for transportation of suspects and witnesses.
Though he chose his home for its convenience to public transportation, his work issued vehicle had a few perks. One of those perks was large trunk space. It was uncommon for him to use it off the clock, but this was his big exception. He'd made this drive so many times across a span of over two years that his hands auto-navigated while his mind wandered and he lost track of time and distance. Before he knew it he was at his destination. The city opened up to a residential zone filled with rows of small stand alone houses each surrounded by just enough land for someone creative to turn into a sanctuary despite the compact size.
Before Duo reappeared he came here regularly. In the weeks of turmoil that followed Duo's resurface he'd forgotten how much he loved this place. The Japanese maple out front already lost its leaves but he could hear the faint sound of running water from the koi pond out back. It was a little late to winterize the garden and Heero realized, with a twang of regret, that it was his fault those chores were left undone. He'd taken that task for himself last two years.
Walking up to the door he rang the bell and took a step back, gently setting the long case down and holding it upright with one hand. Three months was the longest he'd spent away from here and he felt anticipation building inside of him as he waited for the familiar and warm smile that never failed to greet him. When the door opened he was not disappointed.
"Heero!" The woman in the doorway took his free hand in hers as her eyes teared up. "How I've missed you. Come inside!"
Skillfully he navigated the carrying case into the house, positioning his body to protect the large item in his hands from the door closing and knocking into it. He took off his shoes and followed her into an open living room. Though the exterior of her home was modern the interior was largely filled with traditional Japanese details, including tatami floor mats throughout. Along the back wall hung several musical instruments: three shamisen, one very traditional in design and two with stunning abstracts of cherry blossoms and painted calligraphy; a plain but well used five string biwa; and two small shinobu bracketed above three shakuhachi. On the floor were two large stringed instruments. A child was kneeling behind one. She smiled brightly and her cheeks colored when Heero entered the room, but said nothing.
The woman lightly touched his shoulder and gestured to the open floor. "You can set up anywhere you like. How about some tea? It's been so long I thought you'd forgotten us."
Heero smiled. "I would never forget you, Keiko. Something came up and I didn't balance my schedule well." He placed his bag on the floor and began to unzip the case and pull out his instrument.
"We were worried about you. But we're so glad you're back. Even Akira, though she won't say it." The young girl fully blushed and looked away. "Have you been practicing?"
Ducking his head so his hair obscured his face Heero replied "No, I'm sorry. I've not even opened this bag since our last lesson." He ran his hands gingerly along the wood grain before him, carefully removing his koto from the soft case. It looked very similar to the instrument the girl knelt before. "It'll definitely need a tuning adjustment." His words were spoken in a low voice but Keiko heard him all the same.
"Why don't you finish setting up and I'll grab you that cup of tea. Then we can review Kumamoto Prefecture's Lullaby. You were playing that so well last time."
As he keeled before his instrument he took in a deep breath. Here, with Keiko and her granddaughter Akira, he felt the peace he worked so hard to achieve. Here he felt like his sacrifices meant something.
Heero retrieved finger picks tucked in a pouch on the exterior of his carrying case before folding it and placing it aside. In short order he was plucking at strings, listening to the instrument telling him what was in or out of tune. It seemed only two strings had slipped into a wayward sound, but he pulled out a small electric device all the same. He was never very good at tuning his instrument without the assistance of a tuner. Double checking his ears he found three more strings were leaning a mix of flat and sharp. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to precisely tune the koto without an aid, but he made short work of it nonetheless. With bridges in place and music in front of him, he waited for his teacher.
He hoped his lullaby would live up to her standards. When he last played it, just two days before The Mission Gone Horribly Wrong brought Duo back into his life, he was proud of the sound he produced. If he was lucky he could play it similarly now. He didn't like to lose progress. Once Heero obtained any measure of a skill he needed to maintain or improve upon it. Usually he memorized a piece of music as he learned it, but a three month gap meant he'd need to reference sheet music in places where muscle memory may fail him. There were some things, like his drive for perfection, that even the relative peace of life without war couldn't change in him.
Sometimes he wondered if that was from the conditioning of his training or if it was a trait he'd have anyway, if he'd been granted a normal upbringing.
After his lesson Heero could feel the energy inside of him thrumming away his entire drive home. It was a warm sensation in his chest that vibrated through his limbs. It was happiness, which he hadn't felt a lot of lately. He finally felt profoundly like himself and it was exciting to be back. He hummed the melody of the tune 'Saika' all the way to his door, mentally running through each stroke and pick of the first several measures. Keiko was pleased with his lullaby and wanted him to learn something new while still playing through all the songs he learned before. She taught him the beginning of Saika before the end of tonight's lesson.
He gestured hand movements in the air while waiting in his kitchen for last night's leftovers to heat up. He was smiling when he sat at his dining table to eat, cuing up the song on his phone to cement the tune into his memory. During the wars he never could've imagined himself with hobbies. When Duo left he was utterly lost. Eventually he threw himself into distractions, and after almost two years of trying something new every month only to discover just how many things he wasn't good at or didn't enjoy, he found the koto.
When he implied a dissatisfaction with how quiet his life became without Duo around to make noise, Quatre and Trowa suggested pursuing a musical hobby. But, after a disastrous foray into the trumpet, it was Wufei who suggested going to his roots and trying koto. Now Heero couldn't imagine a future without the instrument. It filled the relentless silence in his life.
It felt good to experience happiness again.
It felt good to have something to focus on just for his own pleasure.
It felt good to once again have a smile on his face.
It felt good until the unyielding urge to tell someone about his day so he could share his happy mood consumed him.
That was when it sank in that he was alone.
He willed away the voice in his head that betrayed him by very plainly stating just who he wanted to share his joy with. He couldn't fall back into despair. He didn't want to fall back into the same holding pattern that allowed him to remain miserable for such a long time. But there was no denying the voice would be back.
Heero Yuy was not done sulking.
Maybe he wasn't quite where he wanted to be. Maybe he couldn't wake up and will away the disappointment he had in how his life turned out. But going through the motions would get him closer to his goal. He really did find happiness in being productive at work. And no one could deny the deep enjoyment he felt when dedicating himself to learning his ancestral instrument. Those two things could be enough. For now. At times he might need to push himself to focus on cases and force himself to attend his lessons, but the results were a richer life. And instead of the emptiness that consumed him in recent weeks he felt accomplishment.
If feeling good came with a chaser of a little emptiness he could handle it. A bit of loneliness at the end of the day was much easier to live with than sorrow that did not quit.
This was how he would get his life back. It wasn't going to be as simple as forcing himself into the motions of his life before, but it was a small step towards reclaiming what made him feel like himself. Heero needed to reclaim himself.
Because no one, not even Duo, was worth losing who he'd worked so hard to become.