Note: Finally got another snow cannon barrage but it was on Saturday. Since that's a regularly scheduled update I deferred the resulting bonus snow day update for 24 hours. This chapter includes subjects that may be difficult for some readers. Take care.

Chapter Fifteen: Hilde

"Wufei sent you to do his dirty work?"

Sally laughed, her tone rich and light. "It's a little wild how he grew up into a man who relies so heavily on a woman for some things, yeah?"

A smile crept onto Duo's face. One of many reasons he liked Sally was her direct nature and it was a joy to see her relationship with the younger Chinese man didn't saddle her with rose colored glasses. "It's a positive change," he agreed, "and about time, too."

They both knew why they were meeting up for mid day drinks at a diner near Preventers HQ and it had little to do with catching up. There was no bad blood between them but Wufei made a scene at Christmas with Heero, and word somehow got around to Duo about their altercation. In light of Wufei's embarrassment, Sally made it her mission to smooth things over with all parties. It was easier to openly acknowledge her goal rather than pretend she had no motive. Sally's honesty in her invitation was, in Duo's eyes, all the reason he needed to accept. There was no subterfuge here because Sally didn't bring that into her relationships.

Her voice was upbeat as she declared "I've quite enjoyed watching him admit that he was a buffoon when we met. If he hadn't changed he'd be downright insufferable!"

It was Duo's turn to laugh. Talking with Sally always came easily. She had a way about her that drew others in. Maybe it was excellent bedside manner from work spilling over into her everyday life. Maybe it was the opposite and work benefited from her natural persona. But there was no denying she had a magnetic pull.

"If this is about that damned Sunday potluck you're planning the answer is still no."

She made a face that was all at once sympathetic and accusatory. It was then that their drinks arrived. One mug of tea and one of coffee slid onto the table without fanfare. They each took their respective drink and nodded at the server who was already heading to another table. Sally spoke as she added some cream and sugar to her mug. "It's just that ever since the holiday party Wufei can't get it out of his head that he needs to arrange for all you pilots to get together under the same roof, without the stress of some larger event or holiday." It was true, even if the idea was originally hers.

Duo drummed his hands on the table and asked with amusement "Okay! What are we negotiating here? How can I help you get your man off your case without also losing my mind?"

"Attend one potluck dinner. That's it. And Wufei will never bother me about this again."

Her answer was swift. A little too swift for Duo's liking. "So we're not meeting in the middle. You just want everything?"

Her eyes sparkled. "Yes. That's how we get Wufei to shut up. We give him what he wants."

Duo quirked an eyebrow and examined her up and down. "So that's how your relationship works. I'm a little disappointed in you, Po."

That remark made Sally absolutely beam at him. "No need to worry about me, Maxwell. We only give Wufei what he wants to shut him up when it's about you" she pointed a finger at him in emphasis and then swung it around to herself and concluded "not me."

"He really givin you a hard time?"

"Immeasurably."

Duo deflated a bit. "I'll think about it, Sally."

She recognized this as the moment of her victory. When Duo switched from a vehement no to I'll think about it he was as good as surrendering. But Duo looked tired, like he hadn't been sleeping. And she wanted him to have some kind of win with their negotiation. "You can bring someone if it makes you more comfortable. Invite a friend! I promise it's easier to attend when you've got a wingman to keep you company who is an impartial third party."

"I don't have friends."

She tried to hide her sadness but knew Duo saw through her efforts. She smiled faintly and countered "You always had friends, Duo. Maybe you didn't know it, or it didn't feel like it, but you had friends." When Duo simply scoffed she ventured "What about that girl from the war? Hilde was her name? I heard you were close even after peace was declared. You could invite her."

Sally immediately regretted her suggestion when Duo turned away and breezily replied "Can't. She won't come."

"Did you have a falling out?"

"No, Sal." Duo turned to look her in the eyes. "She died. Almost four years ago."

How he smiled and looked unaffected threw her. Duo was not cold. He cared deeply for his friends and even for strangers. But here he was, relaying the news that a close friend of his was dead as casually as he'd rattle off how to override the self destruct sequence on his Gundam. Carefully she asked "what happened?" and watched as Duo's attention drifted off somewhere.

"You really wanna know?"

She smiled and reached out across the table to lightly hold his hand. "Yes. I'd like to know, if you'll tell me."

Duo rubbed at his temple with his free hand. "You want the long or the short version, Sal?"

Her grey eyes softened and for a moment Duo wondered if this was what it would feel like if Sister Helen had lived and he had a strong and caring woman to simply be there and support him. A small voice inside reminded him that it was a little pathetic to keep searching for motherly or sisterly figures to fill a void in his life, but he didn't pay it much attention. Sally's return into his life brought a feeling of family over friendship. He definitely didn't deserve her warmth or understanding, but he was always grateful for their time together and how her friendship never came with strings or outside complication.

"I've got time and I miss talking to you, just the two of us. Let's go with the long version."

With an elongated sigh he pulled his hand back from her touch and tucked both hands into his pockets under the table. He slouched a little in the booth, shrugging as he began "I dropped by the scrapyard to see her a week after Heero left..."

He spotted Hilde first, jumping out of a magnetic grappler and directing workers at the scrapyard. She looked good and seemed at home while loudly shouting orders. The smile on her face was brilliant even from a distance. Duo dropped his duffel at his feet and cupped both hands to imitate a megaphone over his mouth. "YO, HILDE!" he shouted, leaning backwards and releasing his arms outward as he shot back upright with a grin plastered on his face.

When she turned to the sound of his voice her face lit up. "DUO!" She waved and bolted towards him while he grabbed his bag and jogged to meet her part way. At a few paces out he tossed his bag aside and she jumped into his arms, her momentum swinging them around and kicking up dust. She smelled of metal and oil and it was welcoming, vaguely like going back in time to when they'd first become friends. Her enthusiastic hug was invigorating and for a moment he forgot why he suddenly had time to make the trip to L2.

Her blue eyes were big as she asked "What are you doing here? I didn't know you were leaving Earth!" Before he could make a sound her expression turned serious and she shifted into a playful version of the persona she used to appear like a tough OZ solider, back when she interrogated him aboard a mobile suit shuttle before he infiltrated the Lunar Base. "Did something happen with Heero? You always say you'll visit and then you never do. After hooking up with that gorgeous jerk you never make time for me. Tell me why you're here."

With a greeting like that Duo didn't have the heart to bring is own problems into this trip. But he didn't need to lie. His heartbreak was only part of the reason for his visit. "Hilde, I missed you. And don't say I never have time for you, we talk on the phone three times a week! I take the shuttle out to see ya probably twice a year for no reason other than how much I enjoy time spent with you. You are literally how I spend my vacations."

She beamed. "You really missed me?"

Answering that truthfully was easy. "Yeah. I really did."

That earned him an extra squeeze, then she let go and shouted into the yard "ERIK! HEY!" She waved a hand over her head until he spotted her. "YOU'RE IN CHARGE TODAY!" She turned back to him, locking their arms together, steering them to her place while chatting non-stop.

"You never told her about Heero?"

Duo smiled weakly "No. Never got around to it."

Sally watched him closely. He seemed all at once easy going and nervous. One hand reached out from under the table and grabbed the cup of tea he ordered when they sat down. He took a long sip and avoided looking directly at her. She waited patiently, watching how he used the mug to hide from her and she wondered not for the first time just what Wufei and his friends went through that made it so hard for them to openly express themselves. The war alone would be enough, but each of them carried traumas pre-dating Operation Meteor.

He put the mug down but kept it nestled in the palm of his hand. Glancing at her from under his long bangs he continued "it was the right call. I'm glad she thought I went out there only to see her. And honestly? I did miss her company. Lots." He chuckled darkly. "Still do."

"Did it happen after you left?"

She expected him to look away again, so when he met her eyes directly she couldn't hide her surprise fast enough. "No. I was there."

Her heart broke a little. Between her medical career and her time as a soldier she was familiar with firsthand death, both of her comrades in arms and of her patients. But watching someone you love die carried an extra level of tragedy. "Oh, Duo. I'm sure there was nothing you could've done."

She watched as his lips pursed into a thin line and the bright color of his eyes clouded. But that gaze of his did not waver from her. When he spoke next his tone was darker and very measured, like he was reading from a script. "Hilde didn't cope well with the war. She had recurring nightmares and a whole lotta guilt. Didn't know what to do with herself anymore. She tried to kill herself a few times but only seriously hurt herself twice. Honestly each time, regardless of how close she came to her goal, I was on the next shuttle out even if I only had a day or two to spare. The girl never stuck to her medication or therapy. So she either jumped at the opportunity to die, or I got her killed." He paused. "I kinda prefer to think it's what she wanted at the time."

Sally had no idea what to say.

Duo watched with a smile as Hilde fried eggs for their breakfast in bacon grease. She appeared effervescent after almost a week of hanging out in the evenings and spending days working at the scrapyard together. As she laughed about the small dramas at work and how her neighbor's cat preferred to spend time at her house rather than at home, Duo smiled. Almost on cue a black and brown tabby sauntered into the kitchen from what Duo could only guess was an open window somewhere. He could've sworn there were no open points of entry for the cat and yet every morning it was the same story. The ball of fur walked between her feet with tail held high waiting for scraps of food. She took a strip of bacon from the pile she'd just cooked, broke off a piece, and tossed it to the floor.

"Don'tcha think maybe he's here for the free food?"

Hilde turned with a mock frown from the stove and stuck her tongue out at him as an answer. "SHE loves me. Just wait, she'll be here all day long if I let her. Can't keep Gabby the Tabby off my lap."

She turned back to her work and Duo listened to the crackling sound of eggs over medium and the ding of her toaster announcing their bread was ready. He couldn't help feeling wistful at this display of domestic bliss. It made his heart sink as he realized he'd never experience a morning like this with Heero again. But Hilde looked great. Better than she'd looked in years. And there was no way he wouldn't have a smile on his face when she turned to bring each of their plates to the table. Hilde deserved his undivided attention, and he deserved to forget his problems and enjoy his time with her.

Between bites he asked "So what's on the agenda today? Taking apart that mangled shuttle that got brought in yesterday? Chillin with Gabs and watching some movies?"

Hilde was cooing at the cat in her lap while she sneaked bites around the curious beast. Without looking up she countered "How about we go shopping? I know you're not big on that but the quarter is coming to a close and I wanna get some toys for the kids."

Duo knew she meant the kids at the orphanage where she volunteered some of her time. It was part of the penance she decided would ease the guilt over her small part in the war, and as such there was no doubt Duo would agree. Not that he wasn't a sucker for helping out orphans, anyway. He leaned back in his chair, balancing on the rear legs and placing his hands behind his head. "Yeah" he said softly, "I think we can manage that."

She looked up, her blue hair obscuring one eye. "You gonna pitch in, too?"

"Hil, who do you think you're talkin to? Of course I'm gonna contribute. You know I always do."

It took three buses, a lot of walking, and almost two and a half hours to get to the toy store located in the nicer part of the colony. Hilde talked most of the ride about what each kid wanted or needed and Duo enjoyed the sound of her excitement. He had at least another day or two before she started to question how long he was staying and finally notice that Heero wasn't calling him each day to check in and hear tales of their adventures.

So far this was the most pleasant trip to L2 Duo had since stowing away with the Sweepers and leaving the colony behind. He remembered sneaking through the cargo bay of Howard's ship and searching for a window to watch L2 fade from his life forever. But he couldn't find one, so he closed his eyes and imagined what it would look like to bid farewell to the only home he'd known. At twelve he didn't ever want to come back, but twenty three he could stand the visit if he spent his time with Hilde and avoided the specific L2 cluster where he spent his early childhood.

He heard that after the wars economic disparity got worse. There would be nothing left there. Just junkies with nowhere else to go and no system to help or shelter them like they deserved. Even the street gangs were gone. Duo's old stomping ground was once where the poor took shelter and was now where the lost and abandoned went to die. If the powers that be could decouple that sector and eject it into the sun they probably would.

Hilde jumped up and grabbed his arm, pulling him out of his thoughts and through the doors of the bus, all but leaping towards a respectable shopping mall. There were plenty of people spending their weekend picking up whatever odds and ends they needed. Families with kids in tow, having lunch or taking advantage of the small zero gravity sports complex, filled the air with chatter and laughter and squeals of delight. It dawned on Duo, as they made their way to the toy depot, that this was probably the only place on this particular L2 cluster with such a variety of goods and services. It made some sense for colonies to have a central location for commerce given the lack of space in, well, space. But this was the first time Duo saw anything like it. His cluster, back when he was younger, had small corner shops and small outdoor markets. Even the upscale parts of town were in retrospect nowhere near this fancy.

Having never really shopped in a colony Duo accepted Hilde's guidance. "Okay!" she exclaimed, "We're not going to find everything we need, for that you gotta import specifics. But that's a huge expense so for us the fun is in figuring out how to find something already here that meets a close enough criteria to what the kids want."

Duo smiled at her and teased "won't that take all day?" In response she simply grabbed his arm and tugged him towards their first stop.

"I didn't realize Hilde regularly donated to an orphanage."

At this point Duo held his lukewarm tea in both hands, his arms fully resting on the table, as one index finger rubbed the side of the mug. He was glad Sally knew how to listen. He was grateful that her comments allowed a break in the story so he wouldn't feel self conscious about holding court instead of having a dialog with her.

"Yeah. It did her good. Sometimes I think it was all about her guilt but other times she'd look at me and I couldn't help but think—" he stopped himself.

"Maybe it had to do with you, too?"

His eyes cut sharply to her. "Yeah. Sometimes I got this vibe from her that it was also about her connection to orphans through me. Never asked, though. Didn't really matter."

Sally shifted and tilted her head to one side, loosely holding her coffee and taking a sip. A strand of hair fell forwards in front of her face. "Those kids were better off with her. I'm sure they feel her loss, too."

The corner of Duo's mouth raised up in amusement. He could see Sally recognize from the small gesture that he knew something she didn't. "The uh. The kids don't know. I've been sending money and gifts in her name. So, you know, this good thing she did keeps goin."

He watched as Sally practically melted in her seat. "Oh, Duo. You're one of the sappiest people I've ever known." When his brow furrowed she clarified "it's one of the things I like best about you. Few people are as genuine as you. I've never known anyone else as unabashedly sentimental and aggressively supportive of his friends."

At that, Duo blushed.

Sally seemed to notice his discomfort and signaled their sever for a refill on her coffee. Duo watched the young woman fetch one of the fresh pots and return, topping off Sally's mug and asking if they wanted anything else. She was one of his favorite servers, always knowing when to make small talk and when to keep quiet and do her job. One time she told him about her new puppy, and how she was waiting tables because she liked the work. He didn't really buy that story in full. He tipped generously, regardless.

"So" Sally's voice dragged him from his thoughts. "Did you two find everything you needed for the kids?"

That was the million dollar question. His eyes shifted to meet Sally's though his body stilled. He grinned and gave a nod as he drawled "Never quite got around to that, no." It was obvious Sally was keeping her expression neutral, waiting for the rest of his answer. She was attentive as his grin shifted from that broad smile into the slightest curl of his lips. "We heard the screams before the shots. Some asshole with an assault rifle shootin indiscriminately. I told her to stay down, yanno? She wasn't armed. Hadn't been in the field in years but I never went to L2 without a gun. Old habits. Bad memories. Never know when you'll get called into a Preventers mission." He closed his eyes briefly as he moved his right hand with a flourish and declared "If you knew Hilde you know she didn't listen well."

"Duo…"

He didn't care for the sympathetic tone of her voice. "I dunno when it happened. She must've followed me taking defensive positions and advancing towards the gunman. On L2 in the poorer clusters they don't really have any useful law enforcement. Just guys who take bribes and exploit the poor. Can't trust cops. Even now there's not really any Preventers presence or contacts there. Someone had to do something and I told her to shelter in place. It was a tactical decision to advance and with all those innocent people I couldn't do nothing. And she was supposed to shelter in place. Locked eyes and gave the order. I thought she understood."

"Duo…"

She tried to reach out for him and he slid both hands back into his pockets to keep out of range. He couldn't help how his words came out the slightest bit faster in just one breath for the next part. "In the end I didn't get him before he got her and when there was a bullet in his head and I glanced over my shoulder she was down and bleeding profusely and no one could've saved her even if we weren't on L2 with garbage emergency response times."

"I'm so sorry."

"Not like it's the first time I held a friend while they died, Sally." Duo flinched. He didn't mean for those words to come out with such venom and Sally certainly didn't deserve that. But her expression only softened in response.

"I didn't know."

That stung. The double entendre didn't escape him. Of course Sally didn't know any of that. She couldn't know how he held Solo, Helen, and Hilde when they died. She also couldn't know that it all happened on L2, where there was no help to be found. He chose to focus on one aspect.

"When something like that happens on L2 no one notices. There's this ridiculous notion that it's normal for us but it's not, Sally. We're poor, full of slums, full of crime even. But when it comes to violent deaths there's not a whole lot more of that on L2 than anywhere else. We're too busy tryin to survive. That fucker who killed her wasn't even from L2. Just a nobody who wanted an easy target without the imposition of security forces you'd find elsewhere. Some say it's another attempt to destabilize the colony so we never pull ourselves out of poverty. That it's part of a conspiracy to keep us poor. I really don't put a lot of thought into that because I can't change it even if it's true."

"Was there surveillance footage?"

Duo let out a choked laugh. "Of course, Sal, it was a shopping center."

Treading lightly she asked slowly "Did you see it?"

Deadened violet eyes fixed on hers and she regretted asking. "No. I have it on a secure server. Taking it wasn't difficult it's not like they had a sophisticated system." He swallowed. "It's better if I don't know. It's better not to have answers and to just assume she got what she wanted. Anything else… I don't know how well I'd deal with anything else."

Tears formed in her eyes, and Sally tucked the loose strand of hair behind her ear as she composed herself. "Did you have anyone to support you after?"

Duo let out a stifled laugh. "Naw. I did try and see the others but Tro and Fei were too busy for me. Winner didn't want me around. So eventually I called Une."

"And disappeared?"

This was the first time Duo heard any accusation in her voice. "Yeah, Sally. I disappeared. And no one even noticed for at least three months because that's how long it was before anyone started searching."

She frowned, her brows coming together in confusion. "You knew they were looking for you."

"Of course I did. But this conversation isn't about that." His tone began to show agitation behind his control. "It's not even about how my friend might have run into the line of fire hoping it killed her. Or how maybe she really thought as an ex soldier she could help out and never intended to die. It's not even about how I'll never know what was going on in that head of hers or if she'd still be alive if I hanged back. Or if I insisted we stay home with the cat. Or if none of it would've mattered and she'd be dead anyway by her own choice with or without a mass shooting. Because you're here today prying into why I've got no friends to speak of, all in the off chance it'll convince me to attend some potluck you're putting together so you and the others can feel good about yourselves."

"Duo that's not—"

"Yeah it is, Sally." His face was now contorted into a grimace, his eyes bright with frustration. "It is what this is about. Me showing up will make you all feel better. You can check the box that says you tried your best but Duo's just too much of an asshole to play nice and socialize like a normal person. He'll drop by sometimes, he'll even occasionally spend some one on one time with people, but he's too much of an asshole to be a regular, social person. No one actually cares how I'll feel or if I want to be there. You just want to check the damn box."

She took in a deep breath and leaned forward, arms crossed on the table in front of her. "I care, Duo. We care. We just don't know how to show it any other way. We want you in our lives but we're running low on options to make that happen."

He scoffed and took his hands out of his pockets to cross his arms over his chest. "Don't speak for them."

"Fine!" Duo took satisfaction in her exasperation. "I'll speak for myself. I want you in my life. You've been a joy since the war and I miss your company. Even when you're on guard with me and being prickly and un-trusting I still prefer this to you being gone." She shook her head "And you know what? Wufei explicitly told me he wants you in his life. He's happier with you around and I want him to be happy because I love him. And my god Heero clearly wants—"

"Heero doesn't know what he wants."

"He wants you whether you choose to see it or not."

"Shut up, Sally."

"I will not shut up!" Duo glared at her while some patrons turned their way. Her voice had raised enough to startle a few surrounding tables. Her eyes darted about quickly before she continued in a softer voice "You don't have to deal with everything alone. You're not being invited to make us feel better, you're being invited because we are tying to rebuild our connection to you. Because your presence is missed. Did it even occur to you that if you'd told Wufei or Trowa what happened with Hilde they would've made time for you? Because the men I know would've dropped everything if they had any idea what you'd been through. That you needed them."

Duo rolled his eyes and shook his head. "That's easy to say but it's not my experience."

Sally was having none of his attitude. "And what do you mean by that?" she snapped.

"It means in my experience everyone expects me to be there for them to lean on and the moment they even think I might need them in return they run."

They stared at one another for what felt like forever. Ever so slowly the feeling that she was trying her best to read him crept into Duo's mind, fortifying his resolve to keep his angry expression and not deviate from their contest of wills. It was Sally who broke the silence.

"Did you ever give them a chance?"

The question caused Duo's retort to stick in his throat. Had he given them the chance to support him, or was he too hyper focused on his own self sufficiency to allow anyone the opportunity to either show up for him or let him down? If he reached out and never explained why, was it actually reaching out? It was easier to deal with things on his own. It cut out any possibility for disappointment. But just because he could handle alone anything thrown his way didn't mean he should. He shut his eyes and rolled his head back until he faced the ceiling. Sally waited patiently while he cleared his thoughts.

It still sucked that Wufei and Trowa cut him off and never let him explain why he called. But for all they knew he was calling about something stupid. It's not like when he called they could hear him crying. His tears were always silent and his voice steady. He couldn't come right out and say what was wrong so he needed some idle chitchat before working his way to his reason for calling. Would their reactions have changed if they knew he was in crisis? Duo rolled his head forward and looked Sally straight in the eyes.

"How about I give them a chance now? I'll go to your stupid potluck." When she smiled he added for good measure "I cannot promise I will be pleasant company."

"Great. How's this coming weekend? Before Christmas?"

Duo frowned. "I'm busy." He saw Sally quirk an eyebrow at that, clearly not buying his story. "It's classified. I'm open the next weekend though."

Sally took a sip of her coffee, looking smug. "Done." After a short pause she asked, "How much of this talk of ours is confidential? You know Wufei is going to ask how our meeting went and I don't want to tell him anything I shouldn't."

At that Duo looked genuinely confused. "Sally none of this is a secret. You can tell him any part of it you want."

She could not hide her surprise. "But you kept this a secret for years. None of us knew about Hilde."

He smiled. It wasn't fake or condescending but the light didn't quite reach his eyes. "Well no one asked, Sal. I might not be fixin to volunteer my stories but that doesn't mean they're secrets. What would even be the point of updating anyone on Hilde when they don't really know her? She was my friend. Not yours. And tellin you won't bring her back. Honestly if you want to know something just ask. I'll either tell you or not."

Sally didn't know what to think. She wasn't sure she'd ever really understand how his mind worked but she looked forward to getting to know him better. And she hoped, with all her heart, he'd stick around this time.