Chapter 54: Heart to heart

Heero had a lot to think about.

It hit him pretty immediately that he was an asshole. It never occurred to him that Duo knew the extent of his actions to find him after his disappearance nor how violating of the other man's privacy those actions were. At the time he was only concerned with finding Duo, not respecting him. To have that reality so clearly spelled out for him was a hard pill to swallow. He tried to imagine how Duo was feeling, and it wasn't great.

By the time Trowa found him he was laying in the dirt staring up at the sky. He didn't move, and Trowa silently laid down beside him. They stayed like that for a while, looking at the clouds.

"I'm an asshole."

"Probably."

Heero couldn't help the slight upward tick at the corner of his mouth. "You agreed with that pretty quickly."

"Yep."

"You don't even know what happened."

"If you're telling me you're an asshole, you're definitely an asshole."

From his left Heero heard the buzzing of a bee approaching. The insect was flitting from one flower to another since he first laid down in the garden to center himself. There was something calming and distracting about the insect. Heero doubted it ever had interpersonal problems. He watched it for a bit.

"The worst part is he's not even mad at me. I've seen Duo angry. This was all matter of fact. All business. Firmly taking a stand but not losing his cool."

"And that's bad?"

"Yeah." Heero moved one hand to rest behind his head. He was still watching the insect, still idly wondering how it must be to think about something other than Duo.

Trowa waited before requesting with one word "elaborate."

The insect departed, never realizing it had an audience, and Heero looked back to the sky. He couldn't recall when he last took time to watch as clouds slowly eased their way above him. He idly thought he should take time more often to enjoy nature. Maybe plan an apology hike or camping trip with Duo. He was pretty sure his baka would be amiable to some time away from the city to enjoy the wonders of nature that only Earth could offer.

"Remember in the war how Duo loudly complained whenever he had some minor injury whether or not he got it on a mission?"

Trowa understood immediately. "But when he was seriously injured he'd never let on."

Heero's voice rang hollow as he confirmed "Exactly."

Silence between the two men was never uncomfortable. Even as they learned to express themselves the two still felt at ease in one another's company while saying little to nothing. In moments where reflection was required it also served to give each of them time to form their thoughts without feeling any pressure to talk before they were ready. It was one of many perks that a shared, generally anti-social demeanor provided in their friendship.

After a long while Trowa asked "If your concern is that Duo's lack of anger means he's hiding a bigger problem why do you not just ask him about that? After admitting you've been an asshole of course."

Heero subtly shook his head. "Why is it your advice is always the same?"

"Because you never take my advice. If you did, you'd admit you're an asshole more often and you'd get into trouble less."

Heero chuckled. "Am I that bad?"

"No. Definitely not anymore. But did you ever even tell Duo that you want him to change his job? Because I recall you saying you didn't deserve crushing worry but I don't see any indications you actually spoke to him."

"I…" Heero knew he was caught, and any attempt to delay the inevitable would benefit no one. "I got distracted." When Trowa simply barked out a laugh, he continued. "You can't blame me for wanting to enjoy myself a little."

Amusement mixed with scolding in Trowa's voice. "If you don't do it sooner it'll only be worse later."

Heero frowned. "It's going to be rough, isn't it? He's going to be so angry."

"About what?"

There was another pause before Heero answered. "I was furious at him for not telling me he understood Japanese. I leveled some unfair accusations I was..." His voice trailed off, but he regained his words and courage. "I was very angry. Like my teenage self angry. There's no way he didn't notice, I haven't directed that much anger towards him since the wars."

Trowa took his time thinking over how to respond. There was the simple and easy answer that communication was key in any relationship, but there was also a more personalized answer. Something to tie it all together once he figured out the words. He wasn't overly fond of longer and deeper emotional conversations in which he was the speaker rather than the listener, but when necessary he adapted. And his friendship with Heero was worth adapting for. Eventually he spoke, once more using the same calming voice he used on animals at the circus long ago. It was as much for his sake as Heero's, and his friend didn't seem to mind.

"Earlier this year Duo talked with me at length about the importance of communication. He didn't only teach me how to save my own relationship, he showed me his willingness to forgive. There was something he said that stuck with me..." Trowa took a deep breath. "He told me good people usually act out when they're feeling vulnerable, and that when someone's at their most vulnerable they're most in need of support. It was important to him, very important, that I understand punishing someone who's normally been good to me when they need help is the wrong thing to do." He tilted his head to face Heero and found his friend had already turned from the sky. Their eyes met. "Duo won't punish you for acting out when you were feeling vulnerable. I'm not saying he won't tire of it if you never learn to properly express yourself. You know from experience he's got limits there. But he's the last person to hold a grudge when you make one mistake."

Heero couldn't help but smile. "Sounds like he's been telling everyone that." When Trowa gave him a quizzical look he clarified, "Duo told me the same thing. I haven't forgotten, I just didn't apply it to myself. Not this time." He paused, then frowned, considering what happened the evening of the potluck months ago. "Do you think I should've gone after him?"

After all their years together and all the time they spent as partners at work, Trowa still wasn't used to hearing such self-doubt from his friend. There was a waver in Heero's voice that spoke volumes to his emotional state. "No. Right now it's good to show you're putting thought into things rather than just reacting. He'll definitely appreciate that, and he didn't seem overly upset when he left. I know you are concerned that his calm behavior could indicate a lot of anger or something else brewing, but this time I think it's simpler than that. He's just... He's not particularly mad. He seemed to simply want to avoid a full-on argument. I think he just didn't want to hurt you."

Looking back to the sky Heero frowned. They settled back into their comfortable silence as Trowa's words sank in and finally took hold. Duo didn't want to hurt him. Heero was unable and unwilling to stop himself from smiling at the sky. He noted the cool breeze and warm sun. It really was a beautiful day. It reminded him of a day a long time ago, one that Duo brought up as he left Heero standing alone in the garden, stunned.

"Did you realize it's been 13 years since Meteor?"

Before responding Trowa considered those words.

"Huh. That's right. 13 years ago this month we all first came to Earth. I guess it escaped me."

Heero's voice darkened. "It didn't escape Duo."

"Well, he remembers things."

"Think he can forget enough to forgive me?"

Trowa chuckled. "I think you're paranoid because of what happened years ago. You need to learn to judge him based on who he is today. He's a bit messed up but he's kind of great, and you're lucky he wants you."

With a smile, Heero replied "yeah. He is. And I am."

"Couples fight sometimes, Heero."

"I know."

"So give him a chance. The argument you described is nothing for the Duo I know. He'll cool down quickly and be happy to see you. He fought pretty hard against himself just to be with you. If you haven't noticed how much work he's doing to open up and become someone capable of being in a relationship, someone capable of being friends with the rest of us, you're blind. He's not throwing that away over one fight. He's doing that for himself, and we're simply reaping the benefits."

"You think I deserve him?"

Trowa couldn't name the emotion that overcame him, but whatever it was felt pleasant. After working alongside Heero for years and growing their friendship into one he felt was close to unbreakable, he truly enjoyed how his friend continued to surprise him. Back when they were kids neither of them would spare a thought to whether they deserved someone else. Now they were grown men, and the selfishness of their pasts felt like a distant memory.

"Yeah, Heero. You absolutely deserve him."

Somewhere beyond the hedge they heard footsteps with a gait that signaled Wufei was coming to find them. Heero sighed, and it sounded decisively apprehensive in a way that amused Trowa greatly. These displays of emotion weren't new, but they were privileged. Not many people got to see Heero Yuy with his emotional guard down.

Heero turned back towards Trowa with raised eyebrows and a crooked smile on his face. "Will you keep Wufei from killing me?"

A quiet laugh from Trowa was all Heero needed to know the answer, but his friend replied with words nonetheless. "Is the great Heero Yuy afraid of Chang Wufei?"

Heero smiled wider and turned away again to look at the sky. "No, I'm not afraid. It's just I already know I was out of line so Wufei won't have anything new to bring to this conversation."

He could hear the smile in Trowa's voice as he replied "In other words you don't want to admit you're afraid of him."

Heero shrugged. "I can neither confirm nor deny."

"I don't know what happened between those two, but it's nice to see how worked up Wufei gets over Duo's well-being."

Heero let out a long and suffering sigh, upping the dramatic quality of it to signal he was both frustrated and pleased. "Yeah. It is. But one day it'll be the death of me."

"Not if you behave."

Heero snorted.

"Maybe Wufei will tell you you're the real baka. That'll be new."

Heero challenged him decisively.

"Five credits says he won't."

"Twenty says he will."

"Twenty? You spend too much time with Quatre."

"Maybe. But you're still game, yeah?"

"Sure. Twenty that he won't say I'm the real baka."

"Deal."

Waiting until the next day to show up at Duo's apartment with his tail between his legs proved immeasurably difficult. All he could think about was how to apologize for his behavior. He took a personal day from work just to make amends. When he got to Duo's door at 8:00 in the morning with two cups of tea and a box of pastry, the words "I'm sorry" written neatly on the lid, he took a deep breath and knocked.

No one answered. He knocked louder.

"Duo? It's me. Please open the door."

Still nothing. It was unlike Duo to ignore him, and he heard no noise from inside the apartment. Heero was slowly becoming concerned. He could pick the lock but that was definitely a violation of privacy, even if Duo had broken into his apartment in a similar manner. That was different. Heero wasn't angry at the time and they hadn't fought. He was sick, weak, and alone. Duo came to take care of him like they'd promised years before, bringing with him a gesture of immeasurable kindness.

Placing the tea and pastry box gingerly onto the floor, he took out his phone and sent a text.

At your door to apologize. Please let me tell you how sorry I am.

Still no answer.

Heero waited for half an hour seated with his back to Duo's door, the peace offerings now lukewarm next to him. It was only when he was about to give up that he received a text back.

Mission. Will talk later.

He stood abruptly and started at the screen. A mission? Duo was on a mission? He turned from his phone to the door and back again. Duo didn't mention any mission yesterday when things were going well. Was this another of Une's last minute assignments? He just got back from an assignment not two days ago.

A wave of unease took over his body. What if Duo never returned? What if he died and the last time Heero saw him he behaved like a self-righteous asshole? He once again wasn't sure he was equipped to deal with the nature of Duo's job. He hated that about himself. He hated being that guy.

There was one time, as they lay in bed exhausted after an especially needy evening when Duo was in the depths of his depression, that he asked if Duo ever considered a new position. His handsome baka just made a lewd joke, throwing a mischievous look his way along with a wink. While Heero was glad to see Duo's humor remained intact after his four year absence, he kept his target in sight and asked again "would you consider anything less dangerous for work?"

At the time Duo froze and got quiet. The playful smirk on his face fell into a frown and he replied only that it was complicated and he had obligations. Heero knew better than to press the subject any further right then. But there hadn't been a good opportunity to ask again, and Trowa was right. He couldn't delay it forever.

Without thinking he dialed a familiar number and walked back to his car, leaving the tea and pastry to sit outside Duo's door. After three rings his call was answered.

"Trowa, I need your help. Get Chang. I'll be at the office in fifteen."

Upon his arrival he found Wufei already there having a casual conversation with Trowa while drinking coffee. They looked to him with anticipation.

"I thought you took the day off."

Heero frowned. "This is more important." Instantly his two friends straightened their postures awaiting orders. They knew Heero took the day off to make things right with Duo and for anything to rank as more important got their attention. Heero walked to his desk, placed one hand on the top, and then twisted his body while he hopped up to sit on it facing his friends. It was an action they both recognized meant the Japanese man was seriously thinking something through. He didn't sit on top of his desk unless he was deep in thought and ready to share whatever he was thinking.

When Heero bit his lower lip and his eyes shifted away for a few seconds they knew without a doubt something was seriously bothering the man.

"I would like your help today because I plan to make a formal request with Une to have her invite Duo to join our team." His eyes cut to Wufei. "And I'm aware that would likely mean you'd no longer primarily work solo and would instead have him as a full-time partner."

Wufei looked to Trowa and confirmed they were on the same page before addressing Heero. "You know that's not a problem. Maxwell was always an excellent partner and I'd be lucky to work alongside him again. But why are we asking this now?"

"Because…" Heero trailed off looking for the right phrasing. He tapped his fingers along the front edge of his desk. "I've asked about him changing jobs before to something less dangerous. Something where he's not left alone. He alluded to that being complicated but did not explain. So if any of that complication is caused by him thinking there's no place for him with us, I want to remove that obstacle and any doubt in his mind that he's welcome here."

It was Trowa's turn to look to Wufei for confirmation before speaking. "During the week I stayed with him Duo and I also talked about the possibility of him working a more traditional Preventers job. He brushed me off saying if he did that he couldn't meet his obligations."

Heero's interest was so piqued he didn't notice Wufei glancing between them.

"He said something similar to me." Trowa and Heero turned to the Chinese man. "I've been discussing career options with him for some time." Heero looked surprised, and Wufei gave him a sympathetic smile. "I just didn't want my friend to continue living a self-destructive life." The way Heero's eyes softened spoke to Wufei of gratitude and love. It was nice to see so plainly in Heero how much his best friend was cared for. "He said something vague leading me to believe he can't switch his job for financial reasons. It didn't really make sense. We've all seen the small studio he calls a home. I can't imagine it was easy when Trowa stayed there, there's barely enough room for one person. His entire life, outside of his bike, is lived one step above poverty."

Heero was back to biting his lip and avoiding eye contact. He was clearly thinking hard about something when Trowa spoke up.

"It might not make sense but Duo doesn't lie. If he implied there was a financial reason to keep his current job perhaps that's really the case. Was there anything specific he told you, Wufei? Anything at all to suggest where to start or how to convince him to take a step back from all this danger? We've all been coasting on the relative safety provided by his injuries, but he's healthy now. He'll be back to reckless assignments soon."

Wufei shook his head. "No. Nothing stands out."

The three men each became lost in their own thoughts until Heero pushed himself off his desk and back on his feet.

"So for now we ask Une to offer him a role with us. And we make sure when she does he knows we're eagerly inviting him and not being assigned to him. We take out any guess work about our feelings on the matter."

With two emphatic nods to indicate yes, the three made their way to Une's office. Her secretary wasn't thrilled with their lack of an appointment.