Note: The original plan was to serialize this fic here as a weekly Saturday deal to see if anyone wanted to read it. If yes, when it was fully published I'd make an AO3 account and put it up there as well. But I guess ask and you shall receive? I've requested an AO3 invite, and will be making simultaneous updates once the invite comes through. Thanks for reading, and for the kind suggestion to speed up my plans.
Chapter Twenty Three: Hesitation
Heero's mind kept bringing back the image of Duo sitting in the snow, with his cheeks flushed red and soft snowflakes laying on long dark eyelashes. He could see that moment when Duo softly sighed and a faint puff of steam escaped his lips and danced in the air before him. He looked nothing short of handsome, snow clinging to his hair.
It was the polar opposite of the image of Duo exploding at Quatre and hightailing it out of Wufei and Sally's home into the cold evening. What followed was an excruciatingly long postmortem about the potluck, with Quatre in tears getting a lot of tough love from his friends. Heero wanted to chase after Duo but Wufei convinced him that their friend needed space.
He wasn't so sure.
After three full hours of group analyzing what went wrong and brainstorming how to fix things Heero finally grabbed his coat, put on the gloves he'd tucked into his pockets, and borrowed a shovel from Wufei to dig out his car. Though he was offered a spare room to sleep in for the night he couldn't be in that house a minute longer. The feeling only served to remind him of Duo. "I couldn't breathe in there anymore," he'd said. Heero felt that with everything in him as he shoveled through snow hardened after sunset.
Nearly an hour later he was collapsed on his couch holding a hot cup of tea, glad to be home for the rest of the evening. It didn't take long for him to be thinking again about Duo. He couldn't shake that broken look on Duo's face as he stormed out. And the bad feeling he had about how things ended, specifically how he didn't go after the braided man, kept nagging him. Did Duo really need space? He just wasn't sure. Duo wouldn't do anything drastic like disappear again, would he? As that thought took hold of him the mug felt like it was burning through his hands.
Looking out at the still falling snow he decided he needed advice from someone who knew Duo well and was not affiliated with any of his friends. It left him only two options: That Hilde girl, or Howard. Neither were particularly welcome options but Howard would be easier to reach. He assumed Hilde was likely on a long call with Duo, laboriously talking him down from his anger. Howard was always available in case he got a call for a job. With reluctance, Heero dug up the old man's number in his contacts list and dialed, bracing himself for what was sure to be an interesting call if the man picked up.
The stern lines of Howard's face as he examined Heero through the vid phone made his feelings evident. He refused a voice call, texting back that he wanted Heero to look him in the eyes when they spoke. They'd had no direct communication for years. Heero tried to contact Howard when Duo was missing, but the old man and everyone Heero knew in the Sweepers blocked his efforts. It was a miracle he answered at all.
Since the last war his hair had turned more white than grey, but the frown Howard always greeted Heero with was timeless. "Listen it's no secret I don't like you. Never really did. And it's even less a secret that any fondness I may've had for ya went right out the airlock after you hurt my boy. Never was quite the same after that one-two punch from you and Hilde. So what do you want, Yuy?"
Heero knew intimidation didn't work on Howard, he was too carefree for such things. So he took a different approach. "I need your help. Something happened today."
Howard kept a critical eye on Heero. When he told the younger man that Duo called him last week while stuck at Quatre's recovering from his hospitalization, Heero looked surprised. The reaction told Howard that Duo was carefully keeping different parts of his life separate from each other. He could see Heero came to the same conclusion.
As Heero laid out the day's events Howard looked for and found the "tells" Duo once spoke of in regard to Heero's emotional state. The Japanese man was not nearly as stoic as he was during the wars but he still clearly was not comfortable enough with Howard to openly show his feelings. Even then, there was no mistaking the sincerity of his intentions.
He cared deeply for Duo, and that pleased Howard to no end.
In a lot of ways Duo was like his own kid and he was more than happy to play the father or uncle figure who kept Duo's love interests on their toes and in line. Duo, like most people, didn't need someone to play that role, but the idea of it tickled Howard. He'd do just about anything for his boy, and with Duo rarely asking for help this was a golden opportunity.
Howard could plainly see how the gruff teen who stole parts from Deathscythe and left Duo hanging out to dry in the middle of a war appeared to have grown into a decent man. Duo wasn't entirely wrong about Heero. Maybe Duo was right just enough, and this fool interrupting his day could actually turn things around.
"Okay. So I'm up to speed now, yeah?"
Heero nodded.
"Why exactly are you calling me, kid? What is it that you wanna do?"
After a second or two spent thinking Heero answered "I want to be there for him. I don't want him to be alone. I never want him to feel alone again."
His answer was more direct than Howard expected and he smiled, bringing his arms back and resting both hands behind his head. The Hawaiian shirt he wore with flamingos in Santa hats lifted up a little in response to the motion. "So why are you getting my permission to go see him?"
"I'm not looking for permission. I'm just afraid he won't want me there and thought you'd have some advice on that."
"You're tellin me that the guy who piloted Wing and used the Zero System is afraid of my boy rejecting him?"
"Yes."
Howard's smile couldn't have gotten any larger. Heero's quick answers and sudden switch to a fully solemn and serious tone were good signs that he was being honest. Duo really was right about the guy's ability to care for others, but this was the first time Howard got to see evidence of it himself. If he thought for a moment that Duo would reject Heero's presence or that the kid truly didn't want him in his life, Howard's reply would be very different. But he knew his boy well. And sometimes he knew what the kid wanted before he was able to admit it openly himself. So it was time to be a good dad, or uncle, or whatever he was, and push this thing along.
"Duo once told me you claimed to follow your emotions. But you're not good at that when it comes to my boy, are ya? And when you do one thing with everyone and for everything except him... then you hurt him." He saw Heero deflate and knew his words were being carefully listened to. At that he sat upright and swung his arms back to his sides. "Shape up and show him what you're feeling. Follow your own damn advice and you've got a fighting chance."
Howard didn't expect Heero to avert his eyes and quietly ask "And if he rejects me?" If he wasn't still angry at him for hurting Duo so badly he might've felt pity. The old man hardened his voice.
"If he rejects you then you deserve it." He watched Heero flinch and, remembering how Duo sounded in their recent calls, added more gently "just remember he's got a kind heart. And a boundless streak for wanting to help others. Don't tell him how he feels or what he needs. When in doubt make it about you. Ask for help. Show him you're feeling vulnerable and he'll want to protect you. He's strong. Strongest person I ever met. A voracious fighter who's never down for long. And he uses that strength in the service of others, even when he doesn't want to. Because my boy knows the difference between what's right and what's easy. So yeah. Just don't lie to him, and tell him how you feel."
Heero met his gaze again and Howard did feel a little pity then. The young man looked rough but hopeful at those words. Howard was compelled nonetheless to quickly add "if you hurt him again like before, if I ever see my boy like he was before…"
"I won't!" came a hasty and desperate reply.
"Good. But I still want you to know that if you hurt him like that, I'll never be on your side ever again. I'll make sure he knows you're not good enough for him. I can't stop him from seeing you, that's not my place or anyone's place. But I'll be damn sure he knows he can do better."
Heero gave him a single nod. "I expect no less, and I appreciate how much you love him."
Howard couldn't help smiling. Years of doubts about Duo's choices were starting to slowly melt away. "So what're you still doin talking to me?"
Heero nodded again and gave his thanks. When Howard reached to disconnect the call blue eyes turned back to the camera and he heard Heero ask "What one-two punch?"
Howard froze in place, his hand hovering above the controls of his antiquated vid screen. Slowly he leaned back and shifted in his seat to a more comfortable position, with an elbow propped up and his chin resting in his hand. He stroked his beard. "Clarify the question, Yuy."
He watched as Heero tilted his head a notch and answered "You said earlier that Duo was never quite the same after that one-two punch from me and Hilde. What does that mean?"
The old man's eyebrows lifted and he looked genuinely surprised. "You don't know."
Heero frowned. "I wouldn't be asking if I knew."
Howard sighed. This call was definitely not what he'd describe as a good time. He checked the hour and flipped a switch, giving an order to a crew member to run point for a while longer. He would be late to the bridge. Then he turned back to the ongoing call. Heero was waiting at full attention like he was still a soldier anticipating orders.
"Duo showed up about 4 years ago on my ship. Didn't contact me beforehand, just stowed away while we were docked. Was a lot like when we first met except this time instead of a little kid escaping trauma he was an adult shell shocked from trauma. Don't really know how long he was here before my crew found him. He was thin. Didn't talk for days. Just stared out into nothing."
He watched as Heero's face shifted into fright. He couldn't really blame the guy for not being able to hide it when none of the Sweepers who knew how social Duo was before and during the wars could talk about what they saw when Duo showed up, completely silent. Howard tried not to think of it too often.
"He was quiet when he spoke again. Just answering yes or no questions. But eventually he used full sentences and about a month later I found him in my cabin. Told me what happened. You broke his heart." He pointed at the camera for emphasis but the slight aggression quickly faded into sadness, his hand falling and his shoulders slumping. "And then the only friend he thought he had left up and died in his arms."
When a horrified Heero asked him to explain everything, Howard began the longer story.
Heero pulled up to Duo's building, but he couldn't find street parking and circled another block out hoping to come across an open spot or else he'd double park and deal with picking up his car from a tow lot later. There was no way he'd let Duo be alone tonight. Not after everything Howard told him. Not after all he'd been through, especially recently. He probably thought everyone would hate him for yelling at Quatre, but that was far from the truth.
Just as he was making his final turn he saw something and hit the brakes. He put on the emergency lights and jumped out of his vehicle. There was a familiar looking luxury SUV with significantly less snow on it than the surrounding cars, parked just two blocks from Duo's building. Heero stood in the snow staring at it for a moment before he walked to the back and checked the plates.
Trowa.
Hours ago when he left Wufei's place it was Quatre's car out front that was being slowly buried in snow. For Trowa's car to be parked outside Duo's building he must have driven back to Quatre's, changed cars, and come here. The roads would be mostly clear since Quatre's estate was positioned on a snow emergency route, and the large garage would mean he didn't have to waste time digging out. Based on snow accumulation on the hood he probably arrived within the last half hour.
Heero could've kicked himself. While he wasted time second guessing his motivations to see Duo, Trowa was following his emotions. Of course it turned out this way. Heero always had difficulty following his emotions when it came to Duo, even Howard knew that. Leaving his car temporarily he walked through the snow around the next corner of the building. The river was just ahead, which meant it was Duo's side. Turning and looking up he counted windows until he reached Duo's floor. The lights were on in his small studio.
Years ago Duo would turn off all the lights during a good storm or snow because he wanted to watch it at night. Interior lights, he said, ruined the view. Seeing lights on only confirmed Duo had company.
It was foolish for him to worry about the braided man being alone without him. He wasn't Duo's whole world. He hadn't been any part of Duo's world for some time. And while a few months ago the American may have had no one, he now had friends. Or people who wanted to be his friends. Heero pulled out his phone and sent a text.
I'm worried about you. Are you all right?
As he waited a gust of wind jostled his jacket and hood. No reply. Was Duo screening his texts? He could see the blinking lights from his car reflecting in the distance on white snow and wrote a second message.
If I don't hear back I'm coming over. He paused, then continued typing. You shouldn't be alone.
Heero stared at the text before sending it and thought about what Howard said. Don't presume to know what Duo needs. Instead of telling him how he's feeling tell him how you're feeling. Ask for help. He can't turn down the chance to help someone.
Heero deleted the message and wrote a new one.
I'd like to see you. We can sit in silence if you don't want to talk. I need to know you're okay and I regret not following you.
After hitting send the reply was almost immediate.
I'm okay. Really. Stay home.
Heero hung his head. As much as he wanted to be the one supporting Duo he was glad Trowa had it covered. He wasn't needed here because he was too late. But he wouldn't let that happen again. Hesitating was how he lost Duo the first time around and he learned from his mistakes, even if he sometimes learned slowly. He typed two quick texts while walking back to his car and sent them out in succession.
Please take care of yourself, Duo. I trust you when you say you're okay. I'll see you tomorrow.
Thank you for the advice, Howard.