Chapter Twenty One: Snowfall

"You gotta be kidding me."

Duo frowned as he slowly made the short walk from his kitchen to his couch, hot cocoa in hand. Sally's voice came through his earbuds with a tone like she was scolding a small child. "If you're well enough to leave Quatre's several days earlier than I requested you're well enough to still make your Sunday potluck commitment."

He let out an exaggerated groan to inform her of his displeasure and immediately afterward let out a much smaller one as he leaned forward to put the mug down before gingerly eased himself onto his couch. He didn't trust himself not to spill it in his current state. As he waited for the sharp pain to subside he glanced to the table and stared at the case file currently open on his laptop.

If he was a standard agent with Preventers he'd be off duty completely until the new year and forced into desk duty for at least another week or two. But Duo wasn't a Preventer, not officially. That extra flexibility meant he was back working cases remotely the same evening Trowa dropped him off at home. Shortly after arriving he turned his phone fully off and spent both Christmas eve and Christmas day juggling multiple cases and self care. It was blissfully silent.

After waking up late on the 26th he reluctantly turned his phone back on and set it down, waiting with unease for any missed messages to load. For a minute he thought maybe he'd silenced notifications, wondering how he could have zero messages. Impatient, he reached for the device and checked.

Nothing.

His phone didn't ping with notifications because no one contacted him.

That realization caused tension to grow in his chest and spread outward. As his jaw clenched unconsciously he found himself frowning. He felt an emptiness he couldn't quite reconcile. Christmas was a difficult time for him and it was no secret he wanted to be left alone. Even during the wars and immediately after he rejected Christmas gatherings and did not participate in the holiday. No gift giving, no tree, no lights, no ugly sweaters. He never said "merry Christmas" and didn't acknowledge the holiday. But for reasons he couldn't articulate to himself he was actually disappointed that none of the people currently working their ways into his life bothered to reach out to him.

A misguided "merry Christmas" would be unwelcome for sure. But if they knew how the holiday hurt him, and they should, would it be too much to send a simple text to ask how he was doing? Did they not care?

In the past their indifference to his depression never bothered him, but lately he was confused and highly critical of their behavior. How could the same people who days earlier dropped everything when he was in the hospital suddenly forget him? Would they only be there for him in an emergency and otherwise be entirely uninterested in his feelings? Would they be there for him only at their convenience?

Duo wasn't really sure what friendship was supposed to be like. He threw himself into it for years and never got much in return. But everyone else seemed to rely on each other freely now, the way society made friendship out to be. Were his attempts to distance himself so successful that not one person was willing to reach out at all? Did his self sufficiency become the reason others never noticed his struggles?

Loneliness burrowed into his heart and made to settle in for winter. He was afraid to come anywhere near questioning his own motivations, and he didn't want to explore if perhaps his protest of the holiday was just as much about his painful memories as it was a yearning to feel the happiness others sold as their experiences and the disappointment that he never would. He knew that fear of having happiness stolen from him shaped many of his bad behaviors. Letting people get close meant having a lot to lose, and there was nothing that scared him more than going through the grief of loss. Not again. His heart was too weary.

"Duo?"

Sally's voice startled him back to the present. He wasn't sure how many times she'd called his name but from the concern in her voice it was more than once. He cursed how his mind wandered off track.

"If getting shot and nearly bleeding to death exactly one week ago can't get me outta a potluck you contrived to get me closer to the guys, I'm afraid to ask what'll get me out of something actually important." As the words hit his ears he became very aware of his failure to make them sound light and teasing. Instead they held an acerbic tone he didn't intend to convey.

"You're pretty important, Duo."

He didn't feel like he was.

"Can you drive yet? Wufei can pick you up in an hour."

There was no way he was going to tell Sally that he'd sooner go back to an Oz prison than be stuck at her potluck without his own ride home. "I'm good, thanks. What should I bring?"

"Just yourself."

He disliked the warm tone in her voice. "It's a fucking potluck, Sal. I gotta bring something, them's the rules."

She relented, and when they'd settled on pie he disconnected the call and strategized how to get up, get dressed, and pretend to be okay.

He was tired of pretending to be okay.

It was lightly snowing when he got to Sally's, and within the hour Duo found himself outside sitting on a retaining wall along the back garden where he was sure Wufei meditated in the spring. He closed his eyes and tilted his head backwards to concentrate on the light tickle of snowflakes falling onto his face. When a few caught on his eyelashes he allowed himself a small smile. It was quiet outside even with the distant sounds of children running and laughing with excitement before retreating inside to wait for enough snow to accumulate for play. But for Duo this was everything he needed. Quiet. Peaceful. Comforting. It was perfect until he heard and felt someone sit down beside him.

He refused to open his eyes. If he didn't look this rare moment of tranquility wouldn't end. And though Duo could feel his hair littered with white snow, and his eyelashes getting heavy with slow melting ice, he didn't shiver once until a familiar and husky voice gently inquired "How are you, Duo?"

Suddenly unsure of the strength of his own voice he waited a moment to answer. When he spoke he first let out a small sigh and kept his head tilted back and his eyes closed. "I couldn't breathe in there anymore. This is much nicer."

The weight of Heero staring at him eventually proved too much and he opened his eyes, shifting his gaze to meet deep cobalt pools fixed unwavering on him. Heero sat with his whole body turned towards Duo. Snow was settling in his familiar dark and unruly hair, tickling something inside of Duo and causing a lazy smile to spread across his face that reached his eyes. He forgot the emotional distance between them. And for a sweet moment it was like time reversed.

A warm and soft hand reached out to touch one of Duo's red cheeks. The action was something between a caress and simply brushing off melting snow. The heat lingered and so did his hand, hovering above Duo's skin. The warmth had an undeniable gravitational pull and Duo couldn't help but lean ever so slightly into it until he could feel it radiating life into him, his eyes sliding closed as he enjoyed the sensation.

"Are you cold?"

"If I was couldn't be now."

At Duo's quiet answer Heero's eyes glimmered. He opened his mouth to speak and closed it again, unsure of what to say. Then he allowed his thumb to trace languishing circles on Duo's skin. "I've really missed you." He said the words with clarity as though they were natural and easy. When after a moment Heero suddenly became uncertain, Duo felt and reacted to the change in his demeanor.

Heero watched Duo open his eyes and fix him with a look that said he knew something bad was coming next. He was glad, in a way, that Duo could still read him so well.

"About that day at the hospital..."

"I know."

He shot Duo a look of surprise.

"Zechs explained it to me immediately. He said in spite of how it looked you're not actually hotheaded and you're just as far from violent as I remember. He told me you'd just lived the worst day of your life, and joked that he had that punch coming. He said you're even for The Singapore Incident." His eyes flashed with mischief. "I assume it must be some story, since neither of you ever brought it up with me before." Duo whispered the next part like it was a secret he shouldn't tell. "Plus Zechs hit you back and yet you're still even for a separate incident somehow. How does that math work?"

When Heero stalled instead of reacting, Duo continued. "Anyway, he assured me you're not a violent man." He gave Heero a coy smile. "At least outside of field work."

It didn't occur to Heero that when Zechs was leaning close and speaking to Duo he was coming to his defense. It spoke volumes about the man that he'd defend Heero just moments after being struck. He'd have to thank Zechs for that assist.

"Duo. I've never been more scared than when they rushed you into that hospital. You looked..." he paused and swallowed hard. "And Quatre and Trowa were so sure you wouldn't..."

"Hey."

Heero saw nothing but understanding in shining violet eyes. It scared him.

"We all need a little grace when we're at our worst, Heero." He let out a short and harsh laugh. "Shit, I've done my fair share of terrible things. But you can't do something like that again. Punching Zechs was unacceptable behavior. It doesn't matter if it's the worst day of your life. It's unacceptable. Period. You know I can't stand violent people. You know my favorite thing about you is your kindness." Duo smiled softly. "It's one thing to defend yourself or someone else in a fight but it's another to just be violent."

"I punched Trowa." Heero winced as the words slipped freely from his lips. Duo looked utterly blindsided and confused. Heero dropped eye contact and focused on watching the snow try its best to stick to the ground.

"He arrived at the hospital after they took you to surgery and I thought he'd gotten you killed. I've never been that angry or scared. He's my partner and he kept a secret from me that endangered you. I really thought you were going to die. I was terrified." Heero swallowed hard. "Trowa and I have discussed this. He said he understood and I didn't need to apologize. That if the tables were turned he'd probably react the same way. I apologized anyway."

He looked up to find wide eyes fixated on him in an almost unnerving way. He wrapped up his thoughts in an almost desperate whisper "I just thought you should know. I don't want to keep things from you."

They stared at each other for a long while, the light snowfall leaving pinpricks on their skin to remind them how time was passing. Duo's expression gradually softened.

"Thanks for tellin me, 'Ro."

He hadn't heard that nickname in years. Its use filled Heero's heart again. "Can you forgive me?"

Duo gave him a sympathetic look. "I can't because only Trowa and Zechs can do that. But I won't let one day erase everything I've ever known about you. You were never a violent man, Heero. Even when you had big anger problems during and directly after the wars you weren't violent. Self destructive, but never violent. So if you're asking if I can get past this, the answer is yes. That is... if your subsequent behavior proves you're still the man I knew."

Heero felt his heart overflow. "I am."

A small smile crept onto Duo's face. "I really hope so, 'Ro. I liked that guy."

Duo paused, searching Heero's eyes for something before he continued. "I uh... I know what that kinda fear feels like. I know how it can manifest as anger an' honestly I didn't mean to scare ya like that. I'd never intentionally put anyone through that." His next words came slowly, as he carefully considered them and once again tilted his head back to look at the sky and savor the feeling of snow on his face.

When he spoke it was so softly the light breeze nearly carried it away.

"I didn't mean for it to bleed that much. I thought I directed the shot so it would pass through cleanly and hit the second gunman." He let out a large puff of air and the steam swirled briefly before disappearing. He looked back to Heero. "I guess guns are a little harder to predict than knives. But I had no intention of dying that night. I wanted only two things: to complete my mission and to live."

A sweet smile with a dreamy quality was all the response Heero gave.

The snow was starting to pick up with big flakes quietly blanketing the ground that only a few moments earlier was warm enough to melt them. Heero's dark hair was largely littered with white snow and Duo couldn't recall seeing him looking more handsome than right then, with his eyes so bright and his face flushed. He wondered if that was from the cold or if Heero was blushing.

He shut his eyes and recalled the image before him, locking it into his memory. He didn't want to forget Heero's gentle look and the snow in his hair. He wanted that for years to come. When he opened his eyes he couldn't recall just when Heero's free hand snaked around his waist nor when the Japanese man slid a little closer. The hand that was once on his cheek was now gently brushing snow from his hair, moving his bangs to tuck them behind his ear. The puffs of steam from their breath mixed in the air, signaling a dangerously close proximity. If he leaned just a couple of inches forward...

"Heero."

Duo ran one hand between them to latch onto the front of Heero's jacket, right by the neck where soft fur lining from a hood he wasn't wearing gathered cold and wet snow. When the toothed edge of a zipper track scratched against Duo's thumb he remembered where he was. He recalled the hurt that brought him there and the second chances he was desperately afraid of allowing to grow roots.

With effort he leaned backwards. The distance was just enough to remove himself from that danger zone, though any proximity to Heero was by definition emotionally dangerous. He took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and whispered "we ought to go back inside."

The beautiful brightness in Heero's eyes dimmed but he didn't fully break his hold on Duo. Instead he disengaged his touch and ran one hand down the length of Duo's braid, holding the end of it like he used to when they'd cuddle, or when Heero wanted a physical connection as they typed mission reports side by side.

"Whatever you want, Duo. This time I can accommodate whatever you want."

Heero's words settled heavily in Duo's heart. He didn't trust them, but he wanted to. As he went to stand, Duo suddenly abandoned the motion and dropped back onto the stone wall where he'd been sitting. The snow accumulation on his coat and in his hair bounced and partially fell as he crashed down. His eyes shut tightly. Heero stood immediately ready to provide support. "Is it your side? Do you need help?"

A small laugh escaped Duo's lips and he looked down to his own hands bracing himself on the wall. He couldn't seem to look up at Heero. This was he first time they'd really talked in years and none of it was how Duo imagined it might be. He wasn't sure if he was glad, or if he felt let down by reality not meeting his fantasies.

"Been out here too long. The cold's got my muscles all tense and that's not a great combination with this." He pointed towards his wound. Heero knew he must still have bandages wrapped around his waist underneath his coat and sweater.

Two strong arms positioned themselves on either side of Duo as Heero casually offered to brace him, but only if he couldn't stand on his own. "I'll catch you if you fall."

His words were meant to be kind but they stung a little instead. In response Duo simply nodded, and in a moment he was standing, unassisted, through a surprising amount of pain given how quickly his recovery was going. As much as he enjoyed the cold his healing body did not. Once he was certain of his footing, he and Heero walked back towards the house to see what the others were up to.

On their way back Duo did his best to shake off his mood.

He still needed to pretend he was okay.