Chapter Thirteen: Friends Suck, Too
The sound of clicking heels approaching through an open door to his right told Duo that Sally was the first to find him. He wasn't trying to hide, and hadn't gone far. He simply thought that escaping to an outdoor terrace would buy him some privacy. Unfortunately the others weren't wasting time tracking him down.
"It's freezing out here!" Sally purposefully kept her voice light and airy, unsure of how Duo might react to direct concern. The air bit at her skin, causing instant goosebumps. She idly thought the American was on to something by wearing a hoodie to tonight's semi-formal event. Bringing her arms up around herself to keep warm as long as possible, she took in the sight of Duo. He was leaning on a railing and watching the garden and pool located on the floor below. His hood was still down around his shoulders, his braid tucked away. She could see his breath come in small puffs of clouds drifting and disappearing into the sharp air.
Duo couldn't help a crooked smile. He had to give Sally some credit for her efforts to keep a friendly tone. Her disposition was all the more reason to like her. She'd always been a lovely mix of kindness with a strong touch of tough love. He leaned forward, tightening his grip on the ice cold railing before pushing himself backwards and turning to face her. "Then go back inside, Sal."
Her features softened a little. "Duo, would you like—"
"There you are!" Wufei lead the second wave of people through the terrace doors. Sally's backup had arrived and Duo couldn't help but wish she'd taken this mission solo.
As Wufei quickly realized how cold it was and removed his blazer, placing it around Sally's shoulders, Quatre looked to Duo and exclaimed "What in the name of the colonies are you doing out here?"
Duo let out a groan. "Can't you just leave me alone?"
"No! We left you alone for years. We're done leaving you alone!" Quatre was fed up. "It's your fault we're all disjointed when we should be close friends! You ruin everything!"
Sally cringed and Wufei could see she wanted to move in and defend Duo. He gently grabbed her arm and she turned to him, confused. He subtly shook his head. Whatever was about to go down was long overdue. Pilots 02 and 04 needed to clear the air. Sally appeared reluctant to stay out of this, and once he knew she trusted his judgment he spared a glance to Trowa. The taller man instinctively turned to him and nodded. All three were anxiously on the same page.
Duo paid no mind to their internal agreement and scoffed at Quatre. "How come I ended up the bad guy here?"
"Because you're the only one causing problems!" The blonde's face was red with anger. "Stop acting like a child, Duo! I'm so sick of you playing this game. Heero likes you. It's obvious. He's been so clearly in love with you since the wars ended! Just go back to the party and tell him you love him or stop torturing us all with this ridiculous, cowardly behavior!"
Eyes narrowing, Duo barked out "Is that what you've thought of me? That all this time I was just a lovesick coward who never confessed my feelings or made a pass at him?" He saw the others exchange silent looks between themselves again and Duo let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. His eyes darted away, staring off into a spot in the garden below that was obscured by the night. He was angry and hurt but spoke softly and carefully. "Your silence answers for you, but I guess it doesn't really matter anymore if I keep this secret."
Sally broke the silent pact she entered and gently asked "What secret?" while Quatre rolled his eyes and crossed his arms in front of his chest, clearly exasperated and mumbling something about drama queens.
Duo sharply turned to Quatre, simmering with rage. He asked him through gritted teeth "What did you just say, Winner?"
Quatre's voice was clear as he replied "I said you're a drama queen and a coward." His arms uncrossed as he gestured with them "He's asked you out at least twice already and you've ignored him. You have no right to throw a fit over the guy going to a party and socializing with someone else because you're too scared to go on a date with him!"
By the end of his outburst Quatre was outright yelling. In reaction to the display of unrestrained aggression, Duo became quiet and measured. "You know me as well as you ever did, Winner." The blonde threw his hands up in frustration and Wufei wondered what he was missing. There was history here he'd need to learn later.
Duo continued in the same resigned voice "I'm not a coward. Not like that. I made my intentions clear during the first war, which was pretty fuckin scary since there was a decent chance Heero woulda killed me for even mentioning having a crush, let alone on him. Probably one of the scariest things I ever did, but I take it after all this time none of ya know we got together before the end of Meteor." It wasn't a question.
The sudden and unnatural stillness on the terrace didn't escape him as he continued. "It wasn't anything serious then. Stayed convenient and casual whenever we happened across each other. When we joined Preventers it was still casual but our third year at the job things changed. That's when it became a committed relationship." Duo's emphasis on the last two words were aimed at Quatre. He felt a small satisfaction watching the blonde man's eyes widen. He stared unblinking at him, enjoying how Quatre squirmed.
He could feel somehow the warmth of Sally's care and love. An unmistakable vibration in his bones alerted him to Trowa's slight shift. And Wufei's small intake of breath as he made to speak was for reasons unknown loud and cutting in his ears.
Duo didn't give him the time to get a single word out.
"It was good for another two years and then it slowly ended because I wanted more." This was the hard part, and he consciously kept control of his breathing so it wouldn't quicken and he wouldn't cave to raw emotion. This wasn't something he'd spoken of aloud before, though not from a lack of trying. "I'm not..." another pause as he turned to look away from the others and back out at the dark spot in garden where hotel lights didn't reach. "I'm not really so much a romantic PDA person, yanno?"
He tilted his head but kept his eyes focused on that distant spot. "It's not that I'm against PDA but I'm pretty shy about it when it comes to romance. So for a long while I didn't care about keeping things quiet. I didn't care how none of you knew. But eventually… I thought I wasn't asking much when I said I wanted to be open about things. To tell you, our…" He stumbled a bit to avoid calling them friends. "Well, our social circle. I wanted to have the freedom to lock arms while walking or give him a quick kiss in public." He chuckled darkly as he reflected. "I really liked the way he looked at me when he tucked my hair behind my ear or pulled me near on the sofa to rest my head on his shoulder. I just wanted…"
The image of Relena publicly resting her head on Heero's shoulder came to mind and he paused. He was thankful no one dared to interrupt.
"I finally wanted to experience that even if someone might see. Things I'm not too shy for. But… he didn't. He made it very clear that he didn't want anyone at all to know we were together. That fuckin hurt. Enough to make me withdraw from him. It suddenly felt like I was forcing our relationship to be something it wasn't and I didn't wanna be that person. I thought if he also wanted to be with me he'd reach out. Maybe meet me halfway. Start a conversation. Something. Instead he just up and left one day." He chuckled again, but instead of the rich and dark timbre from moments before it was a sound that rang hollow. "Didn't even say goodbye. Just left me. Alone."
When Wufei got the sound of his name out in a whisper the tone was so sad Duo forged ahead to interrupt him. "It's been almost four years since then. And to finally see him again, for the first time in a casual and social setting, and like that…"
"Are you jealous of Relena?"
Duo's gaze cut straight to Quatre. "Of course not! Unless something dramatically changed the last few years I have it on good authority he isn't interested in her."
"Then why—"
"I just needed some goddamn time, Trowa!" Duo's arms swung wildly to gesture his frustration before he clenched his hands into fists and dropped them to his sides. "Seein him like that, it was a lot to take in. I guess I just thought if I could have a few minutes to think things over... just a little quiet time to consider if I pushed him too hard, or wanted too much too soon, or god forbid I take one night to come to terms with how maybe I just wasn't enough…" The last words were spat out like poison. "Then maybe, just fucking maybe I could get past these feelings that are drowning me alive! But none of you are gonna let me have that, are ya?"
Duo felt a little guilty when Sally seemed to wither a bit. She likely would've given Duo exactly what he needed if the others hadn't caught up to her. She dealt with Wufei on a daily basis, she was a balance of compassion and strength to envy. There was no doubt she could handle him perfectly if given the chance. Honestly that scared him.
When Quatre spoke up it was with less confidence than before.
"People change, Duo. Heero isn't the guy he was during the war or even right after. Can't you be happy about that? Just accept that what he needed to adjust to society and to peace wasn't you!"
Wufei looked to Quatre in shock. He always thought his friend was good at reading the room or getting in touch with the feelings of others. This side of him came like a punch to the face. There were times Duo alluded to a complete inability of Quatre to understand him, how the blonde was downright unkind to him in private, but he'd never witnessed evidence of this behavior until tonight.
Trowa reached out to touch Quatre's arm, saying something too softly to reach the other's ears, though Sally seemed to intuitively understand what was happening. Quatre recoiled from his partner, standing defensively. "No, Trowa! I will not calm down! I'm so tired of his" he pointed to Duo "complete nonsense!"
Duo raised a hand to rub his temple but no one noticed. Trowa was busy trying to reason with Quatre and Wufei was attempting to placate them and end their argument. Wearily Duo watched the three men before tilting his head back and to the side, sliding his hand from his temple to the back of his neck where he rubbed it a few times as he repressed a sigh. Sally caught his eyes then, her expression loudly stating how messed up the whole situation was. She was clearly sorry that the others found them before they could talk privately.
Duo made a show of clearing his throat but that, too, went unnoticed by the three men still absorbed in themselves. Impatient, he rolled his eyes and shouted "HEY!"
When the three other Gundam pilots looked up none were expecting such a deadened, pained look on Duo's face. His next words were almost too calm for the situation and bordered on frightening.
"I apologize. It was selfish of me to expect to be given time to privately figure out my own feelings when the existence of those feelings is clearly making you all uncomfortable." Wufei tried to say something but Duo ignored him again and spoke over him, a little louder. "I shouldn't have come here. There's no reason for me to be here and this was all a mistake. This party, openly working at Preventers, trying to go back to how things might have been… it's all probably a mistake." He rubbed above his left eye and sighed out the words "I don't know."
In that moment Duo looked worn. Circles under his eyes that were not noticeable inside at the party were evident in the low light. He appeared tired and defeated as he turned to look back out into the garden and said to no one in particular "I'll go now. Sorry I ruined your night." He smiled bitterly, a choked laugh emitting another cloud of breath into the cold night air. "Guess Winner was right. I do ruin everything. See ya."
Sally was shocked when in one smooth motion he gripped the railing of the terrace and leapt over the edge, landing with a soft thud in the garden below. She was the first to gather her wits and rushed to the railing, leaning over to search for their friend.
Duo was already gone into the night.