Chapter Nineteen: Not Alone
Duo never felt more tired in his life, not even when Oz left him to starve and rot in a tiny prison cell for a week.
Though he was cognitively awake he couldn't seem to lift his eyelids open. They were heavy. Immeasurably heavy. He wondered if this was normal and wagered a guess it wasn't. What drugs did they have him on? There was no question he was in a hospital. The last things he remembered were Quatre's grief stricken face, and talk of using the medivac Trowa insisted they keep on standby. He remembered blood. Lots of blood. He just couldn't remember ever being this tired or physically weakened.
He considered whether his efforts to open his eyes would be worthwhile. If he was in a room for recovery that meant a lot of time passed since he was shot. Transport, surgery, and waking up were all things that took time. If he opened his eyes and he was...
Stopping that line of thought before he could put words to it, he decided to just get this over with and deal with his feelings later.
With concentration and significant effort he managed to open his eyes just enough to see a blurry view of a hospital room though his eyelashes. Quatre was seated beside him holding his hand and looking at the floor. How had he not noticed anyone holding his hand? What drugs did they give him to tire him this much? Sally was in a chair behind Quatre, and it appeared someone, probably a Preventers agent, was standing guard at the door. Duo could see the uniformed agent but was unable to make out much more.
When he realized Heero, Trowa, and Wufei were all missing, an emptiness settled in his chest. Of course he'd wake up in the hospital basically alone. He was always alone. Sally was wrong when she said to give the guys a chance. It was stupid to think Wufei and Trowa really would make time for him. It was stupid to allow himself the smallest hope that the others would be there if he needed them. He was a fool for allowing her words to have such impact, and this was all the proof he needed that he was right all along.
Quatre was here out of profound guilt, not care.
Sally was a doctor for the Preventers. He was injured on a mission so it made sense for her to be present.
No one else was here because he was never anyone's priority.
He let his eyes slip closed again. He was in pain. His whole body felt impossible to move. And that voice in his head he tried to cut off and silence came back to make it quite clear that all he wanted right now was to see Heero. He'd even settle for Wufei, as they'd become admittedly close over the last month and a half. Une accused him of running from the people who cared about him, but that was a load of shit.
How did things end up this way? Didn't Une say she was trying to prevent him from ending up hurt and alone?
He wanted to cry but he wasn't sure he had the energy for it. And there was no fucking way he was going to cry in front of Quatre and watch that self-righteous asshole take on some benevolent and comforting role. He didn't want to give Quatre the opportunity to make himself look good. Everyone would focus on how caring Quatre was and how kind it was for him to be there to be there and support his poor friend.
Duo would never hear the end of it.
Eventually he tried to open his eyes once more. It felt harder the second time around, and he struggled to get even the smallest victory. But he pushed through until he could see the entire room unobscured. Immediately he felt the pull to close his eyes again and fought the urge with all his might. The effort exhausted him beyond what he thought possible. It didn't take long for Sally to notice he was awake.
"Welcome back, Duo."
Quatre's head snapped up and his face was exactly as guilty as Duo expected. He couldn't stand that guilt and shifted his eyes to focus on Sally. She smiled as she approached his bedside.
"How are you feeling?"
He tried to open his mouth to speak but that too felt an impossible task. Sally picked up on his state, and came around to the other side of his bed to get closer. "Blink if it's too hard to move." He blinked slowly, unsure if he'd have the strength to open his eyes once they closed. It took incredible self control and several seconds to open them again.
"You lost a lot of blood. They stabilized you but you may need another transfusion to get your energy back. I'll ask your doctor if I can run a CBC and see where you stand. It'll only take a few minutes."
Duo managed to part his lips with herculean effort but was at a loss for what he wanted to say. Did he even want to know?
He simply stared at Sally hoping she'd understand him. Miraculously, she did.
She took his free hand in hers and gave it a light squeeze. Her hand was both warmer and softer than expected. The warmth caused him to shiver, as he suddenly realized how cold he was. He rarely felt cold. Something was definitely wrong.
"Une called shortly after you were cleared from surgery. She ordered a raid on your prime suspect's apartment. One of the gunmen survived his wounds. He confirmed your suspect hired him. Heero, Trowa, and Wufei went to take him into custody."
Duo was simultaneously pleased and disappointed. She saw those emotions flash across Duo's eyes and she instinctively knew what he needed to hear, what he desperately wanted to be true, and what he refused to let himself believe. She suppressed a sigh and rubbed her thumb over the back of his hand. She hadn't let go yet.
"Until Une called they were all here anxiously waiting through your surgery. Wufei and I arrived with Heero before the medivac. Trowa and Quatre weren't long off. They wanted to be here when you woke up." She raised her other hand to stroke Duo's bangs away from his face. She wanted him to have full eye contact for the next part.
"Nothing short of arresting the person who set this all in motion could have dragged them away. They were worried another team might let him escape. They even insisted Une send a guard for your room until they returned." She paused before adding "And I think they had a lot of nervous energy and anger to work out. You really scared them, Duo. You scared us all."
As she spoke, Duo felt himself involuntarily reacting. Sally was remarkably sincere. Her voice hitched a little as she described the fear everyone had for his safety. He needed to cry. Because if Sally was right, and he should've realized earlier that she never lied to him before, he wasn't alone. Not really.
In the wars they'd all left him to fend for himself, even when he showed up for them. He was rescued a few times by fellow pilots but no one stuck around to make sure he was okay.
Afterwards, it felt like the others only cared as long as it was convenient. Even when he was with Heero he couldn't rely on his partner to be there if he was sick, injured, or hurting. Heero always had lines he wouldn't cross, and usually they involved outward signs of affection. Waiting by his side at a hospital was definitely an outward sign of affection. When they dated Heero never once checked in on Duo when he was treated for injuries. He didn't even use the excuse of checking in on his Preventers partner.
Now? Sally was telling him these same men cared. They showed up.
It was too much to take in all at once. His heart wanted to believe things were different now but his brain told him to keep up his defenses and not trust this shift in his reality. Unwilling to process complex thoughts and feelings while in his current state, Duo allowed exhaustion to recuse him. He passed out before he could cry.
Two hours later, Heero raced through the hospital.
He made a mistake and was cursing himself for it. He never should have gone with Trowa and Wufei. If he'd been remotely clear headed he would've stayed behind and been there when Duo woke up. Instead, like a fool, he tried to follow his emotions. The problem was he had no idea what those feelings were at the time.
Une called Trowa while Heero was sobbing in the hallway, unable to catch his breath or reconcile the intense emotional rush drowning him. Duo was alive and safe. But he couldn't stop crying. Trowa hadn't meant for Heero to overhear the news about Duo's prime suspect, but once he did that case lead became something for him to latch onto. He had the opportunity for a mission and to apply focus to something. It was better than floundering without any control.
His tears abruptly stopped
At the time he reasoned that he'd be more useful doing work than waiting. But now, knowing Duo was awake, he realized he was simply running from his fear that Duo would open his eyes and reject his presence. He was afraid of being told to go away.
It was a self-absorbed point of view and he was a coward for running off.
Even if he was ultimately rejected, simply being there when Duo woke up was paramount. It was a statement of care and commitment on a basic and fundamental level of friendship. If he was lucky it could be seen as a romantic gesture to remain by Duo's side until he opened his eyes.
Being there meant everything.
Not being there was a failure on every level.
Trowa was more than capable of bringing in their suspect, especially with Wufei. And unlike Heero, Trowa needed it. He was grappling with multi-layered guilt, and bringing in their suspect would help him overcome some of it. Trowa would do his best to make things right while he was feeling the heavy burden of a mission ending with unexpected results when he was the agent in charge. His job was to take care of the mission.
Heero's job was to take care of Duo.
He could only hope Duo would forgive him for making yet another mistake.
As he ran a sense of deja vu suddenly hit him. The location, the urgency… it felt eerily similar to frantically searching for Duo just three months earlier, in the same hospital, after Quatre claimed to stumble upon him as a patient. And as unlikely as it was to happen again he was immediately terrified he might find Duo missing from his hospital room once more. So when he counted up to room 502 and grabbed the open door frame to slingshot himself into the room, he was relieved to see Quatre jump in surprise while Duo sat upright in bed ravenously eating a cup of pudding. His wide violet eyes brightened as he registered Heero's presence.
It took his breath away, and all he could say was "You're awake."
Duo smiled and Heero thought his heart might burst from joy. "You can thank Sally for that!" Duo pointed a spoon at Heero for emphasis and then popped it into his mouth. He spoke quickly between bites, scraping the pudding cup to get every last drop out. "I was so tired just two hours ago. You know it took forever for her to get my doc to run some test and see if I needed another transfusion but now? Night and day. I feel fantastic! And I'm so hungry. Dya think they'll bring me another one of these?" He held up a now empty pudding cup and gave Heero an imploring look.
As if on cue Sally came through the door holding a tray of food. She smiled at Heero, frozen just inside the doorway, and walked to the foot of Duo's bed. "Salad first. Then pudding." Duo whined like a child and she chuckled. "Come on I've seen you devour salad before."
"Yeah but where else can I get pudding in little cups?"
Sally shook her head. "Any supermarket, Duo. Even convenience stores most of the time. But you need to build your strength and this salad is going to do that. So salad first!" She put the container down in front of him and placed the tray and two pudding cups out of reach on a visitor's chair. Duo was already two bites into the salad when he called her cruel.
Taking a step back Sally nudged Heero and signaled him to follow her into the hallway. Once out of Duo's earshot she explained in hushed tones "We sent the guard away when we got the call that you apprehended the suspect. Duo looks good right now but he'll crash soon. With his blood volume back up he's got lots of energy, but don't forget he was still shot. The meds are masking his pain right now and when they wear off I can't imagine he'll remain this upbeat. But he will be okay. A lot sooner than it appeared when he first was flown out. You Gundam pilots are still on a whole other level with your ability to bounce back from injury."
"And when" Heero asked, "will he be released from the hospital?"
The question was more than a simple curiosity. Heero was putting out feelers to see if Duo could be sent home alone or if he would need help after being discharged. The two of them still hadn't really spoken, and as much as he hated to take advantage of a terrible situation there was nothing he'd rather do than support Duo in recovery.
"Probably a day or two. It depends on how soon he's up and walking and we intend to have him taking a stroll around the floor in the next few hours. He will," Sally added "need a bed rather than the sofa Wufei tells me Duo sleeps on. So maybe he shouldn't go back to his own place too soon."
Heero nodded. He was more than willing to give up his room to Duo and looked forward to knowing he was safe and nearby. He also looked forward to having some time to talk one on one. Glancing into the room it was obvious Quatre, wracked with guilt and already supplying elicit pudding cups before Duo's salad was finished, would not be leaving Duo's side at the hospital anytime soon.
When he finished speaking with Sally in the hallway he saw Trowa and Wufei approach from down the hall. He looked their way as a means of acknowledging their presence and walked back into the recovery room.
Duo's messy braid hung in front of him over a shoulder. It was dirty and the end was caked with dried blood. As he demanded another pudding cup and motioned for the remaining one Sally put out of his reach a few minutes earlier Heero wondered just when the energy crash would come. Duo was delighted to hear his prime suspect was the man they arrested. No one else agreed he could be the mastermind of the assassination attempt, and it was clear Duo wouldn't let anyone soon forget how they'd doubted him. He was excited to hear how the fool tried to escape only to have three ex Gundam pilots forcibly detain him. He was… too excitable and animated.
Cobalt eyes glanced at Sally. She looked back and gave him a nod, walking over to Duo's bedside and checking some equipment. "Duo, honey. I think you need to take it easy."
Duo shot her a brilliant smile. "How come when I finally feel so good?"
She took out a pen light and shined it across his eyes. Frowning, she pulled out her cell phone. Duo simply tilted his head at her and looked up with the wide and questioning eyes of a child. "Dr Parekh? Hello. This is Dr Po, we spoke earlier." She glanced at Duo. "Yes. Exactly. I've been watching him like we discussed and I'm worried he'll hurt himself." Duo was playing with his hair now, having already lost interest in her. "Right. No, I wouldn't say altered but definitely too much like his regular self. He's two seconds away from leaping out of bed." She watched Duo closely. "Exactly. I'll put the order in as planned. Thank you."
Heero watched as Sally went right to work. She wrote orders for Duo's care, signed charts, and spoke with nurses. Lowering his pain medication enough for him to really feel some of his injuries would prevent him from hurting himself. Sally explained offhand that when Duo signed his contract with Une they'd included his advanced medical directive. The hospital had all of this in his records. It included basics like how he was an organ donor, he didn't want measures to prolong his life if he was terminal or in a vegetative state, and that Une was his medical proxy.
He also added his own paragraph asking to keep any pain medication at a minimal dosage to prevent him from over-exerting himself under the false pretense of feeling better. Une told Sally all of this when she called to confirm who would be making Duo's medical decisions if the worst happened. If Sally were taking over part of Duo's care she needed to know his wishes.
Duo's choice of Une surprised her, which is what caused her to call Une in the first place. She never put much thought into it, but if asked to guess who Duo would assign as a medical proxy she would've said the old man from the Sweepers. She also learned that Duo wrote several highly specific provisions into his contract. Though no details were provided, Une alluded to Duo's employment contract as being nearly as idiosyncratic as him.
With her medical orders in, Sally approached Duo and moved his braid aside to gain better access for a physical examination. That's when Heero saw it.
And his blood ran cold.