NOTE: A reminder that there will occasionally be phrases used by characters that are not spoken in English. I've written it to flow with context, and recommend waiting until the end to get those translations if you need them.

Chapter 59: Enough

The pleading tone of Heero's voice when he called to ask Duo over for dinner was exactly pathetic enough to make it impossible to refuse. Not that Duo had any plans to turn him down. He was just happy to be invited because that meant Heero was finally willing to see him. Hopefully it also meant his presence wouldn't cause Heero more pain.

Glancing in the mirror before heading out, Duo paused. Hiding his apparently cursed scar was something he did only after Quatre found him in the hospital because he didn't want any questions. With his secrets revealed it didn't matter if he covered it up. Or it didn't until Heero found out how he got it and began to suffer incredible, relationship-ruining guilt every time he laid eyes on the thing.

Should he cover it, given Heero's reaction?

He scoffed at himself and headed out the door. Heero's comfort didn't dictate his life. He'd wear his favorite sweater because he liked it. And if Heero actually got over himself it shouldn't matter what he wore and how it did or did not hide his scar.

The strange situation they found themselves in, fighting over an accident that was well over and done with, wasn't something he thought about as he made his way over to Heero's on his bike. He didn't think about much on the ride over at all, partly because thinking about the last two weeks was painful. But standing in front of Heero's door his brain began to work again, and two things surprised him.

First, that he was not nervous. Part of him expected to feel the familiar thrum of nervous energy before seeing Heero again, but it just wasn't there. He wondered if maybe his calm demeanor was spurred by his confidence that he was in the right when it came to their stupid argument and it was his partner who ought to be nervous. At least he hoped so.

And second, more strangely, he noted his lack of excitement to see Heero after several days apart. That was troublesome. Normally he'd be thrilled to spend time with the Japanese man but right now he was so hurt from so many fights and rejections that the excitement was gone. It didn't help that as he was turned away and rejected for ten days, the feeling that maybe Heero didn't love him only grew stronger. He tried to keep those doubts at bay, but they returned time and again. If Heero loved him, why would he start fights and eventually refuse to even answer his door when his whole purpose for stopping by was to assure Heero he did nothing wrong?

Duo couldn't help but wonder if things were extra hard because Heero couldn't see him as he was, only as he wanted him to be. That thought was painful enough that he tried to avoid it entirely. He wanted to ask directly. He wanted to question Heero. But he'd made a tradeoff already, too soon to realize what he was giving up. When he told Heero they were even, him for not mentioning knowing Japanese and Heero for pursuing a relationship knowing the whole time it couldn't work without Duo making major life changes, he'd sealed his fate.

Heero wouldn't be angry at him for understanding over a decade of curses and one admission of personal feelings.

Duo wouldn't be angry over being deliberately conned into a relationship, and how that behavior clouded everything they had and made him feel like Heero didn't actually want him as he was, but only wanted a version of himself that didn't exist.

He no longer considered it a fair trade, but he was a man of his word.

In the back of his mind he hoped, as he knocked, that the excitement would return and his worrying would be for nothing. Maybe actually being with Heero would help him forget his doubts. Maybe he was too stuck in his own head. Talking to Wufei was the closest he came to telling anyone how he was feeling, but he wasn't in the headspace to dive into it. Especially not without more evidence. Especially not when he viscerally felt his walls coming back up to shield him from pain.

Their reunion was awkward, with Heero pulling him into a hug and professing how sorry he was and Duo half heartedly returning the gesture.

"I'm such a mess. How do you put up with me?"

Heero's blue eyes were full of hope, and part of that faded when Duo replied without any of his usual jest "I don't. That's why I kept leaving for the last two weeks."

It was only when he followed Heero into the kitchen that Duo's mood improved. Heero Yuy, by some miracle, had tried his best to make tamales from scratch.

As Duo watched familiar looking bundles of corn husks get pulled from a steamer, a lot of the resentment he hadn't even realized he'd held melted away. For two weeks Heero's treatment of him fell short of every reasonable expectation and he was feeling devalued. Every time he came to Heero's apartment he was turned away, made to feel like he was somehow less when Heero refused to look at him, or they had an argument. But this? This gesture was something he never considered as a possibility.

Maybe Heero did see him and love him, because his effort in cooking was meant to tangibly demonstrate how much he cared. Tamales were a labor of love, and Heero finding a recipe and following it to his best ability was a gesture of real affection. The force with which this revelation hit Duo almost took the air right out of his lungs, but a half second later he realized it technically didn't change his doubts.

Tamales were from his past. It only made sense that the version of himself Heero wanted to be with would also look upon them with the same affection.

He kind of hated himself for those thoughts, and suddenly felt horribly let down.

Heero apologized for the tamales being "kind of weird" and he was right. Texturally the masa was too mushy. Half were over-filled and the other half were under-filled, which was quite the achievement for a man so often accused of being a perfectionist. Whatever recipe he used included chopped olives in the filling which Duo didn't care for one bit. He had to refrain from making a face when the first pocket of salt and brine unexpectedly hit his tongue, but the company over dinner was nice. The gesture was sincere.

He ate five of those strange and inconsistent things.

Dinner was uneventful and normal, which was almost everything Duo wanted. No mournful looks, no strange stares. While that was an improvement there was something about the dynamic between them that still felt... off. It took Duo most of their meal to realize that some sort of invisible barrier was between them now. Heero was holding back emotionally. He couldn't pinpoint exactly how but he felt it in his bones.

After dinner Duo helped Heero clean the kitchen, ignoring his objections. The very domestic rhythm was better than anything Duo expected that evening and his doubts about Heero quickly slipped his mind. He loved quietly working side by side no matter the task at hand. From working on Gundams to household chores, there was a deep familiarity to being in sync and exchanging only a few words at a time.

When the kitchen was fully back in order and Heero was washing the last few dishes, Duo stalked up behind him, wrapped his arms around his waist, and pressed his chest against Heero's back as he laid his head on his shoulder. The unexpected action caused Heero to jump a little and turn startled blue eyes only to find a mass of light brown hair.

"I missed this." Duo's voice was muffled in his shoulder but Heero caught the words.

He continued with his task, thankful his complexion could mask slight blushes. "Me too, Duo. I really missed having you nearby."

Duo breathed him in, enjoying the scent that was uniquely Heero. "I'm so glad you called. The last thing I wanted was to hurt you or rush you into anything. It seemed like that's all I did when I came by. That's why I decided to stay away, even though it was difficult."

Leaning his head to the side to lightly nuzzle Duo, Heero whispered "I really love you."

After a second he felt Duo's broad smile against his skin. He wasn't teased with Spanish, or the latest language he used before their big fight, one pulled form years of working with Howard's crew. Heero still didn't know what jeegaré man-ee meant but the way Duo spoke it, which such affection, left him with no doubts he wanted to hear it again. He didn't mind Duo's silence this time, not when the trade off was feeling him smile and hold on a little tighter. That feeling was everything to him.

They remained like that for some time. Heero was in no rush to finish cleaning the last few dishes and Duo was in no rush to let him go.

Things felt almost normal again.

Once he could stall no more Heero turned to face Duo. Though he lifted his head from Heero's shoulder he only loosened his grip enough for Heero to complete his turn. The two stood in a close embrace, their noses almost touching. The desire between them was palpable, a yearning built over time spent apart. Heero felt a gravity from Duo, pulling him in, and he willingly allowed himself to fall.

For the first time in a while, Heero felt happy.

Slowly he snaked a hand behind Duo and held the end of his long braid, securely wrapping it around his wrist. He lightly kissed Duo and gave a small tug to the chestnut rope, nodding in the direction of his bedroom. Duo smirked, releasing Heero and allowing himself to be lead away by his hair.

Heero was always the type to withhold a little until reaching the bedroom. Duo long suspected it had to do with his need for privacy and how sex in the living room could be quickly walked in on but sex in the bedroom gave some time to grab a gun and threaten whomever dared interrupt. So it was pleasantly normal when Heero crossed into the bedroom and quickly circled his braid further around his hand, shortening the rope and pulling Duo close.

This was something Heero did only when he was hungry for carnal pleasures. It was one of the ways he used to welcome Duo home after long missions apart, or after one of them nearly died and the need to confirm they were both very much still alive was explosive. It was aggressive, and as far as Duo was concerned it was downright sexy.

If he had the time to react he might have chuckled at the commanding action Heero took but instead his lips were busy and he was being quickly walked towards the bed, arms around Heero's neck. The dark haired man was kissing him like it was the last time he'd get the chance, pulling his body as if the more contact they had the longer it would last. When Duo felt Heero's familiar erection against his own he used his strength to toss Heero backwards onto the bed and then quickly removed his sweater. It was suddenly much too hot to be wearing that hoodie, favorite or not. The action forced Heero to let Duo's braid slip through his fingers and the mass of hair went flying to rest over his shoulder while the sweater was recklessly tossed aside.

Duo looked forward to allowing Heero the pleasure of removing the rest of his clothing in a few short moments.

As he climbed onto the bed and over Heero, blue eyes shot him an intense look and he knew they'd have fun battling over dominance after their extended time apart. But for now Heero was his prey. Kisses started at his jaw just below the ear slowly trailed down his neck and across his collarbone, forceful enough to leave his skin red but not enough to leave any marks lasting more than a minute or two. It never failed to make Heero squirm.

When Duo crossed to the other side of Heero's neck, he flipped his braid out of the way for easier access and delighted in the sound of Heero's hitched breath as he sucked gently on his skin, tasting it as he went.

He could never really tell if Heero was purring or growling but when his lover made that sound Duo couldn't help sitting up a bit to catch the look on his face. Heero's half lidded eyes were hungry. Then they opened wider and darted away from Duo's for just a second. His hands, which were moving all over Duo's body moments before, slowed to a near stop. The pressure of those hands against Duo's skin alleviated.

And Duo, once again straddling Heero's lap, felt his partner's excitement fade.

Everything emotionally collapsed for him all at once and his face did not hide it. His body, however, was taking time to catch up. His partner saw the anger and pain on his face and in response had the decency to look like he just got caught red handed committing a sin. Fury in his eyes, Duo leveraged himself off of Heero and out of the bed.

"Wait! Where are you—"

With a wild hand gesture Duo stormed across the bedroom to another door. "I'm gonna jerk off alone in your damn bathroom, you bastard!"

The door slammed shut.

Heero lay on his back staring at the ceiling, breathing heavily. His hands were shaking as he brought them up to cover his face, doing his best to suppress a scream. He'd fucked up. One minute he was free and clear and the next Duo's hair whipped to the other shoulder and that damn scar wasn't just visible, it was right in his face. He couldn't help himself. He couldn't stop the wave of guilt and anxiety that came with seeing the evidence of his crime.

With great effort, Heero pulled himself into a seated position. His blood ran so cold there was no more evidence of how turned on he was moments before. In his mind, his thoughts receded as he became overwhelmed with a feeling of helplessness and panic. His hands were curled into tight fists, and he was breathing quickly and heavily, unable to ground himself but desperately trying. No matter how forcefully he willed his heart to slow down he was deafened by the sound of his rapid heartbeat. He felt nauseated. The shaking was getting worse. Instead of proving he was over his guilt he only proved he most definitely was not. He failed spectacularly.

Heero jumped when the bathroom door flung open and Duo glared at him hard, reaching down to the floor to grab his discarded sweater and turning towards the bedroom door. He knew he had to say something but words were eluding him. He wasn't sure he could speak if his life depended on it, and he was certain Duo hadn't noticed his terror. But he tried, struggling mightily to say anything at all, his voice incredibly small.

"Duo. I… I'm s... Sorry. I di—"

"Just SHUT UP!"

Duo's grip on his sweater was white-knuckled and his head turned to Heero's direction. Violet eyes were a raging storm. Heero froze even further under that glare, his heart ready to burst through his chest and rocket into orbit. Shinigami was standing in his bedroom. Not Duo. He'd never, in all their years together, seen that fury outside of battle. The voice of Shinigami was nothing like Duo's. It was cold and unyielding.

Death did not appear to notice how he felt. Death was set on releasing pent up rage.

"You really are an asshole, aren't you? Because none of this needed to be a thing. There was no reason to turn this" he pointed to his scar "into a thing!" Duo was breathing hard in an effort to keep his rage from fully taking over. When he shifted his stance to fully face Heero something seemed to break inside of him. Heero saw it in a quick flash and then Duo said, still angry but more calmly, "Heero I can't do this. You and me: if this is the new normal, I can't be part of it."

Heero's voice failed him, but he managed to mouth the question "What?"

Raking his hands through his hair, Duo let out a suffering sigh, breaking eye contact. "I don't want this, Heero. This is so much worse than being alone. This is the last thing I wanted."

Somehow Heero found the strength to scramble to his feet. He had none of his usual strength or agility and stumbled as he stood. "No! Duo, don't—"

"SHUT UP! Didn't I tell you to shut up? I know you know what those words mean, you sure as hell said them to me enough times during the wars!"

Heero stood in shock. He felt like he was just waiting for Duo to make a final blow and execute him on the spot, and watched as Duo turned and took another few steps to reach the open door, powerless to prevent his exit.

By some miracle Duo hesitated. He had one hand on the door frame and the other was still holding onto his hoodie like a lifeline. He did not look back at Heero when he spoke next.

"You feel guilty because you think you hurt me years ago. But I recovered from that. I'm fine. I've been okay for a long time and I never once blamed you. But you're hurting me right now. Did it even occur to you how it would make me feel for the man who claims he loves me to avoid even looking at me?"

He didn't see Heero flinch at the word claims. He didn't see fear in Heero's eyes, nor the tears that threatened to spill from them. Duo just continued, without turning around. "I couldn't keep coming here and taking that. I'm not that much of a martyr. I was so scared to come here, did you know that? All those days of fighting, of seeing you in pain..." He took a ragged breath. "When you called, pleading, I allowed myself the smallest amount of hope, against my better judgement. I didn't want to allow myself to feel anything. I knew deep down I was shutting everything out again and I let it happen because I didn't want to get hurt. Not again."

Heero was struggling to hear Duo over the sound of his heartbeat. He was struggling to breathe. It cost him when he managed to say Duo's name, but the sound was too weak even for his own ears to pick up. All the while, Duo did not turn around.

"Did it occur to you what it would feel like for me when you see my body and go from hot to cold? Do you have any idea how much it hurts to be made to feel so repulsive, solely from a needless guilt trip someone just won't move on from? Because you didn't have a problem before the guilt took over. But you sure as hell have a problem with me now."

Heero tried to gather his wits. He tried to choke down his fears and speak. But he was so slow, struggling so hard against what a small voice in his head told him was a panic attack, that he didn't manage anything before Duo landed that final blow he was dreading.

"I know it was me making you suffer after HQ. I know I'm not totally innocent when it comes to guilt trips. But mine was never about you, and that's the difference here. I didn't pull away from you, I leaned on you even when I wasn't emotionally available. And I admitted it, as hard as that was and it was fucking hard to admit. I didn't run. I made mistakes but I tried my best to connect with you. But you? You're shutting me out and physically recoiling from me." Duo's shoulders stiffened, his entire frame becoming tense. "This is a lot like last time. I make it clear what I want and how I feel about something that directly impacts my life. And in response you pull away and hurt me." He added softly "Worse than any of the times I've ever been shot, this right now really fuckin hurts."

In a flash Duo was gone, storming out of the bedroom and towards the front door. Alone in his room, Heero was unable to move, frozen in place as he tried to digest Duo's words while also trying to simply calm himself down.

Shortly after, he heard the telltale sound of his apartment door slamming shut.

TRANSLATION FOOTNOTES

Jeegaré man-ee is a term of deep endearment and affection in Persian. It technically translates kind of strangely into English as "I want to eat your liver" but in Persian it's very impactful and loving. You wouldn't say that to just anyone, and only one person has said it to me.