Disclaimer: I only own the plot and my OCs. Anything you recognize as not mine belongs to Marvel Studios, Disney, and/or their otherwise respective owners.

Author's Notes: 'Sup, y'all. Like with heavy, dirty soul, I'm giving today's chapter a CW. I think this'll be the only chapter there is in this story with one, but I just want to be safe here. Hope you guys don't mind, and that you enjoy.

Chapter title comes from Rose-Colored Boy by Paramore.

Until next week,

~TGWSI/Selene Borealis

CW: Implied/referenced child sexual abuse, panic attacks

~the heavy souls 'verse~

~life in technicolor ii~

~chapter 5: half empty girl~

Penny knew the second she woke up that today wasn't going to be a good day.

She woke up to the sensation of every single nerve in her body being, for lack of a better word, active. The feeling wasn't a new one to her; even before the spider bite, she'd had days like this, because of Skip. Days when she'd been reluctant of even letting her mom touch her, let alone everyone else, who she'd always avoided like the plague anyways. Days when she'd practically felt Skip's hand pulling at her curls and touching her down there, or his breath at her neck, or the way he'd said to her, "You want to be a good girl, don't you?"

They hadn't been as common back then. After the spider bite, the days had increased due to her enhanced senses – and, as Anne had pointed out, the stress. That was why they had increased again after her mom had died. She didn't have as many of them now, but she still had them, about once every month or so. The days where her other senses were fine, so it wasn't a sensory overload, but even the fabric of her blanket was too much too much too much!

And today was one of those days.

Groaning lowly, she pushed her covers off of herself and turned off her alarm, the sound grating on her nerves. She didn't move for a good few minutes after that, just remaining how she was laying on her bed on her back with her eyes closed, trying to ignore the inevitable. She didn't want to get up, not on this kind of day. She wanted to be able to stand the touch of something as simple as her comforter, so she could use it for the purpose it was named for, and not have to think about Skip because she hadn't had a dream at all about him for an entire two weeks for once and she didn't want to be reminded of him now. Or, in lieu of that, she wanted to fall back asleep and not have to do her schoolwork, so she could just rest all day and wait for Harley to arrive since it was a Friday...presuming she could stand the touch of him, that is. If she couldn't...

God, none of this was fair.

Why did her life have to be like this?

But then, her few (read: fifteen) minutes were up, and FRIDAY said softly from the ceiling, "I have sensed that you are awake but you have not gotten out of bed yet. Are you alright, Penny?"

Penny groaned again. "No."

"Would you like me to get you Boss?"

That was something she didn't want, either. Just the thought almost sent her into the panic attack that she knew was going to come at some point today, with the way she was feeling. Her breath hitched.

"Penny – "

"I'm fine," she muttered, deciding to get out of bed, if only so she wouldn't have to look at the way her dad's face would go sad when he realized she was having one of her no-touch days. He was so good about everything with her, but she knew her pain became his pain, and she didn't want that. Her intestines were already tying themselves into knots. If she'd still had the ability to eat food, she had no doubt she would've winded up throwing up the breakfast she would've eaten this morning. As it was, even with the blood substitute... "Please don't tell Dad anything yet, FRI. I need...I need some time alone."

"Of course, Penny."

She went into her bathroom and used her toilet, before washing her hands and starting to brush her teeth. Brushing her teeth ever since the bite had always been a complicated thing for her: there was a fine balance in between trying to keep her teeth clean and preventing herself from triggering her gag reflex or having to puke later because she'd accidentally consumed water and/or toothpaste and her stomach no longer tolerated either. And naturally, because of her nerves this morning, she discredited the pain she experienced in her mouth until she spit out her toothpaste and saw that her wine-colored blood was intermixed with it. She grimaced. Great.

Her next ten minutes were spent washing out her mouth over and over again until whatever irritation she'd caused healed up, because she couldn't ingest her own blood without getting sick, either. Once she'd fished a finger around in her mouth and confirmed everything had healed, she looked over at her shower with the same resignation that a prisoner would the gallows.

She didn't really have a choice. Taking off her clothes, she turned on the shower. Thankfully, while her cameras were disabled in Penny's bathroom, FRIDAY seemed to sense what was going on. She quickly changed the pressure of the water and the spray into something even gentler than usual. Even so, Penny had to grit her teeth the entire time she took her shower. The drops of water felt like knives against her skin, their own kind of torture. She shuddered when the water trailed down her back in such a way it reminded her of Skip, and had to clamp a hand to her mouth to stop herself from sobbing. It was the only way she could keep her sanity.

Penny started her schooling half an hour later than she usually did that morning. She sat on her bed rather than at her desk or in the living room of the penthouse, her thermos on the nightstand next to her because she didn't have the bravery to eat her breakfast in the kitchen. Her dad knocked at her door just as soon as she'd settled, making her flinch. Actuallyflinch.

"Penny?" he said, his tone soft and his voice low, barely a whisper. "Everything okay?"

She forced her vocal cords to work, since they were so unwilling without a practically physical input. "...Yeah," she croaked out. "Just...one of those days, Dad."

Her dad understood what she was referring to immediately. "Do you want to be left alone for a while?"

"Yeah."

"Okay," he said. "I love you, honey. I'm here for you if you want to talk."

She couldn't say anything to this, but that was alright. Her dad retreated from her door before she would've been able to, anyways.

When he was gone, she closed her eyes and stifled another sob.

Sometimes, she really did hate being Penny Parker.

True to her suspicions, the rest of her day wasn't much better.

In spite of starting her schoolwork late, she didn't have any formal classes through her online school, and as such she was able to finish early today since she didn't have that many assignments due. She tried to busy herself after that, like reading her book of the week so she could start her report for it early, but it was of no use. She was full of a nervous energy, one which wouldn't easily be rectified without physical activity. But she didn't want to get lost in exercise before her meeting with Anne, so she was forced to do nothing.

She was lost in her own thoughts, and that was a terrifying place to be in.

Anne noticed her difficulties as soon as she walked in the door. "Bad day?" she asked, straightening her posture some.

Penny forced herself to nod. "Yeah."

"May I ask why?"

She rolled her shoulders, even as she began to explain. "My nerves are acting up," she said, sitting down on her usual end of the couch. She fidgeted, unable to keep still. It was like (almost) everything inside her was going haywire today. "I don't know why. I didn't have any dreams about Skip last night, and everything's been going fine, so why – ?"

Any other therapist probably would've just allowed her to vent it out, but Anne knew her. The longer she rambled, frequently it was the more panicked she became. "Well, let's talk about it," she soothed. "You've been under a lot of stress lately, haven't you? With the Rogue Avengers moving back to the Tower."

Unlike three Fridays ago, Penny decided that it was fine to talk about this subject. "...Yes," she admitted.

"They're people who you have never really met before, and now they are living with you. You're having interactions with them on almost a daily basis. That's a lot of change."

"I know," Penny said. She frowned. "But – "

Unfortunately, Anne wasn't that much help to her today. They talked about what the Rogues were like, and again how she wanted to be friends with Pietro and Wanda, and a little bit about how maybe – possibly – improbably – Steve reminded her of Skip because of his blonde hair and blue eyes, and potentially that was the reason why she was freaking out today, even though she hadn't seen him since the day he and the rest of the Avengers had come back from Vienna. But she then proceeded to have her panic attack of the day, so the full conversation had to be shelved for another time – not that she wanted to have it. So too did any other conversation, because after she'd helped calm her down, Anne had decided perhaps it would be better for them to be done for the day.

And although it wasn't allowed in spirit, she did go to the gym after that. Putting her earbuds in and starting her playlist of music she developed – which included twenty one pilots, yes, but also Paramore, Lana Del Rey, Bastille, and other such artists, like the music she'd listened to Before – she went to the punching bag and tested it out, making sure she could use it, before she went and wrapped up her hands. Then she started to hit the bag, punch after punch, even though she didn't use her full strength. She never used her full strength; she didn't even know what that would look like.

"With great power comes great responsibility."

When she wound up hitting the punching bag too hard, making the sand inside spill out onto the floor, she sighed and went about cleaning it up. By the time she was finished, it was just past four-thirty, so she figured it was time for her to go upstairs.

There was already another person in the elevator as the doors opened: it was Steve Rogers. He startled at the appearance of her, and she, him. Her eyes widened as one of her earbuds fell out of her ear. She felt every single muscle in her body tense, all at once. Her mind instantly spiraled to Skip Westcott, because no, Steve did not like him, but what did it matter, anyways? The brain was not something that was rational; its connections did not always make sense.

"Penny," Steve breathed. He smiled. "Finished up in the gym?"

For the third time that day, she was too panicked to speak.

Except this time, she couldn't get herself to say anything.

Steve became concerned at this. He stepped out of the elevator as his smile faltered, and then his hands jerked. She knew that didn't mean he was going to touch her, she knew it in her heart of hearts, but –

"Don't touch me!" she shrieked.

As soon as Penny realized what she had done, she was horrified. Steve's expression became utterly broken at her words. He jerked back, and she wanted to apologize to him, she really did.

But all she did was run past him, into the elevator. The doors closed behind her, and her skin felt like it was on fire. Her chest heaving, she breathed unsteadily. Stupid, stupid, stupid, she thought.

"Penny," FRIDAY began. "My sensors have detected you may be having a – "

"Don't!" she cried. Sniffling, she wiped at her cheeks, which had quickly become wet. She inhaled shakily. "Don't say it, FRIDAY. Please."

I've already had one panic attack today.

I am not going to have another one.

The AI tried a second tactic. "Would you like me to take you upstairs to the penthouse? The Bionic Boy and Boss are already there."

Her throat tightened at the mere thought of seeing her dad. "Yes, please," she said anyways. "Can you tell – can you tell – "

"Do you want me to instruct the Bionic Boy to wait in your room?"

Slowly, she nodded.

"And for Boss not to disturb you?"

Another nod. As much as she hated to do it.

"Done," FRIDAY said a moment later.

She sniffed again. "Thank you, FRI."

"It is not a problem."

The "for me or your father" part went unsaid.

The main part of the penthouse was deserted when she got there, allowing her to get to her bedroom without being seen by anyone. Harley was there, waiting for her on her bed. His eyes were sad, but his posture was open, showing how it was up to her to decide what he would do in terms of touch. "Hey, darlin'," he said. "Bad day?"

With a sob, she ran into his arms. His touch was like knives, but it was a bearable sort of pain. He made sure not to touch her hair as he hugged her, knowing that it was something was definitely off-limits today.

Truthfully, this was something that Penny hated about herself – or not herself, as she knew Anne would say, but her reactions to her trauma. But really, wasn't that the same thing?

She hated how she felt like she had to be reliant on Harley these bad days, if he was around. It wasn't fair to him, even though she knew that he came to her quite enough to feel better, too. But the difference was, he did it because he wanted her comfort, whereas she felt like she needed his. She was like a pot of water, boiling over, and there just weren't enough things in the world to keep her emotions from making her doing it again.

This was one of the markers of complex post-traumatic stress disorder, she knew. Anne had told her as much.

But still, she hated it.

She hated herself.

As if sensing her thoughts taking an even darker turn than they already had been today, Harley tensed beneath her. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked quietly.

Hiccoughing, she shook her head.

It was already bad enough she needed him, she didn't want to trauma dump on him on top of that...even though he'd already heard everything by now, several times over.

He didn't try to push her on this. "Okay," he said.

And that was that.

Penny cried until there were no more tears, and then for several more minutes after that. Finally, after experiencing her nerves being on end for the entire day, her one panic attack (actually two, but she wasn't going to admit that to herself), and her other emotional complexities, she fell asleep. She didn't even have time to feel bad about not going out as Spider-Woman tonight before the hands of unconsciousness pulled her down. It wasn't like her dad probably would've let her go out, regardless. When she'd been on her own, she would've gone out, if only as Lolita instead of Spider-Woman, so she could take out her anger on the people who deserved it rather than the ones who committed petty crimes.

But her dad knew this actually wasn't good for her mental health, and unlike her, he was willing to do something about it. He would probably make KAREN lock down her suit, like he had before, and then she'd have to wait on some building's rooftop if she even got that far for Natasha and Matt to pick her up. It had happened on two separate occasions already, and her dad had warned her it would happen again if it was necessary. "I know where you're coming from, honey," he'd said. "But violence isn't always the answer, and you know that."

And she did.

When she woke up, her mind was groggy, in that way it was after an emotional breakdown and you knew you'd only had a nap, not a full eight hours or more of sleep like what you really needed. Opening her eyes blearily, she saw from her alarm clock that it was a quarter after eight. To her surprise, Harley was asleep next to her. With his insomnia, she would've thought he would be awake and working on some project on his computer, if he would've been in the room at all.

She felt a pang of guilt. She didn't like to monopolize his time like this.

Before she could go back into her spiral properly, or just fall back asleep, there was a knock at her door. It was slight, almost unnoticeable, but it did make her tense. "Penny," her dad's voice said softly. "Are you up?"

"...Yes," she replied. But her voice was raspy from all the crying she'd been doing. It was barely a whisper.

FRIDAY, ever her savior, told her dad her answer. She could hear the voice of the AI from the hallway.

"I know you probably don't want to, but you missed dinner," her dad told her. "You need to eat."

Idly, Penny wondered if her dad was going to wake up Harley, too. But, she knew her answer just as soon as she'd thought the question: probably not. Harley was an insomniac, he needed his sleep.

And what was more, he didn't have the same problems with eating that she did. She wasn't supposed to skip a meal. Dr. Cho didn't want her falling back into old habits when she'd been so close to dying (not that she'd known it, of course) just six months before.

Begrudgingly, she got out of bed. Harley made a noise in his sleep, but he didn't wake up. He must've taken off her shoes once she'd fallen asleep, as when she stood on the carpet she realized she didn't have them on. Grateful but guilty, she stepped into her slippers before sneaking out the door, shutting it behind her.

The lights burned her eyes when she went into the hallway, until FRIDAY wordlessly turned them down to a more manageable percentage. Her dad looked as weary and tired as she felt. "Come on," he said. "I already heated up the first one for you."

"Thanks, Dad," she rasped.

They said nothing as she followed after him into the kitchen. The smell of blood was already in the air for her nose. Sitting at the bar counter, she grabbed the thermos and began to drink, despite her not wanting to eat anything at all. She had to. Her dad gave her the space she needed, but did watch her. When she was almost done with her first serving, he got out two more of the cartons for her and carefully, slowly placed them next to her on the counter. She prepared the next one herself, wiping at her mouth with the back of her hand. Her cheeks started to flush something awful.

"I'm sorry you've had a bad day, Pen," her dad spoke as the second serving began to heat up. "Is there anything I can do?"

His question brought tears to her eyes. "No."

"Are you sure?"

Her shoulders began to shake once more. "I just hate this, Dad," she wept. "I hate remembering him. I just want to – " I just want to be a normal girl, even if I am a vampire. I want to be able to do normal things without having to think of him.

"Well, think of everything that you did today," he suggested. "You had a bad day, but what else did you do? Start from the beginning, list them off."

Penny was hesitant. "I got out of bed," she began uncertainly.

Her dad nodded as encouragement. "Go on."

"I...took a shower, and got breakfast. I did schooling and ate lunch. I met with Anne. I went to the gym and punched a bag until it burst."

Tony, who had been counting off what she was saying with his fingers, held up his hands. "That's seven things you did. Eight, once you finish your dinner," he reminded her. "You've had a bad day, and you've still done seven, soon to be eight, things."

She thought that the news shouldn't have made her feel any better, because that was only seven things she had done, and yet it did. Seven things were a lot better than staying in bed all day and doing nothing, which is what she had wanted to do that morning. Her body began to lose the tension it had been having all day. "You're right," she murmured.

Her dad grinned and winked at her as her thermos finished heating up her second serving. "I usually am," he remarked. "Not always, but usually."

"That is a bold statement to make, Boss."

She nearly snorted the substitute she was drinking up her nose as Tony made a face. "Even in my own house, I'm teased relentlessly," he muttered.

"I believe Boss Lady would say that it is always necessary to 'take you down a few pegs.'"

"...Of course she would."

With much perseverance, she was able to finish off her second and third servings of substitute. "...Can we watch a movie?" she asked afterwards tentatively. It seemed like a good thing to do to help her settle down some more.

Her dad beamed. "I would like nothing more. What do you want to watch?"

They were about halfway through The Fellowship of the Ring when Harley stumbled out of the hallway, scratching at his head. He yawned as he plopped down on the couch next to her. "Lord of the Rings?" he questioned rhetorically.

"Yeah," she responded anyways. She snuggled up against him. "Thanks for...earlier."

"Not a problem." He sniffed. "FRIDAY, what's still open for takeout right now? I'm kind of hungry..."

Word Count: 3,679

Next Chapter Title: sparks