Chapter 68: Reset

When Duo's phone rang on Saturday in the late morning he answered in two rings. "Hey! I was hoping you'd actually call."

He heard a soft chuckle on the other side of the line. "Don't act so surprised. You knew I would."

Duo didn't even try to hide his bright smile. "Yeah, well. Not everything in life is guaranteed."

Heero's hesitation was evident as he asked softly, "What are you doing today?"

"Taking care of some things downtown, but I just finished up."

"So early?"

Duo's tone turned playful. "Yeah. Your timing is perfect. You home? May I drop by?" He couldn't help enjoying Heero's rushed, affirmative response. "Great. I'll see you in a bit."

As he hung up he could feel himself being watched closely. He was standing in a well appointed corner apartment overlooking the river on one side and city hall on the other. A hint of coffee, eggs, toast, and bacon was in the air. The remnants of breakfast for two was not yet cleared from the nearby dining table where he was being watched. When his phone rang he jumped up to take the call a little further away as though that would somehow provide privacy. It was foolish, but it was a habit.

He turned to his companion. She was in pajamas, holding a cup of french roast to her lips, eyeing him with a knowing smirk. That look on her face always made him either amused or annoyed, though which one he never could quite tell. But it was a look rarely seen by anyone else so he didn't really mind. It only meant he was special.

"You got somethin to say to me?"

She only smiled a little more. "Not particularly."

He squinted at her critically, his voice filled with snark. "Yeah well you look like a cat with a bird in its mouth. Smug as fuck."

Her lips pursed in disapproval but her eyes were happy. "That's a hell of a way to speak about me." She placed her coffee down and watched him take a sarcastic bow, adding a flourish with his hands. "I'm glad you seem to be setting things right. When will you be telling Heero about us?" She winked playfully and he faltered in his bowing motion, then stood upright.

"How'd you know I was talking to Heero?"

"Please!" She scoffed at him and brushed a stray hair from her face. "Don't pretend it isn't obvious by that look in your eyes."

He was quiet, and a little uncomfortable. "I dunno when I'll tell him about the plans. It'll be a while."

Une examined her nails as though they were utterly fascinating. It was quite a sight coupled with her wild bedhead. "Well it's up to you but I advise you do it sooner rather than later. Something about ripping off band aids and all."

That phrasing didn't sit well with him. "Did you rip off any band aids and tell anyone?"

Innocently, she asked "Tell anyone what?"

He frowned. "What we've been up to. Our series of after hours and breakfast meetings. Your long-term plan to seduce me."

His willingness to play along with her joke brought out a coy smile reserved only for those closest to her. "If I wanted to seduce you I'd at least brush my hair and tell my husband to scram before you got here." She eyed him closely. "Or, since it's you, maybe I'd tell him to stay." When he laughed, she concluded "No. Of course not. That we're meeting at all is between you, me, Nico, and Serge."

Those words put his mind at ease. "I appreciate your discretion."

He made his way back to the table to reach for his dirty plate, but she waved him off.

"Don't worry about it," she said, "I'll clean up in here. You're the one who arrived with an entire breakfast spread. You even brought Nico a thermos of his favorite coffee to take with him as we kicked him out. It was very thoughtful, especially when he still idolizes you."

They looked at one another for a moment and a voice in the back of Duo's head reminded him that this was a good kind of familiar, even though he was forever embarrassed by Nico putting him on a pedestal for what went down at HQ all those months ago. He couldn't help giving her a warm smile, and quickly leaned over to place a soft kiss on her cheek. "Thanks for everything" he said, and if he didn't know better he'd swear Une blushed at the contact.

At the door he stopped. He turned back to look at her one more time. "I really do appreciate your discretion."

She yawned and waved him off in the same casual way she did moments earlier. "If you see my husband on your way out, send him back upstairs, will you? And apologize to Serge. He's not used to getting walked this early in the morning. He's an old dog, he likes his routines."

Duo reached into his pocket and pulled one of Serge's treats. Immediately she knew he must have stolen one from the jar in her kitchen. Exactly when he stole it, she had no idea.

"I got Serge covered." Duo was grinning ear to ear. "He's a good boy." As an afterthought he added "So's Nico."

Une just shook her head.

"Tell Heero!"

He called "eventually!" over his shoulder as he took leave.

When Duo arrived Heero was in the middle of making tea. He opened the door to let him into his apartment before hurrying into the kitchen to turn off the stove. Afterwards, he turned towards the living room to ask if Duo wanted anything to drink, but the room was empty. Only a different pair of shoes by the door signaled his presence.

He searched for the missing American and found him in his bedroom, half laying on the bed, his arms stretched out and his feet still on the floor. The sight made him smile. "What are you doing in here?"

"I think we should have sex now, Heero."

Duo sat up in time to catch the shocked look on his face. It was evident the dark haired man was not expecting such a proposition. Something about that lack of physical expectation pleased Duo to no end as it confirmed his heart's silent wish for Heero's motivations to be driven by a want for the emotional intimacy they lacked in the past.

"Listen, Ro. I think it only makes sense to speed this thing along. We always cared for each other and still do. We both have made some pretty impressive mistakes, but we're finding our way through them. I'm learning to open up and rely on you. You went to Zechs for advice."

He saw Heero's lips twitch up into a hint of a smile.

"Don't think it escapes me how big a deal that is." He shifted closer to the edge of Heero's bed. "As far as I'm concerned we're going to be okay on the emotional side of things."

Heero's eyebrows shifted up a notch.

"I'm serious. You and I aren't the same idiots we were in the past. And it's good that we finally aired out some of what happened before. I know we didn't go in depth, but I see now that it wasn't just you hurting me. I hurt you, too." He reached out to hold one of Heero's hands. "You and I can do anything as a team. We'll be just fine. I say we skip to where we left off a few weeks ago, when things were good. I don't wanna waste my time, or yours, or this sexual tension we always carry between us."

Heero eyed him. "Are you sure...?"

Duo would never tire of this adult version of Heero who actually checked on his emotional needs. "I'm sure. We were getting along, working through our issues, albeit slowly, and having perfectly good sex before you made everything awkward. It's not like it'll be our first time."

At that, Heero fully quirked an eyebrow. "Just good?"

Shaking his head and chuckling, Duo clarified his words. "Better than good. Thank you for focusing on that detail."

A warm smile slowly crept onto Heero's face.

"It's a very satisfying detail to focus on, and I think about it often." Duo's hand slipped from Heero's as he broke out into laughter. He wasn't sure why that made Duo laugh, but he was glad he still knew how to read the other man well enough to do it. Since the wars, he enjoyed being the cause of that laughter.

Heero waited patiently for Duo to compose himself, and for those eyes, filled with joy, to refocus on him before continuing.

"I just need to make sure you really want this now. It took us a long time to move forward together. To actually talk like we are at all, let alone without fighting. I would hate myself if I contributed to anything that set us farther back. I've put a lot of effort into growing into a man worthy of our relationship. I'm not about to push for too much too soon and have to start over again, or lose you over something ridiculously avoidable."

Duo leaned a little to the side and took a hard look at Heero. To witness him express himself openly always gave a thrill. Early on he saw more in Heero than just that anti-social and silent kid he met a lifetime ago but it still knocked him sideways sometimes to know how right he was. Howard didn't believe him when he said Heero was kind. Hilde thought he was crazy at first. But Heero proved time and again that he was every bit the man Duo saw inside, back during Operation Meteor. The man he wanted to get to know, and the one he eventually...

No, his thoughts wouldn't go there.

"Yeah. I'm sure. It's not like we need to have sex to be together, I quite like just being with you. But I'm not sure I can do that if I still think, deep down, that you're repulsed by me. I don't wanna wonder if you have desires and needs I'll never be able to meet again."

Heero's heart shattered as Duo's eyes fell and searched for anything to focus on other than him. It was obvious his behavior hurt Duo so much more than he imagined. Terrified that interrupting to reassure his partner he was more than enough would come off like dismissing his feelings, he waited for Duo to finish speaking his mind.

"I just... I don't deserve to live with that hanging over me. Especially when it's no one's fault. But I'm not the only one with a say in this." Worried eyes came back to focus on Heero. "I refuse to push you for too much too soon, either. I never, never want to be the reason you have a panic attack." Heero flinched a little. "You mean too much to me. So I'm relying on you to set boundaries. Please don't ever let me hurt you."

Heero's face softened. He chose to table his thoughts about Duo's anxieties, and let his actions, rather than his words, reassure him. But first he would address the one part he felt they could talk about.

"You're really shaken over that, aren't you?"

He watched heartbreak take over Duo's eyes. He watched his posture shift slightly. It felt good to see that reaction. Like he was cared for. But he also wondered if Duo would ever realize that the grace he gave others to be anything other than strong ought to be applied to him, too. For as supportive as he was of the people in his life expressing and feeling their emotions, he didn't allow himself the same. Worse, this oversight wasn't from a ridiculous and antiquated notion that emotions were a weakness or strong men needed to hide how they felt. Heero often struggled to figure out just why Duo, of all people, held himself to such a double standard. Because Duo did not look down on anyone else who expressed feelings.

Wufei was not less of a man for talking things out before throwing a punch. Trowa was not less of a man for breaking down over his problems with Quatre. And he was not less of a man for experiencing a panic attack and expressing his love. But Duo? He'd never seen him cry once in all the years they knew each other. He'd never asked for help. He quietly took care of his own messes and traumas and only informed people later, maybe. If he did, it was sometimes years after the events occurred. It was unfair how Duo was there to support them all but refused to allow any reciprocation.

"Heero... there's nothing I want less in the world than to cause you pain. I'd re-live all the worst parts of my life if it meant you didn't experience pain."

Quickly and harshly Heero whispered "Don't say that!" His tone put Duo on alert.

When he examined Heero, the man looked uncomfortable, angry, and a little sad. He dropped to his knees in front of him and took hold of his shirt, pulling them close so their foreheads touched. They both closed their eyes.

Heero thought about all the traumas Duo never disclosed, and wondered how much more a person could take, and how much love must be between them to offer to go through it all again. When he spoke, his tone was soft and adamant. He knew his warm breath teased of their proximity.

"Don't you know that I never want to hurt you, either? You've been through so much, Duo. Don't even think about re-living your traumas for me or anyone. Not for a second." He pulled away, but not far. His hand still clutched Duo's shirt. "And I won't trade my pain. Pain helps us understand other people and appreciate what we have. It's part of life and growth. And I'll never trade it or anything at the expense of you."

The smile Duo rewarded him with held emotions Heero couldn't place, but he liked that look on him.

"Who are you? The Heero I used to know was sweet when we were alone, but he wasn't..." Duo gestured up and down in his direction. "This. He wasn't this."

"The Heero you knew was an idiot who had all of you and then lost you. I like to think I've gotten much smarter since then."

He wasn't expecting Duo to look almost sad, but the emotion was there in his eyes.

"Okay. You win. But we're going to minimize any pain you feel caused by me okay? So I'll ask one time... will you have sex with me, right now?"

Conflict brewed in Heero's eyes and it gave Duo pause. It was clear he was trying to mask his emotions so he could say something in a more neutral light, and though they were physically close Duo felt a distance grow between them. When Heero spoke it was measured and his words were chosen carefully.

"Are we going to address how I essentially gave you an ultimatum for our romantic involvement?"

Frowning, Duo asked in a failed attempt to lighten the mood "What ultimatum?"

Heero half-heartedly glared at him. If Duo was using humor to avoid talking about something so vitally important they hadn't made as much progress as he'd hoped.

"When I told you I couldn't handle a relationship with you if you kept your current job. You seemed to believe this meant I never actually loved you."

That careful monotone made it clear how important this was to Heero. Duo bit his lower lip as he considered how to answer. "We agreed, before your guilt trip, that I'd get time to consider my options and in the meantime we'd keep status quo."

Heero recognized avoidance, and he didn't let it slide. He released his hold on Duo's shirt. "That was six weeks ago."

"Over seven now, yeah."

Heero's tension grew, which fascinated the American. His voice was tight, too. "Is that not enough time to make a decision?"

Cocking his head to one side Duo examined the man before him. This was not the cool soldier from their teenage years who would at times recklessly throw himself into danger if it meant completing whatever mission he was assigned. This was a man who was putting up defenses to protect himself from harm. This was a man who felt he had something to lose. It occurred to Duo just how privileged he was to see both sides of Heero Yuy.

He chose his words carefully.

"You broke the deal to maintain status quo when you took leave from everything without telling me. But I'm not breaking my end of the deal. I promise you I've been thinking about it a lot. But nothing is set in stone just yet." When Heero didn't react it became clear just how seriously he took the topic. "Listen, I—"

Duo couldn't finish his thought. Heero snapped, and suddenly was on his feet and yelling "Don't you know that nothing, nothing happens only to you?" The outburst shocked Duo too much to respond. He simply watched Heero become upset, stepping away from him and moving back towards the door. "All these things... you getting shot, the entire fiasco at HQ... That's not happening in a bubble, Duo!" He turned to face him "Can't you see that it happens to everyone who loves you, too? Can't you see how painful that is?"

Heero's voice broke a little on the word "painful" in a way that put a lump directly in Duo's throat.

"The night they medivac'd you to Noventa Memorial was the worst, the most terrifying event of my life. I never, never want to re-live that!"

Blue eyes were raging, and Duo understood that he had the option to fuel this fire or calm it. He could start a real fight, or he could deescalate.

He chose to deescalate.

"Seems I'm lousy at not hurting you. I have a lot of work to do."

Those words hit Heero funny. He hadn't meant to lose his cool and he definitely hadn't meant to upend things so quickly. Before he could say a word, Duo continued, firmly and gently.

"Is it enough for you that I'm very carefully and seriously considering my options, and negotiating what they may be, with the intention of finalizing a choice in the coming weeks? Is it enough that as flippant as I compulsively need to be, I've actually never stopped thinking about this, even when I was so angry at you I had the audacity to allow my pain to convince myself you didn't love me? Is it enough," he added, "that I'm really, really trying to give you a clear answer, but right now my head and heart aren't wholly on the same page?"

He saw the tension in Heero shift, and his face softened a nearly imperceptible amount. That shift encouraged Duo to say something he wasn't planning on confessing.

"You have to know things have changed since last fall. My job isn't the most important thing in my life anymore."

The surprise on Heero's face was priceless. He looked a little hopeful, too. Like he was scared to feel whatever he was feeling.

"Is that true?"

His uncertainty struck Duo, intense and unexpected, but he maintained his gentle tone.

"Of course it's true. You told me you've been thinking about tomorrow, and how you really want to live your life. I kind of forgot to tell you that I've been thinking about tomorrow, and what life I want to live, too." Heero's eyes shimmered. "Can you accept that as my answer? Is that enough for now, Ro?"

Slowly and purposefully Heero walked back towards Duo, standing before him. They stared at each other for a moment and then Heero leaned forward, two hands reaching out to cup and lift Duo's face. He closed the gap between them and stopped just short of a kiss, close enough that violet eyes automatically slid shut with anticipation. When he spoke Duo felt a ghosting of lips that sent a shiver through him.

"Affirmative, 02."