Chapter 58: Perspective

"Quatre I don't know what to do. I can't even think about him without hating myself how can I look at him?"

"You said he forgave you—"

"But I can't forgive me!"

"Well you're going to have to."

"I could have killed him, Quatre! I almost did! And I don't even remember doing it!"

"Heero..."

"I've been over it in my head again and again. Ran through the mission. Read my report. Read everyone else's reports. I pulled my body cam footage but it's not part of the recording. You know how that works... when you're in the middle of a chaotic three dimensional fire fight there are targets that aren't directly in front of you. Not everything is recorded. I've done everything I could to put myself back there and figure out how this could happen, and fuck me, he was right!" His voice broke then, but he hurriedly continued "I just didn't recognize him!"

"You didn't know."

"I should have known."

"How?"

"I just should have!"

"I thought you were a reasoned man, Heero. None of this is reasonable."

"And if it was you shooting at Trowa after failing to recognize him?"

"Then it would hurt my heart and I'd have a very hard time dealing with it. But I'd have to move on knowing he still loves me, he understands it was unavoidable, and he knows I'd never intentionally harm him."

Heero was silent then. Quatre wasn't sure if that was a good or bad sign. There was so much anguish in his friend's voice it physically hurt to hear him. He glanced up at Trowa who was quietly watching his end of the conversation. They were on their way to dinner when Heero called broken and distraught, and they spent the last fifteen minutes sitting in the car. Trowa signaled him early on to ask if they should grab takeout but Quatre shook his head no. He'd been looking forward to going out all week while stuck in meetings and coordinating security. He wasn't going to give it up so easily. But he wasn't going to abandon Heero, either.

"Heero... you've been going over this in your mind for two weeks now. Has beating yourself up for something Duo repeatedly told you is not a problem helped you work through this? Or is it dividing you?"

Again there was silence.

"When did you last see him?"

Quatre slid lower into his seat and mouthed I'm sorry to Trowa. It warmed him when Trowa silently mouthed I love you in reply before reaching over to hold his hand.

"Five days ago."

Quatre's brow furrowed and Trowa gave him a questioning look. "Five days? I thought Duo was stopping by daily to see you."

"He was. He's not anymore."

Quatre moved his hand, with Trowa's still intertwined, and held it to his heart. The undeniable sorrow in Heero's voice as he admitted Duo was giving up on him sent deep ache through the blonde. He closed his eyes and let it wash over him until the wave of grief subsided. With Quatre's silence Heero continued.

"I did not... react well to the news. After a lot of yelling he stormed out. I was worried. I thought this was it. I'd destroyed everything again. But the next day he was back. And I... I still wasn't good. I tried but. For over a week he checked on me every day and each time I was selfish and I couldn't." He paused, collecting himself. "I couldn't look at him. I couldn't do anything except ruin things. He told me to get my shit together and call him."

Trowa was worried. Quatre looked like his heart was being slowly ripped out. If they were home or anywhere but the car he'd take him into his arms and hold him while he experienced this pain but here all he could do was squeeze his hand and wait. It was a few days ago that Quatre admitted he wasn't sure how much longer he could keep answering these calls from Heero. They were taking a toll.

"Heero. He came to see you for what? Nine days? Ten? He obviously wants to be with you. You need to make the next move. He already told you what to do."

"Okay."

"Just try."

"Okay."

"He'll appreciate the effort."

"Yeah. Okay."

Quatre's body began to lose its tension and he relaxed into the passenger seat, nearly releasing his hold on Trowa's hand. In response, Trowa lightly squeezed his hand with reassurance and then released the grip he had, slipping his hand behind Quatre's head to pet his hair. The gesture usually soothed him.

"Quatre?"

"Yes Heero?"

"Thanks."

"Not a problem."

"How are you? I called and went right into my own problems. But we haven't found Chevalier yet, and I should've asked after you. I'm being selfish. Are you and Trowa okay?"

Quatre smiled weakly. It was nice to know Heero wasn't entirely stuck in his own head space, but he didn't want to go into details with Trowa sitting next to him. He didn't want to discuss how after he lashed out at Duo over Easter Trowa once again gave him the cold shoulder and moved into a spare bedroom. It took days to get back to mostly normal. The last thing he wanted to do was think about how his behavior was jeopardizing his own relationship.

"We talked, and for now we're good. As for the rest? I'm dealing. Honestly hearing your problems is a nice distraction from my own. You're not selfish at all. You've not been selfish since the day we met."

Heero hesitated. "Okay. Please know I'm still thinking of you, even when I'm stuck on my own things."

"I know, Heero. You're a good friend. Thanks."

When the line disconnected Quatre let out a huge sigh. He turned to Trowa, their eyes locking. Words were not needed. They communicated just fine silently gazing at each other, knowing Quatre needed another ten minutes just to breathe and recoup. Trowa continued to thread his fingers through blonde hair. Dinner would wait until Quatre was ready.

"You gotta be fucking kidding me."

When Duo sat down at a diner for a quick bite to eat he didn't expect an anguished looking Wufei to slip into the booth and sit across from him. He knew eating in was a mistake. Fuckin' booths, he thought. No good escape from a fucking booth.

Wufei went straight to the point. "There's things we need to say."

After his blow out with Heero and subsequent failed attempts to smooth things over Duo was not in the mood to be lectured. It was obvious his friends were up in his business again and he was getting tired of having to constantly share his feelings. "No there aren't. I just want to have my lunch in peace." He signaled the server.

"It won't take long."

Wufei was ignored as the server approached. "Hey! Can I get my order to go please? I changed my mind and won't be staying."

Dark eyes shot a deadly glare at the server. "Ignore him, I'm leaving soon." Not knowing what to do the server glanced to Duo, who was shooting daggers at his companion. With Duo neither confirming nor denying anything she backed away and let them be.

"Wufei what are you—"

"Shut up, Maxwell. You're being an idiot again."

Duo growled out "Repeat that, you asshole!"

Wufei simply stared him down, his arms crossed over his chest. This Duo sitting before him was very similar to the one he met in the war. Less reason, more reaction. This was the explosive Duo from their youth, and that meant his friend was hurting.

"I heard what happened. How you got that nasty scar." Duo huffed and rolled his eyes. "Yuy is being irrational and I'm sorry he's coping so poorly that it's hurting you. Honestly you deserve better than the man he's being right now."

The anger previously about to erupt out of the braided man deflated when Wufei's words sank in. He swallowed and looked confused. "You..." He couldn't find words and his mouth just hung slightly open for a while as he became truly baffled. It pained Wufei to see.

"Duo. You haven't been in touch with myself, Sally, or Trowa since Heero went unhinged." It didn't escape notice how Wufei omitted Quatre, but the accusation hurt.

"I've texted you all back and you damn well know it. Ask Trowa if you don't believe me! I'd bet my damn bike Sally already told you I replied to her the second she got my text."

Wufei still looked displeased and Duo wasn't quite sure what he wanted, but he didn't need to wait long for his friend to explain.

"I'm holding up my end of the deal and being direct with you to, you know, avoid feats of strength as our primary communication method." Wufei saw the start of a smile on Duo's face and it encouraged him. "As such, I'm here to remind you that running isn't your only option and neither is being alone. You do have friends and we care."

It was then that the server tentatively approached with a large plate, pointing to Duo's sandwich and gesturing to question if it should be placed in front of the American or bagged. Wufei pointed to the table and the order quietly slid into place before the server disappeared.

Duo vigorously rubbed at his face and looked up to Wufei. "First of all, I dunno why everyone seems to panic and assume one argument with Heero is gonna destroy us and send me running."

"It's more than one argument, Duo. You're always up and down with him and this is a series of consecutive arguments."

Duo looked out of patience and something about that pleased Wufei.

"Uh, no. You're wrong. This is the first real problem we've had that lasted more than a day. It's one argument spaced out. Not a series. And it's not going to send me running." A determined and proud glint in his eyes flashed towards Wufei. "When I was spiraling I held onto him, thank you very much. We're learning. Getting used to each other again and making adjustments. Nothing's perfect from the start, but I'm not running. Hell, I kept returning to him! I'm so tired of people assuming I'm bailing at the first sign of trouble."

Wufei was certainly pleased, but he hid his smiled as he responded "good."

Duo wasn't done yet. "And we established I ain't runnin anytime soon before you tossed me into a supply closet! You can let it go, Chang!"

Wufei finally allowed himself that grin. "You were gone for four years, I've earned a little worry."

"Oh fine, rub that in why don'tcha? But I won't disappear again without callin you. I'll never disappear on my family, that much I can promise."

Wufei visibly relaxed. Lately Duo was emphasizing how they were family, and it eased his mind on a great many things. He had no doubt one of the best decisions he ever made was to admit to Duo he considered him one of his own. He didn't realize how important that was to Duo. It felt an awful lot like he'd fulfilled a longstanding desire his friend was terrified to ever admit he wanted, but it also opened their friendship up to something even deeper than before. He knew Duo spent at least some time in an orphanage as a child, and he wondered if anyone ever tried to adopt him. Maybe not. Maybe he was overlooked and it scarred him. But now Duo was basking in a sense of belonging, and to be the one to gift him that was a great honor. Duo wanted a family, and Wufei missed his. Their connection made both of them feel more whole and less damaged.

He couldn't help the small smile on his face as he told Duo "I'm glad you're not always an idiot. A shame when you're not, he is."

Violet eyes looked amused. "You let him know he's an idiot?"

"Yes. So what was your second point?"

Duo shifted in his seat. "Secondly I can't take his guilt. I'm not some fool forgiving him because I have feelings for him. I'm a rational person. As a soldier you shoot at the enemy. I was not in Preventers gear. I was not part of your team. He was well within his rights to shoot!"

Wufei studied his friend as he spoke. Though Duo was not one to lie it surprised him how every word was sincere. He really did not blame Heero. "Have you considered you've had more time to process this than him?"

Duo choked out a hollow laugh. "Dude I didn't blame him the day it happened." He suddenly looked exhausted. "You know I'm supposed to be considering if I'm gonna take that job and be your partner. Instead I'm dealing with a whole lotta shit I didn't even make."

"I don't think" Wufei slowly posited "that the job offer has an expiration date." The small quirk of Duo's lips encouraged him. "And I'd be honored to work alongside you again." Pausing to gauge Duo he saw his friend ease up and immediately look a little less tired. He was happy to see pain and frustration weren't hitting him too harshly. "Take your time to figure out what you want. Please don't let that baka ruin your life for you. Only you can do that."

Duo laughed brightly. It was followed by a curious smile spreading over his face. "You really think I deserve better than that idiot?"

Relief rushed over him as Wufei saw that teasing glint in Duo's eyes. "With the way he's currently behaving? Yes."

Duo chuckled, amused by the answer. "Honestly? He's kinda behaving like me, isn't he? Spiraling because he's stuck in his own head. And he's not listening to me. I'm too involved."

Wufei perked up. "So you did notice!"

An annoyed look spread across Duo's features. "Yeah, man." He then abruptly smiled, and pointed to his face. "I'm not as dumb as I look!" Just as quickly as it appeared, the smile vanished and his hand dropped. "I just hope he gets the perspective he needs. For that I had you but I don't know who Heero has. I really tried but every time I showed up it only upset him more. As much as it hurts to admit, right now I'm not what he needs. So I just have to wait and hope he figures it out before too long."

Duo's honesty was refreshing, but Wufei could tell his friend was becoming uncomfortable with his own emotions. In an effort to deflect from how heavy things became, Wufei raised a hand to stroke his chin and dramatically pondered "maybe he'll ask Relena..."

Instantly Duo snapped "you shut your face you sonofabitch!" but his smile made it clear he wasn't angry, and was in on the joke. "I don't even wanna start on her."

"Well she's the closest thing he's got to that trope of an 'ex who became a friend'. Only makes sense he'd ask her about his current relationship."

The mood suddenly shifted. Duo's spark of humor faded and was replaced with something much more sincere. He leaned back a little, slouching slightly in the booth and sliding a bit lower into the seat. He crossed his arms in front of his chest. The whole series of actions were casual, but left Wufei on edge.

"Is that true?" Duo tilted his head and eyed Wufei intently. "Because he definitely picked up a few moves he didn't know before we broke up. Are none of those people exes, or did none of them become friends?"

Unprepared for the question, Wufei didn't know what to say. It was true that Heero hadn't stayed celibate for those four years. He searched for Duo, but he also had needs and spent a lot of the time he wasn't looking for Duo trying to find himself.

"Shouldn't you ask him that?"

Nonplussed, Duo answered "I'm asking you."

With a heavy sigh, Wufei decided the best thing to do would be to tell the truth. He felt nervous energy, not knowing what to anticipate from his friend as he spoke. "Heero did go out with a series of people, yes. But I wouldn't say he dated anyone. He never seemed to care for any of them. From what I could tell they were diversions. The only ones anyone met were by accident."

He watched Duo tilt his head to the opposite side. A lopsided grin spread over his face. "So pretty much what I expected."

That was not in the realm of responses Wufei would have imagined. He didn't expect a fit of jealousy but he didn't expect outright acceptance.

"That's it?"

"We all got pasts."

"Do you?"

The grin on Duo's face changed tones and became self-deprecating. He was good at subtly shifting his smiles to convey very different meanings.

"Dude I went from Heero to an unhealthy rejection of any human interaction at all, then back to Heero. My past outside of him is non-existent. Back in the day when we were casual I tried dating other people but I just didn't like anyone. I may flirt, but I'm initially shy for anything else. Gotta really like the person, and I just... never liked anyone much. I'm not like you, whose heart breaker status is so epic it moves beyond hearts." He leaned forward and whispered "You know your love life nearly broke my cover on a mission?"

Wufei's eyes narrowed and he felt himself become defensive. "What does that even mean, Maxwell?"

Slowly Duo uncrossed his arms and raised both hands in a measured shrug. "Just sayin I ran into Su-ji about two years into my disappearing act and she remembered me, and recognized me, which is sayin something since we only met twice and I didn't exactly look the same."

The color drained from Wufei's face. His eyes darted around the room as if to make sure the aforementioned woman was not lurking somewhere. Then he leaned forward and whispered urgently "You ran into Su-ji and are only just now telling me?"

Perking up like a flower given water, Duo straightened his posture and smiled ear to ear. His eyes were beaming. "Yeah, did I forget to mention that? How strange of me to withhold that information until this very moment." Wufei's amusement with Duo's tone was unable to overcome his paranoia and it showed on his face. Duo ate it up. "She was still angry at you and requested I tell you that you're a piece of shit for taking her on her dream vacation and breaking up with her while there. Her friends thought you were proposing!"

Wufei promptly turned red and asked with urgency "After only two months of dating?"

"Hey, don't shoot the messenger."

"How could I even know what her dream vacation was? We barely knew each other!"

"Stranger shit's happened, my friend."

The urgency did not leave his voice as Wufei asked "Like what?"

Taking his time and drinking in the panic on his friend's face, Duo thoroughly enjoyed himself. Pulling the rug out from under Wufei was never an easy task but it was rewarding. He finally answered when he saw Wufei's short patience begin to crack.

"Like coming back and finding you have a steady and healthy relationship with Sally. When I disappeared you were on what? Girlfriend number 40? Now you're in a long term relationship! And she's great!"

He watched Wufei outright pout and struggled not to laugh at him.

"I did not date 40 women!"

"Does it really matter? You could date the whole city, it wouldn't matter. You found a good one. She loves you. Hold onto her."

Something in Duo's tone hit Wufei as profoundly sad. He looked at his friend for a moment, really looking at him. Duo appeared a bit... broken. And wistful.

"Heero loves you."

In response Duo dropped eye contact and muttered "he says it, sure."

Wufei flinched.

"You know Heero loves you."

It wasn't a question, and Duo didn't answer. But he didn't react either. Normally he'd look a little embarrassed by such direct wording but he just kept looking off to the side, not meeting Wufei's gaze.

"Duo."

"Drop it."

"Duo!" Wufei's voice became more urgent.

"I said drop it."

"You really don't know?"

Those words made violet eyes dart over to meet Wufei's. There was pain and uncertainty in those eyes Wufei hadn't seen before. It occurred to him that Duo was putting on quite a show for others if he'd been hiding that much. He desperately wanted to know for how long this was eating at his friend.

"You really don't know the meaning of drop it, Wufei?"

"Talk to me, dumbass!"

"Fuck you."

Losing patience, Wufei spat out "What the hell did Heero do to make you doubt him?"

The biting way in which he spoke silenced Duo, who took a moment to process what happened and how to respond.

Duo looked hurt, but after a pause Wufei saw his friend register that he wasn't being attacked, Heero was. It was good to see firsthand that Duo was realizing they really were best friends, and he would always first be on his side no matter what. Maybe Duo's answer would change that, he wasn't a man to blindly backup a friend when they were in the wrong. He proved with their tip to Dragon Kwoon that if Duo was misbehaving, he'd not let it slide.

And then, after Duo realized he somehow wasn't automatically the bad guy, Wufei watched him figure out his words.

"He... said something. And in the moment it didn't feel quite so bad but after..." Duo trailed off and broke eye contact again for a moment. His hands shifted to play with the hem of his shirt. "I'm seeing the whole thing from the start in a new light. And I think..." When Duo's eyes settled back on Wufei they held an intensity about them. "I think he's in love with an idea of who he wants me to be. Not who I actually am."

The words hit Wufei like a punch to the gut.

"What. What did that bastard say?"

A wry smile crept its way onto Duo's face and it was clear as day he wasn't trying to hide how much he hurt. He just didn't know how to do anything other than attempt to smile.

"Basically that we need to break up unless I uproot my entire life for him and change who I am."

Wufei was stunned into silence.

"I'm not gonna. Not for him, anyway. But it certainly doesn't provide much of a solid foundation, does it?"

"Shit!"

Duo smiled. "Yeah. Shit."

"Duo, I—"

"Tell me, Wufei. How the hell did you land a woman like Sally?"

When his friend looked confused by the subject change, Duo forged ahead. "I'm really not up for dissecting my problems. I know how I feel, or I did before..." he raised his hand and made a circular gesture to signal the rest of the story, cutting eye contact. "And now I'm not so sure. I don't know how to feel. I'm really fuckin hurt, over a number of things, and I'm not sure what's in my head or what's real. But I'm absolutely sure I want to hear a nice story. One that's working out. And I wanna feel like myself again. Tell me something nice and let me feel something good."

He looked back to Wufei. "I'm asking you directly, without feats of strength, to do me a favor, shoot the breeze with me, drop the heavy stuff, and tell me how you landed a woman like Sally so I can feel there's hope in the world."

Wufei's eyes softened then, and he let his guard down slightly. While he didn't think it was the proper time or place to tell his happy love story, he'd do anything to accommodate Duo when for once in his life he was directly expressing his needs. And the mention of feats of strength signaled a friend reaching out while holding firm to their unique connection. It seemed those words were now forever established as one of their inside shorthands.

"I had a mission go badly. Nothing too awful, but my team was ambushed and I ended up in the hospital with a good deal of pain. Sally wasn't on call that day. I'm not sure where she was. But I realized when I was in that hospital bed waiting to be seen that the person I most wanted with me was her. So I decided to explore that. We'd worked well professionally for years. Friendly, but never truly friends outside of Preventers. When I confirmed what I was feeling I asked her out. She agreed because she thought it was a joke."

Duo relaxed as Wufei told him the tale. He thought it adorable how his friend smiled as he recalled realizing he had romantic feelings for a colleague and sometimes friend. Wufei deserved the type of stability his relationship with Sally brought, and Duo's own instability couldn't damper how happy he was for his friend. He was allowed to feed his tired soul vicariously. There was nothing wrong with seeking joy in others when he had none of his own. And he truly loved how his friend's eyes brightened the more he spoke.

"She was shocked when I followed through on the date. But it went well, and she reluctantly agreed to see me again."

Unable to help himself, Duo exclaimed "Lucky number 41!"

Wufei frowned, once more on edge, but this time there was hint of something different. He was playing the part of being annoyed. It confirmed he was letting the hard part of their conversation go for Duo's sake and trying to keep things normal. The gesture did not go unnoticed. "I did not date 40 women before her!"

Duo got a little quiet and serious as he asked "you didn't tell Sally what happened at Quatre's, did you?"

When Wufei looked a little guilty, he had his answer.

"Was I not supposed to?"

"Nah, it's fine. Just keeping track of how many people are gonna ambush me over which bullshit."

Wufei nodded, looking relieved. Duo decided to change the subject.

"Okay. I can't let this slide it was totally 40 women." He saw Wufei's eyes flare with annoyance but paid him no mind. "It was what? Five years? Ya joined Preventers a year after the last war and started to branch out. So like, five years worth of dating. And most of them lasted a month but some lasted two or three. So let's go with what? Conservatively five or six ladies a year? That'll take it down to 25 or 30 women prior to me disappearing and you weren't even seein Sally the whole time I was gone."

Duo could almost see Wufei's brain buffering. He knew his math checked out. Years ago he and Heero would joke about the seemingly endless string of relationships Wufei found himself in. The man was a serial monogamist, incapable of staying with anyone for long. They theorized their friend either had no idea what he wanted in a relationship, or he was so sure of what he wanted he could tell within a few weeks if the relationship met his rigorous standards. To return and find out Wufei and Sally were together nearly two years was nothing short of amazing.

It gradually became apparent that Wufei was not going to break from his daze any time soon without intervention. Duo looked at the table, spotted his nearly forgotten sandwich, and pointed to it, offering half to his friend. It was enough to grab Wufei's attention. With one disgusted look he declined the offered food and waved for the server to return.

"Maxwell, I'm not eating that!"

"Aw, come on man. It's not so bad!"

"No!"

"Come on!" Duo picked up half his sandwich and held it out across the table to Wufei's face, waving it a little to taunt him. Wufei moved to dodge the offending food as it kept inching closer.

"Get that nutritional wasteland away from me, you asshole!"

"Just try a bite."

"I'm not putting that in my mouth."

Duo's hand stopped cold and a smirk grew on his face. "Really? And here Su-ji said you were pretty adventurous with what you'll do with your mouth."

Wufei froze and turned a deep scarlet shade that Duo had never seen before. For all their teasing since the first war this was a wholly new reaction from Wufei. It thrilled him to be the cause of such utter mortification.

"Wait is that true? I just made it up!"

Wufei responded angrily but the color did not recede from his face. It wasn't even just his cheeks it was his entire face and neck. "Get your mind out of the fucking gutter, Maxwell!"

Duo only smiled more brightly. It was an honest smile. Nothing pretend, just pure happiness. "I don't see what's so wrong with The Fucking Gutter so long as everyone's having a consensual time."

"Maxwell!"

His tone became playful and wistful. "For a while I actually lived in a gutter. It's kinda like mentally goin home."

"You street rat bastard."

"Snobbish prude."

"Horny son of a bitch who can't get any."

Duo grabbed a butter knife and dramatically pretended to stab himself in the heart. "Et tu, Chang?"

Their server came by, and eyed Duo's death scene warily. Wufei placed an order, and the server left them to whatever they were doing. For the remainder of their time at the restaurant they were just two friends having lunch together, endlessly talking.

Wufei was relieved that his worry was for nothing. He still had causes for concern, some newer than others, but for the first time he felt Duo really wouldn't run. He was confident Duo would talk to him and lean on him like friends should, and it eased a weight on his heart that was much heavier than he'd previously acknowledged.

Duo felt his spirits lifting. His good mood would likely fade as soon as Wufei left, but it didn't mean it wasn't real. He felt a little bad about it, after Wufei came to him as a true friend, but he also had a little more information for his investigation.