-๑-๑ ஜ ๑- Chapter 21: Every breath you take -๑ ஜ ๑-๑-
The raven made something terrifying sound so easy. Shizuo didn't know what to say or even think about what the flea suggested.
The lump inside his throat still refused to leave and the shadow creeping up his spine loved to remind him of how he had felt before coming here.
Like an outcast- no worse.
Like he was the problem itself.
A threat to human kind.
"I can...cut you out of the neck in case you go wild." Izaya continued to speak, the short stop of words bypassing Shizuo´s attention as his blood ran colder and colder at the thought.
"I don't want to," he replied firm, his hands tightening into a locked grip as he directed his eyes towards the ground.
… Izaya understood.
He really did.
Even though everything around him was somewhat a haze. One look at Shizu-chan was sufficient to just know what was on his mind.
Eyes.
Full of pain.
Disgust.
Of course. One of those monsters had put Shizu-chan´s brother into a lifelong comatose state.
Izaya had only considered the benefits so far, how the blond could use his power, maybe even how they might have a chance to defeat the titans.
What hadn't quite circled his mind was how Shizu-chan´s psychological state after what had happened.
He had noticed Shizu-chan was kinda off when he came in, but it was only now that he noticed how off he really was.
Becoming the very thing humanity hated most had to bear a heavy weight on the blond´s conscience. Not to mention not even knowing why.
Izaya could see it, the amount of effort it took for the blond to not freak out.
It was the first time he was seeing these kinds of emotions on the blond´s expression. And it didn't sit well with him at all. Anger was alright, that stubborn frown as well, hell even sadness was something he had seen when he had visited Kasuka. But self hatred was something that just churned his guts all in the wrong way.
"Shizu-chan, that´s not-... " but the raven´s voice cut off with a crack and this time the blond noticed.
In general he suddenly started to notice a lot of things.
The wires for one thing, connected to Izaya's body, the blood infusions- the way dark shadows were creeping underneath the raven's eyes.
He had been so absorbed in his panic, in the adrenaline left from the run, from the fight and what had happened that the simple fact that Izaya was speaking made him forget something important.
The raven´s state.
Machines were working, an irregular beeping sound imitating what Shizuo expected to be Izaya´s heartbeat kept interrupting the guilty silence covering the blond´s shoulders like a blanket of steel.
"What about you? You almost died, yet now you are-" he questioned hesitantly, then paused. It was odd. The wound in his stomach, his legs, the amount of blood he had lost- all of a sudden a feeling of panic was befalling the blond.
Now that he was sitting here, having returned to the safe walls merely a few hours prior how come the raven was so…
"Alive?" Izaya finished the sentence on his mind and lips- and hell somehow it was getting harder and harder to talk. "Shinra treated me to some really nice drugs."
And suddenly the blond felt as though someone had smashed a mirror in front of him as his assessment of the current situation shattered into pieces.
As if on cue the door to the raven's room suddenly flew open. A familiar doctor was revealed, deep frown decorating his expression and expression tense.
"What are you doing here?" It was Shinra.
"Shinra he is just here to-" Izaya started, but a cough interrupted the man- a cough, and red liquid dripping from the man's lips as the scene in front of Shizuo unfolded in all its horrifying glory.
"Shizuo out." It were Shinra´s words. Harsh. Hard. Nothing like he had ever heard him act- a shove was given to his chest and before he knew it, he was outside Izaya's room, inside the corridor and the door was slammed shut.
And suddenly Shizuo spotted what he had neglected before. The carriage. There was a carriage, full with bandages, fabrics stained with blood. But the worst about it was the green mantle Shizuo had used to stop the flea´s wound from bleeding. It was sitting right on top staring.
Full with blood.
"What-"
"Were you the one who saved him?" Twisting his head the blond faced the man who had tried to stick a needle into his arm upon first meeting. Shinra's dad.
"Is this… is all of this Izaya's blood?" Shizuo questioned slowly, the dooming reality starting to sink in.
"It´s your jacket, shouldn´t you know that best?"
Fuck.
He had been talking. Shizuo thought everything was going to be okay because the flea was fucking ranting when he came in so what the hell-
"I wouldn't go in there right now."
Hand resting on the doorknob the blond stopped short at the words. A twist followed, a frown of worry deepening as he faced the doctor.
"What´s going on? He was fine just now! He talked and-"
"Fine? Don't make me laugh, I would be surprised if he survives the night."
And the hole Shizuo felt himself falling into just grew so much darker and deeper.
"...what?"
Like an endless abyss swallowing him whole.
"You saw his wounds. The amount of blood he lost. The cut on his abdomen, not to mention what happened to his legs." Shingen continued, that mask covering whatever expression he could possibly make, but the tune in his voice did enough to imply just how serious the situation was.
And Shizuo´s mind was wiped thoughtless with that.
Stepping backward he let himself fall onto a chair next to the door not even really realizing he did.
He could die.
One after the other the most recent events bypassed Shizuo´s mind. How he got trapped by that titan. Back in the woods. How he had suddenly grabbed him from behind- the way he struggled only to find a blade suddenly in front of his face.
The moment he fell down and spotted Izaya falling right into that monster's mouth.
The rage he felt.
The intent to kill and just get him the hell out of there.
The moment he spotted those wounds. All over the flea. The way his breathing had reduced itself to something that still sent chills down the blond´s spine. The amount of blood he had seen-
The whole long, painful way back-
After everything that happened- he could still die.
Mouth dry, a hint of nausea welled up inside the blond´s chests.
He swallowed hard, tried to get rid of it.
Not again.
And this time it was Kasuka his thoughts trailed to.
Please not again.
They had been at home. Everything was peaceful. Shizuo had complained about something, about Kasuka eating some sweets that belonged to him- he had been mad for something so trivial- and then that eye.
Right above the kitchen counter all light had suddenly been blocked from the kitchen as that huge disgusting eye glanced inside their house.
The roof came down, a hand grabbed his brother and before Shizuo even knew what he had been doing he was outside the house, a tree that had always stood there peacefully, casting a nice shadow on the housesside, was ripped from the ground.
Shizuo didn't even know what he hit, maybe the titan´s eye, maybe something else- he just knew that disgusting creature fell- right on top of what used to be a watermill. And a piece of wood pierced itself through the bastard's neck.
But it had been too late.
Kasuka had lain on the ground. Not moving anymore.
It didn't matter that Shizuo killed the titan.
It had been too late.
He had been useless.
Useless.
And now yet again.
Grabbing his forehead the blond tried to ignore the mixed feeling of helplessness and anger wallowing up inside his chest.
"But he was fine- he-"
"Shinra gave him what he could without endangering his life even more. Adrenaline, painkillers and things alike, to put it simple," Shingen filed the blond in, a mere seconds having passed as those memories ravished the blond´s mind.
"Then why is he-"
"Awake?" the doctor shrugged. "Because he needs to be. Far too many patients who fall asleep in this kind of state never wake up again."
The words felt like a blow to his guts.
Never wake up again.
Exactly like Kasuka.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No-
"If you really want to do him a favour you can replace me." Shingen suddenly said, tearing the blond from his devil´s spiral.
"What?" he questioned slowly, not sure what the hell he could do that would help the flea at this point in time.
Shingen approached the blond with a quick step.
"... you saw the man right?" he questioned lowly, as though he wanted to make sure no one else could possibly catch what he said.
Those words were enough to pull the man back to reality. To the building he was in, the dirty floor, the sound of patients and other people talking down the corridor, and the memory of the shadow of a man. A man that had been standing in front of the raven´s room right before Shizuo arrived.
"They managed to force Shinra out of the room and into some ´interrogation´ but I doubt they will manage to get rid of you as easily."
Right.
The interrogation.
Shinra had been called to one as well- probably led by the same bastards that wanted to make him tell the flea was at fault for the mission´s failure and death of all comrades.
"Trust me, just staying here will contribute more to that man´s survival than you think," Shingen ended and with that he pushed himself off the wall he had been leaning against and took off. Down the corridor the blond had come from.
Shizuo couldn't believe it.
After everything the flea had done, the risks he had taken- even if he did it for his sisters, he was serving the entirety of humanity with what he was doing- and this was how they were thanking him?
And suddenly Shizuo realized why the shadow had seemed familiar and a certain bastard reappeared in his mind.
The man Izaya had called Shiki. The one that followed him outside the walls, rambling about how Izaya should make sure to not come back alone.
Hell- they might as well have ordered that stupid asshole to scream and yell on their trip and draw the attention of any titan´s nearby.
He knew it, from the second he had laid eyes upon that guy his gut´s had told him.
… and yet right now that knowledge gave him no benefit.
Shizuo was alone.
From then on time simply felt like torture.
Minutes passed.
Then an hour.
Two.
Shinra was still in there. Shizuo´s thoughts circulated from the asshole Shiki, to Izaya's condition, Kasuka, to what the hell had happened back in the forest.
Back and forth, back and forth in an endless circle.
Three.
Five.
After a while Shizuo found himself wishing, the door never opened.
If it did and Shinra told him Izaya was dead-
Just no.
He hadn't known this man for long, hell he had first heard his name a mere week ago. But he had helped him. Without Izaya his brother would be dead by now. Hell Shizuo himself would be dead by now if it weren't for him.
He felt like running, yet hard inclined to stay exactly where he was.
He was not going to move even an inch.
The blood sticking to his clothes was starting to dry turning the fabric stiff and itchy.
The longer he sat there, the more he started to notice the fatigue drain his last reserves. He hadn't slept, hadn't eaten, hadn't rested for what must have been more than 24 hours.
The sun was rising again, a whole night had passed and he was still sitting there. Eyes heavy.
It was as though he were on autopilot. The thoughts circulating his mind had become repetitive and numb. Same for his hands that he had folded in his lap.
And then the door opened and Shizuo felt as though his heart stopped short.
Shinra emerged from the room, looking just as if not even more worn out.
For a second the doctor just stared at the blond, probably confused why Shizuo was sitting there in the first place.
"Is he-" Shizuo started, not quite having it in him to finish his words. It seemed to snap the doctor out of his thoughts as he shook his head quickly. A hand found its way through his brown hair and the doctor let himself slump down on the floor next to the blond.
"Thank you," Shinra voiced aloud, taking his glasses off to press against the bridge of his nose. "Thank you Shizuo."
The blond swallowed hard.
"For what?" and just for a second he imagined the next few seconds, imagined the doctor saying something along the lines of "not having left his corpse behind" and a cold shudder travelled down his spine.
"Is he-"
"He is alive," Shinra sighed deeply, relieved, yet his eyes were so full with worry. "Extremely unstable, but alive. And that's only thanks to you."
Alive.
He wasn't dead.
He was alive.
Relief of a degree Shizuo didn't even know he possessed washed over him.
Images of Kasuka flashed by his eyes, lifeless, laying there. An Izaya wearing the same face.
Shinra let his head thud against the wall as he looked at the ceiling, eyes not really focused on anything.
"He lost so much blood, had so many wounds, so many to stitch, so much to fix- even while operating I felt like what I was doing was pointless because he just kept losing so much blood, kept stopping to breathe for a moment before picking up again."
The vivid description caused shivers to run down his spine.
"I thought he was fine, because he talked, he talked so much I thought-" Shizuo repeated, still not getting how he couldn't realize what kind of shape the raven was.
"Never heard a man´s last words Shizuo?" Shinra asked, and it made Shizuo´s stomach only drop deeper.
"Always mumbling, not thinking straight and suddenly gaining a moment of clarity in mind and speech just before they die?"
Fuck.
"You said he is unstable, what do you mean? He is safe now, right?" Shinra nodded, dispersing the blond´s worries.
"He has lost way too much blood, his heartbeat is fluctuating, his breathing out of rhythm, but he won't die. Not as long as I am here." A glance was casted from the side. "And you it seems."
A moment of silence covered the scene.
Shizuo instinctively knew what Shinra was talking about.
That Shiki guy.
Yet he didn't ask about him.
He had a feeling even if Shinra knew what was going on and why, telling him would only worsen the entire situation. Just thinking about how corrupted the people inside these walls were made the blond clench his fists so hard he was afraid he might hurt himself by doing so.
If that guy happened to drop by at the hospital to finish Izaya off, just like Shingen had implied, the blond wasn't sure how far he would go.
Turning right again he wanted to ask Shinra a couple questions, how long the raven had to still stay here, how bad his wounds were, if there was any irreparable damage to his body, but he couldn't ask any of those as the man's eyes had fallen shut.
Softly but surely Shinra´s chest was raising and falling as his head leaned onto the wall.
He was so exhausted he had fallen asleep right where he sat.
Getting up quietly the blond decided not to wake the doctor. At least not right now. He could still ask what he wanted to know later.
Quietly he opened the door to Izaya's room.
The beeping of machines reached his ears before his eyes fell on the raven for the second time that night.
Bandaids, cables and straps were attached to the raven's entire body. His legs were covered completely, his waist attached to a machine by a cable and some infusions were dangling above the bed.
His face was pale as hell.
His brows furrowed even in his sleep.
it made Shizuo wonder whether or not Shinra was still giving him painkillers and if yes what kind of amount.
He hoped it was a lot.
But his chest was moving. Slowly, softly, but steady.
Taking a chair that was standing next to the wall opposing the bed the blond dragged it over and sat down.
The warning still resounded in his ears.
He was not going to set his eyes off the flea until he woke up.
to be continued~
-cough- I'm slow -cough- xD but done with 2updates! xD
I'm still trying to get that updating every story twice a month thing going - so with that said, wish me luck and some god damn motivation to finish the next 5 updates on the 31st of February~! xDDD