Note: This chapter includes subjects that may be difficult for some readers. Take care.

Chapter 42: Shame

Wufei looked at the clock hanging on his office wall and then to his phone. He should've guessed it would be like this. Friday afternoon and not a hint of Duo in sight. After the incident at HQ Duo avoided returning because he was afraid of being recognized. Everyone knew how Une's personal courier took down half the terrorists and called in backup while disarming a bomb that could have leveled a city block. Mateo was the talk of Preventers, and that meant Duo was hiding. On the one hand Wufei understood why his friend would choose to keep a low profile. On the other hand it was Friday, and he missed his weekly visit.

He grabbed his phone and sent a text.

Are you going to avoid HQ forever?

Wufei was surprised when an answer came within the minute.

It's AC 208. I can work remotely.

He frowned.

What about our Fridays, Duo?

His phone almost immediately vibrated.

Check your inbox. I didn't forget.

Wufei's frown deepened.

I don't care about that. What I liked about our Fridays was seeing you.

Wufei waited for another quick response but there was none. His phone told him his last message was delivered and Duo read it, but he didn't even see an ellipses to indicate Duo was typing. He was glad that the American didn't retreat from his friends and was instead only hiding from the rest of Preventers, but he wanted desperately for Duo to simply stop hiding entirely and live in the open.

He typed another message hoping to bait Duo into responding.

The girl at the front desk stopped me yesterday to ask after you.

No response.

Une is back at work. She's looking better.

No response.

Wufei sighed. This would be harder than he hoped. It was time to take out the big guns.

No one is angry with you for what you did in her office.

That worked. Duo immediately responded.

I attacked a man who was already in custody.

And there it was. It took time for Heero and Wufei to clear the building that night, and even more time to successfully deescalate the situation in Une's office. Duo was busy up on the roof disarming an impressive amount of explosives. Heero was anxious to see him, but Wufei reminded him twice that not even the bomb squad was better suited for the task of disarming whatever was on the roof than Duo. They briefed their task force about Duo's presence before entering the building, and made it known to the bomb squad that the person working on the roof was not an enemy. As a precaution, they still sent a team member to check on Duo and escort him through the building once he cleared the explosives.

They didn't want him mistaken for one of the terrorists.

Wufei didn't ask Duo what happened on the roof, but MacReady from the bomb squad debriefed him in full. She said when they got to the roof they found one of the largest and messiest improvised explosives she'd seen in her 20 years of experience. No one in her squad moved closer. And inside, literally half inside, was a man she'd never laid eyes on before. He was following wiring with his fingers and making cuts, taking the patchwork bomb apart one component at a time and casually tossing bits aside to make room within the dense array of wiring so he could work more freely.

She referred to him as "a renegade with no protective gear and a frightening intuition for the job" before asking who he was. Wufei wouldn't tell her, but she offered Duo a position on her team if he ever wanted a career change. "He'd have to learn to work with others," she warned. "Tossing disabled parts around scared my crew to death. A lot of them will be happy never to see him again."

Eventually he made his way through the bird's nest of wires and declared the roof safe. When he extracted himself from the mess, half her team gasped. They didn't expect to see someone so battered crawl out from under all that wiring. She wasn't even sure how he managed to stand let alone do delicate work, but he had a brilliant smile that told her he was fully aware of just how good he was with explosives. It was, in her words, "a little unhinged."

Wufei pieced together that this was when the agent assigned to escort Duo took him downstairs. Unhappy with his babysitter, Duo insisted they go directly to Une's office rather than outside where the hostages were taken. There was little anyone could do to stop him. Unfortunately, or perhaps very fortunately, they'd arrive in time to witness the immediate aftermath of Heeo and Wufei's work.

Une was leaning on her desk getting medical attention. The sight of her set Duo off.

When Duo laid eyes on Une, clearly beaten, her hair a mess and her face bloodied and already swollen, he lost whatever vestiges of cool he had left. Turning to the man in custody he sized up that this was the perpetrator of her assault, and launched forward to attack him without a word. It took the combined strength of both Heero and Wufei to pull him off the man.

Une was left stunned. As Duo attacked like a wild animal he said only four words, each accentuated with a punch, though only three landed. The fourth missed as he was dragged across the room. The words were unmistakable.

"You. Don't. Touch. Her."

Anyone could see that Duo was acting upon primal rage. It was a side of him Wufei never saw before, not even in the wars.

Everyone at Preventers heard how Une calmly took a beating in her office while refusing to give up information the terrorists demanded. They talked about their brave and kick ass commander who simply would not break. They spoke of how she landed a few punches of her own before two men, both larger than her and armed, managed to get her subdued. But the stories didn't convey the full brutality of the assault against her. The relief Wufei and Heero felt when she calmly confirmed she was physically but not sexually assaulted was tempered by the horror of seeing the results of the savage attack against her. The sight of her was already jarring, but they both knew the next day when swelling would fully set in she would become nearly unrecognizable.

The rest of his time on site was a blur.

Hours later Wufei handed the scene off to a new team leader and returned home, exhausted. Sally was eagerly awaiting his arrival. She woke when he got the call from Heero and never went back to sleep. Even after the scene was secured and he called her to confirm everyone was alive, she couldn't rest until she saw him with her own eyes. The moment he stepped through the door he found himself in her arms.

Wufei got her up to speed. It was times like this he was grateful her clearance level with Preventers allowed him to actually discuss his job. Some cases were off limits, but this? He could tell her everything.

After hearing about Une's condition Sally expressed worry about something she called Battle signs. Though she wasn't on call at the hospital, she quietly phoned the Nurse Manager and asked if they ruled out cervical spine injuries as well as intracranial hemotoma and other things Wufei couldn't remember the names of. She didn't want to step on the toes of her colleagues, but was clearly invested in Une's well-being, and the Nurse Manager knew how to keep a secret. By the end of their call, Sally promised she'd head to the hospital once Une was settled into a room. It would take another hour or two.

Une was tough, but that didn't mean she'd turn away a friendly visitor, especially with her family out of town. And Sally was on day two of a four day break so she had free time. She later reported how emotionally difficult it was to see Une so badly beaten. If Sally, a trained doctor who tended to soldiers in two wars, has a hard time with what happened to Une, it was no surprise Duo did as well.

When he finished on the roof and arrived on scene in Une's office, Duo was unprepared for what he saw. It didn't matter that she was safe and getting initial treatment for her wounds. Nothing could quell the rage that erupted out of him.

Wufei wasn't sure he'd ever forget the look on Une's face when Duo lunged at one of the men responsible for her assault. They were lucky the other man was already taken away. Her prominent visible emotion among a mix of feelings was complete shock. He wondered if, in all the years she worked with Duo, he kept her at a distance like he did his friends. Perhaps Duo never let on how much he cared for her. Keeping his feelings hidden was his go to move, so it was possible that watching the American lose all control upon seeing her injuries was the first time Une learned how much she really meant to him.

Wufei looked back at his phone and typed a response. He immediately regretted his choice of words when he hit send.

The DA isn't pressing charges. No jury would convict you for assault after you saved all those people and disarmed that bomb.

Duo's response was swift.

They should.

He sighed. Duo was right. It didn't really matter that no jury would convict him, he still assaulted a man who was restrained and in custody. That Duo was not being held accountable was in every way an injustice. He wouldn't even have anything in his personnel records to indicate he was a danger to others because he wasn't officially a Preventer. The crack he fell into, through technicalities and people willing to look the other way, was more harmful than good. Wufei was glad that Duo recognized this rather than taking advantage of it, but the whole thing left him with few paths to comfort his friend.

Will you do it again?

When Duo responded I might it was like a slap to Wufei's face. A definitive "no" would give him something to work with. But this? It was honest. He had to give Duo credit for being honest. But it wasn't the answer he wanted. He swallowed and stared at his phone. What could he possibly say to that?

Have you talked to Heero about this?

Duo didn't respond. Wufei got up from his desk and left his office, making his way across the building to try and catch Heero. This was too important to do anything other than make sure everyone was on the same page. He would not let Duo hide from his feelings. This would not be yet another secret that slowly caused problems.

The phone in his hand vibrated when he passed the midway point but it was just a message from Sally telling him she would be cooking dinner. He saw the door to Heero and Trowa's office was open, and he slipped inside, closing the door behind himself. Trowa quickly wrapped up a phone call and Heero looked up expectantly.

Wufei cut directly to the point.

"You know that Maxwell feels he should be arrested for his actions last week, yes?"

The two partners gave each other knowing and exasperated looks. Wufei couldn't help but feel they'd discussed this at length already and were tired of the subject. His brow furrowed as his eyes darted between them. "Did I miss something? Our friend is in crisis, I expected a reaction."

Heero gave him a weak glare.

"I've seen him every day this week. If he was in crisis he'd have told me."

"He shouldn't need to tell you! But I'm certain he did!"

"I think I would remember."

Wufei was furious. "You're in denial because you're happy!"

Heero's glare deepened. "Is there a point to this, Chang?"

Shocked and disappointed, Wufei turned around and left. He couldn't look at Heero any longer. When he heard footsteps behind him he knew without turning that Trowa followed him. He kept walking, his frustration evident in his gait. If there was anything Trowa wanted to say he could do it in the privacy of Wufei's office. There was no need to air Duo's personal issues in public, especially when people were hungry for gossip.

All week there was talk of the mysterious courier who was clearly not a courier. One of the agents who was there that night got reassigned to day shift, and she kept catching Wufei's eye when he passed. She was the one Duo called Agent Firearms Test, and it was obvious she wanted to say or ask something about Duo, who she still knew only as Mateo. At least one member of the team he and Heero lead into the building that night spread into the rumor mill that the former Gundam pilots knew who HQ's superhero was, and ever since people looked like they had a million questions for them. Few were gutsy enough to actually approach and ask.

When he got to his office he held the door open for Trowa. If the taller man was surprised he didn't let on. Once the door was shut Wufei waited to hear what his friend came to say.

Trowa spoke softly, his eyes holding a great deal of concern. "Should we be worried about Duo?"

Wufei sized him up, looking for any signs Trowa was being insincere. He found none. "I think it's foolish not to be worried when he's obviously battling some inner demons." Trowa's eyes reflexively narrowed and Wufei knew it meant he had questions. "I don't have the details yet, but he's not been himself since he left Relena's for that mission. Something's haunting him."

"You think he snapped because of that?"

"I think maybe he took one too many emotional hits in a row without time to recover."

Trowa looked away and bit his lower lip while he thought. The sight put Wufei a little at ease, because he now knew he wasn't alone in his concerns about Duo. Heero might be in denial, but Trowa understood the gravity of completely losing yourself. They'd both been on the wrong sides of conflicts before. They knew what it felt like to have their world views turns upside down and their identities challenged. For Duo the act of beating a man restrained and in custody shattered the image of who he thought he was.

"Is there anything we can do to help?"

Per usual, Trowa cut right to million dollar question. Wufei just wasn't sure what the answer was.

"Maybe. I don't know. He won't really open up to me and I think he's carrying too much inside. Can you try talking to Heero? If he could just see how-"

"He won't. For him this isn't a case of being blinded by love and a new relationship. He's evolved a lot but he firmly believes the man got what he deserved. There's no changing his mind and he thinks it's stupid for anyone to claim otherwise."

The two men stood in silence for a long moment. If they weren't so lost in their own thoughts it might've occurred to them to feel awkward.

"Wufei," Trowa asked, "do you think we're the bad guys?"

That phrase, the bad guys, was reductive but hearkened back to the wars. As teenagers that was how they discussed their time in Mariemaia's army, contemplating if the actions Trowa took while undercover were in the same sphere as the ones Wufei took in earnest. Neither had reason to use the term in years, and it added a sense of urgency and gravity to the conversation.

His answer came deliberately slowly as Wufei picked his words carefully. "I think most people would say we're usually the good guys. But there's a nebulous area where defining what's good or bad isn't clear. In those cases, we might be the bad guys."

Trowa swallowed hard and frowned. "I don't think Duo's a bad guy."

"Me either. But he did something that wasn't right."

"Do you think Heero's a bad guy for thinking Duo has nothing to be ashamed of?"

"No. But I think he's wrong."

Another silence fell between them. Concern was palpable in the air. When Trowa spoke again he didn't bother to hide his trepidation. "We're not going to lose Duo again, are we?"

Something in Wufei broke hearing those words. He relaxed and replied softly "I don't think so. He's hurting, and he's disappointed in himself and feeling lost. But I don't think he'll run away."

"Would it help if I took him out? I could invite him to spend an afternoon with me. Get him out of that tiny apartment and take his mind off of things."

Warmth began to grow in Wufei's chest. He suspected Trowa cared, but the confirmation that someone else was willing to go out of his way to be there for Duo was a relief. "That's a great idea, Trowa."

The rest of the day went by quietly. Trowa returned to his office, and Wufei wrapped up what he needed to before going home. He talked with Sally about plans for their garden once spring would arrive, and they planned a getaway for a few weeks out, just the two of them. After the incident at HQ they made a point of taking extra time for one another, and while it wouldn't last forever he was happy to indulge while feelings were fresh.

Wufei couldn't help pulling out his phone as he settled in for the evening. Sally was asleep next to him, one hand stretched towards him, reaching out for contact. He got a little closer to her and pulled up his texts, scrolling up to re-read the last few messages between himself and Duo before putting his phone away, taking Sally's hand, and drifting to sleep.

Have you talked to Heero about this?

He doesn't understand.

Keep talking to him. Make him.

It's useless. He thinks the guy deserved it. Says the man was caught red handed committing a terrorist attack and an assault. Said no one will care if he got what was coming to him. It's fine.

What do you mean it's fine?

I don't need him.

You need someone.

I have you. You know I fucked up. You know what I did was wrong. You know I'm everything I hate and you're not pretending that's okay. You give me space to work through how much I fucking hate myself and you take my feelings seriously.

So you're okay with Heero not understanding?

Yeah.

You sure?

I think you're too focused on him. Thanks looking out for me, but I don't need him for everything. Not when I have you. You're kind of my best friend, Wufei.

Likewise, Duo.