Chapter 44: Under the Surface

For two weeks Duo existed in an in-between space, juggling the happiness of a new start with Heero and the shame of his actions. When he was with Heero the bad could mostly be pushed aside. It had to be. He didn't want Heero caught up in his struggles, especially when he didn't really understand.

It was strange how unwilling he was to admit Duo did anything wrong. When they were kids Heero approached every family of the pacifists he accidentally killed at New Edwards and offered them to kill him as penance. Duo thought him a madman at the time. Over a decade later it was Heero couldn't understand the guilt Duo felt. In his mind there was nothing similar between those circumstances. In Duo's mind they both hurt people who were powerless, and thus both needed atonement.

Trowa taking him out for an afternoon was initially an unwelcome distraction. He still felt like he had to put on airs and pretend he was okay, but he was trapped and had to agree to meet or else he'd look like an ungrateful asshole. After supporting and even housing Trowa in December he didn't want to shove his friend's attempts at reciprocation in his face. He knew how hard it was for Trowa to initiate contact. Though he rarely shied from others he wasn't the type of man to go out of his way to call people or invite them places.

In retrospect he'd been foolish to want to decline the invitation. Things got off to a rocky start but eventually settled into the comfortable friendship they used to share. The warmth he felt when Trowa declared no one, not even Quatre, could get away with hurting him... He pulled on that warmth when darker thoughts threatened him.

Even so, what kept him grounded more than anything was Wufei's steady stream of texts, emails, and occasional calls. He ignored a lot of the calls, unwilling to verbally get into the kinds of discussions Wufei was set on having. If everything stayed on text he could think out his replies and not get caught if he actually broke down and cried. He didn't want anyone to know the depth of his feelings.

When he was alone? That was when his consciousness eroded his very being.

Because he still refused to show his face at Preventers he got a short and surprising visit from Une, who knew to track him down at Heero's apartment. Though he mostly recovered Heero insisted he stay a while longer, and Duo didn't mind staying most nights in Heero's bed. He really did sleep better that way, and his nightmares were a lot worse when he was alone. While Heero didn't appear to notice how badly his action's in Une's office affected him, he did know something was wrong.

Une's arrival signaled to Duo that he wouldn't be allowed to hide anymore. As much as he wanted to remove himself from reality, he was glad to finally see her. She looked better than the last time they were in the same room, though it would be a tall order to look worse. Bruises on her face were mostly faded, though with observation he could tell she applied makeup to hide the last physical evidence of her assault.

"You've looked better, Maxwell."

Duo smiled. "So have you."

She didn't bother waiting for an invitation to have a seat. Instead she comfortably slid off her shoes, made her way to the sofa, and sat with what Duo thought was an aristocratic posture. He took the hint and approached, asking before taking residency in an armchair if she wanted anything to drink, knowing she would decline.

"No thank you. I'm here to talk. When we were last on the phone you froze up and ended our call before we could get into details. It's well past time for details." She brushed a few strands of hair from her face. "Do you want to start with what happened that night, or what you did that night?"

Duo felt that same tension in his chest that sent him to the hospital half a year ago. Back then it sent him on a path to reconnecting with his friends. This time he didn't want to go down any path if that was the start. His whole being felt hollow.

"I'll send you my resignation if that makes it easier."

She furrowed her brow. "Why would I want that?"

He clenched his jaw, half convinced she was playing dumb. His mouth suddenly felt dry. "So you can arrest me as Mateo. The alias is solid and he's not employed directly by Preventers so it won't reflect-"

Une cut him off.

"You will not be resigning. And no one will be arresting you."

Unable to contain himself he abruptly stood, his anger bursting through his body language, wild hand gestures, and raised voice. "Why the hell are you all refusing to arrest me? The man was in custody and I attacked him! He wasn't an active threat! He wasn't doing anything but sitting there in restraints. He was restrained!"

Duo collapsed onto the floor next to the armchair, legs bent and arms crossed over his knees. He couldn't look at Une. He hid his face in his arm and choked out "I'm everything wrong with power. I'm no better than the cops on L2!"

Une wasn't sure how to react. It deeply hurt to see Duo in so much pain. She wanted to reach out to him but wasn't certain he'd accept her comfort. Looking at him, emotionally broken, she found herself walking across the room. Once there she sat on the floor next to him. With his back to the chair she couldn't put an arm around and embrace him, so instead she opted to lean towards him and lay her head on his shoulder. He flinched, but didn't push her away.

"They were hired by the wealthy monsters we arrested in your human trafficking case." She felt him still. "It happened months ago. Somehow it leaked that an investigation was underway and hiring someone to infiltrate HQ, wipe the data, and make a show of destroying the building was supposed to send a message that money makes you above the law. It was a coordinated effort. I wouldn't log into the servers and purge the data. That's what held them up. Blowing up the building was only ever going to be a statement. They wanted the data gone from all of our servers, no matter where."

At some point while she spoke he raised his head and relaxed a little. She took the opportunity to grasp his arm and cradle it. "Duo, there was so much at stake and you're the only reason any of it ended well."

"It's still just an excuse."

"Duo…"

"Where do we draw the line? How can it be okay to sometimes assault someone in custody?"

She sighed. "You're right. It's never okay." She squeezed his arm, and with his bruises mostly healed it almost didn't hurt. "But you're not the same as the cops from L2 because they'll never admit they're wrong. They hurt people for personal gain or to feel powerful. You were broken, and you lashed out."

He flared with anger again.

"That's an excuse!"

"It's a reason, Duo. An excuse is for someone who doesn't really think they're wrong, or knew they were wrong and did something anyway."

"You only call it a reason," he spat out "because you have extra context. But anyone can use the same reasoning as an excuse. Context doesn't erase what I've done. Context doesn't change that I've broken a basic moral code! And no one, not even you, wants to punish me!"

Une eyed him, and he couldn't read her expression. "Do you want to be punished?" She watched his jaw clench. The answer was clear. "Will punishment change anything?"

He hung his head and mumbled "Justice changes things."

"And who defines justice?"

Duo's head shot up. There was fire in his eyes and he spoke quickly. "Don't play fucking semantics with me! Don't pretend there's grey area here! The guy was in custody. I didn't throw in an extra punch while trying to restrain someone who was fighting back. He was already restrained."

They sat in an uncomfortable silence, with her unwilling or unable to reply. Eventually, when he thought she finally understood, he relaxed. It took some time, but eventually she spoke again, hoping still to comfort him.

"You saved a lot of people that night. Not just those of us who were there, but also the people whose lives would be made worse if their plans succeeded and sent the message that following the law is optional if you have money."

He sighed.

"Why are you still defending me?"

His voice was small. She wasn't sure she'd ever heard him sound so defeated. All she wanted was to help him feel secure again. She wanted to help him overcome his ghosts but didn't know how to succeed.

"Because I believe in you." She stroked his arm, hoping to reassure him. "You remember what I told you when you came to me with demands for a new job all those years ago?"

He appeared to stop breathing for a second. When he unfroze he answered in a voice that declared he didn't believe the words he was saying. "You're not defined by one event."

Une smiled. There were times she was convinced he forgot those words. He certainly never brought them up with her again. "That's right. You're defined by what comes next." She wrapped both her arms around his and pulled him closer. "And even if you can't see it right now, I know you'll never do anything like that again. You're not bloodthirsty, Duo. You never have been. You put so much good into the world, I think the world can forgive you for three punches." She shifted to kiss his cheek. "Please find a way to forgive yourself, too."

She noticed his hands shaking slightly but didn't comment or move to still them. Une hoped they'd still on their own, but they didn't. Duo didn't move or speak.

"Did you forgive me?" she asked.

His hands did still then, and he turned to face her. She knew she had him now, exactly where she wanted him.

"For Oz. For the war. For ordering your execution."

His expression broke down into despair. "Of course!" He freed himself from her grasp and shifted on the floor until he faced her head on, speaking with a desperation for her to understand his words. "I mean I joke about the execution order, and I admit it took a long time to trust you, but you're important to me!"

With a wry smile she held a hand up to cup his cheek.

"Exactly. I didn't know how much until that night, but I know now." The way his eyes glistened she knew if he were in a healthier place he'd be crying. "We've all made mistakes, Duo."

His shoulders slumped as he begrudgingly mumbled "And we all atone in our own ways."

She lightly pinched his cheek. "You're not as dumb as you look." He smiled and she let go. "You know…" she added, "everyone always called Heero perfect because he put so much pressure on himself to be good at his job, even as a kid. But I've never heard anyone acknowledge how much pressure you put on yourself to be perfect."

Duo burst out laughing, his head tilting back. The sound was loud and jarring after the relative quiet of their talk. She watched his shoulders shake and his cheeks become flushed. It hurt her a little to see him like this. She wasn't sure if he was laughing because he thought her words were genuinely funny, or if it was a defense mechanism. When he finally caught his breath, he countered and she had her answer.

"I've always been the fuck up. Line up the Gundam pilots and I'm the troublesome one, contributing the least."

Effortless. That's how those words sounded to her. It broke her heart to hear them flow naturally from his lips as though it was and irrefutable, verified fact. Who, she wondered, fed him such lies?

"You're the only one of them who, from the start and with all his heart, worked to be a good friend and a good person. You're as flawed as anyone, but when it comes to supporting and elevating others you have a compulsive need to be perfect. I've never known anyone so extreme when it comes to going out of their way to support others and refusing to ever admit they sometimes need support, too. It's like the very idea you might need help makes you feel incapable and jeopardizes your insistence on being independent."

Une watched his expression slowly turn from amused to something else. If she had to wager what he felt, she'd go with "afraid." She wasn't inclined to push him too hard. Not today.

"You know, when Wufei and Heero showed up with an entire unit of agents, guns drawn on my attacker, I was pretty surprised. I thought for sure it would be you." She watched him deflate again and continued. "But when he saw how outgunned he was, that asshole panicked. He hit the trigger to blow up the building. And when nothing happened I knew it was you." She watched him closely and added "You're very good at ruining plans."

He cracked a small smile, which encouraged her.

"How many men did you single-handedly stop?"

Duo bit the inside of his cheek before softly answering "Four. Two I fought and restrained. By the time I got to the others on the roof I was too tired to fight so I just threatened to shoot them. Worked out since one wasn't payin attention and the other was packing up gear after settin the bomb."

"How did you ever untangle that mess? MacReady said-"

"She's a good team leader. Very calm under pressure. In that respect she reminds me of you."

Une knew he was deflecting. "But the bomb was supposed to be erratic in design in case our bomb squad got to it. You disabled it without a hitch."

Duo scoffed. "I wouldn't call it without a hitch."

He was devaluing himself again and she was having none of it. "When it comes to bombs any time you disable one without triggering any of the explosives it counts as hitch free."

He had that rueful smile of his again as his eyes focused on a spot across the room. "Sometimes you just know. Howard called my intuition for explosives a gift, but the chaos makes sense to me. Speaks to me. When it's too organized I'll second guess and think too much."

"Then those idiots played right into your hands," she declared. "They were expecting a logical and organized mind from our bomb squad, not king of disorderly chaos."

She saw him crack that small and amused smile again.

"I never got to thank you," she whispered "for saving my life, and the lives of all those people at headquarters."

Duo dropped the smile and frowned. "You don't have to."

Her lips pursed as she thought over her reply.

"Fine, I won't. But know my thank you will come when you least expect it and most need it. You can't show me that much love and not get what's coming to you. And it's not just me. Nico and Mariemaia swore they'd each hunt you down and show you their gratitude."

He blinked. "Is that a threat of kindness?"

She tilted her head a little, her hair just barely falling into her face. "You bet it is."