CHANGE IN UPDATE SCHEDULE /FUCK 2022

Thanks for sticking with me through the end of 2022! I first published January 1st on and I'm proud to have managed weekly updates here for the whole year (with bonus updates on snow days). I did the same on AO3 once I made an account and caught up chapters to post simultaneously. Unfortunately I will be scaling back to biweekly updates in 2023, at least for a while.

This is for a few reasons.

Firstly, the story is much longer than I anticipated, and immediately became the longest thing I've ever written. Characters have grown into places I did not expect, and in order to do them justice I need to adapt my story. Without a larger buffer the weekly schedule runs the risk of hitting a wall and NOT having anything to publish. I refuse to risk that.

It'll be hard to scale back. I have chapters I really want to share and the delay will hurt.

But the main reason is I've been writing less prolifically all year. My work-life balance was a lot of work and no life, but I tried. Writing, even a little at a time, has been important for me. I managed to write while literally bleeding to death from a medical condition, so when I described the lethargy of losing a lot of blood that was from experience. I wrote while taking time off work to care for family after surgery. Twice. I wrote while on my first vacation in 4 years. I wrote while my home country stripped away my human rights and my other country, one I was naturalized into in order to visit my relatives, began a revolution to gain human rights. I wrote when I didn't know if my friends and family in that country were safe, or if they'd been shot dead in the street by the criminal government while protesting, or were arrested and thrown into prisons to be assaulted and tortured (with all those words imply) before release.

Other protestors are arrested and charged with false crimes, tortured into false confessions, denied a fair trial, and some are sentenced to death. Nearly immediate execution without allowing an appeal has already happened. In one case it was 3 weeks from arrest to hanging. Human rights activists estimate over 19,000 people have been arrested in 3 months. More than 500 people have been killed by the government, including almost 70 children.

Yes, children.

And yet this threat does not stop thousands of people, including people I love, from standing up for their rights.

I am on the outside, a child of diaspora. My experience is not unique. It's nothing, really. But my worry and pain are still real, and from whatever platform I have, I'll spread awareness.

زن زندگی آزادی

Zan, zendegi, azadi.

Woman, life, freedom.

It's been a rough year.

I want you to know I will keep steadfast to my new update schedule. That's a promise. It will not extend longer than 2 weeks between updates unless there are fully unforeseeable circumstances, but at this point what hasn't happened already? I used an alarm system to update on time from 11 time zones away (once mid flight!) and also updated 30 minutes after getting a call that one of my best friends died. I have proven to myself I can keep to a schedule. It would be nice if I could schedule updates in advance, but I can't.

Though honestly? The routine of being forced to log in each week (and because I'm me, read the chapter before posting) has grounded my Saturdays and forced me awake some mornings. It's good for me.

The last 12 months have left me tired, and I'm not doing overly well emotionally. That's a mixed bag for writing. Soon I'll be working 60 hour weeks again. But I can continue to handle this fic on a biweekly schedule.

I know fanfiction is free and authors owe nothing to anyone, but keeping up with a set schedule has carried me through parts of 2022. I'm adjusting my schedule for myself. I don't want to let myself down. It's good for me to do this project and have something steady in my life.

Please give some grace while I slow things down. This is NOT an abandoned fic. It's simply a fic I never saw coming, and one I am committed to fully. With the slow down I've got a few months of buffer before I'm in the zone of REALLY needing to write. But I'm still working, and still thinking, still tweaking what I've already written. My output is not zero, and I expect to wrap this fic up in late 2023. If I catch up sooner than expected I will switch back to weekly chapter updates.

I really appreciate having you all along for this journey. Your comments have brought me a lot of joy in an otherwise bleak world. Some weeks they're the only light.

Stay safe, and happy new year. And if you read this whole note prior to the chapter, please enjoy your tonal whiplash.

Chapter 57: Truth

Duo roughly pushed Heero against the door of his bedroom, hands reaching under his shirt to caress his stomach as his mouth traced kisses over his collarbone. This was, undoubtedly, one of Heero's favorite ways to be welcomed home from work and he had no regrets about making up with Duo the prior evening nor his fumbling confession. How could he regret anything with the feeling of that fiery trail across his skin?

With one hand reaching for Duo and the other fumbling for the doorknob behind him he let out a gasp. Duo's tongue came out to taste him, and he finally managed to turn the damn knob and gain entry to the bedroom. They went stumbling in, Duo's arms steadying him before he fell backwards, guiding him towards the bed. When Heero felt the backs of his legs hit the mattress he slipped his arms to Duo's hips and leveraged his weight to flip their positions, sending Duo falling back into soft blankets. Crawling fully onto the bed Heero kissed Duo fiercely, cupping his face in his hands before running them down his neck, eager to touch all of him.

He stopped cold when his fingers grazed that cursed scar. They were opening up, right? That's what yesterday was? Heero wondered about that scar for months, but never managed to ask about it, afraid Duo would pull away from him. They were good now, though. Probably better than they'd ever been. Heero felt after all they'd weathered that yesterday was a breakthrough. In all the years they'd known each other he couldn't recall them being more open, and he knew in his bones that Duo wanted to tell him he loved him.

At least it was easy to convince himself that was the case.

He could finally ask, right? That scar, seemingly no worse than any other on his lover's body until given the context of location, was a constant reminder of how close Duo came to dying while they were out of contact.

The time he spent lost in thought was all the time Duo needed to take advantage of their situation. Fully focused on Heero, he scooted himself further up into the bed towards the headboard and pulled his lover on top of him. He made quick work of removing Heero's shirt, lightly tracing his hands up and across his chest before pulling him into another searing kiss. It was eager and full of want, but not desperate.

His hands were still entangled in short dark hair when he realized Heero was distracted. The kisses and touches slowed down, and when Heero still didn't react he disengaged. It was unusual for Heero to be unfocused, and he wasn't even making eye contact. Given how willing he was just moments ago Duo felt compelled to find out what was wrong. Using a judo move, he switched their positions and pinned his partner underneath him. That action was what finally made Heero's eyes latch onto his. Straddling Heero's hips, chestnut hair asking to escape the plait of his braid, Duo leaned forward and kissed Heero once more. It started slow and quickly became hungry, but Duo still felt hesitation from Heero's lips. He was responding as if on auto pilot.

This, he thought, must be how it felt for Heero when they had sex after the incident at HQ, and he wasn't fond of it. He wanted Heero to be mentally present. Knowing something was bothering his partner instantly cooled down the heat he felt, even though his needs were still overbearing.

Pulling back he reached out to gently touch locks of soft chocolate brown. "Cariño, what's wrong?" The concern on Duo's face shifted to fear when Heero silently mimicked the gentle motion, but instead of caressing his hair he brushed his fingers across the scar on his neck, his eyes lingering there.

In a low and breathy voice Heero pleaded "I need to know some things first. I've been putting off asking you some questions and I don't think I can put them off any longer."

Careful to keep his expression neutral, Duo's hand lingered in Heero's hair, making soft and slow motions to run the strands through his fingers. His voice was resigned. "Okay. What would you like to know?"

Intense cobalt eyes met his, and Duo dreaded what would come next. It came as a relief when Heero decided to start with easier questions and work his way towards bigger one. He recognized the guarded look in Duo's eyes and chose to handle him more gently than he otherwise would. His hands dropped to Duo's sides and caressed the skin there, running light fingers in soothing motions and sending a shiver up Duo's spine.

"To start, I just want you to know I didn't mean to stalk you for 4 years."

Duo gave him a strange smile that bordered on incredulous.

"It sounds stupid now but if you'd left and asked me not to bother you I never would've done that. I respect your privacy. But you disappeared while I was being an idiot and when I went to find you there was no trace. One week we were dating but arguing and the next you'd quit your job and I found out you abandoned your apartment a full week earlier." He swallowed hard and hoped his eyes conveyed the depth of his feelings. "I didn't know what to do, I was haunted by what I could've done differently. I was haunted by you. All I wanted to do was make sure you were safe, because I was so sure you weren't, but I went about it poorly, with no respect for you at all. I'd take it back if I could. And I'm sorry."

Duo just looked at him, analyzing his words, wondering what he would do in Heero's shoes all those years ago. He didn't know. But he couldn't rule out an exhaustive search if he thought someone he loved was in danger. And even though he'd abandoned his life on his own volition, he was in great pain for a long time. He wasn't stupid. His choices, particularly about his work, were self-destructive. But he wasn't going to give Heero credit for accidentally being right about his safety. Giving that line of thought ground to stand on would undermine so much.

More importantly, Heero was apologizing. It was something he did freely lately that wasn't easy for him before. When he said he grew up, he meant it. The evidence was there, and Duo wasn't about to make light of Heero's growth. The only response he could think of that fit, without judging, or blaming, or giving too much credit, was to respond like he was getting important information while on a mission.

"Okay. Acknowledged and received."

Though he didn't offer forgiveness, Heero was certain forgiveness wasn't necessary. Duo only brought up his behavior one time as an example of something he did wrong, and he didn't appear to hold a grudge about it. He only felt his actions required context as a means of explanation. This was enough closure for that subject, Heero was sure of it.

Next, he took a step into his actual questions.

"Why didn't you ever contact me after you left?"

Duo's expression shifted to something between confusion and scrutiny.

"You do remember how things were between us at the time, yeah?" His lips curled a little to one side. "I kinda figured you wanted nothing to do with me."

"And the others?"

"Same."

That was surprising, and Heero didn't hide it on his face. "Really? You thought they wanted nothing to do with you?"

With a tilt to his head Duo casually drawled "Yeah, Ro. It's not like any of us were really close friends back then. We were friendly at best, but not friends. At least not in the way you mean the term today. Everyone was still pretty raw from the wars and what came before and after, especially you, Trowa, and Wufei. Not a lotta room for having fun or building strong friendships. Kinda a shocker to come back and see all you thick as thieves."

There wasn't much Heero could say to counter that point. It was true they didn't learn how to be real friends, how to lean on one another, or how to cut loose, until after Duo was gone. They'd learned it from necessity because they no longer had Duo to hold them together through sheer force of will. But he didn't think it was the time to admit that, though.

"Why didn't you contact any of us when you knew we were looking for you?"

They locked eyes for a long moment, searching one another for answers unspoken.

"I told you. I didn't want to be found."

The answer wasn't particularly satisfactory, but Heero doubted Duo would give him more information. It was, at minimum, honest. It was also a bit troublesome, but Heero moved on.

"I don't think anyone else noticed, but your hair's shorter than when you disappeared. Why did you cut it? I thought you were protective of its length."

Pain flashed in violet eyes and Duo did something Heero hadn't seen in years. He sort of twitched his way into a smile, his muscles having multiple failed attempts before managing to curve his lips upwards. It was an indication that he'd unknowingly hit on something much more profoundly personal than anticipated. Duo didn't usually fail to hide behind a smile.

"I cut it to my shoulders in grief several months after I left. You're the first person to say anything. Didn't see the Sweepers after that and always had my hair hidden when I saw Une until it pretty much grew back." He paused, as if to consider how much more he should reveal. Then he got a look that told Heero he was going for it. "Zechs is the only one who knows. He's the only one who saw it shorter. I couldn't hide it from him during our prolonged mission, so I just swore him to secrecy. I don't even think he told Noin, I have... sufficient dirt on him to keep him in line." Duo shot him a wry and half-hearted smile. "It's mostly like it was before, just the slightest bit shorter, like an annual trim got a little aggressive. I kinda thought no one else would notice but you're as observant as ever."

Duo gave no further explanation for his grief but it was obvious to Heero what he was talking about. And that fed into his next question.

"Why haven't you talked to me about Hilde? I was waiting for you to say something and…" he trailed off, not wanting his words to cause needless pain. He dropped his hands from Duo's sides and ran them down his forearms, holding and rubbing them as they pinned him in place, partially as a subconscious defensive strategy if Duo made a move to flee. It would be easier to keep him near if he could easily grapple him. He watched Duo break eye contact and look to where his hands now rested.

"Because I'm not yet at the point where talking about her is easy. I can talk about what happened just fine. It's a clinical retelling. Just the facts. But when I talk to you I don't want that. I want you to understand my feelings. Things I have a hard time vocalizing. Things I'm scared to admit even to myself. If I talked to you now it would cheapen everything and that's the opposite of what I want." He looked back to Heero's eyes, and his pain was evident. He looked almost haunted. "And I guess didn't want you to treat me differently, like I was fragile or somethin."

It was a relief to know the information withheld wasn't kept to maintain a distance between them, but to protect Duo from his own sorrow and to eventually gift Heero a real window into his heart. That he cut his hair said more to Heero about the depth of his pain than any words could. He decided to spare Duo further discomfort.

"You're the farthest thing from fragile. You weren't fragile at 15 and you're not fragile now. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and I look forward to the day you are able to open up to me."

Duo's eyes softened then, and a small but sincere smile replaced the painful one from before, which made Heero's heart flutter. He had many little questions left about Duo's life, especially about the four years he was missing, but he felt it time to skip to the biggest question. The one that bothered him most, and kept him up some nights. With one hand still in place, he raised the other, trailing it up Duo's arm. He watched his partner's eyes brighten with excitement at the sensation. Then his hand traced up his shoulder and to his neck, back to that shiny, terrifying scar. His voice dropped to a near whisper, low and intense.

"I need to know about this."

Duo didn't move, and his eyes lost their excitement.

"I thought when you didn't bring it up again after the hospital you were okay with it. I mean you've seen it plenty now. I stopped pulling up scarves and collars to hide it."

Heero's resigned voice repeated "I need to know. I've wanted to know since I saw it. I've come close to asking so many times but I was afraid of how you'd react, and of how it might bring up my inexcuseable behavior at the hospital that day." Duo couldn't help it when his muscles involuntarily tensed. There was no way Heero didn't feel the reaction while still being straddled. As he removed his hand from Heero's hair he straightened his back and shifted his weight onto his knees, now towering over his lover, who was still laying prone.

He closed his eyes and steadied himself internally. He felt Heero reach out to hold both his hands and the gesture gave him the strength to respond.

"What exactly do you need to know?"

"You said it was a year and a half ago. A simple decoy mission. And you saw the shooter and didn't kill him. But I know you. If you saw him, you had a clean shot." Duo nodded and Heero could see how he carefully kept his face neutral. "But you didn't take the shot?"

Duo shook his head.

"Were you in the colonies or Earthside?"

"Earth."

"Decoy for what?"

"Preventers."

"Clarify."

"Preventers agents."

"They were in trouble?"

"Yes."

"What kind of mission were they on?"

"Arms dealers. A gang. A bust."

Heero lightly squeezed Duo's hands but it didn't ease his dread. "One of the dealers shot you?" Duo didn't answer or squeeze back and Heero's mind started working overtime, piecing together from that silence and a sudden lack of eye contact that Duo was trying to avoid lying. If he couldn't confirm one of the enemy shot him, that only left one other option.

"You were shot by a Preventer." His epiphany came tumbling out of his mouth before he could control his tone. The harsh and accusatory way he spat out the words made Duo flinch. He nodded slightly and mumbled "yes," the sound so soft Heero wasn't sure he really heard it.

Then Duo's resolve appeared to collapse. He released Heero's hands and pushed off the mattress, swinging one leg over and across his partner and dropping his whole body onto the bed to lay next to him. They laid shoulder to shoulder looking to the ceiling. It reminded Heero of their time with the Sweepers, not long after meeting. They laid and looked up at the night sky with Duo talking and Heero trying his best to ignore the lively Gundam pilot, uncertain why he chose to stay by his side rather than ditch him and retreat to anywhere he could be alone.

He was glad he stayed. In hindsight he thought that maybe, deep down, he knew how important Duo would become to him. It was silly, but comforting. He enjoyed thinking that even at the pinnacle of his training he still had a heart.

Since that first night they found themselves laying shoulder to shoulder many times, from working out mechanical issues on a vehicle to catching their breath after fast and needy sex. They'd grown accustomed to the position and the comfort of knowing the other was near.

A small voice in Heero's head told him that Duo was banking on this familiar and silent comfort to prevent further questioning. While he couldn't let it go so easily, he could let them enjoy the familiar feeling for a while longer. He didn't want to deny himself the comfort of listening to Duo's soft breathing next to him, and the feeling of his presence at his side. So they laid there, together, until the pressing need to know more couldn't be ignored.

"They know who you were?"

"Hm?"

"The agent who shot you. Did they know who you were."

"Pft. 'Course not."

"But you saw this person clearly."

"Yeah."

"They shot you, so they obviously saw you."

"Seeing someone doesn't mean you recognize them."

"You're sure you weren't recognized?"

"Hundred percent."

Heero let that sink in. He trusted Duo, and though he wasn't satisfied yet he was glad to know there was no possibility the shooter purposefully hurt him. He'd hate to find out one of his fellow agents was a threat. Anyone who hurt Duo on purpose was, in his eyes, a threat.

He let the silence hang between them a little longer, listening to Duo breathe. When he thought he might catch his partner off guard, he continued his line of questioning.

"Anyone I know?"

Duo didn't answer, and Heero assumed that meant yes. His mind went blank for a moment as it sometimes did when he processed information. It was a phenomenon he knew well even though it didn't appear to make sense. His whole mind would clear of thoughts but he still felt it working. Like background processes on a computer, his brain silently kept piecing information together until whatever he needed to digest was ready to be put into coherent ideas.

Then his heart skipped. There was one agent he knew who crossed paths with Duo. He also conveniently interrupted Heero the last time he tried to ask Duo about the scar. He hoped with everything in him it was not this man. They weren't on the best of terms anyway, never had been. But Duo appeared to have some kind of friendship with him. They'd gained each other's trust and an easy-going rapport. But Heero wasn't certain he could ever forgive him if he'd shot Duo.

"Was it Zechs?"

He could hear Duo's rueful grin as he replied "No, it was not."

The answer was relieving, but still placed him back at square one. Who was on a case involving a gang and arms dealings a year and a half ago? No, now it was almost two years ago. And more importantly who—

Electricity shot through him, and he stopped breathing. He was thinking in terms of a year and a half without considering added time. It was a rookie mistake, and one he couldn't believe he made. There was nothing he knew of that was currently a year and a half old, but there was a case he knew well involving organized crime and arms deals that happened almost two years ago.

While infiltrating a warehouse where a gang ran their operations, two senior agents leading a small team found themselves outnumbered and completely out gunned. They were stuck. Several members of their team were wounded, all pinned in position under heavy fire and out of viable options for escape after three hours of attempting to extricate themselves. The warehouse was unexpectedly a dead zone for communications and they couldn't call for backup. Eventually when they didn't check in Une would send a team, but there was no way to know when. They'd been pinned in location early. It would be hours before they were expected to report back.

The arms dealers were clearly having fun taunting the Preventers agents. They waited for them to risk breaking cover in attempts to move into more offensive positions. When that happened, they shot round after round off to show their superiority. They shot at the agents. They shot in the air. They shot nearby on crates or on the ground. Anything to create as terrifying an experience as possible. They knew they were in control, and they wanted to have some fun before killing the squad. In all likelihood they'd have finished the job, too, if not for a series of terrifying explosions that came from the direction of their armory.

Gang members scattered, not knowing what to do and losing all semblance of order. That's when the agents were able to make a move and get the jump on their targets. They broke free from their positions, picked up new weapons from the gang's stash, and took control of the warehouse, arresting all the key players.

Heero felt his hands begin to shake and he couldn't hide it. His breathing quickened and his heartbeat was loud in his ears. It had to be that mission. The timing, the description...

"Was it me, or was it Wufei?"

Feeling Duo move he turned his head to see the former Deathscythe pilot now laying on his side and fixing him with a solemn look. "Heero. No one even knew I was Earthside."

The answer did nothing to alleviate the growing panic in him. He felt like his heart was going to break one of his ribs. The case was originally assigned to Wufei but for the raid portion he needed a larger team and a partner. It was a difficult mission, and Heero was chosen to back him up.

He forced his gaze to remain on Duo's face and not deviate to the scar on his neck when he asked more forcefully "Was it me, or Wufei?"

"Heero..." Duo's voice drifted, trying to sooth the intensity out of his partner. "I was never mad. Things happen in the line of duty, you have to kno—" he stopped and bit his lower lip when Heero shot him one of the coldest and most desperate glares he'd seen since the wars. There was no backing out now. No delay tactic that could trick Heero into dropping the subject. He braced himself as he broke the news.

"You. It was you."