Chapter 66: Work From Home

Bored out of his mind running cyber security as Santiago and solving everyone else's problems, Duo begged Une for some other job. He could plan field missions for other agents, run an investigation, or interview cadets. Anything other than hearing Dominic on cyber security's Team 2 mention his upcoming vacation every hour. He just did not care. He could not even pretend to care.

He went so far as to suggest to Une that he could work with the engineering corps, asking her "Who better to join the engineers than an ex-Gundam pilot who studied under Mike Howard, one of the greatest engineers alive?"

She was very receptive to this plan, enough that it made Duo hesitate. It almost felt like a trap she'd manipulated him into.

When he suggested the switch it was only to keep himself occupied before he was cleared for field work again, but in retrospect this was exactly what the others did with Preventers. They all did investigative and field work but had unique specialties to divide their time. Heero was rooted in IT, Trowa trained and managed undercover operatives, and Wufei coordinated general operations. None of the three were in full time field work. They did take missions but those were only roughly 30% of their jobs. They went into the field primarily for highly sensitive or difficult missions that needed experienced team leaders, which was why Duo ended up bailing them out from time to time.

Une probably saw this temporary work with the engineering corps as a trial run for when Duo stepped down from his position and took that job as Wufei's partner once all the business with Chevalier got settled.

If he took it.

If.

He still wasn't sold on committing himself to the "demotion" as Une phrased it for him. Once he said yes his cover would be fully blown and there would be no easy path back. He'd gone through the numbers repeatedly and she was right. The new salary would cover his obligations with a lot less risk than he exposed them to now. In the long run it was probably more beneficial for everyone. On top of that, the loneliness of his current job came into full view once he started letting people back into his life. He wouldn't be able to easily return extreme solitude again. But he just couldn't let go of the sinking feeling that taking the job would be a mistake because seeing Heero would be unbearable.

Don't be an idiot. You're not the center of the world.

He scoffed to himself. That damn advice had a habit of popping into his head in Hilde's voice when he needed to hear it.

Still, he couldn't pull that trigger just yet. Even while aware that part of him really wanted this change in his life he was too off balance from how things were left with Heero to make a major and life altering decision. It was not the time to be making big changes. Just weeks ago he saw a possible future for himself with close friends, gatherings, and someone to love him. He thought he was on track to stay with Heero indefinitely. And now that dream was over, along with the idea that gatherings with friends could be joyful rather than awkward and painful. It was hard to finally have something to hold onto only to have it immediately taken from him.

First he needed to find balance and finish his current assignment, then he could afford change.

He wondered if his assignment would ever end.

Once he regained his faculties at Quatre's it took him an embarrassingly long time to remember he had to text back Chevalier. By the time he responded that yes, he would help the man, it was the next day and his deadline had passed. It took much longer than usual for him to get a reply, and the text didn't sit well.

Heal that shoulder and wait for my signal.

What the hell did that mean? And how the hell did he know so quickly about his shoulder dislocation?

Duo was trying not to think about it too hard. The only people who definitely knew his condition were Relena, Zechs, Une, Sally, Wufei, Trowa, and Quatre. Heero probably did, too. The medics knew. His neighbors knew something was wrong because of the sling. Too many people knew.

He really wasn't sure if the guys managed to keep a tight lid on that information, which was yet another thing he struggled with. His neighbors wouldn't have the personal details Chevalier used against him. Neither would the medics. Zechs wasn't in the loop with the other guys so he didn't know all the information, either. And Relena was already ruled out. That once again left those closest to him as suspects. But he didn't want to think about it. He'd never miraculously get an answer, no matter how long he thought, and there were other things on his mind to consider.

Like that job offer. And if he really should hit the reset button on his own life. Again.

He could always start over in another city. It wouldn't be the first time things ended with Heero. He knew Trowa, Wufei, and Sally would keep in touch if he left. It would take no time to pack his belongings because he had almost none. He could leave with as little as the duffle he kept on the ready, or as much as two medium boxes to empty his place. That was just another bonus of living in a small studio. He could vanish quickly.

Don't be an idiot.

He sighed. When Sally visited, he believed he was finally over this selfish way of thinking. The realization that old habits would be harder to shake than expected re-opened an emptiness inside of him, but for the first time in a long while he wasn't overwhelmed by that feeling.

It would be stupid to give up everything he built in such a short time for the unknown again. And it would certainly hurt the others if he up and left. Especially Wufei. Duo hated the idea of losing time with him in-person and becoming long distance friends. They'd need to text or call daily to alleviate the distance, not that they didn't do that already. If he moved, he'd fall into a habit of semi frequent visits to the city. At some point, the way his life was going, Wufei might just get married and settle down. It would be easier for Duo to be the one picking up and seeing his friend. Simpler for one person to travel instead of two, or maybe more if they had kids.

But if he was going to do all of that, couldn't he just... stay?

Looking around he had to admit he liked where he lived. The view to the river was great, especially in the spring and fall. The building wasn't as fancy and new as Heero's but he loved the neighborhood which, by some miracle, was keeping its community as it slowly gentrified. The corner mart didn't turn into some ubiquitous cafe, it just renovated and stayed open throughout construction. Several restaurants did the same, operating as take away while they changed their interiors. This place had flavor. It kept color and vibrancy as it updated. It seemed no one here wanted to leave and Duo understood why.

Sure, the parking was often abysmal. They were one of the last neighborhoods to get city services like snow removal, and the mayor still didn't clear funding to fix the roads or put up safety lights along the river walkway. But the locals knew the potholes, and they'd strung lights into trees and turned the walkway into something magical. Working with what you had was a theme here, and that made it feel like home more than anything else.

His thoughts were interrupted by a notification from his laptop. The engineering corps didn't use the intranet for pointless messages. They sent interesting questions and replied with creative solutions. Unlike his previous temp job as Santiago he was enjoying his current position as Patrick.

Help me out, Pat. I just uploaded the revisions. Can you give a second set of eyes? I'm worried about possible turbulent flow with the revision causing drag.

Cracking his knuckles, Duo sat down heavily onto his couch. The action caused a slight pain in his shoulder but it was to be expected. He'd gotten out of the sling early and was weeks ahead in physical therapy but that didn't mean he felt no pain. Quickly typing an affirmative response, he logged in to open the files. The engineering team was great and they were fast to accept him when he proved he actually knew what he was doing.

Maybe Une's long con to trick him into this position wasn't so bad.

He didn't notice time pass. He only really looked up from his work to order some new monitors to better display specs. If he was full time with the engineer corps he'd be working on site most days with the fancy equipment in Preventers' research and development labs. They had their own floors at HQ, but when he worked from home a large monitor or two would suffice.

If he took that demotion and joined the engineers in addition to doing field work, he'd share an office with Wufei. He could keep up socially with the guys, join Wufei in his investigative work, and moonlight down in the lab tinkering with designs.

The idea was fairly appealing. It was very appealing. He could be creative while making a difference, if not for the whole awkwardness with Heero thing.

Don't be an idiot.

"I get it, Hilde!" he groaned. "I fucking get it. Just lemme figure out my heart, too. Okay?"

When a huge yawn overtook him and filled his eyes with unshed tears, he held his hands up to his face and parted them to glance at the clock on his display. He realized it was late. Very late. He'd logged in nearly 15 hours ago and hadn't remembered to eat anything or take a break. His muscles were sore from sitting too long and his stomach petulantly growled to remind him that sustenance was important. The lack of a need to use the restroom spoke of dehydration, which made sense once he realized he couldn't remember the last time he had anything to drink.

After a short walk to his fridge he found himself staring at mostly empty shelves. The groceries Trowa brought to stock his fridge were gone now, but he'd mostly supplied prepared meals to keep Duo from using his bad arm. After going through those supplies he'd not bothered to really do much shopping, even though grocery delivery was an option. Heero kept telling him to stock more on a regular basis but his perpetual fear of wasting food kept him buying only two or three days of supplies at a time. If he was called away on a mission with a full fridge who would eat the food before it went bad?

There were times he pointed out to Heero that he kept rations on hand just in case. Heero always got angry at him, telling him it wasn't the war anymore, and he didn't need to rely on tasteless junk. What did Heero care if he wasn't the one eating it? Duo never understood that anger. It's not like he lived off rations, he had them in his go bag for missions just in case and it wasn't harmful to partake when he was too lazy to get proper food.

It wasn't like Heero's opinion mattered, anyway.

Pulling out an egg carton, he took the remaining two eggs and decided that would be good enough for tonight. Without toast he ended up beating and scrambling them. Not his preferred method, but a little hot sauce and it was good enough for past midnight. It wasn't like he had anything else to doctor them up with, but he chuckled at the thought of sprinkling bits of a ration bar overtop.

Cooking was quick and he stood over his kitchen counter to eat straight out of the pan, tired of sitting. Before he knew it the eggs were gone and his stomach growled again.

"Pfft. Shut up." He touched his stomach as it rumbled. "You'll be fine until tomorrow. It's not the first time you've gone hungry."

Washing the pan flashed him back to the last time he saw Heero. How his dark and unruly hair, a little longer than Duo was used to him having, fell into his face when he looked down into the sink as he worked. How warm he was when Duo slid up behind him to hold him close. The smell of his soap. The feel of his...

He came back to his senses and realized he'd washed the pan at least three times.

What the hell was that idiot doing? Was he really done with them? Duo held hope for the first two weeks that maybe Heero would come to his senses, stop blaming himself, and call.

But he didn't.

And he still hadn't.

It'd been five weeks.

By this point he didn't expect anything at all other than Heero avoiding him whenever possible, and social gatherings navigated around which one of them was attending and which one was not. More than anything he was disappointed. The man he thought Heero grew into was supposed to be mature and able to process his feelings. Instead, he was the same kid from the first war who froze when faced with actually understanding how he felt beyond surface level emotions.

Wufei's words cycled in his head as he filled a glass with water.

You deserve better than the man he's being right now.

He quickly drank the full glass and refilled it, overcome by his feelings.

Every time he thought about it those words brought up a wild mix of emotions. It touched his heart to know his friend had his best interests in mind. Wufei and Heero were good friends on their own but that didn't sway his position. Wufei stood by him, 100%, and something about that was emotionally anchoring. It made him feel like some things in the world would always be steady and unchanging, no matter how bad or chaotic the rest of the world might seem. For the first time in a long while things were not his fault or being unfairly blamed on him.

The problem was that as much as he agreed he deserved better, full stop, he wasn't completely able to let go of the idea of being with Heero. They'd been on the cusp of greatness so many times. All he wanted was for them to finally work out. Even Wufei understood this, based on his phrasing. The "right now" part was how Duo justified his strong need to not let go just yet. Heero was not worthy of him right now. But he'd been worthy previously. And maybe he would be again.

And the problem of sorting Heero's feelings didn't go away. A nagging voice in his head reveled in reminding him that Heero set conditions on his love. That thought, ever present, transformed into gut wrenching doubts. The worst part was he could hear each of his fears manifest in Heero's voice, even though he'd never spoken such words. Sometimes he hated his imagination.

I'll love you so long as it's convenient.

I'm very much in love with you, but only if you quit your job.

You're not good enough for me as you are.

It's easy for me to leave you at any time.

Those were the thoughts that kept him awake at night. He knew he was being unreasonable and that it was unfair to put words into Heero's mouth. Every part of him screamed that it was wrong to jump to conclusions without asking Heero what he meant. It was a lot like Sally's misunderstanding with Wufei, right? Things didn't add up well, but that didn't mean the sum was something horrible.

He just never got the chance to clarify anything before getting shut out.

It was all just so stupid to him. And that's what truly ate at him, acidic and burning through his heart. Heero wasn't repulsed by his stupid, fucking scar before he knew how he got it. The sight of it was not what turned him off. Hell, it wasn't like Heero didn't have nasty scars on his own body. Those were just par for the course when you were a Gundam pilot, let alone a field agent for the Preventers. Heero even had two faded scars from their first meeting when Duo shot him. It was hypocritical, in his opinion, to be okay with the shooting at their first meeting and then not in any way okay with the only shooting subsequently between them.

"What an asshole," he murmured to the empty room, putting down the glass of water and taking a seat on the couch. He pulled a nearby blanket to him and snuggled into it. Soon the glass back in his hand, cold in contrast to the warmth provided by the blanket. The cold grew, radiating from his hand and up into his arm until his entire self was shivering and empty.

The thoughts about Heero came back.

For a moment he lingered on another thing that worried him. His habit of taking out his phone and staring at Heero's number did not return after their last fight. For years while he was hiding he'd stare at that number as a source of comfort and frustration, and now the compulsion was gone. What if Heero eventually contacted him and it brought a realization that he just didn't—

He couldn't use the word love, not even in his own head. Instead his mind froze, rebooting to ask him if he could really reject the only man he'd ever really fallen for.

Don't be an idiot.

He sighed. "Yeah, yeah. I won't think too far ahead on that one, Hil. No reason to upset myself further, and I was always at my best just winging things."

He took another sip before releasing the cold glass of water, deciding he was done for the night. Hydration be damned.

Duo collapsed on his sofa, lying flat as though he was ready to sleep, and looked out his large windows. Immediately he was overcome with sentimentality as a memory from Meteor overtook his senses. The sky was clear, and the moon and stars were out in full force.

Once again he thought about how beautiful the moon looked from earth. He marveled at how long he'd been given the privilege to see it from that angle, and wondered if Heero was awake. Did he ever take time to look at the moon? What was he doing? Was he thinking of him?

You're not the center of the world.

Chuckling to himself, he whispered to the empty room. "No, I guess not. That's silly."

Across town, laying in his bed, Heero couldn't stop thinking about Duo.