Chapter Thirty: Reciprocity
Heero felt warmth for days.
Logically he knew that Duo's gesture in giving him soup was not a sign of romantic intentions, but that didn't stop him from feeling truly loved. Not wanting to let that experience go he rationed the dish for as long as he could, savoring the pleasure it brought each time he allowed himself a taste.
Holding a hot bowl up to his face taking a sip of carefully crafted broth was akin to a loving embrace.
Maybe he was starved for attention. Maybe he needed more in his life than he was willing to admit. But in all cases he was happy to indulge himself in whatever love Duo offered him. If they were to remain platonic friends, he would graciously accept that. After so much time apart he realized that the friendship they shared was possibly even more important to him than their romantic relationship. He would not pine. He would not ruin what they had hoping for something more. He would enjoy their familiarity and spending time the end of the day what he truly wanted was simply to spend time with his best friend.
Unfortunately, he didn't get much of that while he was sick. After preparing the most meaningful meal of Heero's life, Duo did not return to his apartment. That didn't bother Heero because the afternoon they spent together was as perfect as it could be. Even though he was sick and unable to focus well, Duo stayed and talked with him, dumbing down his word choices so Heero could follow through his brain fog. When he was frustrated with his lack of clarity Duo reassured him, and when he could no longer remain awake and upright he felt Duo's strong arms pick him up and carry him back to bed.
Heero had a vague memory of getting tucked in, his blankets drawn up to his chest and a hand gently patting him on the head, fingers lacing through his hair. He wanted to believe that was true. He also kept telling himself that want was not the result of his romantic feelings. It was nice to simply have a friend care for him and if he repeated that enough he was certain it could be true.
Around the sixth time he thought back to being gently tucked into bed he decided that it was okay to relish human touch without assigning romantic intention. There was no rule that said friends could not enjoy platonic love and support. He was certain of this. In the years after Duo disappeared he did a lot of research on relationships and there was no rule that forbade him from reveling in Duo's care. The only applicable rule was to respect Duo's boundaries.
He could do that. He learned to do that.
Though Duo was not present, he checked in via text every eight hours to make sure Heero was taking his medication and hydrating. He also made sure to leave Heero enough food to last until he was back on his feet. He even did Heero's laundry and changed his sheets so the bed smelled fresh. Clean sheets always allowed Heero to fully relax.
Not even Sally was so doting.
When his supply of soup ran out Heero seriously considered whether he should ask Duo for the recipe, but after an indecisive afternoon he concluded it was best to leave that Duo's secret. Part of him hoped that if he never learned to make it for himself Duo would be there in the future to make it for him. He liked the idea that the recipe was a symbol of the care and devotion others had towards him. It was surreal to think if it like that, but it was true. People loved him, even if only a few.
Once his strength returned Heero decided he was going to reciprocate, one way or another. The problem was he didn't know where to start. How could he begin to demonstrate how much Duo meant to him? The more time he spent thinking about it the further away his goal felt. Heero had a tendency towards competitiveness, and he wanted to do something bigger than cooking a heartfelt meal. But the longer he spent thinking about it the crazier his ideas became.
He was treading dangerously close to romcom levels of Big Romantic Gestures. Thankfully he knew how genuinely creepy that type of behavior was in real life. He learned that from dealing with Relena early on. When he felt stuck, he dialed an expert.
"You seriously want my advice?"
"Yes."
Quatre was floored and didn't make to hide it in his voice. "I would think, given everything that's happened recently, my advice would be meaningless."
"Just because you're an asshole doesn't mean your advice will be bad."
Heero's words cut deeply and Quatre's voice betrayed his nervousness when he asked, "How can you be certain I won't sabotage this for you?"
Without hesitation Heero answered "Trowa's my partner at Preventers. Do you really think I'm unaware of what's been going on in your house?"
"Heero…"
"There's no way you haven't realized what a jackass you've been." Heero took a deep breath to calm himself. "You drugged Duo. You drugged him as though consent doesn't matter. You endangered him and nearly got him killed. You insulted both him and Trowa at that potluck. You're…" He paused to gather himself. "I thought you were better. This was a hell of a way to discover how flawed you are but if I can change then you can. I trust Trowa when he says you're doing the work."
"I am! Heero, I am!"
The desperation in Quatre's voice almost hurt. For all the misdeeds and ugliness he displayed in recent months Quatre was Heero's friend. They'd been friends for 12 years, during which the blonde man stuck by him through countless troubles and traumas. No matter how angry he was it was impossible to shut Quatre out without giving him the chance to redeem himself. Seeing Quatre hurt Duo was worse than anything he could have done directly to Heero.
The visceral need to protect Duo fueled much of his anger, but the braided man was also the reason he refused to be consumed by anger.
When Duo displayed for Heero immeasurable grace, he was leading by example. Heero would never forget when Duo declared "I won't let one day erase everything I've ever known about you." Those were words to live by, and while Quatre's bad behavior spanned much longer than a single day it was contained to one person. Heero would not let Quatre's treatment of one person erase years of consistent honest and good behavior. At least not so quickly.
If Quatre continued to mistreat the American he would sever their friendship and stand with Duo. But according to Trowa Quatre was a broken man, acutely aware of his failures and determined to do better in the future. So he felt he should test the waters.
He also simply wanted his friend back and hoped the Quatre he knew would return.
"Then help me out, Quatre. You seem to have done something right, since Trowa is finally warmed back up to you. What should I do for Duo?"
Quatre paused. "Have you considered a home cooked meal?"
Frustration was a relentless combatant. Heero sighed. "That's too small. You have no idea what a big deal this was. The noodles were hand made."
"WHAT?"
Heero couldn't help smiling a little upon hearing the complete shock in Quatre's voice. Not only was he looking forward to this reveal, but he wasn't let down by his friend's response. It felt like they were finally getting back into their old rhythm. He spoke slowly and with emphasis. "Hand. Made."
"And you're sure this was Duo?"
That caused Heero to smile a lot. "Yes, I made sure. At first I thought he was imaginary but it was definitely him."
"The same Duo you put on indefinite dish duty during the war when he discovered instant noodles and insisted preparing them was akin to cooking for us all?"
"Yes."
"I'm… I'm speechless."
"So was I. And then I was certain he couldn't possibly go so far as to hand make the noodles, even though I was looking at individual portions wrapped in plastic with a note for how to cook them. There had to be a catch, yeah? So I thought maybe he bought fresh noodles somewhere."
"Yeah…"
"But then I checked my pantry. Quatre. I'm not joking when I say there's an extra bag of flour in there. He didn't know if I had flour so he brought his own. And I thought maybe I forgot and bought new flour early but then I saw food grade lye. I have never bought that in my life!"
"And that's for the noodles?"
"Honestly I had to look it up online but yes. It is."
"Wow."
"I know, right? So you can see how serious this is."
"Right." Quatre was starting to sound more confident and comfortable. "But you can't respond to soup with tickets to a once in a lifetime experience or some expensive gift. Plus you've seen his place, he wouldn't have anywhere to put a physical item and it would be rude to assume he does. And unless you're certain you've got his tastes narrowed down it could be disastrous."
Heero knew Quatre was thinking of the fountain he received when Wufei heard the estate's garden was being redone. He wasn't sure anyone ever told Quatre that the pissing Sandrock statue was meant as a joke, but that was mostly because of how funny it was when he swallowed his dislike and actually displayed the ridiculous gift. He even changed the new garden plans and added a labyrinth so the fountain could be placed in the center where few people would find it. Heero made a mental note to bring Duo there some day. He'd love to see him discover the statue in the wild.
"So you're suggesting something abstract, but not too grand."
Quatre paused once more. "Yes. Maybe something sentimental?" His voice shifted into a joking tone. "Just don't propose or anything."
Heero was silent.
"Oh my god you're not actually considering proposing to him over soup? Are you?"
Quatre felt his throat close off in dread when the silence continued.
"No."
He quietly let out a sigh of relief.
"But I can't say I didn't consider it."
"Heero!"
"I was feverish."
"Heero!"
"Marriage seemed like a proportional response while I was delirious."
"Heero!"
"I'm not actually going to do it, don't worry." The annoyance in his tone held a note of warning that Quatre knew better than to test. "I'd be lying if I said my first thought wasn't to freeze time and keep him with me forever, but even I'm not socially stunted enough to believe that soup, no matter how perfect or hand made, was anything more than a gesture of friendship."
To his surprise, Quatre felt himself deflate a little. Heero might not come out and say it directly, but it was clear he was disappointed. The only idiot who couldn't see how much Heero loved Duo was Duo himself. For everyone else who watched Heero grow over the past few years their dance around one another was a form of slow torture. Although Quatre hated to admit it, he understood and respected Duo's decision to tread lightly this time. Lately he was respecting a lot of things about the American, as he was granted glimpses into who Duo really was as a person. Nonetheless, he hated how all of the uncertainty tore Heero apart.
Being a man who wanted his close friends to be happy all the time, he compulsively tried to make things better, if only in the short term.
"You're right not to assign too much to his actions, but from what little you told me, he went pretty far out of his way to learn to make that for you. Duo might be a bit… extra in his friendships, and he'd probably do something similar for Trowa or Wufei. But he didn't. He did that for you. I think it's fair to say as far as he'll go for others, he always goes farther for you."
Heero's response was soft and heartfelt. "That's all the more reason for me to get this right."
"Then take your time. He's not going anywhere. Not again, anyway. Why not just spend some more time with him before deciding how to show you appreciate his actions? You've got a good opportunity coming up. I got the invitation from Relena to join her for a weekend skiing, which I know means you've already agreed to go. She never invites anyone else until you're attending. Do you think Duo is coming? Maybe you can show your appreciation then?"
Quatre posed an interesting idea, though the answer to his question was a little complicated. It was a safe bet that Relena would not invite Duo on her own and he felt guilty for not considering that when he accepted the invitation. He didn't like the idea of another gathering of former Gundam pilots with Duo left out. It hadn't felt right for the last 4 years and it definitely would not feel right now that Duo was back. But none of that excluded him from participating. There was still time to invite him.
"That's not a bad idea. I'll talk to Relena."
When he said goodbye to Quatre and hung up he didn't feel especially confident in his plan to reciprocate care to Duo. He didn't have a plan at all, which in some ways meant his phone call was a failure. But getting everyone together was a step in the right direction. Getting back into the comfort of calls with Quatre was also a step in the right direction.
He might still be able to show Duo how much he appreciated him. And Relena would extend an invitation for the upcoming weekend to Duo if he only asked. She would not deny him.
There was a particular kind of tension that was palpable on a voice call when Relena was unhappy, and Heero knew it well. After many years of friendship she rarely was up front with her negative emotions but he could read her nonetheless. The moment he asked if she would invite Duo that same discomfort from years ago returned. She would play along and be polite, but she wouldn't be thrilled about it.
"If it means something to you, I guess we can include another person."
"Thank you, Relena."
"But do know that it'll throw off plans some, having to accommodate."
"Wufei told me Sally can't make it because she's on call. It shouldn't be too much difficulty to have him fill in her spot."
"Well she was going to room with Wufei, but now we'll need another bedroom. So yes, it's extra effort." Her words were snippy but cordial. She was skilled at conveying so much while expressing so little.
"He can bunk with me if it's really a problem. It'll be like boarding school again."
"No, it's fine. Don't trouble yourself. We can prepare another room."
Her breezy response confirmed there was no problem at all, she was simply being childish. Heero wondered why she played these games. It's not like she didn't have staff to do things for her. But once she had something in her mind that she wanted it was always difficult to steer her into anything else, no matter how minor the change. It was a miracle when she finally understood they would never become a couple, but afterwards she decided to shift her vision for them from romance to friendship. He quickly realized he'd never truly be free from her need to conform others into what she wanted for them.
That tenacity was often a positive trait in her political career but tended to strain her personal relationships. Heero knew it was the reason they were friends, because without her persistence he'd have left her behind after the wars. But even though he was grateful to have her in his life because of her determination, he wasn't blind to the problems it caused.
"Thank you, Relena."
"Well don't thank me just yet. He's declined."
Heero was at a loss. "What?"
"I sent the invitation just now and he's already declined. Within the same minute, even! But if you really want me to I can have a room made up in case he changes his mind. He does that, as I'm sure you know."
Heero ignored the passive aggressive jab and instead focused on how Duo could possibly respond so quickly to Relena when he hadn't even responded to their text thread from earlier in the day. It didn't add up. Even if he checked his email immediately he was never the type to reply to Relena quickly. Back when they were together Duo would gripe about anything she sent him and wait for days to reply, if only to annoy her.
"What did he say, exactly?"
He heard her sigh. "Thanks but no thanks. I won't be attending. Duo." She huffed. "Is it so difficult to sign your name with a regards or sincerely or some other indication that you have manners? Honestly Heero it's like he isn't even civilized. I swear he's feral."
The email certainly sounded like Duo, but Heero couldn't let go of the speed in which it arrived. His only explanation seemed far-fetched even to him. But maybe it was just enough on this side of reasonable to be true... Was Duo the type to set up his email to filter anything from Relena, have an AI scan it for content, and produce an automatic reply based on a series of potential phrases so that he would never need to deal with her again?
When he really thought about it, the answer was yes.